(originally aired December 10, 2006)
We had sad, pathetic Moe two episodes ago, and now we have sad, pathetic Nelson. What’s with wussifying all these characters? It’s the idea that the big mean school bully is just scared, vulnerable and wants to be loved, but that’s such a trite concept that the episode does nothing to build upon. Nelson invites everyone to his birthday party, and only Bart arrives, having been forced to go, and also the one who riled everyone else up to ditch him. He soon feels bad, as Nelson is apparently a pitiful, lonely loser, and the two become friends. I’ve mentioned this previously, but a big thing lost in these new episodes is subtlety. Making Nelson more than just a threat on the playground is fine, as we’ve seen softer sides to him before with his infatuation with Andy Williams and huckleberries. But here, Nelson’s this cloying, co-dependent basket case. It’s such a wild shift, and none of it was particularly entertaining. It’s sort of like a character study, but I wasn’t buying into it.

Bart discovers being friends with Nelson gives him amnesty from the other bullies, which warms him up to his new acquaintance. But Nelson becomes insanely jealous when he finds Bart hanging out with Milhouse, and Bart gets understandably shaken up about it. The two have a final confrontation on a field trip, where feelings are expressed (“There you go again, you act all nice and then you go crazy!” “Well, maybe I get jealous, but it’s just because… I’ve never had a best friend before.”) Awww, how sweet. Gag. Everything feels so artificial and phony though, since this turn with Nelson had no real build-up to it. Why didn’t the other bullies show up to Nelson’s party? And doesn’t he consider them his friends? If they had showed Nelson is like the pariah in the bully social circle and that they don’t really care about him, I would buy into that, since he hangs around with them all the time. Why didn’t they do anything like that? An annoyingly empty episode.

Tidbits and Quotes
– The B-plot involves Homer’s bedtime story time to Lisa, reading “Angelica Button,” which the shrewd viewer will notice slightly resembles Harry Potter. And by slightly, I mean it’s this show’s version of “parody,” which is just copy the thing and change the nouns. It’s also this bizarre thing where they’ve talked about Harry Potter on the show, and had J.K. Rowling guest star, and yet this knock-off series exists, just like we have Star Wars and Cosmic Wars. Also, Homer cries over a signed photo of Graystache, which for some reason looks like the fantasy version we see when he tells the story, which exactly like him. It’s all a bunch of nonsense. The conclusion with Lisa preferring Homer’s made-up ending to spare her feelings is kind of sweet, and I really like the line, “Time to do what I do best: lie to a child!,” but that’s about it.
– Bart and Lisa walking in on their parents having sex kind of bothers me. It’s happened in the past, but as a quick joke: spurring baby Bart’s first words, or working into a story, like in the montage of Homer and Marge’s struggling sex life, but here, much effort is made by them to shoo the kids away so they can have morning coitus, then they see it, and we see Bart visibly traumatized. It’s kind of disturbing to me, then they follow it up with Milhouse mentioning he’s walked in on his dad masturbating. Or perhaps something much more filthy. I’d rather not extrapolate.
– “Individually, we are weak, like a single twig, but as a bundle, we form a mighty faggot!” Yeah guys, “faggot” is an actual word outside a gay slur. But lots of people don’t know that. So how can we make this joke? Show the dictionary definition on the screen. Because as I always say, explaining the joke always makes things funnier.
– Nelson escorts Bart to the good life, walking through the back of the cafeteria to VIP seating a la the long camera shot from Goodfellas. At least it’s a “parody” that integrates into the story, but it’s still kind of weird. When did Nelson become kingpin of the school? And also, more poor cel-shaded CG with the hallways.
– The well-established poor Nelson apparently has a digital camera that he took pictures of Bart and Milhouse with. Okay.
– At the start of act three, Bart fears for his life from Nelson at the kitchen table. Then Grampa appears (“Bully problem, eh!”) He’s just there standing in the kitchen, and due to a slight animation mistake, when the camera pulls out to reveal him, he slides forward a bit into position. And what a perfect visual representation of this trope. Characters appearing in scenes for no reason, just sliding into frame and then sliding out once they’ve done their stupid gag. Also, we’ve come such a long way since “Bart the General.” Both episodes involved Grampa advising Bart about Nelson the bully. Old Grampa was full of piss and vinegar. New Grampa is a pussy (“You know what they say: all bullies are cowards. It’s not true! They’re brave ’cause they’re strong!”)
– We end on a Brokeback Mountain reference at the end where Bart hugs the jacket Nelson gave him, which just feels kind of weird given these are ten-year-olds. He’s really tenderly clutching that thing and stroking it… like what the fuck am I watching?

(originally aired November 26, 2006)
Homer gets a new job, Marge tries to make something of herself, Homer fucks that thing up, and Marge inexplicably forgives him at the end… my lord, hasn’t this ground been covered enough? How many times are these two going to be at odds with each other? Or rather, Marge at odds with Homer, and him begging and whining for forgiveness. Through reasons that are dumb and pointless, Homer becomes an ice cream truck driver, because I guess they make a good enough salary to support a five-person family. Meanwhile Marge is depressed that she hasn’t done anything with her life, so what’s going to be her inspiration? The discarded Popsicle sticks from her husband, which she uses to make statues of her family and the townspeople. How boring. Remember her Ringo Starr paintings, how he acted as her teenage muse? What does she care about Drederick Tatum or the Capital City Goofball enough to make statues of them? It’s a different shade of it, but this is more of the “everybody knows everybody” motif of later years.

So how does Homer fuck things up? He guns it in his truck to make it to Marge’s big art show on the Simpson front lawn, but ends up out of control and smashes through every single sculpture, effectively destroying what must have been hundreds of hours of hard work. At least he was acting mindlessly reckless for a good cause… right? It’s hard to spy any sort of silver lining with this shit. Half of act three is Homer standing outside Marge’s door, asking her to forgive him, going through the usual bullshit. It’s just waiting for the rudimentary beats and how they’re going to be slightly different. Usually it’s Homer doing something stupid that Marge thinks is sweet and taking him back. But this time, he doesn’t have to do anything at all. Marge erects a humungous Popsicle stick tribute to her husband (“My sweet perfectly imperfect you!”) How sweet. Maybe a little bit. Not really. I guess this isn’t as aggressively awful as other episodes of this ilk, but it’s every bit as pointless. Like honestly, who cares about anything happening in these episodes?

Tidbits and Quotes
– Marge scolds Bart for wasting food (“You should be ashamed! Your father works very hard to put lobsters on our table!”) There’s a lot of fluctuation in terms of characters attitudes and beliefs about things, and one seems to be Marge’s view on her husband. Most episodes she’s well aware of what a lazy jackass he is, but then there are moments like this where she seems unbelievably naive. Here, her line is just a set-up to a lame bit of Homer goofing off in the break room playing some elaborate game with the guys. Then Homer imagines Mr. Burns is an ice cream cone and licks him in a disturbing scene. Then Burns chastises the others for not having enough team spirit… what?
– “Remember that crappy ice cream truck I bought?” “How could we forget? Mom says now we can’t afford to go to the orthodontist.” Remember when Homer’s top priority was to take care of his family? Now tricking out his ice cream truck is more important than his children’s health.
– All that the Homer getting dressed sequence tells me is that the writers have seen Da Ali G Show. I just don’t understand how this is a parody, they’re just repeating, beat for beat, the intro to the show. Sure there are added jokes, like him needing two belts and his pants ripping, but they have nothing to do with commenting on the source material, and nothing to do with the episode itself. It’s as worthless as a Family Guy cut-away “gag.”
– Last episode Homer used his fairy voice to mock Moe for being a poet. Here, he mocks a passed out lactose intolerant kid after he forced him to eat ice cream (“Oooh, you wear a bracelet! Who’s your boyfriend?”) Oh boy, more light homophobia!
– More pathetic Moe as he weeps at the sight of his wooden doppelgänger (“Tell me all your little wooden dreams! You’re not alone anymore, no you ain’t!”) I just don’t find this funny.
– “Honey, I brought you more sticks! This is the most fun I’ve ever had giving you wood!” Groan. I bet this joke came up very early in the writing of this show, and somehow it managed to stay in.
– The Rich Texan is so boring and predictable. How many jokes can you make involving him shooting his guns in the air? It’s like Nelson’s “Haw-haw!” or any other character’s schtick, it grew stale years ago, but the show has managed to milk the same tired gags for over twenty years rather than come up with something new.
– The only thing I laughed at was Homer the ice cream man’s money pot: a divorced dad’s visitation picnic (“Attention, losers! This is your chance to buy your children some frozen love!” “I’m not gonna fall for such a cheap stunt!” “Mom would!” “Hey! Give me one of everything!”)
– Marge calls Homer out on his selfishness and storms inside the house. Then Homer yells, “Well excuse me for having enormous flaws that I don’t work on!” At some point, you can only be self-conscious of your overused tropes for so long before putting them to pasture. The writers acknowledge what a gigantic dickhead Homer has become, and yet they feel the best thing they can do is comment on it and everything will be fine. Homer effectively destroys a month’s worth of his wife’s hard work, and screams at her, “I’m aware I have horrible behavioral problems that put you and our children at risk, but I refuse to do anything to better myself!” What a lovable guy.
– Oh wait, one other point where I laughed (“Homer, I wanted to show the world how I feel about you!” “The world’s not that interested!”) A shocking display of Homer actually being humble, considering how pompous and self-important he’s become these days.
– The episode opens with Marge criticizing Bart for wasting food, and ends with her mentioning she threw out what must have been thousands of gallons of ice cream to make her big sculpture. Well, it actually ends with a bizarro vision of the future where iPods rule the Earth. What the fuck…

(originally aired November 19, 2006)
I hate sad, pathetic Moe. I really do. I don’t mind character development, and in this case, I’ve liked seeing a more sentimental shade of Moe, like in “Moe Baby Blues.” But making him such a sad sack completely takes the wind out of the surly bartender I used to know. The beginning is so painful to watch, with Homer having forgotten about his big birthday fishing trip with Moe. We see Moe eagerly give him a call, then wait outside his house all day for him, sat with his head in his lap crying. Who is this pitiful, needy loser and what has he done with Moe? He pens an angry “fuck-you” poem about his dashed hopes and dreams to Homer, which Lisa gets a hold of and thinks is a great piece of writing. Needing to do a report on a fascinating local resident, she picks Moe, believing he has the potential to be a great writer. Discovering he’s been writing his thoughts in scrap form all over his wall, Lisa arranges them into poetry, giving Moe a newfound sense of meaning.

With Lisa’s help, Moe is invited to a prestigious literary conference in Vermont, along with Tom Wolfe, Gore Vidal, and other writers who are introduced by name and list their credits before then saying their joke. When Moe hints that he may have had assistance coming up with a title for his poem, the writers react in complete shock, so to cover, he takes all the credit for himself. This makes Lisa sad, as she remains through the whole last act as Moe acts abjectly cruel to her. It doesn’t help when the main source of conflict comes from a gag. So are the writers incredibly pompous and refuse to take any advice or input on their work? Or are they all just insecure and lying? Who cares. What’s with these Lisa episodes involving her being fucked over and moping? She’s repeatedly beat down and ignored, even by her own family. Then at the end, Moe gives an ode to Lisa, crediting her, and all is forgiven. So Lisa helps and supports a guy, he screws her over and acts horribly to her, then after one paltry act of kindness, all is completely forgiven? She’s a Simpson woman, alright.

Tidbits and Quotes
– We have a flashback to Abe at the Olympics killing a would-be Hitler assassin, a few episodes back we had him posing as a woman baseball player during the war… why are these flashbacks so unfunny? They’re just as absurd as when he posed as a German cabaret singer, but “Das is nicht eine boobie!” is an infinitely funnier line than “What is this? Kill Hitler Day?”
– The Willie as Grim Reaper bit is so incredibly cheap, but I like Grampa’s cry, “You’ll never take me alive, Grim Reaper!” And when they play the national anthem, him yelling, “Turn that hippie crap off!”
– This is another one of those times I wonder why Marge is putting up with Homer’s nonsense. They spend the whole day huddled down with the lights out to avoid having to confront Moe, why doesn’t she just tell her husband to be a fucking man and apologize to him? Instead we get a “hysterical” scene where Bart and Homer fight like crabs.
– Moe the sensitive poet? I just don’t buy this plot at all. I get seeing Moe being more vulnerable, but in terms of his soul, it’s pretty dark. If Moe’s doing anything “creative,” it’s writing filthy letters to actresses, or filming the mail lady shoving things through his slot.
– The American Poetry Perspectives is run by J. Jonah Jameson. Or, what I’m sure the writers will insist, a J. Jonah Jameson-type, who looks, acts, and sounds exactly like him. Now, let’s talk about using other people’s characters. We had Larry Burns, who basically was a character from a Rodney Dangerfield movie. He was voiced by him, talked like him, he kinda looked like him, he basically was Rodney. But it makes sense in the story; who better to clash with the stingy, uptight Burns than a loafing, devil-may-care party animal? Here, it’s just, “We need to show an executive approving Moe’s poem.” “I really like J.K. Simmons in Spider-Man. Let’s just do that, even though it makes no sense. And to trick people into thinking we’re not complete hacks, let’s get Simmons to do the voice.” “Boy, this is a lot easier than coming up with original content!”
– “1876 was the price I paid for gas once. I thought of Burr from an Eskimo Pie package.” “I can’t believe it!” “Those sound like terrible jokes!” YOU CAN’T COVER SHITTY WRITING BY COMMENTING THAT IT’S SHITTY.
– All the guest stars in this show must be introduced by name, and we’re told some books they’ve written, because ninety percent of the people watching don’t know who they are. Every line of theirs just feels like an inside joke. Who is this catering to?
– The family is having a grand old time about Vermont, and they invite Lisa to come along. Lisa, clearly devastated, comments, “You guys go ahead, I don’t think I’d be very good company.” Then they just leave. I can buy Homer being that dense, but what about Marge?
– “I need a brilliant new poem for the festival farewell dinner, so if you can turn these into one of those, and then don’t say nothing while I take all the credit, I’d really appreciate it. Though I’d never admit that. And look, I got you started.” (Written by Moe and Moe Alone) “Moe, you’re a heartless jerk!” “Woah! Where did that come from? …oh right, my actions.” One of the greatest casualties in this era of the show: subtly.
– For some reason, Michael Chabon and Jonathan Frazen fighting reminds me of when Siskel and Ebert threw down on The Critic, except that was actually funny and entertaining, and this is attempting to be both, and failing spectacularly. (“You fight like Ann Rice!” Sick burn!)

(originally aired November 12, 2006)
Another piss-poor topical “satire,” this time targeting at the Armed Forces, and just as it was intelligent design and other topics, it feels incredibly mean-spirited. After failing to recruit the town bullies, a recruitment agent says, “Even the dumbest teenagers in the dumbest town in the dumbest state know better than to join the army.” We’re three minutes in and already the point is clear: people who want to serve their country are fucking dumbasses. No topic is off limits, and I have no issue with their chosen target, as there’s absolutely plenty to knock the army about. It’s just the manner that they do it that feels so bitter and ham-fisted. Because he’s a big gullible dummy, Homer ends up enlisting, but is deemed too stupid to serve, so he ends up participating in local war games. He and his company hide out in town, and their opposing commander, who apparently is insane, lays siege to recover them.

The commander is voiced by Kiefer Sutherland, and is a crazy person. Literally. And it’s never addressed. He organizes these war games, and when Homer and company escape, he immediately acts to invade Springfield. It’s an effort that’s costing the government millions, and he’s using actual ammunition to hunt down and presumably kill Homer and his infantry. It’s unclear exactly why the fuck he’s doing this, all we get is another heavy-handed “joke” (“US Government policy is very clear: never back down, never admit a mistake, that’s why we’ve won over half the wars we’ve fought!”) And everyone on the base goes along with him, putting Springfield under enemy occupation. I guess. We never really get a sense of it, but I guess that’s what it is. Also the commander is a big dummy, as we see him rounding up all the fat, bald men in town to weed Homer out, I guess, but if he’s that adamant to find this guy, why doesn’t he abduct his family and hold them hostage? And again, these are phony war games and this guy is a psychotic violent criminal. But in the end he signs a term of surrender on a aircraft carrier and nothing ever happens to him. At one point this show was brilliantly satirical. Now I dread when these episodes crop up. They’re not so much offensive as they are just pathetic.

Tidbits and Quotes
– “We just want to talk to you about something near and dear to us.” “What, being gay?” That’s three gay cracks in five episodes. I think I’m gonna start a tally.
– I don’t know if there’s a deleted scene explaining the origin of the Bart bust Marge is carrying, or whether it’s just a set-up for a joke later in the scene, which doesn’t seem worth it since before that you’re just wondering why the fuck she has that bust in the first place.
– We have liberal activist Lisa dousing a fur-wearing Krusty with blood, but I like the cute kid moment at the end when she innocently asks when his movie is coming out before she’s escorted away. Also, clearly this episode was being written mid-production of The Simpsons Movie and they were predicting all the incessant questions from fans about it.
– Outside the recruitment center is a sign in the window: “Suicidal Teens Welcome.’ Am I getting unusually sensitive, or do these jokes seem like it’s too much? Like, hey kids, gonna kill yourself? Why not go out with a blaze of glory! This show just doesn’t know how to deal with touchy topics anymore. Between stuff like this and Moe’s constant suicide attempts, it just feels so wrong.
– I like this exchange with Homer getting suckered into enlisting (“Wouldn’t that take me away from my family for two whole years?” “Hey, a big target like you will be home a lot sooner than that!” “Woo hoo! Where do I sign?”)
– I like the bit of Homer cheering up Maggie before he leaves, if only because it’s the only time I’ve seen them interact in a good long while. Or if I’ve forgotten some scenes, it’s the first time I thought it was cute.
– At the start of the games, Homer gives away his position and blinds the enemy because he remembers it’s Chinese New Year and blasts a few flares in the air. Boy, that Homer sure is a big dummy, huh?
– The Looney Tunes parody with Homer and the helicopter drone is just awful. I guess I see what they were going for, but it just doesn’t work at all. It’s two minutes of just pure filler. And if he destroyed the drone in his home, and the commander was watching it, wouldn’t that give away his position? And moreover, couldn’t Homer be charged for destruction of government property? It makes absolutely no sense.
– The ending with the whole town mobilizing is almost like the show commenting on how everyone knows everyone now, with Mr. Burns on the phone with Nelson, and Krusty with Ralph. Doesn’t make it any less annoying though.
– “Colonel, I hope you’ve learned that an occupying foreign force can never defeat a determined local populous. Among the many things we’ve learned from Vietnam…” Thanks, Lisa, this totally sounds like something aneight-year-old would say. Totally does.
– And we close with Sutherland recruiting the crew members to front line infantry, which is just a hollow repeat of Homer’s cuts from “Bart Star,” or even his moaning of all the wealthy people’s names from “The Mansion Family.”

(originally aired November 5, 2006)
Another year, another Halloween show. I’ll once again say that my biggest issue with these specials is the tone. Despite the fantastical and insane things that are happening, characters seem to be nonplussed and casually crack wise like they would in any other episode. Take the first segment, where Homer, infected by an alien spore, gets an insatiable hunger and grows into a gigantic blob creature. Not only does he not seem very affected by his gross transformation, neither does anyone else. The family just sits and watches Homer, now a gargantuan green blob, slug through downtown with a single comment. Throw in a random appearance by Dr. Phil and it just feels like any old episode. The second segment has a similar issue, where Bart takes control of Krusty’s giant stone Golem to do his biding, but upon being given a voice, he becomes a Jewish guilt-ridden mess. This ancient monster is fretting about the Simpson dining room and no one is really batting an eye about it. The last segment, told entirely in sepia tone, features a Great Depression-era Springfield being horrified by Orson Welles’s infamous War of the Worlds broadcast, believing it to be real. When the misunderstanding is revealed, this leaves Kang and Kodos an optimal opportunity to strike and lay siege to the planet. It’s an idea with promise, but what we got is everyone wallowing naked in the mud making animal noises, and a beaten-to-death final gag about the alien invasion mirroring the Iraq War. Another disappointing Treehouse of Horror. At least I don’t have many left to sit through.

Tidbits and Quotes
– Even the opening feels wrong. Once we get past the awkward CG cel-shaded stair case and corridor, we get Burns as our Cryptkeeper surrogate, this whole thing being a reference to Tales of the Crypt. It’s cheesy and lame, but then all of a sudden ends with Moe being gruesomely killed in an iron maiden. Though I do like his astonishment of his blood spelling out the episode title (“Woah, look at that! My blood’s a genius! With fancy Roman numerals and everything!”)
– The very cavalier tone of the first segment isn’t helped with a Sir Mixs-a-Lot parody, “Baby Likes Fats” as Homer gobbles down a group of umpires and the guests at the Facts of Life reunion.
– I’ll admit, I laughed at Dr. Phil’s final line before being digested (“Food does not equal love!”) He’s a good sport, I guess. Then again, he also did Scary Movie 4, so I’m pretty sure he’s up for doing just about anything if you pay him.
– I kind of like Richard Lewis as the neurotic Golem (“This is the voice I’ve got? Sounds like I should be selling egg creams at Brighton Beach! …that’s what we call Jewish humor. You don’t have to understand it because the words sound funny!”) And who better to play his Jewish bride than Fran Drescher? I like the concept of this segment, but not much was really done with it.
– A lot of the jokes in the last segment really fall flat: Grampa referring to the First World War, Homer flat-out calling it a “war of the worlds,” Krabappel handing the kids cigarettes, Homer randomly killing people in a panic, and later feeling proud of it, and of course the horrible bit of the townsfolk nude in the mud, an idea that Marge of all people pitched. There’s a few jokes I did like though (“Astronomers say the ominous capsules originated from Earth’s closest neighbor.” “Flanders?”)
– The great Maurice LaMarche voices Orson Welles, and does a spectacular job as always. Though it’s kind of lame, I like the inclusion of “Nose bud…” Another good gag is his live sound effects artist quitting mid-show upon being given an overly complicated stage direction (“Now they’re playing the xylophone while bowling near an airport!”)
– I feel the ending with the Iraq allusion could have worked if they had cut it off short. Kang lamenting how he thought they would be greeted as liberators, and the hearts and minds gag all work, but then it keeps going with talk about Operation Enduring Occupation and weapons of mass destruction and it kind of ruins the bit. Also, I swear I remember in the original airing, over the final shot of the decimated city, there was a voice-over by Kodos saying, “This is just how Iraq will be.” Or something like that. I remember being furious after watching that. The joke had been made some incredibly obvious, and they felt the need to clarify it in case any dummies in the audience didn’t get it. It’s not in the version I have, so maybe they cut it out of future airings. An unusually smart decision from Zombie Simpsons? How odd.