(originally aired February 22, 2004)
Another episode that makes my mind hurt. When your core story is so ridiculous and illogical, it’s a shaky foundation, and then when you compound all the other absurd elements and failed attempts at jokes, it’s head-rattling how bothersome the entire ordeal is. The Simpsons stumble upon a highly selective pre-nursery school, and are convinced that they should try to get Maggie in. I get the gag about our culture wanting to entrap children in the education system at earlier and earlier ages, but Maggie is a year old. She’s a baby competing against toddlers, it doesn’t make a lot of sense from the start, and continues being bizarre as the show goes on. The screening process is held by Simon Cowell, or rather a character who looks and acts just like him, who is actually voiced by Cowell. This has happened a few times (Stephen Colbert comes to mind) where they have a celebrity basically play themselves, but they’re not actually themselves. Cowell berates one-year-old Maggie for not being able to speak, and claims she has absolutely no future. What an asshole. I thought it was bad when Declan Desmond viciously chastised Lisa, but this is a fucking baby, for God’s sake.

After an IQ test, Maggie is declared a genius, holding an even higher IQ than her sister by eight points. This completely devastates Lisa, believing since she’s no longer the smartest in the family, her life has no purpose. What? What possible threat does Maggie have to her? This doesn’t affect her or her schoolwork or her life in any way whatsoever. Lisa tries out a variety of new personas, but finds that none of them stick. Then in a fit of petty, stupid jealousy, she mis-teaches Maggie some flash cards, much to the shock of Marge and Homer, who come in full guns blazing to reprimand her for it. I’m so completely confused at this point, there’s no real story here since I don’t understand why Lisa is driving herself into such a fit about this. Is she so ridiculously insecure that she’s jealous of her infant sister? Apparently so, enough that she decides to run away and start a new life, eventually deciding on living in the natural history museum.

The climax consists of Homer, Marge and Bart being stuck in a gigantic model of the digestive system, that is fully functional and they’re in risk of being digested themselves. Lisa shows up at the nick of time to tell Maggie how to disable the machine, and she does. She’s grown to accept her sister and her gift, and vows to be helpful and nurturing. So there we go, conflict resolved right? Not quite. Cowell shows up to inform the Simpsons that there was foul play during the IQ test. Turns out Lisa was subconsciously giving Maggie all the answers with hand motions and body language. It makes no fucking sense whatsoever, but beyond the stupid explanation, why did they feel the need to end like this? First off, from the show’s beginning in “Bart the Genius,” we’ve seen that Maggie is of a higher intelligence, it’s a firmly established character trait that she’s a bright baby. Second, it completely undermines Lisa’s character growth, and I use that term incredibly fucking lightly given how dumb this episode was. And third, what difference does it make if Maggie’s a genius or not? Why slam the reset button for something so inconsequential? I was more confused by this episode more than anything, if someone would like to take a stab at analyzing it themselves, be my guest.

Tidbits and Quotes
– We kill a minute and a half at the start with a cartoonish bathroom battle between Homer and Bart, then Homer takes the family for pancakes. They stand outside the building, then look behind them to see the pre-nursery school and a big long line. It’s not even across the street, but in the same goddamn parking lot. How did they not notice that? There’s no transition at all, Homer literally tuns his head and there’s the school.
– Cowell just isn’t funny, especially when he’s hurling insults at a one-year-old. From this, Marge frets that Maggie has no future, which makes a little more sense since she’s a susceptible, worrywart mother. But it’s still dumb.
– Marge tries to absolve Lisa’s identity crisis by reminding her who she is, with a piece of paper labeled, “You are Lisa Simpson.” Lisa flatly remarks she already has that, gesturing to a frame of the paper and Mr. Bergstrom’s photo. More just pulling stuff from classic episodes; it’s almost insulting seeing it here in such a shit episode.
– Lisa apparently comes to school with a backpack full of outfits, trying out class clown, goth, cheerleader… whatever.
– The flashcard scene is absolutely painful. It’s so uncharacteristic to see Lisa try to deceive Maggie, but then Marge comes in immediately and yells at her for her misdeed, despite the fact she comes in from behind and would have no idea what’s going on. Homer piles on and calls her a disappointment through his Phonics Frog, causing Lisa to run off crying. It’s an absolutely bonkers sequence. But after that we get really the only good joke in the show, with Homer asleep clutching Phonics Fog, repeatedly holding down the ‘Z’ button.
– The police force is supposedly inept, but here they’re so completely unhelpful that you kind of don’t like them. Wiggum forces Marge to fill out a performance evaluation to start off their investigation (“‘Somewhat satisfied?’ I see. Well, maybe I’ll just somewhat find your daughter!”) Then when they get to the museum while the climax is happening, they’re just standing around fucking with optical illusions. I know they need to be kept out of it since Lisa and Maggie save the day, but you could immobilize or dissuade them in some other way. Instead, they seem to just not give a fuck.
– I like Lisa’s recycled pin dress. It’s a nice design. And as a concept, I like the gigantic digestive system body thing, I would love to see an actual version of that. Then again, this is some elaborate museum. Springfield is a shitty town, and one that’s not very cultured to boot, why would they blow money on this place?
– Homer’s “Free Beer!” signs alerting Lisa is missing is another poor lift from “Lisa’s Substitute” (“SEX! Now that I have your attention, vote for Bart!”)
– The ending is really just so insulting, one of the worst in the whole series. It’s a one-two punch of it making absolutely no sense and there being no reason to make Maggie not smart after going through the whole goddamn episode. Plus Cowell just shows up at the house, covered with some joke about Moe being a butler, who also appears out of nowhere. Seriously, this fucking ending… it’s insulting that they expect us to swallow this shit up.

(originally aired February 15, 2004)
As I’ve mentioned several times, Al Jean’s tenure as showrunner seemed to involve attempting to bring the show back to its roots, but failing in most regards. We see it in episodes like this, which attempts to contain an emotionally-driven story, but is done in such a way that feel so sterile. Here we see that Luann Van Houten is moving Milhouse to Capitol City, leaving Bart without a best friend. At the start of the episode, we see Milhouse acting rambunctious on a field trip, figuring he has nothing to lose since he’s leaving Springfield seemingly forever. Bart is understandably upset; even though their dynamic has always involved him exploiting and doling abuse unto Milhouse, the two are still genuinely friends. Everyone has lost a childhood friend during their lives, so this is completely relatable, but there’s just something about it that doesn’t pack the right punch. We see Bart watching old videos of the two horsing around and he starts crying, and it just feels way too cloying. I think back to “Homer Defined” and the shot of Milhouse alone on the see saw, which is both hilariously pathetic and legitimately sad at the same time.

Let me get this stupid B-story out of the way before I continue. After getting blasted at Moe’s, people view a disheveled Homer sitting on the sidewalk as a homeless man. With a new wad of cash and Marge’s anniversary coming up, Homer takes to panhandling, which consists of him annoying pedestrians and raving and screaming like a maniac, because apparently that’s in-character and funny to watch. An actual bum appears from nowhere and gives Homer tips of the trade for some reason, but he starts to get annoyed when Homer continues to panhandle after getting the money to buy Marge some nice earrings as his gift. As Homer is stealing all of their “business,” said bum somehow knows who Marge is, tracks her down and exposes her husband’s actions. She’s upset at first, but then decides she wants more shit and demand Homer get the money to get her a broach. End of plot. I don’t mind Marge breaking her normal moralistic character. It kind of reminded me of the end of “The Cartridge Family,” except that ending worked, and this doesn’t. Her understandable anger at her husband is completely dissolved by her random selfish inclinations, it just ends up feeling unsatisfying.

Both with no one to really confide in or hang out with, Bart and Lisa inexplicably end up becoming friends. Some of their interactions are kind of cute, but a lot of their scenes together just drag and are left joke-less. Just as their relationship continues to burgeon, Milhouse returns home, leaving Bart to ditch Lisa for him. Earlier we saw Milhouse had adapted a cool new persona to impress his new urban friends, but that was basically a one-off scene. It would have been cool if this episode was actually about Milhouse, attempting to be like Bart in a new town so he could be on top, then lamenting having to go back to his lame self when he gets back to Springfield. But whatever, instead we have the Bart and Lisa thing, which ends with the most saccharine sweet ending ever, where Bart writes Monopoly Chance cards for his sister of kindnesses he’ll do for her. It’s so overtly manipulative and sappy, and not funny at all. This show used to triumph at creating emotional moments that were heartwarming and hilarious at the same time, now we see the show can barely do either right. Another disposable show.

Tidbits and Quotes
– We start with an extended sequence of the kids laughing at Nelson being poor, who gets kicked off the bus in the middle of nowhere and imagining himself in a tux and tails, muses, “Someday…” I don’t like that this has become his go-to character trait. It’s just sad and not funny…
– Nuclear inspectors are coming to the plant, so Burns has to hide the less-competent employees, sending Homer, Lenny and Carl to Moe’s. I guess gone are the days of shutting Homer in the basement to guard a bee. Why would Burns pay for their drinks?
– Isabel Sanford voices herself at the Museum of Television and Radio… I mean, TV, which is useless enough, but then they bothered to get Dick Tufeld, William Daniels and Nick Bakay to voice the Lost in Space robot, KITT and Salem the cat respectively, all of which say like two words. Two words. Couldn’t Hank or Harry have done it? Ridiculous. Just more padding out the guest star count.
– Simple, but effective billboard gag (Diamonds: Because Money Equals Love).
– I may be alone, but I love the “Yeess!” guy. He’s unquestionably one-note, but I really like Dan Castellaneta’s performance. Here he sees a dirty, unkempt Homer walking to the register (“Oh no… oh noo… oh nooo!”) who then produces a fistful of dollars (“Oh yeessss!”)
– One of Milhouse’s Capitol City friends is like a little Eminem kid who raps… I dunno, is that like a joke? Whatever.
– Bart and Lisa horsing around washing the car is pretty cute, but the bits of them on bikes and discovering the Indian burial mound are basically joke-free.
– I was surprised when the episode ended, since it didn’t seem to resolve anything. Milhouse comes home, Lisa is dissatisfied, Bart does the schmaltziest thing ever and the two make up. It just felt very rushed, but no skin off my back, since I didn’t really care about the plot to begin with.

(originally aired February 8, 2004)
I really don’t care for these anthology episodes, I just don’t find it that interesting to see our characters playing roles within other famous stories. These episodes end up becoming all about the gags, and while there are a few here that work, it just further cements my boredom of this format. At a totally defunct library with book report due dates looming, Marge regales the kids with stories of the past, because apparently she’s a master historian. First is King Henry VIII, played by Homer, and his quest to father a rightful heir to the throne, otherwise known as a male. He invents the concept of divorce in order to jump from wife to wife to try to bear just the right fruit, ultimately coming up short. Now I could complain about the historical inaccuracies… but then I’d look like an asshole. Who gives a shit if it’s accurate or not? It’s close enough. The segment’s alright, but seeing Homer be a literal royal asshole to everyone is a bit disheartening to see. He’s in another role, but that’s basically his character nowadays anyway.

Next is Lisa as Sacajawea, who must assist explorers Lewis and Clark (Lenny and Carl) to the Pacific Northwest. It’s okay. These episodes really are so hard to write about because I don’t really have any feelings towards them. The last segment retells the story of Mozart, or rather retells the movie Amadeus, depicting the rivalry of Mozart (Bart) and Antonio Salieri (Lisa). Lisa points this out in the end, because it makes sense that an eight-year-old girl not only knows the movie, but the thorough history of classic composers. Maybe it makes a little sense, given her interest in music. The story is probably my favorite if I had to pick one, since Bart and Lisa easily fall into those roles, and it’s a fun dynamic to watch play out. Sort of. I dunno. I’ll pose the question again, does anyone really like these episodes? Not just like ‘they’re alright,’ but one you can point to say and say ‘that was a great episode.’ They’re just so innocuous to me, filler episodes in seasons where they seem to be scrambling to fill slots.

Tidbits and Quotes
– To be fair, the new selfish and assholeish Homer fits the role of Henry VIII pretty well. The one-two punch of him consulting marriage counseler Dr. Hibbert (“Your feelings are valid, but I’m afraid marriage takes a lot of hard work… and who needs that? I say trade in that lemon and get biz-zay!”) and the Lord Chancellor Ned Flanders (“I work for the Pope, and I think a celibate Italian weirdo knows a lot more about marriage than you.”) is pretty good, especially the ending with “canonizing” Flanders.
– Ghastly, disturbing gag with Homer proposing that Lisa “either grow a penis, or get lost.” Then she tries to. Horrible.
– Nice gag with Lenny and Carl passing right by the White House (“It’s been two years, so our brave explorers should be right about here… you morons!”)
– My favorite line comes from Rainier Wolfcastle, who fits right in at the Austrian Musik Awards (“What is it about music that enchants us? The notes.”)
– Nelson as Beethoven is another great fit. His laugh to the Fifth Symphony is a good joke.
– We close out with Homer singing the theme from Animal House, which makes as little sense as the Ghostbusters ending from “Tales From the Public Domain.”
– This might be my shortest review ever. Sorry guys, but I just got nothing on this one.

(originally aired January 25, 2004)
It seems I’ve been doing a lot of comparisons to classic episodes this season, due to Al Jean’s attempts to either drag back old one-off guest stars or tread through familiar emotional ground, except in a less successful way. Here we have Marge channeling her dissatisfaction of her husband through a creative outlet, a la “A Streetcar Named Marge,” but rather than star in a play, she writes a trashy romance novel, the kinds housewives read that typically have Fabio on the cover. Her characters are thinly veiled surrogates for people in her life, the long-suffering wife to a lecherous seaman falls for the kindly, rugged gentleman next door, inspired by the always helpful Flanders. Before that, we have a profoundly stupid opening where Homer mows down a nuclear inspector in Burns’s office with his car, seemingly killing him, an action which is impossible since the office is several floors off the ground. Terminated, Homer falls into a job as a car salesman, which lasts all of two minutes before he gets another job driving an ambulance. Or rather, he just buys the ambulance and automatically becomes an ambulance driver. It’s almost like a parody of Homer-gets-a-job at this point. I just don’t know what to make of it.

I feel like some people could point at an episode like “Streetcar” and cry, “See? See?! Jerkass Homer existed in the classic era!” But, as always, it’s all about context. “Streetcar” is one of my favorite episodes, and the handling of Homer’s character to keep him likeable despite his inconsiderate behavior is stellar. He remains distant and oblivious to all of Marge’s plights, but never in a way that seems mean. He flat-out admits to her that he has absolutely no interest in any of her outside interests, and when Marge asks him why he never told her this, he responds as earnestly as possible, “You know I’d never do anything to hurt your feelings.” And you believe it. Homer’s a believably dense and dim man whose bubble of ignorance is only popped after actually seeing the play. In this episode, Homer isn’t exactly antagonistic, but when he lumbers home demanding Marge cook him dinner and chastising his kids who he forced to work for him, it pretty much seems like it. And when Marge writes about potentially finding happiness with another man, it feels so sad to me, as well as disturbing that it’s about Flanders. Thank God I jumped ship on the show before they did that episode where she considered actually having an affair with him. Man oh man, how fucked up is that?

Homer-Marge relationship episodes were dodgy in the past since it was always a bit of a leap of faith that Marge would ever take back Homer, but nowadays, they’re really complete fantasies. Homer’s such an out-of-control maniac, as we’ve seen, but this episode strikes an even more sour tone since we see Marge’s point-of-view on the subject. Her book is really the subject of her inner feelings, and as we see it play out that Homer is this complete sloven degenerate (“I’m free to be selfish, drunk, emotionally distant, sexually ungenerous…”), it becomes depressing that this is how Marge sees her husband. For all their scrapes and scuffles, what always felt so comforting about this show is that the family truly cares about each other, particularly Homer and Marge, who felt like two people who were very much still in love. Nowadays Homer is a complete cartoon character, and Marge is either a total doormat, or reveals her true devastating feelings like in this episode, or “Brake My Wife, Please.” It’s just kind of depressing.

Tidbits and Quotes
– Marge attends a book signing of a romance novelist, and then all of a sudden she decides she wants to be a writer. Just like that. Here’s what sells her on it (“If I write a book, will they tell me when it comes out?” “Well, they should, yes.” “Then I’ll do it!”) I’m very confused.
– Marge has got to be really hard to write for, especially when she’s all by herself. Her dialogue here is pretty… bad (“This story is as dark as those new Milky Way bars!”) She attempts to find inspiration for her book by looking at the sailboat painting over the couch, envisioning a glorious, whale-ridden seascape (“A novel about whaling! That’s something you haven’t seen before!”) Not a bad joke. But wait, let’s explain it in case some people didn’t get it (“Thank you, ‘Scene from Moby Dick’!”) Sigh. Plus this betrays a past joke where Marge reveals that she painted that for Homer. I try not to be a big continuity stickler, but I always thought that moment was very sweet.
– The in-novel scene between Marge and Flanders is quite unsettling, considering this is all in Marge’s mind.
– Another episode, some more throwaway guest voices, from Thomas Pynchon to Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen. I did like Tom Clancy’s bit though (“Would I say, ‘If you’re hunting for a great read this October, Marge Simpson’s book is a clear and present danger to your free time’? Hell no, I wouldn’t. …what do you mean I just said it? That doesn’t count!”)
– Ah, the reappearance of Dr. Marvin Monroe. So completely unnecessary. Why would they name the fucking hospital after him if he wasn’t dead? Whatever.
– Homer furiously chasing Flanders across town, cornering him at the top of a steep cliff… then getting down on his knees to beg him for help his marriage. Such a huge mislead.

(originally aired January 11, 2004)
What I initially figured would just be a poor man’s “Saturdays of Thunder” actually ended up surprising me. That description is somewhat apt, but it’s still a really sweet and effective Homer-Bart show, unfortunately saddled with a bizarrely grim and uncomfortable B-plot. We start with Bart modifying his old bike with rad decals and accessories, but soon finds there’s no substitute for a real ten-speed. Homer buys and assembles one himself, which quickly falls apart, leaving Bart disappointed. It’s almost like a set-up from the classic years, where Homer makes a bungled attempt to help one of his kids in the first act and must make it up over the next two. In this case, inspired by Bart’s interest in a BattleBots-type show, Homer attempts to build his own fighting robot. Failing miserably, he does the next best thing: create an empty shell of one that he controls from the inside, unbeknownst to Bart. Dubbed “Chief Whack-a-Homer,” he competes on the robot fighting show, winning the love of his son, as well as several nasty injuries and lacerations.

It’s not perfect, but what a breath of fucking fresh air this episode is. After slogging through so much of selfish asshole Homer as of late, seeing him actually risk life and limb, literally, for the happiness of his son is so heartening to see. This is the Homer we love, trying to do what’s best for his family in the most asinine way possible. Even in the climax when he goes up against Professor Frink’s mechanical killing machine, he’s completely brazen, and stupid, all for Bart’s sake. The scene where Homer is exposed and Bart expresses such enthusiasm over his father’s actions is really sweet and feels completely earned (“Any poindexter can throw some nuts and bolts together. You risked your own life, even though you’re a sole provider for a family of five!”) On top of the emotional core, the episode also has a lot of laughs, be it in parodying the fighting robot shows popular at the time (“Can robots feel pain? If so, we are horrible, horrible people!”) and in regards to Homer’s plights, like using a magnet to extract all of the shards of metal from his body.

The B-story… oh dear, the B-story… Snowball II is struck and killed by a car in act one. Now, the cat may not have been a prominent character, but she dates back to the first episode, and to see her bumped off in a storyline callously relegated to a B-plot doesn’t feel right. But the premise is that Lisa buys another cat, who swiftly deies, then another, and another, all dead. For an eight-year-old girl, this would be absolutely traumatizing. It’s played off for laughs, but it just feels so saddening and wrong for a sweet girl like Lisa to go through so much anguish. It couldn’t clash more tonally with the main story. Our resolution is just a final kick in the teeth: coming across one last cat that actually evades danger rather than get killed, Lisa dubs her Snowball V, but to make things convenient, decides to call her Snowball II and forget anything ever happened. Totally makes sense for a little kid to do. Come on, guys, I know you think you’re being clever by being meta, but it just doesn’t work here. But despite the B-plot, this one’s definitely a gem buried amidst a pile of shit.

Tidbits and Quotes
– The opening bit of Milhouse rushing to the Simpson house is fantastic, a shockingly great piece of animation, with more life in it than I’d seen on the show for many seasons. Sure enough I see Lauren MacMullen’s name pop up as director. It seems that every time I notice the show is looking exceptional visually, it’s a show she did. She only has two more episodes left, unfortunately. They would have been wise to keep her around.
– The Domino’s shot, Flanders actually swearing, the bullies taunts actually feeling legitimate and not jokey, Hibbert’s Kool & the Gang air freshener (“Celebration’s over, boys,”) Homer being a bonehead (“A ten-speed bike? What did your mother say?” “She said yes.” “I said no!” “I’m confused, which is it?!”) I was completely stunned at how much was working in the first act, and continued to work through the entirety of the show. If not for that goddamn B-plot, this one would be top of the heap of latter-day episodes. Not even the spring-loaded first aid kit could sully my mood out of act one.
– There’s something endearing about Homer riding around on a tricycle inside that suit making robot noises. It’s so shocking that in basically every episode now I either hate Homer or am bewildered by him, but here, for once not only am I on his side but I’m enthralled by him and his efforts.
– Nice banter between the “Robot Rumble” hosts (“He’s killing him softly with his saw!” “Killing him softly?” “With his saw!”)
– One of the only things I hate about the main story is the montage sequence where we see Homer’s other competitors: Reverend Lovejoy and Jessica, and Chief Wiggum and Ralph. The former I don’t buy condoning this type of show, and I don’t see either of them having the technical know-how to build a functional robot, especially the latter. Why not have it be random families like the first match? The end does bring back Frink’s son though, apparently not killed after the incident way back in “Brother, Can You Spare Two Dimes?” I like that he doesn’t speak a word, he just mimics his father’s look and movements, like he’s some kind of clone or something.
– I don’t even want to talk about the B-plot anymore. Not even the mention of Armin Tamzarian. I will say that I definitely wouldn’t trust any cat given to me by the Crazy Cat Lady. The myriad of diseases it must carry…
– I love the animation of Homer squeezing out of the robot frame like a tube of toothpaste, and the twist that Frink programmed the robot to abide by Asimov’s rules to never harm humans. So Homer is declared the winner by default (“Show me where in the rule book it says a human can’t be a robot!” “Right here. Rule one.”)