(originally aired May 10, 1998)
Lisa takes a bus to see a special exhibit at the museum and ends up getting lost in the big city. A pretty innocuous plot that could have been a sweet little story featuring the more kid-like side of the character. But once Homer gets involved, things start getting disastrous, with a ridiculous action sequence and an absurd proclamation from the Simpson patriarch that basically solidifies his jerkass character. But we’ll get to all that later. Marge originally intended to take Lisa to the museum, but gets sidelined when Bart returns home with novelties glued to his face… with superglue. Said glue was obtained from Homer, who Bart and Milhouse managed to bother at work. How they got in, I’m not sure. Also earlier in the day we saw he was at Moe’s. There’s no real reason they needed to get the glue from him, but I guess they figured more Homer means more funny. Although if anything, this “B-story” provides the best scene in the whole show, where Hibbert removes the items by frightening Bart with a violent-looking button applicator, where his sweat dissolves the glue. It’s one of those bits that’s so dumb it’s fantastic (“Couldn’t you have just turned the heat up a little?” “Oh, heavens no! It had to be terror sweat!”)

With a no from her mother, Lisa shrewdly plays her father to get permission to take a bus, which is a nice scene. But due to a mix-up with the bus schedules, she ends up way off course, far out in the city limits. What kind of an asshole is this bus driver that he’d not only not bother to help this poor eight-year-old girl, but abandon her on the side of the road? So while Lisa’s trying to find her way to the museum, a talk with Lenny and Carl makes Homer realize the mistake he made in letting her daughter out alone and rushes off to find her. The two eventually find each other when Homer hijacks a cherry picker to get an aerial view of the city, but he ends up sending it careening down a steep hill. Then it’s just a big silly action set piece where Homer can scream, whimper and get hurt a lot, but it kind of takes it way too far here. He hits his head on a traffic light? Fine. He scrapes his head along the underside of a bridge? His skin would have been ripped off, but whatever. Then the picker goes into the river, where his body cuts through the wood on the dock. Okay… The picker’s still going in the water, where Homer could jump out of at any time. But instead, he’s saved when a drawbridge closes on his head. Maybe it’s just me, but it felt way too crazy, especially for what before this was a relatively timid episode.

As if that ridiculousness wasn’t enough, we get a sizable revelation from Homer within the last three minutes of the episode. When Lisa vows she’ll never take a stupid risk ever again, Homer slams the brakes and informs her otherwise, claiming that stupid risks make life worth living, and that’s why he has so many crazy adventures. So instead of Homer being an average American man who has dramatic and absurd scenarios befall him (which is part of the reason why they’re funny), now he’s Captain Wacky, actively doing stupid things on impulse so he can have “adventures.” It’s astounding how jarring this scene is. Even Lisa in-universe seems kind of perturbed by her father’s statements. Homer loves the thrill of adventure? Homer loves lying on the couch eating himself into a food coma. His whole diatribe is almost like his new mission statement, as from this point on he’s pretty much always up to some wacky hijinks, a fractured caricature of his former self. And just to put a cherry on top of the shit sundae, the scene’s even more aggravating because it comes out of nowhere with mere minutes left on the clock. At this point, I could care less about the two of them breaking into the museum, which is a pretty dull ordeal. This episode’s got a few good lines in it, but it’s a mostly dry first half and an absolute catastrophe of a back end.

Tidbits and Quotes
– I like dapper Barney early in the morning before going to Moe’s. He’s always been a real classy guy sober.
– Great line about the exclusivity of the exhibit (“It’s the first time these Egyptian artifacts have been allowed out of England!”)
– I really like the phone call between Lisa and Homer as she slyly plays him to get her way, omitting what her mother said and tricking him to “downgrade” her from a limousine to taking the bus. It’s classic kid tactics at work, finished off with her hanging up the phone, cutting her father off of saying he loves her.
– Nice minor bit of Moe hailing a taxi to the VD Clinic. Of course.
– It’s stupid, but I love the bit where Lisa sees a flock of geese flying north… who immediately fly into another flock heading in the other direction and they have an aerial scuffle.
– Lisa stumbles upon Area 51A. A map outside provides no help on finding her location (“You are Here. We are Not.”)
– The scene in Dr. Hibbert’s office really is the best scene here (“Why, if I had seventy five dollars for every novelty I removed… oh, by the way, I’ll need a check for seventy five dollars.”)
– I like the seemingly angry Russian man playing chess, and the reappearance of the Khlau Kalash vendor from “City of New York.”
– Another stupid bit, but I love the timing and progression of this scene: Homer concludes he needs to get to a higher vantage point to look for Lisa. He buys a bunch of balloons from a street vendor… and then walks over to the man by the cherry picker (“These are for you if you let me use your cherry picker!” “Well, I’ve already got some balloons, but.. they’re not this nice. Deal!”)
– That Homer speech… I could just dissect it line for line of how awful it is, and how horribly foreboding it is of what’s to come. “Feeling stupid? I know I am!” encapsulates it pretty well though. Jeez…
– Thinking on it more, the ending with the Orb of Isis also bothers me. Archeologists studied that thing for decades and couldn’t figure out how to open it? It fell a few feet and just opened by itself, for God’s sakes. The entire third act is just one terrible thing after another.

(originally aired May 3, 1998)
Here’s an episode that surprised me. A few improbable elements aside, this one features a pretty solid story with appropriate emotional heft. Having been dabbling in the key of Jerkass throughout the season, Homer actually exhibits some pathos here, and in almost a throwback to the earlier seasons, the plot is fueled by his desire to make his son proud. It all starts at a church picnic, where Homer embarrasses Bart and himself playing capture the flag, becoming exhausted after only running a short bit. Following this, he vows to get into shape, triggering an understandably incredulous reaction by Marge, as we can tell it’s a line she’s heard many times before. Homer discovers a late-night gym and begins training with Hollywood super-hunk Rainier Wolfcastle, and by “train,” I mean he shouts slogans at him while he does weights (“Reach over the top! Master your ass!”)

In two months, Homer starts to show some pretty nice results. In a great scene, he shows off to his family, and in a boast to them to try to grab some flab, they find quite a few deposits of it. I like that it’s depicted realistically, that despite him building up his arm muscles, he’s not like a super stud after this short of an amount of time. Along with working out, Homer has been on a diet exclusively of Powersauce energy bars, which allegedly have a secret ingredient that unleashes the awesome power of apples. Wolfcastle is their spokesman, who is later approached by two representatives to do a promotional stunt for them: climbing the Murderhorn, the tallest mountain in Springfield, to show how much vigor and energy their product has given him. He refuses, but Bart volunteers his father for the job, and not wanting to let his son down, he accepts. Powersauce reps Brad and Neil are voiced by Brendan Fraser and Steven Weber, and while they’re amusing and do an alright job (“This just in! Powersauce is amazing!”), I kinda feel they could just have well been voiced by the regular cast.

I guess the only thing I have an issue with is the mountain. The gag is how absolutely humungous it is to even greater intimidate Homer, but the thing is fucking huge. Like how have we never noticed it in the town before or since? But it’s a minor gripe, so I won’t harp on it. Homer is sent up with two Sherpas by the Powersauce reps to make sure he survives, but more importantly that their promotion goes off without a hitch, and they get a lot of great lines (“Brad and Neil were quite insistent that you not die.” “Frankly, we don’t care.”) But when Homer finds they’ve been dragging him up the mountain while he sleeps to speed up his climb, he fires them and does the trek alone. There’s a few periods of suspense with no jokes of Homer climbing up and up, but you’re so devoted to the character and hope he succeeds that it’s alright. And even though he only reaches the summit by technicality, you’re still proud of him. So yeah, a pretty great episode, consistently engaging, lots of laughs, and a more traditional characterization of Homer, which is a breath of fresh air this season.

Tidbits and Quotes
– The McBain movie at the beginning with the Commi-Nazis is so great. And the added touch that he’s delivering UNICEF pennies (“Go, pennies! Help the puny children who need you!”) I also love Marge’s attempt to make a joke, which admittedly is pretty good, when she walks in the room and watches McBain break one of his enemy’s necks, just as he was begging for mercy (“That’s what I call break-neck speed!”) Bart isn’t amused (“Mom, a man just died.”)
– Not a big fan of Homer parking in the middle of the baseball diamond. Probably because it’s just like him parking in the middle of the boardwalk in “My Sister, My Sitter” last season. And it’s just like him parking in the middle of the beach in “When You Dish Upon a Star” next season. Hrmm.
– I love Ned’s ethical qualm about playing sports on a Sunday, and Lovejoy’s absolute disdain (“Oh, just play the damn game, Ned!”)
– Great moment with Comic Book Guy, who is exposed when the porto-john is knocked over (“It appears I will have to find a new fortress of solitude.”)
– Homer attempting to roll over as kids pelt him with deviled eggs is another of the show’s great moments that are so incredibly depressing and hilarious simultaneously.
– I love Homer’s signature Kwik-E-Mart purchase: a bucket of ice cream with miniature pies in it. Homer instead asks for something a bit more healthy (“We do have some low-salt candy bars and some reduced fat soda, and our beef jerky is now nearly rectum-free!”)
– Brad and Neil pitch their promotion to Wolfcastle: he tells him to picture himself (“I love it!”) climbing the Murderhorn. Turns out it’s too much even for him (“Not for all the apple sauce in Glückenschabbel!”)
– I love all the bits with the Sherpas (“I foresaw your death last night.” “Stop saying that!”) and when they hitch a ride to Nepal in the back of a pick-up truck at the end.
– When Homer announces he’s doing the rest of the climb alone, Neil breaks and reveals that Powersauce bars are nothing more than apple cores and Chinese newspapers. Homer examines one carefully (“Hey, Deng Xiaoping died.”) Brad and Neil cover their asses and announce on TV that Homer has abandoned their product in favor of the “Vita-Peach Health Log” and that he may not have enough “mega-nutrients” to make the climb.
– Homer’s hallucination is alright, but we’ve seen plenty of them in the past done much better.
– I love the reveal of the frozen corpse of Grampa’s supposed rival near the top of the mountain, revealing the old man’s story was all fake. His last written words are particularly touching (“Tell my beloved wife my last thoughts were of her… blinding and torturing Abe Simpson.”)
– The moment where Homer replaces the Powersauce flag with the one with “Simpson” on it from capture the flag, putting it in the mountain in the name of his son is a pretty sweet moment. It makes us buy the cop-out of the mountain collapsing because we believe in Homer.
– It’s a little grim of Homer using a corpse as a toboggan, but we get the great dumb moment where Grampa’s false teeth pop out of his mouth and magically place themselves to where the bite mark is on McAllister that he bit on so many years ago.

(originally aired April 19, 1998)
Sensationalist youth-oriented news and a gross abuse of the animal assistance program are on the docket this week, two plots that aren’t the absolute strongest, but have enough gags to keep this episode an overall engaging outing. We start with the reappearance of Lindsay Naegle, who badgers Krusty into inserting educational content into his show, a ten-minute news program hosted by kids for kids. I remember around this time the FCC cracking down on networks to force them to broadcast children’s programming that had educational content, many of which found loopholes around it. I could bitch more about the asinine nature of this topic, but it’s neither here nor there for this episode. Many Springfield Elementary students are chosen to do the program, with Lisa ecstatic to be the head anchor. Unfortunately her spotlight is usurped by Bart, whose camera pleasing showboating is much better received than Lisa’s dry, straight-forward stories. He is made Lisa’s co-anchor, much to her annoyance.

The way the rest of the episode goes is a bit odd, where Bart overhears Lisa talking to Naegle about how she thinks he’s dumb. He’s pretty hurt by this comment, for some reason. Bart knows he’s not as smart as his sister, and moreover he doesn’t care, but here it’s enough to fuel him to want to one-up her. This leads us to an illuminating view of Kent Brockman, who Bart goes to visit for advice on doing impactful news broadcasts. Brockman teaches the boy about human interest stories that “tug at the heart and fog the mind.” Soon enough Bart is reporting about a sad old man whose ducks at the park have left him, and old war veterans stitching flags out of old clothes, cheap, manufactured pablum that are absolute crowd pleasers. All the reports are wonderfully smarmy, as is Bart’s new fake holier-than-thou attitude, which only drives Lisa even madder. Lisa gets revenge by sending Bart into the clutches of a homeless Willie, whose shack was destroyed by Bart’s earlier shenanigans, but she ends up saving her brother when she finds him truly in danger. It’s a pretty obvious ending after that, especially with the fake-out of the show being immediately cancelled after they agree to work together, but the Willie stuff was all set up earlier, and it’s an all well and good ending.

Running alongside the A-story, Homer finds out about animal assistants for those who are disabled, and works the system so he can get himself a cute little monkey named Mojo. The animal proves to be no help whatsoever, and it isn’t long before man and monkey have stuffed themselves into a lazy food coma in the middle of the TV room floor. I’m not entirely sure why I like this subplot so much, since it’s really pretty dumb. Homer’s not so much of a jerk here as he is a big kid, enthralled and fascinated by this new creature he’s got. Meanwhile, Marge is mortified at first, then eventually just fed up with the whole situation. When we cut back to them from the kids news story, it usually involves Marge burying her head in her hands wondering where her life went so wrong. I like it for what it is, small silly breaks from the main story with crazy animal antics and just enough Homer buffoonery and Marge distress that it doesn’t feel too sad. An engorged, enfeebled Mojo is abandoned back on the doorstep from whence it came, giving perhaps its final words: “Pray for Mojo.” Pray indeed.

Tidbits and Quotes
– Krusty is adamant against the network cutting into his show (“There’s a monologue, those idiot puppets, Krusty’s nap time, the second monologue, Paul Harvey, Senor Papino… I tell yah, it’s the tightest three hours and ten minutes on TV!”) Naegle informs him they’re cutting those ten minutes, to which Krusty ruminates, “Well, I guess we can trim the Hobo Parade to a lean twenty.” I would really love to see a full version of Krusty’s entire show.
– Willie is shocked to find his perfect pile of leaves destroyed (“Me pile! It’s been raped of its bonniness!”) Finding Bart to be the culprit, he confiscates his skateboard and holes himself in his shack. To drown out Bart’s pounding on his door, he turns on his old fashioned radio, then flips through three stations of virtually identical bagpipe music to the one he’s most satisfied with, then lays down to relax.
– Another horrible Simpsons product: Bubble-Crum, the gum with a cracker center (“It’s Crun-Chewy!”) But you know what? I’d love to try it.
– Homer goes to Animal Assistance (“As Felt in Braille Weekly”) to get himself a helper monkey. To get the animal, Homer uses his father as a front, who seems very appreciative, then he drives off with the monkey, abandoning him on the sidewalk. Abe is none the wiser (“I can’t wait to eat that monkey!”)
– Lisa starts the news program with a hard-hitting story: the library’s budget being slashed by 3%. First on the chopping block? Periodicals. Devastating.
– I like that after Naegle spouts out a bunch of nonsense words like ‘zing’ and ‘zork,’ she doesn’t follow Lisa’s simple turn of phrase (“Bart’s not exactly the brightest penny in the fountain.” “In English, Lisa?”)
– Great bit where Bart struggles to read a newspaper, not being able to get through three words (“Supreme Court Reverses…”) He loses his willpower and goes straight to the comics. First up is Archie (“Hey Jughead, did you hear? The Supreme Court reversed…”)
– I like the small bits where the two plots kind of collide: Bart asks his mother if she thinks he’s dumb, who at the moment is preoccupied with the literal monkey business in her house (“Honey, I’d love to reassure you, but right now Mommy needs a Tetanus shot.”) And the second act break with Mojo mimicking Lisa’s laughter is great too.
– All the schmaltzy reports are pretty fantastic, perfectly worded and executed. The one on Joe Banks and his beloved ducks is probably the best, ending with a shot of the poor old man panning down to the soggy bread crumbs on the water to “Where Have All the Flowers Gone?” Then we cut to Burns and Smithers watching it sitting in bean bags for some inexplicable reason, in the best scene of the whole show (“Smithers… you think maybe my power plant killed those ducks?” “There’s no ‘maybe’ about it, sir.” “…excellent.”
– Here we have the first appearance of the Crazy Cat Lady, who is actually pretty funny. Lisa attempts to do a sympathetic story on her, but she proceeds to chase her away throwing cats like a maniac. Then Lisa tries to report on a seemingly defunct train, which proceeds to pass right by upon broadcasting. It just keeps going and going and going and going, then we see the Cat Lady has followed Lisa and makes chase again. Somehow, for some reason, someone thought they should bring the character back many seasons later, and then she became a regular. I have no idea why, since there’s not really much there to work with.
– I like Bart and Lisa’s back-and-forth on the air following one of Bart’s schmaltzy segments (“I just think our veterans deserve a little recognition.” “That’s what Veteran’s Day is for, Bart.” “But is that really enough to honor our brave soldiers?” “They also have Memorial Day.” “Oh, Lisa, maybe you’re right, maybe you’re wrong! The important thing is, veterans deserve a day to honor them!” “They have two!” “Well maybe they should have three. I’m Bart Simpson.”)
– Homer and Mojo passed out on the floor, and Mojo’s pathetic little happy dance is so disconcerting and hilarious at the same time. Speaking of disconcerting, the great tail end of Milhouse’s broadcast (“So, by waking up a little early and having some extra sheets handy, no one’s the wiser. Tomorrow, ‘Destroying The Evidence.'”) And great callback when Bart broadcasts from the dump, commenting on the twisted metal and soiled mattresses. Cut to Milhouse, looking quite nervous.
– Ah, the Mattel and Mars Bar Quick Energy Choc-O-Bot Hour. A spot-on parody of rampant product synergy and commercials disguised as programming. But I would watch it. And now I want a Reese’s. Damn you, corporate America.

(originally aired April 5, 1998)
A big problem continues to present itself this season. At this point, the writers still know funny. Although not as hilarious as ones in the past, season 9 still has a very high quotient of laughs. What seems to be sorely lacking is a cohesive story that makes sense through the entire runtime. This episode is the shining example of this: great individual set pieces amidst an absolute mess of a story. We start out strong: Flanders wakes up midnight of the new year to hurry and get his taxes done, which is perfectly in character. Then, of course, flash to April 15th where the post office is mobbed with people desperately trying to get their returns sent in. Here we hear from some of our supporting players, from Captain McAllister sweetening his file with buried treasure to Otto believing the giant line was for Metallica tickets. All excellent. Then Homer realizes he never did his taxes and frantically scribbles on a bunch of pages to get it in on time. Not only do I not buy Marge would stand idly by while the large mound of taxes on the ‘To Do’ pile right on the TV room table never got done, but really, wouldn’t she just do the taxes herself? Instead, Homer’s poorly packaged tax return ends up smack dab in the ‘Severe Audit’ bin.

The IRS tracks down Homer, and to make up for his faux-pas, he agrees to be a government snitch, wearing a wire to catch suspects incriminate themselves on tape. His biggest assignment is to uncover a stolen trillion-dollar bill from Mr. Burns, who pocketed it himself rather than hand it over to good-for-nothing foreigners after World War II. At this point halfway through the episode, everything pretty much goes to hell. First, for some reason, Homer has qualms about betraying his boss, and I’m not sure why. Inside the mansion, Burns mistakes Homer as a columnist for a magazine and gives him a tour of his estate, showing him his most prized possessions. The last stop is the Hall of Patriots, a wing featuring animatronic displays of Burns’s ancestors, because it makes total sense for an ancient shut-in like Burns to have something like this. He openly shows the bill to Homer, and is promptly arrested. Then Burns goes on a tirade against government oppression, which I guess inspires Homer enough to knock the two agents out, grab Burns and take off. Then, so we have a joke to end the act on, he places one agent’s hand on the other’s ass, giggles and leaves. Well done, writers.

I just really don’t understand what’s with Burns in this episode. If anything, he should be all for the government, standing by a capitalist system that’s responsible to keeping him rich and on a higher platform than the little people. He was against the gross foreign aid after the war, but all the other points don’t really stick. Also, he seems weirdly dumb here, not recognizing Cuba, or realizing he’s flying the plane. He’s like wacky cartoon Burns, not the ruthless no-nonsense miser we know and love. Homer sticks around with Burns for some reason, and ultimately is responsible for losing the trillion dollar bill to Fidel Castro, leaving them and Smithers stranded on a raft out at sea. Between that we have a dead space showing a pretty laugh-free Cuba, and a look back state side as federal agents interrogate the rest of the Simpsons, where Marge for some reason believes the trillion dollars is theirs and Lisa says fuck college, let’s buy dune buggies. This episode had a strong start, then stumbled, crashed and burned in a calamity of bizarre characterization, stuff that made no sense, and an ending that wishes it was triumphant and hilarious, but is actually just irritating. A pretty disastrous outing.

Tidbits and Quotes
– We start out with a great New Year’s celebration… until the ball gets stuck (“Awww, will this horrible year never end?!”) Chief Wiggum shoots to dislodge it, ending up sending the ball crashing down, setting the roof of the town hall aflame, but no one seems to care. Everyone joyously sings “Auld Lang Syne,” including an incredibly inebriated Krusty.
– I love everything with Ned doing his taxes. He considers putting cash register ink as a business expense, but figures he can’t because he loves the smell of it. Todd asks his father what taxes pay for, and Ned is all too happy to answer (“Policemen, trees, sunshine! And lets not forget the folks who just don’t feel like working, God bless ’em!”) He stuffs his folder full of mints and jets it off to the post office. He passes Hibbert on the way out, who is too pleased to announce he’s mailing death certificates from holiday-related fatalities.
– On April 15th, the post office is mobbed. Chief Wiggum tries to calm down the crowd (“The harder you push, the faster we will all get outta here!”) The crowd shoves harder and Wiggum appears content with his work.
– Kent Brockman appears smug in announcing that some people had their accountants do their taxes months ago. We then see a frenzied man with papers in hand asking if anyone has a calculator. Brockman looks worried (“Myron?”)
– Pretty bizarre moment where Marge hangs the ship painting back on the wall (it’s revealed in this episode that she painted it) and muses about how she used to have a lot of talent. Bart and Lisa look at each other dumb-founded. It’s a pretty devastating moment. This was a syndication cut, and I saw this episode quite a bit in reruns, so it always largely sticks out to me whenever I rewatch this one.
– Homer makes a mad dash to the post office, running through a red light, causing two cars to crash. But the animation is so that it looks like one car literally flattens the other, presumably killing every person inside.
– Great bar talk where Moe posits a scenario: you pull a thorn out of the Pope’s butt and he grants you one wish, what is it? Lenny wonders what it would be like to wear something that’s ironed. Moe is impressed (“I was gonna say a night with Joey Heatherton, but an ironed shirt… damn, that’s tempting.”)
– I always liked Charlie. The poor guy just never reached the level of superstardom as Lenny or Carl. Here, he reveals a bit more of his secret life to Homer (“My militia has a secret plan to beat up all sorts of government officials! That’ll teach them to drag their feet on high definition TV!”) Then government agents come to take him away. We’ve never seen Charlie again. Actually, we probably had, but it’s more mysterious if I say we haven’t.
– I love Milhouse in the photo booth (“My… my shirt fell off.”) The secret film is also pretty good, speaking of Truman’s drunken boast, the bill itself featuring Truman doing the “OK” sign and a thumbs up, trusting America’s “wealthiest and therefore must trustworthy man” for the job, and “This film will self-destruct if not properly stored.”
– I kind of like how awkwardly Homer is allowed into the mansion. With the hounds button broken, Burns invites him in (“Perhaps there’s something I can scald you with.”) He puts water on the stove, saying it’ll be a few minutes. He then ends up splashing Homer prematurely, and goes off to get him a towel. This whole thing’s a little out of character for Burns, but I like how silly it is.
– I like that Burns is ultimately arrested for “grand, grand, grand, grand larceny.”
– Smithers seems so displeased for most of the third act. I especially love when Homer is concerned about leaving his family behind fleeing the country, Smithers coldly comments, “That can be shipped.”
– The scene with the agents at the Simpson home really irritates me: why would Marge assume the money is theirs? And the horrible Lisa line. It may seem like splitting hairs, but it’s like these characters aren’t themselves, they just needed a scene to show what they were doing and spout a few jokes. They’re accessories to the stupid story, not actual people.
– More dumb Homer jokes: putting the bill inside the vending machine, immediately gambling over international waters… yawn…
– I do like some of the Castro stuff (“But presidente, America tried to kill you!” “Ah, they’re not so bad. They even named a street after me in San Francisco. …it’s full of what?!”) His “Aye carumba!” is great, and I do like the timing of the ending, even though I’m not a fan of it overall (“Now, give it back.” “Give what back?”) Burns groans, then we cut to him, Homer, and Smithers stranded out on a raft.