85. Rosebud

(originally aired October 21, 1993)
First off, I’ll say this is my favorite episode of the entire series. What am I to write about an episode that’s so absolutely perfect? Over the years, I’ve come up with a few reasons why it’s my favorite. Despite Burns’s potential for being a cruel, hateful monster, here, he garners the utmost sympathy, perhaps more than any other episode, showing the range and genius of the writing to make you feel bad about such a despicable character. The episode blends its solid emotional story with crazy gags and other character stuff. And it’s got Homer mooning an entire crowd of people. What’s not to love? I think it’s hard for any of us to explain exactly why our favorites are our favorites, it’s just something instinctual. I know it wasn’t until I got the season 5 DVD, I took a great shining to this one. I watched it once, then when I was done with the whole set, came back to this one and watched it over and over. The jokes never grew stale, I was always engaged, and even teared up a bit at the end. To me, it is the perfect Simpsons episode.

It’s Mr. Burns’s birthday, where he receives every possible gift known to man, except what he really wants: his long-lost teddy bear Bobo. Set up brilliantly from the first scene, Burns’s dream of his happy childhood, which turns into an expert Citizen Kane parody where young Monty swiftly dumps his parents to go off with a “twisted, heartless billionaire.” Nothing at his birthday bash cheers him up, especially not Homer’s uncouth brand of comedy. Everything in the episode feels seamless, that despite the avalanche of jokes, the story is always moving forward. Smithers grows suspect of Burns’s nightmare mumblings of “Bobo,” then puts it together when the old man responds to a picture of himself and the bear during a retrospective slide show at his party. Later, Bart is sent to get a bag of ice to soothe Homer’s swollen head after getting brutally beaten by Burns’s stormtrooper guards, and just so happens to grab the bag with the infamous bear inside.

The start of act two where Homer is beyond blissfully ignorant of the bear within his sights is absolutely incredible. The scene where Kent is describing how the bear could be in your house, while Maggie is wagging it in front of the TV, with continuous cuts at Homer’s blank stare is hysterical. But the best scene comes later, and it is my favorite scene of the entire series. Everything has been building to when Homer will finally realize that the valuable bear is mere feet away from him. Maggie places it in front of the fishtank, making it appear larger from inside the house. Lisa is meditating to some ethereal new age music. Bart knocks over a lamp, illuminating the bear. The stage is set. Just to be sure Homer pays attention, fate puts a skateboard at the top of the stairs for him to fall and land facing the aquarium (great animation moment where he sort of floats and flails above the ground before he finally falls). He recovers, sees the tank and gasps, and says… “How long have we had these fish?!” I don’t know how many times I’ve watched this episode, but I laugh hard every single time. It’s perfect, thick-headed Homer.

Homer immediately schemes how the bear can make him rich, but when he sees that Maggie has grown an attachment to it, he can’t bring himself to give it away. That’s when things get pretty ridiculous, with Burns’s continued attempts to break into the Simpson house, and then take over all the TV channels to punish the entire town. As silly as things get, every scene is still focused on the story. We have the town enraged about a town bereft of TV and beer because of a stupid teddy bear, but are eventually swayed by the precocious little Maggie too. Burns eventually must confront the baby, but even he can’t bring himself to steal from an infant (at least not until later in the series.) He laments, “You win, but I want you to do something for me. Hang onto that bear. Don’t make the same mistake I made,” before we get a wide shot of a hunched-over Burns slowly walking from the sand box. It’s just perfect. You feel so much sympathy for this irredeemable man that you’re just as happy as he is when Maggie hands over the bear. I don’t know what I can write to do this episode justice. Every joke works, it’s beautifully directed, pitch-perfect characterizations, and so many classic moments. It’s my favorite episode. What more can I say?

Tidbits and Quotes
– Rewatching this, I can’t believe I forgot that Smithers’s Marilyn Monroe Burns fantasy was in this one. So disturbing, but so great.
– I’m going to try really hard to make this not an entire transcript, since almost every joke is hilarious. A lot comes from the performances, especially Dan Castellaneta, which don’t read as humorously as they sound. I love Homer’s giddiness at his juvenile joke-writing, and how cracked up he is at the idea of flashing the crowd with his Sharpie-scribbled ass. Later, he dons a Bob Hope-style outfit for the big party and can’t stop insulting people (I love his emphatic “Okay, stupid!” to his own wife.) Also I love the small bit from Flanders after Homer tells him he smells like manure (“Better cancel that dinner party. Thanks for the nose news, neighbor!”)
– Even the syndication cuts are great: George H.W. Bush being turned away (“No one-termers!”) and having to be stuck with Jimmy Carter, Professor Frink’s malfunctioning robot bear (“BEAR WANT TO LIVE,”) and Burns and Smithers’s sitcom. That may be one of my favorite scenes in the whole series; there was no need for them to create programming to replace what they took off, they did it voluntarily. The canned laughter over the lack of jokes is hilarious. Also, it takes a talented man to make a reading of “Yes” to be hysterical, but Harry Shearer made it happen.
– The Ramones have got to be in the top five guest stars. They’re brief, but so impactful with their birthday song, “Go to hell, you old bastard!” and of course, Burns’s reaction (“Have the Rolling Stones killed.” “But sir, those aren’t…” “Do as I say!!”)
– Poor Homer. He got himself so revved up to the idea of a comedy roast, but couldn’t even get past his set-ups before Burns gets offended. Even more so with his “cheeky” impression. I love Burns’s animated reactions, and his directive to his armored guards. It’s not “get him off the stage” or “throw him out,” he grimly orders, “Destroy him.”
– I love Smithers’s recounting of Burns’s valuable possessions: King Arthur’s Excalibur, the only existing nude photo of Mark Twain, and the rare first draft of the Constitution with the word “Suckers” in it.
– More disturbing Smithers material with him impersonating Bobo. Also disturbing of Burns telling him to save the costume.
– The family discussion about the bear is just one perfect joke after another: Homer’s dream of his own recording studio, Homer and Bart laughing at Lisa’s suggestion to just be generous and give back the bear, Bart’s suggestion to send the bear’s eye in the mail (and Homer’s blank, almost hypnotized read of “Yes, we’ll send the eye”) and Marge’s impulsive suggestion of asking for double the money (“Why can’t I be greedy one in a while?”)
– I really am just going to list every line, aren’t I? The ceiling collapsing on Burns, covering him with riches (“As you can see, this old place is falling apart,”) Homer rejecting the first offer (“May I offer you a drink?”) and slowly but surely regretting it, “I’m rich! Rich I tells yah!” Even Smithers’s annoyed murmur upon leaving is hilarious.
– I’m just going to burn right through these: Burns gassing Flanders, Burns angrily accepting more cocoa from Marge, 64 slices of American cheese, “Good day to you,” “After lunch, can I whip you?” “I wonder what makes it turn?” “Who cares.”
– There’s even a bunch of small jokes: when Burns makes his announcement of no more beer and TV, Otto is shocked, watching a tiny TV while driving the bus. No need for an extra joke there, but it’s there anyway.
– Let’s wrap this up: “Well, well, look who’s come to apologize!,” “We’ve given the word ‘mob’ a bad name,” “So, good sand today, hm?” “Damn you, paparazzo!” “What a scoop!” and of course, the psychotic future ending. Perfect episode is perfect.