(originally aired April 25, 2004)
This season has been pretty terrible, but none of the episodes were particularly aggravating me and bringing my ire up. Then we get to this recent batch and it’s just one mind-numbingly awful episode after another, culminating with this one, filled with bitterness and recrimination amidst the previously loving Simpson family. Of all the caricaturization of the main cast, the one who hurts the most is Marge, who is mostly a doormat and an endless apologist for Homer’s insane antics, as seen in “Co-Dependent’s Day.” But this episode just brings her, and Homer to an extent, to a whole new level, as they seem to harbor a deep resentment toward their own children. Bart and Lisa get out of having to go to a great uncle’s funeral in Dayton, Ohio, and in exchange, Marge demands that they all do something together as a family. They rent Love Story, because kids love tragic romantic films, then when Bart makes snarky commentary and Lisa soapboxes about the illogical love affair (because she’s apparently a jaded thirty-something now and not a little kid), Marge chastizes them for ruining she and Homer’s romantic moment. Wasn’t it her insistence that they watch the video as a family? It’s like the writers just forgot.

On a spur of the moment decision, Homer and Marge blow off Dayton and catch a flight to Miami Beach to have a second honeymoon. Marge gleefully announces that she’s ditching their kids, toasts to a life without them, and she and Homer laugh uproariously at starry-eyed newlyweds who can’t wait to have their own children. It’s so, so uncomfortable how hateful this episode is. Would Marge ever speak this badly about her children? Never. In the past, we’ve seen her get annoyed with them, even in a similar situation, like in “Grampa vs. Sexual Inadequacy,” she hurriedly tries to calm Bart’s nerves so she can get back to screwing her husband. Here, she and Homer openly criticize them for nothing except for some childish horseplay in the first act. Bart and Lisa discover where their parents really are, and for some reason they have a new mission (“We’re going to follow them across this great land, making sure they don’t have one moment of fun!”) That’s Lisa’s line, by the way. They write her so adult you’d think she would be mindful of her parents wanting to get away, but in this episode, she’s brought down to Bart’s level so the “story” can “work.”

A cross-country chase ensues as the kids chase the parents from hotspot to hotspot, because this totally makes sense as something that can happen. They hand wave it with showing Homer having Flanders’s credit card, and I guess Marge is so horny she has no ethical qualms about it. This is told via an extended montage sequence “parodying” the opening credit sequence to the show’s namesake Catch Me If You Can. It doesn’t really count as a parody if you’re not… parodying anything: both sequences use the same style and music, and are about two people (or two groups of people) chasing each other from place to place. The last stop is Niagra Falls where Bart and Lisa finally catch their parents, where Marge yells at them to shut up (a painful moment), and Lisa doesn’t react to her mother’s resigned disappointment. At least not until the next morning when she tells Bart that they went too far and should give their parents some space. They go to a carnival, where Homer and Marge happen to be, who then flee to a moon bounce, which ends up tipping over the falls while the two are having sex. While Bart and Lisa watch from binoculars and comment how everything worked out fine this week. Marge, the endlessly loving solid hunk of bedrock of the Simpson family, resents her children. The happy ending involves she and Homer finally having sex, and doesn’t involve apologizing to her kids for the horrible things she said, or for lying, or realizing how important they are to her. Everything about this episode is unpleasant and uncomfortable, and I know I keep saying this, but I think we’ve ended the week on the worst one of all.

Tidbits and Quotes
– Bart and Lisa burst through the door fighting each other, knocking Maggie out of Marge’s hands. Her reaction? “Shame on you two creeps!” Creeps? She’d break them up and scold them for sure, but creeps?
– The only moment of authentic Marge in this episode involves her fawning over the wonderful attractions Dayton has to offer (“It’s got Wright-Patterson Air Force Base, and a zipper museum!”)
– I have to stress this again: Marge insisted they do something together as a family, end up renting a movie that her children would have no interest, then get annoyed when they interrupt her cuddling with Homer, and grumble about how kids “ruin everything” afterward. You sat two children in front of Love Story and expected them to watch and be quiet?
– Homer and Marge getting on a different plane is another of this logic gaps the show’s common for now, but the hand wave with the guy at the gate isn’t half bad (“Go ahead, what do I care? I’m getting laid off tomorrow.”)
– Oh yeah, there’s also a running “story” involving Grampa trying to hit up old widows on Miami Beach, but ending up in the penthouse with an elderly gay guy for some reason. And that’s the end of that plot line, Grampa’s stuck in Miami. Also, where the hell did Maggie go?
– Marge and Homer come back to their room only to find Bart and Lisa asleep outside their door. Marge’s response? “The kids tracked us down!” Not out of surprise, but disappointment. How the fuck did they get here, she might ask. They then quickly get the hell out of dodge, with packed suitcases even though they couldn’t get to their room, with Marge telling the taxi driver to “step on it!” She can’t get away from those fucking kids fast enough, I guess.
– Homer and Marge and Bart and Lisa end up on the same Ferris wheel after the kids decided to give them some space. Lisa attempts to explain her motives were good, but Marge cuts her off, “We understand perfectly well!” Seeing her yell at her daughter twice in one show… it’s so uncomfortable. Think back to “Scenes From the Class Struggle in Springfield,” all the events of the episode have led up to a stress-harangued Marge trying to mend her dress for the umpteenth time, causing her to explode on her daughter, a moment treated with actual drama, since that’s so unlike her to do so. Here, she reams out her kids for her own selfish reasons since she just wants to get her rocks off. Which she does in the end in place of an actual apology for acting like a mean, deceitful bitch. I’m not even angry about she and Homer going over the falls without a scratch on them, this is all bullshit.

(originally aired April 18, 2004)
Equally as tragic as the caricaturization of our favorite family is what happened to the other denizens of Springfield. A lot of them would also have their most prominent character trait exaggerated that it would consume them, leaving them mere shells of their former selves, popping up every now and again to give a joke in a scene and then leave. This episode brings that idea to a more depressing level: Skinner and Krabappel, once compelling and interesting characters, are now literally props in their own episode, unable to say or do anything without interference from the Simpsons for some unknown reason. The first scene Skinner announces his wedding to Krabappel over the intercom, then we get the respective bachelor/bachelorette parties. Edna’s is at the Simpson house with Marge, and the few other female characters we have. Skinner’s is at Moe’s with Homer, Lenny and Carl. Homer and Marge’s relationship with these two doesn’t extend outside of their kids going to their school, why are they all over each other like this? Well, there is a reason, but it’s a terrible one, but more on that in a bit.

Skinner drunkenly admits he’s dreading the wedding and has cold feet, and when Edna catches wind of this, she leaves him standing at the altar. I’m not entirely sure why Skinner feels this way, since all he mentions is how Edna kept bothering him to set a wedding date. That’s the biggest problem here, this whole episode is about their relationship, and there’s not one scene in this episode where Krabappel and Skinner have a conversation with each other. They’re both seemingly adults, but the closest we get is where Skinner calls to Edna’s window, with both of them being fed lines by Homer and Marge, which eventually turns into a big pissing match between the Simpsons. Then we get two very telling lines from Skinner, the first being “If I could just speak to Edna for a moment…” Yeah, why not? Just go up and fucking talk to her then. Second, “Just why I am taking your advice?” This whole episode he’s been glued to Homer for no reason whatsoever, and it’s very bizarre. Yeah, why are you taking his advice? Why… why… fucking why…

The third act plot turn makes things even worse, as Krabappel goes on the rebound with Comic Book Guy. A random pairing to be sure, but anything can work with some quality writing. Unfortunately I haven’t seen any of that in quite a long time, so it doesn’t make sense here. After what couldn’t be more than a week, the two are to be wed at the local sci-fi convention, and Skinner must put a stop to it. Now, I rarely pontificate about how things should be written, but here’s a thought of what they could have done. If Skinner needed to have a ticking clock before losing Krabappel forever, why not bring in the never-before-seen Mr. Krabappel? He comes back to town and wants her back, and a weakened Edna goes to him, and Skinner must prove his love to her before it’s too late. That would actually be interesting, and shed some light on Krabappel’s past. Instead, we get Klingon Comic Book Guy and Skinner in a latex Catwoman suit pitifully fight each other, and Krabappel dumping both of them. It couldn’t be any less satisfying or logical.

Running through the episode is another Homer/Marge marital strife plot. Marge tries to reaffirm the positivity of marriage to Edna, but finds that difficult given the bloated dumb asshole she’s wed to. She grows more and more cynical over the course of the episode thanks to Homer’s insensitivity and moronic actions, except at this point, they’re really no different than how Homer normally acts. That’s the issue here: Homer is always a raging dick, but it’s a crapshoot as to whether Marge with either be a smiling Stepford wife, murmur and walk off exasperated, or be incredibly pissed off. Him whittling batteries in bed and talking about skipping his wedding ring at Lake Michigan can elicit any of these three responses at this point, it doesn’t matter anymore. In the final scene of the episode, Homer wins Marge over by shoving a grade school band in his bedroom closet and hiring a Klingon minister. It’s so unbelievably rushed, it’s like the writers had a minute left before they had to submit a final draft. For an episode about love and marriage, I can’t think of an episode more cold and soulless. For me, this is just as bad as “Co-Dependent’s Day,” if not a little worse.

Tidbits and Quotes
– Wiggum arrives at the Simpson house during the bachelorette party (“We got an anonymous tip about loud music and a strip-diddly-ipper.”) Flanders called and complained. We get the joke, right? Nope, Marge has to look out the window and see Ned looking out his and closing the curtains. Then the ladies get Wiggum to start stripping too, so either they don’t know he’s a real cop, which is impossible, or they’re just fucking with him. But for some reason they all seem really psyched to see him take his shirt off and reveal his blubber gut.
– Skinner and Krabappel’s wedding is held in the school gym, Edna is brought in by Otto in the bus, the school band is playing… why does everything need to be tied to the school? They could have made it like Skinner was a penny-pincher and Edna grew tired of it. Instead, it’s just like, they work at the school, so they’ll get married at the school!
– “This is it, Edna. As I once said at the Battle of Khe Sanh, I surrender.” What a terrible thing to say to your future wife! What the fuck is happening?
– I just don’t understand a lot in this episode. This aftermath must be going on for a few weeks, and Skinner and Krabappel work in the same building, but we don’t get one interaction between them. Skinner apparently doesn’t even talk to Edna before Homer coaches him into doing it. It’s like these two are children who have to be told what to do, literally.
– Krabappel meets Comic Book Guy to return the gift he brought to their wedding. Why was he there in the first place? And the climax involves saving Krabappel from him, but why? CBG treats her well, and he’s an alright guy. Skinner insults Edna at the altar and seems to have no feelings for her that he can communicate outside of being drunk. The only sweet thing he does is after what must be weeks past the lapsed wedding, he serenades Edna outside her apartment, except even that sounds insincere (“If you come home, I won’t die alone, and that’s what I’d prefer!”) It also causes my ears to bleed.
– Matt Groening voices himself in a completely random scene. Sadly, I guess it’s the highlight of the episode.
– “Why are you dressed as Catwoman?” “No, they told me it was Catman!” Really, Skinner, with breasts and heels, you thought it was Catman? Do the writers think he’s an idiot?
– So Skinner and Krabappel are over, just like that. Now they’re this weird on again/off again sort of couple occasionally. I just remember she gave him a pity fuck on his birthday in one episode. She dumps CBG too for no real reason, not wanting to be tied down, or something. Except she was going to marry Skinner, but I guess she made an emotional change that we never saw in this episode that was supposed to be about her and Skinner. As that whole scene “resolves,” Homer announces it must be time for the relationship reset (“Now that Krabappel’s made her decision, it’s time to whitewash over our problems.”) Marge then tells him that it won’t be so easy this time. But of course it will be, we’ve got a minute of show left. The ending is so mind-blowingly rushed, it’s staggering. Marge sits in bed musing how her marriage has been a sham and how Homer doesn’t give a shit about her. Homer walks in asking if she’s marry him one more time. Marge then immediately melts and doesn’t bat an eye when she sees twenty ten-year-olds stuffed in her closet being forced to play instruments. What a pile of shit show this is.

(originally aired March 28, 2004)
Though not as egregiously awful as the last two, this episode has some pretty bad elements, but on the whole doesn’t really sway me one way or the other, it’s just another episode in an unforgettable sea of latter-day Simpsons. We start with a family outing to Costington’s, which is just one unfunny set piece after another. The last bit involves Bart creating a phony wedding registry and shooting a variety of items with a pricing gun. That somehow leads him to having dozens of printed out invitations that he can send out all over town. So people will get this note informing them of the Bart Simpson-Lotta Cooties wedding, and they’ll have one of two thoughts. Either they know Bart and that he’s a ten-year-old, assuming this is a prank or a mistake, or they don’t know a Bart Simpson, and they’ll throw it away. Instead, everyone shows up to an empty tent, including people like Dr. Hibbert, Willie, Flanders, even fucking Patty and Selma are there! They all crowd inside until they notice that there’s clearly no wedding happening since it’s an empty tent, which Bart has zipped up from the outside. This leads to Moe announcing they’re trapped and starts breathing in as much air as possible. Is the tent glued to the ground or something? Couldn’t someone lift under and open the flap? Or just crawl out? Or tear the fucking tent open? No, everyone breathes in and out until they all pass out and the tent deflates. This prank is so fucking stupid, yet everyone in town falls for it. Springfield may be filled with morons, but this gives them way too little credit.

Bart’s latest escapade brings back everyone’s favorite, Judge Harm, who sentences Bart to six months in juvenile hall. Act two is just a bunch of sequences showing prison life, from a career fair for kids who don’t seem much older than thirteen to screening censored cartoons, a bit that was done a lot better in “The Old Man and the ‘C’ Student” (you know things aren’t going so hot when I’m using Mike Scully episodes as positive examples). There’s a bit that goes absolutely nowhere where Homer becomes a prison guard to keep an eye on his son, which of course he can just up and do on a whim, and really is just for the sake of a single joke, and serves only to kill time since there’s no story. In the yard, Bart has a run-in with tough girl Gina, voiced by Sarah Michelle Gellar. During a mandated dance, the two are paired together (literally with handcuffs), and Gina sees an opportunity to escape and goes for it, with Bart involuntarily along for the ride.

Gina falls into the “Bart’s celebrity girlfriend” category by default, even though she’s not really a girl Bart pursues in any way. Gellar does as good a job as she can with Gina, but there’s only so much you can do with the material. She’s got a slight amount of intrigue to her, but she ends up just being a generic bad girl since we have no insight as to who she is and why she’s rebellious. Jessica Lovejoy, she ain’t. She and Bart start off on bad terms, then have a single bonding scene, then after that they’re cordial to each other. Gina lies about having a family to run off to, but Bart finds out she was making it up. Then the two of them are caught by the police, and are gonna be sent back to juvie, right? Wait, hang on. Gina confesses that the escape was all her idea, which is the truth, and surely eyewitnesses can confirm this. Wiggum tells Bart he’s free to go, even though there’s still time left in his sentence, but he’s got no room in the squad car for him, so whatever. The writers really know how to keep stakes high. Characters can get away with anything as long as we have cop-out endings and our lovable brain dead regulars to rely on! An at-times aggravating, but ultimately yawn-inducing episode.

Tidbits and Quotes
– Every Costington’s bit is groan-worthy in many different ways. Homer getting caught on the escalator is more unfunny Homer-getting-hurt in an illogical fashion, with everyone getting off and stepping on him for some reason. Lisa finding the girls section to feature slutty clothing is an obvious gag hammered in over and over (“This is our ‘Li’l Hooker’ line. All the girls your age are wearing it, except the freakishly unpopular!”) Marge gets her pores examined and apparently there’s like some freaky green alien bug living on her face which gets brutally killed with some lotion. I don’t even know what to make of that. Oh, and then Homer mistakes a changing room for a bathroom. So he walked into a small room with no toilet or urinal, dropped his pants and let ‘er rip.
– A Costington’s clerk sees Bart messing with the pricing gun, and instead of taking it from him and telling the kid to not tamper with the merchandise, he explains exactly what it is and how to use it for no real reason. Why would he waste his time telling this kid what it is?
– Everyone “stuck” in the tent not knowing how to get out may be one of the worst scenes in the show’s history. Honestly, how fucking stupid are these people? It makes absolutely no sense to me.
– Charles Napier makes his final guest appearance as the warden, and as usual he does a fantastic job, adding some small glimmers of life to this dead episode (“You two will dance and you’ll like it. Then you’ll have punch and you’ll drink it. Then your eyes will meet and it will be awkward, so help me God.“)
– Marge cries over her son being in jail, thinking she’s a horrible mother. Now, knowing how they write Homer now, I automatically expected him to say, “Of course you are” or something. But that isn’t nearly cruel or heartless enough (“It’s not all your fault. All these years I watched you turn our son into a time bomb and yet I did nothing. So in a way, I too am a victim… of you.”) Way to go, writers, for going above and beyond in making Homer into a royal, insensitive jackass.
– This is another Lauren MacMullen episode, and it’s got a few scenes that are really well done, like Gina spotting her escape from the dance and the whole blacksmith sequence. It’s very rare we get any sort of life visually from this show, but she manages to make it happen.
– Props to Gellar for her performance during Gina’s fake sob story. You can tell she actually gave a shit about her part and gave it her all.
– Snake appears on TV with Kent Brockman to plug a book he wrote about committing successful crimes. Then we see he’s holding Kent at gunpoint and apparently will be on Conan O’Brien later in the week. Anyone want to explain this one to me?
– Amidst all the garbage that happens in the ending, Charles Napier swoops in with a good joke to end on (“Well, my shift’s over. I guess it’s back to my bachelor apartment, make a tuna sandwich, turn on Will & Grace, and cry myself to sleep.” “Would you like to join us?” “Didn’t you hear me, I’ve got an evening planned!”) Excellent read. We miss you, Mr. Napier.

(originally March 21, 2004)
I don’t feel like sidestepping here, this is one of the worst fucking episodes of the series. We’ve seen plenty of Homer being a selfish asshole, but in this episode, not only does he do something completely irredeemable to his wife, she takes him back with absolutely no acknowledgement of it. But before I open that can of worms, let’s cover the terrible first act, where the show takes aim at Star Wars: Episode I. When did that movie come out? 1999, five years before this show aired. How topical! Also it’s not Star Wars, it’s “Cosmic Wars,” where everything is exactly like Star Wars, and just the names have been tweaked. Why bother? Remember when young Homer and Marge saw The Empire Strikes Back? Now they’d make it “The Lordship Fights Again” or some shit. We’ve already had SPRAWL-MART, this is just one small step toward Nintendo Zii and Mapple. Anyway, the show’s scathing criticism of the movie is that its over-reliant on special effects and Jar Jar is annoying, observations that certainly haven’t been made a thousand times over already. Bart and Lisa are incensed, and the family goes to California for them to complain to George Lu… I mean, Randall Curtis himself, because I guess they have the money to drop everything and go across the country on a dime. The kids break into Curtis’s office, where Lisa speaks as the writers in humorless criticism (“Better technology doesn’t mean better storytelling!”) In ten seconds, Curtis is a changed filmmaker, and that’s the end of him. But honestly, this show is in no position to criticize anyone for lack of quality. Episode I certainly has its problems, but I’d watch it over modern Simpsons any day of the week.

Anyway, the plot here, and I use that term loosely, is that Homer and Marge become drinking buddies, which strengthens their relationship somehow. But there’s an uncomfortable edge to it even at the start, where it feels like Homer is allowing Marge into his world almost begrudgingly, even though she should be the love of his life. Marge feels honored that Homer invites her to Moe’s, even though she should hate the place that her husband has wasted so many hours wallowing away in away from his family. After one too many hangovers, Marge suggests the two socialize without drinking, which Homer of course will have none of. He feigns ignorance and brings Marge to Oktoberfest, where the two of them get plastered. Homer crashes the car driving home, and not wanting to get another DUI and get his license taken away, he places a passed out Marge into the driver’s seat, framing her for the crime. Homer’s done a lot of shit, but I can honestly say this is the worst thing he’s ever done. Anyone who can pitch a more deplorable act, be my guest, but this is just monstrous.

Homer bails Marge out, thinking it will all be water under the bridge, but Marge is devastated at what she thought she did, and becomes something of a town laughing stock for her drunken escapades, even though I’m sure Homer gets into far worse at a more regular schedule. She checks herself into rehab, and Homer goes to visit her and confesses his horrible actions. Here’s what happens after that: Marge is completely livid and storms out, while Homer appears sad, then takes another swig out of his flask hidden in a Bible, because he’s a hopeless addict. Marge returns to her support group and they all get hammered. After a few drinks, she says that she doesn’t feel happy drinking, then concludes that it was Homer’s company she enjoyed all along. Then she reunites with Homer and urges him to cut down on drinking. He reluctantly accepts that he’ll cut out all clear liquids, but it’s really no agreement at all since we know he’ll be a raging drunk in future episodes. So no mention of Homer’s transgressions at all after that, Marge has just completely forgotten about it. Before the two leave, the rehab clerk speaks up (“I really don’t think you two should leave. He’s a chronic alcoholic, and you’re in complete denial.”) And you know what? He’s right. Homer’s completely wasted and Marge drags him out. It’s almost like an abusive relationship. Homer got his wife thrown in jail and continues to kill himself with booze and Marge takes him back every single time. What a sour, disheartening look at this couple I love. This episode starts out aggravating with the Star Wars stuff and just gets worse and worse into a completely explosive ending where I end up hating everyone and everything that’s happening. Homer has gotten away with a lot of awful things, but doing this hideously awful thing to the love of his life out of his own selfishness and completely getting away with it with absolutely no remorse? Fuck this guy.

Tidbits and Quotes
– All the Cosmic Wars stuff is just interminable, and it’s the entire first act. Why would they wait so late to do this shit? I’m sure it’s something they wrote around the time of Episode I and kept it lying around, then figured they could just dig it up and slap it on the front of the Homer/Marge drunk story.
– Jar Jar Binks is now called Jim Jam. Sigh. We saw Comic Book Guy with a Jar Jar figure in a past episode, so this don’t make no sense. All this name change stuff is so uninspired, it’s like out of a low rent MAD Magazine.
– Homer rubs me the wrong way right out of the box, hesistant about Marge joining his wine binge (“Who am I gonna complain about when I’m drinking?”) Why would he complain about Marge, the saintly woman who puts up with his crap all the time? There’s a lot of troubling things in Homer’s day-to-day, but one thing that always made him likable was his unwavering love toward his wife. Now she’s this buzzkill harpy that gives him a hard time. Bullshit.
– A latter-day Simpsons staple joke seems to be over-explanation, which we see several times this episode, from Moe (“Now, in a step I should have perhaps taken initially, let me look up the value of that bottle in this wine collector’s guide,”) and Chief Wiggum (“Maybe someone else is here, and maybe he’ll step forward and admit to being the real culprit!”) These lines don’t work because they feel completely unnatural. No one talks like this at all. Ever.
– Homer and Marge’s social drinking is not fun to watch. Seeing them completely blasted and stumbling about giggling and laughing, it’s not healthy behavior. It’s basically Marge aiding and abetting Homer’s rampant alcoholism.
– It’s amazing how Homer remains completely selfish throughout the entire third act (“I can’t believe I drove drunk.” “But you do believe it, right?”) even up until his final admission of guilt (“Marge, I did it out of love! Love of not being arrested!”) It’s baffling how the writers don’t seem to understand or bother to notice how completely unlikable this makes Homer. Most telling is during this last act, where you’d think Homer would be going through some emotional turmoil from what he did, but there’s a terminally extended sequence involving Homer mimicking hold music on the phone that goes on foreeeeeeever. His wife checked herself into rehab and is in complete despair all because of him, and we’re watching him belting out songs and giving phony hold messages like a fucking idiot. It’s a virtually unwatchable sequence in a virtually unwatchable show.

(originally aired March 14, 2004)
“Half-Decent Proposal” wasn’t exactly brilliant, but it brought back an old character in a interesting way and made a somewhat believable and entertaining show out of it. This one drags him back for a third outing, and is the complete opposite, making for a stupid, aimless episode void of any sense or emotional content. The first act exemplifies all of this, where Homer takes the kids to the movies, and impulsively buys tickets to a terrifying horror movie. He sits there with a mindless grin as Bart and Lisa are visibly scared, and continue to be clearly traumatized throughout the night. Marge acknowledges what Homer did, but doesn’t seem to care whatsoever, as the two are about to have sex before the kids burst in the room claiming they hear weird noises from the attic. Who’s up there? Artie Ziff, who’s somehow been living there for quite some time, sucking the moisture from the rafters. It’s not a very good sign when you’re repeating plot elements from a Treehouse of Horror episode, and even worse when they’re even more preposterous and unrealistic.

So whatever, Artie’s back, a victim of the dotcom bubble burst, choosing to live with the Simpsons since Marge is the closest thing Artie ever had to a true love. In Artie’s many years out on his own, of all the people he’s met and ingratiated himself with to become a CEO, there’s no one else he could have fallen back on? It’s a risk you run when you have characters show up again and again to make them somewhat make sense, but here it’s like Artie’s life revolves around the Simpsons for some reason. They agree to let Artie stay, or rather everyone but Marge agrees, and she just murmurs. Why would Marge allow this? Oh right, because she’s a continually bulldozed-over doormat who randomly puts up with her husband’s insane bullshit week in and week out. Making the episode about Marge feeling uncomfortable around Artie and Artie trying to convince her he’s not so bad may have been a bit interesting, but this episode is not concerned about that at all. It’s all bonehead Homer all the time, as he wins 98% of the shares of Artie’s company in a poker game, and ends up under fire from the SEC as the largest shareholder for ZiffCorp’s fraudulent business practices.

The only Marge/Artie stuff we get is when Marge accuses Artie for being self-centered, which seems like a fairly soft blow given that he’s manipulated Homer take the fall for him. Also she apparently waited until Homer’s sentencing before throwing Artie out of the house, which was nice of her. Meanwhile Homer has been such a complete imbecilic jerk this entire show that I don’t even feel bad that he’s in prison, lamenting that when he gets out, Bart will be too old for him to choke anymore. Salvation comes when Patty and Selma run into Artie and are bowled over to find he’s responsible for putting Homer away, leading to a vigorous fuck session between Selma and Artie. Then afterwards Artie turns himself in, having a change of heart for absolutely no reason. If he’s made this connection with Selma, why wouldn’t he just want to stay with her? We’ve seen he’s a bit of a dick, why not? Or he realizes how despondent Marge has become and decides to do the right thing for her sake. But Marge only exists for Artie to make inappropriate remarks to, and bears nothing coming close to a human emotion in this episode. None of the characters do. This episode is like a humorless sterile vacuum that sucks the life from everyone, and tragically, Jon Lovitz is the next one to fall. Not even him singing or all the “achem”s in the world can save this shit script.

Tidbits and Quotes
– Speaking of shit scripts, this one was written by Dan Castellaneta and wife Deb Lacusta, which is especially weird considering this is the most assholey we’ve seen Homer in a long while. You’d think the guy who voices Homer would have a better understanding of his character.
– We open with a static shot of the movie theater marquee, giving us ample time to read all of the terrible joke movie titles. Looking back to “Colonel Homer,” the same shot is done in half the time, along with an additional joke of Homer commenting, “Oooh, they all look good!” instead of just a music cue here. Sad, sad times.
– There seems to be this belief that the viewer hates to read, as we get multiple instances of written sight gags being read out loud, from the religious movie pamphlet to the Newsweek headline. Even after the long hold on the movie titles, Homer runs off a couple more of them to Raphael at the box office.
– There seems to be no real reason why Rod and Todd are at the movies. I guess it was just an excuse for the “What Would Jesus View?” bit, which admittedly isn’t bad.
– Homer is a flaming asshole during the movie (“Relax, stupid!”) Purposefully freaking out the Flanders kids for no reason, then ignoring the frightened pleas of his daughter. What a stand-up guy! In place of Marge being upset with Homer about all this, we have a joke instead (“You took little children to The Re-deadening? Homer, this is a rare lapse in judgement for you!”)
– Topical as ever, the writers pull off a Blair Witch parody a mere… six years after the movie came out. It’s material we’ve seen ripped on a thousand other places, and these guys have nothing new to add.
– I know I shouldn’t even bother asking, but they never explain exactly how Artie got into the attic, and no one even inquires about it. The second act opens with Marge asking, “Why are you living in our attic?” instead of “How the fuck did you get in our house? I’m calling the cops.”
– Having all of Lovitz’s other characters appear at Moe’s is kind of inspired, I guess. Just a little. I’d probably be more amused if I didn’t hate everything else in the episode so much.
– The only thing I like in this show is how underhanded and squirrely Artie is for letting Homer take the fall. He could have seen it as getting Homer out of the picture to pursue Marge, but eventually decided to do the right thing for the sake of the woman he loved. They kind of already did that in “Proposal” though, but it makes a hell of a lot more sense than this stupid ending.
– Krusty appears on the board of congressmen who ream out Homer, the only other time I can recall we see him in public office.
– Homer is in full fledged intolerable asshole mode this whole episode, but particularly in act three, from exasperating the Blue-Haired Lawyer (“You, sir, are a moron!” “A Mormon? But I’m from Earth!”) to thinking that Artie is Bart after being released from prison.
– The show ends with Artie squirting water on the cigarettes of all of his fellow inmates, but he didn’t seem to have much of an issue with Selma smoking, did he? Oh, who gives a shit. Clearly the writers don’t, so why should I?