(originally aired January 7, 2007)
Is six years too late to parody something as forgettable as The Perfect Storm? And do we even care to see it? Well, it doesn’t matter, ’cause here it is. This episode is kind of a big jumble of stuff leading to the back half with Homer out at sea, where we get “drama” and “tension” regarding whether he and the crew will survive. What do you fucking think? Things get rolling when we see old Bouvier home movies of young Marge at Barnacle Bay, a New England island of fun and fancy free. In a shocking display of unselfish generosity for once, Homer takes the whole family there, only to find the place is now a filthy, run-down shell of its former self. And so, with one step forward, we get twenty steps back as Homer vows to rebuild his wife’s childhood memories… by paying meth addicts to fix up a dilapidated carousel and forcing his children to manually power it from below the boardwalk. What a swell guy.

After accidentally setting fire to said boardwalk, Homer pays off his debt by assisting the local fishermen. Through painfully boring exposition, we find that the town used to rely on succulent “yum yum” fish, but they had driven them to near extinction. At least until dumbass Homer uses beer batter as bait and catches a whole slew of them. Then a storm hits. Then the ship sinks. Then everyone thinks they’re all dead. Then they show up and they’re not dead. Jesus. We as an audience know they’ll survive, but the characters should treat grave situations in a believable manner. “One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish” had everyone thinking Homer was going to die, and we believed it based on how people acted. Here, the ship is crawling up a humungous wave, and Homer, for no discernible reason, whips out a golf club, goes out on the bow and tees off. We also have li’l irritating activist Lisa shaming the locals for abusing their resources, and it ends with a big slap in the face as the town goes from overfishing to overlogging. So it’s not satisfying seeing Lisa act like such a pushy self-righteous know-it-all, but despite that, it’s also not satisfying seeing her ignored and her hopes diminished, because we still care about her, or at least who she used to be. So ultimately it’s an ending, and an episode, that satisfies no one. But of course, this is nothing new.

Tidbits and Quotes
– Seeing the Simpsons and Van Houtens fight at the outdoor movie event reminds me that a few episodes ago they showed Kirk at the Divorced Dad Picnic. I totally forgot that he and Luann had got back together. It seems the writers did too. I guess it’ll be like Barney’s sobriety, Kirk and Luann’s relationship will wax and wane depending on what joke they need. Fuck continuity.
– “While you’re watching this quiet riot, I’ll be slipping these religious pamphlets on your windshields!” Every time Flanders appears on screen, I dislike him more and more. These characters I once loved are now becoming the subject of hate. It’s really uncomfortable.
– The silent film goes on foreeeeevver, and none of it is funny. Then Patty and Selma show the home movies, which also feels wrong. They love their vacation slides, but they’re also very private people. Would they really be eager to screen their private moments to the entire town?
– “This is the most disgusting place we’ve ever gone!” “What about Brazil?” “After Brazil.” Some of the shots the show takes now kind of seem unnecessarily mean. They made the Brazil episode, basically painting the country as a complete shithole, people got upset because of the poor portrayal, and now this is the show’s response, “Well, fuck you, guys, your country is garbage.” When New Orleans got upset about the song in “A Streetcar Named Marge,” they had the chalkboard gag, “I Will Not Defame New Orleans.” It wasn’t the show falling to its knees and pathetically apologizing, but it was an amusing nod that this was all in good fun. Here, the attacks are just mean-spirited.
– We are at the point where nearly every scene contains something annoying. Homer eats the disgusting fish, including one of its sharp spikes. He’s seriously dumb enough to serve the crew bait, and to continue to think it’s Opposite Day. And the scene where he clubs the fish to death without batting an eye… it felt really sad. I mean, “Whacking Day,” this ain’t.
– “The Carnival of the Animals” is used so often in this show, and it is forever tainted because of it. Well, not really. I’ll always remember that piece of music, and this episode will fade into obscurity in my memory soon enough.

(originally aired December 17, 2006)
I feel like there was potential in this episode, a chance to develop a one-note secondary character, and an examination of Marge and how far she can be pushed until she hits a breaking point, but this is yet another time where the show’s penchant for being extremely exaggerated works against it. An act of kindness to Lisa by department store Santa Gil ends up getting him fired on Christmas Eve. Taking pity on him, Marge lets Gil stay for the night, then for the next day, and then for the entire next year. The second act is in two stages: first, the “conflict” is set up with the most transparent dialogue possible. Marge explains how she can’t say no to people, and later while Homer is complaining about Gil at the bar, Carl comes out of nowhere with this statement (“Well, you can’t kick him out, because then Marge will never learn to assert herself.”) Thanks, Carl, that sounded completely natural for you to say. After that, it’s just fast-forwarding through the year as Gil becomes more and more of a burden and a mooch, Homer scowls and Marge does nothing. Yawn.

This plot is insane. An entire year goes by and Marge can’t tell Gil to leave? And moreover, Homer doesn’t buckle and force him out himself? Or when Marge sees how her kids are being affected, with Gil stealing their lunches, she doesn’t step up then? If this had been over a month, and we really see her struggle, okay, sure, but once again, when it’s an entire year, it feels exaggerated to such an absurd level I can’t take it seriously. When Marge finally works up the gumption to kick Gil out, it turns out he’s already gone. Not only that, he apparently became a real estate kingpin in Scottsdale overnight. How did this happen? And how did Marge not notice him leave? I guess she was raking those leaves for a long time. Wanting to get her big “no” out, the now insane Marge drives to Scottsdale and tells Gil off at work, causing him to get fired. It’s a really sour ending. Gil took advantage of the Simpsons, but in a blind-sighted, naive way. Marge was a complete doormat against the constant insistence by her husband, then completely blew Gil’s happy ending for her own selfish reasons. It’s hard to really feel for anyone by the end of this, which is kind of rough for a Christmas episode.

Tidbits and Quotes
– We have a completely redone winter-themed version of the opening, which is nice, I guess. We’re but a stone’s throw away from the new HD opening, but more on that when we get there. The only curious thing is that they reanimated everything except for Bart writing on the chalkboard. That old 90s cel animated asset really clashes with the digitally colored stuff surrounding it. If they redid everything else, why not that small part?
– I think this is the title I hate the most. Sure, all these episodes have lame parody titles, but they always at least make some sense. “Moe’N’a Lisa”? Well, it’s about Moe and Lisa. “Ice Cream of Margie”? Well, Homer’s got his ice cream truck and that ties in with the Marge story, so sure. But this one, “Kill Gil”? Yeah, Marge is annoyed with Gil, but the title just makes no sense. And try and say the whole thing out loud: Kill Gil, Volumes 1 & 2. Just rolls off the tongue, doesn’t it?
– Krusty’s Kristmas on Ice: Adults $40/Children $39. Literally the exact same joke from the Halloween show concerning Krusty’s museum.
– It’s gotten to the point where I can predict jokes before they happen. Marge wants to leave when a fight breaks out on the ice? Homer’s going to be in that fight. Then we cut to Costington’s and we see Mayor Quimby. It’s going to be an infidelity gag. Then Burns and Smithers walk by, and Burns gets four words out before I figure out the next forty second scene. The characters have all become so painfully sanitized and one-note, what’s the point in watching this show if you can easily call them on their gags?
– It is pretty sweet when Gil gets Lisa her toy and refuses to take it back at the risk of his job. That’s the thing, he’s a nice guy, but inadvertently takes advantage, I feel they could have really made a great story out of this. Instead, they pushed it too far into ridiculous territory and I can’t go along with it.
– Nice exchange between Marge and Homer on MLK Jr. Day (“We have to let him stay! It’s what Dr. King would want us to do!” “Oh, that’s it, we’re changing doctors!”)
– I get the joke they were going for with Marge recalling her memory, but it’s something only we see and not Homer, leaving him confused… but it just doesn’t work.
– It’s so, so stupid, but the Grumple that keeps showing up everywhere amused me. Homer knocks him out at the bar and starts bleeding green blood (“What the hell is this thing?!”)
– Would Marge be such a wet blanket that she wouldn’t tell Gil to quiet down when he’s playing piano and singing with a bunch of drunks on St. Patrick’s Day night? I guess so. Also, apparently the leprechaun from “Treehouse of Horror XII” is real in this universe, somehow.
– So, in the end, the Simpsons bought a house in Scottsdale… why? Gil just got fired, it’s not helping him out. Oh, whatever.

(originally aired December 10, 2006)
We had sad, pathetic Moe two episodes ago, and now we have sad, pathetic Nelson. What’s with wussifying all these characters? It’s the idea that the big mean school bully is just scared, vulnerable and wants to be loved, but that’s such a trite concept that the episode does nothing to build upon. Nelson invites everyone to his birthday party, and only Bart arrives, having been forced to go, and also the one who riled everyone else up to ditch him. He soon feels bad, as Nelson is apparently a pitiful, lonely loser, and the two become friends. I’ve mentioned this previously, but a big thing lost in these new episodes is subtlety. Making Nelson more than just a threat on the playground is fine, as we’ve seen softer sides to him before with his infatuation with Andy Williams and huckleberries. But here, Nelson’s this cloying, co-dependent basket case. It’s such a wild shift, and none of it was particularly entertaining. It’s sort of like a character study, but I wasn’t buying into it.

Bart discovers being friends with Nelson gives him amnesty from the other bullies, which warms him up to his new acquaintance. But Nelson becomes insanely jealous when he finds Bart hanging out with Milhouse, and Bart gets understandably shaken up about it. The two have a final confrontation on a field trip, where feelings are expressed (“There you go again, you act all nice and then you go crazy!” “Well, maybe I get jealous, but it’s just because… I’ve never had a best friend before.”) Awww, how sweet. Gag. Everything feels so artificial and phony though, since this turn with Nelson had no real build-up to it. Why didn’t the other bullies show up to Nelson’s party? And doesn’t he consider them his friends? If they had showed Nelson is like the pariah in the bully social circle and that they don’t really care about him, I would buy into that, since he hangs around with them all the time. Why didn’t they do anything like that? An annoyingly empty episode.

Tidbits and Quotes
– The B-plot involves Homer’s bedtime story time to Lisa, reading “Angelica Button,” which the shrewd viewer will notice slightly resembles Harry Potter. And by slightly, I mean it’s this show’s version of “parody,” which is just copy the thing and change the nouns. It’s also this bizarre thing where they’ve talked about Harry Potter on the show, and had J.K. Rowling guest star, and yet this knock-off series exists, just like we have Star Wars and Cosmic Wars. Also, Homer cries over a signed photo of Graystache, which for some reason looks like the fantasy version we see when he tells the story, which exactly like him. It’s all a bunch of nonsense. The conclusion with Lisa preferring Homer’s made-up ending to spare her feelings is kind of sweet, and I really like the line, “Time to do what I do best: lie to a child!,” but that’s about it.
– Bart and Lisa walking in on their parents having sex kind of bothers me. It’s happened in the past, but as a quick joke: spurring baby Bart’s first words, or working into a story, like in the montage of Homer and Marge’s struggling sex life, but here, much effort is made by them to shoo the kids away so they can have morning coitus, then they see it, and we see Bart visibly traumatized. It’s kind of disturbing to me, then they follow it up with Milhouse mentioning he’s walked in on his dad masturbating. Or perhaps something much more filthy. I’d rather not extrapolate.
– “Individually, we are weak, like a single twig, but as a bundle, we form a mighty faggot!” Yeah guys, “faggot” is an actual word outside a gay slur. But lots of people don’t know that. So how can we make this joke? Show the dictionary definition on the screen. Because as I always say, explaining the joke always makes things funnier.
– Nelson escorts Bart to the good life, walking through the back of the cafeteria to VIP seating a la the long camera shot from Goodfellas. At least it’s a “parody” that integrates into the story, but it’s still kind of weird. When did Nelson become kingpin of the school? And also, more poor cel-shaded CG with the hallways.
– The well-established poor Nelson apparently has a digital camera that he took pictures of Bart and Milhouse with. Okay.
– At the start of act three, Bart fears for his life from Nelson at the kitchen table. Then Grampa appears (“Bully problem, eh!”) He’s just there standing in the kitchen, and due to a slight animation mistake, when the camera pulls out to reveal him, he slides forward a bit into position. And what a perfect visual representation of this trope. Characters appearing in scenes for no reason, just sliding into frame and then sliding out once they’ve done their stupid gag. Also, we’ve come such a long way since “Bart the General.” Both episodes involved Grampa advising Bart about Nelson the bully. Old Grampa was full of piss and vinegar. New Grampa is a pussy (“You know what they say: all bullies are cowards. It’s not true! They’re brave ’cause they’re strong!”)
– We end on a Brokeback Mountain reference at the end where Bart hugs the jacket Nelson gave him, which just feels kind of weird given these are ten-year-olds. He’s really tenderly clutching that thing and stroking it… like what the fuck am I watching?

(originally aired November 26, 2006)
Homer gets a new job, Marge tries to make something of herself, Homer fucks that thing up, and Marge inexplicably forgives him at the end… my lord, hasn’t this ground been covered enough? How many times are these two going to be at odds with each other? Or rather, Marge at odds with Homer, and him begging and whining for forgiveness. Through reasons that are dumb and pointless, Homer becomes an ice cream truck driver, because I guess they make a good enough salary to support a five-person family. Meanwhile Marge is depressed that she hasn’t done anything with her life, so what’s going to be her inspiration? The discarded Popsicle sticks from her husband, which she uses to make statues of her family and the townspeople. How boring. Remember her Ringo Starr paintings, how he acted as her teenage muse? What does she care about Drederick Tatum or the Capital City Goofball enough to make statues of them? It’s a different shade of it, but this is more of the “everybody knows everybody” motif of later years.

So how does Homer fuck things up? He guns it in his truck to make it to Marge’s big art show on the Simpson front lawn, but ends up out of control and smashes through every single sculpture, effectively destroying what must have been hundreds of hours of hard work. At least he was acting mindlessly reckless for a good cause… right? It’s hard to spy any sort of silver lining with this shit. Half of act three is Homer standing outside Marge’s door, asking her to forgive him, going through the usual bullshit. It’s just waiting for the rudimentary beats and how they’re going to be slightly different. Usually it’s Homer doing something stupid that Marge thinks is sweet and taking him back. But this time, he doesn’t have to do anything at all. Marge erects a humungous Popsicle stick tribute to her husband (“My sweet perfectly imperfect you!”) How sweet. Maybe a little bit. Not really. I guess this isn’t as aggressively awful as other episodes of this ilk, but it’s every bit as pointless. Like honestly, who cares about anything happening in these episodes?

Tidbits and Quotes
– Marge scolds Bart for wasting food (“You should be ashamed! Your father works very hard to put lobsters on our table!”) There’s a lot of fluctuation in terms of characters attitudes and beliefs about things, and one seems to be Marge’s view on her husband. Most episodes she’s well aware of what a lazy jackass he is, but then there are moments like this where she seems unbelievably naive. Here, her line is just a set-up to a lame bit of Homer goofing off in the break room playing some elaborate game with the guys. Then Homer imagines Mr. Burns is an ice cream cone and licks him in a disturbing scene. Then Burns chastises the others for not having enough team spirit… what?
– “Remember that crappy ice cream truck I bought?” “How could we forget? Mom says now we can’t afford to go to the orthodontist.” Remember when Homer’s top priority was to take care of his family? Now tricking out his ice cream truck is more important than his children’s health.
– All that the Homer getting dressed sequence tells me is that the writers have seen Da Ali G Show. I just don’t understand how this is a parody, they’re just repeating, beat for beat, the intro to the show. Sure there are added jokes, like him needing two belts and his pants ripping, but they have nothing to do with commenting on the source material, and nothing to do with the episode itself. It’s as worthless as a Family Guy cut-away “gag.”
– Last episode Homer used his fairy voice to mock Moe for being a poet. Here, he mocks a passed out lactose intolerant kid after he forced him to eat ice cream (“Oooh, you wear a bracelet! Who’s your boyfriend?”) Oh boy, more light homophobia!
– More pathetic Moe as he weeps at the sight of his wooden doppelgänger (“Tell me all your little wooden dreams! You’re not alone anymore, no you ain’t!”) I just don’t find this funny.
– “Honey, I brought you more sticks! This is the most fun I’ve ever had giving you wood!” Groan. I bet this joke came up very early in the writing of this show, and somehow it managed to stay in.
– The Rich Texan is so boring and predictable. How many jokes can you make involving him shooting his guns in the air? It’s like Nelson’s “Haw-haw!” or any other character’s schtick, it grew stale years ago, but the show has managed to milk the same tired gags for over twenty years rather than come up with something new.
– The only thing I laughed at was Homer the ice cream man’s money pot: a divorced dad’s visitation picnic (“Attention, losers! This is your chance to buy your children some frozen love!” “I’m not gonna fall for such a cheap stunt!” “Mom would!” “Hey! Give me one of everything!”)
– Marge calls Homer out on his selfishness and storms inside the house. Then Homer yells, “Well excuse me for having enormous flaws that I don’t work on!” At some point, you can only be self-conscious of your overused tropes for so long before putting them to pasture. The writers acknowledge what a gigantic dickhead Homer has become, and yet they feel the best thing they can do is comment on it and everything will be fine. Homer effectively destroys a month’s worth of his wife’s hard work, and screams at her, “I’m aware I have horrible behavioral problems that put you and our children at risk, but I refuse to do anything to better myself!” What a lovable guy.
– Oh wait, one other point where I laughed (“Homer, I wanted to show the world how I feel about you!” “The world’s not that interested!”) A shocking display of Homer actually being humble, considering how pompous and self-important he’s become these days.
– The episode opens with Marge criticizing Bart for wasting food, and ends with her mentioning she threw out what must have been thousands of gallons of ice cream to make her big sculpture. Well, it actually ends with a bizarro vision of the future where iPods rule the Earth. What the fuck…

(originally aired November 19, 2006)
I hate sad, pathetic Moe. I really do. I don’t mind character development, and in this case, I’ve liked seeing a more sentimental shade of Moe, like in “Moe Baby Blues.” But making him such a sad sack completely takes the wind out of the surly bartender I used to know. The beginning is so painful to watch, with Homer having forgotten about his big birthday fishing trip with Moe. We see Moe eagerly give him a call, then wait outside his house all day for him, sat with his head in his lap crying. Who is this pitiful, needy loser and what has he done with Moe? He pens an angry “fuck-you” poem about his dashed hopes and dreams to Homer, which Lisa gets a hold of and thinks is a great piece of writing. Needing to do a report on a fascinating local resident, she picks Moe, believing he has the potential to be a great writer. Discovering he’s been writing his thoughts in scrap form all over his wall, Lisa arranges them into poetry, giving Moe a newfound sense of meaning.

With Lisa’s help, Moe is invited to a prestigious literary conference in Vermont, along with Tom Wolfe, Gore Vidal, and other writers who are introduced by name and list their credits before then saying their joke. When Moe hints that he may have had assistance coming up with a title for his poem, the writers react in complete shock, so to cover, he takes all the credit for himself. This makes Lisa sad, as she remains through the whole last act as Moe acts abjectly cruel to her. It doesn’t help when the main source of conflict comes from a gag. So are the writers incredibly pompous and refuse to take any advice or input on their work? Or are they all just insecure and lying? Who cares. What’s with these Lisa episodes involving her being fucked over and moping? She’s repeatedly beat down and ignored, even by her own family. Then at the end, Moe gives an ode to Lisa, crediting her, and all is forgiven. So Lisa helps and supports a guy, he screws her over and acts horribly to her, then after one paltry act of kindness, all is completely forgiven? She’s a Simpson woman, alright.

Tidbits and Quotes
– We have a flashback to Abe at the Olympics killing a would-be Hitler assassin, a few episodes back we had him posing as a woman baseball player during the war… why are these flashbacks so unfunny? They’re just as absurd as when he posed as a German cabaret singer, but “Das is nicht eine boobie!” is an infinitely funnier line than “What is this? Kill Hitler Day?”
– The Willie as Grim Reaper bit is so incredibly cheap, but I like Grampa’s cry, “You’ll never take me alive, Grim Reaper!” And when they play the national anthem, him yelling, “Turn that hippie crap off!”
– This is another one of those times I wonder why Marge is putting up with Homer’s nonsense. They spend the whole day huddled down with the lights out to avoid having to confront Moe, why doesn’t she just tell her husband to be a fucking man and apologize to him? Instead we get a “hysterical” scene where Bart and Homer fight like crabs.
– Moe the sensitive poet? I just don’t buy this plot at all. I get seeing Moe being more vulnerable, but in terms of his soul, it’s pretty dark. If Moe’s doing anything “creative,” it’s writing filthy letters to actresses, or filming the mail lady shoving things through his slot.
– The American Poetry Perspectives is run by J. Jonah Jameson. Or, what I’m sure the writers will insist, a J. Jonah Jameson-type, who looks, acts, and sounds exactly like him. Now, let’s talk about using other people’s characters. We had Larry Burns, who basically was a character from a Rodney Dangerfield movie. He was voiced by him, talked like him, he kinda looked like him, he basically was Rodney. But it makes sense in the story; who better to clash with the stingy, uptight Burns than a loafing, devil-may-care party animal? Here, it’s just, “We need to show an executive approving Moe’s poem.” “I really like J.K. Simmons in Spider-Man. Let’s just do that, even though it makes no sense. And to trick people into thinking we’re not complete hacks, let’s get Simmons to do the voice.” “Boy, this is a lot easier than coming up with original content!”
– “1876 was the price I paid for gas once. I thought of Burr from an Eskimo Pie package.” “I can’t believe it!” “Those sound like terrible jokes!” YOU CAN’T COVER SHITTY WRITING BY COMMENTING THAT IT’S SHITTY.
– All the guest stars in this show must be introduced by name, and we’re told some books they’ve written, because ninety percent of the people watching don’t know who they are. Every line of theirs just feels like an inside joke. Who is this catering to?
– The family is having a grand old time about Vermont, and they invite Lisa to come along. Lisa, clearly devastated, comments, “You guys go ahead, I don’t think I’d be very good company.” Then they just leave. I can buy Homer being that dense, but what about Marge?
– “I need a brilliant new poem for the festival farewell dinner, so if you can turn these into one of those, and then don’t say nothing while I take all the credit, I’d really appreciate it. Though I’d never admit that. And look, I got you started.” (Written by Moe and Moe Alone) “Moe, you’re a heartless jerk!” “Woah! Where did that come from? …oh right, my actions.” One of the greatest casualties in this era of the show: subtly.
– For some reason, Michael Chabon and Jonathan Frazen fighting reminds me of when Siskel and Ebert threw down on The Critic, except that was actually funny and entertaining, and this is attempting to be both, and failing spectacularly. (“You fight like Ann Rice!” Sick burn!)