372. Million Dollar Abie

(originally aired April 2, 2006)
Another episode with no idea what it’s doing or what it’s supposed to be about. Some of these shows I find difficult to surmise. Is it about Grampa getting a new lease on life and living it to the fullest? Well the second half is, but it barely even feels like it. It’s just a bunch of ideas thrown together into something that vaguely resembles a coherent story. It starts with Homer succeeding at getting a football franchise in Springfield, which I guess is something that not only are we supposed to just accept, but it only serves as part of our first act. Abe roughs up the NFL commissioner thinking he’s a burglar, costing the town the game and making him a town pariah. He then resolves there’s nothing left for him but to kill himself. So the show’s tackling euthanasia now; there’s nothing grossly offensive about it, except that it gives no real commentary on the serious issue, and feels completely inconsequential. This episode’s like a pinball game, just batting around from one idea to the next.

Once Grampa decides to keep on living, the episode shifts gears once more: something needs to be done about the football stadium the town built, and it’s randomly suggested that it become a bull fighting ring, with Grampa volunteering to be a matador. All of this totally makes sense. Everything is so slapdash, each act feels like a completely different episode. So now the conflict is between Abe and Lisa, who is disappointed at her grandfather’s gross animal cruelty. Thankfully it feels more innocent than preachy, but the treacle is still pretty thick. Grampa says for the first time in his life people are cheering him, to which Lisa responds, “I was always cheering for you, Grampa. Until now.” Is that so? I wish the episode had led to this point even the slightest bit. In the end, Grampa frees the bulls, and they proceed to terrorize and gore the entire town. There’s a shit ton of filler here too: the Hollywood video, two music montages… the story is just so damn thin. But it doesn’t even have to be. Grampa having a near-death experience and wanting to live it up is a premise that’s rife with potential. Instead we get this, whatever it is.

Tidbits and Quotes
– The only specific thing I remember about this episode is that when it aired, they premiered the first teaser for The Simpsons Movie. It was a pretty simple teaser: panning across a giant ‘S’ so you thought it was for Superman Returns, but then pulling out to show Homer on the couch with a Superman shirt and undies on. Even back then, I was kinda disappointed considering how much they were hyping it.
– The Los Angeles pitch video is a full two minutes of complete time killing. All you need is the board to express disgust over Hollywood’s phoniness, which you could communicate with a flyer or a brief conversation or something. The joke in the pitch video is that LA is awesome and Springfield sucks, which grows tired instantly, and I’m just praying for it to end when we get to the “Springfield Blows” song. Everything just draaaaaaaaaggss.
– If anything, the town fucked themselves over by renaming all their street names, which is why the commissioner gets lost in the first place.
– I don’t know what to make of the euthanasia bit. I’ll say something like the diePod crosses over into “so-dumb-it’s-funny” for me, and I like the callback that the man the doctor had just killed was Wiggum’s brother-in-law, but all of it felt very uncomfortable, seeing one of our beloved characters about to die willfully. Then it’s swept under the rug rather quickly. Grampa inadvertently admits it to the family, who are shocked, then he assures them he’s fine, because he’s learned a lesson. Cut to him staring hopefully at the stars as saccharine music starts playing. It’s like someone spliced two different episodes together, the tone shifts so quickly it’s like whiplash.
– Everyone is so completely on board with the bull fighting idea, they cheer immediately for it. Why are they so psyched? Why is everyone so blood-thirsty in the third act?
– The tension builds as Grampa debates killing his first bull, then he finally does, with no sound effect. Were they trying to be dramatic and artsy, or did they just puss out? Meanwhile later there’s sounds of clothing ripping and flesh piercing as Luigi is gored by a group of bulls.
– The show ends with Grampa and Lisa floating on lawn chairs with balloons. Why? I dunno. Then we see some bulls have tied balloons to themselves and floated up too. What the ever loving fuck is happening?