(originally aired April 27, 2008)
Some commenters have suggested that it seems like the writers come up with the stupid episode title “parodies” first, and then write the actual episode tenuously based on said title. In this case, I honestly believe the inception of this episode was, “Bart says, ‘Don’t have a cow, man,’ so why don’t we give him a cow! Man!” So they did, and then cobbled together a bunch of stuff that can barely be considered a plot. Upon seeing Martin driving a cool harvester, Bart joins the 4-H club to drive one too, and ends up getting invested in doing farm work. Real exciting. He’s tasked with raising a calf to full health, and his reward in the end is seeing his full-grown bovine be first in line for the slaughter. This episode has shades of “Lisa the Vegetarian” in it, where Bart grows remorseful for this creature he’s eaten dozens of before, but he shakes off any dietary qualms he may have in one infuriating scene with li’l preachy Lisa. It’s also akin to “Bart the Mother,” where Bart is in namby-pamby wimp mode, moping about the cow and its plight. It’s yet another example of how the writers seem to have no idea how to write Bart anymore.

Bart rescues the cow and offers it safety at Cletus’s farm, in the care of one of his daughters Mary, also a 4-H member. Unbeknownst to him, giving a young lady a cow is considering a marriage proposal to hillbilly folk, so to keep his cow safe, Bart must go along with this marriage, which neither he nor Mary want to go through with. Could he not explain the situation to Cletus? Nah, forget that. Plus, the marriage is in no way legally binding considering how young they are, so I’m not quite sure what the stakes are here. It’s all just a stupid farce that I could care less about. Then we cap things off with the cow being sent off to India thanks to Apu, and a high-larious sequence of Homer trying to escape the slaughterhouse factory floor. This episode is just completely empty. Empty of any believable character actions, clever jokes or commentary, interesting stories… it’s just a big, big vacuum of nothing. But it’s no different than most of the episodes nowadays.

Tidbits and Quotes
– Trans-Clown-o-Morphs has nothing on the Mattel and Mars Bar Quick Energy Chocobot Hour
– Bart drives over a pile of manure with his harvester, and it spits out DVDs of Pirates of the Caribbean 3. Zing! I’ll say once more, this show has lost its right to decry someone else’s quality. They’re probably just bitter that it made more money over the summer of 2007 than their movie did.
– Zooey Deschanel voices Mary, who I can commend for actually giving an honest performance with a Southern accent, and also because she’s Zooey and she’s adorable. Of course now they’ve brought her character back since she’s under the FOX umbrella with New Girl. Mary was once Cletus’s hick daughter, but now she’s a trendy New York musician! Or something! Whatever, who cares, fuck you!
– Bart hears animals moaning in pain in his sleep, but what he believes to be his conscious is actually just from a stereo Lisa planted under his bed to make him feel bad. Remember the end of “Lisa the Vegetarian” when Lisa learns that she shouldn’t browbeat or vilify others for having different beliefs? Well fuck that, now she’s a loud and proud vegetarian, and wants everyone else to be too! This scene made me want to rip my face off.
– The only bit of the episode I liked is when Homer and Marge do a little sock puppet show to get Maggie to eat her spinach. It has nothing to do with the story, but it’s a nice little scene. When Lisa runs in so the plot can continue, Homer’s sock does a spit take. That sentence totally makes sense.
– I feel like we haven’t seen Apu in a long time. But in the one scene he’s in, he’s nothing more than a prop. Once the plane takes off, he just disappears when Marge calls Homer.
– Why the fuck didn’t Homer get out of that cow costume the second he was put on the conveyor belt? There are countless opportunities he could have escaped on his own, the entire ending is just fucking stupid.

(originally aired April 13, 2008)
In a feeble attempt to try and tie themselves back the classic era, the show in later years featured the re-appearance of many classic guest stars: Rabbi Krustofski, Artie Ziff, Mona Simpson (with her third outing in a few episodes), and now, Lurleen Lumpkin. This episode stands in stark contrast with “Colonel Homer,” and does all it can to tear down any emotional resonance from that show and replace it with incomprehensible nonsense. We start with Quimby announcing the town is broke after discovering the town vault is completely empty, something he must have known about. At a town hall meeting, Lisa walks in announcing she’s gone through the town financial records, as an eight-year-old would do, and proposes a solution: reign in on everyone’s owed back taxes. Everyone agrees, but the only person they can’t track down is Lurleen Lumpkin, who has been missing for years. She hides out with the Simpsons, just ’cause, then they reunite her with her deadbeat father, just ’cause, who then steals her new song and sells it to the Dixie Chicks, just ’cause. I can’t even write out plot points anymore without them seeming like jokes.

There’s so much I can tear this episode down for (and I will!), but here’s what absolutely kills it for me. Lurleen mentions she’s been married thrice before, showing off photos of various men who all resemble Homer. Then at the end of the episode, we see a boorish Homer-like roadie Lurleen’s shacked up with, who gruffly asks her for beer money. So the gag here is that she’s attracted to men like Homer, except here, it’s retconned. She fell for Homer because he was kind and helpful, and selfless for helping her with her career, a real sweetheart. But modern-day Homer is none of those things: he’s a selfish, self-absorbed asshole. So all of Lurleen’s newly discovered failed relationships reflect this. Plus, her long lost father apparently destroyed her faith in men, which I guess is what drove her to be with these dickheads in the first place, which now includes the current incarnation of Homer. It might seem like I’m over-extrapolating off of small jokes, but this episode’s full of stuff like this, and it all adds up. These episodes where they dig up the past really bother me. It’s like throwing an old friend into a lion’s den and seeing how badly they get mauled.

Tidbits and Quotes
– This episode opens with one of the most distasteful things the show’s ever done. We see Abe driving Homer at night when their car is cut off the road (by Patty and Selma, who are quite happy with this) and tumbles down a cliff. Abe is seriously injured, and informs his son he’ll need to take care of him during recovery. Instead of call for help, Homer proceeds to smother his own father to death. And of course it was all a dream, a wonderful dream that Homer bemoans waking up from. I think this is a Sopranos parody, right? But parody or not, this is terrible. There’s a bit from one of the Family Guys I had the misfortune of watching where Peter has an elaborate dream sequence when Lois is talking to him of killing and burying her, but this scene is handled in such a dramatic and intense way, followed by Homer’s satisfaction of it that it seems so much worse. Why should I sympathize or relate to Homer one bit after something as horrible as this?
– At the town hall meeting, Homer suggests the town fake a natural disaster and have FEMA fit the bill for helping them rebuild. This episode aired only a year or so after Hurricane Katrina. Does this seem… kind of terrible to anyone? Am I being too sensitive?
– Things turn sour immediately after Lurleen is reintroduced on TV, where Bart summarizes the back story of her trying to seduce and screw his father. Why the hell would he know that?
– Beverly D’Angelo certainly sounds fifteen years past “Colonel Homer,” but in this episode she’s still 34, even though in-show they talk about how she’s been missing for years. Whatever. I still prefer when Doris Grau voiced her for one immortal line: “I spent last night in a ditch.”
– Homer speculates twice in this show about how he could get away with ditching his family. I’m just getting pummeled this episode with Homer hatred. Why would he want to run away from his family? He loves them… doesn’t he?
– So Lurleen’s got a deadbeat daddy she hasn’t seen in forever. When we see him, what’s written on his shirt? “No Child Support.” Little on the nose, huh? Then when they’re reunited, for some reason both of them start living with the Simpsons. That motherfucker has a house, we saw it, why doesn’t Lurleen go live with him?
– During Lurleen’s song, we run through things that run with “patri-otter,” including Lisa saying she’s reading Harry Potter. In the last episode, we had “Angelica Button.” Writers, you need to pick one and stick with it, please.
– Lurleen’s father makes off with his daughter’s song, and over an unspecified amount of time, he contacts the Dixie Chicks, pitches them the song, they like it, they fly him out to wherever, edit the song, record it, release it, and it becomes a big hit. How did all this happen? Who the fuck knows. And it’s funny because they’re singing an ultra-patriotic song and praising FOX News following controversial comments they made… five years ago. The lyrics suck, but melodically the song, and them performing it, is the only good thing in the episode.
– When Colonel Homer stepped up, followed by “Major Marge,” …uggh. Fucking terrible. Terrible.

(originally aired March 30, 2008)
Another stupid episode with two stupid stories: one an absurd over-exaggerated repeat of a theme we’ve seen before, and another that’s just… stupid. Marge is inspired to take up ballet by a commercial for a new dance academy, having done so in her youth. Despite having not done it in decades, she seems to be quite good, until she gets one cramp and her instructor tells her to get lost. Lisa chews him out, and he notices that she, for some reason, is standing feet out with perfect posture, and accepts her into his program. So Lisa’s a dancer now for some reason… haven’t we seen this before? But the bigger story is Marge living vicariously through her daughter, which we’ve seen before in “Bart Star.” As coach, Homer pushed Bart hard and showers him with praise, wanting him to be the star athlete who has his father’s support that he never had (“You shouldn’t pressure Bart like that.” “Well, if you know a better way for me to live through your son, then I’d like to hear it.”) It was done very believably and subtly. But now, we get dialogue like this (“The important thing is someday I’ll be watching my little Marge dancing at Lincoln Center.” “Lisa, Mom. I’m Lisa.” “Of course, you’re Lisa. Lisa the dancing Marge girl.”) Has she gone insane?

So in the academy, Lisa finds that the other dancers get their grace and slim frames from smoking, and she discovers that inhaling second hand smoke benefits her as well. So I guess this is sort of like their very special episode about smoking, but since Lisa’s only eight, and the writers love to write the kids older, this was their way of getting around it. It doesn’t even matter, since in the end, it all devolves into a gigantic farce. Speaking of, the B-story involves Homer’s homemade stockpile of jerky getting ransacked by a couple of raccoons, and his efforts to capture them, all with “hilarious” results. He only calls off his attack when he sees their little raccoon family, and look! They all look like the Simpson family! And if you didn’t get it, Homer names each one! And we see the little Homer raccoon strangle the Bart raccoon! This is shit I’d expect from a Saturday morning cartoon, not the fucking Simpsons. The two plots “cross” when Homer lets one of the raccoons loose to steal the dancers’s cigarettes, causing them all to completely lose their shit after intermission. It’s insane and weird, Lisa quits ballet, and the episode’s over. Yet another stinker.

Tidbits and Quotes
– The episode begins with the Simpsons attending the midnight release of the final Harry Potter... sorry, “Angelica Button” book. When was the last Potter book released? Oh yeah, two years ago prior to this episode. Each family member gets a book, Lisa skims through the entire thing on the car ride home reading out the main plot beats, finishes, and they all throw their books out the window. Then they go watch TV. Totally in-character for Lisa to do.
– I like Hank Azaria’s voice for the dance instructor. He’s kind of funny. I guess.
– A disturbing bit where Marge mentions she fell out of ballet when her breasts off-set her balance, because they came in one at a time.
– More compare and contrast: in “Last Tap Dance in Springfield,” Lisa wants to give up dancing. In this episode, Homer wants to pull Lisa from the class because of the second hand smoke thing. In “Tap,” Homer and Marge lavish Lisa with praise and happiness over their “little Broadway baby.” It’s laid on a bit thick, but feels very real, two parents who are just in awe of their little girl’s supposed talent. In this episode, Marge is a crazy person, making a gigantic ballerina cake and acting like without her daughter fulfilling her dream, she’d just up and die. She’s just way, way, way too into it.
– The ending is just batshit insane. Without cigarettes, the dancers go a little nutty. And by nutty, I mean fucking bonkers. One tries to smoke her finger. One suckles on a No Smoking cigarette sign painted on the wall. One smokes a program. One rips hair from her head to smoke that. They hadn’t smoked for about an hour, and they’re doing this. But that’s the joke, right? The problem here, and it’s a consistent problem with the show now, is their penchant for over-exaggeration. It just becomes too much, it becomes too absurd to be funny, and makes the show feel less real to me.
– I did like the dance instructor’s dramatic exit, continuing all the way down the block and onto the bus. That’s about the only thing in this episode I liked though. Then it ends with Homer forcing Bart to train to be a luchador for some reason.

(originally aired March 9, 2008)
I thought an episode revolving around a now completely forgotten character would be kind of interesting… but nope. It’s a thin, ultimately boring premise that gets its air time cut in half to service a bizarre and disturbing B-story. Bart pulls a prank on Martin in the woods that gets him accidentally thrown over the railing of a steep cliff, plummeting to his supposed death. Fearing her flawless reputation, Lisa demands that Bart hush up about it, but his conscious slowly begins to eat away at him. I kind of like this role reversal, though it’s played a bit extreme with both parties, but I’m willing to buy it. What I don’t buy is Nelson inexplicably playing Columbo and trying to piece together what really happened. He just literally is Columbo, complete with “oh, there’s just one other thing…” I don’t quite understand how that fits with his character. By the end, we find out that of course Martin’s alive, having survived the fall in the most preposterous way possible. Also for a whole episode about the fallout of his death, we never see his parents once. And why did it take him so long to get home? Oh, whatever.

The other story involves Marge contacting the TV show Cheaters... I mean, “Sneakers” to follow Homer around to see if he’s cheating… on his new diet. The gag is Homer’s sneakiness in covertly devouring fatty foods behind Marge’s back is analogous to him having an affair, and it’s basically that joke through the whole episode. That and the “Sneakers” creator reveling of breaking up families (“There, there… no, I mean, cry to the camera over there… there.”) This all leads up to one of the most disgusting things to ever appear on the show: Homer taking a rack of lamb to a motel room to furiously devour as if he were fucking it. He rolls around the bed with it, slams it against the wall, then disrobes and chows down on it nude in the shower. I mean, he might as well be fucking it. It’s absolutely nauseating, and pushes this already strained joke way too far. Also this stupid plot really undermines any seriousness the grade-schooler’s-potential-death A-story had. In the end, Marge confronts Homer, and gets mad at the “Sneakers” guy for trying to push them apart. Okay, but that doesn’t excuse Homer from continuing to be a fat fuck, since the beginning of the episode involved Marge being concerned about his health when he couldn’t even muster the energy to have sex. “I’d rather have a chubby hubby than a sexy ex-ie!” Ugh.

Tidbits and Quotes
– The montage of Homer eating all those bell peppers means nothing in the end, since the episode is about him not sticking to his diet. So he’s basically gorging himself twice as much, I guess. Then he taunts Marge to her face when she can’t find proof of his transgressions. Again, what a likable guy.
– We barely see Martin anymore, but it seems that all the gags with him as of late involve him saying offensive or giggle-worthy words in an academic context (“a mighty faggot,” “it could be one of the major homos!”) and being naive in regards of its other meaning. We had Wang Computers in the past, but Martin used to be a much richer character. Then again, so did every other character. Sigh.
– Wiggum reports and seemingly confirms Martin’s death, then suggests he give the tattered remains of the boy’s shirt to his son (“Chief, that’s evidence.” “I know. But after it’s evidence, it’s a shirt again.”) Everyone is just so damn callous about this ten-year-old boy’s death. His funeral at school involves kids in bleachers holding up cards showing a gravestone, then of Martin’s head with Xs for eyes, and Skinner reads out many of Martin’s humiliating nicknames and the bullies yuck it up. This is even more tasteless than Maude Flanders’s funeral. And again, where are Martin’s parents? This episode could care less. The best part of the episode is the clip montage where we see short Martin bits from “Treehouse of Horror III” and “Three Men and a Comic Book,” since then I was able to remember great moments from those episodes.
– As if the whole lamb thing wasn’t disgusting enough, act two ends with Homer calling it on the phone as if it’s his lover. We see the lamb rack sprawled on a bed in a bedroom, as the answering machine goes off next to a photo of Homer. Where is this? What’s going on?
– A truly lame fake-out where Bart appears to almost hang himself (“You said you wanted to end it all!” “By which I meant bring Martin’s butterfly project to completion!”) Totally makes sense.
– I like Martin quoting Mark Twain’s “Rumors of my death have been greatly exaggerated.” It felt very Martin of him to say.

(originally aired March 2, 2008)
I have not seen The Departed. It’s one of those movies that’s been on my watch list forever. Apparently this is a parody of that movie, which I shrewdly figured out by decoding the title, so I can’t really comment on its connection to the film. As an episode, it feels like yet another bland outing. Springfield Elementary gets a new cool kid, Donny, who Bart is initially jealous of. But when he inexplicably takes the rap for one of Bart’s pranks, Bart ingratiates him into his gang of schemers. But unbeknownst to him, Donny is actually working for Skinner and Chalmers, who want to take Bart down. I know the basic premise of The Departed, so this all seems to line up, but what doesn’t work here is its new setting at the school. The stakes are set super high at the start when Skinner mentions the highest punishment they can levy against Bart is a ten-day suspension. Bart would love that, so why should I care about the premise? Then at the end they say they’re sending Bart to a juvenile center, so I guess they forgot they had that power. Except they don’t.

This story doesn’t seem to translate well from the source material. Skinner and Chalmers want to bust Bart for all of his shenanigans. Fair enough. What’s the plan? Host a casting call and adopt a tough-looking orphan to go to school, gain Bart’s trust, have him sabotage his schemes until Bart gets fed up and tries to pull off a humungous prank, then bust him. This is insane. Who’s this Donny kid? How did they adopt him? Does he live with them? What will become of him now? Oh, who cares. Donny is voiced by Topher Grace, who is very believable as a ten-year-old and doesn’t sound like an adult man coming out of a child’s body. Ultimately, this episode suffers the same fate of “The President Wore Pearls,” where the show tries to adapt source material with young kids and makes it too absurd. Skinner and Chalmers are stuck in bizarre villain mode with this overcomplicated plan for something so stupid and insignificant. It’s just kind of hard to suspend one’s disbelief regarding the plot, especially when they throw in jokes that undermine said plot even further. Bart discovers there’s a rat in his operation, but who could it be? “My best friend, my other best friend, or a kid I just met?” He ends up targeting Milhouse. Bart’s pretty street smart, but when we need him to be, he’s a big dummy. Another worthless episode to the pile.

Tidbits and Quotes
– Marge accidentally rear-ends Hans Moleman’s car. The airbag goes off and Moleman is smothered, passing out, seemingly dying. It’s like the writers know that Moleman inexplicably getting killed was a funny joke in the past, but don’t realize that the gag here is more disturbing than amusing.
– Homer laughing at the auto shop guys about giving him a new rental car is unbearable. What a fucking asshole. Oh yeah, that’s a subplot. When his car is being fixed, Homer gets comfortable driving his fancy rental car, but when the repairs are done, he doesn’t give the new car back. Instead of going after him, the auto shop just puts Homer’s old car up for sale. The plot ends when Homer drives by and is horrified that rednecks are going to buy the car to shoot it full of holes, and then seemingly sexually violate it. He panics, hops in the car and drives off. Awful.
– The explanation at the end that Skinner and Chalmers adopted Donny is infuriating enough, but now the fact that Skinner explains his plan to Donny at the start of act two makes no sense because of it. He should know the plan already, shouldn’t he?
– During the prank montage, Bart gets his ass stuck to the copy machine and seemingly can’t move. Pan over to Skinner laughing holding a glue bottle. Then we cut to a close-up of said bottle so we can see it says “GLUE.” Is that in case people didn’t realize what it was? What the fuck else could it have been?
– Lunchlady Doris has another speaking part, again by Tress MacNeille. Here, they don’t even bother having her sound like Doris Grau. It’s doubly insulting.
– I looked up that The Departed ends with a rat appearing on screen, as does this episode, where Ralph pops up to comment, “The rat symbolizes obviousness!” Is this garbage show really trying to jab at an Oscar-winning Scorsese film?