(originally aired October 1, 1995)
Despite FOX promos claiming they put the ‘fun’ in ‘dysfunctional,’ the Simpsons are a mostly competent family unit, and moreover, they love and need each other. From the first scene, and as we’ve seen in many episodes prior, Marge is the never-tiring glue that keeps everything running smoothly, and we see that Homer and the kids respect her for it, at least unconsciously. They may not always admit it, they occasionally take her for granted, but they’re well aware of all that mother Simpson does for them. As thanks, Homer managed to score his wife an afternoon away at a luxury spa (“You work yourself stupid for this family. If anyone deserves to be wrapped up in seaweed and buried in mud, it’s you.”) But of course, everything goes to shit in Simpsons fashion as happenstance events compound each other in a ridiculous degree. When Bart and Lisa end up in rough shape at school, social services is called to find the Simpson home an absolute wreck. From all this, the kids are sent to live at a foster home… right next door at the Flanders abode.

This is definitely one of the more intimate, emotional episodes we’ve seen in a while, with scenes of Homer and Marge wandering around their empty house missing all the noise, and Bart and Lisa reminiscing about their parents (“Remember how Mom used to microwave our underwear on cold days?” “Or the way Dad used to call the radio station with fake traffic?”) It’s all incredibly sweet and moving, and through the entire episode you want nothing more than for our beloved characters to be reunited. Going off that, you never feel any ill will regarding the Flanders family. Ned claims to be impartial and nonjudgmental regarding the Simpson parents and does his darndest to give the kids a good, hearty home. But it’s Flanders hearty: cucumbers with cottage cheese and Bible trivia only serve to disturb Bart and Lisa and make them yearn for their own home even more. Meanwhile, Homer and Marge attend court-ordered family skills classes to get their kids back, learning important home safety tips (“Put your garbage in a garbage can, people. I can’t stress that enough. Don’t just throw it out the window.”)

Our climax occurs when Flanders learns that the Simpson kids were never baptized. He’s sat idly by with a lot, but this is the last straw. So it’s off to the Springfield River as Homer and Marge make haste to save their children. I love how this seemingly puerile act takes on such a dramatic, almost horrific angle as Flanders slowly tips his goblet of holy water over Bart’s head, much to Homer’s terror. The slow-mo sequence of him pushing Bart out of the way and taking the proverbial bullet is hilarious, as is the sizzling sound effect when the water hits his head and he writhes in pain (and his brief moment of Biblical clarity following: “Oh, Bartholomew, I feel like St. Augustine of Hippo after his conversion by Ambrose of Milan.” “Wait! Homer, what did you just say?” “I said shut your ugly face, Flanders!”) There’s also an interesting through-line about Maggie, her young impressionable mind seeming to prefer the more loving atmosphere at Casa de Flanders. In the end, it looks she’s going to choose the Flanders flock, until Marge comes into view, and mother and daughter have a lovely reconciliation. “Maggie, you’re a Simpson again.” Belch. That just sums it up right there.

Tidbits and Quotes
– I like how largely all of the pieces that put together the unfit household puzzle are set up very innocuously: the old newspapers, the “stupid baby” note (“Stupid babies need the most attention,”) and a out-of-sorts Grampa (“A disheveled and malnourished man found sleeping in his own filth, seems confused and dehydrated.”) The house was in a bit too big of a mess, and I doubt someone as smothering as Marge would miss that Bart had lice, but now I’m just nitpicking. It was all set up perfectly.
– I love the flashback of how Homer got the tickets. The look on his face when he’s staring forward with the monocle jerking the steering wheel back and forth is hilarious.
– Great disturbing moment at the spa when an off-screen mafia goon gleefully takes off his robe in front of Homer and Marge in the steam room.
– I love the whistling of Lisa’s speech when her tooth falls out. I think they perfectly gave her dialogue with “s” and “th” sounds so they could really emphasize the effect. Also great is the social worker’s condescending attitude to her (“Don’t you worry, little girl. We’ll get you some nice county dentures.”)
– Classic Grampa line when Homer confronts him (“We leave you the kids for three hours and the county takes them away?!” “Oh, bitch, bitch, bitch!”)
– Rod and Todd’s printing press is such a wonderfully lame activity. It’s first used as a joke with “Extra Extra! Todd Smells!” (“Bart, I don’t know if this should be an ‘extra.'” “Is your source on this reliable?”) and later it’s brought back exquisitely as a touching act break (“Simpson Kids Miss Mom and Dad.”)
– The Itchy & Scratchy here is particularly brutal, with Itchy posing as a baby at Scratchy’s doorstep, who then smashes his bottle, pierces the cat twice in the chest, then loots his TV leaving the cat to bleed to death, pleading, “Why?” Rod and Todd’s traumatized reactions and their extremely impressionable questions (“Dad, should I poke Rod with a sharp thing like the mouse did?”) is a spectacular satire on what overzealous media censorship nazis think the effect of such movies and shows have on kids.
– Great shot of the statue of John Swartzwelder on a horse in front of the courthouse.
– Agnes Skinner is at the family skills class, who is in danger of losing Seymour after another fight over that damn bath pillow, as previously argued about in “The Springfield Connection.”
– Here we have Cletus in his second appearance, and the first time he’s named, I think, in a great, great scene with Homer where they role play father and son. “Pa, I cut my finger on the screen door again.” For some reason, Homer is incensed by this and strangles him (even adapting a more country-fied “Why you cotton pickin’!!”) Remembering he needs to pass the course to get his kids back, he backs down, “Son, let’s stop the fussin’ and the feudin’.” He has a tearful embrace with Cletus, prompting the class to wildly applaud, complete with select gun shots.
– It’s a minor bit, but I like that Maude has two stickers on each cheek from Bible trivia. Not only is it a cute visual, but I’m sure she knew most of the answers and let her boys answer, but also participated herself to show she was into the game. Bart and Lisa, of course, can’t answer one. When Lisa reveals the kids were never baptized, Ned faints straight away. A panicked Maude gets some smelling salts to revitalize him, which works, until Ned says, “No, that ain’t gonna do it,” and faints again.
– Everybody passes their parenting class… except for Marge who tested positive for crack and PCP. This is obviously an easily remedied mix-up, leading to a tremendous Marge quote (“The only thing I’m high on is love… love for my son and daughters. Yes, a little LSD is all I need.”)
– Ned is rendered a babbling mess about the baptism situation and calls the Reverend for guidance. Lovejoy of course is very annoyed (“Ned, have you thought about one of the other major religions? They’re all pretty much the same,”) and hangs up to find his model train has wrecked (“Damn Flanders.”) There’s a great callback later when a new train environment Lovejoy is getting delivered is smashed to bits by the speeding Simpson car. He looks to the heavens and asks the Almighty, “Why do you hate my trains?”
– I love Homer’s mocking attempt to think like Flanders (“I’m a big four-eyed lame-o, and I wear the same stupid sweater every day and…”) and how that gets him to the correct location of the Springfield River. Also great how Ned’s “I (HEART) Your Children” bumper sticker drives Homer into a rage as he runs off into the woods.

(originally aired September 24, 1995)
Bloated big budget Hollywood pictures are prime targets for sharp satire, but this episode isn’t so much interested in that as much as just doing a bunch of silly gags, but since said gags are really funny, who am I to complain? Hollywood executives are producing a film version of Radioactive Man (starring McBain’s Rainier Wolfcastle) to be filmed in Springfield, much to the pleasure of Mayor Quimby, who levies as many taxes on them as he can get away with. Auditions are held for the superhero’s ward, Fallout Boy. Bart is eager to get cast, but it ends up going to a greatly reluctant Milhouse. Production halts when Milhouse, sick and tired of the life of an actor, runs off, and when a last minute swap for Mickey Rooney doesn’t work, the film is hastily cancelled.

I really like the concept of someone getting fame thrust upon them against their will, and it certainly makes sense with Milhouse. He’s the eternal second banana, and has no real urge to change that. I like his melancholy attitude through the whole production, which later turns to a weird seething anger regarding the repetitive nature of the business (“We already did it. It took seven hours, but we did it. It’s done.“) Things get a bit weirder in the third act when Bart finds Milhouse in hiding, who expresses his displeasure about Hollywood and how he could be curing diseases or stopping famine. It leads into a jokey monologue by Bart, but it would have fit more if he’d just expressed his lack of interest of being in the spotlight. But the story has a competent balance between Milhouse, and Bart, who has to fight between being jealous and being supportive of his best friend.

While not as much as I’d hoped, there’s plenty of great pokes at Hollywood, mostly from the fast-talking director, building people up with great enthusiasm before cutting them down, and not being bothered to check whether his actors are actually at risk. It’s all worth it for his artistic vision. Wolfcastle works perfectly as the title role, our pseudo Schwarzeneggar, who gets a number of great scenes (“Up and atom!” “Up and at them!”), culminating with one of the most quoted lines of the entire series, “My eyes! The goggles do nothing!” Mickey Rooney proved to be a great guest, giving Milhouse a pep talk, and then later scolding the town of Springfield for driving those good-hearted Hollywood folks out of town (“They weren’t thinking about the money. They just wanted to tell a story, a story about a radioactive man, and you slick small-towners took ’em for all they were worth.”) Which leads to the hilarious end which seems to take place in a very normal and believable version of Hollywood, where the failed production crew are met with open arms and open hearts. It’s truly a forgiving, accepting place, ending on “Lean On Me.” Wonderful.

Tidbits and Quotes
– Noticeable right off the bat is the change in animation this episode. This was the show’s first test at using digital color rather than painting on cels. Some years later, they would try this again (“Tennis the Menace,”) then the show would go all digital starting in season 14.
– We’ve seen Comic Book Guy a select few times in the past, but rather infrequently. I think it’s not until the increasing advent of social networking on computers that he took off, adapting the anal-retentive Internet geek persona, almost mocking the die hard Simpsons fans. Bart and Milhouse pride themselves on collectively owning every Radioactive Man (including the special limited-edition issue where he and Fallout Boy get killed on every page), and wish to know who’s playing the lead in the Radioactive Man picture. So it’s off to the Internet! The animation of CBG waddling to his computer in the back room is hilarious, where he consults alt.nerd.obsessive, most likely referencing the old alt.tv.simpsons newsgroup.
– Amazing parody of the old Batman TV series with Radioactive Man, with guest star Paul Lynde as the Scoutmaster (“Don’t be afraid to use your nails, boys!”), which of course ends with beach party music and dancing girls.
– The producers flip through Variety, and one of them singles out the very small “FLIM SPRINGFIELD” ad (“All right, this place must be hot. They don’t need a big ad, or even correct spelling!”) Another producer responds, “I agree with that logic.” It’s like the writers knew how stupid this plot turn was to get them in Springfield, so they point it out with a good joke.
– I always laugh at the “We ‘HEART’ Phonies” banner up in downtown Springfield.
– It’s pretty much unrelated to the story, but I love the traumatic flashback to Moe’s Little Rascals days, where he killed the original Alfalfa after he stole his “eye in the exhaust pipe” bit. It’s great that a stagehand refers to the poor boy as “the original Alfalfa” in the flashback, and Moe’s afterward to his story (“Luckily, Alfalfa was an orphan owned by the studio.”)
– The director at the auditions has a lot of great bits, from not going with the perfect choice (Martin) because he didn’t sign in (“Oh, forget him, then. It wouldn’t be fair to the other children who filled out their application forms in full,”) and then building Bart’s hopes up twice before rejecting him.
– I love how after Milhouse gets the part, he’s immediately swarmed by fans and runs home, only to find his parents have already bought a living room full of stuff, like somehow they knew already. And great, great elaborate prop of the scuba suit.
– Good timing on the first Milhouse exploding in front of Bart, and then the second, which ends up being the little person actor who we’ve seen in “Burns’ Heir” and “Homie the Clown.” That poor guy can’t catch a break.
– Great sequence where Homer and the teamsters fight over who’s the laziest, culminating in them all writhing on the floor stretching and making loud relaxed noises.
– The whole conceit of the power plant scene is so ridiculous. Why would they use real acid? It’s like the ultimate form of method acting. I like how worried Rainier is after the director announces it, seemingly hearing of it for the first time (“Real acid?”) And how exactly was Milhouse supposed to bring him to safety that he couldn’t do himself? And why was there no safety mechanism to bring him up? And why didn’t Wolfcastle suffer extreme acid burns or die after getting swept up in a gigantic tidal wave? None of this matter of course, since we have “My eyes! The goggles do nothing!”
– Great joke regarding the spinning newspapers, a gag we’ve seen many times in this show and other shows. We get two ones about Milhouse being missing, then a third one reading “Spinning Newspaper Injures Printer.”
– The best scene of the episode is the shifty editor claiming they can finish the movie by splicing together shots of Milhouse with new footage. So Wolfcastle and Milhouse are surrounded by some thugs underground. Cut to Wolfcastle whispering to his sidekick off screen. Cut to the two of them in a bright open field so Milhouse can say his line. Cut to Wolfcastle again whispering, “Are you ready?” Cut to Milhouse on a green room couch, with a flat, “Yes.” Cut to the two of them punching aliens on the moon. Absolutely stellar work (“Seamless, huh?” “You’re fired.” “And with good cause!”)
– Great bits as Bart searches for Milhouse: he’s not at Slot Car Haven where Comic Book Guy and Otto are racing, not at the Spirograph Factory, where the owner has gone mad, but he is at the treehouse, with a great joke featuring a repeat pan to the apparently six corners of the treehouse before we finally land on Milhouse.
– I love how dramatically Mickey Rooney shows up in the helicopter. It’s ridiculous, but then they have a joke explaining how he found them, by tapping their tin can and string phone. If they did this now, there’d be no explanation; celebrities just show up randomly and it’s all good. But here, the Mickster’s so funny, and a real good sport to say “Jiminy Jillickers!” and comment how he could easily sub in for a little girl in a JELL-O pudding commercial.

(originally aired September 17, 1995)
And now, the spine-tingling conclusion! If anyone reading this watched these episodes firsthand, I’d like to hear what you thought the ending was going to be, because I can’t see how anyone saw it coming. The 1-800-COLLECT contest to name the shooter, with the prize of getting yourself animated into an episode, was a bust (although according to the commentary, someone actually did guess correctly online, but they weren’t eligible to win) and I’m sure the big reveal infuriated a lot of people. But I’ll get to that in a bit. This second part focuses on Wiggum’s manhunt for Burns’s shooter, with most of the key suspects getting crossed off quickly. We open to find Smithers as a drunken wreck, who realizes he actually did shoot someone that night, but it ends up not being Burns. That leaves Homer, who, after finding Simpson DNA on Burns’s suit and the old man waking from his coma shouting his name, is promptly arrested. But in the end, Burns reveals the shooter is none other than… Maggie Simpson. Attempting to relinquish the baby’s lollipop in the town hall parking lot, Burns’s revolver fell into her hands and unloaded.

Considering the build-up and all the promotion, I guess there’s no way part two could not be a let-down in some regard. Part one was just so strong, with the drama just building and building until the very end. It was sort of exciting to see our beloved characters appear bloodthirsty, that any one of them could have been fired up enough to be attempted murderers. On top of that, Burns’s condition was in question during the summer between seasons. The old man could very well have been dead, which would made a huge, lasting impact on the series. Part two starts out affirming that Burns is alive, which pops that bubble right away. Act one is about Smithers believing he had done it, but that leads us to believe that of course he didn’t, and act two quickly absolves all of the other characters. Then we get to Homer, who we know couldn’t have done it, which leaves us with… Maggie. While there were a few clues within these two episodes that might have pointed you to her, it’s such an out-of-nowhere choice that one would make that the mystery of it all becomes a red herring in itself. While this is a little unsatisfying, I absolutely love it at the same time; it was all a big unsolvable goof. There were some tricks pulled, but it all makes sense within the story. There weren’t any purposely misguiding clues or incorrect information. It all pointed to Maggie, you just didn’t know it.

With the plot pretty thin, we end up with a lot of great free-standing scenes, and also a lot of cultural references. We ingeniously start off with Smithers finding Burns in his shower, referencing the episode’s precursor Dallas, when they wrote over an entire season claiming it was all a dream. There’s also a great send-up of Twin Peaks where Lisa appears in Wiggum’s dreams to give him a subconscious clue, which is incredibly eerie, as they had Yeardley Smith speak her lines backwards then play it back, just like they did on that series. There’s plenty of funny jokes here, many coming from Wiggum’s incredible incompetence in his investigation, and other suspects like Moe, Skinner and Willie proving their innocences (the latter in a hilarious Basic Instinct parody). While it may not be as perfect as part one, it’s definitely what one could have hoped for in a satisfying conclusion to this two-part epic. “Who Shot Mr. Burns?” is one of the cornerstones of the Simpsons library, and for damn good reason too.

Tidbits and Quotes
– I love the beginning, focusing on an empty bottle of Vagrant’s Choice Fortified Scotch (“may cause ejection of stomach contents”), then turning about to reveal Smithers’s completely trashed apartment. He awakens, coughing up cigarette butts. He then finds Burns in the shower, which we know is ridiculous, but then they just push it even further with Speedway Squad! In Color! (“The year is 1965, and you and I are undercover detectives on the hot rod circuit. Now, let’s burn rubber, baby!”) Of course it was all a dream, but to Smithers’s chagrin, his apartment being an absolute wreck was not. And he still coughs up cigarettes.
– Great reporting from Kent Brockman (“Burns was rushed to a nearby hospital where he was pronounced dead. He was then transferred to a better hospital where doctors upgraded his condition to ‘alive.'”)
– Grampa gets up to use the outhouse, which causes Homer to leap up (“My tool shed!”) Kinda lowbrow humor, but the callback of Homer hosing out the tool shed is damned funny.
– The flashbacks to “Part One” I suppose are necessary to highlight on important incidents, particularly, “It’ll be like taking candy from a baby,” but are a tad less effective when watching each one back to back.
– Following his dynamite one-scene-wonder in “Part One,” Sideshow Mel comes back with a vengeance here. I absolutely love Mel. Like Sideshow Bob, he’s a culturally high-minded thespian stuck playing second banana to a buffoonish clown, but he takes it with a more quiet dignity. Here, he unravels the mystery that Smithers couldn’t have shot Burns, as he left the town hall meeting early to catch the show “Pardon My Zinger.” I love how dramatic he takes it, and how Krusty ends up becoming his tag-along. The best is when Mel bursts into the police station, introducing himself, and Krusty as his associate. Krusty, bewildered by what he’s got wrapped into, musters a confused, “Hey hey.”
– Turns out the man Smithers shot was Jasper, who was none too pleased at Smithers’s drunken staggering (“Sidewalk’s for regular walkin’, not for fancy walkin’.”) But, he was just shot in his wooden leg, so it’s fine. Also he’s senile (“Who shot who in the what now?”)
– Great quick line from Grampa (“You never know what you’re capable of. I never thought I could shoot down a German plane, but last year I proved myself wrong.”)
– Of course the police immediately start with the most high-profile suspect Tito Puente, who has chosen to enact his vengeance toward Burns through song. “Senor Burns” may feel a bit like a time killer, but it’s such a great song that who cares. Also interesting is that it’s sung by the lounge singer from all the way back in “Homer’s Night Out.” By the end of the performance, Wiggum is won over (“Okay, I believe you’re innocent. Gee, I hope all our suspects are this much fun.”) That leads us right to Skinner, who boringly spends a long period of silence attempting to recall his whereabouts that night. Finally he remembers he was going to ambush Burns, going to the bathroom to apply his camo makeup, but ended up taking his mother’s. Chalmers walks in on him, and things immediately become awkward. Skinner attests Chalmers can confirm this story (“But anything else he tells you is a filthy lie.”)
– Willie proves his innocence thanks to his arthritis he got from playing Space Invaders, which prevents him from firing a pistol (“That was a pretty addictive video game.” “Video game?”) The best suspect is Moe, who’s hooked up to a lie detector, and ends up ultimately confessing his evening plans (“I’m gonna sit home and ogle the ladies in the Victoria’s Secret catalog!” BUZZ. “…Sear’s catalog.” DING. “Will you unhook this thing already please? I don’t deserve this kind of shabby treatment!” BUZZ.)
– Great act break joke by Wiggum after arresting Homer (“Yeah, that’s what they all say. They all say ‘D’oh.'”)
– Wonderful parody of The Fugitive when Wiggum’s paddywagon tips over as he attempts to reach out the window at the Krusty Burger drive-through. Jasper make a return appearance (“Dang fools. Drive-through’s not for a-parkin’!”) ramming his oldsmobile into Wiggum’s, as Homer in chains hobbles to safety, just like the train derailed in the film. The pimply faced teen has seen enough (“Diane! I’m going to take my break now!”)
– Lisa isn’t convinced by the evidence; that could be any Simpson DNA, except Marge’s, but she insists it could be (“When I took your father’s name, I took everything that came with it, including DNA.”) She also figures Homer’s fingerprints could have gotten on the gun any other way, which we see in a flashback where Homer feels around under the car seat to relinquish a fallen ice cream, only to find a sticky lollipop (which will come into play later, of course).
– First mention of Marvin Monroe Memorial Hospital, meaning the good doctor is dead now for no explainable reason, other than Harry Shearer hated doing his voice. He comes back in a much later episode for no apparent reason other than to annoy the fans.
– The resolution really fits if you think about it. I love Burns’s recollection of the story (“Smithers had thwarted my earlier attempt to take candy from a baby, but with him out of the picture, I was free to wallow in my own crapulence.”) I also like how he immediately deflates the significance of collapsing while pointing to “W” and “S,” which was considered a big clue, but really, would a dying man really think to do that? Burns explains what he really did with his last ounce of strength (“I sucked out my gold fillings and swallowed them. Those paramedics have sticky fingers.”) He insists that the police arrest Maggie, but Wiggum explains no court system would ever convict a baby… maybe Texas. Then we go out with some sinister Maggie sucking. Fantastic.