(originally aired April 14, 1994)
Re-watching these old episodes has really ignited my love of Mr. Burns. He’s one of the show’s all-time greatest characters, so engaging and entertaining in pretty much every scene he’s in. I feel like I’m repeating myself, but regardless, some of the best Burns material comes from when we see a more human side to him, where the man with more money than God must face his own mortality. It was the subject of Marge’s famous painting, he sought happiness from his childhood with his bear Bobo, and now a near-death experience shocks Burns into pondering on his legacy when he’s gone. We see him as a withered old man who has ostracized nearly everybody, left to toil in his vast, empty mansion, but the question is, is he happy with this? Or does he long for something more? Both theories are tossed out in this very episode, and perhaps it’s a little of both. It’s nice that the show can allow you to theorize and not spoon-feed character emotions to you, or if they did, have the common decency to mock them.

The hefty weight of a sponge causes Burns to sink in the bathtub, causing his life to flash before his eyes, itself an incredible montage. I think the life of C. Montgomery Burns would make a fascinating mini-series, they should have done more stuff like this. Anyway, Burns sets up a casting call for the children of Springfield to try and find an heir, but no one wins him over, until a rejected Bart wreaks havoc upon his estate, exhibiting just the kind of feisty attitude Burns is looking for. The old man has the Simpson family sign the contracts, and then muses about spending his remaining years in solitude. This guilt trip leads Bart to make extended visits to Burns Manor, where he revels in the freedom to do as he pleases. We later find that Burns planned for the boy to live with him so he could mold him in his image to take his place after death. Despite this, I do like to think his cock-and-bull confession earlier had some nugget of truth in it. Burns seems to genuinely enjoy Bart’s company, basically admitting he’s the son he wishes he’d had. His motives are self-serving and his goal dastardly, but you still feel for the guy.

Bart’s role in the story is engaging too, as he finds he must choose between a life of no restrictions and anything his heart desires, and his loving, biological family. Burns pulls psychological tricks to make the boy stay, culminating in hiring stage actors to portray the family bad-mouthing him. Despite the comically poor performances, Bart is convinced, and his slow declaration of his allegiance to Burns is a little wrenching. The end, though, feels a little too much, with Bart being forced to fire Homer to curry Burns’s favor. I can’t pinpoint why exactly; perhaps it’s a bit too predictable way to get Bart back on his family’s side. But with all the great stuff leading up to it, and the hilarious denouement featuring Hans Moleman, it could have been the most contrived ending in the world and still the episode would be worth it.

Tidbits and Quotes
– Classic smash cut with Homer positing the rich must be suffering as much as he, then cut to Burns with top hat having a bath in his lush estate, and if that weren’t enough, eating a bad of “extra fancy” potato chips.
– Again, I’d love to see flashback episodes featuring Burns. I always thought that later day Simpsons could be made interesting again by focusing a fair amount of episodes on side characters, exploring more of their lives and own foibles. Instead, most of these characters became disposable, who’d show up for the sake of a joke and disappear. Ah well.
– Burns muses over never fathering an heir thanks to his hectic schedule and lethargic sperm. I like that even the complete Burns-sexual Smithers is disturbed at Burns’s plan that he will be buried alive with him.
– Wonderful THX movie parody, culminating in a man’s head exploding, and Grampa still not hearing it. The clip was later used by THX in theaters. Then comes Mr. Burns’s ad (“I’m looking for a suitable young male heir to leave my fortune to when I pass away. My vast, vast, vast fortune. Vast”) ending with him begrudgingly kicking off “Let’s All Go to the Lobby.”
– We get great moment with the kids of Springfield at the audition: Milhouse has nothing to offer Burns but his love (“I specifically said no geeks!”) Nelson threatens violence (which Burns likes), and later pummels a showtune-singing Martin (Burns also likes), and Lisa posits the idea Burns’s heir need not be a boy (“I don’t know what phallocentric means, but no girls!”)
– Great dream sequence by Marge of Bart graduating from Harvard (the most expensive, and therefore the best school.) Lee Majors randomly shows up to take Marge away, leaping into the air with bionic sound effects. Snapping back, Marge promises herself to stop dreaming about Lee Majors… after this next one. We hear the bionic sound again as she goes out of it.
– Astute fans will have noted that this blog’s title comes from this show, as Bart fumbles through the poorly written cue cards his father gave him (“Hello, Mr. Kurns. I bad want… money now. Me sick”), Homer comments, “Oooh, he card read good.” Also, great finale of Burns slowly activating the boot to kick Bart, his quiet satisfaction after doing it, and Homer’s uproarious response (“The boot kicked Bart! It kicked him right in the butt!”) And finally, some very important parental advice from Homer (“You tried your best, and you failed miserably. The lesson is: never try.”)
– Great bit from Krusty: being paid to deliver pizza to Bart, he admits he’s playing a rerun in place of a live show. Of course of all the years of tape, he picks the one where he abruptly stops the show after hearing the Falkland Islands have been invaded.
– I do enjoy Bart being a brat at the dinner table, and Homer’s ineffective means of stopping it (“Lisa, stop getting in the way of your wealthy brother’s peas.”) But he draws the line of feeding meatloaf to Santa’s Little Helper (“That was the end piece! That’s it, being abusive to your family is one thing, but I will not stand idly by and watch you feed a hungry dog!”)
– Homer drives to Burns Manor, running over Bart’s bike, to get back his son, and is incensed at Burns telling him to leave (“Or what? You’ll release the dogs, or the bees, or the dogs with bees in their mouths and when they bark they shoot bees at you? Well, go ahead, do your worst!”) At this point my brain automatically goes to the deleted scene from “The 138th Episode Spectacular” featuring the robotic Richard Simmons, but here, Burns just locks the door. Homer is dumbfounded.
– The animation of Bart’s wild joyride is fantastic; you can feel the motion and energy even from Bart’s POV of all the objects hitting his front windshield. Spectacular direction.
– Bart watches the phony Simpsons weakly reading their lines, but their cover is almost blown when fake Homer utters “B’oh!” I love the pacing that Burns slowly walks out of the room and into the covert set to yell at his actors. Also, it seems he’s hired Michael Caine to play Homer, who is very frustrating over the direction (“Sorry, M.B., but I’m having trouble with this character. Is he supposed to have some kind of neurological impairment, like Rain Man, or Awakenings? I mean, what the hell am I doing here?!”)
– I love Homer’s enthusiasm about kissing Moleman (“It’s like kissing a peanut!”) and the final line from Marge (“Homer, I want that thing out of my house.”)

(originally aired March 31, 1994)
There have been a handful of episodes this season that have showcased rather flimsy, meandering plot lines. However, laughter can excuse almost anything, and if the episode is funny enough, it usually gets a pass, and can become pretty memorable based on a particularly outstanding joke or two alone. “Bart Gets An Elephant” has probably the loosest premise of any episode so far, and isn’t really the funniest of this season, but damn I still loved it anyway. It’s also pretty memorable despite being so ridiculous; what super fan could forget about Stampy? Stupidity aside, this show does have its share of brilliant moments, and some nice character stuff with Bart, caring for his pet elephant and calling for it like Lassie. As dumb as this episode can get, there’s still an emotional core buried in there somewhere.

We open with an unrelated tangent of Marge forcing the family to do a little spring cleaning around the house. We get a few funny bits here, with Homer treasuring decades-old newspapers and TV Guides and Bart mindlessly erasing a Grant Wood original out of boredom. It also has a great final scene, where two seconds after the house is spotless, it becomes messy again, basically negating the four minutes we’ve just watched. The “plot” kicks in when Bart is the call-in winner for a KBBL radio contest, but rather than take the cash prize, he is adamant on receiving the gag gift: an African elephant. And in the end, that’s what Bart gets; act one ends with an elephant being left on the Simpson lawn. Never mind how those radio numbskulls got their hands on one. I like to think that they stole it from a zoo or an animal sanctuary. From this point, the show becomes a cross between “Lisa’s Pony” in the family must deal with the financial hardship of such an extravagant animal, and the beginning of “Bart’s Inner Child” where Homer starts a home-based racket charging people money to see and ride the elephant.

I hate that I brought up “Lisa’s Pony” just then, because this just isn’t that caliber of episode. Bart cares for Stampy, but nowhere near the wish fulfillment that Princess was to Lisa. But again, this episode is about the laughs. Homer is set on selling Stampy to an ivory dealer (who according to his logic is less likely to harm the elephant compared to someone whose ivory supplies are low). Bart intends to run away with his pet, but Stampy goes on a rampage and ends up missing. The Simpsons end up at the Springfield Tar Pits, and after the elephant saves him from sinking, Homer has a (begrudging) change of heart and gives the animal to a local wildlife preserve. By act three, everything felt very by-the-numbers, like of course Stampy was going to end up at the reserve, and was going to save Homer to get him to change his mind. But even with the pieced-together plot, there are still enough laughs and memorable moments to retain this one’s classic status. Kudos to you, Stampy.

Tidbits and Quotes
– A great line reading on Homer’s confused “D’oh?” when no one fights him on calling dibs to clean the basement. Seeing the horrendous shape the cellar is in, he sees why.
– Nice appearance by President Clinton, playing sax in the Little White Girls Blues Quartet. Moe drives by and yells at him to get back to work. An unbothered Clinton responds, “Make me!”
– I love how sloooow Homer is to process that Bart chooses the elephant over ten thousand dollars; when he finally gets it, he freaks out (“With $10,000, we’d be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like… love!”) Marge recommends double-ply windows, which no one else cares for. Lisa puts in her two cents regarding cruelty to animals, to which Homer shuts her down quick and tells her to go to her room.
– I don’t think this is the first time we’ve seen Bill and Marty, but it’s probably the longest we’ve ever seen them on screen, before or since this. They’re exposed as two chuckle head morons who have to make good with their boss or lose their job. Their attempt to win Bart over by using the money to bribe Skinner to spend a year with his pants at his ankles doesn’t work, so they up the ante by offering to surgically alter him into a bizarre lobster creature (Skinner is not on board: “Now, wait just a minute, that wasn’t discussed with me!”) The final straw is when their boss threatens them with their potential replacement: the DJ 3000, which can play records and dispense inane banter (Bill is impressed. Marty murmurs aside, “Don’t praise the machine.”)
– I like how reckless and destructive Stampy is; they didn’t pull any punches in making him a real animal, unable to comprehend anything that is said to him, at least up until the end. Kind of.
– A really cute bit with Homer noticing a bird perched on Stampy grooming him, then getting a bird of his own (“Mmmm… elephant fresh.”)
– Great running gag of Santa’s Little Helper and Snowball II desperately trying to impress the family, leading up to the dog actually speaking. That “Weee… looovee… yooouu” is the stuff of nightmares.
– More great thick-headed Homer: in the midst of discussing money woes, gawking kids come to the door offering to pay money to see the elephant (“For the ninth time, no!”) That gives him an idea: posting a “Go Away” sign on the lawn. Bart offers up his own sign, charging money to see and ride the elephant, to which Homer says, “I don’t have time to read it. Just give me the gist of it, son.”
– Classic first appearance by Cletus the slack-jawed yokel (“Hey, maw! Look at that pointy-hairded little girl!”)
– Absolutely timeless gag with Stampy marching through the Republican Convention (“We want what’s worst for everyone,” “We’re just plain evil”) and the Democratic Convention (“We hate life and ourselves,” “We can’t govern.”) It’s really not much far off now almost twenty years later.
– I like the pacing of Homer’s plan of escaping the tar pit (“I’m pretty sure I can struggle my way out. First I’ll just reach in and pull my legs out, now I’ll pull my arms out with my face.”) Stampy goes to save him, first pulling out Barney, who thanks the elephant by name somehow, then proceeds to light a cigarette and engulf himself in flames. Seeing how stringent this show is about continuity, I expect next episode to start with Barney’s funeral.

(originally aired March 17, 1994)
As I’ve noted before, Homer’s rampant animosity toward Ned Flanders is really out of jealousy; deep down, he wishes he could be as well-off, loving and together as the Flanders family. Because of this petty reasoning, it doesn’t seem too far off that Homer could come to really enjoy Ned’s company and forge a nice friendship if he wanted to… and that’s what happens in this episode. But when that happens, it’s almost like the fabric of the series starts to unravel. Homer befriending Flanders should not be, so it drives Ned, the calmest man in the universe, to hate, becoming increasingly more frustrated as the episode continues. Homer’s friendship is a lot more dangerous than his mild antagonism, it seems. The role-reversal between both characters feels very genuine, and the ending is one of the sweetest of the series, leaving us with a fun, wacky episode.

Homer’s after tickets for the biggest football game of the year, but his only option is to take up Ned’s offer to go with him. He’s hostile at first, but numerous kind gestures later, including getting the game ball, Homer is completely bowled over by his friendly neighbor-eeno. This is your classic about-face from Homer: he’s a man of impulse, and whatever feeling he has, he goes with it in full force. Now he’s Ned’s best friend in the whole world, and he wants everyone to know it: his family, co-worker, the barflies, strangers, everybody. At first, Ned is pleased by Homer’s change-of-heart. But then again, he’s pleased by his irrational hatred of him as well. It’s never quite clear if he even registers Homer’s assholery, I’m still not sure whether he’s just oblivious or very forgiving. But either way, Ned grows uncomfortable that Homer wedges his way into his life, bothering him while volunteering at the homeless shelter (then usurping the credit), and later, a Simpson-Flanders family picnic goes horribly, horribly wrong. Ned wakes in a cold sweat with a shocking revelation: he’s developed a strange new emotion: hatred… for Homer Simpson.

The third act is all about Ned’s downward spiral, trying to avoid Homer at all costs. However, there are some costs, like using little white lies in front of his kids, which they don’t care for (“Lies make baby Jesus cry.”) Following an amazing chase sequence out of Terminator 2 with Homer as a wall-eyed T-1000, Ned is pulled over for speeding and given a sobriety test, and then of course the gossipy church bus group passes by. This series is great at these emotional turns where they just pile stuff on the characters to speed up whatever they’re supposed to be feeling. Now Ned is ostracized from the entire church (save Homer, of course) as Lovejoy is about to give his opening sermon, “What Ned Did.” One final irritant from Homer sets Ned off (“Can’t you see this man isn’t a hero, he’s annoying! He’s very very annoying!!”) But Homer comes to Ned’s defense with a heartfelt, passionate, true-to-character speech, one of the best monologues of the series, which calms down the mob and wins back Ned’s friendship. And then of course one week later, things are back to normal. That’s the way things are with the status quo.

Tidbits and Quotes
– Homer’s quest for tickets to the game is littered with great bits: the TV warning about tickets not being taken internally (“See? Because of me, now they have a warning,”) Bart selling his father bogus tickets for fifty bucks (I love his slow turn to anger as he reads off the entire coupon, then snap back to the very disturbing dream of Homer imagining himself imitating his wife with a Marge wig), the scalper buying every single ticket with only a $10 deposit, and Homer’s lamentation about Ned winning the radio contest’s tickets courtesy of Eddie Money’s “Two Tickets to Paradise.”
– I love Lisa’s summarizing of the never-ending rivalry between Springfield and Shelbyville (“They built a mini-mall, so we built a bigger mini-mall. They made the world’s largest pizza, so we burnt down their city hall.”)
– For the change-of-heart to truly work, Homer is ramped up high here with his hatred of Flanders, first apparently going to smack him unconscious with a lead pipe, then later making him duck down whilst driving so he wouldn’t be seen with Homer by Lenny and Carl (“Look, Homer’s got one of those robot cars!”) The car proceeds to crash off-screen, and Carl adds on, “One of those American robot cars.”
– I love that Burns, who of course owns the Springfield Atoms, was vindictive enough to cripple Milhouse to properly motivate his team to win (“I hope they win, or Mr. Burns said he’s coming back.”)
– Classic bit with Homer’s nacho hat, with him singing an alternate version of “Macho Man.”
– Great bit with footballer Stan “The Boy” Taylor talking about how Ned saved him (“I used to party all night and sleep with lingerie models until Ned and his bible group showed me that I could have more.”) Homer muses, “Professional athletes, always wantin’ more.” I also like his cooing over the game ball (“Now I have four children. You will be called ‘Stitchface.'”) And of course, fantastic act break joke when Homer drives by Lenny and Carl again, this time proudly announcing his friendship with Ned (“What did he say?” “I dunno, something about being gay.”)
– The religious talking animal cartoon teaching about envy is hilarious. Todd is not as won over (“It’s all well and good for sheep, but what are we to do?”)
– Ned gives a great pre-meal prayer (“Bless the grocer for this wonderful meat, the middlemen who jacked up the price, and let’s not forget the humane but determined boys over at the slaughterhouse.”) I also love Homer’s dainty bites as he picks apart Ned’s turkey.
– Classic bit with the Rappin’ Ronnie Reagan tape (“You know something? He did say ‘well’ a lot!”)
– The family picnic has a lot of great bits too, but my favorite is probably Bart being a drug pusher on Rod and Todd with pixie sticks, which the boys go mad over. One part that irks me a bit is Marge and Lisa contributing to the food fight. I get the parallel they were making, but it didn’t seem to fit. I also love Ned’s excuse for leaving, “Todd’s got Zesty Italian in his eye.”
– Ned’s dream is wonderfully animated, and pretty damn chilling. I almost wish they didn’t dampen with the tone with the comical crazy postman.
– Homer appearing and disappearing through the hedge is another great bit of animation, as well as the chase, as I’ve mentioned.
– I love Wiggum playing up Ned’s altered state for the passing church bus as he arrests him (“High as a kite, everybody! Goofballs!”)
– The final straw that sets Ned off is genius: it’s so minor, but just a microcosm of Homer’s annoyance. During a silent prayer, Homer breathes through his nose, which makes an increasingly noisy whistling noise, but I think the volume of it raising is all in Ned’s head, chipping away at him until he finally cracks.
– Homer’s speech defending Ned is beautiful, so I will just reprint it in full (“How dare you talk about Ned Flanders like that. He’s a wonderful, kind, caring man… maybe even more so than me. There have been times when I lost patience with him, even lashed out at him, but this man has turned every cheek on his body. If everyone here were like Ned Flanders, there’d be no need for heaven: we’d already be there.”) I also love after Lovejoy admits they were wrong, Lenny shouts out, “Hey, that guy’s right!” Referring to the Reverend as “that guy” seems very Lenny. Don’t know how much sense that makes.

(originally aired February 24, 1994)
There’s no denying that this show has gotten much more absurd and unrealistic as the years have gone on. So that’s why it’s strange that one of the most ridiculous episodes, premise-wise, is right here in season 5. A lot of shit has gone down in later years, but here, Homer goes into space. Into fucking space. This is like Saturday morning cartoon fodder. But the genius of a show like this is that even with the most outlandish plot in the world, not only do they make it believable with a sharp lead-in to the premise, but keep it funny and even inject some real drive and emotion into it. There’s no way an episode like this should operate on any level besides goofy, but goddamn do they manage to make it feel more than that.

A real dilemma is being discussed down at NASA: the Nielsen ratings for their shuttle launches are way low. Right away, I’m on board this premise, the idea that the government will only spend its money on something the general public will be eating up with a spoon. They need to better connect with the everyman, who, according to their prime time TV research, appear to be unkempt, lazy slobs. Thankfully, unkempt, lazy slob Homer Simpson calls in, giving NASA their latest astronaut. Before all this, we set groundwork for the driving force of our story: Homer wanting respect after losing a “worker of the week” award to an inanimate carbon rod and being generally mocked by his family. This element is crucial, as it really gives Homer a reason to do what he does to actually get some respect, especially when it’s basically spelled out to him when NASA officials approach Barney about the position. The middle portion of the episode is Homer vs. Barney, who, without alcohol, reverts to his athletic genius state as we’ve seen in “Mr. Plow.” But non-alcoholic champagne does him in at the end, and Homer is made NASA’s first average-naut.

Homer is to be sent up with two seasoned astronauts, one guest star Buzz Aldrin, who delivers maybe the greatest line a guest star has ever said (“Second comes right after first!”) Again, this adds more credibility to the story: this is purely a publicity stunt by NASA, they’re not going to really have Homer do anything, he’s just along for the ride as the professionals do their jobs. Plus, their mission is just as exaggeratedly asinine, seeing if ants can sort tiny screws in space. There’s a really touching moment where Homer freaks out pre-launch and calls Marge from a pay phone with his second thoughts. Then comedy is flawlessly blended in when Homer relates not going into space like the time he missed out on seeing Mr. T at the mall. Not often a show can make you laugh and tear up a bit at something so stupid. The mission ends up botched, but they make it back to Earth unharmed (Grampa has a fabulous commenting line, “Of course he’ll make it, it’s TV!”) and all credit goes to the hero: an inanimate carbon rod, to which they throw a massive ticker tape parade for. A ridiculous end to a ridiculous show, but truly one of the all-time greats.

Tidbits and Quotes
– I love how proud Homer is that he’s basically going to win the worker-of-the-week award by default, citing union rule 26 (“Every employee must win ‘Worker of the Week’ at least once, regardless of gross incompetence, obesity, or rank odor.”) It almost sets up later Homer’s excitement for being chosen over Barney by default. Also wonderful is Homer’s anger toward the rod (“Inanimate, huh? I’ll show you inanimate!!”) and he strikes a furious pose, and holds it. For a while, as his long shadow casts across the ground. Hilarious.
– Great parodies of Home Improvement (“Oh no, I’ve killed Wilson! Looks like it’s back to jail for me”) and Married… with Children (toilet flush, right by the couch, followed by raucous laughter and applause). To find their next astronaut, a NASA assistant proposes “a lengthy, inefficient search. At the taxpayers’ expense, of course.” Thankfully Homer immediately calls in (“I’m just an ordinary, blue-collar slob, but I know what I likes on TV!”) A toilet flush over the phone seals the deal.
– I love how petty Homer gets in trying to discredit Barney to beat him: talking aside to one of the aides (“He’s got a big drinking problem; could embarrass the program. Meet me up in that tree later and I’ll tell you more”) and later showing up for his first day on time (“I don’t see Barney ‘Let’s crash the rocket into the White House and kill the President’ Gumble!”)
– The endurance tests are great, with Homer morphing into Popeye in the centrifuge (“I can’t stands no more!”) and drinking the liquid inside the blowing test (“Mmmm… medicine-y.”)
– The head scientist is pretty blunt in announcing who’s getting picked (“Gentlemen, you’ve both worked very hard. And in a way, you’re both winners. But in another more accurate way, Barney is the winner.”) They propose a toast (big mistake) and Barney immediately reverts back to a drunkard (“It begins!!”) He hijacks a jetpack, which runs out of gas, and he painfully skids on the roof of a pillow factory, then is run over by a truck of marshmallows.
– Really great space-themed Itchy & Scratchy (especially Itchy slicing Scratchy’s body in half with the rings of Saturn, and his torso burning in the atmosphere), which the kids find hilarious, but freaks Homer the fuck out.
– I like the shuttle payload checklist, including an IRS surveillance satellite and children’s letters to God.
– Of course, one of the series’s greatest scenes, Homer eating chips in zero gravity to the Blue Danube Waltz. I don’t even need to comment, the scene speaks for itself.
– We’ve got not one, but two great guest stars here, with James Taylor sending the crew soft melodies from Mission Control. Every bit with him is great: his irrational anger toward the distressed crew (“I’m not as laid back as people think. Now here’s the deal: I’m going to play, and you’re going to float there and like it,”) backpedaling the lyrics to “Fire and Rain” realizing they might not be appropriate, then coming up with the idea that saves the day, but when things go wrong, he books it the hell out of there, leaving his guitar behind.
– Another classic bit with Brockman, when he sees the shuttle footage with an ant hovering close near the camera, he quickly jumps to conclusions with his sharp journalism. Again, this speaks for itself (“The Corvair spacecraft has been taken over, conquered if you will, by a master race of giant space ants. It’s difficult to tell from this vantage point whether they will consume the captive earth men or merely enslave them. One thing is for certain, there is no stopping them; the ants will soon be here. And I, for one, welcome our new insect overlords. I’d like to remind them that as a trusted TV personality, I can be helpful in rounding up others to toil in their underground sugar caves.”) Then, later, he must cover over his faux pas (“Well, this reporter was… possibly a little hasty earlier and would like to… reaffirm his allegiance to this country and its human president. May not be perfect, but it’s still the best government we have. For now.”)
– As if “Second comes right after first” wasn’t enough, they got Buzz Aldrin to say, “Make hatch blow now!” What a good sport. Then again he was just in Transformers: Dark of the Moon. [shudder]
– Upon the dangerous re-entry, Buzz and Race hum “Battle Hymn of the Republic.” Homer sings the commercial jingle to Golden Grahams. The ship crash lands in the worst possible spot: a news reporter convention.
– Great final line from Homer, after receiving kudos from his family (“Maybe I do have the right… what’s that stuff?”)

(originally aired February 17, 1994)
I think with Lisa episodes, you really need a B-plot; most of her stories are emotional, moralistic endeavors, and 22-minutes of that would feel… I dunno, rather un-Simpsons-y. So to balance this episode’s satire of crass commercialism and sexism, we have a bunch of Grampa being a silly old person. Our set-up is Abe realizing he’s not long for this world, so he decides to gives away his prized possessions to the Simpson family, who then go off to the mall to spend the valuables. Abe tags along, and complains and rambles the whole way. It’s there that Lisa buys the new talking Malibu Stacy doll, whose catalog of phrases includes “Let’s bake some cookies for the boys!” and “Thinking too much gives you wrinkles!” I’ve not much knowledge over the history of Barbie, but I’m aware of the various watchdog groups that have attacked the doll’s persona for providing a negative role model to young girls. Afterwards, they gave Barbie more proactive job titles, and later divorced Ken, ’cause she don’t need no man to make it in the world. That was a news article on CNN, I believe. The point is that this is a spectacular exaggeration of the pop culture icon, and Lisa crusades to put a stop to this reductive depiction of women.

When a trip to the Malibu Stacy factory (or rather, the PetroChem Petrochemical Corporation) proves fruitless, Lisa pays a visit to the recluse creator of the doll Stacy Lovell (voiced by the great Kathleen Turner), a defeated drunkard who has holed herself up in a replica of the Stacy Dream House, only to have Lisa reignite the fire within her and agree to take action. They set to work on making a new doll, one which will be more empowering for little girls, with phrases like “When I grow up, I’m keeping my own name!” The conclusion to the story is extraordinary: to combat the release of Lisa’s doll, Malibu Stacy is given a re-release, but with a new hat. The swarm of girls (and Smithers) are instinctively bowled over, buying the updated doll en mass. It’s a pitch perfect take on so many things, from useless toy variants to the commercial illusion of something being new and improved. So we don’t feel too bad for Lisa, a silver lining is drawn as she witnesses one little girl, smiling with Lisa’s doll in her hands. Not so bad after all.

Back to the Grampa plot: he tries to make an effort to not be a useless old person and get a job. He ends up at Krusty Burger, I guess a reference to how back in the 90s, McDonald’s was making a point to hire up the elderly. It doesn’t feel like this plot had much energy in it, it’s mainly just an endless parade of old jokes at Abe’s expense, which are funny when utilized once in a while, but not for an entire subplot. They tried to tie it into Lisa’s story in the middle when the two are musing that no one will listen to them being too young and too old, which leads to Homer briskly walking in, delivering a classic line: “I’m a white male, age 18 to 49.  Everyone listens to me, no matter how dumb my suggestions are!” (he proceeds to take out from the cabinet a can of Nuts & Gum “Together at last!”) While some of the Grampa scenes are funny (“This sandwich just took a bite out of me!”), it didn’t really amount to much. I think it would have been better if after the Simpson family leaves Grampa rambling to himself in the car, he’s gone from the episode, like his usefulness has run out and that’s the joke. But hey, what do I know? I don’t make ’em, I just watch ’em.

Tidbits and Quotes
– I like how Grampa’s ramblings start as long winded stories, then toward the end, he just starts making disjointed annoyed remarks and quips (“I’m thirsty! Ew, what smells like mustard? There’re sure a lot of ugly people in your neighborhood. Oh! Look at that one. Ow, my glaucoma just got worse! The president is a Demmycrat!”)
– The ultra-violent Sergeant Thug’s Mountaintop Command Post play set apparently utilizes actually explosive technology. Bart launches a missile out the window and an explosion is seen in the distance.
– I love Lisa’s furious breathless rant about her new doll to an unreceptive Bart (“Millions of girls will grow up thinking that this is the right way to act, that they can never be more than vacuous ninnies whose only goal is to look pretty, land a rich husband, and spend all day on the phone with their equally vacuous friends talking about how damn terrific it is to look pretty and have a rich husband!!”) Also, great direction on the camera turn as she furiously throws the doll out the window.
– Classic bit with the one girl’s doll’s defective voicebox (“My Spidey senses are tingling! Anyone call for a web slinger?”)
– There’s some subtle character stuff here with Marge, who seems to be torn with supporting her daughter and her internal belief to not cause a fuss (“Lisa, ordinarily I’d say you should stand up for what you believe in. But you’ve been doing that an awful lot lately.”) She’s stopped in her tracks when one of her Stepford Wife-esque phrases is revealed to be one of Stacy’s (“Now let’s forget our troubles with a big bowl of strawberry ice cream!”)
– The Malibu Stacy tour is filled with great bits: the beyond disgruntled assembly line workers, the origins of the doll initially being made of dried onion meal, the reveal that Smithers owns the largest collection in the world (which of course raises further questions), and the blatant, acceptable sexist environment of the company (“Don’t act like you don’t like it!”) Also nice animation bit with the tour guide closing the door with her ass.
– Speaking of questions, we get more disturbing stuff from Smithers’s with the classic Burns screensaver (“Hello. Smithers. You’re. Quite. Good. At. Turning. Me. On.”) How much time must that have taken to splice together?
– I love Stacy Lovell, who appears to have mirrored the life of her doll, with her dream house mansion and ex-husbands such as Ken and G.I. Joe, who shows up later (“I must have you back. Just come for a ride with me in my Mobile Command Unit.”) Also her revelation of being forced out of the company in the 70s (“They said my way of thinking just wasn’t cost effective. Well, that, and… I was funneling profits to the Viet Cong.”) And the great scene where she claims she’s too drunk to do anything, and continues sipping her drink.
– There’s some great self-deprecating lines in here as well, from Lisa (“I’d be mortified if someone ever made a lousy product with the Simpson name on it”) and Ms. Lovell admitting the Simpson family has hideous hair… from a design point of view.
– The greatest bit in the episode is Krusty’s in-and-out recording session. Each part of it is brilliant: his golf outfit, his cavalier, all-business attitude, his lifeless read, and inability to remember his sidekick’s name (“Hey, here comes Slideshow Mel! Again, here comes Sideshow Mel!”) And the kicker where Krusty hauls ass out of there before the technician has even put in the reel.
– I like how Kent Brockman’s daughter basically has the exact same hair as him, as well as the fact that she apparently convinced him to report on the Berlin Wall.