(originally aired May 19, 2002)
As of late, this show has seemed to be very unconcerned whether its stories contain little things like logic, or sense, or cohesion, or reason. Certain elements or plot turns in recent episodes are so baffling that the writers couldn’t have not noticed them. They must have figured they were funny and wanted you to laugh at them. But this is the motherfucking grand daddy of them all, the ultimate batshit insane episode, with a plot that is so convoluted and ridiculous, all leading up to the most insulting cop-out ending I’ve ever seen. So let’s jump right into this fuck fest. Homer buys Marge a koi pond, which ends up being the chosen habitat for an annoying little creature called the screamapillar (three guesses what it does.) An EPA agent informs the family they have to care for it, as it is an endangered species. How does he show up? He just appears out from behind a tree thinner than himself. This has happened previously with Fat Tony in “Grift of the Magi,” but at least there, it worked a little since Tony is a shady character waiting for opportunity to rear its head. The EPA agent just shows up in the backyard, and then shows up again landing with a giant fucking helicopter in the middle of the night. Who is this guy? What is happening?

Homer accidentally crushes the annoying bug, and ends up serving community service doing Meals on Wheels. On the job, he builds a relationship with kindly old lady Mrs. Bellamy, who quickly turns on a dime, becoming an emotionally manipulative woman who makes Homer and Marge into her servants. This makes no sense, and it happens so suddenly since there’s so much shit to cram into this episode. She calls Homer at work for a favor, then the next scene we see he’s been run ragged, Marge goes to talk with her and she exposes her true colors. Then all of a sudden Homer and Marge are in fucking maid outfits in her house. Why? They initially don’t want to be rude to this nice old lady, but it soon became very clear that she’s a using bitch, so what’s keeping them there? One night, Mrs. Bellamy is stabbed, and Homer and Marge witness the killer escaping. But with the old lady’s will having been recently changed to leave them her inheritance, they are quickly made top suspects. After killing time with Homer abusing the fact that people think he’s a murderer, police search the Simpson house, and after finding Mrs. Bellamy’s diamond necklace, Homer and Marge are arrested.

So here’s the thing. As far as this episode goes with this, the audience knows Homer and Marge won’t be put to death, or get life in prison. No matter what, nothing bad is gonna happen. We know this, but on the flip side of the same coin, the characters don’t know this. Think back to “One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish,” where Homer thought he was going to die, and it’s treated with a tone to match, but still managed to be hilarious and fantastic. Here, Homer doesn’t seem the least bit worried about anything, since he’s being his wacky cartoon self. The only point in which he gets serious is on the walk to the electric chair, though really only because they wanted to do a Green Mile parody. The foreman of the jury cracks a joke with Judge Snyder, the Catholic priest and Lovejoy have a fist fight, Homer pressures his wife to have sex between prison bars… the story isn’t treated with a lick of seriousness or care whatsoever. If none of the characters are concerned about their situation, then why should we be? But here comes the ending. Homer’s in the electric chair, the switch is thrown… and it turns out it was all a ruse, as the whole thing was being filmed for a wacky FOX reality show, “Frame-Up.” And nobody knew about it. The questions are endless: how did no one notice any cameras? What kind of magic body suit did Carmen Electra wear to make her look like an old woman? Did FOX infiltrate the police force and the jury system to get the desired results for their program? And on top of that, wouldn’t Homer, Marge and everyone else have to sign agreements allowing FOX to use their likenesses on television? After this whole charade, you think anyone would be receptive to that? They’d have shot all that footage, wasted all that time, all for shit they can’t use. BUT maybe it could have worked. The episode would have been just as insulting, but they could have had Homer decry the producers for manipulating with people’s lives like he does here, then when one of them shoves a contract under his nose saying he’ll be on TV, he signs up immediately. They kind of do that with Wiggum, but in the capacity of explaining how bullshit the ending was and try to sweep it under the rug. But with Homer, it would work since he was the most affected. Instead we’ll just have him stare at Electra’s breasts. Hysterical. Mind-numbingly awful from start to finish, I hereby dub thee the newest worst episode ever.

Tidbits and Quotes
– When Lenny and Carl ask him for advice on marriage, Homer rattles off some joke answers off the top of his head (“Surprise her with a pasta salad! Put a mini beret on your wang!”) And now that’s all I can picture… Goddammit.
– All the screamapillar stuff is so annoying. I mean, outside the screaming. It’s such a convoluted and stupid way to get Homer doing community service. But then you think about the ending and think, well, did FOX plant the screamapillar there to get the ball rolling? At what point did this whole plot begin? Then I stop thinking about it because my head hurts. Then the bug appears in court with a neck brace, and again at Homer’s execution, laughing hysterically. Because of course bugs can do that. Fuck. I did like Homer being charged with “attempted insecticide and aggravated buggery,” a nice sort of subtle dirty joke for once.
– Homer’s stuck doing Meals on Wheels. First up, the home of Crazy Old Man. Except he lives in the Retirement Castle, right? Well, why should we come up with a new old person character to use in a twenty second scene when we can use one of our regulars? Nobody will notice. Or care. And if you do, then you can suck it.
– The first act break is the biggest fucking cheat. Homer hides in the closet and finds a skeleton there. An actual, physical skeleton. Then after the break, Bellamy reveals it’s just a costume, a shirt and pants set with a skeleton just painted on. But it was an actual fucking skeleton. We just saw it. People watch this shit before they put it on the air, right? And Bellamy using a gigantic axe to cut through her steak is pretty insulting. What about a big knife? Just… whatever.
– Mrs. Bellamy is voiced by Cloris Leachman, and then later the character is revealed to actually be Carmen Electra, who not only is wearing the world’s most convincing prosthetics, but deserves an in-universe Emmy for her work here. She sounds just like that old lady! Now, here’s a thought. Why couldn’t they have gotten an actress who can be well-known, but is also someone who can do a convincing old lady voice. That way when you do your ridiculous reveal, at least I can meet you halfway. But no, that’s too much work, let’s just do more stunt casting.
– The scene where Homer gets Burns to cover for him is just dreadful. Burns as a character is essentially dead to me. Who was once a convincing and compelling villain is now just a cheap joke, much like every other character now.
– Even the simple jokes don’t make sense anymore. Marge informs Homer of the chores he hasn’t finished, like filling up the aquarium. We see the fish tank is overflowing with a fish clinging on for dear life. So, no one could have just turned off that hose? Ridiculous.
– Mrs. Bellamy has some guests over for an old lady get-together: Agnes Skinner, Mrs. Glick and the wealthy dowager. Again, we’ll just use all the old ladies we have at our disposal, regardless of what sense it makes. Bellamy is openly a mean old witch at this point. Agnes makes sense to be there, and maybe even the dowager, but kindly old Mrs. Glick laughing derisively at Skinner? I don’t see it.
– Exposing Wiggum’s pathetic attempts at interrogation, Homer contently says, “Book ’em, Lou!” So Lou puts Wiggum in handcuffs and leads him out. This is fucking crap, Lou’s supposed to be the competent cop, why is this happening?
– Every scene here makes no sense. Here’s a perfect example. At Moe’s, everyone is talking about how shocked they are at Homer being a murderer. Homer walks in, haphazardly saying he’d “kill” for a beer. Seeing Moe quickly and nervously give him one, he decides to abuse this privilege and get more stuff out of fear. Now this is an alright set-up, albeit a little dickish from Homer, but it works because it comes from the characters acting somewhat genuine. Then we have this (“Give me some peanuts!” “Ah, ah! You didn’t say you’d kill me!”) Now that the writers have made the characters acknowledge the bit, the scene is ruined, since it’s not real anymore. This happens all the time. Is it that hard to understand?
– Wiggum personally searches through all of Marge’s underwear, so I guess he’s a pervert now. I don’t like that.
– I briefly mentioned all the shit leading up to the ending, and the ending itself, and I really don’t feel like talking about it anymore. It’s really the biggest middle finger the writers have ever given to the audience, like “The Great Money Caper” times a thousand. But before that, we have the only good bit in the entire episode, where Wiggum tells a scared Homer who’s strapped in the electric chair (“Chin up, Homer. We gotta put an electrode there to ground the brain stem. Thank you.”) The only laugh I got this whole episode. One small pearl in a sea of shit, I guess.

(originally aired May 12, 2002)
There seemed to be potential in this premise, but ultimately it went unfulfilled, thanks to some lapses in logic and an unusually irrelevant third act. And a padded B “plot” didn’t help either. In order to not fail gym, Lisa must take athletic classes with an outside coach. Here we get the return of Coach Lugash, who is hands-down the best thing in this episode. I love Dan Castallaneta’s loud, boisterous read as he’s screaming at little girls that they’re going to be killed by poisonous snakes. I’m all for yelling at children, it’s comedic gold. So Lisa is in class with two other girls, who she discovers have intellectual hobbies just like her, and then finds out they’re actually both in college. Now, Lisa’s eight years old, let’s say she’s around four foot? These other girls are maybe about a foot taller than her, so I guess they could pass for extremely petite adults. But them mistaking Lisa, a child, as a college student? I just don’t see it. Plus, in the class, Lisa asks Lugash if she’ll be able to pass gym with the girls standing right there. The fact that she is in elementary school had to come up at some point during all of this. It’s a big leap, but strangely not the worst of this episode’s issues.

So Lisa starts passing herself off as a college student to keep her new friends, sneaking off during school to assimilate herself on campus. She also sit in on lectures, which also is possible. But then they make jokes that the one girl cheated off Lisa’s test and that she got sixteen credits, how is that possible? She’s not registered for any classes, she wouldn’t be able to do that. Maybe since I’m sure Springfield University isn’t the most stable institution, she managed to trick some teachers into getting her name on their attendance sheets or something. But that would have been interesting and amusing to see! Instead we have time filler with Bart in a plastic bubble, a temporary health measure when he contracts panda virus from a Chinese mosquito. Then it just becomes a goofy cartoon, with various over-the-top gags involving the bubble. Bart is embarrassed by the bubble in the first scene, but then after that he’s as cocky as ever, and even has developed a catch phrase for himself as new savior for nerds on the playground. All in all, it’s more time I wish we had devoted to the Lisa story, as it actually had… y’know, a purpose.

Milhouse notices Lisa sneaking out during recess, and he, Martin and Database follow her. They find her in a lecture hall and call her out on being a kid, exposing her charade to everyone, including Lisa’s new friends. This is the end of act two. At this point, this feels like “Summer at 4 Ft. 2,” where Lisa gets new friends pretending to be someone she’s not, and in the end she must be true to herself, and that’s what her friends liked about her in the first place. So do we see the two girls in the third act? Nope. It doesn’t really matter, since they’re not even characters. But one scene of them maybe still being bitter and not wanting to hang out with a kid would have been worth it. Does Lisa feel vindictive toward Milhouse for ruining her ruse? Nope. So what is the third act? Lisa feels ostracized from the other kids at school and wants to fit in again. Now, when did she ever fit in to begin with? Lisa’s an outcast from everyone else, that’s her role in the show. She never was accepted at the school before. So Bart lends Lisa his bubble to play a prank on Skinner and she’s celebrated by the kids, and everything is alright. What? Now, this might have worked if actually set this up. Maybe it’s like “Lard of the Dance” where Lisa realizes she has so many short years to stay a kid and decides to indulge in childish pranks and hold off on college for a while, and then the ending would make sense. But instead, it’s all from Lisa’s sadness of kids mocking her for being smart, which they already did all the time. This episode could have been worthwhile, but ultimately ended up kind of… shit.

Tidbits and Quotes
– I’m not sure if we saw Mrs. Pommelhorst before this, but I kind of like the character, a burly, butch, no nonsense gym teacher with a Tress MacNeille voice I can stomach. Later the writers thought it would be hysterical to make multiple jokes about how she was getting a sex change. Get it? Because if you’re a woman and you seem really masculine, that means you want to get a sex change!
– To convince her to take Lugash’s class, Lisa has a hallucination of meeting President Kennedy, convincing her that athletics are just as important as academics. It’s a very confusing and pointless sequence, with the only joke being that Kennedy is in hell, I guess. Scathing!
– I love the design of the Krusty poster in the Chinese sweat shop. The sweat shop itself is a bit of an easy joke though.
– Lugash’s explanation of Lisa’s aerodynamic qualities is great (“God give you greatest gift: big head! Like beach ball made of bone! Gives you perfect balance! See you tomorrow! Rest your giant head!”)
– Robert Pinsky guest stars and does a fine job, although I think I like the material of the emcee introducing him better (“Now open your minds for the Coltrane of the quatrain, the Tony Danza of the AB stanza!”)
– Lisa comes to campus to find it completely deserted. Turns out everyone’s taking Anthro 101: Passive Analysis of Visual Iconography. The class just watches Itchy & Scratchy cartoons, and projects their own messages and meanings to them (“It show show the depletion of our natural resources has pitted our small farmers against each other.” “Yes, and birds go tweet. What else?”)
– I’m surprised they brought back Lisa’s gymnast skills to get her up the tree, and that they even merged the two stories at all in the end. And it all might have worked if they set it up in a way that made sense for Lisa.
– In the end, we get this golden gem from Ralph (“Look! It’s Lisa! And she’s winning us back!”) I can’t express how much I hate this line. Combined with the nonsensical third act turn, it being Ralph saying it, and the completely insincere nature of the line… it’s awful. It may be my least favorite line in the whole series, though there are probably others that are worse. What’s your least favorite line ever? Send me a message at idontgiveacrap@whocaresyoustupiddipshitasshole.net. Just kidding. Just post a comment.

(originally aired May 5, 2002)
Funny how we got two John Swartzwelder episodes in a row, with the last one being surprisingly sharp, and this one being… well, the exact opposite. This series has handled the delicate premise of infidelity before in such great episodes as “Life in the Fast Lane” and “The Last Temptation of Homer,” but in this show, Apu actually does commit and have an affair. It’s not so much about the emotional connections Homer and Marge had with others as it is Apu getting his rocks off. It’s a different kind of story, but with serious ground to cover. However, this episode is not interested in any of that. The story is treated as callously as possible to make stupid jokes and wrap itself up in a nice status quo bow as clumsily and illogically as possible. There’s a lot I hate about this episode, so let’s begin. One late night, Homer witnesses a shocking sight: Apu canoodling with the Squishee machine vendor after hours in the back room. Marge eventually gets the information out of him, and tells Homer he needs to tell Apu what he saw. Eventually Manjula finds out, and files for divorce soon after.

So there’s not much story here, but that’s fine because it’s dealing with a serious issue that has a lot of avenues to explore between the two characters involved… oh wait, we gotta cram the Simpsons into every frame, right? They’re all over Apu and Manjula’s lives. Where the hell is Sanjay? But surprisingly, I was more annoyed with Marge here than Homer, who spends the whole episode meddling and manipulating to get things to go the way she sees fit. I reminded me of Buck McCoy in “The Lastest Gun in the West” when she injected herself into his affairs. It’s a bit different here since Apu and Manjula are friends of theirs, but her actions go from normal concern to abrasively rude and pushy for reasons that escape me. When Kirk and Luann got divorced, at her own party, no less, Marge lamented and stood by Luann as a “friend” like a normal human being. Here, she’s made it her life’s mission to get Apu and Manjula back together. She randomly appears in their apartment, having trained the octuplets to plead for their father back, which is a one-off gag that has some severely creepy undertones to it. She also has her kids dressed in a crude Ganesh costume commanding them to get back together, which she refers to as “this thing.” How unbelievably offensive must that be to them? I can see Homer dressing up like him and being a buffoon at their wedding, but for Marge to do this? She should have more sense.

Characters continue to act weirdly, and combined with callous jokes about suicide and sex puns, it really detracts from any serious intentions this episode ever even thought about covering about adultery. I have no idea if they wanted this to be treated with any kind of seriousness whatsoever, because the episode is completely aloof from beginning to end. The biggest indicator is the ending: to come back home and be “forgiven,” Apu must perform a list of tasks for Manjula, which are all jokes, like changing his name to “Slime Q. Slimedog,” and performing My Fair Lady with the octuplets. Why should I even bother? But that also presents us with a telltale scene. I’m sure there are others just like it, but it rung completely false and awful with me, and indicative of problems we’ve seen and problems we will continue to see as seasons go on. After the performance of Lady, we have this exchange between Homer, Lisa and Bart (“It was magic. He took a cockney flower girl and turned her into My Fair Lady!” “I liked all the roles filled by minority actors.” “Why, I didn’t even notice!”) Those three would never say these lines. These are lines that were written, and then just given to the characters. Even if they were saying it all jokingly, it wouldn’t play right. But that’s what this show is now, characters aren’t really speaking lines that feel true to themselves, they’re just spewing jokes and one-liners that don’t feel the least bit natural. And when you’re doing an episode about a serious subject like infidelity, dialogue like that really stands out, especially when the whole episode is full of it. This episode sucks, big time.

Tidbits and Quotes
– This is a nice exchange, and feels like classic bonehead Homer (“Are you sure you don’t want to come, Apu? In a Civil War re-enactment, we need a lot of Indians to shoot!” “…I don’t know which part of that sentence to correct first, but I cannot come.”)
– The Squishee Lady is voiced by… go on, guess! …Tress MacNeille. Is she the only voice actress on the planet now?
– The Civil War re-enactment doesn’t really have any laughs, though I kind of like how they comment how absurd it is in concept (“The Second Battle of Springfield was fought by the North, the South, and the East, to keep Springfield in, out of, and next to the Union respectively.”)
– The end of the first act with Homer walking backwards stunned goes on for faaaaar too long. Then they do it again at the very end with Homer on the ladder, after he had just been spying on Apu and Manjula having sex. When did he become a creepy stalker? First Flanders, now Apu? What a lovable perverted scamp that Homer is.
– The bit during badminton with the repeated sex slang terms might have been amusing, except they bash you over the head with setting it up and pointing at it. Marge comments how they have their game the next day, and very directly points out, “Oh, I hope no one makes any double entendres!” Thanks for setting that up, Marge! Then after every line, they cut to Homer and Marge doing the Charles Nelson Reilly collar tug. Couldn’t they have just let it play? Or do we think the audience is stupid and won’t notice unless we illuminate it with a big sign?
– I’m really not sure why Marge cares for goddamn much about this situation, to the point that she’s sitting on the couch crying watching Apu and Manjula’s wedding tape. She must have known other couples who have broken up in the past, who acts like this other than a crazy person?
– I don’t understand the gag with Homer wanting to involve Krusty in everything. More bizarre, out-of-character “jokes.”
– Instead of giving her any semblance of a personality, the Squishee Lady is just a hot girl who’s down to fuck. I guess that’s okay for what she represents for the story though. The “Do Me” licorice thing was kind of dumb and crass.
– My favorite bit in the episode is Apu’s poorly disguised cover when Manjula asks if he’s hiding anything in bed, it’s just a great performance by Hank Azaria (“How can you even accuse me of repeated infidelity! I’m so angry I could just fall asleep!”) Then he fakes sleeping, muttering “Completely innocent” under his breath. But then later on the convenience tape, it’s played too far, with Apu during sex doing a Johnny Carson “Mmmm, that’s good adultery!” What’s that about?
– The Inside the Actor’s Studio bit with James Lipton is pretty good, except it feels like complete padding.
– Why the fuck would Homer and Marge need to tell the kids about Apu and Manjula’s separation? Why would they need to know? Or care? It’s just another desperate excuse to try to shoehorn the Simpsons into this story of which they don’t belong.
– Oh, and an overused Homer quote that I’m tired of, is when he goes into his low voice after a proclamation and goes, “And if they [blank]…” “Yeah! ‘Cause if they don’t…” “How much sex will be involved? ‘Cause if it’s some…” Enough already…
– I get the feeling that the writers don’t like lawyers. Maybe it’s the grossly cartoony lawyer at the start of act three that tipped me off, who laughs maniacally and dances atop his desk in devilish glee. What a pathetic attempt at “commentary.” Were a lot of the writers going through divorces at this time?
– I guess Marge is a pervert now too, wanting desperately to go to a strip club with Manjula. Like husband, like wife, I guess…
– Manjula walks in on Apu with a noose around his neck. Her response? “Oh, Apu, you’re such a drama queen.” That’s right folks, people with suicidal tendencies? They’re just being dramatic. What a bunch of whiners, amiright?
– The whole third act is garbage. Apu completes Manjula’s stupid inane tasks, he moves back in with her, the two of them are fine, the end. It couldn’t feel any less sincere or meaningful. Or funny.