(originally aired February 20, 2005)
Following in the footsteps of “Three Gays of the Condo,” this is another episode that the writers hope will make the series look tolerant and progressive, but ultimately just feels hacky and gimmicky. To bring in more tourists, Springfield legalizes gay marriage, and when Reverend Lovejoy forbids to perform any non-hetero services, Homer steps in, having become an ordained minister over the Internet in less than a minute. Then it stumbles into this weird thing where Homer vows he’ll marry anything to anything else, and he goes on Smartline to defend his actions. He’s acting purely out of greed, but the deeper connotations are slightly disconcerting. Kent Brockman cites the recent surge in rash marriages, and Homer is defending the rights of callously handled unions, but because this is the gay marriage episode, it makes it seem like they’re directly connected. Homer even talks about marrying inanimate objects, even things that don’t exist, which is like those stupid arguments that opponents to gay marriage use. It’s all very confusing, it’s feels like the show is in the argument for, but in the most backhanded, negative way possible.

Alright, time for the big reveal: which of our characters is coming out of the closet? Turns out it’s Patty, although this is nothing we already didn’t know (“There goes the last lingering thread of my heterosexuality.”) Patty comes out to her sister, and reveals that she’s marrying a pro golfer named Veronica. So, alright, she was hesitant to come clean to Marge, and for some reason decided to drop that bomb and announce her marriage at the same time, but I’ll be generous and go with that. Clearly she and Veronica must have been together for a long time to want to tie the knot, but here’s the kicker: Marge discovers Veronica is actually a man, exposing her protruding Adam’s apple as proof. I don’t even know what to say. You’re telling me that Patty noticed this? This person that she’s about to marry, in all the time they’d have spent together, even if they never had sex, which they imply they haven’t, that she never ever questioned his gender? It’s just such a bizarre, unnecessary twist, I don’t understand why they would do this. They make like they want to normalize gay marriage, but ultimately just turn it into a gigantic farce. This show isn’t as aggressively offensive as “Three Gays,” but it’s just as awful.

Tidbits and Quotes
– The opening bit with Bart and Milhouse pranking that travel channel guy is so boring. Also Blinky is now a giant Creature from the Black Lagoon type monster now. Or at least a fish just like it.
– The map to star’s homes bit annoys me. The joke markers aren’t funny, then it holds on screen for a while until Homer asks the audience if they’ve read them all, which just annoys me further considering that the jokes weren’t funny enough to warrant holding the frame so we could read them all. It’s like a feedback loop of aggravation.
– It really bothers me that Lisa suggests the town accept gay marriage, and is armed with two supporting reasons (“We can attract a growing segment of the marriage market, and strike a blow for civil rights!”) Lisa is eight. Of course this isn’t a new complaint, but it’s especially bothersome here. At times like this, I think back to “Selma’s Choice” when Lisa was equally as eloquent, suggesting that Selma try artificial insemination, but there it was a joke that such a young girl would know about such a thing (immediately followed by Homer thinking that means having sex with a robot). But nowadays, Lisa has the mentality of a liberal college-bound feminist, so it’s no longer precocious, it’s just annoying.
– Like with “Three Gays,” the show hides behind its claims of acceptance so it can make a bunch of easy gay jokes. Right off the bat at the start of act two we have the Springfield pro-gay commercial, with men skipping toward the town underneath a rainbow, and then two men marrying wearing wedding gowns.
– Homer is completely fueled by cash this episode, but I really don’t understand a lot of the shit he does this show: forgetting what straight marriage is, telling Brockman to call him “Your Holiness,” childishly goading Lovejoy… Then at the end of Smartline, Marge tells her husband she’s proud of him. He flat out admitted he’s only doing this for the money, what exactly is she proud of?
– Was Patty hesitant to reveal that she was gay, and about Veronica, to Selma? To her mother? Did she do it all at once, or much earlier than when she told Marge? You’d think she would have wanted to have this conversation earlier. Why would she hide this long, up until she’s going to get married, to tell Marge she was gay? If my sister waited that long to tell me something like that, I’d be a little hurt by it. Is that why Marge is so upset? (“I just can’t believe my sister would keep me in the dark for all these years, then expect complete acceptance on the day she gets married!”) Perhaps, it’s not exactly explained well.
– Homer’s fantasy of him marrying himself, with two Homers making out with little Homer children running around… I don’t even know what to say, other than that it’s grossly out of character and incredibly disturbing.
– The Veronica reveal is so bonkers on so many levels. Like who are the people sitting on his side of the chapel? They must know that he’s a man, so are they all in on this ruse? Or maybe they’re not, maybe they’re other golfers that he knew from the women’s circuit. But what is this man’s life? Does he have any family or friends, does he lead a double life as a man and a woman? How did he think this marriage would work out, especially considering it wouldn’t take long after their wedding for Patty to discover he has a penis. Did he just think that she would accept it? A hundred questions are whizzing around my head that this show gives no answers to; it’s one of the most ridiculous and stupid things this show has ever done.

(originally aired February 13, 2005)
Because this is a show that truly has its finger on the pulse of pop culture, it’s time for our rap episode. They’re late to the game, so they cover it by Bart spouting out-dated street phrases and get called out on it. So he’s like an ignorant white (or yellow) kid who likes rap because it’s cool. It makes sense, I guess, but it kind of makes him feel pathetic. Beyond the concert and the torturous free-styling (twice by Homer and Marge, then by Bart), the episode really isn’t even about rap, as it’s more of a tired rehash of “Radio Bart” where Bart concocts a lie that riles up the entire town. To escape punishment of sneaking out to go to a concert, Bart sends his parents a ransom note stating he’s been kidnapped, and plans to hide out at Kirk Van Houten’s until the heat dies down. The difference is that Bart’s Timmy O’Toole shenanigan was just an elaborate prank, and of course had many other brilliant layers to it. Here, Bart’s just being selfish, and needlessly worrying his parents, bringing Marge to tears multiple times. It’s kind of uncomfortable to watch.

The other thread coming into play is Wiggum being a competent cop for once and managing to track down Bart, and arresting Kirk as the kidnapper. For solving this one single case, they throw him a big parade and make him commissioner. Kirk, meanwhile, has become a prison dreamboat since all women love bad boys, so it seems that everyone made off well in this, right? But Lisa’s on the trail of discovering the truth, and all involved in the lie have to keep her from it. Yawn. Homer is also randomly involved, because apparently Hollywood producers have paid him for the rights to Bart’s story. What a bizarre throwaway line. We’re just supposed to accept that a big Hollywood producer phoned Homer up and he arranged a deal with them over what ultimately seems like such a nothing premise? Just like this episode! Lisa corners Bart and the others in their lie at some rapper’s house, and everything is resolved by a big house party. By which I mean there’s no resolution, but next week Wiggum will be back to chief again. It’s like “The Great Money Caper” again, where it’s a cop-out ending, but they acknowledge it, so that makes it okay! Except it doesn’t. It just shows that you guys wrote yourselves into a corner and just said fuck it. Great work, guys.

Tidbits and Quotes
– Homer chases Santa’s Little Helper through the doggie door and ends up getting stuck. Patty and Selma are outside for some reason, and take this opportunity to plaster him with make-up… for some reason. The other Simpsons were in the room when this happened, and none of them comment on this or try to help him out. It’s more writing jokes without regarding anyone else in the scene if necessary.
– The show’s biting commentary on rap stars is that they’re super, duper rich and they’re violent. S’about it.
– Bart writes snippets of lyrics down like in 8 Mile, then is able to perform an elaborate off-the-cuff rap defaming Homer on stage in front of hundreds of people. Boy, oh boy. And it doesn’t even sound like something he’d write (“I’ll bust a spit wad up your epidermis!”) I’d compare this to Lisa’s song from “Moaning Lisa,” but there literally is no comparison to make.
– I really feel bad for Kirk. He was always kind of a lame character, but now every joke with him just makes him the saddest, most pathetic man on the planet. It’s just not all that funny.
– Should I comment on Dana Gould playing Barney Fife? …nah.
– More laughing at the misery of others: the end credits deleted scene shows Superintendent Chalmers acting like a rapper, making himself look like a fool, being paid by Alcatraz. He comments he’s doing this because his wife is very sick. Funny? What a callous joke. Then we cut to a wide shot of the party and Homer gleefully jumping into the pool. Then cut to black. What a piece of shit.

(originally aired February 6, 2005)
Sometimes an episode strikes just the right level of batshit crazy that keep me from hating them, like “A Tale of Two Springfields,” to a much lesser extent, “Bart-Mangled Banner,” and now this one. Lots of times the show does ridiculous, insane shit, but still wants to be tethered to some kind of grounded emotional story element, causing it to fail miserably. This episode begins bizarre right off the bat, where we see Homer beat his son at a carnival game, do an elaborate and painfully extended celebratory dance routine, and the crowd around him applauds and cheers him on. It sets you up for this kind of episode perfectly, and is almost bulletproof. Should I complain that Homer is acting out-of-character? Why bother? For brainless maniac Homer, the plot here actually makes some sense. His crazy video goes viral online, leading him to be approached by professional athletes for tips on how to showboat at games so their clips get shown on sports center highlight reels. Ridiculous? Of course. But it’s a good shot at the media semi-intentionally glorifying rowdy behavior, and uses nutjob Homer in a logical fashion: coaching others to be nutjobs.

Where I can bizarrely go with the Homer story, I hate the one running alongside it involving Flanders. Displeased by the state of sacrilegious TV and film, he decides to shoot his own Biblical films, depicting all the violence and gore the Good Book has to offer, eventually getting financial backing from Mr. Burns to make bigger and bloodier pictures. Clearly this is aping off of the success of the extremely graphic Passion of the Christ, and more of Flanders being the show’s outlet for wacko ultra-Christian gags. I don’t think Flanders would approve of the over-the-top violence in Passion, let alone make a film where one of his sons stabs the other to death with obscene amounts of blood. The two stories converge when Homer is called upon to direct the Super Bowl half time show, and with no ideas, he collaborates with Flanders to do a grandiose recreation of the story of Noah’s Ark. Their efforts are all for naught, as the show is universally reviled for being blatantly secular, in an admittedly excellent twist. I found myself going along with a lot in this episode, but there was just as much stuff there that annoyed me as well. But in such an aggressively bland season, this one stands out as somewhat of a good effort. Kinda.

Tidbits and Quotes
– This episode reveals Comic Book Guy’s real name: Jeff Albertson. In an interview, Al Jean said that they did this deliberately to annoy fans, and chose to do it in this episode specifically, which aired after the Super Bowl with a highly inflated number of viewers. It’s great to hear that the writers are intentionally trying to piss off their loyal fans. It really doesn’t matter to me, though. Did they think that hardcore fans would be enraged that they tell us what CBG’s name is? Who gives a shit?
– The joke was kind of labored and dumb, but I like the Donkey Kong bit with Homer throwing trash cans at Mario.
– Rod and Todd ask their father questions about the Bible, that if Cain and Abel were Adam’s only children, how did humanity continue? Flanders disregards them completely. It’s making jokes about analyzing the Bible, and hardcore Christian types side-stepping any and all logical fallacies within… but this is Flanders we’re talking about. He’s an admirable character, one we’re not supposed to harbor any negative feelings toward. Also he’s got Rod using a cardboard knife, but meanwhile his final film features a huge stack of burning animals, realistic blood splatter and part of his face melting off.
– I laughed at Homer using a pathetic crippled kid to garner the football player’s sympathy enough to stomp the opposing team’s mascot into the dirt, who is just a single mother in a costume. It’s so ridiculous in so many ways, I couldn’t be offended by it. Same with all the end zone dances; when you’ve got someone pulling a hibachi from nowhere to grill up the football, or ripping up the astroturf to take a nap (complete with Homer’s clipboard diagram of the play), I just had to go along with the absurdity.
– All the guest stars wear conveniently labeled hoodies so they can be easily identified, and none of them really stand out. It’s just a random assortment of sports stars they cobbled together. The only line of any of theirs I laughed at came from Tom Brady being randomly needy (“You guys think Homer’s mad at me? I waved at him in the parking lot and he stared right through me!”) Between that and his “Give all your love to Tom!” showboat, it makes it seem like Brady has an inferiority complex. It strikes me the days the show would make characters out of its celebrities, instead of just having them show up and be living in the Simpson house for some reason.
– Nice wordplay intro to the sports show (“Tonight on the Jock Center: Clipper and the stripper, a Jones that’s chipper, and did Joe Torre shoot Flipper?”) The drawing of an irritated Torre shooting the dolphin in mid-air is pretty funny.
– Homer watches a history of half time shows, from the very first featuring just one man and his tuba, to the marriage of Mr. and Mrs. Pac-Man, following by them and the ghosts dancing to “Let’s Get Physical.”
– Harry Shearer does Vin Scully at the Super Bowl, getting in some good lines (“This brand new $300 million stadium was completed just one short week ago, and is scheduled for demolition early next month. America’s priorities are a joke! Now here’s the kickoff!” “Don’t stop watching in the second half, points count double!”)
– The Noah’s Ark show is a lot more in-character for Ned then those gore fest movies. I like his modest “Thank you” after he reads the concluding passage. And I honestly love the twist at the end with people being pissed about the religious half time show (“You try to raise your kids as secular humanists but these showbiz types keep shoving religion down our throats!” “Mommy, why wasn’t I baptized?” “You see? You see?”) It’s extremely rare I’d call something in this show to be clever… but I gotta say, it’s pretty clever.

(originally aired January 30, 2005)
Homer spending hours and hours of each day at Moe’s is another one of those show staples that’s really a bummer when you think about it. This man is drinking himself stupid in a dank bar rather than spending time with his family. As a result, we see that Marge really harbors a disdain toward the place, and its proprietor Moe, who is by all accounts a miserable, misanthropic psychopath. This episode posits the idea that these two could have an emotional affair of sorts, which is a mighty big leap for these two personalities. How is the connection made? Well, it’s not, we’re just told that it is, and for latter-day Simpsons, saying something is happening instead of actually developing it logically is good enough. Moe’s is closed following a disastrous health inspection, and a crestfallen Homer offers to foot the cost of re-opening, taking out another mortgage on his house just as he had just paid off the previous one. Marge is incensed when she finds out, and decides to get involved in Moe’s business considering she’s technically co-owner. She and Moe completely renovate the place to be like an old time British pub? Why? I dunno. Where did they get the money for such a lavish renovation? I dunno. Do I care? Nah.

So yeah, the new tavern is a smash. Moe thanks Marge for her help, and that’s basically all the build-up we get out of their new relationship. Now they’re best of buddies (“I used to think of Moe as a scabby, dead-eyed hunchback, but now that I’ve gotten to know him, we’ve kind of bonded.”) I’d really like to know how or why this is, but the show can’t be bothered to explain. The bulk of the second half is focused on Homer’s worry that he’s losing his wife, a conceit that not only feels so tired at this point, but strikes so sour. Between digging himself further in debt after having just escaped it and telling his wife he hates her mother, Homer isn’t exactly very easy to root for. The clock is ticking when Marge and Moe leave for the Tavern and Restaurant Owner’s Convention in Aruba, where Moe intends to make his romantic move. Lisa comments as her mother leaves (“If Hollywood movies have taught us anything, it’s that troubled relationships can be completely patched up by a mad dash to the airport!”) The episode specifically highlights one of the most tired cliches ever… and then does it, and plays it completely straight. Gone are the days when the show would buck convention, now not only do they go by the numbers, they highlight it as if that makes it any better. It doesn’t.

Tidbits and Quotes
– The opening with the family at brunch is pretty empty, and ultimately reminded me of that fucking awful episode I saw last season, “Them, Robot,” which also featured a fancy brunch.
– I think this is the first episode where we see the leprechaun from “Treehouse of Horror XII” in a non-Halloween show, here appearing at Moe’s “funeral.” Somehow he just entered into the regular universe, like all of a sudden this leprechaun is real.
– More lazy, uninspired gay material with the bar “The League of Extra-Horny Gentlemen.” The She-She Lounge, this ain’t.
– I’ve spoken of the tarnishing of Moe’s character, and he’s effectively dead at this point. I didn’t mind them showing a more vulnerable side to him as we’ve seen in “Dumbbell Indemnity” and “Moe Baby Blues,” but they’ve just pushed it way too far, making him the loneliest, saddest man on the planet, a pathetic troll who’s had his number blocked by the suicide hotline and sleeps in a pink bathrobe and curlers. Then they try to keep him an asshole at times and it’s like dealing with two completely different characters. You can’t have your characters change and still stay the same, it doesn’t work that way.
– The writers reveal an awareness to the online fan community by having Homer feign ignorance to Marge to get out of taking care of the kids, identifying himself with a specific moniker (“How many magic beans should I sell the baby for? Three? Duhhh, duhhh, that’s me, Jerkass Homer!”) It feels more insulting that they have seemingly read the complaints, but don’t understand what “Jerkass Homer” means. It’s not Homer being a brain dead idiot, it’s him being an inconsiderate, needlessly reckless asshole. It’s not that hard to discern.
– We get an all-CG DreamWorks parody trailer “Cards,” which mocks the studio’s penchant for pop culture references and stunt casting, i.e.: Jack Nicholson as the jack of diamonds. It’s alright, mostly it’s just neat to see another animation style on the show, but it’s also another instance of pot calling the kettle black; poking at DreamWorks for its lame jokes, empty cultural references and celebrity dick-riding when this show is basically doing much of the same.
– Lenny and Carl pep talk Homer at Itchy & Scratchy Land, which makes no sense given the long cross country trip it took the Simpsons to get there last time. We also get a ghastly joke where Homer inadvertently causes a ride vehicle to crash, potentially killing a young boy’s father.
– Each episode is at least worth one or two chuckles in a silent twenty minutes, but I smirked at Homer’s paranoid mind turning the bird in the cuckoo clock into Moe (“Cuckold! Cuckold!” “What’s a cockold?”)
– This is another episode where the plot just keeps going up until the end and nothing is resolved. What will become of Moe’s now? What about he and Homer’s relationship? Surely it must be strained considering his attempts to steal his wife from him. Nope, the reset button solves everything. This mentality is exemplified perfectly by the end bit involving the Simpson kids inexplicably contending in a hot air balloon race in Paris. Lisa asks if this is alright, to which Bart replies, “Sure, why not!” I imagine the writer’s room is no different (“Hey, let’s do this incredibly stupid and random joke!” “Sure, why not!”)

(originally aired January 16, 2005)
This series has never shied away from dealing with real-world topics, but nowadays, it doesn’t have a clue how to execute them. This episode tries to tackle corporate health plans and rising drug costs, but is utterly, woefully lost. We start at a power plant corporate event at the local air and space museum, where Burns inflates his employees’s spirits high enough for him to announce that he’s cutting their health care plans. The real Burns would have just done it without giving two fucks, forget all of this rigamarole. And it doesn’t work since the employees angrily go after him anyway, and he escapes in a flying machine with Smithers. Okay. So other companies in town follow this trend and soon everyone in Springfield is out of luck acquiring drugs. But Grampa has a solution: sneak drugs across the border of Canada, through his international liaison Johnny, who I guess fought with him in the war, we don’t really get to know his character. We also get to make more Canada jokes, cutting edge satire that they talk slow and love maple syrup.

Apparently everyone in town takes drugs of some kind, even the Simpson children, and not all of it seems to be out of necessity. This over-dependency on medication seems like a topic that would make sense to address, but the show is too busy focused on the town celebrating Homer and Grampa as heroes, as Homer pulls a string of drug balloons out of his throat while Bart downs a handful of pills. One fateful trip, Homer and Grampa are caught at the border in the stupidest way possible, and are out of the drug business. But when Burns finds that Smithers is ill and in grave danger, he beseeches the two for some reason to make one last big score. They take his gigantic plywood plane, which earlier Burns mentioned couldn’t fly more than six feet and caught fire in the rain, but I guess it works now since they’re flying it internationally in a rainstorm. They get the drugs, the plane crash lands conveniently in Springfield, Grampa is about to be arrested but the townspeople stand up for him, so Wiggum just lets him go. A lot of these episodes seem to wrap themselves up via Wiggum just not doing his job. God bless ’em. We close out with a gag involving Homer potentially having a serious medical condition with no healthcare, squashing all the efforts made in the whole episode, and you’ve got… an episode. Just another episode to chuck on the pile.

Tidbits and Quotes
– The air and space museum is boring. A character narrate the situation, with Lisa commenting how Burns acting nice seems suspicious, as if we can’t figure out what’s happening. This is later reiterated with Homer and Marge right before Burns’s speech in case you forgot. Then more weird shit like the guy in the Burns head, Moe inexplicably bartending this corporate event, and Agnes Skinner being a wing walker in her youth, even though she has no lines. I’m sure that had to be a cut. I’m also sure it wasn’t funny.
– Not only does Burns go through all these theatrics to appease his workers regarding healthcare, he seems to give a shit about office affairs, I guess because they couldn’t think of a joke to end the act on. Not to mention “Next stop: Pirate Island!” Huh?
– All these episodes are running together at this point, but this one seemed to have something annoying in every scene: Homer randomly suggesting he be on Friends as an Irishman, Krusty needing kids to send him drugs, even though surely he can afford them, the long pharmacy tape which just turns into animating a Huey Lewis music video, the way-too-blunt manner the nurse addresses the elderly (“Your pills have become very expensive, and no one gives a rat’s ass about you…”) Perhaps the worst case is Homer using a belt sander to erase his fingerprints as the family and Abe are all in the room. Why does no one react to this? Because it’s just a single shot of Homer, and in the show’s mind, that’s all who’s there. It’s another modern Simpsons staple of forgetting about or ignoring characters in the scene who are not in the shot.
– Apu and Flanders come along with Homer to Canada for some reason. Why couldn’t they just tell Homer what they need and have him get it for them? But anyway, the two bicker about their religions, because Flanders is now childish and petty regarding this issue (“Save me, Shiva!” “Why don’t you just call out for Hawkman?”) Then we get how they get caught, which is one of the most insulting things the show has ever done. On the way back home, Flanders offers Apu some coffee. He takes a sip and finds it’s incredibly hot, burning his tongue and causing him to make undulating cries, which sound vaguely kinda Arabic. Like in the same way that “Derka derka Mohammad jihad” in Team America does, except not even in the same league humor-wise. Flanders offers to cool him off by wrapping a wet towel around his head, which he just so happened to have. So yeah, it looks like a turban, and border patrol now thinks Apu is a terrorist. I get it, they want it to be satire on American racists that they immediately jump on him (“Stop him! He’s expressing his faith!”) But it really does still feel kind of racist in and of itself. Plus it makes no sense, why the fuck would Flanders put the towel on his head like that? Then I think back to his earlier bitching with Apu, and I think maybe he did it on purpose? I have no clue, all I know is that the scene is some ol’ bullshit.
– Another Canada joke: they speak French there! Homer and company get their rights told to them in two languages, even though why would they do that considering they’re English-speaking Americans.
– If not being able to handle the healthcare material wasn’t enough, we get a gag about the fallacies of the death penalty, as in repayment for his help, Johnny asks if he can come see a mentally challenged man get put to death (“In America, we do it four times a week!”) So, is he a sick fuck? Why would he want to see that? It’s just a really bizarre scene in an episode full of ’em.
– The only thing I laughed at was at the end: Sideshow Mel can taste a Krusty-brand milkshake thanks to lactose intolerance pills (“Terrible!”) The read is great, as it always is with Mel, and it’s a nice callback to such a minor character trait.
– Seeing Smithers groan in pleasure when he awakes to find Burns kissing him is kind of uncomfortable. As I’ve already talked about, Smithers loves Burns because he’s the ultimate sycophant, he worships the ground his boss walks on. It’s much different to me than he’s actually in romantic love with his boss, which if that’s the case, I again say they should just have him come out of the closet already. It’s all in the way that it’s handled, and this Sleeping Beauty shit is weird and creepy.