(originally aired April 13, 2003)
This is an astounding episode, in that it got the closest to physically injuring me, as my brain was violently throbbing trying to process what was going on and what the intention of the episode was. My best guess is it was all meant to be a big gimmick, where they’ll have openly gay characters and have an animated gay kiss so they can appear progressive, but meanwhile rely on lazy stereotypes and gay jokes that have been told a thousand times over. But the fumbling of the controversial content isn’t even the worst part of this episode. Here we apparently see the worst falling out Homer and Marge have ever had, to the point where it seems they’ll never get back together. Except it’s over the most asinine reason: Homer discovers a note Marge wrote way back in their younger days of how she didn’t think the two could stay together. Why is this? Well she wrote it after a romantic date wherein Homer got blasted and played Asteroids all night, forced Marge to force-feed him nachos, and ends up getting carted to the hospital. Then a few days later she found out she was pregnant with Bart, leaving Homer to believe that that’s the only reason she stayed with him.

Throughout the episode, Homer acts like an irrational maniac. Some of the interplay between him and Marge is so bizarre I can’t even make sense of it (“It’s not always going to be perfect, we’ve been married for ten years!” “Oh, I didn’t realize you’ve been counting down the years! Is it that horrible living with me?” “Well, this morning isn’t a barrel of laughs!” “It is to me!”) The problem here is that Homer couldn’t be more in the wrong: Marge’s note came about from his rampant and dangerous alcoholism, which he still exhibits. Hell, the episode begins referencing her attempt at an intervention, followed by him chuckling about it while downing down a cold one. It’s all based on Homer’s narrow-minded childish perception of Marge’s note that he thinks that she never loved him, and that’s what makes him pack his bags and leave. After we milk some easy jokes about sad single men from Kirk Van Houten, Homer ends up moving in with two gay men, Grady and Julio, the former voiced by gay comic Scott Thompson, the latter by Hank Azaria, basically reprising his role from The Birdcage.

So Grady and Julio are gay. Gay gay gay gay gay. The village they live in is gay, and Homer begins to adapt the gay, by getting manicures, a Lhasa Apso dog, and dancing shirtless like a wild man at a dance club, despite the fact that he’s a lazy slob. Any semblance of his subdued homophobia from “Homer’s Phobia” is dismissed immediately so we can move the plot forward. Now Homer is one hundred percent accepting of gays everywhere! This episode could care less about actually writing material about homosexuals though, as its main focus is recycling the same old jokes (people in theater are gay!) and making up gag names for storefronts (Armistead Mopeds, Victor/Victoria’s). Then we have our finale where Grady kisses Homer on the lips, despite the fact that there’s been no build-up of him finding Homer attractive, or even why he would. Also it just feels so offensive, like Homer’s straight, but Grady can make him gay, because gay men want to fuck all men, regardless of sexual preference. Post-kiss, Homer jumps ship and we never see these two characters again.

Even though Homer is completely in the wrong, Marge is forced to do all the heavy lifting in repairing their relationship, so with the help of “Weird Al” Yankovic, she gets Homer to agree to go on a date with her. So what does Homer do before the big night? Get wasted. Yep. And Grady and Julio give him the drinks, then later remind him that he’s already late for the date. So did Grady sabotage the date so he could get Homer for himself? Maybe I’m thinking too much into this but it just feels so wrong. Homer shows up to dinner drunk and Marge leaves understandably upset. In this entire episode, I don’t feel one ounce of sympathy for Homer. The same shit he pulled on Marge in the past, he’s pulling on her now, with no regard or remorse until it’s way too fucking late. But Hibbert pulls a video tape out of fucking nowhere of young Marge tending to young Homer’s bedside that fateful night, and the two have a heartfelt reconciliation, even though Homer has been a childish dick to her the entire episode. This episode is staggeringly wrong on so many levels, it might be one of the series’ worst. And it won the Emmy. Against Futurama‘s “Jurassic Bark.” Let that sink in.

Tidbits and Quotes
– The puzzle piece opening is pretty dull. I kind of like sleep-deprived Homer mashing Lenny’s face into the puzzle though. Upon completion, Flanders looks over and says, “It looks like you’re missing a piece.” Homer retorts, “Looks like you’re missing a wife!” The most tasteless line ever used in the series ever. I’m basically disgusted by Homer right from the very start.
– The flashbacks with young Homer and Marge feel so sour. I imagine there were rough times for these two, but seeing Homer be so insensitive to the girl he was head-over-heels for in “The Way We Was” just feels so not right. Plus this really doesn’t help us feel any sympathy for Homer whatsoever. Marge had every right to write that letter.
– All of Homer and Marge’s arguments consist of Homer being a stubborn asshole, and Marge proceeding to bizarrely fan the flames (“So you mean our whole marriage you’ve just been resenting me behind my back!” “A little bit, yeah.”) But as negative as Marge gets, it’s mostly in response towards Homer’s accusations, who cuts even deeper than her, combined with the fact that he has no leg to stand on with his arguments. But in the end, it’s Marge who has to make things right, as encouraged by her own children. There’s an unbelievable exchange between Lisa and Marge that feels so, so, so wrong (“Mom, I know Dad cares about you, but his feelings are really hurt. Why don’t you just say you’re sorry?” “Lisa, marriage is a beautiful thing, but it’s also a constant battle for moral superiority, so I can’t apologize.”) If there’s a piece of dialogue that is more anti-Marge than that, then I’d like to hear it. Lisa talks to her mother like her father is a child, which he basically is. Also all of this family strife with the kids wanting their dad back and trying to mend fences, this serious storyline completely clashes with the episode’s tidal wave of terrible gay jokes. It’s like a tsunami of bullshit.
– Subtlety is long gone from the series at our new look at Bachelor Arms, the pathetic apartment complex populated by sad, single men that Kirk Van Houten lives at. We get an “X Days Without a Suicide” sign, then a gunshot, then the counter resets to zero. All in good taste.
– Homer arrives to the gay side of town, and who should he run into but… Smithers! Of course! I really think that sometimes the current-day writers really don’t understand some of these characters, and Smithers is definitely one of them. Smithers is not just a gay guy, he loves Mr. Burns. He’s an office sycophant, dedicated to his job and his boss, but to the utmost degree, that he is devoted to Burns and would do absolutely anything and everything for him, to the point that he is also sexually attracted to him. That’s the joke. But now, the only joke is that Smithers is gay. Super gay. He likes men, not women. He wants to fuck men. Do you get it yet? Should we milk it further?
– Speaking of which, they originally wanted Harvey Fierstein to return as Karl from season 2’s “Simpson and Delilah” in this episode, which he turned down upon reading the script. You can read the whole quote here, but it basically boils down to he felt that it was just a bunch of easy gay jokes we’ve heard a million times without that clever spin or twist that made it truly worth of The Simpsons. And you know what, he’s right on the fucking money.
– I love “Weird Al” a lot, and I’m really bummed he’s stuck in this shit episode. He works a lot better in his second appearance in the equally controversial “That 90’s Show,” in a flashback where he still sports his glasses and mustache 80s look. Plus it also gave us the great line, “He who is tired of ‘Weird Al’ is tired with life.” But he’s the only thing in the entire episode I like, he does a great performance with both his songs (“‘Weird Al’ had fun on this show / even if it was just a brief cameo!”)

(originally aired March 30, 2003)
Lisa may be incredibly intelligent and mindful of the world, but she’s still just a little girl. That’s what makes her interesting; in combining the bright and the childish, we’ve gotten great shows like “Lisa vs. Malibu Stacey,” “Lisa the Greek” and “Lisa’s Rival.” Episodes about everyone’s favorite starfish-haired girl don’t have to be boring… but this one certainly is. At this point Lisa is slowly losing her adorable child-like innocence, and is being written like a teenage brainiac, and others treat her as such. The episode opens with a visit from acclaimed documentarian Declan Desmond, who intends to shoot his next film about the dullard children of Springfield Elementary. Desmond is voiced by Eric Idle, and his character has reappeared once or twice in the future. He does an alright job, but there’s nothing really memorable about him. Lisa of course is put up front and center by Skinner as an exemplary student, but Desmond proceeds to tear her down for not having picked a specific topic of interest (“Pick a path and follow it, or you’ll just grow up, slog your way through Mt. Holyoke, and squeeze out babies.”) You realize you’re talking to an eight-year-old, right? I know Desmond is supposed to an asshole, but who does that?

Lisa eventually settles on astronomy as her study of choice, but quickly finds the skies of Springfield are unreadable due to excessive light pollution. She goes about town with a petition for a town-wide dimming of the lights. Boy, this is shaping up to be an exciting episode, isn’t it? Quimby is quick to comply, shutting the town’s power down at night. This leads to a widespread spread of hood ornament thefts from the fancy cars of Springfield. Oh yeah, I guess I should mention the subplot of Bart wanting to be cool by stealing a hood ornament. Except there’s nothing to say other than it kills time and none of it is funny. So even though this is the only negative side of the town black-out that we see, and we don’t necessarily see it as negative since it ties into the other story, for some reason the town wants the lights on again. Quimby does so, and for some reason cranks them up so high that it makes nighttime as bright as day. I’m not exactly clear why he does this, or why everyone seems to be fine with it. I just don’t know.

A week passes and the Simpsons are a sleep-deprived wreck, since they’re basically living in endless daylight. Or mainly just Homer and Marge, everyone else seems to be fine with it. Why is everyone okay with it being piercingly bright out at 3am? Why is this happening? So Lisa and Bart team up to get the lights back off. For some reason, electrical controls for the whole town were hidden in a panel out front at Town Hall, that’s where Quimby threw the switch. So they’ll go there, yeah? No, they trick a sleep deprived Homer to get them inside the power plant, then they overload the power grid and destroy every bulb in the entire town. Then an angry mob shows up out of nowhere out for Bart and Lisa’s blood. Where did they come from, and once again, why were they fine with it being daylight 24/7? But in the end, Lisa distracts them with a big meteor shower, which is why she wanted the lights off in the first place, and everyone is placated. I’ve got nothing on this episode, it’s the most boring I’ve seen thus far. I thought “C.E. D’oh” was unmemorable, but this one just takes the cake. And it sucks because Lisa will be forever pinned as this boring bookworm character, when she was always so much more than that. But I guess I should prepare myself for some more dull Lisa episodes down the pipe. Sigh.

Tidbits and Quotes
– It’s stupid, but I do like the footage of Krusty stapling together half-eaten Krusty Burgers from Desmond’s documentary.
– I’m not quite sure how the fake library curtain trick worked, as there are two curtains on an angle next to one another. Surely Desmond can see the sharp edge between them and figure it out. But now I’m just splitting hairs, but honestly, I don’t have much to comment on this episode, so I don’t give a crap.
– “Hysterical “joke where Flanders looks to the heavens and is shocked to see the Jewish star in the sky. Horror of horrors! He rubs his eyes and sees a cross instead and all is well. It’s funny because Flanders is a wacko Christian, one of his only remaining character traits. Also Lenny and Carl are still gay.
– So Bart wants to steal a hood ornament, and sets his sights on the one belonging to Fat Tony. How does he get it? With a ruse straight out of a bad Saturday morning cartoon. He and Milhouse stand out front of Luigi’s with fake mustaches, making like they’re a valet, and Fat Tony falls for it. The guy’s a fucking mobster, you think he’s that stupid? And then they comment on it later (“You mean that ten-year-old with a mustache was a phony?”), which of course they think excuses it… but it kind of doesn’t.
– The third act begins with a man being pulled out of Moe’s on a stretcher, presumably dead, and Moe laughing about it (“No one’s ever won Moe’s ‘drink-a-bottle-of-gin’ challenge, and no one ever will!”) He then places a photo of said dead patron on the wall with some other corpses. Rather grim, don’t you think?
– We end seeing Desmond’s documentary, which ultimately isn’t funny. We just see Milhouse injure himself playing baseball repeatedly.

(originally aired March 16, 2003)
Here’s an episode I barely remembered anything about, and after watching it, I understand why. It’s so aimless, with characters saying and doing things that don’t make sense, and the plot shifts so much, I have no idea exactly what the show is supposed to be about. We begin with Homer making a big to-do about Valentine’s Day, only to find Marge is far too tired to do the deed with him (perhaps it was the relaxing bath and all the liquor he pumped her up with). From this, for some reason, we get that Homer doesn’t think his wife finds him sexually attractive anymore, so he takes a stripping class at the learning annex taught by Dr. Hibbert. Confused yet? Don’t worry, a minute later, he ends up in a class about becoming successful, which is one of the only good things in the episode. The instructor is a loud, in-your-face self-made man hawking his seemingly helpful wares (“Friends, there’s a force that runs through the universe. We used to call that force God. We now call it… ‘Megatronics: The 48 Tips to Corporate Success’!”)

Homer vows to live more efficiently and follow the book’s code, for reasons that escape me. But let’s just say he wants to better his life, I can see him putting a modicum of effort into this. He performs a safety report, something as safety inspector he hasn’t done in years, and presents it to Mr. Burns, who coldly and predictably boots him from his office. Later, Homer sadly muses about how Burns is so ruthless and has no respect for him. No shit? You’ve worked for this man over a decade, this is something you’d think you’d have grown a callous over. So now the story is about getting revenge on Burns, but also tying into his get-up-and-go attitude, when Homer discovers that for ass-covering purposes, the power plant is actually legally owned by a canary in Burns’s office. Homer frees the canary, gets Burns to think there are nuclear inspectors afoot, so Burns makes him the new plant head as a cover. Homer then fires Burns, taking over the plant for himself. We’ll get to all that in a sec, but I’ll say that I like Burns being impressed before he gets angry (“So, the caterpillar has emerged from its cocoon, as a shark with a gun for a mouth. I only have one thing to say to that: bravo.”) Then Homer throws the old man off the balcony. Hrm.

I can buy Homer wanting to improve his station at work, but falling his way into CEO and then staying there? Act three switches gears once more to be about Homer becoming a workaholic and not spending enough time with his family. Shots of Homer sitting at his desk mulling over papers just does not compute. What is he doing? Does he even know? It would make more sense if this act had Homer knowing he’s way over his head and working on a scheme to get Burns back in charge, realizing he bit off more than he could chew and wanting to go back to his lazy ways. Instead we wrap things up with more sad Burns where the miser attempts to seal Homer into his mausoleum, but over an entire night only gets four lines of bricks completed. At one point in this series Burns actually presented a threat to the Simpsons with his power and resources. Now he’s just a doddering old fool whom they pity, as Homer just walks away and puts a blanket on the old man . Then everyone celebrates with a “Homer’s 305th Everything is Back to Normal BBQ,” which, like the counter in “Barting Over,” bothers me that this is the encapsulate of the series. Tune in next week on The Simpsons as that wacky Homer gets in another craaaaaazzzyyy scheme! TV off.

Tidbits and Quotes
– The “Strip For Your Wife” class is filled with a lot of familiar faces like Legs, Louie, Superintendent Chalmers, Lou, Arnie Pye, Martin’s dad, one of the barflies… almost too many familiar faces. Also there is Mr. Largo, which seems to be an error, because he’s gay, right? I’m sure one of the recent episodes has made this “canon.”
– “Successmanship 101” has most of the episode’s only good lines, from the instructor (“You see that car out there? That’s a Bentley Mark 12. They gave one to me, one to Steven Spielberg, then they shot the guy who made it.”)
– Marge’s “Woopdee-doo!” bit is really bizarre. I had the same awkward reaction as Bart and Lisa. Her callous reaction to Homer drowning his sorrows every night has this really sad undercurrent that the episode is not prepared to, or frankly cares to address.
– “Wait’ll Burns steps on this flaming bag of… Lisa’s college fund?!” Yep, that’s dumb Homer!
– Not sure why they made it Burns dumping toxic waste under Lego Land when they could have made it Blocko Land.
– The bit with Flanders sitting at the window staring in the Simpson bedroom with his flowing pipe is so creepy… is that a reference to something?
– “Check and mate! Now king me!” is a pretty good line I use often.
– As the super-intelligent know-it-all as she is, Lisa alerts her father to the plant’s earnings report as she goes over the books. She’s eight fucking years old.
– Man, I really don’t have a lot to put here. Really, this episode’s biggest fault is that it’s completely innocuous and disposable, two words that I really wish I wouldn’t have to apply to a Simpsons episode.

(originally aired March 9, 2003)
So here we seemingly have a big change episode: Krusty runs for Congress and wins! A crowd-pleasing yet self-serving wacky man in makeup in the government? This is a concept with limitless possibilities… oh wait, never mind, status quo. I think we see Krusty in this new position one other time, and then his congressional career is never seen or mentioned again, correct me if I’m wrong. But despite all that, I found myself liking this episode more than I thought I would. Through all the silliness, good and bad, is a streamlined story of the family dealing with an issue, and when they can’t rely on the government to help, the only option left is to change it. Said issue involves air traffic being rerouted over the Simpson house, causing it to be unbearably noisy all day and all night. It’s not clear exactly why planes are flying so low to the ground, or why this doesn’t seem to be bothering Flanders or any other neighbors, but those gripes aren’t that bad. Their options nearly exhausted, Homer and Marge go to speak with their Congressman, who a mere minute after being told the story, drops dead, leaving an open seat to be filled.

Needing to get someone elected to help them, the Simpsons eventually land on getting Krusty to seek the nomination. It’s sort of quick and random how this story kicks into gear, but I guess it has to since we have a lot of ground to cover. The scene we get where Krusty ponders how being in Congress would get big government off his back is pretty decent (“I could tell the FCC to take a hike! Look at this list of words they won’t let me say on the air!”) His campaign trail consists of him learning how to appeal to normal working class schmoes, which takes some acclamation, but soon he wins the people’s hearts and minds. Once he sees the devastation of the Simpson house because of the air traffic firsthand, Krusty kicks it into gear, and despite his normally selfish ways, you believe that he actually wants to make a difference. Plus, as a Republican, he gets the might of FOX News behind him, which is played up to such a ridiculous, cartoony level that it doesn’t even feel petty. Tired shots at the GOP would become common place for the show, but here they work fine. Even the scene we have at the Republican Headquarters in Dracula’s castle is handled well, unlike the ham-fisted bit in “Brawl in the Family.”

Krusty wins the election and goes to Washington guns blazing to get the air traffic bill passed, but finds that government works in a different way than he’d thought, in that it doesn’t work at all. Stuck on worthless committees with yammering idiots, Krusty’s hopes for reform quickly dribble away. Now it’s up to the Simpsons to help him get the bill past. The whole second act, Krusty stuck with them like glue during his campaign, and now they’re just hanging out in Washington, but I buy that they’d just be sticking around since he’s basically their only hope to get their lives back to normal. A miracle comes in the form of a mysterious janitor who may or may not be Walter Mondale, who lets the family in on how a bill really becomes a law: by blackmail and manipulation. It’s a bit silly how they pull it off, with characters just appearing in government buildings and Homer getting beaten up by security, but it works for as representative of the inside, backwards system of government, and ultimately closes our story by finally getting air traffic away from the Simpson home. Despite the show doing nothing with Congressman Krusty beyond this point, I enjoyed this episode for what it was: a solid through story, laughs throughout and an honest portrayal of Krusty.

Tidbits and Quotes
– Though it doesn’t quite work now watching it off TV, I still love Homer eating the Joe Millionaire bug (and spitting out the FOX logo). Those little promotional things on the bottom of the screen are still used, but I remember at the time they were really obnoxious, with all this elaborate animation taking up a large portion of the screen while I’m trying to watch something. It’s not even a parody, really, since what they showed is basically accurate.
– I really like Homer on the roof swatting a rake at jets flying by. It just shows how desperate and crazed he’s gotten over it.
– Homer and Marge go to complain to the air marshal. After telling them fill out a phony form 1790 (“It was an application to open a Cinnabon stand,”) the marshal sets them straight (“We’re the government. We make the laws, we print the money, and we breed the super soldiers. So go home, learn to live with it, pay your taxes, and remember, you didn’t hear anything about super soldiers.”)
– The bits of the family trying to sell their house are pretty joke-less, and also begs the question what Flanders feels about all the noise. We see him at the end of act one when Homer pounds the pro-Krusty sign on his lawn, but that’s it.
– I love Krusty’s opponent using one of the skits from his show against him: a comedy UN featuring Krusty playing French, Jamaican and gay stereotypes. He does a kid’s show, right? Watching at home, Krusty is on the defense (“You can’t judge me by the sketch! It was a different time! 1998!”)
– In classic fashion, Krusty appears on the back of a train on his campaign trail and vows to fix all his future constituents’s problems (“The government wants to shut me down because the pipes under my toilet don’t lead nowhere!” “Elect me and I promise those pipes will lead to a better tomorrow!”)
– I really like the FOX News bit, since it’s just so over-the-top, it can’t even be viewed as a cheap shot parody. Actually, this is the episode I believe that FOX got upset with the show using the phony ticker tape on the bottom of the screen, thinking viewers might be confused and think it to be actual news. Well, with headlines like “Rupert Murdoch: Terrific Dancer” and “JKF Posthumously Joins Republican Party,” I completely see their argument.
– The committee Krusty is stuck on couldn’t be more useless: decisions about dollar coins (“I say we make them out of chocolate. Kids eat them anyway, why fight it?”)
– The janitor’s plan to work the system involves blackmailing the bill’s dissenter (“I have a tape here of you using your free mail privileges to send a get well card to your aunt!” “If they hear about this in Medesto, I’m ruined! Maybe I wanted to be caught…”), drink a Southern congressman under the table (“How about a drinking contest, boy? Right after I vote on the latest bill.” “How about before?” “You remind me of my high school drinking coach!”) and attaching the air traffic bill to a more popular one (“We will now vote on the Flags for Orphans and… Airline Rerouting Bill… oh well, it’s paper-clipped.”)

(originally aired March 2, 2003)
I really don’t like single Flanders. It just doesn’t work. As mentioned before, what made Flanders so great in the past is that he represented all that Homer didn’t have, but now with his wife gone, he’s now a sad, lonely man who Homer elicits some sympathy for, at least enough to not be as much of a dick to him. So now every Flanders plot has to involve him finding a new romance, even though we know they won’t work out, and they all make no sense at all, and of course, like all one-episode love interests, they have little to no characterization. The dame here is actress Sara Sloane, voiced by Marisa Tomei, who Flanders unwittingly serves at the Leftorium (“You don’t know who I am, do you?” “I sure do. You’re the most important person in the world, because you’re my customer!”) Sloane is filming a movie in Springfield, and takes comfort in Ned’s simple way of living. Tomei gives her a degree of likability, and the ultra-revealing dress she wears in the third act doesn’t hurt, but ultimately, she’s pretty much disposable.

So even though a scene prior he muses how he’s “happily married to a dead woman,” Ned proceeds to date Sloane, and the two have a whirlwind romance. Or at least as whirlwind as Ned can allow, which doesn’t go much further than holding hands with her. The main running “conflict” here is that Sloane is a lot more uninhibited than Ned, making her a source of temptation, but most of the middle portion of the episode kind of just kills time, with reactions from the Simpson family about the relationship, and Rainier Wolfcastle appearing as Sloane’s ex-boyfriend. The one bit I do like is the crazed tabloid reporters storming Ned’s home, breaking all of his possessions and taking photos of the mess they caused (“Let’s concoct more lies!”) Then instead of running with that, they kill the bit off with a stupid gag about a Cher-crow. The stuff with Sloane and Ned is kind of sweet, but there really doesn’t feel like a big connection between the two, at least not as big as we’re supposed to believe. I get Sloane is into Ned for his quaint, small-town charm, but what does Ned like about Sloane? That she’s pretty and nice? Through the whole show, it just feels like he’s being very polite rather than he’s head over heels in love.

As her movie wraps up, Sloane proposes Ned move out with her to Hollywood, but that being a wicked, sinful place, he refuses. So Sloane decides she’s going to stay in Springfield, even though it’s incredibly inconvenient and detrimental to her career being that far away from Los Angeles. But she’s only got one thing on her mind: fucking Ned Flanders. Ned of course is hesitant, premarital “doodly” being a sin and all, but after consulting the Bible and all of its passages that affirm this, he eventually relents and just bangs Sloane anyway. Sure, it’s out of character, but look, he’s a guy, and she’s a hot movie star, so I’ll be gracious and give him a pass on that. Plus he then expects her to marry him right afterwards (“I’m like Baskin Robbins, you get one free taste, then you gotta buy the scoop.”) Sloane declines, telling him she’s not ready to be tied down. Oh? But you already moved to this jerkwater berg away from your job to be with Ned, how is this any different? Oh, because I guess all she wanted to do is to get her rocks off, because she leaves him after this, then goes off and has a three hour celebrity marriage as a finale gag. So how genuine was Sloane through all this? Was Ned proposing marriage just her easy out? They wrap it up so quickly that it’s hard to discern. And we get a “happy” ending in that since he dated a movie star, Ned is more attractive to the ladies of Springfield, even though that doesn’t matter since he’ll never remarry ever, ever. Except he just did recently, but I’m not even going to touch upon that, because I never watched it.

Tidbits and Quotes
– Maggie encased in sunscreen with her sunglasses and sun hat is pretty cute.
– Twice in this episode, Ned consults Homer for advice about Sloane, and both times Homer rambles on some nonsense that is barely related to the subject, and both times the scene ends with Ned looking contemplative. Contemplative over what? What Homer just spouted was not helpful in the least, stop asking him for advice about everything.
– “She’s had more stars on her than Lisa’s homework!” When did Bart become catty? It’s like that stupid bit at the WNBA. Of the whole family, it seems Bart has turned into the hardest character to write. Homer is a moronic insane man, Marge is cautious and makes lame jokes, Lisa is the know-it-all/substitute narrator, and Bart… well… there’s no simple personality traits you can imprint onto him, he’s just a regular ten-year-old. So instead of writing him like one, we’ll just throw random lines at him and hopefully people will think it’s funny.
– I really like this line from Ned (“We occupy that useless mass of land between Los Angeles and New York called ‘America’!”)
– One of the paparazzi yells at Ned, “Do you plan to kill Sara like your last wife!” a horrible, despicable line, but out of the mouths of bottom-feeding tabloid reporters, it works just fine.
– Sloane is shooting her film at PolyStar Pictures, which is the studio we saw in Hollywood in the Mel Gibson episode. Couldn’t they have pulled a shot of Krustylu Studios? There must be dozens of establishing shots they could have reused. Or did they not give a shit?
– “Ned, I haven’t seen you this happy in years!” “I haven’t felt this good since we stole the 2000 election!” Yep, Ned’s an ultra wacko religious conservative Republican now! The GOP is evil and he loves George Bush!
– I like Ned’s twisted nightmare of “Hollyweird,” complete with an appearance from James L. Brooks (“Perhaps you’d like to go to a football game?” “Well…” “We don’t have a team!” “Nooo!!”)
– The scene at the Kwik-E-Mart is like a perfect storm of shit: distasteful dialogue (“The last thing I bought for a lady was a casket,”) Apu trying to pawn off two of his kids on Sloane, and apparently has already given away three to Mia Farrow, then the Simpsons walk in and we get this dialogue from Bart and Lisa (“Look, it’s celebrity boy-toy Ned Flanders and his arm candy Sara Sloane!” “Miss Sloane, how are you handling the change from La-La-Land to Blah-Blah-Land?”) Nobody talks like that. At all. Especially not small children. If they’re going to keep writing dialogue like this for these kids, they might as well age them up to teens so it makes a little more sense.
– Sloane attends the local book club, where they all make excuses for why they didn’t read the week’s book and crack open the margaritas. I like that conceit, but then it’s ruined when Sloane brings in Bridget Jone’s Diary author Helen Fielding (voicing herself) to do a stupid bit, which then comes back later when the writers had absolutely no idea how to end the episode.
– I love this dialogue when Sloane shows Ned her skimpy outfit (“Loosen up, honey, this dress just creates the illusion of nudity.” “Well, Siegfried and Roy create a lot of illusions, but I doubt their girlfriends dress like that!”)
– Honestly, I can see Ned being tempted and sleeping with Sloane. It would have worked a lot better if the entire episode was focused on it, because it’s a huge leap for his character. Call it “The Last Temptation of Flanders.” Instead we got this, and a cop-out ending. Le sigh.