(originally aired February 2, 2003)
I started out dreading this one immediately, because all I could remember is it involved a roided-up muscular Marge pumping with insane rage. But shockingly, contained within the first two acts of this episode is an actually serviceable and satisfying story about Marge overcoming her anxieties. Then they had nowhere to go and slapped on one of the most ridiculous and uncomfortable plot turns ever. We start at a yard sale prompted by Rainier Wolfcastle filing for bankruptcy, where Homer picks up his original weight set, thinking it may go up in value. On her way home alone, Marge stops at the Kwik-E-Mart to change Maggie, but is accosted by a mugger in the alleyway, who grabs the pearls off her neck and flees. Marge is understandably shocked by this, and soon after develops a severe case of agoraphobia. There’s a nicely animated sequence of Marge unable to leave the front stoop into the whirling, dangerous vortex that is the outside world.

What works here is that for the large part, Marge’s condition is treated seriously, with Homer and the kids acting genuinely worried about her and trying to help her get back into the world. Eventually Marge becomes so far gone she takes up living in the basement. The scene of Homer finding his wife nervously hunched in a corner down the stairs is pretty disconcerting. I was surprised how on-the-level they kept this story, but then I guess it’s hard to crack as many jokes when it’s at Marge’s expense. With nothing else to do, Marge takes up weightlifting, and by a few weeks, she starts to get pretty bulked up and a renewed sense of energy, so much so that she runs outside to get a lemon without a second thought. I really like the shot where she’s standing outside frozen, finally processing what she just did, overcoming her fears without even realizing it. Her triumphant run through Springfield is cut short when she encounters the mugger, who she proceeds to beat the shit out of, Godfather style. So there you go, the main catalyst of the episode has been dealt with, Marge is cured and the story is basically over, let’s go home, everybody. …wait, we have seven minutes left?

All the good will earned by the first two acts is dragged down an awful lot by the third. Marge encounters her old neighbor Ruth Powers on the beach, who encourages her to enter a bodybuilding competition, with some performance enhancing “assistance.” Now, it doesn’t make sense for her to want to compete in anything, and as a PTA mother, she would never, ever take drugs, ever. Her walk on the wild side with Ruth in “Marge on the Lam” actually made sense given the backstory, and that she was mostly dragged along for it, but this is like apples and oranges. Plus, Ruth is barely in this episode, and she basically doesn’t matter here. So Marge roids it up and becomes a hulking, scary mountain of a woman, who ends up destroying everything and everyone in Moe’s after winning second place in the competition. A genuinely fear-struck Homer tells her how much she wants her sweet, caring Marge back, which permeates her drug-addled brain, leading her to dispose of her barbells. Except they were never the problem, it was the steroids. There’s actually a really solid story here in the first two acts, but then everything goes to shit in the end when they have nowhere to go. A promising, but ultimately sloppy episode.

Tidbits and Quotes
– The Eye on Springfield opening is kind of depressing. It’s recycled from an older episode (season 3, I think?), and it’s been used a few times, but here it starkly contrasts with the newer animation, and the new bits they added aren’t even jokes. Kent washes his car. Kent bites into a sandwich and the contents fall out. Okay?
– I kind of like Homer filling up his car Tetris-style, but that’s basically it for the whole beginning. Besides that we have him eating a sword and Rainier’s past in gay porn. I’m guessing that’s a Schwarzenegger reference, did he act in gay porn? I dunno.
– The little Kwik-E-Mart play the family sets up is pretty cute. And I liked how Milhouse acted as the robber, but seemingly of his own volition. Bart probably told him about it and decided it would be a funny prank, not realizing how devastating the situation actually is.
– The episode plays Marge’s condition fairly straight, save Hibbert’s slightly antagonistic speech to her, and this rough line she gives (“What to do now… too crazy to go outside, not crazy enough to have imaginary friends.”)
– I really don’t have anything to say about Ruth’s reappearance. She just kind of shows up with barely a mention of where she’s been or where her daughter is. She’s basically the episode’s excuse to get a friendly face to convince Marge to do the steroids. And since Marge really has no friends, they had to drag Ruth back out again.
– “Man, what am I smoking? …oh right, pot.” And with that, any semblance of subtlety in Otto’s character is lost forever. From this point on, he’s just a guy who takes drugs. Lots of drugs. Let’s do a bunch of drug jokes, we can get away with them now! Yeah!
– By the time we get to the bodybuilding competition, I have no idea what I’m watching. It all feels so completely alien to me. I get that Marge has completely whacked out on ‘roids, but I still don’t buy she would do this at all in the first place. Then she brutally beats up everyone in the bar, in a manner that many of them must be seriously injured, or possibly even killed. She smashes the record player over Disco Stu’s head, he must have some sort of brain damage now (“Disco Stu should have Disco Ducked!”) Then the ending is so fucking serious, with Marge still in a rage and Homer nervously trying to calm his wife down with maudlin music in the background… Jesus Christ, a few scenes earlier we were making jokes about buffed up women, now it’s a drama all of a sudden. I really hate this third act, it’s awful all around.
– I think I’ve covered just about everything. …oh wait, one more thing, in this episode, Marge rapes Homer. Yep. She rapes him. And it’s played off as comedy, because as we all know, rape isn’t a thing if it’s female-on-male. A muscular Marge accosts Homer in bed (“Let’s do it!” “Listen, my bulky flower, I have an early day tomorrow…” “I wasn’t asking.”) Next scene we see Homer at the kitchen table, clearly sore and out of sorts with a glazed look in his eyes. Just terrible. I can’t believe they did this. Now I’m a big fan of dark comedy, and I’ve laughed at some pretty horrid shit, but when it comes to joking about really severe topics, context and delivery are absolutely key, and can make or break your gag. So what’s happening in the scene? Homer is nervous and whimpering, being pinned down by his buff wife, then we cut to the next day of him barely being able to walk. So yeah, the joke is that Marge had rough, raw sex with him against his will, so much so that he’s having trouble moving. That’s fucking terrible. Hands down the most terrible, tasteless joke the show has ever, ever done. If anyone has the DVD and could tell me what the crew says about this part on the commentary, if anything, I’d be interested how they could possibly defend this deplorable “joke.” I’m sure it’ll go something like this: someone will off-hand say that possibly it was in poor taste, then they’ll all laugh about it.

(originally aired January 12, 2003)
Most Homer/Lisa episodes are set into motion when Homer realizes that he’s done wrong by his daughter, then goes into overdrive to try to make it up to her. A recent episode like “Make Room For Lisa” doesn’t work because Homer ruins Lisa’s life, then continues to be a dick to her. But in this show, he goes to the most extreme, borderline ridiculous measures to win his daughter back, and that’s what makes this episode work. It’s a pretty solid show, with laughs interspersed and an unusual amount of heart, a true surprise given the seemingly never-ending stream of clunkers this season. Lisa asks for a new TurboDiary for her birthday, which Homer attempts to get, but the toy store is sold out. As a replacement gift, he gets her a personalized video, a real shoddy production where a kid’s photo and voice-over are thrown over crappy animation, except Homer completely fumbles the “personalized” part, claiming Lisa’s best friend is Maggie and her favorite book is “magazine.” Lisa is crestfallen that her father barely knows her at all, and Homer is depressed that he’s let his daughter down. Wow, actual believable emotions? It’s almost like I’m watching The Simpsons or something.

Homer is a man always after the quick fix, so rather than let this incident blow over and slowly build back his relationship with Lisa, he goes to a private detective to get as much information about his daughter he can find (on Moe’s recommendation, “He can learn more about a chick by digging through one garbage can than you could through years of intimacy.”) Dexter Colt is your traditional film noir detective type (“It’s always a dame, usually with gams that don’t quit. Until they get to the shoes, and then they’re only napping.”) There’s no denying this plot is incredibly silly, with Colt breaking into school lockers and trying to shake down the likes of Skinner and Ralph, but it’s a silliness I can accept and appreciate. Homer receives a full report on Lisa, which he uses to win her over, listening to classic jazz and attending an animal right’s protest. You can see how much Homer wants his daughter back, he’s willing to do these things that he’d normally moan loudly about in a “comical” fashion. Unfortunately, it turns out Colt is a big mooch, charging a myriad of personal expenses to Homer’s tab. The episode wonderfully lampshades this (“I can’t believe a man who agreed to follow my daughter around, for money, would turn out to be a dirtbag!”)

As retaliation for Homer not paying him, Colt trashes the animal testing facility, leaving clues there to incriminate Lisa. When the police close in on her, Homer and Lisa make a break for it. In a sweet, brief plot turn, Homer attempts to make going on the lam be a fun father/daughter activity, putting on disguises and being covert. But he soon realizes he can’t lie to Lisa forever, and tells her to the truth about Colt, which Lisa is understandably upset about. The police track them down again, and Homer and Lisa end up at a circus, where they find all the freed tested animals. Another thing I commend this episode for is how tight it is; the first act with the tape sets the story in motion, then everything that happens afterward is all critical. Colt gave the cops probable cause that Lisa is the culprit not only because of her stuff there, but also because she was interviewed on TV at the protest, and now we see Colt is a sneaky opportunist who’s made some extra money selling the animals to the circus. After a quick showdown, Colt is incapacitated and Homer and Lisa reconcile, a rather quick and rusty one, but it works well enough. With a few rough edges, this episode is actually pretty good, and shockingly heartwarming given the phony emotion we’ve had over the last few seasons.

Tidbits and Quotes
– An incredibly deshelved (and possibly hung over) Krusty appears on the MTV Cribz knock-off “Padz” to show off his spacious estate (“Here’s the recliner where Don Adams and Shelley Winters made beautiful music together. It should be in a museum, but the museums don’t want it.”)
– I like how the TurboDiary is a product of GirlTech, a subsidiary of the much more in-your-face BoyTech.
– Homer arrives at the toy store to find their last TurboDiary has been sold… to Mr. Burns. What?
– The personalized movies are really pathetic, but in an intentional way. The stock music that starts and cuts out, the poorly cropped photo of the kid, how the parent’s voice is just slapped over the narration… it’s perfect.
– I like how annoyed Marge is at Homer for getting the video instead of the diary. She builds it up as this big present to her daughter from her parents, then is rightfully pissed that her husband fucked it up.
– Homer gives Colt his email: chunkylover53@aol.com. Writer Matt Selman opened this account and for a while responded to emails as Homer, but soon quit when he became flooded with messages. I can’t remember if I emailed him or not… I think I may have.
– Homer receives his report and is surprised by its contents (“Lisa’s pet peeve is… phonies? I thought she loved them!”) Who does she think she is, Holden Caulfield?
– The animal rights protest chant is pretty great (“What do we want?” “The gradual phase-out of animal testing over the next three years!” “When do we want it?” “Over the next three years!”)
– I like how they actually did make Colt kind of an asshole, rather than have Homer refuse to pay for something stupid and having Colt go after him. Homer’s complaints are completely valid (“A forty dollar steak?” “Yeah, but if I’d eaten the whole thing, it would’ve been free.”)
– The police chase Homer and Lisa to a bridge, where a sign reads “BRIDGE OUT.” But Lou removes the rest of the shrubbery to reveal the whole thing: “Bridge Outstanding!” – Overpass Monthly.
– Homer and Lisa check into the Three Seasons Motel with fake names: Lady Penelope Ariel Ponyweather, and Rock Strongo. The clerk sees through Homer’s fake name, until he provides Lance Uppercut. These two fake names I’ve been using as Internet handles on various websites for years.
– I love Homer and Marge’s disguised phone call, as well as Homer’s phony voice (“Hello, this is a phone survey. If the election were held today, would you vote for A) the cops are there, or B) you’re free to talk?” “Uh, A, and I’d like to add proposition Hug Lisa for Me has my full support.”)
– The only thing I really hate about this episode is some of the dialogue in the third act, just really terrible lines seemingly to inform viewers who just tuned in (“Dexter Colt! The man who framed my daughter!” “Perhaps you also remember this laser pointer Bart gave me earlier!”)
– I even like the tag at the end with Bart getting Homer shocked by the TurboDiary, just because it’s a great Bart prank and Homer is completely unsuspecting about it, despite having been shocked by the same book earlier. Wow, this episode even made a gratuitous bit of Homer getting hurt funny.

(originally aired January 5, 2003)
For the most part, the citizens of Springfield hate their jobs. They might have had passion at one point early in their careers, but the magic is gone now and they dread trudging into work each day. This is especially the case at Springfield Elementary. I’m sure Mrs. Krabappel went into the industry hoping to enrich children’s lives and make a difference, but at this point she’s as eager for school to be dismissed as the students. An episode about reinvigorating her love of teaching and exploring why she got into it in the first place could be an interesting character study. Or, we could not do that, and have Mrs. K be Teacher of the Year for no reason. Why not? Combined with this is the awkward reintroduction to the Krabappel/Skinner relationship, where we see Skinner being a pathetic toadying mama’s boy is holding him back from being with Edna. Now, he’s always been loyal and had very little backbone to Agnes, but we’ve also seen in many episodes that she really gets under his skin and would love to escape if he could. Here he’s just sad, copping to every one of Agnes’s whims. That’s basically all that happens in the first two acts, Skinner is about to do something or say something sweet about Edna, then his mother interrupts. We’ll repeat that four times to make sure everyone understands.

So who nominates Krabappel for Teacher of the Year? Why, Bart, of course, who for some goddamn reason has gotten chummy and empathetic towards his teacher. When he sees Skinner cancel their date, he feels bad and offers to go out with Krabappel instead. Why? We’ve seen Bart try to mend fences with Krabappel in the past, like in “Bart the Lover” or “Grade School Confidential,” but only as a result of something he did to slight her. He felt responsible and wanted to make things right again. Here he just randomly asks her out for no reason, then feels bad about her and Skinner for no reason, and submits her for Teacher of the Year… for no reason. And she’s nominated! Never mind that Springfield Elementary sucks and the test scores from Edna’s class, and the entire school, must be dreadful, but she gets the nomination when the judges are shocked that she’s dealt with Bart, “the devil in the blue pants.” Who of course they know about. I guess that’s the gag, except it makes no sense for them to know about “the legend” that is Bart. Whatever.

The plot here is so thin, there’s not much more to mull over. The Simpsons attend the Teacher Awards at EFCOT Center in Orlando, where we take a break from the non-story to take some shots at Disney World, one of the very few good parts of the episode, probably because I’m a theme park fanatic. Skinner follows Krabappel there, but also brings his mother too. The two have a tiff, and then later Skinner discovers that if she wins, Krabappel will never have to teach again, so he has to sabotage the ceremony to make sure that doesn’t happen. Okay… what? So he has Bart pretend like he can’t read at the award presentation, in a very clumsy sequence. They set up that Skinner feels guilty about it, then Bart starts play-acting, and immediately afterward Skinner admits it was a fake. It didn’t even take him eight seconds before he decided to come clean. It’s just dumb, they should have had him have his own introspective thing about what Edna means to him or some shit. I don’t know, everything here felt empty and clunky. I like the Krabappel/Skinner relationship, it was really sweet and charming back in “Confidential,” and to see it reduced to its lowest, simplest form like this is kind of sad. Then next season they’d break them up, and many awkward scenes of Skinner trying to rekindle their relationship would follow, including one of Krabappel giving him a pity fuck on his birthday. Goddammit.

Tidbits and Quotes
– I like Skinner’s complete lack of understanding of how dates work, it fits with his stuck-up personality, buying apples for Krabappel in place of going out to pick them themselves (“The apples weren’t the point.” “Then why were we going apple picking?”)
– Bart struggling to focus and do his research paper really reminded me of “Bart Gets An F,” which is really unfortunate since this show falls short in every aspect in comparison.
– Krabappel has Bart stay after school to write an actual paper on World War I. We catch them at the tail end of Bart actually doing well, and Krabappel commending him. She seems really pleased that he’s actually learned something, it’s a really nice moment. Too bad the episode has other, less interesting plans on where to go from here.
– I really, really hate how Krabappel was nominated because of Bart. I’m doing a lot of comparing here, but think back to “Stark Raving Dad,” where the mental ward heads are shocked when Marge tells them about their son (“You mean there really is a Bart? Good lord!”) There, the joke works because of how much sense it makes. Homer probably sounded like a raving lunatic going on about how horrible this “Bart” character is, but in finding out he actually exists, Homer is completely vindicated and free to go. But here, the joke is Bart is such a bad kid that he’s known (and feared) by educators worldwide. Why? I don’t know, who cares, fuck you.
– I really like all the EFCOT stuff… but not that name. It’s like a stepping stone to shit like Nintendo Zii and Mapple. But they nail all the stuff with the rides, specifically the nature of the pavilions being sponsored by companies. Eastern Airlines lays out its future plans for world domination in the Future Sphere, but even better is that all Marge can comment on is that it’s nice and cool on the ride. If you’ve ridden Spaceship Earth, you know how wonderfully cool it is in there. Even better is the Electric Car ride, sponsored by Big Oil, designed to make it as wimpy and pathetic as possible. This refers to Universe of Energy, a show/ride centered around the advancement of energy technology… sponsored by ExxonMobil. Guess which form of energy is touted the most?
– Homer and Marge make fireworks… literally, in a gag lifted straight out of “Kamp Krusty.”
– “This woman carried me for nine and a half months! I was out for two weeks, then went back in.” Hey, writers, listen to me, take a seat. You may remember an episode you did a while back where you revealed Skinner was an imposter. Kind of controversial, you must remember. That’s all well and good, but even though in that show you hastily restored the status quo, there’s one kind of joke you can’t do: Skinner can’t refer to his youth being with Agnes, since he’s not his real mother and he didn’t know her yet. You can’t make those jokes. Someone must have remembered and brought this up, and I’m sure that person was fired immediately for his insolence.
– The Ride of Broken Dreams Enron ride seemed a little too on the nose, particularly with the rider commentary during it, which seemed like an ADR add-in, complete with a guy at the end doing a Johnny Carson “Mmmm, that’s good satire!” Way to pat yourself on the back, guys.
– Skinner wants Bart to sabotage Edna’s chances at winning the award. Bart comments, “I don’t wanna hurt Mrs. K!” Who is this goody two shoes, and where the hell has Bart gone? Then we get a worthless ‘Nam flashback of Skinner stealing a cupcake. Like, that’s the joke.
– The only thing in this episode I like besides the EFCOT stuff is, surprisingly, Little Richard. I just love his energy through the whole thing and how he tells an overly obnoxious Homer to shut up. That was a sweet, sweet moment.
– The ending with Homer crawling into Disney World is good too (“One churro please!” “That’ll be fourteen dollars.” Homer wails, then eventually cops the cash). Then over the credits we get a bizarre song from Homer singing about pie. I guess they were devastated it was cut so they crammed it in at the end, except it’s not particularly funny so I’m not sure why they seemed desperate to salvage it.

(originally aired December 15, 2002)
I’ll reiterate what I’ve said in the past, that while “Brother From Another Series” feels like a suitable finale for Sideshow Bob, it doesn’t mean that they couldn’t bring him back. The plot conceit here is actually ripe with potential, and could have been perfect as a return for Bob (we’re just ignoring “Day of the Jackanapes” here, I’m sure none of you mind.) Now somewhat rehabilitated, Bob uses his intellect and experience as a criminal to help uncover an assailant after a member of the Simpson family, bringing him within close quarters of his archenemy Bart. That’s a plot that could actually work. But it doesn’t. It absolutely doesn’t, at least not the way they do it here. Brain dead Homer overload, a complete lack of focus and the sullying of one of the greatest one-off characters in series history kills this episode completely. We start with a family trip to a sauna, which is virtually joke-free, ending with an unidentified man trying to kill Homer by locking him in a steam room. When the police are proven inept to finding the perpetrator, as expected, there’s only one man they can turn to: Sideshow Bob, who agrees to help in exchange for first pick in the prison production of Man of La Mancha. At least that’s in character.

Strike one for this episode: the Simpsons are given a button that will activate a shock collar on Bob if he steps out of line. How often do you think they use that? Many, many times, in a lot of cases just used as a joke for joke’s sake, provoked by absolutely nothing. Even Marge does it once, which is completely outside her character. Speaking of, do you really think she would be okay letting a man who on multiple occasions has tried to kill her son into her house? But that’s the way it is with these later seasons: Marge, and to an extent Lisa, are mostly silent observers on the side lines while the Simpson men get into wacky antics. And by Simpson men, I typically mean Homer. Despite Bob and Bart’s history, the two have barely any interaction in this episode. It’s all about Homer, who is just a complete moron from beginning to end, more so than normal. He starts by listing off his enemies to Bob, which he has a lot of, most of which are related to incidents occurring in the last five seasons. Once a regular average man, now all of a sudden Homer has a laundry list of people who want him dead. Bob sets up a trap with a dummy Homer on the lawn, which is quickly brutally attacked by various members of the community. Patty and Selma drive by, chuck a cinder block at the dummy, ripping its head off, and drive off. Marge’s reaction to seeing her sisters seemingly murder her husband? “These are Homer’s friends and family, they don’t want him dead. They just want him to suffer.” Then Homer tackles his own dummy, like a mentally insane person. Bob asks the others, “None of this seems odd to you?” I feel I don’t need to say anything at this point.

As we close out act two, even though we see Bob has been watching fall preview week, it’s announced that Homer will be king of the Mardi Gras parade, as a result of someone stuffing the ballot box with his name. During the festivities, it turns out the brake lines of his float have been cut, just in time for Bob to finally put the pieces together of who the culprit is. Turns out it’s none other than… Frank Grimes, Jr. It’s not really a mystery as there’s no way to get us to this point, but besides that, as a fan, I knew something was up when we saw the guy earlier and he looked and sounded exactly like Grimes. So he wants revenge for his father’s death due to Homer’s idiocy. But Grimes was never married, right? “He happened to like hookers, okay?” Frank Grimes, the serious, button-down self-made man, knocking up a hooker? Okay, great. Why not make it his brother? Steve Grimes? It would be just as dumb, but at least I can buy that. Maybe. Whatever. We end with Bob finally about to kill Bart, but realizing he can’t; as he explains in song, he’s become more invigorated with the thrill of the hunt than the actual hunt itself. So at this point the Bob series is really over, as we’ve seen that he literally cannot bring himself to kill Bart, beyond the reason that the show would be over. But he’d be back again and again, extending his murderous aim to the entire Simpson family, even though we know that it will absolutely never, ever happen. An atrocious episode. Bob was better left staying down.

Tidbits and Quotes
– This is the first episode that was completely digitally colored, though it really doesn’t look too different than the last two seasons or so. It’s just one more step in creating the cold, sterile look of a modern day Simpsons.
– The spa set-piece is a lot of dead air, with a lot of desperate, bizarre attempts at jokes. The masseuse asking ten-year-old Bart to write him a check? The yoga instructor doing his Johnny Carson impression? What?
– Wiggum ordering his prisoners by level of craziness is a pretty clever joke, but they just keep it going too long. Having the one guy react indignantly, Wiggum addressing him by his crazy name, then the mild-mannered guy revealing himself to be incredibly crazy. The act of Wiggum asking the two to switch seats, the normal guy and the disheveled guy, is funny enough, but then they just kill the joke.
– We get the show’s first shot at Disney’s California Adventure, which aside from west coasters and theme park nuts like myself, speaks to absolutely no one. They would do it again next season in “My Mother the Carjacker,” a joke they were so proud of, I remember they even used it in the promo.
– Considering how they restrained Bob, it would have been neat if they had this episode just be full-blown Silence of the Lambs, with Homer and Bart going to Bob in prison to help track down the murderer, with Bob making increasingly vague threats to Bart. South Park did a similar parody when they had Officer Barbrady talk with a Hannibal Lector-type kid about a toilet-papered house. But this show just isn’t that clever anymore, unfortunately…
– “This man has tried to kill me so many times, it’s not funny anymore!” You’re damn right. The show has been self-referential in the past, but the way it does so now feels so pointed and gutsy. But gutsy in a way the show has no right to be. Yeah, these Bob shows aren’t funny anymore, yet you keep on fucking making them.
– Bob has a heart-to-heart with Apu about the dying art of robbery (“You were quite the gentleman. Today’s robbers, they are all snatch-and-grab. You understood the dance!”) What? Dressed as Krusty, Bob demanded Apu give him all the money, he took the money then ran off. He’s basically on the same level of someone like Snake, where’s the difference? Plus Bob was imitating Krusty, so he wasn’t being himself, persay. And plus it’s not like Bob revels in committing crimes, he sees them as a means to an end. The writers just referenced this old episode without really remembering correctly or understanding it at all.
– The assailant pokes a gun through the door at Moe’s and tries to take Homer out. Rather than going out and taking chase, Homer and Bob just sit there. And we get a montage of Moe’s precious memories with his pickle jar. Then next scene Bob is watching a pathetic TV parody. What is happening in this episode?
– Homer has been crowned king of Mardi Gras (“Woo hoo! Good things do happen to bad people!”) It’s a small line, but it’s very bothersome. Like Homer acknowledges the bad stuff he’s done and doesn’t think he’s a good guy?
– Fat Tony and his goons gun down some guy right in the middle of the parade and no one even bats an eye. As long as your joke works, guys, don’t worry about shit making sense, it’s OK.
– I like how Bob saves Homer by use of his old performing skills, shooting himself out of a cannon.
– Why the fuck do Homer and Bob go after Grimes on stilts? They could have caught up to him a lot quicker on foot. And Bob I can see, but Homer being able to use them? Just… whatever.
– So we have our dumb musical number and end on Bob getting shocked once more. The writers need to go back and watch the rake scene from “Cape Feare” and realize why it’s funny, because apparently all they see is someone getting hurt = funny, as we’ve seen them do countless times with Homer.

(originally aired December 1, 2002)
There are times when I’m writing about certain episodes when words start to escape me, because I just have no idea what the fuck is happening in certain scenes. Or, in cases like this, entire acts. The show had taken some pot shots at reality TV recently, since they were all the rage at the time, but here is their full episode devoted to the topic, and it couldn’t be more bizarre and ridiculous… in the worst way possible, definitely in one of the worst episodes of the series. We start with our mostly tangential opening with the Simpsons getting sky box tickets to a hockey game in exchange for Homer not suing the power plant for getting injured on the job. The sky box is so incredibly opulent, why focus on the game when you can get a massage or dip in the jacuzzi? So Homer and Bart begin to act pompous and holier-than-thou, which I guess is funny because the environment changes their entire demeanor? This kind of “joke” will occur later, but I just don’t get it. Homer acts like he is rich and earned this right to be above the common folk, but he can’t actually think that, can he? So is he play-acting? I haven’t a clue, really.

After helping Lisa helps player make a winning shot (using her hockey knowledge from “Lisa on Ice,” a nice callback), a Russian player gives her his hockey stick, which gets mounted on her wall. Unfortunately, the stick was filled with dangerous termites, which start eating away at the house. It will take six months to exterminate, leaving the Simpsons homeless, and with every hotel in town booked to boot. So where do they end up? At a TV studio looking to be on a brand new show, where a family gets to live in an old house, but must live like it’s 1895. Yep, that’s their only option. Why not live with Flanders? Patty and Selma? Not ideal options for Homer, but hey, that could provide some comedy. But whatever, the family are in this 1895 house, and everything about it is not funny. Plus, I don’t quite understand why people would like watching this show. Reality TV is all about sensationalism, quick cuts, music stings, what’s hip and new. Would modern viewers care about a family living in an old-timey house? It’s like a reality show on the History Channel.

After suffering for a bit, the family gets used to living like the olden days, and starts to speak and act like they were back then too, for no reason. The network needs to spice up the show, so they bring in David Lander, aka Squiggy from Laverne and Shirley to live in the house and taze people. Was this a thing on reality TV where they’d bring in washed up celebrities to be on shows with regular people? I dunno, but one scene later, they airlift the entire house off its foundations and dump it into a river. And the house floats perfectly straight up somehow and survives mostly intact down a waterfall. Then it collapses upon stopping at a bank. So what is happening? Where the fuck are they? The Simpsons just resign themselves to wandering around, not knowing where they are or what’s happening. Then they run into some other people, victims of a Survivor clone who were lost and never recovered, wanting revenge on the network heads that stranded them there. One of them says they’re in the Amazon, so I guess we finally know where we are. So they flew that goddamn house all the way to South America? Anyway, they revolt against the crew, and then they’re back home. I really don’t even know how to comment, because I don’t understand what exactly happened in this third act. Was there a point to this that I missed? I find it hard to believe that there is, but if someone can enlighten me, please do. But what I did understand from this show I absolutely hated. Complete garbage.

Tidbits and Quotes
– The sky box luxuries are exaggerated enough, then they have Larry Holmes there for no apparent reason. And it’s just ridiculous since Bart off-handedly mentions him, then he appears immediately.
– Moe, Barney and Otto notice Homer up in the sky box, and logically decide to get on each others shoulders to reach him. Bart and Homer comment from above like pompous arrogant assholes for some reason (“Heads up, Dad. Here comes the scum.” “Why can’t they just be happy for my success?”) Homer dumps scalding hot fudge on them, something that certainly would give them horrific burns, and would get him kicked out of the arena. But, nope.
– I don’t like that it’s Raphael (the sarcastic guy) who’s the terrible exterminator who gnaws at a table like a termite. Normally he’s competent at his jobs, they could have just made this some other guy.
– They recreate the King of the Hill opening, but it’s just like the Sopranos bit a few episodes ago, where it’s not really a parody as it’s just them recreating something note for note.
– I get them the family not wanting to live with the noise at Lenny’s, but they could have stayed with Comic Book Guy given they had no other options. I’d love to see that episode. I also like that CBG has some kind of meta awareness, referring to the Simpsons as “our favorite family.”
– “I’m Mitch Hardwell, creator of the 1895 Challenge, and by ‘creator,’ I mean I saw it on Dutch television, and tweaked the title.” So yeah, network executives steal other peoples’ ideas. But don’t worry, if you missed that joke, they’re going to repeat it again… twice.
– Bill Cosby auditions for the 1895 show, in an appearance not nearly as funny as the bit from “Children From a Lesser Clod.” One executive comments, “We need a family that hasn’t been on TV forever. Let’s try the Simpsons.” They’re thrilled with the Simpsons having a tiff at the dinner table (“They go to pieces over nothing! They’re perfect for reality TV!”) In the shot we see Marge and Lisa glaring at each other. What? For what reason? That’s the thing, this series has been marketed as a dysfunctional family, but it really isn’t. The only nutty cog is Homer, everyone else is generally normal. It makes no sense to me.
– To judge whether the show is doing good or bad, we cut to the residents of the retirement home watching, which makes sense that they’d like it since it’s all old timey. But is this the show’s demographic? Geriatrics? I guess it must be.
– Homer walks outside one morning, only to step into a big river. The other members of the family rush out to see what’s happening (“Lisa! Explain!” “I guess the network made our show more exciting by dumping the house in a river!”) Right, that’s a conclusion I would come to immediately. I think other thoughts would strike me first. Like, “What the fuck is happening?” “Holy shit, the house is in a fucking river!” “How did we not notice that the house was lifted into the sky and brought here?” And so forth. Homer then goes back in the house and has a dialogue with the network exec through the confessional camera, even though it’s seemingly just a one-way feed. But whatever.
– I still don’t know what to say about the third act. What aggravated me most is that we’ve never told what’s going on. The family could be just outside of town, and therefore, could just up and leave if they wanted, but we don’t know where they are. If the network exec told them they dumped them in the Amazon, or explained whatever new show they were planning to do with them, then I could understand. But instead it’s like… whatever. Bart makes an off-the-cuff comment, “Is it just me, or are you guys getting sick of crazy adventures?” It isn’t just you, Bart. It isn’t just you.