(originally aired March 29, 2009)
One trick up this show’s sleeve is to simply rehash and reuse premises from older episodes, this one being particularly egregious. They take one of my favorite episodes ever, “A Milhouse Divided,” and flat-out say that it “didn’t count.” The Parson pays a visit to Reverend Lovejoy with some bad news, that due to some mishaps with his ministerial re-certification, any recent ceremonies he performed were actually fraudulent. This happens to include Homer and Marge’s second wedding as featured in “Divided.” How long did the Parson sit on this news before telling Lovejoy? Clearly this didn’t happen twelve years ago, but some considerable amount of time must have passed. Plus, wouldn’t Homer and Marge have a government-sanctioned marriage license outside the church anyway? There’s really no problem. But whatever, this gives Homer the chance to give Marge the wedding she’s always wanted. …but, he already did. In “A Milhouse Divided,” at home with her family and friends, it was wonderful. But no, here, Marge turns into a Bridezilla, crafting a wedding that’s exorbitant and self-indulgent, whilst being angry and yelling at her husband. Sounds like Marge alright.

The day of the wedding, Marge finds Homer missing, and believes he’s fled thanks to her overbearing nature. But, actually, he’s been kidnapped and chained up in a dingy bathroom and taunted by a gruff, menacing voice over an intercom, forced to do humiliating and painful things to earn his freedom. Hoo boy. Firstly, Saw came out in 2004, leaving the show embarrassingly late to the punch as usual. Second, we find out that it’s Patty and Selma doing this, and I guess we’re supposed to think it’s funny. The mind reels when you think about how ridiculous this show has gotten. Originally, they were Homer’s sister-in-laws, these two hags who constantly wore him down with their words, fueling his insecurities that he’s not good enough for Marge. Now, they’re criminals, chaining him up like an animal and laughing at his suffering. But of course, they’re uncharacteristically brought to tears when Homer mournfully reads out his intended wedding vows, and they let him go. In the end, Marge never apologizes, and still gets the lavish wedding she apparently has always dreaming of. Honestly, fuck this episode. “A Milhouse Divided” was so wonderful and heart-felt, and this one just takes a big shit all over it.

Tidbits and Quotes
– Good opening line by Lovejoy (“So, in summary, there are only two real Commandments, and the other eight are just filler.”) The congregation murmurs in interest.
– I guess the fact that the Parson acts and sings like Bing Crosby is funny. I guess? Also, more shitting on beloved characters: apparently Helen Lovejoy was once Harold. But she has a daughter, so does that mean she was once transgender and identified as male? Or was Jessica adopted? Why the fuck am I thinking about this?
– I know they make it a joke, but the whole conceit of this episode just feels so fucking stupid. Homer and Marge’s marriage “didn’t count,” so now they have to do it again. It’s like when a kid is playing a game and fucks up, but claims it didn’t count and wants another try. But it’s even worse than that, it’s as if the kid had a dynamite first try, then asked for another and did the worst job possible. Every time Marge talks about wanting the perfect wedding and Homer saying he’s gonna give it to her… they already did. It was a great fucking episode, and you REFERENCE IT IN THIS ONE GODDAMMIT.
– Marge is unbearable enough this episode, but they cap it off with horrendous dialogue (“Bridezilla? A combination of ‘bride’ and ‘Godzilla’?!”) At this point, with the show openly explaining gags and plot points left and right, I wouldn’t be surprised if that was put in so drooling morons would pick up on the joke.
– The bridesmaids are doing final gussying up on Marge when she looks in the mirror. Then afterward, she radios to the main hall, and we see that all the bridesmaids are there already. Boy, they must have run super quick. Also apparently she’s real good friends with Cookie Kwan now. I’m shocked we actually had two anonymous faces there, but I guess they ran out of the four adult female characters at their disposal.
– What a lame bait-and-switch with the Sideshow Bob thing, where he and Krusty are having some kind of homoerotic weekend together (“At night, we slept in the same bed for warmth.”) I guess Bob holds no hard feelings toward Krusty helping the Simpsons escape from Italy. But Bart and Lisa had the wrong “SB.” Who could it be? Selma Bouvier. And not only do we see her name plate at the DMV, but both “S” and “B” are in gold letters. I don’t think you made it clear enough, guys, there’s some morons out in Oklahoma who didn’t put it together.

(originally aired March 22, 2009)
Yet another travel episode… yawn. This was a pretty anticipated episode, airing overseas days before it aired here, a first for the series. At least it didn’t seem quite as offensive as past travel shows, instead it was just boring and uninspired. The Simpsons forget about their special day with Grampa for the umpteeth time, and promise to make it up to him. So, it’s off to Ireland in the blink of an eye! Abe wishes to go to the bustling tavern he visited back in his army days, only to find it’s been practically abandoned in the new modernIreland. The innkeeper is delighted to have Homer and Abe’s business though, and after a drunken night, he manages to stick the two with the deed and leave town. Determined to turn the place around, they ship in Moe in a crate (seriously) to determine how to run a successful bar. Why Moe’s is considered successful, I’m not sure. They allow smoking at the pub, which is illegal in Ireland, then they get caught, and the charge is deportation, so that’s another country the Simpsons are banned from returning to.

The “satire” here is so softball. They don’t even get on the ground in Ireland before showing the pilots donned in green with shamrocks. We get plenty of references to leprechauns, Guinness, the Blarney Stone… my goodness, how lazy. And when all else fails, puns! Marge and the kids go sight-seeing, which kills time, but most of the focus is on Homer and Abe and their eventual new ownership of the tavern. I’ve noticed a big issue with episodes this season is that every plot turn must be openly narrated by a character, and it’s particularly offensive here. “What can’t people do in bars in Ireland?” “Look, smoking isn’t allowed in bars in Ireland!” “Well, then we’ll open a smoking bar in Ireland!” That’s barely an exaggeration, that’s pretty much the dialogue. And it’s so ridiculous, they allow smoking in the bar, and through the windows you can clearly see the billows of smoke. Any cop walking by would shut it down immediately, but it’s open just long enough so we can show it’s getting successful. And ultimately, what’s the point? Homer and Abe succeed by breaking the law, then nothing happens to them, per Simpson immunity. And the judge is Mr. Potato Head. Yawn. Another lifeless outing. I hope the Irish were happy with it.

Tidbits and Quotes
– The Simpsons flopping like fish out of water is one of those gags where they felt that if they let it run long enough, it would be funny… but it really just runs too long.
– I don’t get the Kathy Ireland bit at all. They show her accompanied with big text on the screen describing how that’s not her voice, she didn’t want to do the show, and best wishes to her. Two possibilities: the show asked her and she simply said no, and the writers got in a huff (“How dare someone not want to do our show!”) and this was their petty “vengeance.” Or, she gave a more adamant “no” regarding her voice or likeness, and this was their idea of a compromise. But whatever the reason, the joke is terrible.
– I’m sure the writers were really pleased with “yupp-rechauns.” And the goddamn puns… The Simpsons drive past upscale Irish stores like Colleen Secret and Mac’s Fifth Avenue, those are bad enough. Then they’re highlighted as jokes in the dialogue. Hewlett Fitzpackard, Mick-rosoft, Cisc O’Systems. Enough. Enough with the fucking puns.
– I kind of enjoyed the Giant’s Causeway gag being like the layout of Q-Bert, but maybe only because I enjoyed the seemingly obscure reference. Or maybe just because it made me think of Wreck-It Ralph.
– Lisa sneaks into the brewing room at Guinness to see the secret ingredient… why would she do that? It would make sense for Homer, but he’s not there. But why not Bart?
– When they run out of actual Irish landmarks, they make ones up: McEllis Island, with their own Statue of Liberty: a leprechaun holding a pot of gold and a shamrock. Come on, you guys… Then later Moe announces he’s going to look for his long lost relative based on a photo… on a Lucky Charms box. Come on, you guys…
– The only thing I chuckled at were the cops vacuuming up the smoke at the bar into evidence bags, then holding one full bag up to camera.

(originally aired March 15, 2009)
I guess this is the show making fun of the likes of The Da Vinci Code and National Treasure for being too silly. Once again, guys, pot to kettle. At least I didn’t feel as aggressively annoyed as I was during the last couple of bombs, this one’s just kind of innocuous and boring. Following a sequence of dumb events, Maggie is left on the doorstep of a Catholic church, and brought in by nuns who refuse to give her back to a befuddled Homer. So… call the police? Or, we’ll have Lisa masquerade as a nun to infiltrate and rescue her. She’s immediately sidelined from her mission by a quest for some ancient gem or something. Then we get smarty-pants Lisa who is oh-so-satisfied with herself as she solves clues and narrates them as she does it. Within seconds, she can decipher Latin, play the organ and recognize patterns and riddles, and I think we can all agree nothing is more entertaining than a story about problem solving where our lead character instantly deciphers clues and is incredibly pompous while doing it.

During her sleuthing, Lisa encounters Skinner and Comic Book Guy, who are part of some mystery group or something who tell her the history of the gem: it’s been sought after since colonial times, so much so that the Revolutionary War was just a cover so the Americans and English could uncover it before the newly arrived nuns could. I’m not so bothered by this, as it’s just silly enough to be funny to see King George and George Washington play acting fighting each other while they search for the treasure. Long-time Freemason Burns gets in on the action, and eventually it’s concluded that the “gem” is actually Lisa. As if her head wasn’t big enough, she returns to the church as smug as ever, but finds she decrypted it wrong: Maggie is the chosen one, and her placement on the throne brings instant peace and happiness to the town of Springfield. Until Marge takes her away and everything goes back to normal. It’s a conflicting ending, one I felt could have been more satisfying if there was more focus on the Marge-Maggie relationship, in place of Marge being rendered blind when an eclipse literally burns her eyes. Goddammit.

Tidbits and Quotes
– The CG with the Earth and the moon actually looks pretty good, mostly because they’re just simple spheres. I chuckled at the bats fleeing the Washington Monument, and the solar car stopping on the tracks, and almost being hit by a solar train.
– The Simpsons are ready to see the eclipse through their shoebox things, and of course Homer breaks his. Feeling bad for her petulant man child husband, Marge gives hers up, and Homer rubs the majesty of the event in her face (“We’ll be talking about this together for years! I finally feel like part of a family!”) Then Marge looks directly at the eclipse, and we see her eyes burn. Wonderful. It’s even more disgusting than Homer’s eyes crusting over in “Last Tap Dance in Springfield.”
– There have been a lot of Pixar references as of late. We had Homer’s horrible honey-less future dream with a WALL-E knockoff robot, now we have him re-eanct Ratatouille with a rat controlling him in his rat-infested kitchen. Not only does he openly reference the movie, but he narrates what’s happening as it happens. If I were Brad Bird, I’d be very disappointed.
– Homer runs his car off a bridge and down by the river, completely totaling it. He gets out and then immediately switches gear, pondering about out how he’s going to get across the river. No injuries, no wailing about his destroyed car, just keep pushing the stupid plot forward.
– I hate everything about Lisa’s sleuthing. Though I did laugh at the endless Rube Goldberg device that even she gets bored waiting for. The CG on the machine and later on the Springfield sign also aren’t too bad.
– After the world is at peace, we see the prison warden tell the executioner to just set the electric chair to “massage.” He was previously voiced by Charles Napier, and now I think it’s Hank Azaria doing him here, but he’s not even trying to do a sound alike. Napier was still alive, but I can understand if they didn’t want to bring him in for one line. So then, make it another character, or have one of your actors do a Napier impression. Or, do neither of those things, because who gives a shit.

(originally aired March 9, 2009)
We’ve seen many instances of Homer being an aggressively unlikable protagonist, but here’s an example where it spills onto Marge, and we also see the Simpson family are town-wide pariahs for some reason. We start annoyingly enough with Homer’s annual backyard Mardi Gras party, which is absolutely humungous, both in attendance, and the size of their frigging backyard. This is just another exorbitant expenditure that Homer thinks he can get away because with his home equity, but when he finds his mortgage rate has gone through the roof, he’s forced to give up the house. Immediately it’s hard to feel bad for him despite his gross ignorance because he was so smug and self-righteous about seemingly pulling a fast one on the bank. Also, Marge appears to be out of the picture, or just an idiot. We see her worry about the cost of the party, then she proceeds to get drunk anyway. Lovely. At the auction for 742 Evergreen Terrace, a sympathetic Flanders buys the house, offering to rent it to the Simpsons.

With Ned as her new landlord, Marge uses this opportunity to take advantage of his good will by putting him to work on numerous odd jobs around the house. She even gossips to her sisters about having her own little personal assistant. Ned understandably gets worn out, leading to an angry phone call from Homer (“Landlords like you are the scum of the Earth! You lounge around in your egg McMansions and we never see you unless the rent check’s late!” “The rent check is late!”) They then proceed to get a news piece on Channel 6 vilifying Ned. Infuriated, Ned wants the Simpsons out of the house by the end of the month. Looking for a loophole, Homer finds he can’t be evicted if there is a senior living in the house, so he carts Grampa over and openly shoves it and laughs in Ned’s face. Ned retaliates by inviting Abe to live at his house, and the Simpsons are out on the street. Again, am I supposed to feel any sympathy toward Homer and Marge given how both of them are completely responsible for all of their hardships? Ned nearly signs the house to two new perfect tenants, but I guess because he’s an eternal push-over, he invites the Simpsons to move back in. What fucking garbage.

Tidbits and Quotes
– I hate the stupid Mardi Gras party. Marge and Lisa apparently can build a gigantic metallic float on their own, and the backyard is big enough that Homer can ride around in that thing. And Marge is such a responsible parent for not only allowing the entire town to get drunk and party all night, but we see her dancing wildly all boozed up herself. Remember how horrified she was at Homer’s drunken antics in “War of the Simpsons”? That and she of course never questions how Homer can afford such an exorbitant event. And the ending features everyone on the block deciding to move now that the Simpsons are back, yet they seem to be a pretty big hit with this party. I could be leaving stuff out, but my teeth have ground into dust so I should probably stop.
– I’m confused why Gil works at the mortgage company and is in a position of power over the Simpsons. It’s not as bad as “Homer and Lisa Exchange Cross Words,” but it still betrays him being a put-upon loser. Why are they using him like this?
–  The evening before the auction, Homer tries to hang himself from a tree in the front yard in front of his children. I can’t fucking believe it… I mean, we’ve never seen trees on their front lawn before! And we’ve never see them since! Come on… But seriously, I’m glad the show thinks this is funny and acceptable, just like all the other incredibly tasteful jokes they’ve done about suicide. Class act, guys.
– Homer yells at Ned on the phone holding a cigar has got to be amongst his most jerkass-iest moments. I just can’t see how the writers, throughout the entire process of making he episode, didn’t realize how unlikable this paints him through the whole thing.
– Should I even comment on Bart’s hair color being naturally red? Nah.
– Ned’s only rationale for getting the Simpsons back is, “You can’t be a saint unless you live amongst the lepers.” As in, let me invite back this horrible family who abused my kindness and good will so I can feel better about myself. And that family are our lovable main characters. The first three HD episodes out of the box and all of them make my skin crawl.

(originally aired March 1, 2009)
Man alive, these last couple episodes have been quite boring, with no engaging or interesting stories to be found. Skinner and Chalmers put Springfield Elementary on alert of a government-mandated aptitude test that could get them much-needed funding, so to make sure they get as much cash as possible, they drill the answers into every kid’s mind by any means necessary. This conceit could be amusing satire, of educators teaching test answers rather than practical knowledge, but like most material on the show nowadays, it’s so ham-fisted and the jokes are made so blatantly obvious that it becomes groan-worthy. To better hedge their bets, Skinner plans on hiding all their more troublesome students, Bart, Ralph, and the bullies (“Whacking Day,” anyone?), and cart them off to Capital City. But Chalmers sweetens the deal and has Skinner exported too. Meanwhile, Lisa suffers massive test anxiety during the exam.

It really feels like nothing happens in this episode. Nothing. Skinner, Otto and the kids end up stranded in Capital City by means of stupidity, Ralph gets stuck on a barge and just sits there because he’s brain damaged, then Skinner must do a thing to save him that requires acquired knowledge and the other kids are instantly impressed. Everything is explicitly narrated so that the audience knows exactly what’s happening, and none of it sounds natural or makes sense. From this, Skinner realizes that kids don’t learn from tests, and rejects the national exam. What exactly did he learn? And how will this not affect Springfield Elementary at all in coming episodes? It’s all an exercise in futility, and I’m not even sure what the meaning of any of it was. Or if there was any meaning at all. Probably not, since we end with a minute-long recreation of the Footloose ending. No other jokes to go with it, they just do the ending with everyone dancing. Jesus Christ, and I thought the random dance ending of “Tales From the Public Domain” was intolerable. One of the emptiest episodes ever, completely bereft of any kind of… anything.

Tidbits and Quotes
– We get a minute-long clip package at the beginning of all the times Homer has gotten hurt on the series, and surprisingly most of them are from the classic years. Despite the show’s over-reliance on terrible physical comedy nowadays, whoever edited this still realized how much funnier it was done in the past.
– The VPAT is part of the No Child Left Alone Act… boy, that sounds familiar, doesn’t it? They’ve mentioned actual legislation like the Patriot Act before, why not just call it by the actual real name?
– There’s a B-story, kind of, involving Homer forgetting to mail out his insurance renewal, and upon frantically delivering it weeks later, he becomes a paranoid wreck, making sure no one is injured on his property until he becomes insured again. Or at least until he believes he will be. He envisions an insane bloodbath occurring at home during Marge’s book club, where everyone is killed by Marge and Lindsay Naegle… who then make out. Talk about cheapening your characters. Next they’ll have Marge pose for Playboy. …oh wait. We end with a knife pegging Mr. Burns in the skull, who for some reason was walking outside the Simpson house, followed by a great bit of blood spurting from each open orifice of his body. Later, Homer apologizes, but of course not only does Marge forgive him, but she acknowledges that it’s her fault (“Sweetie, at this point in a marriage, a wife should know what her husband can do and what he can’t. Who was I to think you could mail an envelope?”) That’s our Marge, spineless enabler to a reckless, irresponsible ape.
– Everything about the Skinner & company stuff is wrong. Everyone acts like morons, they all go into the bathroom with Ralph for some reason so they can not see the bus get taken apart, then of course Ralph can’t do anything he’s told because he’s mentally handicapped. Skinner slingshots a balled up note to a crane operator to help out, which flies through the window, hits the guy driving and knocks him unconscious. A paper ball. Then we get more shitty CG with the crane swinging the container ship around. Skinner builds momentum on top of it by running around in a circle, and the kids are learning! How do I know? Because they openly say it (“Learning can teach you things!” “Education rules!”) Fuck.
– The paranoid Lisa stuff sucks too. There’s a joke that I really hate where she comes to the first problem, but all four possible answers appear correct (“That can’t be. In life, everything only has one answer!”) The joke is about narrow-minded institutionalized teaching… but it’s coming from Lisa’s mouth. They could have done this joke earlier and had Krabappel or Chalmers say it, but why Lisa? Speaking of Chalmers, he’s completely apeshit in this episode. During his loud panicked tirade to the kids, Hank Azaria is really straining his voice. I guess we’d never heard him get loud before, but he doesn’t sound right at all.