(originally aired January 7, 2001)
There are really only two season 12 episodes I can think of that were generally heralded as being great, and this is the first one. It certainly isn’t bad, but I’m not exactly thrilled about it. It was really grasping for an emotional push at the end and I just wasn’t on board, but I’ll get into that in a bit. Homer ends up losing all of his life savings to a bankrupt company, giving us our ten thousandth money-woes story. To save face this time, he agrees to be a guinea pig for science experiments, which gives us more opportunities for Dan Castellaneta to scream his head off. The scientists soon discover Homer’s limited intelligence is the result of a crayon lodged in his brain, and once they remove it, his IQ raises by a good fifty points. Now Homer’s a brainiac, and Lisa is thrilled to have more common ground with her father. The financial troubles plot is kind of dropped off here, which isn’t a huge deal, but perhaps a scene showing a newly smart Homer being more money conscious would have tied up that thread, and also showed another contrast between the dumb Homer we know and love.

Structure-wise, this episode is pretty solid and entertaining, but I kind of had some problems with it. First off, the crayon in the brain thing is kind of silly. It’s not overly ridiculous, but it felt like a little much. I kind of feel the idea of the Simpson gene from “Lisa the Simpson” makes more sense and is a more satisfying answer for Homer’s idiocy than this explanation. Second, there’s the resolution, which suffers a bit thanks to this plot line being done in one of the Simpsons comics I remember reading when I was younger. In that story, Professor Frink experimented on Homer to enhance his brain, and smarter Homer bonded with his daughter. Homer was miserable being smart, as he is in the episode, but wanted to go through a final, more permanent operation for his daughter’s sake. But Lisa stops him, not wanting to sacrifice his happiness just for her. That feels a bit more meaty than what we have here, which functioned more like the opposite. I can’t say Lisa is selfish in wanting to keep her dad smart since there’s really just one scene of Homer expressing his dissatisfaction. Maybe if they had had act one end with Homer becoming smart, they’d have more time, but overall, I think the comic really trumps the show in terms of emotional weight. I don’t know if that’s a good or bad thing.

The individual joke scenes save the episode from these comparisons though. The animation festival has some great bits, like the ridiculous over-the-top anime and the old-time Itchy & Scratchy commercial parodying the days when The Flintstones was sponsored by cigarette companies. I also love Animotion, if only because I’ve been working with motion capture animation for the last few weeks or so. Also great is the Julia Roberts movie “Love is Nice,” containing a laundry list of terrible rom-com cliches in about ten seconds. The audience is completely aghast when Homer reveals the incredibly obvious “twist” ending and expels him from the theater (“Point out your plot holes elsewhere!”) Following this is Homer’s hopeless quest for intelligence in town, but all he finds are “Smart People Not Welcome” signs and the Disney store. Though I kind of like it better when Futurama did it with Bender’s sobriety spree. It’s in “The Mysterious Voyage of Homer” too… Does anyone know what these scenes are a parody of? Anyway, not a bad episode, but not one I’d put on a pedestal as a shining beacon of a subpar season. Hopefully I can find one worthy of that title…

Tidbits and Quotes
– Springfield tops the title of Spike & Mike’s festival by calling theirs the “Sick, Twisted, F***ed-Up Animation Festival” (children half-price).
– The Flanders flock watching “Gravey and Jobriath” feels very ominous, with the cartoon being about blowing up Planned Parenthood. It’s the first time Ned’s been involved in parodying extremist religious types. It won’t be long before we have jokes about him being intolerant of gays, ultra-conservative, and just be an all-and-out religious nut instead of a kindly neighbor-eeno. Also, what happened to Todd thinking talking dogs are blasphemous?
– I like the voice-over artist coming under fire for his voices lifted from celebrities, similar to many of the classic Hanna-Barabara characters, and then of course the show pointing at itself for similar “crimes” with Professor Frink as Jerry Lewis.
– I feel obliged to say how the Animotion presentation makes no sense. The animated character’s eyes and mouth wouldn’t move since Homer has no sensors on his face. Also it wouldn’t capture his movement in the bathroom as I assume there’s no cameras rigged up in there. I sure hope someone got fired for these blunders.
– I hate the bit of Homer mimicking his wife and Lisa behind the plant at the bank, but I do like the casual way he returns back to the desk for his life savings (“Ah, yes, I see that it’s in bill form. Excellent.”) Later he goes to I.P.O. Friday’s at the mall (great name) to invest his cash. The broker asks if he understands the risk of stock ownership, which Homer responds he does, by which he means he’s imaging himself in a kick line singing “We’re in the Money” with King Kong behind them holding fistfuls of cash.
– Homer has a brilliant plan to solve their financial problem (“You rent your womb to a rich childless couple. If you agree, signify by getting indignant.” “Are you crazy? I’m not going to be a surrogate mother.” “C’mon, Marge, we’re a team. It’s uter-us, not uter-you.”)
– I think the flashback of li’l Homer shoving the crayons up his nose puts me off more than anything. How is he able shove up a dozen of them up there? Crayons are pretty long. It’s not so much disgusting as much as it seems like it would be incredibly painful.
– Here’s an instance where I actually like the casual way the show attempts to cover its ass vis-a-vis continuity with Hibbert’s random appearance and his explanation of why he never saw the crayon before (“You see, whenever I picked up an X-ray, I’d always hold it like this. His thumb falls right where the crayon would be. My thumb must’ve covered up the crayon every time. I’ll show myself out.”)
– Homer’s intelligence post-op is 105, which is pretty much average, yet he’s solving Rubick’s cubes and disproving the existence of God like a super genius. Maybe the gag is that it’s mind over matter, and if Homer thinks he’s a genius, then he is. Yeah, that works. Sure.
– Nice bit with Homer turning Nelson’s prank around on him (“A moron says what?” “Not being a moron, I wouldn’t know. However… [mumbles]” “What?” “Ladies and gentlemen, I give you your moron!”)
– “One groom? Two grooms? Oh, my medication!” is a line I’d quote a lot for some reason.
– Moe starts off act three being pissed at Homer (“I was a lot happier before I knew Dame Edna was a man. A lot happier!”) but then he agrees to operate him on the end. It’s not a big deal, though.

(originally aired December 17, 2000)
This is another one of those episodes that just kind of falls into the ether. There’s nothing terribly wrong with it, but there’s not much notable about it. The kids get snowed in the school, and eventually run wild? It’s kind of a base and simple idea with no real unique or interesting twist added to it. As such, there’s not a lot I can comment on, but I’ll try and scrounge up something. We have our select kids who chose or were forced to come to school on a big snow day, which explains why they’re all put in one class, so that’s fine. But we have a mix of the bullies and smart kids like Lisa and Martin, and the entire ending is about the school going under kid rule and them wrecking up the place. The more sensible thinkers either disappear, or the more minor characters show up in montages, like Allison for some reason accepting a mouthful of relish from Nelson. Maybe some more interplay between the kids regarding a plan of escape or their co-existence would be good, but then maybe it’d just be a rehash of “Das Bus.”

Before that we have Skinner’s feeble attempts to keep the kids in line, who are quickly beginning to challenge his authority. He’s then inspired by his old sergeant days in ‘Nam to take charge of the situation. He sits atop his old army chest, which is brazen with “S. Skinner,” and reminisces of the “good ol’ days.” Now either he stole the real Skinner’s chest, or perhaps this is from when Skinner re-enlisted in “Baaadasssss Song.” This is the first time since “Principal and the Pauper” that they’ve tried to bring up Skinner’s old past, and it definitely does feel a bit different. Certainly Skinner wouldn’t remember something that just didn’t happen. Or maybe he’s deluded himself to a point where he thinks he actually was Sgt. Seymour Skinner. Maybe that’s fodder for another episode, like Skinner has gotten so ingrained in the lie that he can’t distinguish himself and the persona anymore. I know this is a long, nonsensical tangent, but I honestly don’t have much to say on this episode.

The kid power havoc through the school is pretty much what you’d expect, and as such is not all that funny. Meanwhile, Homer and Flanders attempt to drive through the storm to rescue their kids. And wouldn’t you know that Homer is actually kind of a nice guy in this time of crisis? Just kidding, he’s still an asshole, somehow sawing off part of Ned’s roof to use as a plow blade, wrecking his car and insulting him at nearly every turn. Pretty rough stuff. Also, considering we have Ned to the rescue, why don’t we get anything from Rod and Todd? Even though we’ve seen them there a few times (including the opening titles), I always have a hard time remembered that Rod and Todd even go to Springfield Elementary. In this episode, they do appear in the background, but they don’t have one piece of dialogue. They just silently get into Ned’s car at the end. But then again, they certainly would clash with the havoc that goes on in act three. Maybe they could have been huddled with fear under a desk or something. I dunno. Anyway, am I done here? Looks like it. One of the most banal episodes ever.

Tidbits and Quotes
– There’s been a bizarre multi-season running gag with Homer holding up pennants for various events (or non-events, like in the last episode, he held a “Justice” flag in the courtroom.) I certainly didn’t laugh the first time they did it, and each future re-appearance has always left me scratching my head. Here we get a payoff of sorts in seeing Homer has a whole bin of pennants, as he swaps out “TV Sports” with “French Circus.”
– The Cirque de Puree is okay. There’s a few amusing bits, mostly from Marge, commenting on the obvious plant in the audience (“They always pick the guy with the wires”) and telling Homer that the contortionists are giving her ideas (mainly on how to become more efficient with housework.)
– It’s a quick bit, but I love the gag with seeing Captain McAllister hunkered down seemingly for the storm, but he reveals he was tied down as a prank by teenage pirates.
– I love the radio announcer jerking around the kids of Springfield regarding school closings (“The following schools are closed today: Shelbyville, Ogdenville, Ogdenville Tech, and Springfield ‘Elementary… My Dear Watson’ Detective School. And lastly, Springfield Elementary School… is open. And it’s open season on savings at Springfield Menswear… which is closed.”)
– “The Christmas That Almost Wasn’t But Then Was” feels like it should be a lot funnier. The show has done a lot of jokes about bad productions in the past that were way better. I do like the stagehand sheepishly trying to get out of frame though.
– We see a lot of establishing shots of the school in this episode, and up until the very end when the entire building is covered in snow, we see that the second floor windows are basically out in the open. While I don’t recall ever seeing people go upstairs in the school, there’s definitely a second floor, which everyone could have easily escaped out of. Then later when Skinner sends out the hamster ball for help, they’re on the second floor, and he squeezes him out through a hole the kids easily could have dug through. It feels like kind of a huge plot hole.
– Kent Brockman gives a report (“And where are the city’s snowplows? Sold off to billionaire Montgomery Burns in a veritable orgasm of poor planning.”) Guys… seriously, stop with the sex jokes. Stop it. And Burns playing indoor soccer with a snowplow? Very out-of-character and not funny.
– Homer knocks into a fire hydrant, which erupts, and then immediately the water freezes and encases the car with ice along with it. Is it below zero out there? The water froze in less than three seconds. Between this and the goddamn ending with the giant salt silo… I hate everything about the Homer and Ned segments.
– “Okay, Skinner, that’s the last time you’ll slap your Willie around. I quit!” Now that’s a good dirty joke! That works. One gold star for you, writers.
– It’s a small joke so I can hand wave it, but the bit with the permanent record page Milhouse rips up reattaches itself, puts itself back in the book and the shelves slam shut by themselves is a bit much.
– I like this exchange between Skinner and Nelson (“If you get me out of this, there’s a hall monitor position coming open in the spring.” “I spit on your monitors.” “I know. That’s why the position’s available.”)
– “You did it, Nibbles! Now, chew through my ball sack!” Again, writers, stop. Way too easy.

(originally aired December 10, 2000)
I’ve unfortunately begun to lower my expectations at this point. All I ask is a few simple things: that the story mostly makes sense from beginning to end, characterization is stable, and that it’s consistently amusing. This episode would have been somewhat safe had it not been for the terrible way it started and the terrible way it ended, almost like bullshit bookends. On their way home from a magic show, the Simpson car is struck by a sturgeon that plummeted from the sky, which we see had fallen off the dinner plate of orbiting cosmonauts. To repair the car will run a hefty sum, and that’s what drives Homer and Bart to become grifters. Now, the spark of this story is that Homer needs cash after a freak accident, which really could have been anything. Absolutely anything. The list of normal, believable things that could have happened is endless. You can even add onto that a whole bunch of other improbable, even near impossible things that could happen on this planet. But instead we have a giant fish falling from space. Forget that it would have incinerated in the atmosphere, but the force it must have been falling at would have virtually obliterated whatever it landed on. And then we see the cosmonauts in their station with the fucking cabin door open. Part of me feels like a big moaner for this, but honestly, all I ask is for this stuff to make a little sense.

Homer and Bart as con men isn’t the most honorable of plots for these two, but at least I somewhat buy it. And the absolutely improbable cause of their money woes actually helps their justification of bilking people for cash to pay off the car. Most of their cons and the scenes connecting them garnered more smirks than actual laughs, but I found myself enjoying it at least. Then we get into our third act. One last big score turns into a disaster as Homer and Bart are caught by an FBI agent, who soon reveals that he’s a fellow con man and makes off with Homer’s car and his cash. As a cover, Homer claims he was carjacked by a mysterious, shady character. A police manhunt tracks down mysterious, shady character Willie, and he is put on trial. Bart urges his father to tell the truth, but Homer wants to see how everything will play out. Willie is sentenced to ten years in jail and proceeds to go mental, grabbing Wiggum’s gun and taking a shot at Skinner. It’s at that point that Homer comes clean about his charade. But then it turns out that everybody in the entire town, plus the fake FBI agent, was all in on it, all stopping their lives on a dime to teach Homer and Bart a lesson. Lisa has an explanation, but is cut off so everyone can go surfing.

I had to write the ending out in its entirety because there are so many things… so many things wrong with it. First, who organized this plan? I’m supposing it’s Marge and Lisa, but we never saw a scene of her being knowing or even being suspicious about what Homer and Bart were up to. Next, they would have no idea how Homer would describe the alleged car thief, it just so happened to match with Willie. He could have said anything, but I guess they could have just picked out the Springfield resident that closely matched his description. But then later it’s revealed in a joke that Willie was not involved, so that makes no sense at all. Then we have Homer drawing out his confession until a man is shot and presumably killed. Had this not been an act, he would have been partially responsible for Skinner’s death. Then we have the interrupted final explanation, which is basically the writers unzipping their pants and pissing in our faces. They know that we know that they could have written a logical ending, and an explanation that made sense. Maybe they think they’re oh-so clever pointing out how they wrote themselves into a corner and couldn’t come up with a satisfying ending, and that by acknowledging it will absolve themselves. Well it doesn’t. It absolutely fucking doesn’t. It just further points out how this episode was bullshit. I actually think this third act is even worse than “Menace Shoes,” since at least there it was wacky and impossible from the very start. Here they make you think it’s going somewhere, then they pull the rug out from under the viewers and tell them to fuck themselves. Class act, guys.

Tidbits and Quotes
– We have Homer grow a magic pocket in his shirt to put his keys in, which we’ve seen them do before, but then the next scene we see he has a buttoned shirt on so they can do the beer gut gag. One clothing modification is fine, but two in a row is slightly pushing it. A bit nit-picky, yeah, but it’s just something I noticed.
– I actually really like drunk Marge (“I’ll do it! I always end up doing it!”) and her interplay with the magician. The monkeys wearing Marge dresses and pearls make as much sense as the ending, but they’re just a quick dumb gag and I was amused regardless. And how can you not love a magic finale involving someone emerging from a giant prop banana?
– A truly heartless moment of Homer deserting Bart at the boardwalk. Even though he constantly strangles him, I just don’t see him doing that, it feels too mean.
– I was slightly bothered that Marge acted so distant about the mischief her husband and son was up to (“Should I just back out of the room?” “Would you?”) until I realized that she was still drunk. Makes sense to me.
– More heartless Homer as he tries to con Flanders by means of a gilded Bible that Maude “ordered” for him. Pretty sick stuff.
– It’s such a nothing role, but I think Edward Norton gave it his all as the fake agent. He even gets to adapt two phony voices, one as the old man disguise, and as the actor Devon Bradley (“Character actor, dancer, singer… I’m a triple threat!”)
– The sad part is is that there’s a lot of pretty good jokes in the third act: Homer chloroforming himself to escape his snowballing lies, and his time at the stand (“I told you, my memory is fuzzy!” “Fuzzy like Willie’s beard?!” “Yes, exactly! No, no, I mean, the whole incident is hazy.” “Hazy like the moors of Scotland?!”) Then again, why didn’t Homer just plainly say that he’s sure Willie was not the man he saw, or claim he had another distinguishing characteristic? Perhaps he was too dim to think of it. But anyway, the point is that there were some amusing bits and some effective building tension that is completely squandered by the cop-out ending to end all cop-out endings. There definitely needed to be a twist beyond Homer and Bart simply learning a lesson for sure, but anything, anything would have been better than the ending we have here.

(originally aired December 3, 2000)
Where “Homer vs. Dignity” perfectly displayed how characterization has completely gone to shit, this episode does the very same to proper and sensible storytelling. So far we’ve seen a bumper crop of insane and absolutely dreadful plot twists. An impromptu trip to Scotland to find the Loch Ness monster. Homer and pals get their ship attacked by pirates. Jockeys are revealed to be actual elves. But no episode comes even close to the ridiculous and insulting third act we have here. It’s just bonkers, taking one more giant leap away from anything even slightly resembling reality on this show. We start with Homer finally entering the digital age and getting his very own computer, but because he’s a big dummy, he has no idea how to use it. Whether he’s dragging his new desktop behind his car or somehow believing it has the power for murder Flanders, this show is full of cringe-worthy Homer moments. He even comes up with his own web page, which is chock full of ripped-off animated gifs and sound bites. Annoying, but it’s one of the few things here I buy Homer would do.

To get more hits on his home page, Homer tries his hand at guerrilla journalism, exposing the questionable doings and misdoings of the citizens of Springfield. The story so far actually isn’t too shoddy, but every single scene is just Homer either being brain dead, inconsiderate, or just a complete dickhead. His anonymous moniker “Mr. X” is eventually awarded the Pulitzer Prize for God knows why, but while his secret identity is unknown, it’s decided the cash prize will go toward starving children. So Homer freaks out and insists that he’s Mr. X. I mentioned this in the last review, that bit was bad enough, but they even follow it up in the next scene with Marge (“I do feed bad about the starving children.” “They’re with God now.”) As he’s counting his money. Honestly, are the writers just trying their hardest to make Homer a flaming asshole? When he finds he can’t perform espionage as well now that he’s outed himself, Homer starts making up stories for his site, with one lie in particular that lands him in some hot water. Which leads us to our third act…

Homer is kidnapped and winds up on a mysterious island with other prisoners who are known only by number. They’re kept there because they “know too much,” and Homer finds that his seemingly made up story about flu shots being used for mind control was actually true. While he’s stuck on the island being gassed repeatedly, a decoy Homer with a thick German accent is sent to the Simpson home to keep the family none the wiser. Now, what can I possibly say about this? This whole act is a parody of The Prisoner, an old TV series I’ve never seen, and something the writers seem to hide behind when it comes to criticism of this episode, that people just don’t get the reference. Well, one, that’s a poor excuse, because a reference should work on its own even if you don’t know the source, and two, the parody should make sense within the show’s universe. Where the fuck is this island? Who is the organization running it? Who do they work for? What are their plans, and to what end? Why do they continually gas Homer? Why do the Simpsons accept the fake Homer when he’s clearly a fake? What the fuck is happening? It’s just so much nonsense crammed in at the very end. As if the episode wasn’t already awful enough, here’s the worst, most disjointed and out-of-left-field third act in the show’s entire history. Absolute shit.

Tidbits and Quotes
– Lenny and Carl are just driving past the plant together on their day off. Really, I liked it better when they were just casual chums who were Homer’s work mates and drinking buddies. They have separate lives. Or not, I guess. Next season we’ll see Lenny’s masterpiece Mount Carlmore. Which now that I read it like that also could double for a sex joke, alluding to their questionable sexuality. Goddammit…
– More feeble Burns with him fumigating the plant with a bug bomb. Seriously, why is he doing this?
– Quality moments are few and far between here, and that’s being generous. I like the Springfield Police Department website (“If you’ve committed a crime, and want to confess, click ‘Yes.’ Otherwise, click ‘No.’ You have chosen ‘No,’ meaning you’ve committed a crime, but don’t want to confess. A paddy wagon is now speeding to your home. While you wait, why not buy a police cap or T-shirt? You have the right to remain fabulous!”)
– What is with the bit with Bart confessing to carrying switchblades, assaulting cops and getting suspended? And he says he’s “just mad all the time,” then the very next scene he’s happily getting himself some cookies and milk. Just more bullshit scenes placed together with no rhyme or reason as to what happened before them.
– I don’t know if I’m just actively seeking out sex jokes because they’re becoming so common, but Comic Book Guy is scouring through porn sites, like Lady Triple-X, then comes across “Mr. X.” He ponders, and finally decides to “cross the final frontier.” Like, he’s exhausted every porn video he can think of, so now maybe it’s time to try jerking it to some dudes? Am I reading too much into the line? Because I actually thought it was amusing in that regard. And also the classic “There is no emoticon for what I am feeling!”
– Ah, the days you could make jokes about selling uranium to Middle Eastern terrorists (“You are a credit to the great Satan!” “Oh, pshaw!”)
– I don’t know why people couldn’t figure out who Mr. X was, considering the gag earlier of Homer’s picture loading quicker than the bag over his head on the site. Maybe Comic Book Guy has a particularly slow computer, as we’ve seen before.
– The fake Kwik-E-Mart bit is awful. We see the concrete siding to the left of the building, then later we see it was all in the back of a truck. Where the fuck was the truck? It wasn’t there! They could’ve hid it better, but they apparently could care less.
– Just quick observations about the third act, because I really just want to wipe this entire affair from my memory: the writers seemed to love seeing Homer get gassed, it makes no sense why any of the Simpsons would put up with the fake Homer, and we’ve got real Homer stealing the escape raft that took another prisoner decades to build. He shoves him out of the way and takes off with it, after he said it can fit two people. Again, this is our fucking protagonist. Why are they going to such great lengths to make me want to punch him in the face?