(originally aired January 6, 2008)
Whelp, one step forward with “Eternal Moonshine,” two gigantic steps back with this episode, a disjointed, truly pathetic attempt at political satire with a mind-bogglingly nonsensical third act and no ending. Let’s begin with some Homer antics, because those are always enjoyable. Dreading the first day of his new diet, Homer drives down “Fast Food Boulevard,” sampling their many disgusting wares. He disposes of all the trash from his car at a Krusty Burger disposal, including a leaking car battery, which hits a main gas line. Lighting a cigar and tossing the match down the hole, he triggers an explosive reaction that decimates the entire block as he drives away puffing his cigar, completely oblivious. Is Homer ever held accountable for all this wanton destruction? Not at all. His arrogance was slightly annoying in the movie when he polluted the lake, but at least there he was brought to task for his actions. Here, either nobody knows or gives a shit. In the next scene, he’s rallying everyone at town hall to rebuild the entire area that he effectively destroyed, and to get the initiative passed quicker, Quimby moves up the presidential primaries, making them first in the nation.

This announcement sparks a media circus to convene to Springfield, with pundits and lobbyists poking their noses into everybody’s lives. All attempts at satire are so amazingly paltry, ground this show has covered so much better in older episodes. We also get references to then-current political figures like Fred Thompson and Dennis Kucinich, which definitely dates this episode. At the end of act two, Homer once again opens his fat fucking trap to encourage everybody to nominate the stupidest possible candidate to get everyone out of town. Who could it be? Ralph Wiggum. But this only causes both Democrats and Republicans to go after the kid, trying to get him on their side. The third act is so unbelievably bizarre, which I guess is what the writers were going for, but stretched to fill the entire six minutes, it doesn’t feel so much as a goof. And while we’ve seen the Republican Party Headquarters as a spooky castle many times before, now we see the Democrats HQ: at the salad bar of a whole foods store, populated with women (Lindsay Naegle), minorities (Bumblebee Man), and gays (Patty, and Julio, who holds up ass-less chaps he plans to wear to Ralph’s inauguration. This is your representation on the show, gay America. I’m so sorry). The episode ends with a political ad for Ralph’s candidacy… and that’s it. Well, I guess since the episode had no real story, then I guess it doesn’t need an ending, does it? What a piece of shit.

Tidbits and Quotes
– Lenny, Carl and Homer wait desperately for Burns to get in his car and drive away so they can leave, but he gets caught up talking to the mail room guy. So Homer calls the guy’s phone, tells him he has his wife and/or brother held hostage, and will release them if he steps back from Burns and does a little dance for his amusement. What a likable guy!
– Homer drives up to every fast food place on the block during one meal time. They roll a gigantic sub sandwich in his mouth as he eats it in one go. He douses fries and a lobster on top of a pizza, closes the box, shakes it up, then takes a bit into the box. It’s Homer the food monster!
– We get another nod of awareness with the Jerk-Ass Homer brand of cigars Homer smokes. And the fact that they make this “joke” during one of the most thoughtless, stupid and, yes, jerkass-iest things he’s ever done, is basically like the writers unzipping their flies and pissing in the fans’s faces.
– Jon Stewart has a completely disposable cameo. The joke is that Krusty tries to steal jokes from him, but it, like many jokes of the modern era, lasts twice as long as it needs to.
– Here’s a perfect example of the show over-extending a joke. A panel is being held for one of the debates, with someone from CNN, slate.com, and “Ron Laharr, a print journalist from the Washington Post.” The moderator says it with distinct disdain, you already get the joke, and it works. But then it’s ruined with Nelson and Skinner unnecessarily adding onto it (“Ha ha! Your medium is dying!” “Nelson!” “But it is!” “There’s being right and there’s being nice!”)
– I honestly don’t even feel like discussing the third act. It literally is the dumbest thing the show has ever done. Am I supposed to take it the least bit seriously? Should I care? Lisa voices her legitimate concerns as the only sane man, only to be immediately swayed when Ralph gives an unusually coherent, out-of-character rhetoric about what he “plans” for his “Presidency.” “Maybe you wouldn’t be such a bad President, Ralph!” Get the fuck out of here.

(originally aired December 16, 2007)
As I mentioned before with “Moe Baby Blues,” this is one of the very few episodes that panicked new Simpsons supporters point to, screaming, “See! The show’s still good! See?!” And as with “Blues,” yes, this is a pretty good episode. It apes its premise from the great film Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, but only as a plot device, crafting a believable and mostly investing story around it. One winter morning, Homer wakes up face down in the snow after a seemingly drunken night he can’t remember. He returns to an empty home, and he struggles to put the pieces together as to what happened. Only uncovering bits of Marge reacting resistant to him and getting a black eye, he fears the worst. The first act keeps us in the dark as to what happened, and of course we know there was no foul play, but we really feel for Homer in his confusion and disbelief over the situation. He knows he would never do something so horrible… but could he? It’s a rare, truly emotional portrayal from the dumb fuck caricature he’s become in recent years.

To jostle his memory, Homer visits Professor Frink, who has a device that allows one to search through their own memories. Act two has some great stuff in it within Homer’s mind, with him whizzing past thousands of frame grabs from past episodes to him attempting to physically alter his memories to get more information about what happened. When he uncovers what he thinks to be Duffman having an affair with Marge, he’s crestfallen, and decides to commit suicide (this’ll be attempt three of the series, for those keeping score). This leads to the only big issue I have with the episode, where Patty and Selma appear at the bridge Homer’s standing off of to insult him and push him off. Homer realizes the truth about what happened as he’s falling, that Marge was planning a surprise party for him, right before he lands on a moon bounce on his party ship down below. That’s some amazing timing, but I’m willing to overlook it. Then we get the kicker where we find that Homer purposely wiped out his own memory after feeling so bad about spoiling his wife’s surprise, in another strangely thoughtful move from him. A truly odd character turn for Homer, where it’s almost like he’s being portrayed as a… empathetic, likable person. A rare great one, especially considering the shit from the season so far.

Tidbits and Quotes
– The episode may have lifted the idea of its memory device, but how Homer blanked out in the first place is their own clever creation: Moe’s Forget-Me-Shot, a concoction designed to wipe out the last twenty-four hours of one’s memory, comprised of triple sec, quadruple sec, the red stripe from Aquafresh, and the venom of the Louisiana Lobotomoth. For once, a bit with a character listing off shit is actually funny.
– Speaking of moths, using them as a wistful transition into Homer’s slowly recovering memories is a pretty neat idea.
– Homer sledding with Bart and Lisa is a sweet moment. Where did asshole Homer go? And can he never come back ever again ever?
– Scanning through his memories, Homer goes through a vortex populated by screen grabs of episodes over the past eighteen years. Now because I’m a nitpicky asshole, there’s pictures from Treehoue of Horror shows, “Behind the Laughter,” and also moments in episodes where he was not present, like Bart’s trip to France in “The Crepes of Wrath.” Then again you could make the argument that his “memories” would have to be from his POV, so none of the pictures make sense. But if I were to go that far, I’d look like an even bigger douchebag.
– Homer, Bart and Lisa stomping about the house to get Homer’s memory going, causing Homer to get a nose bleed in real life is a pretty great gag.
– As he falls to his presumed death, Homer’s life flashes before his eyes, in the form of a parody of that YouTube video of a guy taking a picture of himself every day for six years. It’s a neat sequence, but it’s a full minute and basically feels like them just taking that idea and using it as a “tribute.” Though there’s a great reference within a reference when the mold in young Abe’s shitty apartment grows into a sentient gator and walks up the walls, a reference to the graffiti artist Blu.
– The cop-out that the squeaking Homer remembered hearing was actually a dried up marker, and Duffman was actually giving an ice pack to Marge (“I’m just giving it to your wife! She’s gonna be sore tomorrow!”) is so cheap, but unlike similarly ridiculous instances this season, I accept it here because I feel everything around it was good enough that they earned it.
– All of Homer’s closest friends are at the party: Mr. Burns, Smithers, Nelson, Mr. Largo, Martin’s dad, Lurleen Lumpkin, Blue-Haired Lawyer, Sideshow Mel, Mrs. Krabappel… Huh?
– Duffman storing beer where the life vests should be is pretty great.
– Though it’s a bit schmaltzy, I do like the very end, because again, it feels like the episode earned it (“Aren’t you going to drink?” “No, this is a moment I want to remember.”)

(originally aired November 25, 2007)
Like every other character, Sideshow Bob has become a one-dimensional shadow of himself, an intelligent murderous madman with seemingly no rhyme, reason or sense to his actions. This is such a bummer because of how amazingly written his episodes used to be, whereas now they’re just frustrating and stupid. Here, Bob’s evil scheme to kill the Simpsons, because since his last appearance, he’s extended his scope from Bart to the whole family, is to lure them into a trap: the grand opening of a family-style BBQ restaurant. A restaurant he builds himself, records an elaborate commercial and pays for air time for, which he hopes the Simpsons will see and go to. So is he waiting in that place all day long, warding off potential customers, for when the Simpsons will possibly maybe show up? Bob’s schemes used to be about something, having some air of purpose or sense to them. This is just fucking stupid. Bob intends to kill the family with boxes of TNT like in a Looney Tunes cartoon, but of course he gets foiled very quickly. This is only the start of act two and I’m already pissed.

At his trial, Bob tries to reason his murderous actions were due to insanity caused by constant haranguing by Bart, and he tries to ploy the jury’s sympathies, as they have also had run-ins with the young prankster. I guess I can see that, but it’s still not an ironclad defense, but as we see, it wouldn’t have mattered anyway. Bart knocks a vial of nitroglycerin from Bob’s hands, but it turns out it was for his congenital heart defect, causing his ticker to stop short and he dies. But, of course, this was all a ruse too. Bob’s father injected his son with a serum to simulate death, and his brother Cecil convinced Bart to pay his final respects to Bob at the funeral home, where Bob could reveal himself and cremate the boy in his place. But Lisa figures out this whole entire plan apropos of nothing, and manage to stop them just in time. Now the entire Terwilliger family is behind bars: Bob, his wife and son, Cecil and his parents, all evil masterminds. How creative. It was interesting in “Brother From Another Series,” since you suspect Bob to be the villain, and then it turns around and it’s Cecil. But all of this just seems so lazy and unoriginal. A particularly horrid Bob episode, but thankfully the last one I ever have to watch.

Tidbits and Quotes
– The episode starts with the family getting a Tivo. What, no Mapple treatment in calling it TeeVee or something? Maybe the staff was hoping to get free Tivos. The family is thrilled that they can skip commercials, but eventually Marge’s guilt gets to her and she goes back to watch all the ads. Actually, the first time we see them skip commercials, not only do we see many ads from the series past, like for Mr. Sparkle and SpringShield, we also see Bob’s fake ad. So Bob’s plan in getting the Simpsons to see the commercial is so flimsy enough, but with Tivo, they would never have seen it at all. At what point would Bob just give up and close up shop? The whole thing makes no fucking sense.
– The animation of the Itchy & Scratchy cartoon looks really good, with a lot of exaggerated movements and takes.
– Bob explains how he built the restaurant and edited the commercial, and what a laborious scheme it was. And the real kicker is, he planned the rest of the events out too. So this flimsy bullshit plot was actually just a prelude for his other flimsy bullshit plot. Why wouldn’t he just kill the Simpsons right then and there? Why go through the rest of that crap?
– John Mahoney voices Bob’s father, because the writers figure, hey, we had Frasier’s brother voice his brother, let’s get Frasier’s father to voice his father too! Bob’s mother is voiced by… guess who… Tress MacNeille. Shocker. Both provide nothing interesting whatsoever.
– Krusty sings at Bob’s funeral, ending with hocking a new DVD of the best Sideshow Bob moments from his show. But what about “Day of the Jackanapes” where he admitted to taping over all of Bob’s shows? Oh, who cares.
– The only thing in the episode I liked was David Hyde Pierce’s return as Cecil, who gets a nice scene with Bart (“Bob and I never got along. He was always zigging when I zagged. One summer when he wanted to tour the castles of Italy, I wanted to tour the castles of France, so we went to Spain, a compromise that satisfied no one.”)
– How could Lisa have figured out Bob’s entire plan, with his father injecting him and faking his death? The only tip-off she had was about Bob’s coffin having extra room for his feet. Why would they care about the comfort of a corpse? But maybe the family would have done that so they wouldn’t have to cram poor Bob’s feet into a regular coffin out of respect. Anyway, Lisa and her parents burst in the funeral home to save the day, because of course Bob has the coffin heading into the furnace extreeeeemely slowly. But here’s the thing: we got Homer, Marge, and Lisa vs. Bob, Cecil, Francesca, Gino, and Mr. & Mrs. Terwilliger. They could easily subdue the Simpsons, or manage to stall them long enough for Bart to be incinerated. Instead, Homer and Marge go in, stop Bob and get Bart out of the coffin. I guess everyone else is just standing around watching. Why aren’t they doing anything? What a load of shit.

(originally aired November 18, 2007)
I know unrelated first acts are expected at this point, but goddamn this one is pretty egregious. We start with a brand new comic book store opening across from the Android’s Dungeon, one I guess Comic Book Guy never noticed being worked on until its grand opening. Its proprietor, voiced by Jack Black (another talent wasted), is actually jovial and open with his customers, leaving CBG shit out of luck. It isn’t long until business dries up and he closes his store for good. Think this is going to lead to something important? Not at all. Comparing her waistline to a Wonder Woman standee outside the other comic shop, Marge decides to join a gym to get into shape, but finds them to be too intense and showy. She vows to open a fitness center for “normal” women, and noticing the space for rent at CBG’s old shop, she opens “Shapes.” You know, like Curves! Usually, aborted first acts are just kind of rudimentary things happening, but here, it ends with Comic Book Guy’s store closing. Isn’t that kind of a big deal? I guess not, because after he locks his doors and sadly walks into the distance, we never see him again. Plus seeing the continuation and resolution to that story sounds way more interesting than what is to follow.

Act two starts with Marge’s chain (!) of stores being a monster hit, another example of characters becoming super talented and successful in a matter of seconds. Now she’s a highly regarded and respected business mogul, because I guess that can happen now in the course of an episode. Once we get to this point, the actual Shapes stores aren’t really regarded anymore, as the plot shifts to Homer’s unease being a layabout husband. Is it because he thinks he should be the breadwinner? Perhaps he misses seeing Marge at home since she’s working all the time. Maybe he could team up with Comic Book Guy to help take down his competitor and Shapes simultaneously. Or, it can be that Homer fears Marge will marry some new buff guy now that she’s successful, so he gets his stomach stapled to make himself more attractive. Then we have the ending where he becomes an abnormal monster after having an enormous amount of surgeries done, and he’s chased around town a la Frankenstein. Considering the extent of the damage, I figured this must have been a dream sequence, but honestly, at this point in the series, it wouldn’t have surprised me if it wasn’t. Then after all this bullshit nonsense, they have the gall to end the episode with Homer asking Marge why she stays with him. I’ve been pondering the same thing for eight seasons now. A complete broken down mess of an episode.

Tidbits and Quotes
– They wasted their time designing a new comic shop, and getting four guest stars, all for the first act which is completely unrelated to anything else in the episode. It’s pretty incredible; couldn’t they have come up with a Comic Book Guy-centered story instead of the shit that comes after this? I know all of the guest star artists, but this definitely feels like another instance of “who the fuck are these guys?” for 90% of the public. My favorite is the always upbeat Alan Moore (“You wrote my favorite issues of Radioactive Man!” “Oh really? So you like that I made your favorite superhero a heroin-addicted jazz critic who’s not radioactive?” “I don’t read the words, I just like when he punches people.”)
– At the Android’s Dungeon, CBG and Martin discuss Superman and Batman. Then at Coolsville, Milo talks about the Formidable Mulk and the Thung. It’s the whole Star Wars/Cosmic Wars thing again, except this time it’s within the same episode. Are you going to reference the original characters, or make up shoddily named knock-offs? You have to pick one or the other.
– The OK GO music video parody with the treadmills sure hasn’t dated itself. Nope. Not at all.
– We previously established the new comic book store is right across the street from the Android’s Dungeon. Marge walks out of L.A. Body Works and what is directly across the street? The Android’s Dungeon. It really is like they just crammed these two stories together with no regard at all.
– We never really see exactly what Marge’s gym is or why it’s such a success. It instantly becomes popular, and we get these glowing endorsements from Selma and Bernice Hibbert (“I love this gym!” “Me too!”) Then we see Lisa working the front desk, because I guess she doesn’t go to school, telling Marge she’s so busy she needs to open up a second location. Okay?
– The writing for the “conflict” is amazingly bad. A group of husbands give a list of telltale signs that Marge might want to get a new husband, then we see Homer consult said list that he’s written down. It’s like, one, two, three, that’s all of them! And he’s so worried, yet when he gets Marge to talk about her day, we see he’s preoccupied with the TV, then he remembers the list and finishes it off, then he breaks down in tears as he proceeds to steal amenities from the hotel room. It’s beyond short term memory into what I fear Homer might be bipolar.
– In one of the clunkiest, most hackneyed and cliche contrivances ever, Marge consults some other ladies about getting a new handbag, but Homer walks in after that part is said and he thinks they’re discussing her getting a new man. But just so the audience knows for sure, Homer spells it out even clearer (“They’re convincing Marge to dump me!”) No shit, we picked that up. What follows is just more out-of-place shock humor (“I get a new one every two years! From Italy!” “You would love a big black one!”) Ugh.
– The saggy excess flesh Homer has banded behind his back is so fucking disgusting. As is the remainder of the episode, really. Though the only laugh I got from the episode came from the plastic surgeon holding up a gigantic staple remover in fixing Homer’s stomach back up.

(originally aired November 11, 2007)
Hey look, another episode! Kirk and Luann are finally getting re-married, effectively undoing everything that “A Milhouse Divided” created. As I mentioned previously, I would mind this more if the writers actually did anything with the divorce other than make Kirk the saddest, most pathetic caricature of a single father ever. Milhouse stays with the Simpsons while his parents have a romantic honeymoon cruise, but are soon declared missing, presumably dead when they accidentally fall off the ship. This is kind of a big deal, and I feel that no one really acts appropriately about it. Plus, is Milhouse just going to stay with the Simpsons forever? I notice that we live in a bizarro universe where no one seems to have relatives and inevitably ends up on the Simpson couch. What about Nana Van Houten? (“You dial ‘9-1,’ and then when I say so, dial ‘1’ again!”) Anyway, Milhouse decides that as an orphan, he needs to man up, so he adopts a new sullen persona, making him a hit at the school, and alienating Bart.

The plot then becomes about Bart wanting to regain his popularity and cut Milhouse down a peg, which is bizarre considering you’d think there would be a bit more sympathy for a character whose parents are supposedly dead. Bart tracks down Milhouse’s rugged uncle from the west coast to reconcile with him, and eventually take him back home with him, something that was not in Bart’s plan. But wouldn’t this happen anyway? Again, where are Milhouse’s other relatives? Bart is pained at the thought of losing his best friend, a sentimental moment I would buy if the episode had shown him actually give a shit about Milhouse. I dunno, it all just feels sort of muddled. They set sail on a hot air balloon, and then of course end up sailing right over a tropical island where Kirk and Luann have been stranded, and everyone’s reunited and everything’s okay. I’m for any kind of change at this point in the series, because why wouldn’t the writers want to shake things up just a little bit? I remember when this first aired, I was thinking why they didn’t just let Milhouse leave. Does it really matter? But no, status quo dictates everything goes back to normal, every time. While in the past that was done tongue-in-cheek, now it’s just frustrating.

Tidbits and Quotes
– Kirk and Luann wearing the same outfit is disturbing, and Bart pointing out how much they look alike adds onto that. It’s one of those unspoken classic cartoon things where male protagonists have girlfriends that look exactly like them. I feel like Minnie Mouse was initially created as a goof, but now almost a hundred years later, she’s a prominent icon for the Disney company.
– This season has been crazy about rattling off joke names, it seems like every episode has them. I just imagine how long they must have pitched these scenes to come up with each name, and it’s all just unfunny time killing. Homer sounds off different types of ties, and then later the endless sequence of him pointing out water-related food products, all of which I assume the writers were hoping for complimentary samples from the company for mentioning them on the show.
– There’s a pointless story that I can’t even consider a B-plot of Homer desperately trying to remember the color of Marge’s eyes. To keep him from cheating, Marge dons dark glasses whenever Homer is around. Then later when it’s announced Milhouse’s parents are missing, we see her trying to console him still wearing the glasses. Why don’t you take those things off, there’s more pressing matters going on here. In the end, Homer sings some dumb song and finally remembers: her eyes are hazel. Then we zoom in on Marge’s face, and see that around her black pupil is a colored iris… and it looks very wrong. I think it would have been funnier if Homer was like, “Hazel! Of course!” as we zoom into a completely black pupil like we always see them. I think South Park did a joke like that where someone comments on someone’s beautiful green eyes, and it’s just a black dot.
– “Hey, loser, your mom called. She said, ‘Glub glub.'” That seems a bit harsh, even for Nelson. Also, Lisa is aghast at Milhouse’s new persona, even though they live in the same house and she must have seen him at some point. Also, this plot “point” goes nowhere.
– The “jokes” about Solvig, CA I’m sure played well at the show’s California offices, but I don’t get any of it. Apparently they’re like Denmark, so what’s some shit we can name? Butter cookies. Hans Christian Anderson. Aquavit. Done.
– The only laugh in the episode is from the much maligned rope climbing instructor (“In the real world, rope climbing skills are vital!”) When Bart latches onto the dangling rope from the ascending hot air balloon, he gets validated (“Well, whaddya think of Mr. Johnson’s rope climbing class now?” “Still sucks!”)