(originally aired April 27, 2008)
Some commenters have suggested that it seems like the writers come up with the stupid episode title “parodies” first, and then write the actual episode tenuously based on said title. In this case, I honestly believe the inception of this episode was, “Bart says, ‘Don’t have a cow, man,’ so why don’t we give him a cow! Man!” So they did, and then cobbled together a bunch of stuff that can barely be considered a plot. Upon seeing Martin driving a cool harvester, Bart joins the 4-H club to drive one too, and ends up getting invested in doing farm work. Real exciting. He’s tasked with raising a calf to full health, and his reward in the end is seeing his full-grown bovine be first in line for the slaughter. This episode has shades of “Lisa the Vegetarian” in it, where Bart grows remorseful for this creature he’s eaten dozens of before, but he shakes off any dietary qualms he may have in one infuriating scene with li’l preachy Lisa. It’s also akin to “Bart the Mother,” where Bart is in namby-pamby wimp mode, moping about the cow and its plight. It’s yet another example of how the writers seem to have no idea how to write Bart anymore.
Bart rescues the cow and offers it safety at Cletus’s farm, in the care of one of his daughters Mary, also a 4-H member. Unbeknownst to him, giving a young lady a cow is considering a marriage proposal to hillbilly folk, so to keep his cow safe, Bart must go along with this marriage, which neither he nor Mary want to go through with. Could he not explain the situation to Cletus? Nah, forget that. Plus, the marriage is in no way legally binding considering how young they are, so I’m not quite sure what the stakes are here. It’s all just a stupid farce that I could care less about. Then we cap things off with the cow being sent off to India thanks to Apu, and a high-larious sequence of Homer trying to escape the slaughterhouse factory floor. This episode is just completely empty. Empty of any believable character actions, clever jokes or commentary, interesting stories… it’s just a big, big vacuum of nothing. But it’s no different than most of the episodes nowadays.
Tidbits and Quotes
– Trans-Clown-o-Morphs has nothing on the Mattel and Mars Bar Quick Energy Chocobot Hour
– Bart drives over a pile of manure with his harvester, and it spits out DVDs of Pirates of the Caribbean 3. Zing! I’ll say once more, this show has lost its right to decry someone else’s quality. They’re probably just bitter that it made more money over the summer of 2007 than their movie did.
– Zooey Deschanel voices Mary, who I can commend for actually giving an honest performance with a Southern accent, and also because she’s Zooey and she’s adorable. Of course now they’ve brought her character back since she’s under the FOX umbrella with New Girl. Mary was once Cletus’s hick daughter, but now she’s a trendy New York musician! Or something! Whatever, who cares, fuck you!
– Bart hears animals moaning in pain in his sleep, but what he believes to be his conscious is actually just from a stereo Lisa planted under his bed to make him feel bad. Remember the end of “Lisa the Vegetarian” when Lisa learns that she shouldn’t browbeat or vilify others for having different beliefs? Well fuck that, now she’s a loud and proud vegetarian, and wants everyone else to be too! This scene made me want to rip my face off.
– The only bit of the episode I liked is when Homer and Marge do a little sock puppet show to get Maggie to eat her spinach. It has nothing to do with the story, but it’s a nice little scene. When Lisa runs in so the plot can continue, Homer’s sock does a spit take. That sentence totally makes sense.
– I feel like we haven’t seen Apu in a long time. But in the one scene he’s in, he’s nothing more than a prop. Once the plane takes off, he just disappears when Marge calls Homer.
– Why the fuck didn’t Homer get out of that cow costume the second he was put on the conveyor belt? There are countless opportunities he could have escaped on his own, the entire ending is just fucking stupid.
Me Blog Write Good 
To make it worse, this season’s premier brought Mary back, but the Simpsons had to go to NYC to find her because Bart realized she is his true love. Maybe I’m missing something here, but isn’t 10 years old way too young to be thinking about true love?
Oh, and I guess she is going to return later on this season again. -_-
However, at this point, I don’t care because I have stopped watching the show. Marge wanting to have another baby (again) has finally broken me.
Anyway, this episode is pretty awful and just down right stupid. It was predictable and bland. There is nothing else I can say about it.
Mmmmm, Zooey Deschanel…!!!!
………Otherwise, this episode sucks.
“The only bit of the episode I liked is when Homer and Marge do a little sock puppet show to get Maggie to eat her spinach.”
That reminds me, I just found out Sifl and Olly is back, and has been back for like 6 months now…
Why didn’t they just call this episode “Do have a cow man” not the best title but still better than what they had.
– Trans-Clown-o-Morphs has nothing on the Mattel and Mars Bar Quick Energy Chocobot Hour
Or the “action figure man” how to buy action figure man episode which summed up sat morn tv in the 80’s in just 5 seconds.
– Bart drives over a pile of manure with his harvester, and it spits out DVDs of Pirates of the Caribbean 3. Zing! I’ll say once more, this show has lost its right to decry someone else’s quality. They’re probably just bitter that it made more money over the summer of 2007 than their movie did.
Another pot calling the kettle black moment from ZS
This episode contained another groaner: “Here’s looking at you, cud.” Uggggggghhhhhhh.
Man, this blog is getting tedious. All it is is “Ugh, (enter number here) episodes left” at this point. It’s not entertaining anymore…
Mike hasn’t posted a review for 2 days and come on there’s still abominations of episodes coming up”
Just like the actual show.
Its unbelievable how the writers can’t see how much despicable and fucking annoying they made the characters of Homer and Lisa. Every time they are on the screen, every single line they say, or face expression they do, I just want to strangle them to death with my hands. They are the reasons why i totally stopped watching this show: at this point i used to watch it sometimes just for curiosity, but while other characters are just an empty bunch of nothingness, Homer and Lisa in ZS must be the worst characters i’ve ever seen on tv, especially because writers expect you to like them.
Blimey! That is terrible what they do in this episode. It’s shocking, yet so depressing to hear that The Simpsons is the worst everything now-the worst show, the worst writing, the worst characters. It’s even worse when the re-writing room ruins certain scripts because they can just say “This is their new character now. What was out of character back then is in character now.” But blimey, I didn’t realize Homer and Lisa were this evil. That they were the true villains of The Simpsons who were meant to be the heroes in the first place. That’s just SCARY! I had no idea how much you were offended by Lisa wanting everyone to have her vegetarian beliefs.
“Plus, the marriage is in no way legally bound considering how young they are, so I’m not quite sure what the stakes are here.”
I always assumed that in order to have Cletus keep the cow, Bart would have to move in with the Spucklers if he “married” Mary.
Why would you assume that Fox’s New Girl series gave the writers the idea to bring Mary Spuckler back twice in Season 24? I know what you are talking about with Mary’s voice actress starring in that series, giving other FOX shows more access to Zooey, but…other than that, I do not see what Moonshine River and Love is a Many Splintered Thing have to do with New Girl at all, and you seem to be the only one complaining about this “corporate synergy.”
I assume this is only because you didn’t like Mary Spuckler as a new character to begin, and you only talk about New Girl in those other two episodes because if bringing her back isn’t bad enough, changing her to be more like the real Zooey is even worse because there was otherwise nothing else they could do with Mary if she appeared with Bart again. Nothing else. That’s too bad, because I really liked Mary as a character before, even when there was little to nothing to her.
I bet you’re never going to believe this, but Apocalypse Cow is Matt Groening’s most favorite episode of The Simpsons, and his most favorite part was the climactic scene of Homer in the slaughterhouse.