(originally aired February 27, 2000)
After the last few clunkers, this episode is surprisingly a breath of fresh air. A solid enough story, nice characterization, humorous set pieces and gags… I thoroughly enjoyed a fair amount of this show. The beginning at Duff Days was really fabulous, not only as an opening gag fest, but it had a cynical, inappropriate edge that the show does best, from the barbed wire fence holding the sober guests and the glorification of getting kids drunk via a simulator. I don’t even mind Homer’s fake fire drill at the beginning, it feels more like a bonehead plan born out of his rampant enthusiasm for the event than him being a total jerk. The highlight of the festival is a bartending contest, hosted by the grand reintroduction of Duffman. Introduced right at the end of the Oakley/Weinstein era, Duffman feels like the last classic character, and I absolutely love him here, a bombastic, mindless corporate shill. Some of his best lines come from this episode (“Duffman can’t breathe! Oh no!”)

Moe competes and wins the competition, with the prize of having his face on the new Duff calendar. Put off by his ugly mug, the powers that be at Duff release the calendar with multiple stickers covering his face. This puts things in perspective for Moe, pondering whether he’s really that hideous. I feel this characterization of Moe of being a pathetic insecure mess to be pitied has been stretched further and further in later seasons, but here it still feels genuine, as you get a fair blend of the innocent and the bitter anger. Moe opts for plastic surgery, which gives him a glorious new handsome visage. What then? Find everyone who wronged him in his past and rub it in their faces, which feels like a true petty thing Moe would do. His last stop is at the local television studio, who turned him down for a soap opera role back in his acting days. And wouldn’t you know, he ends up getting hired for the exact part he tried out for when the current actor gives the producers too much grief. That’s some great timing, huh?

I like the bits we see of “It Never Ends,” but I feel like what little we saw of Springfield’s other soap “Search for the Sun” in the past ripped on soaps a whole lot better. It’s later in the third act when the story starts to go awry. It feels like they wrote themselves to this late point and realized they had to wrap it up and panicked. Moe gets a delivery in his hands, a book conveniently labeled “Future Plot Lines,” and is shocked to find that they’re killing off his character. To get even, Moe has Homer sabotage the show as an “angel from the future” and reveal the premise of future scripts live on the air. Why would they broadcast a soap opera live? And why would the executives allow this? It just feels like an all-together rushed ending. And while it makes no sense for Moe’s face to turn back to normal after a gigantic wall falls on it, I’m not so bothered by it, since you know he’s going to be back to normal by the end anyway. Perhaps there could have been a better reason for it, but it’s not terrible. So despite some hiccups with the ending, I enjoyed this more than I thought I would. A pretty solid episode.

Tidbits and Quotes
– The Duff Days set piece is everything something like the skiing opening of “Little Big Mom” is not: consistently funny. From the front gates with Surly Duff (“Drink Duff! …responsibly,”) the internment camp-esque Duff Designated Drivers’ Rockin’ Fun Zone (“When we get home, there’s going to be a lot of opened pickle jars,”) surly robot Babe Ruth facing down surly robot Ben Franklin, and a tipsy Bart and Milhouse (“This guy… this is the guy…”) All funny, and on point about the questionable nature of the festival.
– Moe’s other two contestants are perfectly indicative of other bartender stereotypes: Michael Finn, the burly Irishman, and Titania, the Hooters-type waitress with a sizable chest. Or as Moe casually refers to them as, “the Mick and the chick with the rack.” The competition is great as well. Trick pouring easily goes to Titania, who overflows two taps as her natural assets bounce up and down. The quiz round goes to Titania as well, despite her not knowing the answer. By round three, it’s obvious there’s some jury tampering (“You said if I slept with you, I wouldn’t have to touch the drunk!” “Duffman says a lot of things! Oh yeah!”)
– The little running “plot line” with the pink elephant balloon is sort of empty, but an amusing time waster. The balloon itself is another great small detail from the fair, and the payoff is pretty good of it ending up at the gay Republican headquarters. Lisa receives a bumper sticker for her efforts (“‘A Gay President in 2084?'” “We’re realistic.”) In all honestly, where we are now, that feels like a little too soon.
– Another slight sore spot in this episode is Homer. Shocking, right? The writers seem to love making him an impulsive madman at this point: stealing money from Moe’s cash register, throwing a rock through a woman’s window, giddily dousing the soap opera set with kerosene. He’s like a big kid desperate for screen time in another man’s story. Those three instances were basically it, but they stand out as blights to this episode to me.
– We get a re-use of a classic Dr. Nick joke of anesthetic actually being “New Car Smell,” but it’s slightly saved when the nurse switches the machine dial, and we see “New Car Smell” and “Anesthetic” are the only two toggle options.
– This episode has a lot of small jokes that normally fall flat but are great here, like Snake helping his son with his first theft (“That’s my little dude!”)
– I love Dan Castellaneta’s voice for the actor playing Dr. Tad Winslow. It’s so overly theatrical, almost like a more pompous Sideshow Mel. I also love he has an eyepatch tan line on as he removes it for seemingly the first time in many years.
– Nice brief exchange between Lenny and Carl walking to the bar (“So, Lenny, how are things working out between you and that girl next door?” “Eh, it’s over. She got a window shade.”)
– I like how Moe being into acting is sort of a call back to when he was a child actor on the Little Rascals. It’s not totally random (“As a child, I was bitten by the acting bug. Then it burrowed under my skin and laid eggs in my heart. Now, those eggs are hatching and… the feeling is indescribable.” “I know what you mean. Our dog had that.”)
– As I said, the ending is dumb, but I like Marge taking notes and that after reading three plot lines, the producer screams that Homer has blown a whole year’s worth of programming. Makes total sense, since soap opera stories drag on, and on, and ooooonnn…

(originally aired February 20, 2000)
I guess at some point I’m just going to have to accept this show is just another cartoon now. I throw that term around a lot, and let it be known, I am in no way decrying cartoons. It’s all about context. I don’t expect to see an episode about sleazy public figures or marital spats on Dexter’s Laboratory, and nor do I expect to see superstrong babies or mythical creatures on The Simpsons. And yet, I have, and the series shows no signs of getting any less ridiculous and wacky. But I just can’t go along for the ride. I’m not saying the show has to be firmly grounded in reality all the time, it never was, but if you’re going to make that reach, at least have it make a little bit of sense, or at least be funny. This episode, like many this season, manages to do neither. Take the lead-in with this one, where Homer makes a phony donation to PBS to get them to stop interrupting programming with a pledge drive. When he’s exposed for not having the money, he’s chased by an angry mob, consisting of Mr. Rogers, Yo Yo Ma, Teletubbies who shoot fucking lasers, and Big Bird, who flies in like a hawk. I mean, this is like Family Guy-type shit. It’s ironic that the writers would take a shot at them at the end of the episode, considering that at this point, the series isn’t that much worse than them. Man, I never thought I would say that…

Reverend Lovejoy assists Homer in his escape from PBS in exchange for acting as a missionary on the small island of Microatia. Now, bizarre set-up aside, I don’t think this premise makes much sense from a story point of view. Homer the missionary? What’s the point, other than to have him engage in wacky antics with native people? Maybe if he had been paired up with Flanders, who proceeds to curry the favor of the people, and Homer out of jealousy attempts to one-up him, and the two egos get the best of each other in the end. That might have been interesting, and made more sense as a basis of a episode. Here, it’s just silly and pointless storytelling. He builds a a casino for reasons that escape me, which ends up backfiring, and then he goes back to finishing off the chapel, which turns into a big disaster and then we have our PBS ending, which feels like less of a clever callback than just a cheap cop-out. It honestly seems like the writers are caring less and less about these episodes being somewhat meaningful or having a point. Just throw in a bunch of wacky shit, and we’re good.

Back at home, the rest of the Simpsons keep in touch with Homer via ham radio, which Marge seems to know how to use, and is able to get reception from where what must be on the other side of the planet. Also it’s daytime in both places during their call. But who cares, right? Homer makes Bart the man of the house, which of course means that now he has to go into work for him. And Lenny, Carl, and Burns can’t tell that it’s a kid. This stuff just really annoys me, and departs the series even further from the reality it once was in, if that were even possible. You’re telling me Burns doesn’t realize he’s talking to a ten-year-old? Lenny and Carl have met Homer’s son, they don’t recognize him? I’m putting more thought into this than the writers did, they just thought it’d be funny if Bart actually acted like the “man of the house.” Doesn’t Bart have school? How did he get to the power plant? Why would Marge put up with this bullshit? Doesn’t matter. None of this matters. I’m getting a headache. We’re done here.

Tidbits and Quotes
– I like pretty much everything before the PBS mob: “Do Shut Up” being England’s longest running series (“And today, we’re showing all seven episodes,”) the pledge gifts of a tote bag, and an umbrella with a picture of the tote bag, and Betty White, who gives a great performance (“If you watch even one second of PBS and don’t contribute, you’re a thief! A common thief!”) I also like Homer’s contentment with thinking he’d get away with his anonymous contribution, then being hoisted by his own petard (“Ohh, why did I register with Insta-Trace!”)
– Lovejoy’s pretty good for the little screen time he has, wishing he had never taught Homer the word “sanctuary,” and this great bit (“Please help me, I’ll do anything! I’ll light a candle! I’ll help with your next charity scam!” “The word is drive.” “Sure, sure, Bob’s your uncle, let’s just get out of here!”)
– If nothing else, I can credit this episode with giving us the word “Jebus.”
– More dumb cartoony shit with the butterfly burrowing into Homer’s arm and crawling about his body. It’s like the penny thing in “Thirty Minutes Over Tokyo,” but even more disgusting.
– I kind of like the native girl Lisa, Jr., though I wish her relationship with Homer had been played up a bit more, acting as Lisa’s surrogate whose presence makes Homer want to do a good job in helping the natives. That’s sort of the case, but not really.
– It’s a small line, but I hate when Bart cuts off Homer’s nonsensical diatribe to ask him if he’s been licking toads. Like, why would Bart even know about that, let alone think to ask his father that question? To make the joke work, of course. Never mind that none of this sounds like actual dialogue a real person would say, we need to set up and pay off our clunky material.
– I hate his scene, but I do like Burns’s outrage that Homer apparently sold plutonium to the Iraqis, with no mark-up.
– This whole thing’s a cartoon now. They built that whole casino and roulette wheel and everything? And later one of them holds up actual playing cards, which came from God knows where. But through all of it, I liked the idea of Homer making his own beer, which to me feels like a call-back to “Homer vs. the Eighteenth Amendment.”
– I like this Homer line (“Well, I may not know much about God, but I have to say we built a pretty nice cage for Him.”)
– The pledge ending feels like a cop-out, like I said, but I do like the idea of it, and seeing all the other FOX stars waiting for your call, including Hank Hill, Bender, Thurgood Stubbs from The PJ’s, and of course Rupert Murdoch. And I do love the shot at Family Guy, but honestly, this show should not be throwing stones at “crude, low-brow programming” considering what I’ve been watching for the last two seasons.

(originally aired February 13, 2000)
In 1999, Maggie Roswell had a falling out with FOX regarding a pay dispute. This left the show in a minor pickle. While it’s not as devastating as losing one of their big six cast members, Roswell still voiced her fair share of memorable characters, including Helen Lovejoy and Maude Flanders. But her roles were at best tertiary, and keeping them mostly silent with a recurring replacement guest voice every now and then wouldn’t have been too difficult to pull off. Instead, this gave the writers the opportunity to pull off a big fat gimmick episode and kill off Ned’s beloved wife. I distinctly remember the promotion for this episode, making a big deal that someone on the show was going to die, and that it could be anyone. Rumor had it it was going to be one of Marge’s sisters, but it had already leaked that it was Maude. There’s something about this episode that’s terribly misguided, perhaps linked to the circumstances that led to its inception. It doesn’t feel like a story they particularly wanted to tell, and it’s certainly clear they can’t handle the heavy subject matter. All in all, it’s just incredibly clumsy.

Let’s start with talking about what killing off Maude means. Though his role has shifted slightly over time, Ned Flanders has always represented everything Homer is not. He’s got a wife and kids who adore him, is well-off financially, and things always seem to go his way. Ned always has a smile on his face and a kind word to say to his neighbor-eeno, as Homer toils away at a job he hates, with kids who don’t respect him and always finds himself at the butt end of fate’s cruel, cruel jokes. But in killing Maude, Ned is cut down a peg, his happy life burnt to cinders. He can no longer play this role anymore, and must be reborn in a way. This gave the writers the opportunity to build on this character in the future. …they didn’t, but that’s news for another time. So this could have been an interesting role reversal story, where Ned in his time of need takes solace in the dysfunctional Simpson family, who need to work together to get him on his feet and help him move on. Instead we get bonehead Homer making him a dating tape and hiding out in mailboxes.

Things feel so haphazard here, and the way in which they deal with Maude’s death is so crass. I don’t mean to bring the tone down, but this blog is about my specific reaction to each episode, and having not seen this one in years, re-watching it now struck me in a different way. My mother passed away last fall, and seeing this definitely brought up parallels. Some of Ned’s behavior reminded me of my dad, struggling of what to do with his life and how he could move on. But with stuff like the “Let ‘Er R.I.P.” T-shirt and Homer’s jerky behavior throughout, the episode felt so wrong, like it didn’t even try to blend the jokes with the serious story. I felt offended with how terribly out of place some of these bits were and the tonal clash they created. Now, don’t get me wrong, any subject is fair game for comedy. Hell, this show has done fabulous shows about death in the past. Episodes like “Old Money” and “‘Round Springfield” were thoughtful portrayals of how the death of a loved one affects us, and how we can go on with our lives without them, and on top of that, communicated all that in a funny way. What does this episode communicate? I haven’t a clue. If there’s any episode I can point to that truly shows how far the series has fallen, it may be this one. Sure, “Saddlesore Galactica” is absolute shit, but this is what the series now considers to be a meaningful, emotional episode. Play this one back to back with one of the episodes I just mentioned, and the differences could not be more stark. The former is a brilliant show, and the latter just has no idea what the hell it’s doing.

Tidbits and Quotes
– A lot of the set pieces in these later episodes are kind of hard to talk about, since there’s not that much there that’s funny or memorable. Lisa is shocked to find that part of the nature reserve has been gutted to build a new racetrack. So, they proceed to cross the road while race cars are speeding down it. I can see Homer doing this, but the rest of the family? The animals adapting to their new environments, racer Clay Babcock, the stuff at the actual race itself… I got nothing. It’s only offensive in that it’s not funny. The only good bit at the race was this exchange between Ralph and Chief Wiggum upon seeing Homer shirtless (“Mommy has bosoms like that!” “Yeah, I wish.”)
– Okay, so Maude’s death. I guess I don’t have a problem with the ridiculously absurd circumstances of her demise. I do take issue that Homer is indirectly responsible, but only in that it’s another sizable example of them setting something up and doing nothing with it. Even someone as thick as Homer has to realize that he was accidentally responsible for someone dying (don’t bother bringing up “Homer’s Enemy,” as that context is totally different). As such, you’d think this would affect him in some way. Maybe make his overenthusiastic desire to help Ned is a response to this sense of guilt. But instead Homer remains locked in jerk mode, where even at his nicest, he still feels like a creepy weirdo. Plus we get the high-larious joke about Homer parking in the ambulance space at the hospital delaying resuscitation that could have saved Maude’s life. That may be the worst line in the history of the series. Homer is basically a reprehensible monster at this point.
– The funeral also feels so wrong. Instead of being meaningful, it just becomes a big meta commentary about how Maude was a minor supporting character in life, and is one of the few major changes that has happened to the series like Apu getting married and having kids and the Van Houtens breaking up. It felt pathetic, like the writers crowing, “Look at all this stuff we changed! Aren’t we innovative!” Also the Fandamonium girls being there felt really wrong. They made a joke about it being part of their settlement due to the accident, but how inappropriate. It’s a cruel joke that maybe would work if it were geared toward a dislikable character, but Ned? The people indirectly responsible for his wife’s death are at her funeral, shooting off the very shirts that killed her. And Homer finally gets his fucking shirt with a fucking crass slogan on it and is oh so satisfied. UGH.
– There are glimmers of Homer being a nice guy here, like when he tucks Flanders in the first night, but it immediately flips back to him wanting to chuck rocks at him (and pocketing some in case he needs them for later).
– One of the few, few laughs here is the zoom-in on Ned’s pin number during Homer’s dating video. Which is then ruined by the next scene, Ned in the shower with pixellation obscuring his seemingly large genitals. A completely tasteless scene.
– I guess we get some foreshadowing to the whole Nedna thing with seeing the two of them on a date. …wait, what the hell am I saying, foreshadowing? That implies it was planned that they would get together, not another gimmicky ass pull. The scene’s not funny anyway.
– Ned’s crisis of faith and falling out with God is another interesting plot turn that could have happened in this episode, with the senseless death of his wife being the thing that finally breaks Ned, turning his back on the Almighty, and the citizens of Springfield needing to bring him back. But no, we’ll just make a quick joke out of it. No sense in doing a show about actual character development when we can have more silly Homer antics.
– So if this is the boat we’re in, Ned could do worse than Rachel Jordan. She reappeared next season in a disposable episode, so she doesn’t have much in the way of character, but she could have. In any case, we get our “hopeful” ending (“My name’s Ned Flanders, and I’m here every week. Rain or shine,”) with the writers hoping to garner some sentiment, but all it does is remind me how little there actually was.

(originally aired February 6, 2000)
This is a pretty infamous episode, and if you’re a fan, you know why. In fact, I can feel your blood boiling through the computer screen right now. But don’t worry, we’ll get to it. And to dispel any mystery up front, yeah, this episode blows. Even before we get to the controversial third act, this show is pretty limp, with fragmented acts, jumbled characterization and plot turns, and spits at the face of the audience for “daring” to point out that part of this story has been done before (and so, so, so much better). We open at the state fair where Lisa is competing in a school band competition, whose award is swiped by Ogdenville and their use of non-approved glow sticks in their performance. Her outrage and seek for reprisal is played out through the episode, but there’s really not much to pick through here. The fair is your typical Simpsons set piece, except with none of the jokes really work at all. Instead we have Homer acting like an dickhead, screaming at BTO and bemoaning having to sit through his daughter’s recital.

Also at the fair is Duncan the diving horse, an act that is swiftly cancelled when his owner is charged with animal cruelty and flees the scene. Bart, who has taken a shining to the animal in all of fifteen seconds, guilts his mother into taking in the horse. So, “Lisa’s Pony,” right? Except with none of the realism. We get a scene where Marge tabulates how expensive it will be to keep Duncan, which is absolved by Homer’s insistence that he can be a lightning fast race horse. And Bart can be the jockey, for some reason. Duncan is intimidated by the other horses at first, until Bart and Homer give him a new punk identity, rechristening him as Furious D. We haven’t even got to the third act and I already feel like I’m watching a stupid cartoon. The horse has a goddamn nose ring and is glory hogging on two legs at the finish line. The relationship between Bart and Duncan could have been something somewhat emotional to be developed, but a large amount of this episode is focused on Homer as Duncan’s “trainer,” reaping in the awards and being an overall asshole while doing it.

Okay, so here we go. The jockeys are annoyed about Duncan winning race after race and confront Homer about it. In their underground lair. Where they live in trees by a chocolate stream. And they’re elves. Elves. But this is a trick, right? They see how thick and gullible Homer is, so they concocted this ruse to scare him into forfeiting the next race. That would make some sense, right? Nope. All jockeys are elves, and if Homer doesn’t throw the race, they’ll eat his brain. Do I even need to comment? We’ve seen some pretty improbable and impossible things over the last two seasons, between sword fighting with motorcycles and the Loch Ness monster being real, but this just takes the cake. At least Burns seeked out Nessie for a purpose and it had a pay-off. Here, Duncan races and wins anyway, the elves chase after Homer and Bart with swords, and they’re subdued by a garden hose. And thrown in a garbage bag. It’s like the writers could care less. And yes, I just used “Monty Can’t Buy Me Love” as a favorable comparison. A completely bankrupt episode with an inexcusable third act. This is complete garbage, one of the worst episodes ever, for sure.

Tidbits and Quotes
– I like Mr. Largo’s close-mindedness at the beginning (“Very well, Lisa, what rousing Sousa march would you have us play?” “Well, I thought for once we could play a song that wasn’t written by Sousa.” “You mean something… just arranged by Sousa?”
– All the fair stuff is crap: Homer being a dick posing as a veteran to get out of paying fifty cents (though I did smirk at him saying he was stationed at “Margaret Cho,”) and a useless appearance by Bachman Turner Overdrive with Homer yelling and screaming at them like an asshole. There’s also a bit that is so unbelievably lazy. Lisa bitterly comments, “I can’t believe those idiot judges were impressed by glowing plastic tubes.” What’s the punchline? Can you guess? Homer mesmerized by a bunch of glowsticks on his neck. Cutting edge comedy. Indicative of how low the standards of this show have gotten.
– Comic Book Guy appears to act as the viewer in observing the Simpsons sheltering a horse has been done already, and he is promptly ridiculed and demeaned. It’s like the writers realized they were treading over old ground, then said not only fuck it, but we’ll mock anyone who informs us of this. It’s kind of like “The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Show,” but way worse since that was an amazing episode. They’re telling us the viewers to shut the fuck up, and then turn around with this steaming pile of shit? That takes some brass balls, fellas.
– More cartoony crap as we see Moe’s heart literally jump out of his chest like an old Tex Avery short. They make a joke about it, but it’s just fucking ridiculous. That shit shouldn’t happen in a show like this, period.
– I do think it’s kind of cute that Bart rides Duncan wearing his Krusty pajamas. And instead of a riding crop, he has a toilet brush.
– The few good lines come from the racing announcer (“It’s Chock Full O’Drugs followed closely by Stalker, with Old Levis fading fast!” “In a bizarre twist, a horse is abusing a jockey! Might this be the start of a terrifying Planet of the Horses? In this announcer’s opinion, almost certainly yes. And away I go!”)
– Shouldn’t Duncan be disqualified for viciously knocking other jockeys off their horses? Oh wait, I guess the joke is that Duncan might beat them up too, so give him the prize and make him happy before he kills us. There’s way too much human consciousness out of this horse. As Matt Groening’s mantra goes , animals are a lot funnier when they act like… animals.
– A perfectly good Cake song is tainted by being featured in this episode. Quite a shame.
– Jockey elves, jockey elves, fucking jockey elves… even after 23 seasons, it’s still one of the lowest points of the series. And, really, there’s no point to them. The threat is absolved immediately, and out of nowhere. And even though they’re still pretty big, like maybe hovering under five feet, they all manage to fit in a trash bag. And that’s the solution? They can’t break free of the bag? The garbage men will come, notice there are living things in the bag, tear it open, then the jockeys will escape and kill Bart and Homer. That would be a more satisfying ending than this. And also the Bill Clinton thing, which would be funnier if it actually made any sense. Also his outro line, “Hey, I’m a pretty lousy president” stings even more now knowing who would come after him…

(originally aired January 23, 2000)
Like “Hello Gutter, Hello Fadder,” this is a relatively new breed of episode, one we’d see often in the future. It’s a “stuff just happens” show; there’s a lot of different tenuously connected set pieces, and things definitely do happen, but none of it is cohesive or has a consistent theme whatsoever. Also the actual point of the story is unclear. What exactly is this episode about? If it’s about Homer desperately wanting to cling to this billionaire high life, they sure did a poor job communicating it. We open at the Springfield Pride Awards, hosted by Kent Brockman and… Britney Spears. Now, many celebrities have appeared at hometown events in the past (Leonard Nimoy, Barry White, James Brown, and so on), but all of them either were somewhat related to the subject of the event, and were really funny. As preposterous as it was for a big star to be at a local festival, you accepted that they were there. But megastar Britney Spears hosting this? No way. Just more bullshit stunt casting.

At said award show, Mr. Burns realizes he’s the oldest man in Springfield, and decides he’s due for a medical check-up. So who will watch his spacious mansion when he’s gone? One of his many servants, cronies, or business friends? Nope, let’s just get that big dumb idiot to do it. This is more sanitized Burns, he’s stuck in his helpless old man mode we saw in “The Old Man and the Lisa.” His ruthless nature appears to have evaporated. His reaction to the doctor’s bad news feels so pathetic, when I feel he should be irritated in some way. But anyway, the Simpsons take residence at Burns Manor, where, as I’ve said, stuff happens. It’s a bunch of isolated scenes at first, then seem to be gearing towards Homer planning a big party before Burns returns. Homer’s a blind moron here, driving drunk in the house, swishing Brandy over his daughter’s face, and just being a generally irresponsible man child. This idea of Homer living the high life and not wanting to give it up feels like it had potential, but it appears none of it actually made it to the screen.

When he finds out booze can’t be sold until 2pm on Sundays, Homer holds his party on international waters, where they can drink all they want. Having everyone go out to sea for the third act kind of divorces yourself from your main story. You know what else does that too? Fucking pirates. The ship is attacked and taken over by pirates. What exactly is the point of all this? And what the fuck is happening? We get an unwelcome return of dumb action sequence endings that occurred in every single season 10 episode, even though we’re on a boat and Homer has no place he can hide or get away to. It’s all just clumsy filler, and I’m busy checking my watch praying it will be over soon. So we end on improbable and moronic reasoning for their escape, Burns returning neutered as ever, and a tacky hokey resolution to the main “story.” To some degree, I don’t even feel I can hate an episode like this or “Hello Gutter, Hello Fadder.” They don’t even seem to try to be about anything or make a point, so at least they didn’t fail at their mission. But still, this is what the series has become? Aimless non-stories with unrelated sequences and an ending with goddamn pirates? Not The Simpsons I know…

Tidbits and Quotes
– The whole Springfield Pride Awards idea bothers me. When we’re at the point where we’re showing Lenny and the other characters getting awards, it’s getting closer and closer to everyone in town knowing everyone else. Everyone in town has their own little separate social circles, like any major town, but soon Barney will know who Cletus is, or the Sea Captain will acknowledge Milhouse. This is a town full of pride for good ol’ Jebediah and their history, but I’m not too sure they have much pride in each other. Plus there’s no good jokes in the scene whatsoever. I smirked at Cornelius Chapman taking a bullet for Huey Long. And oh, Britney Spears’s kiss kills the old man. Hilarious. And Brockman acts so cavalier about it, nudging his corpse aside. Feels more cruel than funny to me.
– “Who’s that fellow who always screws up and creates havoc?” “Homer Simpson, sir?” “Yes! The way I see it, he’s due for a good performance!” I hate, hate, hate this bit. It’s not enough that he’d trust Homer, but that he acknowledges that he’d fuck shit up at his house. Why would Burns do this? It’s just a clumsy wink-and-nod about how of course he’s going to pick the Simpsons, but they could have done it in a way that was funny (call back to Smithers’s database search in “Homer the Smithers.”)
– We see Marge’s painting of Burns from “Brush With Greatness” in the hallway, with his genitals obscured by a nearby flower. Just makes me wish I were watching that episode instead.
– Pretty crass and out-of-character joke of Marge scratching her ass with the supposed ass-scratching fork.
– I like the animation of when Homer collapses from the brandy, the glass shifting around and hitting his head with a “tink” sound.
– One of the few parts I liked was Homer’s call to Thailand, where he “uh-huhs” once or twice before commenting, “That’s some language you got there. And you talk like that 24/7, huh?”
– I kind of like the explanation of Burns’s condition (Three Stooges syndrome), but it does feel way too dumb. Burns’s callous reaction to it doesn’t help much either.
– I really don’t have much to say about the boat stuff. Just the characters acting like idiots and pirates show up. And as if we didn’t have enough physically impossible things this season, the net full of people floats. Any explanation for this? No. Whatever. Fuck you.
– Dan Castellaneta does an amusing ad-lib over the credits, screaming and whining about how everyone is rich. An adequate way to end an abysmal show.