(originally aired March 30, 2008)
Another stupid episode with two stupid stories: one an absurd over-exaggerated repeat of a theme we’ve seen before, and another that’s just… stupid. Marge is inspired to take up ballet by a commercial for a new dance academy, having done so in her youth. Despite having not done it in decades, she seems to be quite good, until she gets one cramp and her instructor tells her to get lost. Lisa chews him out, and he notices that she, for some reason, is standing feet out with perfect posture, and accepts her into his program. So Lisa’s a dancer now for some reason… haven’t we seen this before? But the bigger story is Marge living vicariously through her daughter, which we’ve seen before in “Bart Star.” As coach, Homer pushed Bart hard and showers him with praise, wanting him to be the star athlete who has his father’s support that he never had (“You shouldn’t pressure Bart like that.” “Well, if you know a better way for me to live through your son, then I’d like to hear it.”) It was done very believably and subtly. But now, we get dialogue like this (“The important thing is someday I’ll be watching my little Marge dancing at Lincoln Center.” “Lisa, Mom. I’m Lisa.” “Of course, you’re Lisa. Lisa the dancing Marge girl.”) Has she gone insane?

So in the academy, Lisa finds that the other dancers get their grace and slim frames from smoking, and she discovers that inhaling second hand smoke benefits her as well. So I guess this is sort of like their very special episode about smoking, but since Lisa’s only eight, and the writers love to write the kids older, this was their way of getting around it. It doesn’t even matter, since in the end, it all devolves into a gigantic farce. Speaking of, the B-story involves Homer’s homemade stockpile of jerky getting ransacked by a couple of raccoons, and his efforts to capture them, all with “hilarious” results. He only calls off his attack when he sees their little raccoon family, and look! They all look like the Simpson family! And if you didn’t get it, Homer names each one! And we see the little Homer raccoon strangle the Bart raccoon! This is shit I’d expect from a Saturday morning cartoon, not the fucking Simpsons. The two plots “cross” when Homer lets one of the raccoons loose to steal the dancers’s cigarettes, causing them all to completely lose their shit after intermission. It’s insane and weird, Lisa quits ballet, and the episode’s over. Yet another stinker.

Tidbits and Quotes
– The episode begins with the Simpsons attending the midnight release of the final Harry Potter... sorry, “Angelica Button” book. When was the last Potter book released? Oh yeah, two years ago prior to this episode. Each family member gets a book, Lisa skims through the entire thing on the car ride home reading out the main plot beats, finishes, and they all throw their books out the window. Then they go watch TV. Totally in-character for Lisa to do.
– I like Hank Azaria’s voice for the dance instructor. He’s kind of funny. I guess.
– A disturbing bit where Marge mentions she fell out of ballet when her breasts off-set her balance, because they came in one at a time.
– More compare and contrast: in “Last Tap Dance in Springfield,” Lisa wants to give up dancing. In this episode, Homer wants to pull Lisa from the class because of the second hand smoke thing. In “Tap,” Homer and Marge lavish Lisa with praise and happiness over their “little Broadway baby.” It’s laid on a bit thick, but feels very real, two parents who are just in awe of their little girl’s supposed talent. In this episode, Marge is a crazy person, making a gigantic ballerina cake and acting like without her daughter fulfilling her dream, she’d just up and die. She’s just way, way, way too into it.
– The ending is just batshit insane. Without cigarettes, the dancers go a little nutty. And by nutty, I mean fucking bonkers. One tries to smoke her finger. One suckles on a No Smoking cigarette sign painted on the wall. One smokes a program. One rips hair from her head to smoke that. They hadn’t smoked for about an hour, and they’re doing this. But that’s the joke, right? The problem here, and it’s a consistent problem with the show now, is their penchant for over-exaggeration. It just becomes too much, it becomes too absurd to be funny, and makes the show feel less real to me.
– I did like the dance instructor’s dramatic exit, continuing all the way down the block and onto the bus. That’s about the only thing in this episode I liked though. Then it ends with Homer forcing Bart to train to be a luchador for some reason.

(originally aired March 9, 2008)
I thought an episode revolving around a now completely forgotten character would be kind of interesting… but nope. It’s a thin, ultimately boring premise that gets its air time cut in half to service a bizarre and disturbing B-story. Bart pulls a prank on Martin in the woods that gets him accidentally thrown over the railing of a steep cliff, plummeting to his supposed death. Fearing her flawless reputation, Lisa demands that Bart hush up about it, but his conscious slowly begins to eat away at him. I kind of like this role reversal, though it’s played a bit extreme with both parties, but I’m willing to buy it. What I don’t buy is Nelson inexplicably playing Columbo and trying to piece together what really happened. He just literally is Columbo, complete with “oh, there’s just one other thing…” I don’t quite understand how that fits with his character. By the end, we find out that of course Martin’s alive, having survived the fall in the most preposterous way possible. Also for a whole episode about the fallout of his death, we never see his parents once. And why did it take him so long to get home? Oh, whatever.

The other story involves Marge contacting the TV show Cheaters... I mean, “Sneakers” to follow Homer around to see if he’s cheating… on his new diet. The gag is Homer’s sneakiness in covertly devouring fatty foods behind Marge’s back is analogous to him having an affair, and it’s basically that joke through the whole episode. That and the “Sneakers” creator reveling of breaking up families (“There, there… no, I mean, cry to the camera over there… there.”) This all leads up to one of the most disgusting things to ever appear on the show: Homer taking a rack of lamb to a motel room to furiously devour as if he were fucking it. He rolls around the bed with it, slams it against the wall, then disrobes and chows down on it nude in the shower. I mean, he might as well be fucking it. It’s absolutely nauseating, and pushes this already strained joke way too far. Also this stupid plot really undermines any seriousness the grade-schooler’s-potential-death A-story had. In the end, Marge confronts Homer, and gets mad at the “Sneakers” guy for trying to push them apart. Okay, but that doesn’t excuse Homer from continuing to be a fat fuck, since the beginning of the episode involved Marge being concerned about his health when he couldn’t even muster the energy to have sex. “I’d rather have a chubby hubby than a sexy ex-ie!” Ugh.

Tidbits and Quotes
– The montage of Homer eating all those bell peppers means nothing in the end, since the episode is about him not sticking to his diet. So he’s basically gorging himself twice as much, I guess. Then he taunts Marge to her face when she can’t find proof of his transgressions. Again, what a likable guy.
– We barely see Martin anymore, but it seems that all the gags with him as of late involve him saying offensive or giggle-worthy words in an academic context (“a mighty faggot,” “it could be one of the major homos!”) and being naive in regards of its other meaning. We had Wang Computers in the past, but Martin used to be a much richer character. Then again, so did every other character. Sigh.
– Wiggum reports and seemingly confirms Martin’s death, then suggests he give the tattered remains of the boy’s shirt to his son (“Chief, that’s evidence.” “I know. But after it’s evidence, it’s a shirt again.”) Everyone is just so damn callous about this ten-year-old boy’s death. His funeral at school involves kids in bleachers holding up cards showing a gravestone, then of Martin’s head with Xs for eyes, and Skinner reads out many of Martin’s humiliating nicknames and the bullies yuck it up. This is even more tasteless than Maude Flanders’s funeral. And again, where are Martin’s parents? This episode could care less. The best part of the episode is the clip montage where we see short Martin bits from “Treehouse of Horror III” and “Three Men and a Comic Book,” since then I was able to remember great moments from those episodes.
– As if the whole lamb thing wasn’t disgusting enough, act two ends with Homer calling it on the phone as if it’s his lover. We see the lamb rack sprawled on a bed in a bedroom, as the answering machine goes off next to a photo of Homer. Where is this? What’s going on?
– A truly lame fake-out where Bart appears to almost hang himself (“You said you wanted to end it all!” “By which I meant bring Martin’s butterfly project to completion!”) Totally makes sense.
– I like Martin quoting Mark Twain’s “Rumors of my death have been greatly exaggerated.” It felt very Martin of him to say.

(originally aired March 2, 2008)
I have not seen The Departed. It’s one of those movies that’s been on my watch list forever. Apparently this is a parody of that movie, which I shrewdly figured out by decoding the title, so I can’t really comment on its connection to the film. As an episode, it feels like yet another bland outing. Springfield Elementary gets a new cool kid, Donny, who Bart is initially jealous of. But when he inexplicably takes the rap for one of Bart’s pranks, Bart ingratiates him into his gang of schemers. But unbeknownst to him, Donny is actually working for Skinner and Chalmers, who want to take Bart down. I know the basic premise of The Departed, so this all seems to line up, but what doesn’t work here is its new setting at the school. The stakes are set super high at the start when Skinner mentions the highest punishment they can levy against Bart is a ten-day suspension. Bart would love that, so why should I care about the premise? Then at the end they say they’re sending Bart to a juvenile center, so I guess they forgot they had that power. Except they don’t.

This story doesn’t seem to translate well from the source material. Skinner and Chalmers want to bust Bart for all of his shenanigans. Fair enough. What’s the plan? Host a casting call and adopt a tough-looking orphan to go to school, gain Bart’s trust, have him sabotage his schemes until Bart gets fed up and tries to pull off a humungous prank, then bust him. This is insane. Who’s this Donny kid? How did they adopt him? Does he live with them? What will become of him now? Oh, who cares. Donny is voiced by Topher Grace, who is very believable as a ten-year-old and doesn’t sound like an adult man coming out of a child’s body. Ultimately, this episode suffers the same fate of “The President Wore Pearls,” where the show tries to adapt source material with young kids and makes it too absurd. Skinner and Chalmers are stuck in bizarre villain mode with this overcomplicated plan for something so stupid and insignificant. It’s just kind of hard to suspend one’s disbelief regarding the plot, especially when they throw in jokes that undermine said plot even further. Bart discovers there’s a rat in his operation, but who could it be? “My best friend, my other best friend, or a kid I just met?” He ends up targeting Milhouse. Bart’s pretty street smart, but when we need him to be, he’s a big dummy. Another worthless episode to the pile.

Tidbits and Quotes
– Marge accidentally rear-ends Hans Moleman’s car. The airbag goes off and Moleman is smothered, passing out, seemingly dying. It’s like the writers know that Moleman inexplicably getting killed was a funny joke in the past, but don’t realize that the gag here is more disturbing than amusing.
– Homer laughing at the auto shop guys about giving him a new rental car is unbearable. What a fucking asshole. Oh yeah, that’s a subplot. When his car is being fixed, Homer gets comfortable driving his fancy rental car, but when the repairs are done, he doesn’t give the new car back. Instead of going after him, the auto shop just puts Homer’s old car up for sale. The plot ends when Homer drives by and is horrified that rednecks are going to buy the car to shoot it full of holes, and then seemingly sexually violate it. He panics, hops in the car and drives off. Awful.
– The explanation at the end that Skinner and Chalmers adopted Donny is infuriating enough, but now the fact that Skinner explains his plan to Donny at the start of act two makes no sense because of it. He should know the plan already, shouldn’t he?
– During the prank montage, Bart gets his ass stuck to the copy machine and seemingly can’t move. Pan over to Skinner laughing holding a glue bottle. Then we cut to a close-up of said bottle so we can see it says “GLUE.” Is that in case people didn’t realize what it was? What the fuck else could it have been?
– Lunchlady Doris has another speaking part, again by Tress MacNeille. Here, they don’t even bother having her sound like Doris Grau. It’s doubly insulting.
– I looked up that The Departed ends with a rat appearing on screen, as does this episode, where Ralph pops up to comment, “The rat symbolizes obviousness!” Is this garbage show really trying to jab at an Oscar-winning Scorsese film?

(originally aired February 17, 2008)
This is another anthology episode. We have at least one of them a year to pad out the season, because why come up with an original story when you can lift ones from elsewhere under the guise of parody? They were kind of cute in the era of “Bible Stories” and “Tall Tales,” but now they’re the most disposable types of episodes there is. They make so little an impact, and I’ve run out of things to say about them. So let’s blow through this quickly. First is Bonnie and Clyde, played by Marge and Homer. It’s boring. Second is Lady and the Tramp, again played by Marge and Homer. It’s boring too, albeit with a slightly interesting art style. Lastly is Sid Vicious and Nancy Spungen, played by Nelson and Lisa. It’s the least boring, if only because seeing this Sex Pistols drug romp with children as the leads is a bit disconcerting to watch. Does anyone like these episodes? Honestly, it’s complete dead air.

Tidbits and Quotes
– The second segment recreates the famous spaghetti scene from the movie, but in half the time, “Two Dozen and One Greyhounds” parodied it more expertly: with Luigi’s quick “It fell on the floor” line and the dogs fighting over the one remaining pasta strand as dogs would do. Here, Homer sucks up Marge’s head because he’s a food monster! And Luigi gets arrested for serving animals or something. Whatever.
– I had to fast forward through that song. I could not sit through it. And the second part of the story is confusing to me. Homer’s singing about wanting to settle down with Marge, and he doesn’t appear to be perturbed by her having puppies as he was before. So many months go by and the puppies are born, and Homer is still a no-show. Then the cute little Bart and Lisa puppies go and search for their Daddy, and Homer hides cowardly in the shadows. Then Willie the dog catcher snatches the two up, even though they’re clearly wearing collars, and locks them in the pound. What?
– Putting Goofy to sleep, who keeps asserting he’s half-human, is kind of a funny, grisly joke, but then they completely ruin it when he walks out of the gas chamber (“This place is no picnic, but it sure beats working for Disney!”) Oh snap! Sick burn, you guys!
– I smirked at CBGB’s: Comic Book Guy’s Bar. Yawn.

(originally aired January 27, 2008)
So, this episode. Let’s talk for a second about what I believe to be the show’s moving timeline. Homer and Marge’s senior prom was in 1974, but that was depicted in “The Way We Was,” which aired in 1991. With the show still running, being set in modern day, and with the characters not aging, time shifts forward, so at the point this episode aired, Homer and Marge would have graduated high school in… 1991. Weird, huh? So in this episode, we get to flash back to the crazy nineties where Homer and Marge are young twenty-somethings. It’s rife with comedy potential! Except the show’s golden years ran through the 1990s, so what is the point of this episode? It’s just a bunch of wall-to-wall references and bland, uninteresting conflict. We see that Marge gets accepted to Springfield University, and Homer takes up a job at his father’s laser park (what?) to pay for it. At school, Marge falls for a smug, self-righteous professor, and due to his heartbreak over it, Homer inadvertently pioneers grunge music.

People fucking hate this episode, and I absolutely see why. But I can’t summon that much ire for it just because I can’t get over why this episode even exists. It’s just completely unnecessary, attempting to serve as this weird 90s time capsule, when we already have the actually good tenure of the series to look back on for that. Flashback shows in the past were about exploring the believable past lives of our characters with pinches of 70s and 80s nostalgia sprinkled in. Here, it’s literally nothing but name-dropping. Beanie Babies, Zima, Seinfeld, The Bridges of Madison County… remember all that stuff? Also, all these recent flashback shows seem to be about periods of strife in Homer and Marge’s past, because we don’t have enough episodes where their marriage is in crisis. Do I even care? Then Homer basically becomes Kurt Cobain, has numerous hit records and is a national sensation, almost instantaneously, I guess. We had a whole episode devoted to the rise and fall of the Be Sharps, while here, Homer’s meteoric rise and fall from fame lasts roughly three and a half minutes. I guess the family’s penchant for instant success carries over to the past too. So yeah, this episode sucks big time, but it really just baffles more than angers me. Like, what the fuck am I watching? And why?

Tidbits and Quotes
– Flashback shows used to involve Homer and Marge telling the kids about how they were born and their carefree younger days. Now they just wantonly tell them stories about how they broke up and got back together, with tales of debauchery and drug addiction. Just doesn’t seem very appropriate. It’s like “Another Simpsons Clip Show” where they openly talk about their almost affairs with their children.
– In place of Apu, Skinner and Barney doing barbershop, which originally was such a great gag in itself, now we have Homer singing Boyz II Men, and then grunge, with Lenny, Carl and Lou. Ugh. What’s funny about hearing them sing parodies of Nirvana songs?
– Professor August is such a boring character. And his absolute ease with manipulating Marge into breaking up with Homer makes her seem like a mindless pushover. Marge was, and still is, quite smart, I don’t see why she’d be that easily messed with.
– The timeline within the episode itself doesn’t even make any sense. Homer references the Soup Nazi from Seinfeld from an episode that originally aired in 1995. Meanwhile, he beats Kurt Cobain and Nirvana to the punch, who were in full swing by the beginning of the 90s.
– Homer and Marge divide up their possessions, where Homer takes the LPs, typewriter and Enron stock, and Marge gets the CDs, computer and Microsoft stock. Get it? Hilarious in hindsight! References!!
– Homer performs “Shave Me,” a parody of “Rape Me,” dressed as Kurt Cobain in Little Seattle, where there’s a mini Space Needle and it’s dark and rainy. This couldn’t be more on the fucking nose…
– Similar to “Three Gays of the Condo,” the only light in this episode comes from “Weird Al” Yankovic, who shows up in a video parodying “Shave Me,” still rocking his old 80s/early 90s look. And if nothing else, this episode gives us the immortal quote, “He who is tired of ‘Weird Al’ is tired of life.”
– “At least we know there’ll never be a President worse than Bill Clinton. Imagine, lying in a deposition in a civil lawsuit. That’s the worst sin a President can commit.” “There’ll never be a worse President. Never.” “Never.” Too subtle. Also, between this and last episode where Burns mentions how they rigged the 2004 election, all of a sudden now the show has the balls to attack George W. Bush when he’s got one foot out of the office already. And the jokes suck anyway, so it doesn’t even matter.
– The episode ends with younger Homer and Marge going to that fateful windmill on the mini golf course where Bart was conceived, except now it doesn’t make any sense. It was bizarrely sweet in “I Married Marge” since Homer worked there, but now they just randomly drove out to the mini golf course at night, snuck in and decided to fuck. Why would they do that? They spent the whole episode altering the entire timeline, but for some reason, the location of Bart’s conception is sacred ground that they dare not change.