(originally aired November 16, 2008)
This episode is kind of like “Lisa the Greek,” except it’s terrible. More pretentious know-it-all Lisa, and unforgivable asshole Homer, together in one aggravating, uncomfortable show. Lisa develops a knack for doing crosswords, becoming an expert, because the Simpsons are insanely fast learners nowadays. These are New York Times level crosswords, containing clues pertaining to history, old pop culture, an untold multitude of questions that no eight-year-old girl could possibly be able to figure out. But never mind that, of course Lisa knows Isaac Bashevis wrote Yentl, or the Bay Area Rapid Transit. Doesn’t everyone? She is entered into a crossword competition, going up against adults. In “I’m Spelling As Fast As I Can,” we had Lisa in a spelling bee against other kids, that makes logical sense. Here, she’s besting everyone at doing these really hard crosswords with questions that there’s no possible way she would know the answers to. Lisa is very smart, but she’s still just a little girl, something the writers fail to remember a lot of the time.

Shit hits the fan before the final round. Homer has been making huge bets for her daughter to win it all, but pulls back when Lisa talks to him about her worry that she might sabotage herself as she gets closer to the finals, in a rather depressing manner that again sounds nothing like an eight-year-old (“In my young life, I’ve seen that every time I’m about to achieve true happiness, some little piece of me says, ‘You don’t deserve this,’ and another little piece says, ‘I agree.'”) This is really worrying behavior. Perhaps Homer should quit while he’s ahead, hold onto his already vast winnings, and get her daughter into therapy. Or, he can bet against her and get some more money. What a fucking scumbag. Lisa finds out and is livid of course, so much so she rejects the Simpson name and rebrands herself Lisa Bouvier. How will Homer wiggle his way out of this? By someone contacting the guys who make the New York Times crossword to print clues in the form of a half-assed apology to her. That’ll patch things up nicely. How about Homer put that ill-gotten money into Lisa’s college fund? Nah, twenty minutes is up, we’ve wrapped things up already, never mind. Can you imagine “Lisa the Greek” now? Homer would’ve bet on the big game in the third act and acted like an inconsiderate buffoon, until the last two minutes where we’d have an insincere resolution crammed in. Just awful.

Tidbits and Quotes
– Homer is aggravating from the start, with his new “business” of assisting with break-ups, where he will do the break-up for someone who’s too spineless to do it themselves. This proves to be quite lucrative, starting off with him dumping Skinner for Edna, who for some reason can’t do it herself, and also the two are together again, I guess. Homer even gets a call from his old roommate Grady (“The gay guy?” “That’s not all I am!”) Sorry, but on this show, that is all you are He wants to break up with Julio since now he’s with Duffman. Homer goes down to the gay club to tell him, and assists everyone else in the club with their breakups: everyone just move one guy to the right and they’re all happy. Because gay guys are promiscuous, and will fuck any other guy without qualm. Those craaaaazy gays! The Homer plot doesn’t even tie into the crossword betting, only in that he uses his money he earned from this “business” to bet with. But if he’d have pulled out a giant wad of cash out of nowhere, I wouldn’t have batted an eye at this point.
– I take issue with the words having been removed from the dictionary: I still use ‘skedaddle’ and ‘hootenanny’ all the time.
– I really don’t understand why Gil is the champion at the end for several reasons. First, it’s Gil coming up with a duplicitous plan to trick this little girl and take home the gold. This is Gil, the ultimate loser, he shouldn’t be this sharp. That and he completes the entire crossword in under five seconds, which is just fucking impossible. Also, why would his plan work at all? Even if Lisa had never seen any of Gil’s matches, he still got all the way up to the semi-finals. He has to be really good at crosswords, otherwise he wouldn’t even be there. So if it were Gil or just another random character, either way it makes no goddamn sense.
– It’s astounding just how insensitive and monstrous Homer is in this episode, only finally feeling remorseful once he realizes he’s in the doghouse. Seeing him filled with glee at Lisa losing as his tray of money is handed over to him is such an unpleasant sight. They might as well have made the act break Homer laughing maniacally fanning himself with bills with Lisa’s face crying on a TV in the background.
– Marge never knew Jacqueline Kennedy’s last name was Bouvier, thinking it was just Jackie O (“Like Spaghetti-O’s!”) Seriously? More of the writers mistaking her naivety for her just being stupid.
– Oh my God! Will Shortz and Merl Reagle guest star! Two people that no one fucking knows! Reagle did all the crosswords appearing in the show, including a special Simpsons-themed one for the New York Times the Sunday this episode aired. He did a fantastic job, and I’m sure he worked harder on those than the writers did on this whole fucking episode.

(originally aired November 9, 2008)
Did Homer and Marge do anything else in their past other than fight, break up and get back together? The writers certainly can’t think of anything else, so here’s another fucking flashback episode. This one actually jumps between two time periods, twenty years prior, and five years prior to present day, about Homer and Marge’s simultaneous almost affairs. This is after “I Married Marge” and “Lisa’s First Word,” by the way, and all those wonderful, beautiful moments where we saw just how much these two love each other and what Homer is willing to do for his wife and his family. Here, they squabble and bitch about stupid shit, because their relationship is always on the rocks in every time period (“Homer Simpson, I wish I’d never met you!”) First we see young Homer and Marge hitch a ride with recent newlyweds Ned and Maude Flanders. Goddammit, more of the “everybody knew everybody” shit again. Worse yet, of course this is more psycho religious Ned, forcing Homer and Marge to sleep in separate rooms and having Maude wait up in a tree with a Super Soaker aimed at Homer’s penis if case he tries any funny stuff the morning after. No, really, that happened.

The most focus is on five years ago when Homer and Marge both almost had one-night stands with two people they met at a party, two people whose names I don’t remember and have no real character traits to speak of. The guy is another Hank Azaria-voiced swarthy fellow, and the girl is another nondescript Tress MacNeille voice. I’ll once again reiterate this is after Bart and Lisa were born, so Homer and Marge’s relationship should be pretty strong and meaningful at this point. But instead, they have a petty skirmish… something about Homer being reckless and irresponsible, and him thinking Marge is no fun. Okay… whatever. The two characters end up together at the end, and they show up at the cabin that the present day Simpsons are visiting, and the truth is revealed. Homer and Marge have another falling out, and get back together by the end, because of course they do. I think this may be the worst flashback show ever… yes, even worse than “That ’90s Show.” That and “The Way We Weren’t” were terrible, but at least they existed in Homer and Marge’s pre-marital days. Here, the events of the classic flashback episodes already happened, and despite all that, we see Homer and Marge are still as flimsy a couple as ever, negating everything those other shows stood for.

Tidbits and Quotes
– Nice small joke at the beginning where Lisa and Maggie are asleep in the backseat leaning against each other, and Bart toys with their heads, seeing that their spiky hair interlocks like cogs.
– Holy shit I hate the Flanders stuff. Homer’s instant irrational hatred of Ned in “Lisa’s First Word” is a lot funnier than here where we see young Homer is taken with the guy, at least until he splits them up (“I never thought I’d say this, but… stupid Flanders.”) See, it’s funny because he hates Ned in modern day! Idn’t that great! Also, Ned is a sick, sick fuck, putting a bear trap outside Homer’s door (“What better way to celebrate our wedding night than by keeping an unmarried couple apart?”) and getting aroused by Maude buttoning up her dead grandmother’s pajamas.
– Bart plays a video game, Cereal Killer, where he guns down famous cereal mascots, all voiced by Maurice LaMarche. I found it funny since LaMarche actually is the voice of Toucan Sam, and here he does his death cries as he’s shot down.
– They try to play Homer and Marge extremely naive in how they stumble into almost fucking these other people, but I don’t get it. These two are grown adults who should be able to pick up on obvious cues (“You are adorable! Are you alone?” “No, I’m talking to you at this great party!”) Marge doesn’t speak up for herself because she’s a namby pamby pushover, and Homer they just have get drunk. That almost feels worse to me… this whole episode feels worse, to be fair.
– I don’t see exactly what bullshit lies Homer and Marge concocted for each other on where the other had been all day, why they both ended up at that cabin, where Marge got that fancy dress, or where the girl’s car or the guy’s giant plane came from.
– The only good thing in the episode comes from li’l Bart and Lisa. Abe arrives at the cabin with the two kids and passes out on the bed. Bart cheers that now they can stay awake forever, the two jump for joy, then immediately pass out. So freaking adorable.
– The peddle car bit with Bart and Lisa is cute at first, but goes on for twice as long as it needs to.
– It’s weird that Marge, and seemingly Homer, would hold onto the cabin memory as one of the most beautiful moments of their marriage considering the secretive circumstances. You’d think each of them would be quick to brush those memories off and not mention them, let alone go on a family visit to the cabin where they almost fucked other people.

(originally aired November 2, 2008)
And finally we come to the last Treehouse of Horror on my roster, and guess what? It sucks. First is “Untitled Robot Parody,” starring Transformers, because when I think Halloween, I think of the fucking Transformers. There’s no real story here, just a bunch of jokes about robots forming from regular appliances and machines. Honestly, there’s a million things to rip on about Transformers, and they don’t even try. Next is “How to Get Ahead in Dead-Vertising,” where ad executives convince Homer to kill off celebrities so they can reap the profits of using their likenesses royalty-free. Again, no plot. Homer is a psychopath and murders dozens, the celebrities rain down from heaven and kill him. The end. Lastly is “It’s the Grand Pumpkin, Milhouse,” which if you’ve gathered, is a parody of the Peanuts Halloween special. I can kind of appreciate the care that went into this segment, with attempts at watercolor backgrounds and mimicking the animation style of the classic special in some shots, but there’s not much else here. Of course the Great… rather, Grand Pumpkin was going to turn out to be a monster, then you’re just waiting for the thing to end. And there you have it: as I’ve mentioned before, what once were season highlights are now as boring and uninspired as the rest of the crop. That is the tragic rise and fall… of the Treehouse of Horror.

Tidbits and Quotes
– We open with Homer voting in the 2008 election, a segment that has aged super well. I guess well enough that they effectively reused the same joke this year for 2012. An odd thing about this episode I noticed was the inconsistency of violence. The opening ends with Homer getting sucked into the voting machine, we hear buzz saws and him getting horribly maimed, then he’s spit out, just looking a little roughed up with no blood whatsoever. Then we get to the second segment, which features a rather long shot of Krusty getting fed into a wood chipper, with blood spewing out and him screaming in agony until he is reduced to a mangled pile of flesh and organs, perhaps the goriest scene in the entire series. Then later, Krusty shoots Homer with a shotgun, which causes his head to literally explode on camera. Jesus, I’m no prude, but can we find a happy medium with this violence, please?
– Homer gets into his car, which then transforms into a robot with him inside it. And the shading changes from pink to red and blue like Optimus Prime. This leaves Homer sticking out of the robot’s anus, which it has for some reason. This only serves to remind me of the amazing Transformers bit from Clerks: The Animated Series where we saw people run into a car, then it transforms into a robot, and we see blood gushing out of it as everyone inside is instantly crushed.
– The first segment ends with the two main robots facing off, one being the Malibu Stacey car Bart got. But it was like a toy size, and now it’s humungous. Oh, who cares.
– Act two opens with a parody of the Mad Men opening. Or, rather, it is the Mad Men opening with Simpsons characters in it. It’s the Family Guy mistake where you confuse making a reference to actually doing a parody. How does this lampoon Mad Men in any way? It’s just another attempt for the series to appear relevant by referencing a current item in pop culture.
– Honestly, with Homer’s behavior over the last decade, I don’t bat an eye at him just murdering celebrities and getting away with it. This could basically be a normal episode at this point.
– I like Jimmy Stewart blocking the gates of Heaven, and zombie John Lennon (“All we are saying, is let’s eat some brains!!”)
– Abe Lincoln is gay! Isn’t homosexuality hilarious, everybody? Isn’t it?
– There’s not much in the way of parodying Peanuts in the third segment. It’s a love letter to the short more than anything. And I love at the end they have Marge appear to comment, “And to those who feel like we’ve trampled on a beloved children’s classic…” Like this is their idea of “edgy.” Please. There’s an amazing background joke in an old South Park where the boys are watching and complaining about A Charlie Brown Christmas, then right before commercial, we see on the TV a naked Charlie Brown and Snoopy is bludgeoning him with a giant stick. That’s trampling on a classic.
– This episode kind of had a minor controversy with the Gay, Lesbian and Straight Education Network (whoever they are), who took issue with Nelson using the word “gay” to taunt Milhouse with. Curious they get upset now, as for the last few seasons, there’s been a derogatory gay joke or slur about every other episode. But I guess since this was the Halloween show, it had more viewers. I’m sure the writers were just glad to get the publicity for a day or two before it blew over.
– The pumpkin patch is right behind the school. Milhouse runs away from the Grand Pumpkin, somehow ending up at the Simpson house. Then he runs to the school. What? Are people even test-screening these shows anymore?
– I like the racist pumpkin bit (“I’d rather die than hate!” “Pumpkin segregation forever!”)

(originally aired October 19, 2008)
The first act of this show almost feels like leftovers from the last episode, with Homer and Marge being fed up with an out-of-control Bart, who is a rambunctious little brat who causes mischief because he can. I actually didn’t mind most of it on that front… until the plot began, at least. After the fallout of one of his pranks at a fancy dinner party, Bart encounters Simon Wusterfield, ten-year-old little rich boy who happens to look just like him! And shock of shockers, they switch places so they can experience each other’s lives! Four hundred and twenty three episodes in, we’re honestly doing The Prince and the fucking Pauper? The Simpsons comics actually already did this story early in their run where Bart swaps places with a pop star doppelgänger. I’m confused by the motivations here. Bart appears to be almost remorseful with his bad behavior, when you’d think he would be resentful of his parents and want to live unrestricted, which is why he’d want Simon’s carefree life. Again, it seems like someone mixed up pages of this script and “Lost Verizon” and no one noticed.

Once they make the switch, everything becomes absolutely boring. Simon is a non-character; no effort is made to explain why he’d want a commoner’s life, and we spend most of the entirety of the episode on Bart anyway, so it doesn’t matter. Bart lives it up in Simon’s spacious mansion until he encounters Simon’s half-siblings, who are set on offing him to collect their family fortune. He’s warned of their intentions by Mr. Burns, and Simon and the Simpsons must save Bart, and then they do, and the episode’s over. It’s just an exercise in watching the familiar plot beats, listening to the character’s exposit their every move, and waiting for twenty minutes to be up. There are a few token funny and sweet moments, but most of them are buried under humorless bits and lots of ridiculous shit. Also, again, thePrince and the Pauper? Really, you guys? Really?

Tidbits and Quotes
– The exposition-filled dialogue starts off right away (“Ponder this, Homer, this ticket could have been yours if your kid hadn’t been screwing around!”) No shit?
– It’s odd that we have Homer incensed by Bart’s bad behavior and Marge is quick to write it off, whereas their viewpoints were reversed in the past in “Itchy & Scratchy: The Movie.” I actually like some of the stuff in act one with Marge getting worn down by Bart’s shenanigans too, her having to wear her backup dress and it ripping when she goes to scold Bart after the party fiasco. I feel they could have merged the good parts of this and “Lost Verizon” into a good character-focused episode. Instead we get Machu Picchu and the Prince and the Pauper. Ah well.
– Lenny’s party is laugh-free, with his extended introduction and him singing “Thank You for Being a Friend.” Where are the jokes? And Bart setting off all the Roombas… just stupid.
– I don’t like that Burns mentions the Wusterfield fortune is greater than his. He’s supposed to be the richest man in Springfield! We never even see Simon’s parents, or find out what they do, or why they’re so rich; anything to make him any semblance of a character.
– The conversation between Burns and Bart is basically all exposition, where he flat out mentions the half-siblings might strike during a ski trip, and then later he appears in a thought bubble to reiterate that before they go off to Aspen.
– “Welcome to Aspen. Population: White” is a good gag, as are the sophisticated winos.
– Homer rescues Bart by, how else, being a reckless insane person. He yells, “This looks like a job for Captain Crazy!” before jumping off the chair lift and rolling down the mountain, forming a giant snowball that sucks Bart in for a wacky action sequence! Oh, brother.
– Even though the episode didn’t really earn it, the ending with Marge tucking in Bart is pretty sweet.

(originally aired October 5, 2008)
The Simpson family has always seemed to remain curiously out of time and out of date, so it’s always been a little weird seeing them grappling with new technology. It wasn’t until the early 2000s when they finally gave Homer a computer, and now we have Bart clamoring to get his hands on a cell phone like every other kid in school. Denied by his parents, he eventually finds one that belonged to Denis Leary, who Bart proceeds to fuck with. The episode then becomes basically a love letter to Leary, who is name dropped and lauded by characters numerous times, ending with him demanding Marge get her kid under control. He informs her of the tracking chip in his phone so she can keep an eye on him at all times. Marge is able to show up and stop Bart’s many shenanigans before they happen, until he catches wise to her actions. Bart then attaches the chip to the leg of a bird, leading the Simpsons on a wild chase that ends with them scouring Machu Picchu. Huh?

Under the surface there’s actually a potentially good premise here, of Marge learning that she needs to let her son go out in the world and experience things for himself, without her being a constant safety blanket. It’s just too bad it takes until the halfway mark to introduce this point, and it’s not given the proper time to develop. Bart is left home alone in act three and finds himself petrified of the dark, which feels like an easy solution of showing how he buckles without adult supervision. Meanwhile, Lisa discovers Bart’s trick with the chip strapped to the bird, but decides to hide that information because she really wants to go to Peru. So they drove all the way through Mexico to get there, without once thinking why the fuck Bart would be going there, and how was he going so fast. Or, better yet, why not call the goddamn cell phone and find out where Bart is? These logic gaps are just humungous. There’s some isolated moments here that work, which is high praise for a new episode, but everything around it sucks per usual.

Tidbits and Quotes
– There are a few nice things at the beginning, with Bart secretly enjoying Lisa’s tea party, Marge buying peas on an installment plan, and Dr. Hibbert’s aside comment to Dr. Nick when Bart fails to accomplish simple math (“This is why my kids go to private school.”)
– All the Denis Leary stuff is boring, just more ass-kissing (“Boston comedian turned movie star turned basic cable notable?”) Also, is there some kind of joke with him making Pop Tarts and dashing to catch them mid-air? I feel that might be a reference, or it might just be ordinary nonsense the show is prone to do.
– Marge seems nervous and conflicted about handing over the trackable phone to Bart, then is completely cool and collected walking in to spy with Homer (“Did he take the bait?” “Like a big-mouthed bass.”)
– More needless, needless exposition (“Well, I could tell Mom and Dad the chip is on the bird and hope they take me to Machu Picchu another time, or…”) Yeah, Lisa is never brought to task for her actions, by the way.
– A lot of work went into this Peru stuff. I wish it made more sense, and was set up better than an offhand remark Lisa makes in two seconds in act one.