Original airdate: April 18, 2021

The premise: Lisa becomes so obsessed with sardonic British pop artist Quilloughby that she personifies him as her imaginary friend, becoming even more of a judgy snob. Also Homer gets a truck, I guess.

The reaction: I’m still not sure if the writers realize how unlikable they’ve made Lisa in recent years. She might have had a slightly big head on her in the early years, but nowadays, her pretentiousness and condescending attitude really makes her come off badly, and this is basically an episode all about that. After rejecting every suggested track off of “Slapify” (“Let’s see if your algorithm can predict my tastes?” she chuckles), she finally lands on the morose artist Quilloughby, a British singer and vegan activist who hasn’t been seen in public for years. Inspired by his music, Lisa gets the school cafeteria to serve mushroom tacos (how she did this is unexplained), but is shocked that Lunchlady Doris added bacon into it. “Everyone at my school is a jerk! Why are they so mean?” she cries. Then she starts to see Quilloughby, who becomes her closest confidant, as they proceed to bond over their snarky displeasure in literally everything and everyone. It’s clear they’re having Lisa go through some teen angst (at age 8), and she’s supposed to be taking things too far and realizes that in the end, but her attitude isn’t grounded in anything as the audience can get behind, so she ends up coming off more annoying than sympathetic. The story culminates in Lisa going to an outdoor music festival where the real Quilloughby is appearing for the first time in decades. While there, her Quilloughby begins to get on her nerves with his never-ending negativity. Real Quilloughby takes the stage, now an out-of-shape middle-aged failure of a has-been who has renounced his veganism and antagonizes the crowd by spewing out bigotry. Ultimately the lesson, intoned by imaginary Quilloughby, is for Lisa to be more open-minded and not sneer at others with differing opinions. It’s almost like an admission by the writers at what they’ve turned Lisa into over the years, that she’s so stubborn and myopic in her worldview that she’s basically on her way to being an irrationally angry misanthrope. The comparison also feels shaky given that real Quilloughby is screaming about how migrants should die, whereas Lisa is just against eating meat. In the end, it’s yet another episode I don’t see the point in. There was no inciting incident to make Lisa feel so pissed, and her epiphany was basically all internal, but not at all interesting in the slightest, since it’s all painfully spelled out through dialogue, per usual. They try to put a sweet bow on things with Lisa and Marge having a nice reconciliation, but so much of this episode is intensely sour that it feels pointless.

Three items of note:
– I was very confused by the episode title, and now I see it’s a reference to a Smiths song “Panic,” as in “Panic on the streets of London.” I guess that’s a well-known song, right? Quilloughby is seemingly based on Morrissey, who I’m not very familiar with, but it’s just strange since the majority of the episode titles are extremely obvious “parodies,” and this one sticks out as being less obvious than usual.
– The episode opens with Dr. Hibbert advising Homer about his health, in his first major appearance since Kevin Michael Richardson took over the character starting in “Wad Goals.” He ends up feeling like the weakest replacement voice yet to me only because Richardson’s voice is so familiar, being very ubiquitous in the TV animation landscape. He’s doing his best to do a Hibbert imitation, but the timber of his voice is just so completely different than Harry Shearer’s that it doesn’t feel right. But ultimately, none of the new voices will sound “right” because they’re different actors, so it’s inevitably going to be an adjustment. I really don’t want to talk about this new voices stuff anymore, but sometimes I have so little to talk about with specific episodes I just end up covering old ground. At this point, all the POC characters have been covered, with one glaring exception: Apu. Whether he gets a full episode reintroduction, a sneaky reappearance in one scene, or is just gone for good remains to be seen.
– Homer buys a truck after Hibbert tells him his testosterone levels are slightly low. This isn’t so much a B-plot as just some random stuff happening alongside the main story. Marge ends up exploding at Homer because he’s being so annoying about being a trucker guy (another heavy exercise on Julie Kavner’s vocal chords that made me feel sad.) The ending involves a riot at the music festival Lisa is at, and Homer’s truck finally coming in handy as he goes into all-terrain mode to save Lisa, but that turned out to just be him dreaming asleep at the wheel and Marge found Lisa and brought her back to the truck and she was fine. Whatever. I got bored even just writing that sentence.

7. Lisa Gets An “A”

• Great, seemingly ad-libbed bit of ADR by Hank Azaria as Moe in the crowd bolting out of church (“Lemme out of here! That guy never stops talking!”)
• Homer buying a cheap baby lobster to raise it to maturity “and eat the profits” feels like a very in-character move, his way of beating the system or something. His growing relationship with Pinchy always feels very innocent and childish, which I will most definitely take over him being a raging Jerkass like most of this era. It all serves as a very sweet, silly B-plot that doesn’t try to outshine the simple and straightforward main Lisa story.
• I was a Nintendo kid growing up, so I never played Crash Bandicoot as a kid. Last year, I bought the remastered trilogy on sale just to see what all the fuss was about, and man, are they bad games. The gussied-up graphics made the aged mechanics and aggravating gameplay stand out even more.
• How in the hell does Homer’s driver’s license say he’s 140 pounds? Even in high school I’d have trouble believing he was that weight, let alone as an adult.
• Nelson’s cheating business housed in the boy’s bathroom is a great scene, with his filing cabinet inside the toilet tank, his employee of the month placard on the stall door, and his insistence that his products are merely study aids for novelty purposes only (“If a few bad apples use them for cheating, I can’t be held responsible.”) 
• I don’t know how explicit the show had made Miss Hoover’s alcoholism at this point, but her spilling multiple types of booze on her kids’ test papers definitely locks it in.
• I really like how Skinner and Chalmers are both on the same page regarding keeping the grant money and encouraging Lisa to not come clean. Their relationship would devolve into a caricature of what they once were, but it’s nice to actually see them working together for a common goal. Even small stuff like Chalmers excitedly asking Skinner about the new scoreboard is lovely to see.
• This episode is forever deified by giving us “Super Nintendo Chalmers.” I’m also fond of “I’m learn-ding!” which I use more often than I care to admit.
• Dynamite cameo by the Sea Captain and his toughen-up boarding school for lobsters, capped off with him pathetically asking Homer and Marge for some spare change.
• The ending where everyone tricks Lisa with the fake grant presentation is perfect in concept, that Skinner and company would go through all that trouble to deceive a little girl just for a $250,000 check that they immediately cash at a liquor store. It does feel a little too over-the-top, with Otto’s incredibly realistic mask and vocal performance as the fake Comptroller. Maybe if they had created a new character, like an aide to Chalmers or somebody to pose as the fake Comptroller that Lisa wouldn’t know, but then the audience would have known so it might spoil the reveal… I don’t know what the solution would be, but it’s alright, that doesn’t really sour the ending too much.
• Simpsons Archive retro review: “The Simpsons seems to be slowly deteriorating into ‘The Wacky Homer Simpson and family show.’ Even in an episode based around Lisa, it’s still ‘look at Homer. Look at what he’s doing. See what he’s gotten into now.’  Terrible subplot and terrible ending. I want Ian Maxtone-Graham fired tomorrow!”
  

8. Homer Simpson in “Kidney Trouble”

• Abe slowly approaching the stalled Simpson car singing “Happy Birthday” as the suspenseful music builds is a pretty great scene. 
• The ghost town is basically where the only laughs of the episode are, and there are some admittedly pretty great gags, with the tour guide rambling off about the rich town history of prostitution, Marge eagerly taking pictures of the floorboards, and the scrambling actors during the re-enactment, with one digging a hole for no reason. The animatronic dancing girls were good too, but the other robot bits drag on a bit too long.
• The idea of exploding kidneys is fine for a crazy one-off gag, but I just can’t go along with it as the crux for an entire episode. It just feels dumber and dumber every time I see this episode.
• So yeah, Homer is 100% responsible for Abe being near death, and is basically a humongous asshole for most of the rest of the episode. For doing the decent thing in giving his father a kidney, the family heaps praise and rewards onto him (“Nothing’s too good for a wonderful, generous man like you!” Lisa coos.) But the whole family was in the car when Abe’s organs burst, they know what happened (we see they were asleep for the last leg of the trip, but Marge directly tells Homer it was all his fault, so they must all know.) But I guess that doesn’t matter, since Homer’s such a great fucking guy, isn’t he? 
• It really is just so terrible watching Homer run off like a coward leaving his father to die, let alone for him to do it again at the end. I feel like the only way this could have worked if the episode were about Homer’s latent hatred of his father and how awful he was to him growing up, and that feeling coming out of him through an unconscious desire to see him die… wow, that’s actually much darker than I thought it was, maybe that wouldn’t be so funny. 
• Homer’s new life at sea and the ship of lost souls is so boring, and just plain strange, like I have no idea what any of it is supposed to mean. Homer is wallowing in shame and is ostensibly at his lowest point of loathing, but we still get jokes about him expecting to be captain or first mate when boarding a new ship, so he’s still an arrogant dick even then.
• “Aren’t you going to give him the last rites?” “That’s Catholic, Marge. You might as well ask me to do a voodoo dance.”
• Homer getting crushed by the car felt like appropriate karmic retribution for his shitty behavior that episode, but I don’t know if the intention of a show is to have your viewer hate the protagonist. For our ending, Homer is absolutely furious Abe got his kidney, vows to get it back, then ends up slobbering over the idea of stealing Bart’s kidney. Just lovely. I ended up listening to a few scattered bits of the audio commentary, and they were just laughing uproariously at both times Homer abandoned Abe, him getting thrown off the ship of lost souls and him getting crushed by the car. I’m glad they had a better time watching this than me, I guess.
• Simpsons Archive retro review: “IMHO, one of the best episodes in recent memory, being a good mixture of humor and seriousness. The scenes at the ghost town were extremely funny, and had me ROFL more than once (history being filthy, flying animatronic robot pieces, taking pictures of boards, etc.). The rest of the plot, although not as well done as this, kept up a good pace. The only really glaring bit was that Homer reverted at times to some of his less savory characteristics). Still, overall an above-average effort.”

9. Mayored to the Mob

• The Bi-Mon-Sci-Fi-Con feels like a watered down version of the convention from “Three Men and a Comic Book.” I really like Comic Book Guy’s anti-meet-cute (“Comb the Sweet-Tarts out of your beard and you’re on.” “Don’t try to change me, baby,”) but that’s about it. Also, Jonathan Harris (Lost in Space’s Dr. Smith) tries to pick up Bart for some reason? What’s that about?
• I can believe that Springfield could have gotten 1998-era Mark Hamill to appear at the con. This is still a year before Phantom Menace, with Star Wars not quite reaching its newest height of popularity yet. At this point, Hamill was becoming a well-established and talented voice actor (also voicing bodyguard teacher Leavelle in this episode), but it’s great that he’s totally game to play himself humiliated by being typecast as Luke, having to perform shitty local dinner theater or get inundated by a mob of nerds (I’m sure he took great pleasure in reading, “Back off, you freaking dweebs!”)
• Why exactly are Lenny, Carl and Willie so adamant about getting to perform a scene with Mark Hamill? I don’t see any of them having a strong love of Star Wars. Between this, Krusty and Mel at the celebrity compound and the very few girl characters the series has being positioned as Lisa’s friends in “Lard of the Dance,” the series is slowly phasing out all generic townspeople in favor of our regular twenty or thirty Springfield regulars, populating them in crowd scenes regardless of logical reason for them being there. At the bodyguard school, Gil and Kirk are there for some reason, but also a handful of random faces, which I was surprised to see at this point.
• Homer becomes Quimby’s bodyguard because he pointed at him and said he could be it, and that’s about the extent of it. They wanted to write a Homer the Bodyguard episode, but no one bothered to write an actual reason he’d want the stupid job in the first place.
• Mark Hamill gives a funny performance as Leavelle, even if that whole section really could have been a lot shorter.
• Homer once again annoys the shit out of everyone with his new job, taking it a step further by applying a sleeper hold and knocking his children unconscious (twice!) Do they not realize how this makes him look like a big asshole? I once again switched to the commentary for those sections, and once again everyone there was hooting and hollering as Homer incapacitates his children and wife for no reason. Bleh.
• I love the design of the Genuine Animal Milk carton, with Fat Tony holding a farming pitchfork.
  
• The break for act two is so damn stupid with Quimby flying off his treadmill out the open window. Why the hell would he have his treadmill faced away from the window? And the window’s open so he can feel the open air on his back, I guess? It’s just transparent bait to convince the dimmest viewers that Homer might have killed the Mayor, when of course he fucking didn’t.
• After Fat Tony issues his threat against the Mayor, Homer tries to send Bart off to start his car in case it was boobytrapped. What a likable protagonist!
• I love Quimby not even being able to muster a false enthusiasm about wanting to stay home with the… wife. The best stuff in this episode is all Quimby-based, with his excitement over catcalling and the openness of his bribery (“In the future, I would prefer a nondescript briefcase to the sack with a dollar sign on it.”)
• Ah, the first appearance of the Yes Guy. I remember thinking he was funny here, just because it’s a silly voice, but he would proceed to be driven into the ground over the coming years. I know lots of Springfield regulars are based on famous celebrities and characters, but this guy is literally just Frank Nelson in yellow skin. And I don’t even know who that is.
• Just as we get no real beginning of the story, with Homer just being Quimby’s only bodyguard for no reason, we end on Fat Tony just beating Quimby with a baseball bat in public with no repercussions whatsoever. Mark Hamill has to tell Homer that Quimby is doing okay and that he was a great bodyguard, two things that make no sense that he would know or for him to say. These stories are just getting flimsier and flimsier.
• Simpsons Archive retro review: “The best Homer episode in a very long time and one of the best all round from the last three years. For once Homer was not portrayed totally stupid or as a total a**hole.”

10. Viva Ned Flanders

• The conversation at the beginning with Marge, Lisa and Homer talking about why they would have moved Burns Casino with the rest of the town, and Homer’s “perfectly logical explanation” gets cut off feels like the first instance of the show making fun of its terrible writing specifically to piss fans off. I could give two shits about continuity, but I care about stories actually making sense, and this is the first sign that the writers would rather hide behind a joke to excuse their bad writing. In this scene, I like the demolition man’s confused “Implosion?!” but I feel like the building should have immediately exploded then, instead of him continuing, “But I thought you said…”
• “Once again, tithing is ten percent off the top. That’s gross income, not net. Please, people, don’t force us to audit.”
• Ned being revealed to be 60 feels like a real stretch (how old does that make Maude?) and I hate that it’s revealed by Homer holding court in church for some reason, but the story of Ned feeling like he’s wasted his life being too safe has some potential to it. I just wish it were done in a different season. The first scene of act two where he attempts to rebel by growing out his mustache, much to his wife’s amusement, is very sweet, but then Ned catches Homer out his window barbecuing on the fucking roof and the episode plunges into the toilet.
• “Lost Our Lisa” featured Homer’s new mission statement about being an insane risk-taker, and this episode took that ball and tore off with it. Homer is now Captain Wacky, relishing in getting into misadventures, much to Ned’s admiration for some reason (“Never a dull moment, huh, Homer?” “You got that right!”) The entirety of act two is just scene after scene of Ned asking why Homer is so cool and him saying something fucking stupid. It’s all just so terrible.
• Homer has Ned sign a bunch of forms for “The Homer Simpson program,” but what the fuck is written on them? Apparently he wants power of attorney, but I doubt Homer even knows what that is. And for what? What the fuck is all this?
• The only joke I like in the back half of the episode is the casino rep manipulating Ned from the ceiling camera (“Keep gaming. It means, keep gambling.”)
• I’m sure I already bitched about Homer and Ned’s Vegas wives and how them already being married means their new marriages aren’t legally binding, so there should be no goddamn conflict at all. Besides that, it’s just so incredibly uncreative. Given the writing prompt of someone waking up after blacking out in Vegas, I’m sure the very first idea would be that they got married. If you’re a good writer, you’d move on from that trite idea, but if you’re in the writer’s room of one of the biggest shows on TV, I guess it’s good enough to run with and leave for lunch early.
• In lieu of writing an ending, Homer and Ned run around Vegas for an incredibly long time and then have to walk home through the desert as Homer fantasizes about Ned getting gang-probed. I never want to watch this episode ever again.
• Simpsons Archive retro review: “This was a simply outrageous episode! It was reminiscent of the fabulously hilarious episodes of classic Simpsons. Some of the best material came from the signs and ancillary gags. I know I haven’t given OFF extremely good grades this season, but this one is totally deserving of an A+!”

11. Wild Barts Can’t Be Broken

• The Cyndi Lauper cameo at the beginning is completely disposable; the only “joke” is her singing the National Anthem to one of her own songs… funny? There have been pointless celebrity cameos in the past few seasons, but this one feels especially egregious, and weirdly prescient for the tidal wave of guest appearances to come, where a celebrity will show up out of nowhere for barely a minute of screen time, do their one tepid jokes and then leave. At this point, there must have been a master list of celebrities who had either expressed interest in doing the show or somebody on staff had connections with to possibly book, and during the Mike Scully era, they must have just ran through that whole fucking thing and plugged famous names into scripts wherever they could.
• Waiting in the car for the Isotopes game to end, Homer sings a crude playground version of “Whistle While You Work,” but the two scenes are cut so tight and spread so far apart that you can’t really even tell what he’s singing (“Hitler is a jerk! Mussolini…” “…it doesn’t work!”) The joke lyrics are, “Whistle while you work, Hitler is a jerk,Mussolini bit his weenie, not it doesn’t work.” I only know about it from an old “Life in Hell” comic strip that featured a lot of those childhood joke lyrics, but if you didn’t know that, what would you be able to make of four seconds of Homer in his car singing about Hitler and Mussolini?
• “They lost.” “But only by two points, and they didn’t resort to stealing bases like the other team, so it’s kind of a moral victory.”
• “Homer’s Night Out” is definitely the highlight of the episode, it’s so perfectly executed in the sepia tone style, and I especially love the abrupt way it ends with the quick cut to the end card and slam down on the piano.
  
• It makes sense enough for Wiggum to snap to judgement on persecuting the kids of Springfield, and for the other adults to go along with it, and we get a fair amount of good lines out of him for it (“Let this be a lesson to you! Kids never learn!”)
• The promo for “The Bloodening” is perfect, beefing up the true terror of the film that “even the new management of Sony Tristar could not contain the pure evil of.” It’s a great blend of the promotion of old cheesy horror movies of the 70s (claiming a registered nurse will be on site for every screening “trained in the treatment of terror,”) as well as gimmicky shit that still gets done today, like with the original Paranormal Activity, where there was a big marketing push to get audiences to demand this film too shocking for a wide release get played in their town, despite it being a major Paramount movie.
• I like that the kids take inspiration from “The Bloodening,” but the film goes on for way too long, as does almost everything in the back half of the episode. It feels like they could have burned through it in half the time and it would have been fine.
• “Let’s put it on the Internet! No, we have to reach people whose opinions actually matter!” You think the writers are salty about online criticism yet?
• The whole town gathers to discuss the kids’ pirate broadcast, but I guess they just leave their kids home unattended during that time? They know it’s kids doing it, why are they not keeping a vigilant eye on them? It’d be one thing if that were the joke, but it’s not.
• The “Kids/Adults” song is… okay. It’s not great, but I don’t really hate it. It feels like a sliding scale from season 8’s “We Put the Spring in Springfield” to season 9’s “The Garbageman Can” to this. Everything is steadily getting worse, and the show’s once great songs are no exception.
• Simpsons Archive retro review: “You know, I was ready to give this a high grade for the first 20 minutes….then it all came crashing down. WHY, WHY, WHY must they SING? The Simpsons has *never* pulled off a successful Broadway-style musical number, and I don’t understand why they keep insisting that they do such. So many parts of this episode I really enjoyed too; the voice acting was a treat to listen to. Harry Shearer’s always accurate impersonation of baseball announcer Vin Scully blows my mind. Unfortunately, the third act with the cliched, overdone, tiresome town-Mayor-mob scene-turned-Broadway-musical was utterly deplorable and turns what had potential to be a good episode into just another Simpsons later-season mediocrity.”

12. Sunday, Cruddy Sunday

• It’s baffling to me how this episode has four writers on it, two of whom are the Scully brothers. How did this happen?
• The post office is an absolute dud of a set piece. Also, Skinner’s “I’m just glad I work at an elementary school” is an incredibly tasteless throwaway line. To be “fair,” this aired a few months before the Columbine shooting, and now over twenty years later, it’s far grosser considering pre-pandemic it felt like we had a new school shooting every few weeks. But even extreme subject matter like that can be satirical in the right context (South Park’s “Dead Kids” comes to mind, highlighting the horrifying numbness a lot of people have to the ever-repeating tragedies.)
• Wally Kogan is an absolute flatline of a character. No fault of Fred Willard (RIP), but there’s nothing really funny or interesting about him. He’s just this nice guy who befriends Homer and is his ticket to get to the big game. I guess his only quirk is that he’s as big a gullible sap as Homer, since he got swindled by fake cracker tickets, but it’s not even a thing beyond that one joke. In short, he sucks.
• I never understood the scene where Homer, Wally and Moe put the beer mugs in front of their mouths to obscure the football team names until much, much later, and it’s really such an insider joke about looping replacement dialogue over existing footage that it just comes off as bizarre and not funny.
• For the final time, have I mentioned I love Dankmus? This forty seconds is a hundred times better than the entire episode.
• “Sea Captain, Bumblebee Man, Comic Book Guy, the Squeaky-Voiced Teen …” “Yeah, it’s a good group.” The absolute waste of so many characters comprised in Homer’s Super Bowl mob is so baffling. Ignoring that many of them would have no real interest in seeing the game, they’re all largely there just to fill up space and scream, outside of one or two token moments, like Wiggum determining which jail cell bar is “fake” and some other forgettable joke I don’t recall. If all these unique personalities being boiled down to just be part of a hooting and hollering, football-crazed mob was the point, then mission accomplished, I guess.
• The stupid egg painting subplot… well, it fills valuable airtime, alright. Also, why did Marge let Homer take Bart with him? Oh, who cares.
• The guest star line-up is substantial (in number, of course, not in actual substance), but two particularly stick in my craw. Dolly Parton feels like the perfect template for shitty stunt casting appearances, announcing herself by name and showing up to be admired rather than ridiculed, saving the day with her superpowered makeup that burns through steel (?!?) Second, Rupert Murdoch shows up, crediting himself as “billionaire tyrant,” to magically generate bodyguards to seize Homer and company so he can relax in his skybox and continue earning millions. By comparison, Murdoch’s last appearance in “Sideshow Bob’s Last Gleaming” (voiced by Dan Castellaneta) had him locked away in a cell where he most likely belongs. Barely three years prior, the show was still biting the hand that feeds, now they’re inviting that hand in on the joke. 
• There’s really no point in trying to make sense of any of this. When we get to the end and everyone ends up in the winning team locker room and they go home with Super Bowl rings… like, what the fuck is any of this?
• “What a way to treat the loyal fans who put up with so much nonsense from this franchise.” Maybe you guys should try and make your scripts better instead of directly highlighting how bad they are.
• Simpsons Archive retro review: “This ep was so funny I find it impossible to see it not being liked, up until the very last part, with Madden (the most annoying person alive) and Summerall and Jodi Price driving the bus, it was on my 10 favorite list ever. The post office beginning was great, the body-shop scene was great, the Super Bowl was great. It even had an excellent, albeit minor subplot.”

Original airdate: April 11, 2021

The premise: Mr. Burns’ latest impulse desire to be beloved leads to the creation of a new plant-based burger joint, which wins the hearts of the whole town, even the most discriminating Lisa. However, Burns’ burgers turn out to be not what they appear to be.

The reaction: Usually we have to wait a few seasons between these awful “Burns wants to be loved” episodes, but lucky us, we got two of them in one year! And man, does this make “Undercover Burns” look a lot better. I’m sure I mentioned it back then, but these premises are complete non-starters for me. You’re going to need to give me some real incentive to convince me that Burns gives even one iota of a fuck what the common folk think of him, but per usual, he just pathetically mewls after realizing people were ready to celebrate his death. The real Burns would order death squads outside his hospital room to dispose of the riffraff, but here, he literally tries to pull the plug on himself in defeat. In response, Smithers offers him one last shot at a redeemed legacy: inspired by Burns’ newfound love of Krusty Burgers, he has Professor Frink engineer the most delicious meat-free burger ever conceived, leading Burns to start the X-Cell-Ent burger shop. The entire town is won over by this, more than willing to overlook all the horrible shit Burns has done by opening a restaurant (a newspaper headline literally reads, “Lifetime of Evil Completely Forgotten.”) Even Lisa seems way too eager to embrace Burns immediately, hugging him after her first bite of the new burger, along with the other Simpsons. So Burns got what he wanted, but it doesn’t actually matter. The episode can’t decide whether Burns wants the affection of others or not. He orders Smithers to dispose of the throngs of well wishers outside of his house (with rubber bullets if necessary), then the very next scene, he sighs, “It’s so wonderful being liked!” He’s finally allowed access to the Beloved Billionaires Club, with Warren Buffett and Bill Gates (really fucking debatable how “likable” they are), but not Mark Zuckerberg, who gets a limp dick takedown scene, made even more pathetic since they graciously allowed him to a guest voice ten years ago.

We’re halfway through the episode now and I still don’t know what the plot is or where it’s going. Inevitably, Burns’ burgers will have some nefarious secret and he’ll be brought down for it, but he had no involvement in this plan at all, it was basically all Smithers’ doing. So when Lisa discovers that the plants being used for the burgers are all endangered, I don’t even know if Burns knew about it or not. Hell, why doesn’t she go ask her good friend Professor Frink who was hired to make the burger in the first place? Never mind, he appeared once to give Burns the burger and then disappeared. Lisa confronts Burns about it, randomly showing up at the Beloved Billionaires Club, and later beating Burns back to his mansion (by teleporting, I guess), but Burns doesn’t seem to give a shit or even know what she’s talking about. Then the episode becomes about Homer being the one to expose Burns. Earlier in the episode, he appeared in a commercial for the restaurant, but then the episode continued with no mention of it. Homer has a nightmare co-mingling with other fast food mascots, fearing he’s sold his soul, but I never got the impression Homer was the face of X-Cell-Ent. It felt like he was barely in the episode at all. When we get to the end and Homer struggles with admitting the truth and breaking his NDA, it feels like it means nothing, because it does. Burns snaps back to reveling in his evilness, and nothing of value was gained. This oddly feels like the worst episode of the season solely due to the “not-giving-a-shit” level of the writing being so high. It was like the ghost of a “Burns tries to be good” story with no real plot progression or character motivation, with those replaced by stale material about vegan food (it tastes bad!) As for Burns, literally the only jokes they can do with him anymore are joke about how frail and old he is. Him salivating over a Krusty Burger grossly dehydrates his whole face. He apparently only weighs 14 pounds. Ingesting one bubble of champagne causes him to float to the ceiling of his office like a parade balloon. I’d say kill the poor old man off already, but these characters have all be shambling corpses for about two decades now, so what’s the point?

Three items of note:
– In the absence of an actual plot, there’s vague hints at different subplots. Krusty finds it difficult to compete with Burns, finding Krusty Burger in dire straits, much to Bart’s dismay (“Oh, jeez, my hero’s a loser!”) Putting aside the fact that Krusty’s empire isn’t entirely based on his shitty fast food chain, this plot tease is just that: a tease. Krusty reappears at the very end at Burns’ press conference fiasco to celebrate his good fortune (“I won by doing nothing!”) Meanwhile, Marge accidentally purchases stock in X-Cell-Ent, and upon getting a good return on investment, she becomes obsessed with monitoring the stock. She’s a compulsive gambler, but I guess she’s just playing one stock? Lisa reacts in horror at her mother being a shareholder, but it doesn’t really matter, it’s all just time killing in an episode that could care less about weaving an actual story.
– Reference time! Right before we see Bart, Lisa and Milhouse biking to Burns’ processing plant, we see the Stranger Things kids ride by, being unknowingly pursued by a biking Demagorgon, as a Stranger Thing-esque music motif plays. Later on, we hold on a shot of Bart biking as three empty bikes roll by him followed by Demagorgon riding by, clearly having eaten the kids. It’s the most shameless insert-reference-here I’ve seen in a long time, made even more egregious that they literally did an entire Treehouse of Horror segment about Stranger Things last season. Also, at Burns’ plant, we see not-Anton Chigurh from No Country For Old Men with his bolt stunner “murdering” plants with it. This character appeared way back in an episode from 2009, which at least was within the window of relevancy of that movie being out. I feel like he popped up again at some point too, but here, it’s just so baffling, a random appearance of a character from a 14-year-old movie. It’s no different than a shitty Family Guy gag.
– The episode gets its mileage out of depicting Simpson-ized versions of fast food mascots, first in randomly displaying portraits of Burns dressed as Colonel Sanders, Wendy and so on in his office at the start of act two, then later the mascots appearing in Homer’s mascot. A crooning Mac Tonight serves as the narrator of the story (sort of), a long-dead mascot whose only claim to fame now is being co-opted by the online alt-right to the point that the Anti-Defamation League has “Moon Man” classified as a hate symbol. I guess that’s another issue with having a crew of 55-and-older legacy writers: not only are the references dated, but they might also have adapted all-new meaning in new mediums you’re not aware of.

1. Lard of the Dance

• I like the detail that Krusty is chomping a fat cigar on his own speak-and-say toy.
• Why exactly didn’t Homer eat all the bacon himself rather than give it to the dog? Also, he tells Bart it’s time to give the mutt “another squeezin’,” which I don’t know how else to interpret but the two of them wringing the dog’s vomit and/or shit out of him so he can eat more.
• So, this episode strongly feels like a spiritual sequel to “Lisa’s Rival” with incredibly similar A and B stories. I remember back in “Rival,” Homer’s ridiculous sugar business felt like an early dry run for his wackier Scully-era schemes, saved only by some great quotes and moments. Homer’s grease plan is equally inane here, with an even greater spotlight shone on how fruitless it is as a business, and what feels like much more screen time devoted to it than Homer’s B-story in “Rival.” Also, Homer pulls Bart out of school right away and Marge apparently has no problem with it? The running gag of Bart actually missing school I guess is supposed to be ridiculous, but it ended up ringing kind of sad by the end (“So, this is your school?” “It used to be.”) I’m also not a fan of any time Bart acts more like Homer’s sidekick than his son, which will happen quite a bit going forward.
• I really like how Alex is always portrayed as kind to Lisa, but that kindness almost makes Lisa feel worse about herself being left behind. Alex saying she can use the earrings she bought her for her dolls is meant as a light joke, but it just unintentionally digs the knife of insecurity into Lisa more. I really like the majority of the A-story, and Alex, while maybe being a little too caricatured, is a pretty solid character.
• Hilarious read from Homer of “My God, you’re greasy…”
• Tremendous sign gag that took me dozens of watches to get: Donner’s Party Supplies (Winter Sale Madness!)
• As if Homer’s wacky B-plot and Marge’s absence as the voice-of-reason weren’t enough, we get a scene where she directly encourages Homer’s bullshit (“My poor Homey. Couldn’t you try some other far-out money-making scheme?”) It’s kind of strange, as up to this point, there haven’t been a whole lot of these kinds of stories, so this feels less like lampshade hanging and more like a terrifying new affirmation of who Homer is now. Pair this with his dumbass risk-taking speech at the end of “Lost Our Lisa” and you get Jerkass Homer.
• I love Nelson’s TED talk about huckleberries, and his stumbling cover when Skinner walks by (“Uh, so anyway, I kicked the guy’s ass!”)
• Late into season 10, we get Milhouse’s immortal line, “Everything’s coming up Milhouse,” but I think “There’s plenty of Milhouse to go around!” is much funnier.
• I like Marge’s feeble attempt to try and cheer Lisa up, knowing in her heart that her advice is flimsy at best (“Mom, you can’t possibly believe that.” “I have to, honey.”)
• I really love the animation of the lights cascading over Lisa’s face as she sits there annoyed. The sound design is so great too, with the hot music starting and stopping abruptly with the extra loud slam of the door.
  
• The Homer pain parade starts in full force by the end, with him getting his face stuck in the suction tube and being pummeled in the face and strangled by Willie, on top of that weird bulging eye thing. I guess these extended scenes of violence made the writers crack up, but I don’t get it. Homer getting hurt either has to be really quick, or if it’s extended, it needs some other added layer to it. It can’t just be, hey, let’s watch this guy in pain for thirty seconds.
• Despite Homer’s extended torture at the end, I appreciate how naturally the two plots converged at the end. The stupid grease business proved to be the perfect conduit for the kids to start acting like kids again, and for Nelson to unwittingly call Luigi an ethnic slur (“Here comes a greaseball!” “Hey! Luigi bring-a you kids-a free pizza! Why do you hafta make-a the fun, huh?”)
• Simpsons Archive retro review: “A surprisingly good remake of ‘Lisa’s Rival,’ in many ways more realistic than the original, and with a far superior subplot. Executive Producer Mike Scully and his staff really seem to have hit their stride in the latter half of the 5F episodes: hopefully this winning streak will continue as season 10 officially begins in a month.”
  

2. The Wizard of Evergreen Terrace

• The episode barely begins and Homer stops his car in the middle of the highway (causing a collision of a helpless driver at the end of the scene), wanders across traffic and picks up the roadside telephone thinking he’s talking to Marge. Not a great start.
• Homer having a midlife crisis isn’t a bad idea for a premise. I like how despondent and morose he gets, like when he lists off his only three memories (“Standing in line for a movie, having a key made, and sitting here talking to you. Thirty-eight years and that’s all I have to show for it!”) The idea can even work in recalling all of Homer’s past achievements like going into space or being in a famous band, shining a light on all of these crazy things that have happened to him, but since the series is episodic, none of them actually really meant anything to Homer, since the series doesn’t really have continuity. Maybe it might get too meta, but it sure beats the nonsense that follows.
• The family somehow was able to get William Daniels to do a special greeting for Homer as KITT the Knight Rider car, but considering the show had been off the air over a decade, I can believe that they could have somehow convinced Daniels to do it, especially since it’s just a voice recording. It’s not like later where they would just present “Weird Al” Yankovic in person at the drop of a hat.
• Homer’s Edison obsession is boring from the start. I get it’s supposed to be funny that he’s hyper-focused on it and annoying everybody, but that shouldn’t also include the audience. Homer the Edison expert isn’t humorous or interesting in any way, which should have been the first sign to not make an entire episode about it.
• At least in this episode, as opposed to “Lard of the Dance,” there’s a conversation about why Homer isn’t at work that’s actually funny (“I suppose if this doesn’t work out, you can always go back to the plant.” “Not the way I quit.”)
• Homer’s inventions are mostly believable that he could actually have made them, but none of them are particularly funny for all the screen time devoted to them. Act two is just him attempting to think of ideas in scene after scene, and then showing off the four inventions, the only highlight for me being the Everything’s Okay alarm.
• This shot of the family embracing Homer for his extra legged chair has always stuck out to me. The rest of the family are starting to be held hostage by Homer’s insane whims, devoting his entire life (and the family’s financial security) into whatever bizarre flight of fancy captures him that week, regardless of how much money (if any) it’ll bring in. Marge delicately trying to tell Homer his inventions are fucking garbage is such a strange scene, and then later, her and the kids heaping on praise for his chair invention feels even weirder, like they’re overcompensating for the shit situation they’re in. Like I said before, the show has now become the Wacky Homer Adventures, guest starring the rest of the family.
  
• “But I thought you loved Edison!” “Oh, the hell with him!” That’s one way to shift story gears, I guess…
• The Edison tour guide has the best lines in the entire show, teasing the tour about the room with Edison’s preserved brain (“Ordinarily, folks, tour groups are not allowed to see it. And of course, today will be no exception,”) and ending the tour through Edison’s boyhood gift shop.
• Despite the episode starting off with Homer worrying about having a fulfilling life, the resolution involves him squashing his beef with Edison, which had literally just been introduced a few minutes earlier. Solid writing.
• How exactly did the Edison museum never notice the extra legs on the chair? And if they found the electric hammer on the table, why would they assume it was another Edison invention that just magically appeared? And why would those two mild-to-impractical inventions make Edison’s estate millions? Oh who cares…
• Simpsons Archive retro review: “If you people want plot, go watch a drama or something. This episode was simply PACKED with laughs, and Homer’s inspiration and contempt for Edison, at different parts of the episode respectively, pretty much had me rolling on the floor laughing! I didn’t really get bored once during the episode, and considering the fact that Simpsons can still be funny with some intelligent humor while shows like South Park continue to spew out juvenile garbage, this is a good indication of things to come for this season.”

3. Bart the Mother

• Is the “Who’s Who Among American Elementary School Students” a parody of something? I get that it’s an empty scam that Marge is tricked by, but there’s not really anything else to it. Just felt like a lot of back-and-forth between the family over it for it to be just a misfired joke.
• The Family Fun Center is a set piece that the show would have had a field day with in its heyday, but here, we’re left with long, laugh-less scenes at the go-kart track and Homer getting incessantly hit with balls at the batting cage. Even the arcade machine titles feel uninspired (Shark Bait, Pack Rat Returns). The only joke I laughed at was Milhouse inexplicably catching on fire after Nelson shoves his kart out of the way.
• The entire ending of act one with Nelson taunting Bart feels exactly like an after-school special about peer pressure. It sucks, as we end on an interminable slow push-in on Bart’s sad face after he shoots the bird. The gag where he purposely tries to miss but hits the bird anyway because of the crooked sight feels like it would be a great joke on an Adult Swim show, like someone trying to miss on purpose but ends up shooting and killing a guy, but it doesn’t quite work here.
• This really is the bad version of “Marge Be Not Proud.” I won’t deny “Proud” has shades of after-school special in it, but it still feels grounded in a relatable scenario and is littered with an abundance of jokes. Also, Bart’s guilt over lying to Marge is relegated to the last act. Here, both acts two and three feature an over-emotional Bart tending to the eggs (in one of the most boring montages in series history) and whimpering about his beloved lizard babies. Marge, meanwhile, feels incredibly vindictive and heartless compared to her portrayal in “Proud.” There, discovering Bart’s theft causes her to shut down emotionally, adopting a more hands-off approach to Bart, pulling back from her over-mothering. It’s a bit of a chilly distance, but it never feels antagonistic. Here, Marge is at her wit’s end, straight-up raging at Bart (“Do what you want. You wanna play with little hoodlums? Fine. Have fun killing things.”) For her to reach this extreme point, it feels like you’d need a full two acts to get her this fed up with Bart, but this happens at the very beginning of act two. It just doesn’t work at all.
• Troy McClure makes his final appearance, and he’s easily the highlight in this sorry affair, from referencing one of his greatest film titles (Man vs. Nature: The Road to Victory), to his careless treatment of the mother bird (“One thing mother blue jay can’t defend against is a set of steel tongs!”) The film ends with an enormous shit-eating grin to the camera, and what better final image could you possibly have for this character? Farewell, sweet prince.
  
• Did I mention Bart caring for the eggs is boring? Jeez Louise…
• Skinner’s sadistic treatment of the lizards (going to chop their heads off with the paper cutter, butchering them with a power drill) is incredibly bizarre. And I guess Marge and Bart entrust that this random bird watcher’s club is the utmost authority of what to do with the lizards by law? It’s dumb.
• Bart cries over the lizards because he loves the dumb animals, as he spells out the easily picked up connection between he and Marge. This episode is trying so hard to elicit a reaction, and man is it failing.
• Lisa ends the episode pointing out the irony that the plot started with Bart feeling guilty about killing a bird, and now he feels nothing about the plague of lizards killing hundreds of them. Bart replies by fighting with her over who gets to sit in the front seat. If that isn’t an admission that this episode was pointless, I don’t know what is. Did David Cohen rush this script out in a half hour before bolting out the door after hearing Futurama got the green light?
• Simpsons Archive retro review: “This episode really entertained me. Ah, to see Homer try to challenge an inanimate pitching machine and be pelted repeatedly was pretty good, even though it was repeatedly shown in the promos. Other highlights included Troy McClure’s last appearance, the basement running gag, Bart’s bird tribunal fantasy, and Apu’s Bolivian donut flashback. In all, there was really nothing bad about this episode. I give this episode an A-, and I’m betting on continuing improvement for the tenth season.”

4. Treehouse of Horror IX

• I’m kind of surprised they never did the alternate opening title sooner where everyone horribly dies on their way home. The Freddy and Jason cameos are also very nice; since Treehouse of Horror had become a Halloween institution at this point, it felt like the old school tipping their hats to the new.
• Troy McClure was originally going to be the host of “World’s Deadliest Executions,” but he was replaced by Ed McMahon after Phil Hartman’s untimely death. Wikipedia claims that the sequence with McClure was fully animated, but Hartman never recorded his lines, but that doesn’t really make any sense since they always record all the dialogue before animation production begins (the claim also has no source, so it’s most likely bullshit.) McMahon is great in the role though, with his joyful “Hey-yooo!” following Snake’s death to the audience’s applause being a real highlight. 
• The scene at Dr. Nick’s is great. I love the brief pause before Dr. Nick punches Homer in the face and injects himself with the sedative. Hank Azaria’s drowsy performance as Nick gets to work with a pizza cutter is so funny.
• Everything about Moe’s death scene is great, with his reaction to Homer/Snake walking in (“You’re looking unusually focused this morning,”) the reveal that his earlier requested Penicill-Os cereal is actually real, and Kent Brockman’s report of his demise (“Filthy old bartender Moe Syzslak has watered down his last highball.”)
• During this rewatch, I found myself a little less enchanted by the running gag of Homer strangling Bart, but goddamn did I laugh at Homer punching Bart in the face in attempting to hurt Snake’s hair. The strangling bit worked best if it were in response to a particularly scathing line from Bart, or if there was some other layer to the joke, and here, Homer attempting to save Bart by directly hurting him is pretty wonderfully twisted, especially with how loud the punch sounds are.
• Hysterical timing on Bart slamming the door on Hobo Homer’s harmonica song. I don’t even care that there’s rarely ever a kitchen door there, it was worth the cheat.
• The second segment is easily the weakest. It just seems like they didn’t have any real ideas outside of putting Bart and Lisa in an Itchy & Scratchy episode. It’s like a premise I’d expect to see in a Nickelodeon cartoon or something, especially the bit with Bart drawing the eject button.
• “My eyes! My beautiful eyes!” RIP Regis.
• I love that act three is just peppered with great moments in male insecurity, first when Homer first reacts that Marge “mated” with Kang, he starts to bawl, then immediately inquires, “Was he better than me?” Then, when Kang “breeds” Marge with the ray gun and Marge comments that it was awfully quick, Kang instinctively defends, ”What are you implying?”
• The Jerry Springer scene certainly feels like a time capsule. He’s got a daytime courtroom show now, Judge Jerry. But it definitely works within the story and is still very funny. I’m also a fan of any time the show kills a celebrity, especially in the completely off-hand way the characters mention it (“I can’t believe it. Jerry Springer didn’t solve our conflict.” “And now he’s dead.”)
• Big thumbs up for the Simpson family goading Kang and Kodos into destroying every American politician. It’s even more wonderful a fantasy now than it was then!
• Simpsons Archive retro review: “This was a good episode. I found myself thinking at some points about how uncreative the writing was, but on the whole, it wasn’t too bad. I think that I may have even laughed once (I don’t usually laugh at *anything*, even The Simpsons).”

5. When You Dish Upon a Star

• I really like the look of Homer’s Yogi dream, but the ending with him viciously mauling Ned feels wrong. I think back on “Homer the Heretic” where Homer envisions lying back on a hammock chortling as Ned’s house burns down and how that felt like a bit of a sour joke. It just feels like there’s a difference between wishing someone would die, and wishing someone would die by your own hand. Thankfully, Homer parking his car over Ned in the sand is a much better gag (“Is that my muffler?”)
• Homer’s parasailing speech about wanting to soar higher than any other man, or whatever the hell he’s talking about, set to grand, soaring music is so bizarre. It’s setting up the punchline of the rope detaching, I get it, but it feels like another weird new mantra of Homer’s of wanting to achieve greatness as a new hyper-active character, a far cry from the lazy, fat oaf he used to be.
• When Homer puts his arms around Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger, another small part of the show died instantly (he even does it again with Basinger and Ron Howard.) Homer immediately acts like these mega stars are like old friends from high school, but also reveres them to an extent and eagerly offers to be their assistant for absolutely no reason. It’s just so awful. Meanwhile, Baldwin and Basinger are quick to consider Homer their friend, even going so far as to feel bad when they fire him. Why? It almost feels like Homer’s popularity outside the show seeping into this episode.
• The casting of Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger has always felt weird in my head, since their power couple status stems from an era of Hollywood I don’t have a strong familiarity with. Never mind the two divorced a few years after this aired, but I have no real knowledge of those two being humongous stars. This seemed like it was on the cusp of Basinger’s career kind of fading, with 8 Mile being her only big notable role post 2000 (at least from what jumps out to me after a brief Wikipedia reading.) She had recently just won an Oscar for L.A. Confidential, as displayed in the episode, in a pretty nauseating scene (I refer once again to Krusty’s “caviar soaked soak garters” line.) Meanwhile, Alec Baldwin the leading man is completely lost on me, as I’m predominately familiar with his post-30 Rock career playing supporting character roles that are more or less different permutations of Jack Donaghy (or as a Boss Baby) and his awful Trump impression on SNL. It doesn’t really matter though, since neither of them have any real character in this episode. They could have been played by anybody, since the whole point is that they’re celebrities and are there to be worshipped. It feels so antithetical to what the series once was.
• How often is Homer over the celebrity home? It’s unclear how much time goes by, but it feels like it has to be at least a couple weeks. There’s never any explanation given to the family where he’s been when he’s playing badminton and going to old West towns with his new celebrity buddies. 
• I don’t know why Krusty and Sideshow Mel are amongst the gawkers flocking to the celebrity house. Did they just forget that they’re celebrities themselves?
• Man, the ending of act two is just terrible. ”Homer, how could you?” Kim Basinger says, hurt. “You betrayed our confidence. I just don’t think we can be friends anymore.” Oh, boo hoo. Am I supposed to feel sad that Homer is being cast out by Hollywood millionaires?
• Act three opens with Homer obnoxiously play-acting like a Hollywood bigshot, turning his nose up at sloppy Joes and just generally being an asshole to his family. Then, after Lisa reminds him the celebrities were the ones that fired him, over one line of dialogue, he turns on a dime, and now he’s angry at celebrities and fucking hates them. It’s just so bad.
• Judge Snyder’s ruling about Homer not being within 500 miles of any celebrity is stupid, given how many hundreds more he’d rub elbows with in the future. But who cares, this episode sucks ass.
• Simpsons Archive retro review: “I, like most people have become disillusioned by The Simpsons in recent seasons; it just isn’t very funny anymore. Tonight’s episode however, totally blew me away. It was HI-larious! The writing was top-notch, the guest stars actually had a part in the story, and everyone was in character. An incredible comeback for my once-again favorite show!”

6. D’oh-in’ in the Wind

• The episode opens with no one at the plant being able to open Burns’ jar of pickles. Then Burns films a recruitment film. Then Homer inexplicably wants to be an actor and starts filling out a Screen Actor’s Guild application. Then the family wants to know Homer’s middle name. Boy, the storytelling is just as strong as ever!
• Abe in a suit in a chair protesting at Woodstock is pretty perfect (I always laugh at his read “Bring on Sha-na-na!”) 
• Mona being into free love definitely seems to make sense for her character, and is another bit I was completely clueless about watching as a kid (I love Abe’s complete ignorance at Seth and Munchie’s admission to screwing his wife.)
• The reveal of Homer “Jay” Simpson is pretty clever, and the mural Mona painted is pretty sweet, but the Mona connection sadly disappears after the first act. I wish the episode had been more connected to her, like Homer wanting to live up to the ideals his mother believed in or something. Instead, his embracing of the hippie lifestyle feels more broad and tenuous than anything he’s really passionate about.
• Homer watching the Bob Hope hippie special is a syndication cut, and really, it should have just been completely cut, period. You basically get the joke right away when Homer calls Hope the “master” of hippiedom, and then the skit just goes on and on and on.
• Of the six episodes of the season so far, three have involved Homer getting a new job or interest, where we get scenes of him proceeding to just annoy the shit out of people with his new specific passion. At least in this episode, it’s more bearable and believable that Homer would be into being a dirty, lazy hippie rather than him pretending he’s a great inventor or akin to a Hollywood celebrity.
• Homer’s urge to “freak out squares” involves putting on silly outfits and yelling stuff out at people while driving by. Seth and Munchie don’t say a word during these scenes, because it would distract from Homer’s insane ramblings about nothing.
• I at least appreciate that Homer tries to make things right by Seth and Munchie after completely fucking them over, and the twist of accidentally using their “special” crops to complete the order is a pretty good one.
• George Carlin doesn’t have the meatiest role for being one of the great comedy legends (having to share billing with Martin Mull, a comedian I barely know anything about), but his stone-cold serious read of “This man does not represent us” at the end still makes me laugh.
• Homer getting shot with the flower is another in a series of instances where him getting hurt is personally satisfying. His Jerkass levels were relatively low this episode, but his complete dedication to being a hippie never felt like it rang true, so him lecturing the police about peace, love and happiness felt more annoying than earnest, and by that point, I was ready for the episode to end. Wiggum couldn’t have pulled that trigger fast enough.
• Simpsons Archive retro review: “Another Season Ten classic! Homer as a hippie did not disappoint, and the hallucination scene was just CLASSIC! And who’d have thought that ‘Homer J. Simpson’ could be his full name, after all? This is a great season so far!”

20. The Trouble with Trillions

• At some point every New Year’s Eve night, I’ll think, “Will this horrible year never end?” The opening scene is fantastic; I love the added touch that the Jebediah statue is already TP’d as the townspeople gather to count down. Also a favorite is the snippet we hear of Krusty’s drunken rendition of “Auld Lang Syne.”
• Ned doing his taxes on January 1st (complete with a fistful of mints) is very in-character, as is his explanation of what taxes are for to his son (“Policemen, trees, sunshine, and let’s not forget the folks who just don’t feel like working, God bless ’em!”)
• I really like the reveal that Marge is the artist behind the sailboat painting above the couch, and her saying she painted it for Homer is a very sweet detail (I wouldn’t be surprised if in a few seasons, we get an entire terrible episode about the story behind it.) The ending of the scene of Marge hanging the painting back on the wall, lamenting the waste of her talent, is cut in syndication, and maybe better off. It’s kind of a bummer.
• Homer is in full invincible stupid mode in his frantic rush to the post office, which sucks, but this piece of animation is ironically fantastic. It looks like the totaled car gets smashed flat; whoever was in there is most certainly dead.
  
• The reveal of the second IRS agent behind the swivel chair, followed by the first agent sitting and turning back around is a wonderfully stupid gag.
• The IRS uses Homer to spy on the gang at Moe’s, but they never say that they suspect anyone there. Did they have a target in mind, or did they just assume maybe we could arrest one of these idiot’s buddies? Also, Charlie is dressed identically to Homer with a white collared shirt and blue pants, that’s kind of weird.
• Milhouse posing in the photo booth shirtless is so great; Pamela Hayden nails his awkward and embarrassed “My… my shirt fell off” when he’s exposed.
• The whole trillion dollar bill scandal is kind of stupid when you think about it for more than five seconds. The government let Mr. Burns abscond with a literal trillion dollars for over fifty years without any substantial investigation? Plus, it’s revealed that he keeps the damn bill in his wallet, so they could have confronted and arrested him at any time. Why did they need a big dope like Homer to handle this seemingly very important, half-a-century-old assignment?
• Burns just letting Homer into his home feels off to me. They make a joke out of it, with him wanting to hurt Homer in some way before he leaves, but his feeble concessions to him (“I’ll get you a towel,”) while kind of funny, aren’t worth defanging him like this. Also, the Hall of Burns is really stupid. Why would he have these elaborate museum-quality dioramas in his private home that no one ever visits?
• I’m all for an episode that’s critiquing worthless government spending, but this episode is such a giant mess that I don’t even know if it’s supposed to have a point or not. Burns makes a speech about thinking for yourself and not letting the government control you, and then the act break is Homer giggling about making one of the unconscious IRS agents touch the other’s ass. Great writing, guys.
• People rightfully point out how out-of-character Lisa’s “screw college, we got dune buggies!” bit is, but even weirder is Marge, for some reason, assuming they would be keeping the trillion dollars?
• I love the rear IRS agent’s expression after the other comments, “They’ll be back. They’ll miss American TV.”
  
• The third act is pretty terrible, basically tanking an episode that was already careening off a cliff. There’s some good bits with Castro, but the road there wasn’t worth it. There’s also way too much of dumb oblivious Burns (settling for being Vice President after Homer “calls” it first, not remembering he’s flying the plane).
• Simpsons Archive retro review: “A pretty funny episode! The plot meandered, but at least that’s better than last week’s jumpy episode. It was fun to see a good Burns/Smithers episode again. Also amusing was the kids’ reaction to getting a trillion dollars (Lisa doesn’t need college after all!) A nice, if not perfect romp.”

21. Girly Edition

• The opening with Krusty and Lindsey Naegle is so solid. Krusty attesting to Itchy & Scratchy’s educational value (“What don’t they learn? Don’t trust mice, cats are made of glass…”), the set-up of the Mattel and Mars Bar Quick-Energy Choco-bot Hour (“That’s barely legal as it is,”) Krusty outlining his show (“There’s a monologue, those idiot puppets, Krusty’s nap time, the second monologue, Paul Harvey, Senor Papino… I tell you, it’s the tightest three hours and ten minutes on TV!”)
• I like how we see the small splats of creamed corn against the school window representing Willie’s shack exploding. It feels more creative and shows some restraint from making the event more bombastic… as well as not needing to animate it, which was probably a plus.
• Lindsey Naegle would be dulled and overused in future seasons, but she’s at her strongest in this episode (maybe second to “The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Show.”) Her rambling off all her showbiz buzzwords, then not understanding Lisa’s simple turn of phrase (“Let’s be honest, Bart’s not exactly the brightest penny in the fountain.” “In English, Lisa?”) is just excellent.
• The Mojo B-plot feels like a crazy Homer story, but it never gets too off-the-wall, considering the most extreme thing Homer does with the monkey is get it to steal donuts for him, which is appropriate for him. Also great is Marge’s consistent horror at this filthy monkey being in her house, and her irritation at Homer that just grows and grows throughout the episode.
• The best section of this episode is the look into Kent Brockman’s human interest stories (“They tug at the heart and fog the mind.”) Him on the carousel pausing as it goes around (“This is Kent Brockman…..  reporting”) always makes me laugh. I also like how we see Bart attempt to mimic Brockman’s tone and some of his phrasings as he does his own imitation special reporting.
• I have no idea why the hell Burns and Smithers are in bean bag chairs, but this scene still cracks me up (“Smithers… do you think maybe my power plant killed those ducks?” “There’s no ‘maybe’ about it, sir.” “…excellent.”)
  
• Oh my, the Crazy Cat Lady. Great in her first appearance, terrible in every other one.
• The obese Mojo struggling to breathe is pretty disconcerting, but still funny.
• Milhouse’s report about discreetly discarding urine-soaked bed sheets is great, but it’s compounded and made even funnier when Bart observes the “soiled mattresses” at the dump and we quickly cut back to a guilt-ridden Milhouse.
• I love Willie’s incredibly loud and shocked “WHAT?!” at Lisa telling him Bart’s his son. I also love that Lisa saves the day by channeling her own version of Bart/Kent’s empty schmaltz reporting, and she’s smart enough to come up with one completely off the cuff (“That little hellraiser is the spawn of every shrieking commercial, every brain-rotting soda pop, every teacher who cares less about young minds than about cashing their big, fat paychecks. No, Bart’s not to blame.  You can’t create a monster and then whine when he stomps on a few buildings!  I’m Lisa Simpson.”)
• Simpsons Archive retro review: “While there were a few things in the episode which were quite funny; all of it is lost for me in the absolutely inexcusable behavior of Lisa… this was like watching PTA Disbands all over again. I have always had a soft spot for Lisa Simpson, and to see this episode was very disheartening… This wasn’t Lisa Simpson; this was someone who acted cold-hearted, egoistic, and downright selfish. Whoever wrote this episode needs a serious slap in the face… I don’t think anyone should be allowed to write for the Simpsons unless you know how the characters are supposed to act; this was horrible, and it totally ruined what I thought was an otherwise decent episode.”

22. Trash of the Titans

• The opening few minutes is easily the best stuff in the episode: Costington’s concocting a bullshit holiday to increase their profits even further (I’d love to hear more about Christmas 2), and Marge eating up the idea of “Love Day” feels very appropriate. I also love Homer’s ridiculous disappointment at getting the “wrong” bear (“They didn’t have Lord Huggington?”)
  
• The scenario of Homer and the kids prolonging taking out the trash for as long as possible is excellent (Bart stapling the banana peel to the pile is a great gag), but then that snowballs after Homer pisses off the garbagemen to them living in increasing levels of filth. It goes on way longer than Marge would reasonably be able to tolerate, as rancid trash covers the interior and exterior of their house. It feels like an instance where the writer’s room came up with a bunch of gags (Marge tossing bacon outside to distract the rats, her talking about the crazy lady who lives in their trash pile), forsaking any realism that Marge would put up with any of this. She may be generally submissive, but she most definitely would have written that forged apology after the first scene.
  
• The poison pill of this episode is Homer, who acts like an absolute maniac from the moment he storms into Ray Patterson’s office. He rants and raves about standing up for the little guy, “rattling a few cages,” but for the entire episode, I have absolutely no idea what his motivation or wants are, and I don’t think he does either. It’s just supposed to be funny that he’s a directionless lunatic? The episode even acknowledges it with the “Local Nut at it Again” subheadline in the newspaper starting act two. Homer’s confusing, intolerable behavior for the entire runtime makes this episode the worst of season 9 for me (excluding “All Singing, All Dancing.”)
• Continuing that, Homer waltzing on stage with U2 without a care in the world feels like a big turning point. He has absolutely no qualms about breaking into a rock show, attacking the female technician backstage, and addressing the crowd under the belief they’ll be thrilled to see him. The scene also ends with the very first instance of me enjoying Homer getting hurt because it felt like satisfying karma to an asshole character, as he gets beat up by U2’s goons.
• The best gag in the episode is actually at the U2 show, where the crowd is going nuts, except for Otto, who is still seated and shouting, “Sit down! You’re ruining it for everyone!” I grew to love that line even more the year I went to Comic-Con and attended the Steven Universe panel, where the crowd full-on cheered almost every few minutes. It got to be kind of annoying, as the panelists could have actually talked more if they didn’t have to constantly stop for the crowd to keep going nuts, and I felt exactly like Otto in that moment.
• More than halfway into the episode, Homer actually gets some fucking direction with his “Can’t Someone Else Do It?” campaign slogan. I like the idea of it, directly appealing to a lazy populous with grandiose claims of hired hands doing all your dirty work for you, but Homer’s attitude just sours everything it touches. “The Garbageman Can” thankfully comes off unscathed, one of the last classic songs of the series. It’s a real showstopper that I only wish was in an episode that wasn’t shit.
• Homer cutting Patterson’s brakes is his first attempted murder of the series, and sadly would not be his last.
• “Simpson, the American people have never tolerated incompetence in their government officials.” Just gets funnier each passing year!
• When we get to the third act, the episode really starts to feel like the Wacky Homer Adventures, guest starring the rest of the family, a template that would follow through the rest of the Mike Scully years and beyond. The scene where they’re at home and Homer interrupts Lisa’s explanation about sanitation work (“Wait, shut up! I have an idea!”) and runs out the door, leaving the family just sitting them, looking around vacantly is a pretty telling moment.
• I can’t really get all that upset about the reality-breaking ending of moving the entire town. I actually would have embraced a crazy ending like this if it were tacked on the end of an episode that actually tried to be about something.
• Simpsons Archive retro review: “I’m starting to wonder why I bother reviewing these anymore. Mike Scully rightfully held this episode until now, and the high-quality animation and extra attention to detail given to it because it was the 200th are the only things that can compliment it enough. I’ll soon be quoting everything like crazy so watch out… everyone with 14.4kb modems thank me for my short review. (A+)”

23. King of the Hill

• McBain fights the CommieNazis in his last great appearance. I also like that Homer crosses paths with Rainier in a believable fashion (of course he’d be the only one in Springfield using an all-night gym) and Rainier’s motivational insults are great too (“Go past the max! Master your ass!”)
• Lovejoy’s exasperated “Just play the damn game, Ned!” always makes me laugh.
• A reliable classic era story motivator was Homer wanting to regain the love of his kids or make them proud of him, and this episode holds that firm from the beginning. Him embarrassing himself during the capture-the-flag game is just devastating enough for Homer to actually feel ashamed of it (him wailing on the floor covered in deviled eggs definitely seems scar-worthy for Bart) and I like how this motivates Homer through the rest of the episode.
• The tub of ice cream with miniature pies looks pretty damn good to me right now.
• I am incapable of seeing a sign for a gym and not thinking it’s pronounced “guy-m.”
• I appreciate the restraint of showing that Homer has gotten fitter, but is not like absolutely ripped. The scene of him daring the family to find any flab, only for them to find a whole bunch of soft spots, much to his chagrin, is pretty adorable. Only two months of working out at night and he’s certainly built up his arm muscles, but he’s not a bodybuilder, unlike a handful of future episodes where he got completely roided out at the drop of a hat if the plot required him to (“Homer the Whopper” comes to mind.) 
• I don’t know why they cast Brendan Fraser and Steven Weber together as the Powersauce reps, but their repartee with each other is very good. The product itself is a great send-up on “diet” bars as nutritional substitutes (unleashing the awesome power of apples!) and Fraser and Weber play the perfect energetic corporate shills. I like later in act three when they actually break their facades to warn Homer not to climb the mountain alone, and then immediately throw him under the bus with faux-seriousness in broadcasting that Homer has switched to their market competitor (the Vita-Peach Health Log), absolving themselves of any wrongdoing or bad press.
• Those flapjacks in a can look really good too. If you had a little slot on the bottom to separate the syrup so they didn’t got soggy… man, that sounds delicious.
• Homer getting assistance from the sherpas not only makes the insane idea of him scaling a gigantic mountain a little more believable, but they also provide some of the best lines of the episode (“I foresaw your death last night.” “Stop saying that!”) I also like their absolute glee at being dismissed by Homer, and their hitchhiking inexplicably in front of the Simpson house, just so the family could see them outside and realize that Homer is fucked.
• I don’t know if I ever registered this before, but it’s odd that Abe’s rambling stories are usually complete bullshit, but him climbing up the mountain (and falling 8,000 feet?) is apparently true, as Homer finds the frozen body of his “buddy” McAllister. Abe’s failure is meant to mirror Homer’s, but before that point, it was just a nonsense story, so any emotional impact isn’t really felt. But no matter, McAllister’s last words (“Tell my wife my last thoughts were of her… blinding and torturing Abe Simpson”) and the grim finale of Homer using the frozen body as a sled are more than worth the trouble.
• Homer using the Simpson flag from the church picnic game in place of the Powersauce one is a pretty sweet detail, making the story feel like it’s coming full circle. The entire top half of the mountain collapsing is pretty ridiculous, but I don’t know how else you’d get Homer to have his moment of triumph. It’s a little rickety, but the Homer-Bart emotional through-line works surprisingly well, especially for a show this deep into season 9.
• Simpsons Archive retro review: “This episode seemed to play upon the viewer’s emotions more than usual. I think the communazi’s death was one of the most graphic scenes I’ve seen on the Simpons. Also, the closing of act I was big on emotional content. Lastly, the victorious ending. This almost seemed like a WWF match with its emotional choreography! I think that’s especially potent for those of us that see similarities between Homer and ourselves. Anyway, the whole ep ended up being a real watchable pick-me-up, due primarily to the emotional content. The amount of hilarity was kept to a minimum, which i suppose is needed in order to have a real emotional response from your audience. Here’s hoping for something crazy next week…”

24. Lost Our Lisa

• I’m sure my wife wishes that teacher conference day was as much fun as it’s shown here. Also very nice of them to invite Willie along with them.
• Bart and Milhouse just show up at the power plant to bug Homer about getting super glue, just because, I guess. They couldn’t have gotten the glue some other way? Also, why is Bart allowed to wander around the entire town on his day off but Lisa is forbidden to take the bus by herself? Maybe Marge thought Bart was just at Milhouse’s house, but with no line explaining that, it reads kind of weird to me.
• I really like Lisa playing Homer like a fiddle in order to get his “permission” to take the bus, inflating her request to a limousine and acting faux-disappointed in Homer delicately downgrading her. Lisa hanging up on her father in the middle of him saying he loves her is a perfect capper to the scene.
• The two flocks of geese flying at each other is a stupid gag I love; the pan over revealing the second flock, and one of the poor birds nosediving out of the sky during the fight, it’s so funny.
• When offered a ride in the back of Cletus’s pick-up truck full of roadkill, Lisa holds back vomit and squeals as she flees the scene. I assume it’s Yeardley Smith vocalizing while clasping her hands to her mouth, but the sound has always sounded like a baby cry to me. Does anyone else hear that?
• Dr. Hibbert’s frightening button applicator feels a little too silly for a “serious” doctor like him to use, but I love his incredibly severe insistence that “it had to be terror sweat!”
• My goodness does the episode plunge into the abyss when Homer goes after Lisa. The end of act two into act three has Homer and Lisa frantically looking for each other with a whole lot of suspenseful music in place of any humor. And then we get Homer in the cherry picker, and man… not only isn’t it funny, but it’s a very early example of Homer-getting-hurt being used as a humor crutch for the writers. He scrapes his skull against a low bridge, he smashes through an entire wooden dock neck-first, and finally, a fucking drawbridge closes on his head. Homer fell down a goddamn gorge (twice!) in “Bart the Daredevil,” and not only was he horrifically injured and hospital-bound, there’s multiple layers as to why the scene is funny outside of him getting hurt (he skateboarded over it himself to “teach Bart a lesson,” the absurdity that the “lesson” would even work, his cockiness in thinking he would make it.) Here, Homer experiences a cavalcade of serious injuries for no reason, then walks away scot free with a tire mark on his cranium and a smile on his face. How far we have fallen.
• Despite the episode seeming to have blown its wad with the endless cherry picker scene, we still have Homer’s soapbox about taking stupid risks, because that makes total sense for his character (”Me, I’m a risk taker! That’s why I have so many adventures!”) This characterization isn’t even consistent in this very episode: Homer was wary about Lisa taking the bus at the beginning of the episode, and he runs off scared for his daughter’s safety after Lenny and Carl worry him about it. Where was Captain Wacky then? But there’s even more doom lurking behind that quote. “Homer’s Enemy” cast a spotlight on Homer, the not-so-average Joe, and how many crazy escapades he’s gotten into over eight seasons. It effectively breaks the character to some extent, and it feels like some of the writers took that as permission to just go for broke on not only Homer getting up to crazy shenanigans, but for him to just flat-out admit it too. This is Homer now, and this scene is his new mission statement. And it fucking sucks.
• Boredom continues with the museum break-in. There’s just so much of it played for suspense with barely any jokes. Homer can’t even break open the stupid orb without needing a pointless sequence of all of the rope pylons tipping over as Lisa gasps in horror. This episode and “Trash of the Titans,” both at the tail end of season 9, are the biggest terrible omens for things to come: over-dramatic action and/or suspense sequences, knee-jerk character changes, forced sentimentality, and Homer the human punching bag/sentient asshole.
• Simpsons Archive retro review: “A pleasant surprise which makes Season Nine better than Season Eight, in that it’s the first episode I’ve given an A to since Season Seven’s finale, ‘Summer of 4’2.’ A realistically troubling situation for both Lisa and Homer when Lisa’s natural immaturity gets her lost in Springfield. Most of the humor is woven well into the story, too, which is rare. Not to mention everyone is in character for once, and the episode deals primarily with the family–and not the entire town. Act Three’s change of pace feels more like a story progression and less a jump from one thing to a completely unrelated other. All and all, an outstanding effort, especially for the waning ninth season.”

25. Natural Born Kissers

• The opening where Homer discovers Frank Grimes’ funeral program feels like yet another season 9 warning sign. As I talked about in “Homer’s Enemy,” that episode works only within its own vacuum, but multiple episodes past this point feature casual mentions of Frank Grimes where Homer continues acting like an inconsiderate dick, the biggest offender being “The Great Louse Detective,” where he acts like a braindead dope in front of Grimes’s own illegitimate son. Homer sleeping through Grimes’s funeral was a dark button on a subversive, but isolated story, but him not recognizing the man who killed himself right in front of him makes him seem like a sociopath.
• Up, Up and Buffet is a neat set piece, the perfect polar opposite to Homer and Marge’s intended romantic evening. The valet attendants manually shaking the restaurant to dip the wings feels like a classic Simpsons bit.
• There’s something I noticed in the scene where Homer and Marge soberly look out the plane window at the happy romantic couple at the Gilded Truffle. It feels like the character design standards shifted during the Mike Scully years where new characters were designed with slightly more detail and features more akin to actual humans than bug-eyed, simplified cartoon characters. Just look how different the dining couple looks compared to Homer and Marge. This issue would continue up through the present, as the Simpson family and other Springfield residents would look weirdly out-of-place against celebrity guests and one-off characters, like they were plucked from two different series.
  
• I really love how we see Homer not close the freezer door, but they don’t highlight the moment, so you might not totally connect it with what happens the next morning. Moments of restraint like this are incredibly rare in episodes nowadays.
• Great use of “Spanish Flea” during the divorce radio commercial.
• “Hey, are they pulling the plug on anybody today?” “Nope, everybody’s paid up!”
• I absolutely love Bart’s pirate dream with the practical pirate suggesting they use their gold to buy things they like, which immediately gets him shot. It’s a syndication cut, but I wish they’d kept that bit and cut it off at the captain showing the map carved on a cracker, definitely not as good of a joke.
• I love Marge’s read of “Hey! Look at that!” when Homer takes his shirt off trying to get the magic going. You can really hear the strained attempt at enthusiasm in Kavner’s voice.
• Much appreciated continuity at Homer and Marge acknowledging the windmill as their old love nest, and story-wise, it makes sense that their undoing as adults would occur at the same place they acted like reckless, carefree kids (“We drank so much that night!” “Yeah, I thought Bart would be born a dimwit!”)
• Even though it’s basically cribbed from a joke from The Critic, I still enjoy the Casablanca alternate ending, especially with the “The End?” end card (“Wasn’t it great? And the question mark leaves the door open for a sequel.”) But why exactly was it buried in Springfield? I guess the Crazy Old Man had all the reels in his possession when he moved to Springfield, attempted to bury some of them but then just gave up? Ah, who cares.
• It’s kind of weird that Homer knows Gil’s name when he bumps into him, but it’s a pretty solid scene, with Gil so desperate for a sale he doesn’t bat an eyelash at his potential customer’s nudity.
• Most of act there is kind of a slog, with Homer and Marge scurrying across town, then into the hot air balloon, with plenty of suspense music. Also a lot of Homer getting hurt, which is throughout the whole episode (the avalanche of silverware falling on him at Up, Up and Buffet was pretty excessive), but the bit of Homer hanging from the balloon and Marge causing him to get torched with flames that come out of absolutely nowhere is pretty damn stupid. There’s no actual joke there other than him getting inexplicably hurt. The pastor at the crystal cathedral and Sideshow Mel’s “Look at that blimp! He’s hanging from a balloon!” deserve kudos, but that’s about it.
• Simpsons Archive retro review: “I have mixed feelings about this one. While it’s a very funny episode, with an appealing plot, I would prefer it if this episode had never happened. Running around town naked and having sex in public is a road I hoped the Simpsons would never go down. Such a ridiculous idea.”

Season 9 episodes I would pluck from the scrap heap: “The City of New York vs. Homer Simpson,” “The Cartridge Family,” “Bart Star,” “The Joy of Sect,” “Lisa the Simpson,” “Simpson Tide,” “Girly Edition,” “King of the Hill”