(originally aired May 6, 2007)
It’s almost like I’m being punished. Two surprisingly great episodes in a row are immediately followed by two of the worst episodes of the season, perhaps of the entire series. From beginning to end, this one is just nonsensical garbage. We start with Maggie losing her shit when Marge takes away her pacifier, which ends up getting replaced by a squeaky dog toy. The noises keep Homer up at night and he develops insomnia. Why are none of the other family members affected? No reason given. He turns to medication to get him to sleep, namely a product called Nappein. You know, like Ambien? We’re getting closer and closer to Mapple territory, making a thinly veiled parody specific to one product really limits the range and possibilities of your jokes. The drug turns Homer into a sleepwalking mess, which Bart takes advantage of, and through a series of ridiculous events that hurt my brain to think about, he crashes his car into the fire station and incapacitates the entire crew. The way this happens is so mind-bogglingly cartoony and makes absolutely no sense. But whatever, it’s time for Homer the Firefighter! Another fucking job!

Homer, Apu, Skinner and Moe becomes volunteer fire fighters and grow accustomed to reaping the fringe benefits from the people they save. But eventually Moe figures that they can just steal shit from local residents and businesses under the excuse that the items were fire damaged. And everyone just goes along with this, with Skinner as the lone ethical hold-out. Moe is a lecherous reprobate, so I can see him doing this. Homer at this point is a brainless sociopath, his characterization is out the window, so whatever. But Apu? No way in hell. They just walk out of stores carrying stolen shit in broad daylight, and no one says a thing. Marge witnesses this thievery first hand and forces Homer to go clean. This involves saving Moe and Apu from a burning building, and him being regarded as a hero. Does he ever confess his misdeeds? No. Does he stop being a fire fighter? No, but he sure won’t be one next week. What about all the shit he stole? Instead of return it to the stores, we see he’s given them away to homeless people, evidenced by bums riding on Segways waiting at the soup kitchen. Wonderful. The store knows Segways were lost and are gonna see these guys riding them and think that they stole them, and they’ll be arrested. No lessons were learned, Homer suffers no repercussions for his actions, and nobody seems to care. The writers clearly didn’t. And neither do I. Fuck this episode.

Tidbits and Quotes
– The first few minutes of the episode concern Maggie throwing a fit after Marge tosses her pacifier, and Homer is unable to find her regular brand. When she replaces it with a dog squeak toy, I knew at some point later in the show, we’d see her again with her regular pacifier. And sure enough, we do. It’s not like I give a shit how she got a new one, it just says that what I spent watching in act one was a complete waste of time.
– My God, the mood swings joke. Twenty-two seconds has never felt so long listening to Homer scream, “Mood swings!” over… and over… and over…
– Homer fucks up the exhibits at a wax museum, and then later is personally responsible for smashing his car in the fire house and injuring everyone inside, but of course, he’s never held accountable for any of it. Same with the ending where he never gets brought to task for his many thefts. He’s invincible!
– Okay, so here’s how the firemen get put out of commission. This is incredible. Homer plows his car into the fire station, knocking over a pot of chili boiling on the stove, which is on despite all the firemen sleeping. He also knocks into the fire men’s pole, bending it at ninety degrees. Finally he smashes through the windshield of his car and triggers the fire alarm. The firemen get up, slide down the pole, get thrown down the hall sliding on the chili and slam against the wall. Then hungry Dalmatians maul them because they’re smothered in the chili. But why are the dogs vicious? Wouldn’t they just be fervently licking them instead of mauling them off-screen? It just doesn’t make any sense… but then again, why should it? Do I expect any different at this point?
– It’s stunning how little life our supporting cast has left in them. Skinner barely puts up a protest about the shenanigans in act three, and Apu barely says a goddamn thing as he proceeds to steal up a storm. Again, why the fuck is he doing this?
– Marge and the kids follow the firetrucks to see Homer in action. They’re on the sidewalk right in front of the store next door as Moe, Apu and Homer are all outside as they’re making off with the loot. How the fuck do they not see Marge standing right there?
– I feel like the montage of the kids looking sad trivializes Homer’s dilemma, as it almost seems like it’s a big guilt trip for him to relent and change his ways, instead of him acknowledging that he’s breaking the law and should stop on his own.
– With thirty seconds of show left, we see crowds cheering for Homer, and then a slow push-in on the big oaf’s dumb smiling face. It’s stunning. He’s gotten away with all this shit, and they give him a fucking hero moment at the end? Then we get the actual ending where he instead of giving the stuff back to their rightful owners, he gave them to hobos. Wonderful. What a wonderful fucking scumbag.

(originally aired April 29, 2007)
Well, after two surprisingly good shows, we’re back to basics, here in the most abjectly cruel episode ever. The Springfield Little League team the Isotots (cute) are heading for their championship game after a game-winning catch from Bart. The town is totally psyched about this potential grasp at piddling fame, which I guess is the joke, but the severity of what’s riding on the game is undercut by its utter insignificance. Shelbyville is down by three near the end, but a major fumble in left field by Bart ends up costing them the entire game. And the crowd boos. Oh, how they boo, and throw things at this poor, defenseless child. This abuse continues through the next few days, as grown adults continuously deride and degrade this ten-year-old to the point where he starts crying. I know the townspeople are quick to turn on people, and the gag is all about how seriously people take sports, but this is just going way too far over. They were out for blood when Bart cut off the head of Jebediah Springfield, that I can buy given its symbolism, but here, the kid just lost a fucking Little League game, how could they all care this long for that little?

Eventually, Bart snaps and vandalizes the entire town writing “I HATE BART SIMPSON,” ending with him hanging off a water tower. And then he lets himself fall. After Chief Wiggum tells him to jump. Let me repeat that. Chief Wiggum goaded a ten-year-old boy into killing himself. Earlier right after the game, he lets Bart in his squad car, only to drive him back in the stadium, put the top down (somehow) so spectators could throw shit at him. What an asshole. Anyway, Bart has just had an emotional breakdown and attempted suicide. Act three begins with him in the hospital… and the townspeople are outside as a mob still screaming and yelling at Bart. What in the mother of fuck is wrong with these people? It’s absolute insanity that they’re acting like this, and worse off, when Marge finally chews them out, Moe steps forward, speaking for the crowd, to give the most begrudging of apologies (“Okay, Midge, you made us feel bad about what we done to your boy.”) Oh, you mean drive him to kill himself? The ending involves everyone going through great, moronic lengths to recreate the big game so Bart actually wins, but at this point I’m already too incensed to get any angrier. The people of Springfield are impulsively, easily-swayed morons, but this episode just made them monsters.

Tidbits and Quotes
– There’s a B-story here too involving Homer being a mattress salesman (another occupation checked off). He helps the Lovejoys find a bed to help improve their love life, only to end up selling his own “miracle” mattress. But when that impedes he and Marge’s snuggling, they break into the Lovejoys to get it back. This premise doesn’t tie into the main story at all, so while Bart is busy being tormented and attempting to take his own life, we cut back to this plot with a completely different tone. In act three, we go from Bart in the hospital to Homer and Marge in burglar outfits sneaking about Lovejoy’s house. Their son almost killed himself and they still give a shit about that fucking mattress? The plot ends with them getting half a mattress, and they proceed to make love outdoors while a homeless man watches and proceeds to fondle Homer’s love handles. What. The. Fuck.
– I liked Homer’s search for the “husband chair” at Costington’s. He tries to snatch one until Wiggum gets there first and trains a gun at him (“My wife’s looking for a bathing suit that doesn’t make her look horsey, so I’m gonna be here a while.”) He aims and cocks his gun at an innocent man, and that’s not even the worst thing he does in this episode.
– After being so pleased with Homer and Lisa’s behavior the last two episodes, they’re back to “normal” now (“All this fuss for a baseball game? Why don’t thousands come to watch a teacher inspire a child?” “Why, it did happen! Just yesterday, in Crazy Town!“) Homer later sells out Bart right after the game, while everyone else does nothing. The vitriol from the entire town against Bart is so strong, why did it take so long for Marge to get on the defensive?
– The ending makes absolutely no sense to me, and really serves to demean Bart more. They stage an elaborate rematch of the game, then convince Bart he’s allotted over seventy “re-dos” when he can’t catch the ball. Is he that stupid that he doesn’t question what’s going on? And that the whole town would go along with this nonsense when days before, they were out to watch this kid die? The very end with the cut to the future makes it even worse, where Bart recalls that game as the greatest moment of his life, having never been exposed to the lie. It makes him seem absolutely pathetic, whereas before I had the utmost sympathy toward him. Then the spirits of Homer and Marge show up and talk about ghost sex. Okay. One of the worst episodes ever.

(originally aired April 22, 2007)
Another good episode? And J. Stewart Burns writing two in a row? What is going on? Despite a few quibbles, mainly with the A-story, both plots here are fairly well constructed, work within our characters, and provide a fair amount of laughs. Just as her husband did five years prior, Marge discovers the world of the Internet and quickly becomes hooked, in a lame, very Marge way, finding cheap prices for paper towels and sending holiday e-cards. She stumbles into a game called Earthland Realms, an MMORPG similar to games like Everquest or World of Warcraft. Of course we see our regular characters are all playing for some reason, but at least they all give explanations for why they’re there, like Mrs. Krabappel looking to find a man who can afford a computer. Then there’s appearances by Skinner, Sideshow Mel, Smithers, people I don’t think would waste their time with this stuff. But it’s par for the course to have some of our regulars here, so I don’t mind that much. The main thrust is that Bart is this super powerful warlord in the game, and Marge ends up finding a way to extend her overbearing mothering into the virtual world. Bart ends up accidentally killing Marge’s character, and to make things right, he sacrifices most of his life bar to revive her, leaving his avatar to be mercilessly slaughtered by the other players. A simple resolution, but done pretty effectively.

I actually really love the B-story, despite a somewhat rocky start. Lisa has taken up soccer, but there’s no referee. Who will step in? That wacky Homer of course, as we see a montage of him ripping off his sports bra and vomiting in an orange cone. But once we get past that, we get the actual story, where Lisa finds she can exploit Homer’s favoritism to cheat at the game. It’s startling nowadays to see her actually act like a kid, and even though it’s pretty dicey to have her act this self-serving, it’s still within the realm of an eight-year-old to act. Homer actually becomes a competent ref, and when Lisa’s transgressions are exposed, he throws her from the game. Even the superfluous guest spot is amusing: Brazilian soccer star Ronaldo singles Lisa out as a “flip-flopper,” but his acting is so wonderfully bad, and his character so unusually malicious, it ends up being pretty funny (“Another family broken up by Ronaldo. Yes!”) To make amends, Homer gets Lisa a PBS tape about the violent history of the sport, and in the end, Lisa apologizes to her father for the way she acted. I’m beside myself with this premise; Homer doesn’t irritate the shit out of me… instead, I empathize with him. And Lisa acts like a bratty kid, and then learns a lesson and we still love her too. I liked “Homerazzi,” but I think this subplot is the best thing I’ve seen on the show since the classic years. Good show, Mr. Stewart Burns.

Tidbits and Quotes
– I love how Marge comments how she can make her avatar into anyone she wants, then just proceeds to make it look just like her, as does everyone else in the game, apparently. It’s like in simulation games like The Sims where people make little virtual versions of themselves, when really the options for character creation are endless.
– It’s odd to see Dr. Nick make a cameo in the game as a dismembered head. We really haven’t seen much of him lately. And then he’ll be killed again in the movie, for real. Or not. I’m sure made a reappearance at some point.
– I really like the bits of Marge smothering Bart in the game, it’s pretty adorable (“What a fun quest! Aren’t you glad I made you take that nap in the middle?”)
– Lisa cites she was inspired to take up soccer by Bend It Like Beckham. It’s odd that in the flashback we see Apu stand up in approval of an arranged marriage in the film, considering how he tried so desperately to wriggle out of his own.
– I love how pissed Helen Lovejoy is at Homer discrediting her daughter (“You are so blind even Jesus couldn’t heal you!” “Helen, please, don’t drop the J-bomb.”) And I really mean no disrespect, but the way Ronaldo reads his lines is so off, but it’s hysterical (“Now, Ronaldo away!”)
– The scene of Bart and Homer ending up on the couch, both in hot water by the Simpson women, is fantastic. The conflicts are believable, and the two take a momentary solace in each other’s company (“I’ll never understand women if I live to be forty.” “Big ‘if.'” “You said it. Enjoy me while I last!”) Hey, these two are actually kind of amicable instead of being antagonists to each other! There’s a lot of small bits in this episode that echo to the golden years. Even the part with the phony Moe and the real one tied up in the back room was just the right amount of bizarre to still be funny.

(originally aired March 25, 2007)
Jeez, it’s been a while since I’ve actually had to… praise an episode. While it falls into Homer-gets-a-job territory as randomly as any other of its ilk, the humor in this episode is surprisingly sharp and consistently funny throughout the whole runtime. I suppose the reason could lie with writer J. Stewart Burns, who wrote many a good Futurama, but his name is also on garbage like “There’s Something About Marrying” and “The Monkey Suit.” But for whatever the reason, I can certainly say this is the best episode I’ve seen in two or three seasons. Through ridiculous circumstances, Homer becomes a tabloid photographer and begins to harass Springfield celebrities. In retaliation, they send their own paparazzi to tarnish his image, which since it’s Homer, doesn’t take long. Embittered, Homer cuts them down to size one more time, but vows he won’t release the photos if they abide his wishes for celebrities to not be so cold and indifferent toward the little people. It’s a respectable message, and the episode was never really about that, but Homer’s animosity toward celebrities is more enjoyable than his fawning like in “When You Dish Upon a Star.”

I don’t really care about the plot here, as it’s pretty bare bones, but we get from point A to point B in a logical, sensible manner, which at this point in the series is the best I can hope for. What shocked me most is the hit rate of a lot of the jokes here. I laughed a lot and there were several honestly clever bits here. There would be gags that would normally just hang there on their own and lie flat, but were followed up by jokes that made them funny, like Krusty blending the dollar bills and drinking it, usually for the show, that would be it, but they amp it up with him yelling at the bartender (“You call this a drink?!” “…no, I never called it a drink.”) Or when Homer meets with his editor (again J.K. Simmons doing J. Jonah Jameson) and he gets chewed out, they cut back to him at the kitchen table sadly recounting the story, repeating the last joke line he said, which actually makes it funny. I guess I’ll save this stuff for the quotes section, but really this episode works because it’s actually funny and I laughed. Sounds simple enough, but it’s something the show hasn’t done for me in a good long while.

Tidbits and Quotes
– The show starts with the Simpson family storing their prized possessions in a safe in case of a fire. Each pick really feels in character: Marge picks the family photo album, Homer picks the cologne he wore on his first date with Marge (Scent of a Wookie from Star Wars, not “Cosmic Wars”), and Bart picks a talking stand-up Krusty doll (“Where do the kids today get these band names? The Kinks? The Stones? Sounds like my last physical!” “Hah hah, references!”) Also, know-it-all Lisa gets cut down a peg; at first she talks about how she couldn’t decide one thing, so she made up a decision tree graph “which in and of itself is worthy of preservation,” capped with a smug self-satisfied giggle. But Homer will have none of this (“Tick-tock, sweetie.”) Then Lisa snaps back into actual child mode and saves her Malibu Stacy convertible (“It runs on her old makeup and out-of-style shoes!”) For once, I’m applauding Homer for being callous, in that it managed to get Lisa to act like a kid for once.
– The photo album is destroyed in a silly fashion, and the only recourse is for Marge to retake all the old pictures. It’s kind of dumb, but again, it works because the gags work. I like the fake-out where Marge trips with the developed photos and Homer runs them over with the mower, then Marge announces she has duplicates. Also, this joke (“Here I am on the space shuttle orbiting Earth.” “It sure was nice of NASA to send you up again.”)
– I feel like some of these jokes could completely fail in other episodes, but something about them here works. Marge is the one that suggests that Homer sell their mistaken snapshot to the tabloids so they can pay for the fire damage to the house. She holds up the two flyers (“We Pay $$$ for Celebrity Photos” and “Repair Estimate: $$$”) to communicate they’re the same amount. Later, she beseeches Homer to tone down his vicious paparazzi ways, but as she is a busybody housewife, she just can’t keep the tabloid down. It keeps her out of Homer’s hair in a believable, in-character way.
– More jokes that work: Homer’s dreams of being moderately wealthy (“I can rent anything I want!”), Krusty slamming his limo door into a kid’s head and yelling at him (“Jerks like you oughta be shot!”), and Homer’s shock at the upscale grocery store (“The clown on this cereal box is just a person!”)
– I don’t know if I like that they literally made it Maria Shriver marrying our Schwarzenegger surrogate Rainier Wolfcastle, but the wedding scene is amusing enough, so whatever (“Is that horrible man gone yet?” “Yes, mother, barring some kind of pendulum effect.”)
– Jon Lovitz returns as Enrico Irritazio, the photographer who slanders Homer’s image. Unfortunately he’s really only in one scene. But shockingly, the things we see Homer do aren’t incredibly awful, especially considering the shit we’ve seen him up to over the last six years. Him hanging Maggie on the dash while his TV Guide is in the car seat is pretty bad, but seeing her hang there happily giggling is so damn cute that I don’t mind.
– The show only has so many regular celebrities: it’s rather weird seeing Sideshow Mel at the lavish A-list bash with his arm around Princess Kashmir and eating the American flag. Also we see Lurleen Lumpkin about too, who I guess pulled herself up out of the gutter at some point. Except not really, but let’s save that for next season.

(originally aired March 11, 2007)
Abe and Selma get married. So the future episodes presented as gags at the end of “Gump Roast” are becoming… actual episodes. I was more confused at this one more than anything else. I was pretty surprised that they were attempting something more down-to-earth and serious, but it’s done with the show’s usual lack of sense or actual emotion. So Abe and Selma are stuck babysitting, and over a night hit it off. I guess. Abe gives her one pleasantry, they get drunk, then it’s make-out time. Later on, Selma admits it’s not something she wishes to pursue, but Abe insists that they merely continue enjoying each other’s company and see where it goes from there. And then that leads to him admitting he loves her and then they get married. What? There is zero connection between these two, besides the fact that Abe is a lonely old man, and Selma I guess will put out for any man who pays the slightest bit of attention to her. It’s a marriage built out of sadness. That makes for an entertaining twenty minutes.

This episode immediately reminds me of “A Fish Called Selma,” which is unfair considering that’s one of the greatest episodes ever, also depicting a loveless marriage with Selma. Except she and Troy together made sense, but here, her with Abe doesn’t at all. Why would she marry this senile old man, and trust leaving him alone with her child? Oh, and Ling is basically just a prop, in the incredibly rare occasion that we actually see her. The third act feels unbelievably awkward, as the two settle in their new home and try to make domestic bliss work, and fail at it. Selma gets a higher position at the DMV, and in the first scene we see she’s all together, but then in the next, she’s being derided by her superiors, I guess because she’s stressed out by having an ancient fossil of a husband at home she can’t trust to use a stove correctly. Are we supposed to give a shit about these two characters in this situation? I feel this episode would have worked a lot better if these two just had a nice inter-generational friendship; two lonely people making a connection, I would have bought that. But the two being in love? I know Selma’s pretty loose, but I imagine she must have some standards. On their honeymoon night when she tries to initiate… things, Abe thinks she’s Lisa and they’re at the circus. Isn’t that a rather large red flag?

Tidbits and Quotes
– There’s a ridiculously stupid B “story” involving Bart and Lisa getting hundreds of free boxes from a UPS knock off to build a gigantic fort in their backyard. Incensed, delivery men return in droves to engage in an epic battle. So, two kids versus what appears to be over sixty grown adults, fighting over a cardboard fort. You’re telling me one guy couldn’t show up and just knock it over? No, instead they’re immobilized by tripping over cardboard tubing and getting hit by egg cartons. Also, one of them rides a fucking dragon. This is all so the show can cram in a bunch of Lord of the Rings references, and as usual, these guys are right on time. When did Return of the King come out? Oh yeah, 2003, four years before this show aired.
– The episode opens with Homer gleefully filing for bankruptcy, not knowing that it doesn’t mean all his debts can go unpaid. A financial officer is appointed to manage his money, which includes three subscriptions to Vanity Fair and a thousand dollars a month to wishing wells. What does Homer find the most expendable expenditure of all? Paying for Abe’s stay at the Retirement Castle, so he rips him out and has him live at home. What about all those gags where Homer locks his father out of the house? He put him in the nursing home because he seemingly hates him.
– I’m almost shocked by the restraint the show had with the Flintstone car bit, where we see Homer flail his legs, but then we see him very painfully attempt to move the car along the road. It’s… like a good joke.
– The lemon candy suckling sequence is so disturbing. Those lip noises are fucking gross. Compare this to the pill eating scene in “Old Money,” which was unsettling and funny at the same time.
– To break Abe and Selma up, Homer and Patty concoct a ruse to make it seem like Selma is cheating, since Patty can easily disguise herself as her sister anyway. What brand of cliched sitcom contrivance is this? It’s the kind of shit this show used to mock relentlessly!
– I continue to be surprised how often I find myself comparing stuff favorably to the Scully years, and even on occasion, the early Jean years. But here, we have a repeat joke: throwing rice at a wedding, Lisa comments that birds eat them, their stomachs swell and they explode. In “It’s a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad Marge,” Bart comments, “Why am I just hearing about this now?” He grabs a bag of rice and leaves. Fair enough joke. But here, we have to push it where we actually see the birds swell up like balloons and blow up. I’m going insane here, I’m praising a Mike Scully episode for being subtle.
– Abe fucking with the kitchen appliances is normally broad comedic fodder for the character, but here it’s treated within this almost dramatic air in the context of this new marriage… it feels so wrong. Like I don’t understand what this episode is trying to say. Like with Troy McClure, Selma amicably ends the marriage, but the difference is I understand completely why she married Troy, and am at a complete loss of why the fuck she would want to wed and bed the doddering old fool of a father of the man she detests most of all.

You’ll notice these reviews are coming out quicker and quicker. I’m so close to the end, and these episodes are becoming more and more unbearable to me… The sooner it all ends, the sooner I can never, ever watch new episodes ever again! And that will be the greatest gift of all. Not an Xmas gift, that would be pushing it. Though my birthday’s in February. It’ll be a good birthday gift.