Original airdate: December 5, 2010

The premise: The Simpson family all have their own Christmas dreams: Bart travels to the North Pole seeking to confront Santa regarding an consistently overlooked gift, Lisa conquers her tree phobia with a World War II-era fantasy, Marge wishes for a picture-perfect Christmas courtesy of guest star Martha Stewart, and Maggie imagines up a comedy sketch with her family in puppet form.

The reaction: Like “Simpsons Christmas Stories” a couple seasons back, we get four vignettes that seemed to get progressively worse and worse. The first one was easily the strongest, as Bart climbs the corporate ranks of ClausCo. to get face time with the big man himself. The conceit of a North Pole with hellish working conditions isn’t incredibly original (and was done much better with Futurama‘s Robot Santa and his long suffering elves), but there were a couple of amusing bits sprinkled throughout. I also understood what the hell was happening in it, unlike the following segment. In the wraparound story, Lisa is protesting Christmas trees, because she’s a humorless, ecologically conscious harpy, which leads to a dream about a WWII-era Lisa being terrified of trees because it reminds her of when her mother was enlisted in the war effort. It makes about as much sense as it sounds. It’s all characters announcing what’s happening and how they feel, and is rounded out by an extended ending where Marge blows up a theater full of Nazis a la Inglorious Basterds, a scene which would make absolutely no sense had you not seen the film. The Marge story with Martha Stewart is three minutes of the exact same joke: Stewart is amazing, and she can make anything out a home decoration! And she’ll do it eight times! Then we have the grand finale, an holiday puppet show, which is one of the worst things the show has ever done, both in terms of regular badness, and with it being such a wasted opportunity. I’ll delve into more detail below.

Three items of note:
– Every time Otto appears, it’s guaranteed there’ll be some sort of drug joke. As the conductor of the Polar Express, he keeps the train running by shoveling in pot leaves. It’s just so sad that all of the side characters on this show are now relegated to delivering just one type of joke. And it’s usually the same joke. Two episodes ago Otto used Burns’s body as his own bong. Drug references are funny!
-I barely even want to talk about the Lisa story, because I don’t really understand it, but the wrap-up of Lisa’s dilemma is so unbelievably ham fisted. She runs down the street horrified with everyone bringing home Christmas trees, ending up at the tree lot that Marge ended up leaving her at. In case you forgot the flashback from one minute earlier, Lisa helpfully narrates, “Oh no! This is where they took Mom from me!” But all is made well thanks to wiseguy Raphael, who has kept the tree Marge picked out from last year, and proceeds to decorate it, and trim it to resemble Marge’s head and hair. It’s such a belabored explanation, and this tender moment is coming from Raphael, a man who previously made Marge spell out ‘CUP’ for his own amusement and kicked Homer in the face riding an old timey bike. It all feels empty and meaningless, and this is all before the stupid Basterds ending.
– Okay, so that fucking last segment. The only positive I can say about it is the puppets themselves look fantastic. Everything else… what a disaster. The writing felt a lot like the terrible demo tape that Homer filmed in “Behind the Laughter,” except with none of the self consciousness. I’m not entirely sure what they’re trying to parody either. There are many allusions to the Muppets, The Muppet Show specifically, but the premise is like a bad sitcom story, with the boss catching the subordinate in a lie, more than some kind of variety show sketch. All they can think to do are some softball meta jokes (Moe crumbling up cookies like Cookie Monster, a live hand appearing beneath a puppet), nothing that really hasn’t been seen or observed before. But the biggest waste of all is the appearance of Katy Perry. This was coming off of her Sesame Street skit being canned because a certain amount of busybodies were upset that she has breasts and complained on the Internet. There’s a laundry list of things you could make fun of about that “controversy,” her pop star persona, the media machine perpetuating her style of performance and music, it’s an endless parade of material. Instead, they shove her in a tight red dress and trot her out to be objectified, shoving Puppet Burns into her boobs and Puppet Moe going to town on her crotch. No thought, no creativity, just bland “shock” material. Rather than subverting the sex appeal of her image, the show just goes for the same base and vapid territory as TMZ would. What a complete and utter waste, especially for such a unique segment.

One good line/moment: The only good moments are in Bart’s story at the beginning, which has a few solid jokes, but my favorite part was when Bart takes the freight elevator down with an elven Lewis and Morton. It’s a straight ahead shot of the three awkwardly looking back and forth, with the two elves looking like they couldn’t give less of a shit.

Original airdate: November 28, 2010

The premise: Bart tends to a wounded pigeon and forms a kinship with the newly healed bird. When Santa’s Little Helper eats Bart’s new favorite pet, he’s devastated, and it creates a big rift between a boy and his dog.

The reaction: Man, this has got to be the most boring episode yet. A shred of a simple story amidst layers and layers of padding and stretching scenes out as far as possible. It takes three minutes for the episode to actually start after the full opening theme, an extended couch gag, and two lengthy extended scenes that were just random and existed to fill time. The actual “conflict” of the episode didn’t even happen until halfway through. The first half is Bart caring for the bird, then using it to send people messages. That’s it. Nothing interesting or captivating is happening, the characters aren’t dealing with any problems, it’s just Bart hanging out with a bird. “Bart the Mother” comes to mind, which featured Bart out-of-character as a treacly mess over these bird eggs, but at least there was motivation and reason for it. Here, Bart just cares for the bird, just ’cause. Santa’s Little Helper ends up eating the poor bird, and Bart is pissed at him. Then we get even more padding: the choir at the funeral, the Itchy & Scratchy cartoon, Homer looking through inkblot tests… it just keeps going. Ultimately, they’re gonna give the dog away to an ostrich farm (?), where the conflict is resolved when Bart strangles a hostile ostrich to death. Yeah. So, I guess he learned that birds can be dangerous? That the tally of birds killed is now even between them? I don’t understand, but I don’t really care either. A shockingly dull, dull outing.

Three items of note:
– The Itchy & Scratchy episode is particularly frustrating, entitled “Dogday Hellody of 1933.” I had no idea what that means, but it turns out it’s a play on the film Broadway Melody of 1936, a film I’m sure everyone over eighty years old remembers. But why the 1933? The short is actually based on the Disney cartoon “Pluto’s Judgement Day,” which was released in 1935. So, still have no idea where the 1933 came from. Anyway, the first thing that confused me was the look of the cartoon. I recalled Dead Homers already did a pretty thorough analysis of this, so if you want, you can check that out, with visual accompaniment. They were trying to go for a soft, watercolor look for the backgrounds to match the original cartoon, but it ends up looking like it’s just blurry and out of focus. On top of that, it stands in direct contrast with the crisp, clear digital characters put on top of it. There are a line of crystal clear Scratchys that couldn’t stand out more against a super blurry jury box that they’re actually supposed to be behind. The cartoon ends with the likes of Edward G. Robinson, Harpo Marx and Bing Crosby beating the shit out of a dog. Why is this cartoon being shown now on Bart’s widescreen television? Is Krusty showing a re-run? “Streamboat Itchy” and “Scratchtasia” were parodies of classic animation, but they were produced in the past, in-universe. Nothing in this shit makes any sense to me.
– It seems like every trick in the book was used to bring this thing to length. This may be a first that I’ve noticed the show literally just holding frames to pad out the time. Homer and Marge meet with Skinner, who pleads with them to keep Bart’s spirits down to retain peace in the school, a scene that starts with a kernel of a humorous idea, but drags on far too long. The final shot is a wide shot of the three of them with Marge murmuring. Then we just hold on them for two whole seconds, with absolutely nothing but the ticking of the clock on the wall, which I guess was actual audio from the editor desperately trying to make sure they hit the air length mark.
– There’s not much else to really comment on, so let’s just do a quick guest star line-up. Danica Patrick appears as herself in Homer’s dream, which feels incredibly lazy. I almost would have preferred she literally just burst in the Simpson backyard in a race car, at least it would have injected some much needed energy into this sleeping pill. In the final act, Rachel Weisz voices the family therapist, who I suppose must have a name, but she exhibits no discernibly personality or characteristics, so whatever. We are indeed a long fucking way away from Tracey Ullman as Emily Winthrop (“Pull the bloody chain, boy!!”)

One good line/moment: Probably the biggest laugh I’ve gotten so far is Santa’s Little Helper randomly jumping in to grab the bird. By twelve minutes in, I was near comatose with how dull the episode was, so the dog appearing to eat that fucking bird was like a Godsend. I only wish he would have swallowed faster, it would have been even funnier.

Original airdate: November 21, 2010

The premise: Mr. Burns is crestfallen when he finds he only has six weeks to live. When a cartoonishly botched suicide attempt leaves him with no memory and the mentality of a four-year-old, the town decides the only viable option is to schedule time for each and every citizen of Springfield to enact their own revenge on the evil old miser that negatively impacted all their lives.

The reaction: One of the biggest casualties in terms of characterization that I recall from this series was the degradation of Mr. Burns. At this point he can either be a bland stock “evil” villain, or they humiliate and degrade him to subvert that persona. This episode flip-flops between both extremes in the most bizarre episode this season, hands down. We start with Burns finding out that his days are numbered from his doctor, and rather than dropping him down a trap door, he instead gets rather sad. He holds a big gala event to announce his impending demise, and then is depressed to find that nobody cares about him, two things that feel so incredibly un-Burns. So it’s like “Monty Can’t Buy Me Love” where Burns inexplicably cares if people don’t like him. Why? Bart finds an amnesiac Burns in the woods, who is now acting (and speaking) like his “alien” form in “The Springfield Files.” The whole middle portion of this episode is very unsettling, featuring a completely out-of-sorts feeble old man being used and abused by the townspeople. Apu uses him as a human shield, Homer walks him through a construction site in hopes of gravely harming him, they keep him in a giant birdcage during their town hall meeting… seriously, what is going on? As the only one who recognizes how apeshit all of this is, Lisa uses her time to take Burns back to his mansion, where he inexplicably regains his faculties. There’s barely even a moment to signify his change, it happens over a few seconds, it’s just like, oh, okay, he’s back now. After that, the episode is basically over. The town doesn’t really learn anything, Burns I guess is just fine now that he’s surpassed his life expectancy, and we wrap everything up in under two minutes. I really think they should have just killed Burns seasons ago, it’s clear that the writers don’t seem to know what to do with him anymore.

Three items of note:
– The opening with the news leaders meeting in the Statue of Liberty’s head feels like a shallow recreation of Republican Headquarters in the spooky castle. FOX News arrives in a helicopter labeled “Not Racist, But #1 With Racists,” which is a good joke, but as usual with this show now, they keep it going too long. When the guy exits the helicopter, it gets unstable, with the pilot screaming, “We’re unbalanced! It’s not fair!” Yeah, we got it. Also, the heads of Bravo and LOGO are making out! Gay people sure are funny!
– Burns’s wacky botched suicide lasts for so long. So very… very… long. He hits an incoming airplane, he’s struck by lightning, he bounces off a bunch of tree branches, he’s flung every which way, it’s just horrible. I don’t quite understand why it’s supposed to be funny. Same thing with amnesiac Burns, watching him is just more disturbing than anything. He eats teddy bear stuffing and vomits it up, a bird violently yanks on his tongue, and in one shot, it appears like he’s air humping Santa’s Little Helper as the dog has a concerned expression. Everyone laugh at this disgusting old man who’s lost his mind!
– The ending is so, so terrible. Burns returns and vows he’ll cover the town in a dome, in a meta joke that kind of falls flat. When he confronts everybody, Marge tells him that he should be thanking all of them. He’s lived beyond what the doctor told him, and it was all because he was helping others. Is that how Marge sees it? Otto using Burns’s body as a bong was helping? Burns, for some reason, goes along with this, offers Ralph a lemon drop, and then his fucking skull caves in and he falls to the ground. Taking the candy back, his skull reforms. He surmises that his wickedness is his fountain of youth, and he’ll never be generous again. Sure, that makes sense. Then why was he given a death sentence in the first place? He’s just going to ignore his other diagnoses? It’s more of just characters explaining what they’re thinking and closing the episode out as quickly as we can. And then the very end is Burns getting muscled into going to Nelson’s school play, I guess. Oh my, what a mess.

One good line/moment: In a moment that felt like the show making fun of itself, but I don’t know if they were clever enough to be that meta, at the town hall meeting, Lisa once again must act as the rabble-rousing voice of reason, quoting Shakespeare regarding showing mercy, which is responded with overwhelming boos (Sideshow Mel is at the front of the crowd; if there’s one Springfield citizen I wouldn’t expect to boo Shakespeare, it’s him). Lisa retorts that she feels weird that she, an eight-year-old, is the only one standing up to this shit. Shocked, Mayor Quimby comments, “Eight-year-old?! I always thought you were a midget!” I laughed out loud at that, something the show hasn’t done for me in a good while.

Original airdate: November 14, 2010

The premise: After discovering Marge was a straight-A student prior to meeting Homer, Lisa starts to worry that she might be destined to the same future as her mother. Meanwhile, Bart ends up king of the schoolyard after unintentionally incapacitating Nelson on multiple occasions.

The reaction: Talk about a Frankenstein’s Monster of an episode, with plot elements basically cut whole cloth from classic shows of years past. To start, you have Lisa’s devastation that she’s seemingly doomed to become a homemaker, as seen in “Separate Vocations.” The key difference between the two is that in that episode, Marge actually tried to encourage Lisa not to give up on her own dreams. Here, Marge acts like a scorned child, laying a tremendous guilt trip on her daughter (“Would it be so bad to turn out like me?” “Mom, I admire everything you do!” “But it’s not good enough, is it?”) It just feels incredibly out of character for Marge to be that vindictive, especially with no real build-up either. In an effort to keep herself focused on her studies, she rids herself of all extracurricular “distractions,” including her saxophone, which makes no sense. Wasn’t she worried about having more out-of-school activities two episodes ago to better her chances at getting into an Ivy league college? Whatever. After that, she just so happens to pass by a bus for a more prestigious school and we spend the last third or so of the episode with her taking classes there. Making fun of high-end, pretentious schools for children is material that’s well-trodden for this show, and seen much better in the likes of “Bart the Genius,” “Lisa’s Sax,” “A Streetcar Named Marge,” etc. Lastly, our wrap-up. It turns out Marge was able to get Lisa admitted to the fancy school by agreeing to do all of their laundry, with mounds and mounds of it piled up in the Simpson basement and Marge working all night. Aren’t students typically responsible for laundering their own uniforms? And is the laundry bill that high to cover a full tuition? Anyway, a parent makes a huge sacrifice for Lisa’s happiness, and Lisa realizes it’s ultimately not worth it if her parent is suffering. “Lisa’s Pony,” anyone? And what a shallow imitation, it’s barely even worth comparing in detail. In “Pony,” we see Homer degrading into a sleep deprived mess, and Lisa pondering her decision after being exposed to the truth. Everything in the episode is leading to this final end point. In this episode, we see that Marge spoke with the dean of the school in private to get Lisa in, but we’re kept in the dark about what happened until the very end, wherein Marge still keeps her scorned attitude toward her daughter (“It’s important to you that you don’t end up like me.”) So we see Lisa making up an excuse why she doesn’t want to go to the school anymore, then give her mom a hug with a sad expression on her face. Where “Pony” ends with Lisa appreciating her father’s sacrifice for her and the two happily walking into the sunset together, this episode ends with Lisa succumbing to her mother’s petty guilt trip and feeling sad. What a heartwarming finale!

Three items of note:
– Despite my grave issues with the actual story, this is easily the best episode so far in terms of humor and ancillary ideas. The beginning features Homer’s attempts to get Maggie a rare Happy Little Elves figure out of a whole collection of blind box toys. I frigging hate those things. If I want to get one particular figure, I just want to buy that one figure. It’s basically like gambling. Homer’s increasing anger and frustration of getting the same ones over and over is great, as is his earnestness to try to please Maggie, but the montage of him repeatedly wasting tank after tank of gas is not very amusing.
– The Simpsons happen to get lost driving around, and they end up going by Marge’s childhood house. For some reason, a box of Marge’s stuff is still in their attic, and her room is still somewhat furnished as it was decades ago, with cobwebs on the dresser and a peace sign poster on the wall. The owner appears to be a crazy person, admitting to having rummaged in said box, but nothing ever comes of this, of course.
– As if ripping off multiple past episodes in the A-plot weren’t enough, the B-plot feels like a sorry retread of “Bart the General,” where Bart lives in fear that Nelson is going to get his retribution, only to end up unintentionally knock him out time and time again. Toward the end of the story, Marge gives Bart the same advice she gave twenty-one years prior to just talk to Nelson and try to make nice. And it works. No subversion, no clever twist, Bart compliments Nelson’s bullying, and that’s the end. How anti-climactic.

One good line/moment: There were a few amusing moments in this one. Lisa confronts Homer about him seemingly being responsible for Marge’s academic dip, and he’s in the middle of creating a giant cigar out of fruit roll-ups and bubble gum. He then encourages Lisa to pick a vice, because it’s basically inevitable (“Just pick a dead-end and then chill out until you die.”) He then blows smoke from his sugary stogie, which creates a bubble gum smoke ring, which then floats down to the floor in a plop. It might have been a bit too uncharacteristically negative for Homer, but the scene had an chuckle-worthy rhythm to me.

Original airdate: November 7, 2010

The premise: In “War and Pieces,” an evil board game in the Simpson attic brings classic board games to life to wreak havoc on Springfield. In “Master and Cadaver,” Homer and Marge’s maritime honeymoon is interrupted by a mysterious castaway of questionable intent. In “Tweenlight,” Lisa is captivated by a new boy in school, who turns out to be a vampire.

The reaction: This has got to be the least Halloween-y special yet, with three segments that are parodies of movies, none of which are of the horror variety. The first one is kind of like Jumunji, which is just a random assortment of disconnected board game gags. The second story is a parody of Dead Calm, a 1989 film I have never seen, which comes the closest to being scary, being based on a psychological thriller, but falls short. It’s just a bunch of laborious explanations and lazy sex jokes, culminating in Homer being violent murder man at the end for some reason. Lastly, we have our Twilight parody, which everyone and their dog had done up to this point, two years after the release of the first movie. There wasn’t even really a discernible plot. Lisa meets Edmund (ugh), he then invites her to dinner, then there’s an ending confrontation at a bell tower where characters keep switching motivation and I can’t figure out what’s supposed to be happening and why.

Three items of note:
– What better way to open up a spooky scary Halloween special than with a “parody” of the opening titles of The Office? Featuring monsters working in an office? Mummy Dwight puts the thing in the shredder and gets his wraps caught! Comedy? Like, what the fuck is this?
– The ending to the second segment is really fucking weird. It turns out the mysterious stranger was innocent, but when we find out, we randomly cut to Homer with a speargun, who just shoots him dead. He then kills everyone else in the room, as well as stabbing a pelican. Then Marge narrates why she’s committing suicide while doing so and the segment is over. Oh, actually, it turns out this was all in Maggie’s head during bathtime. We then see her become Alex from A Clockwork Orange for no reason at all, because references are the same thing as jokes. Who needs subversion, context or irony? If the audience recognizes the thing on the screen as being from another thing, they’ll slap their fins together! ‘Member Clockwork Orange? Oooh, I ‘member!
– Making fun of Twilight is like shooting fish in a barrel, it’s astonishing that the show can’t even handle mocking something that’s so so ripe for ridicule. Only the first two minutes or so are Twilight related, and the only thing they really “make fun of” is the scene where Edward stop the bus, which they turn into an endless segment where Edmund stops multiple vehicles in a row. Does repeating the same thing over and over count as a parody? There’s only one decent joke in the whole segment (“Let us move between the trees as a bat does: by jumping!”) The rest of it is just a bunch of nonsense: the Simpson family serving the vampires Ned Flanders’s carcass, which everyone besides Homer is just fine with, driving through the vampire district where they can trot out Simpson-ized versions of famous vampires, because references are jokes, and then the segment just ends with fat Homer bat falling to his death, with Lisa looking down from the bell tower with a disinterested expression for two seconds before we cut to credits. Oh, and there’s a random The Room reference for some reason, where they have Daniel Radcliffe say “You’re tearing me apart!” With no context. Why?

One good line/moment: At dinner, as Dracula Dad plays the trumpet, Homer dances with Santa’s Little Helper. It’s pretty adorable.