Original airdate: March 21, 2010

The premise: When the school’s two fourth grade classes are joined, Bart meets Nikki, a spunky fellow skateboarder he develops a crush on. When he kisses her, she freaks out, causing her litigious parents to come down on the school, which institutes a strict “no touching” policy. Meanwhile, Lisa feels discouraged for being mocked for her overachieving nature, which is resolved from a random appearance by First Lady Michelle Obama.

The reaction: Another thin, confusing outing. It’s another Bart-gets-a-celebrity-girlfriend episode, but this one doesn’t seem to even want to bother to try. Sarah Silverman voices Nikki, who goes back and forth whether she likes Bart or not, for no other reason or joke other than them girls be craaaazzzy! As with other girls in the past, we barely know anything about her character, and once again we get twenty minutes of confused, whiny Bart, which seems to be a favorite of this season. As barebones as this feels, we get a B “plot,” which is really only three scenes. Lisa gets an “F” and is discouraged. Then she’s on the playground and kids inexplicably think she’s cool because of her failing grade, but it snaps right back to resentment when Miss Hoover confirms she actually did get an A. Then Michelle Obama appears for a three minute scene to give a speech about treating smart kids nicely with no jokes in it. At one time, the Simpsons were an unfortunate lot of losers. Things would never quite go their way, but they would always find a way to make peace with their lot in life and find some form of happiness. Now, if Lisa’s feeling down, the fucking First Lady appears out of nowhere to cheer her up! Lady Gaga too! Christ.

Three items of note:
– Both plots are so very short on content, we get three fucking montages. We see Bart and Nikki skateboard in an elaborate fashion, which I guess is them bonding? Or something? Then we see another extending Itchy & Scratchy, this time “parodying” Koyannisquatsi. Itchy & Scratchy shorts are meant to be short, just these ridiculously violent bursts of energy, but if they are long, they better have a damn good payoff. Between this and the House “parody” from last episode, it’s clear it’s nothing but filler. But the most egregious example, the most pointless montage in the show’s history, is at the end. Nikki gives Bart mouth-to-mouth, and we’re treated to Simpson-ized recreations of famous kisses in movie history. From Here to Eternity. Lady and the Tramp. Spider-Man. WALL-E. There’s no jokes here, they just animated these sequences, except for the Xenomorph alien tongue kissing the girl’s cheek, which is ripped from The Critic. What the fuck is this? Why waste a minute of screentime on this montage, which adds nothing to the story? Ugggh…
– The assembly scene is pretty disturbing, where Skinner and Willie at first are forced to make out in front of the students, but then over time appear to be enjoying themselves? So we’re treated to seeing a shot of them behind Chalmers appearing to be very passionately sucking face. Dude, what?
– I don’t understand the Michelle Obama thing. It’d be one thing if they actually were able to get her to do the voice, by all means, if the First Lady is willing to do your show, book her. But here, like with all celebrity appearances nowadays, it’s just an extended ass kissing session. She makes a grand entrance, totes how smart and accomplished she is, emasculates her bodyguards with her muscular arms (which is really our only “joke”), and leaves. I’m not saying you have to rip on her, and I’m certainly not looking to get political with this, but if you’re going to put the First Lady on your comedy show, maybe it’d be a good idea to include some comedy? Novel concept, yeah?

One good line/moment: A quick line at the beginning from Skinner on the whereabouts of Edna (“Mrs. Krabappel had to go to Portland. Apparently the people she hired to reprogram her sister from that cult ended up being an even worse cult.”)

Original airdate: March 14, 2010

The premise: The school informs Homer and Marge of Bart’s lengthy track record of not doing any homework. In response, Homer cracks the whip, while Marge has a more sympathetic outlook. Noticing the opposite reactions, Bart sets his parents against each other to get out of doing schoolwork, but when he does, he finds his pranking isn’t as fun without the thrill of potentially being punished.

The reaction: Another episode starring Anti-Bart. Worrying about school and what his parents think of him? Who is this character? A lot of this felt like “Itchy & Scratchy: The Movie” in reverse, particularly in showing Homer and Marge with swapped points of view. In that episode, Marge is the actual attentive parent, so seeing her concerned with her son’s behavior at school makes sense. Similarly, Homer is completely oblivious, and is easily manipulated and won over, so him being a pushover to Bart’s whims also is logical. Here, they’re switched, and it makes no sense, delving further into the bizarre once they resolve their marital spat, openly vowing to put their marriage before their kids. Homer I can meet halfway about this, but Marge? No fucking way. Then Bart sets himself up to get caught pulling a mega prank and basks in the glory of his punishment. Remember the kid who wantonly smashed mustard packets into the carpet with a hammer for no reason other than he was a rambunctious ten-year-old? Whatever happened to that little scamp?

Three items of note:
– We open with a filmstrip being shown in Krabappel’s class of a city of the future, a surprisingly well done piece aping 1950s style designs. It’s not particularly funny, but it captures the spirit and the look of those old Tex Avery “[blank] of Tomorrow” shorts. It certainly is the first thing I’ve enjoyed this whole season, and we’re at what, episode fourteen?
– The underground train station boasts some very well designed sets, they were very interesting to look at. Kinda reminded me of the D.C. train tunnels in Fallout 3. There’s some pretty good artistry in this episode, too bad the story is so boring.
– It’s funny how big things can happen in these new episodes without any sort of elaboration or reaction. We’re introduced to the railway in act three, which Bart activates, causing monstrous tremors all throughout the town. This surely would create some kind of panic that Quimby would have to address, but instead, it’s just glossed over completely. I feel some of these episodes introduce elements or brush up against plot turns that could be interesting if explored, but then they don’t even bother to try.

One good line/moment: There are actually a couple good bits here. My favorite is where Bart is chasing the letter to the school mail room, dives past the mail slot and right under a similar slot marked “Ice Cream Wrappers.” Then he’s buried under a bunch of wrappers. It was so weird and well timed, it actually made me laugh.

Original airdate: February 21, 2010

The premise: In researching the Simpson family tree, Lisa uncovers the diary of a young 19th century girl who wrote of her attempts to free a slave belonging to Mr. Burns’s ancestor. She continues to dig deeper and deeper to find the full story, hoping to find at least one Simpson in history of noble character.

The reaction: This episode has forgotten to make jokes in the past, but here, it seems like they weren’t even trying to do comedy, but craft this historical mystery instead. Too bad none of it is interesting or entertaining. And none of it really makes much sense. The episode is about Lisa hoping there will be redemption for her 1860s counterpart, but then when she’s discredited by an out-of-character antagonistic Milhouse, she’s gone from the episode. Then all of a sudden it’s 1860s Marge who saves the day, moving with the slave Virgil to Canada. So is 1860s Homer not in the Simpson blood line at all? And did 1860s Marge just up and abandon her daughter, the girl we were supposed to care about the whole show? And did they eventually move back to Springfield after leaving? Who gives a shit. This felt like an extended version of an anthology episode, except with zero attempts at humor.

Three items of note:
– “The motto of the Simpsons is quit while you’re ahead!” Do the writers include lines like this on purpose?
– It really is stunning how little comedy there was attempted here. I mean, were they so proud of themselves and this historical “drama” they cooked up that they felt it would be worth playing it straight? The scene of 1860s Burns condescendingly talking down to Lisa felt so scathing, with no snarky joke at the end or anything. I think they were really trying to be serious here, but why? WHY?
– Homer randomly forbids Lisa to read on in the diary, and Abe out of nowhere provides all the necessary information about our story’s conclusion. Why is this? Never explained. Oh, except for a quick off-the-cuff line about Abe being a racist. Funny!

One good line/scene: Once again, a sign gag (Celebrating Black History Month. Coming Soon: March).

Original airdate: February 14, 2010

The premise: Homer and Marge’s marriage gets a new spark when they take up curling. They partner up with Skinner and Agnes, and eventually are invited to try out for the Winter Olympics upon curling’s admission into the games. Tensions arise when Agnes wants to urge Homer off the team, and later Marge sprains her shoulder to cover for him during a game. But then they bounce back and win the gold! Hoooraaaay… whoooo carrrees…

The reaction: Curling… my God. The scenes during the games attempting to play for drama are so hysterical, they must be intentional. Could this be any more dull? I guess this is another of their gimmicky, attempting-to-stay-relevant episodes as it aired during the Winter Olympics, and mixed curling was up for being included (results: it wasn’t). Homer and Marge try out curling, and of course they instantly become good at it, enough to get selected to try out in the motherfucking Olympics. So they go to Vancouver, Agnes wants to throw Homer off the team for some reason, more tensionsless scenes of curling, blah blah blah blah… and then they win, and everything’s great. So are they going to the actual winter games now? Yawn. Long gone are the days of the Simpsons being lovable failures, I guess. Watching underdogs in believable situations is a lot more entertaining than characters who succeed at the most gargantuan of tasks. Oh, and there’s also a B-story about Lisa being addicted to collectible pins and acting like a crackhead. What a pile of nothing this show is.

Three items of note:
– So I guess we’ve retconned Skinner again where we see he is Agnes’s biological son, in an absolutely disturbing image of unborn Seymour kicking her from inside, with a little foot jutting from her stomach in slow motion. Has any other character’s past been rewritten so much? And at the end we get Agnes acting wildly out of character. She tells her son she’s so, so proud of him, in a completely saccharine, irony-free moment of “emotion.” Where did this come from? And why? And did they literally make a reference to Shaq taunting Kobe Bryant with Agnes taunting Norway, “Tell me how my ice tastes?” I feel so unclean.
– Bob Costas gets a lot of lines here playing himself, but none of them are funny, or really form him into any kind of character. Remember when James Taylor, Stephen Jay Gould and Jasper Johns were inexplicably assholes? That certainly doesn’t happen anymore. Everything on this show must now be held with the softest of kid gloves.
– It feels like so little happens in these episodes because there’s so much goddamn padding… all the montages, the hallucination with the medicine lady, the Curlys bit (which felt soooo long, the writers must have been real proud of themselves for that one, “Curling… that sounds like Curly!”) and that end bit with the stupid upside down Homer muzzle thing. It was kind of like the random bit of Lisa skating to “Season of the Witch” at the end of “Rednecks and Broomsticks.” With so little story, they still came in short and had to pad twenty more seconds.

One good line/moment: Another sign gag at the ice rink (Thursday: Clockwise Night). It seems that sign gags are the only card the show has up its sleeve anymore. It seems like they’re the only things that work in these episodes.

Original airdate: January 31, 2010

The premise: Homer skips out on a wedding where he and Marge planned an elaborate toast for to purchase a lottery ticket, and ends up sending his car down a cliff attempting to hurry there. When he coming to, he finds he’s the million dollar winner, but knowing if he confesses he’ll admit he ditched Marge, he decides to spend the winnings in secret. Meanwhile, Lisa gets the denizens of the Retirement Castle happy and active with… sigh… the Funtendo Zii.

The reaction: Such an odd episode. For an episode where Homer wins a million dollar jackpot, it certainly felt like nothing was happening. And I guess something that huge isn’t meaty enough so we get a B-story and a fair amount of filler to go with it. So Homer can’t tell Marge he won because he’ll be admitting to skipping out on that wedding thing? If we couldn’t pick that up, thankfully his inner monologue explicitly exposits that for us. In order to covertly spend the money, he hides presents for the family about town, be it a washing machine in the bushes in the park, or filling the family car with brand new electronics at the car wash. Marge and the others just accept these random happenings, I guess, because they’re idiots. Couldn’t Homer have done this in a savvier way? Why not lie and say he got a raise at work? He’s not the smartest man, but surely there are dozens of other ways he could have kept this quiet. It all just felt very dumb. As for our B-story, it’s like Mapple all over again, it just felt like a giant Wii commercial. No satire, no real humor, just talking about how fun this wonderful game console is. Buy one today! Though surely you have one, since the system was out for over three years before this aired!

Three items of note:
– Even before Homer wins the jackpot, it seems the Simpsons are already pretty well off considering Lisa is just able to buy the Zii herself. Remember when Bart was saving up money to buy Bonestorm? It certainly felt more realistic than an eight-year-old buying a video game system by herself on a whim.
– Why would Marge go up and just sing her part of the toast with the silent gaps where Homer should be? It’s like that bit in the Tenacious D movie where Kyle Gass plays a song at a house party but with only his vocals, except there it kind of works because he’s an idiot. Between this and blindly accepting expensive gifts that just show up out of nowhere, I guess Marge is a big idiot too.
– Similar to treating Grampa’s rambling stories seriously in that previous episode, here our B-story is resolved with hearing the nursing home staff’s poor lot in life. The terrible conditions and environment of the retirement home used to be such sharp commentary and so underplayed, whereas now the plot ends with the staff griping to Lisa as overtly as possible (“You still should’ve let them have their fun!” “They should have had their fun before they got here!”)

One good line/moment: Homer considers all he can buy with his new fortune, like Hitler’s baseball, or a magic mirror that dispenses advice. Cue thought balloon with the magic mirror (“My advice is to buy Hitler’s baseball.”) Nice bit, the quick timing made it work.