(originally aired March 28, 1991)
Many cultures honor and treasure their elderly, looking upon them as a source of wisdom. In America, we’re not quite as reverent. This series is nothing but a brilliant satire on all of society, and their depiction of old people is slightly exaggerated, but brutally honest. The elderly are shown as a burden, locked away in retirement homes, dank, desolate domiciles where old folks can putter away by their lonesome, desperate for a visit from a relative that will never come. We saw this early on in season 1 in “Bart the General,” where every inmate at the Retirement Castle reared their heads when Bart asked for “Grampa.” That’s also the first time we saw Abe Simpson, a grizzled old coot who may be a tad senile, but has enough pep and gumption left to complain about how the world’s going to hell-in-a-hand basket. This is an episode about the harsh and unloving treatment of old people, most importantly the Simpson family’s cantankerous old Grampa.

We begin with Abe meeting Beatrice, a beguiling fellow resident at the retirement home, and the two fall in love, fast. Some time later, Abe is reared up for Bea’s birthday, but is whisked away by the Simpson family for their monthly obligatory trip with the old coot, this time to Discount Lion Safari. The Simpsons getting their car attacked by lions is pretty goofy, but Abe’s plight always remains the focus, from Homer patronizingly playing off Bea to be part of Abe’s imagination to every shot in the car showing a stern-faced Abe in the backseat. Upon his return, Abe learns Bea has died over the past day, and left him her fortune of $106,000. We then get a look at society’s only viable use for old people: bilking them of their inheritance. Finding spending for himself brought him no happiness, Abe opens the floor to all the people of Springfield to pitch them how they’d put the money to good use, which gives us great scenes with a variety of characters from Mr. Burns, Marvin Monroe, Otto, and our first look at Professor Frink.

Also nestled in this show is an examination of Homer’s relationship with his father. Abe is infuriated with Homer over having missed out on Bea’s final moments, and Homer, understanding the blunder of his actions, feels a heavy remorse. By the insistence of Bea’s ghost, Abe forgives his son, and Homer later returns the favor in stopping Abe from gambling away his fortune. Abe had been trying to help too many people with too little cash, but in the end, decides a small step is as good as any, and repairs the down-and-out retirement home to look like new. It’s a bit of a sappy ending, especially with Abe’s final line, “Dignity’s on me, friends,” but it works all the same. The back half of the episode is a wonderful depiction of a man who desperately wants to do some good with a kindness that has been given to him, and eventually finds it in his own backyard.

Tidbits and Quotes
– The show brilliantly lays a lot of focus on how shitty the retirement home is. There’s lots of longer-than-usual establishing shots showing crusty walls and dilapidated tiles without feeling like it’s lingering on it. We also get it through jokes, like when you think Abe is crying over the photo of Bea when it’s just the leaky ceiling.
– I don’t know why I love Discount Lion Safari so much. The billboard for it is so spectacular. Maybe it’s the way the family yells it in unison… twice.
– I love when Abe remarks that Bea has “the bluest eyes he’s ever seen in [his] life” when, like everyone else’s, they’re just black dots.
– The scene with Abe and Bea when they eat their pills… mercy. It serves a story point of their form of courting, but my goodness is it disturbing.
– Another great Simpsons product: Lucky Lindy’s All Purpose Pomade (“You’ll never fly solo again!”)
– I’d like to have seen more of Grandma’s World; it’s so great that a wool shoal is in active ware. Also, the clerk appears to be the same as the grocery cashier in “Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment.” Second job perhaps?
– We get the second appearance of Lionel Hutz, a wonderful return as the executor of Bea’s estate. Phil Hartman also voices “Plato,” the casino greeter (“My philosophy is: enjoy!”)
– I love the montage of Abe attempting to enjoy himself, with halfhearted “Yeah”s along the way, ending with the great Diz-Nee-Land (not affiliated with Disneyland, Disney World, or anything else from the Walt Disney Company).
– It’s pretty heart-wrenching seeing Homer so broken up about his father. Marge suggests he seek help and hands him the phone connected to Marvin Monroe’s anxiety line. There’s a sweet bit where Marge pats her husband’s head reassuringly before leaving the room, it’s such a nice, subtle bit of animation that is sorely absent from recent years.
– This episode is pretty noteworthy in the shot of the line for Abe is filled with the collection of minor characters we’ve seen over thirty episodes. What would once be faceless nobodies are now established characters, as the series would grow to have hundreds and hundreds of familiar faces as crowd characters.
– There’s a great bit when Homer arrives at the casino and sees Abe about to gamble away his winnings. He screams with a shot in his open mouth, with a series of shots following pulling out further and further. It really intensifies the moment, and builds up to the fake-out that Abe has actually doubled his earnings.

(originally aired March 7, 1991)
NOTE: During the past week, I was visiting my hometown in New Jersey. However, that did not hinder my Simpsons obligations. I managed to burn through six episodes with two very good friends of mine, and together we recorded brief, five-minute commentaries for them. They’re quite rambling, misguided, and mostly disposable, but hey, they’re only five minutes, and if you’re reading this, chances are your time isn’t that valuable to begin with.



These audio reviews will also be an excuse for me to write less. A bit of a cop out, but hey, I got four hundred episodes more, so cut me a break.

This final audio “commentary” is the scarcest, and for good reason. Season 2 has been full of a lot of episodes full of great and complex characters and interesting meaty plots, but this is a relatively more low-key episode featuring the exploits of the Simpson family dog. We establish Santa’s Little Helper not as a goofy cartoonish dog, but an actual true-to-life untrained mongrel, who doesn’t obey any commands, digs up the yard, harasses the neighbors, and will chew up anything it sets its fancy on. This is pretty much the overarching content for the first two acts, as the Simpsons try to continue with their lives around their nuisance of a pet.

Homer has his eyes on Ned’s ‘Assassins’ sneakers, obnoxious and expensive footwear with mini vanity nameplates on each foot. I do enjoy Homer’s enthusiasm over a product that encourages exercise, like people who were anxious to buy Air Jordans so they could sit around the house wearing them. Meanwhile, Lisa comes down with the mumps, giving Marge time to share with her the Bouvier family quilt, which has lasted six generations through the Great Depression to Marge’s link in the chain of “Keep On Truckin’.” When both of these treasured items (and Homer’s giant cookie) are destroyed by Santa’s Little Helper, there is little recourse left other than to get rid of the dog. Bart is adamant against this, of course, promising he’ll get his dog trained.

Bart enrolls Santa’s Little Helper into obedience school, taught by a no-nonsense Margaret Thatcher type voiced by Tracey Ullman, comedienne responsible for the Simpsons gracing the airwaves in the first place. She gives a fine performance, but coming off of Herb Powell from the last episode, she’s not the most memorable one-off character. This show has its share of funny lines, and there’s nothing to fault it for regarding its story or characterization, but there’s not much here that is really too spectacular. In this season full of truly stellar shows, “Bart’s Dog” will have to settle with “pretty darn neato.”

Tidbits and Quotes
– I do love the bit where a jovial but annoyed Dr. Hibbert inquires how Marge got his home number, listens, then chuckles, commenting, “How ingenious.” This is also the first time we see the Hibbert family and household, all clearly an homage to The Cosby Show, an affectionate parody to the show’s then chief ratings rival.
– Of course there’s the great scene where an increasingly angry Homer tries to chew out his neighbor for accusing the dog is in her pool, believing he’s locked him up outside. His arrogance and fury over a situation we know he’s wrong about just builds up the inevitable laugh when he gets to the window and realizes he’s just made an ass of himself.
– We get a brief line from Troy McClure on the TV, a rare (maybe only) occasion of him being voiced by Dan Castellaneta (“As an actor, my eyeballs need to look their whitest!”)
– I do enjoy whenever we see the long-running soap opera on the show, whose name I forget. I’m also surprised they got away with showing the woman unzip her dress, revealing her bare back. Quite sultry. I also like “Father McGrath! I thought you were dead!” followed by a chipper “I was!”
– I like Homer’s accusatory speech at the free samples girl about roping people into making a purchase, all while spitting out cookie crumbs all over himself. Also his fool-proof plan of sticking the gigantic cookie on top of the cookie jar and putting a note on it. Santa’s Little Helper devours it ten seconds later.
– There’s a few more small things I do think are good, like the farm owner examining SLH’s pelt and genitals, and Lisa’s start of a new quilt depicting the destruction of the old one… but I don’t have much else to write about here, to be honest. Let’s move on.

(originally aired February 21, 1991)
NOTE: During the past week, I was visiting my hometown in New Jersey. However, that did not hinder my Simpsons obligations. I managed to burn through six episodes with two very good friends of mine, and together we recorded brief, five-minute commentaries for them. They’re quite rambling, misguided, and mostly disposable, but hey, they’re only five minutes, and if you’re reading this, chances are your time isn’t that valuable to begin with.

…well, here’s where the audio file would be, but Audacity crapped out and erased it after we recorded it. Which is too bad because it was actually the best one, very insightful. This write-up would only have paled in comparison.

Herbert Powell is a fascinating character. Firstly, I thought about how he’s never been reintroduced in newer shows. Desperate for ideas, recent episodes have drug up Lurleen Lumpkin and Santa’s Little Helper’s original owner, but Unky Herb has remained untouched. Then I moved onto thinking how rich of a character he is, a true testament to the show’s greatness that they can craft such a unique and staying personality in 22 minutes. He’s a very wealthy man, but unlike Mr. Burns, he worked hard for every cent he had, from working dead-end shit jobs to making his way through an Ivy league school to the successful vehicular mogul he is today. He’s a big-time tycoon, but he’s brash and impassioned, still feeling a connection to the average working man. That aspect would become his downfall when he invests too much trust in his newly discovered half-brother Homer Simpson.

We start our episode with Abe having suffered a minor heart attack upon seeing (and complaining about) the recent McBain film (which, of course, was amazing). He reveals to Homer an element of his sorted past involving a bastard child he had with a carnival floozy. How we still have any respect left for his character after this story astounds me, but dammit, the show manages to still elicit sympathy for this horny old man. Homer begins a frantic search for his lost kin, and eventually finds him in Detroit, Michigan in the form of Herb Powell, CEO of Powell Motors. Herb is a man with all the money in the world, but what he never had was a family, while Homer has a family, but no money whatsoever. The greatest exchange in the whole show, and one of the entire series, is after Herb holds Maggie for the first time, and tells his brother, “You’re the richest man I know.” Homer, still overwhelmed by Herb’s spacious estate, dumbly responds, “I feel the same about you.”

Becoming increasingly frustrated by his edgy competitors and his boardroom of numbskulls, Herb feels he needs the touch of the average Joe, enlisting Homer to design a car for him that will appeal to the masses. Blinded by his unusual sense of trust and elation of his new family, Herb leaves Homer to his own devices completely, opting to enjoy spending quality time with Marge and the kids. He effectively signs his own death warrant, and Herb has only himself to blame when ‘The Homer’ is revealed, an absolute assault on the eyes, an anachronism of every tacky car design and accessory you could possibly think of, for an absurd price of $82,000. There’s no safety net either; Herb’s company is bankrupt, and he leaves town gruffly asserting to Homer that he has no brother. We feel bad for Herb, but not as much as we do for Homer, who gets a minor lift at the end from Bart who compliments his car. It’s a wonderfully dark story of the rise and fall of a man’s empire, but also a funny and fascinating look at the boorish nature of the common consumer. We’d see Herb return for one more time next season to rebuild his fortune, but honestly, he’d be just as much of a memorable character if his story had ended right here.

Tidbits and Quotes
– Again, I can’t praise the brilliance of McBain enough (“Right now I’m thinking about holding another meeting: in bed.”)
– More great Homer mood swings: Marge tells her husband he’s got a call from the hospital. “The hospital?!” he worriedly responds, until he gets to the phone and gives a very casual, “Yello?” Followed by “Oh my God!!”
– That flashback… is so disturbing. It fits with the lecherous vision of younger Abe we saw in “The Way We Was.” Not only do we have discussions of “dunking the clown,” which is a euphemism I want no business in deciphering, we get the great line following it (“She did things your mother would never do. Like have sex for money.”) Also, it’s delightfully stupid that baby Herb has a beard line.
– Bart repeats more acceptable swears ad nausea like in “8th Commandment,” this time with “bastard.” I’m surprised they got away with it in 1991.
– The scene between Homer and the Orphanage director is so wonderful, as the director tries to allude as clearly as possible to his half-brother’s whereabouts, but Homer is so thick he can’t pick up on it (“Read between the lines, you fool!!”)
– Shame on me how I never mentioned Danny DeVito, who is absolutely perfect as Herb. The first scene in the boardroom is a tour de force; he gives Herb a sense of power, but also vulnerability in talking about how he has no roots. I also love the continued fake-out about how we never see his face to build up to the dramatic reveal to find… he looks exactly like Homer, but with hair and more brow lines.
– The scene where Herb gives Homer his assignment is filled with great lines, from chuckling about his cars having only fifty bucks worth of steel to his undermining of his employees, telling his brother to “tell the nice man what country you’re from.”
– Herb really has so many outs, so many ways he could have avoided the disastrous conclusion, but he turns a continual blind eye. Even more, he’s brazen about it, in the great scene where he gets a call from one of his higher-ups, and tells him to call back and say the opposite of what he just said. He then puts him on speaker to impress Bart and Lisa with falsified impressions of their father. The slow, calculated read of the employee is genius (“Homer Simpson is a… brilliant man with lots of… well thought-out, practical ideas. He is ensuring the financial security of this company for years to come. Oh yes, and his personal hygiene is above reproached.”)
– I love any time Homer gets incredibly passionate about something, and after Herb’s pep talk, he becomes a maniac. Especially great is when he slowly, then quickly and angrily crosses out and rips down the prototype sketch of the car off the wall.
– To be honest… I would love to drive that Homer car around. They constructed an actual Simpson house in Las Vegas, but I really wish someone would make a full-size version of that car. Any insanely wealthy fans out there? Anyone?

(originally aired February 14, 1991)
NOTE: During the past week, I was visiting my hometown in New Jersey. However, that did not hinder my Simpsons obligations. I managed to burn through six episodes with two very good friends of mine, and together we recorded brief, five-minute commentaries for them. They’re quite rambling, misguided, and mostly disposable, but hey, they’re only five minutes, and if you’re reading this, chances are your time isn’t that valuable to begin with.

These audio reviews will also be an excuse for me to write less. A bit of a cop out, but hey, I got four hundred episodes more, so cut me a break.

A great thing about the show for me was when the writers could take inherently jokey or stereotypical characters and make you see them as real people, but not betray their original natures. We saw it earlier, eliciting sympathy for the cunningly evil boss Mr. Burns in “Two Cars.” Here, we get a broader look at Marge’s sisters Patty and Selma. Up to this point, they existed to create grief for Homer, two one-note irritants permanently tied to his life to cause him misery. In that role, they’re fantastic characters, but here, we get to see them further fleshed out, seeing their hopes and aspirations, and their relationship with each other.

We first see that Selma is the softer of the two, who deep down wishes to settle down and start a family, while Patty is a bit more abrasive (Marge can put it better than me: “It’s Patty who chose a life of celibacy. Selma simply had celibacy thrust upon her.”) Saddened by her sister’s plight, Marge beckons Homer to find Selma a man. Side note, it’s a testament to Homer’s good nature that despite his seething hatred toward his wife’s sisters, he would do just about anything for Marge. His search ends with Principal Skinner, but due to Homer’s continued twin mix-up, he ends up hooking him up with Patty instead. The normally stuck-up stuffed shirt Skinner has now become as giddy as a schoolboy, head-over-heels in love with her. He’s really quite endearing, with a great performance by Harry Shearer; it takes a lot to take a line like, “Kiss me, Patty. I don’t have cooties” and make it work, but it totally does.

But the meat of this story lies with Patty and Selma, of how Skinner has become a wedge keeping them apart. Patty is apologetic over the situation, knowing the set-up was intended for her sister, but Selma remains adamant she not blow her chances at love like she had. Their scenes together throughout the show are the most interesting; we see these are two sisters who are primarily looking out for each other’s best interests, which leads to the inevitable conclusion that the only people they need are each other, in which Patty delicately dumps Skinner and saves Selma from a hell date with Barney. It’s one of the deeper early episodes, a real sweet episode, and given its subject matter and lack of focus on Bart or Homer, a forgotten gem.

Tidbits and Quotes
– The emotional trigger for the episode, Selma wanting a husband, couldn’t have been made more succinctly or fiercely. Attending the wedding of her co-workers, with the flashback of how they met; Selma could have been the lucky one, until Patty intervened. It even ties together with the ending. Absolutely perfect economy.
– Patty asleep on the couch… oh so disturbing…
– Here we get the first of many classic joke set-ups, where someone (usually Marge) alludes to a past event, which is then shown in photo or newspaper clipping form. Here, Marge refers to when Homer dragged the family to St. Louis to see the car shaped like a bowling pin. Homer fondly gazes at the photo at his bedside, a magnificent picture of Homer, in full tourist get-up with shades, posing with the car, with Marge off to the side, completely disinterested. All you need is the photo and you get the laugh. Another show starring a certain family guy would milk this situation for minutes in a lengthy flashback, but here we get the laugh quickly and perfectly and move on.
– Homer’s Terminator-esque search for a man was almost topical back then, but still remains funny. It’s one of the great Simpsons running gags that manages to keep being funny by escalating the ridiculousness. We get a great bit with Homer staring at a stranger (“Pro: Nice Stide, Con: Total Stranger), and then tops itself with the Laramie Billboard cowboy (“Pro: Smoker, Con: Just a Sign.”)
– We get first look at the Springfield Elementary Belltower, a structure that we’ve seen so many times since. At least we got a good Vertigo shot out of it.
– Homer Sexual may be one of my favorite Bart prank calls. And “Cons: Possible Homer Sexual” always kills me.
– First appearance of Groundskeeper Willie. Not much to say about it. …moving on.
– I love the Springfield Revolving Restaurant. It’s an early look at the overall stupidity of the whole town, like someone would invest money in this, which must cost a fortune, and the town would love it. It’s our first step toward the giant tower of Popsicle sticks and the escalator to nowhere.
– As sweet as he is in this show, Skinner hallucinating Patty’s head on Bart’s crude female stick figure body (with two giant circular breasts) and almost lusting over it is a tad disturbing.
– The show in its classic years has a lot more physical acting in it, which I love, but there’s also really small stuff that’s powerful. I can’t even place this one. Near her lowest point, Selma looks to the mouths of babes to cheer her up, asking Bart what he learned at school. Bart tells her that Skinner plans to propose to Patty. Selma sits stone-faced, and a single ash falls from her cigarette. I have no idea why this is effective, or what it means, but I absolutely love it. It may be my favorite part of the whole show.
– I love the disheveled Barney at Selma’s door (complete with his shirttail sticking out of his zipped fly), and his surprise upon looking at the label on the bottle he brought (“Schnapps?”)

(originally aired February 7, 1991)
NOTE: During the past week,  I was visiting my hometown in New Jersey. However, that did not hinder my Simpsons obligations. I managed to burn through six episodes with two very good friends of mine, and together we recorded brief, five-minute commentaries for them. They’re quite rambling, misguided, and mostly disposable, but hey, they’re only five minutes, and if you’re reading this, chances are your time isn’t that valuable to begin with.

These audio reviews will also be an excuse for me to write less. A bit of a cop out, but hey, I got four hundred episodes more, so cut me a break.

Homer/Lisa episodes have always been amongst my favorites, where the impulsive and hedonistic Homer must combat the moral compass that is his daughter. The plot-on-paper here is pretty cut-and-dry: Homer manages to get an illegal cable hook-up, and Lisa deals with the dilemma of scruples involved. From the opening at Mt. Sienna, we get right away this is a morality tale, with Moses laying down God’s commandments, with “Thou shalt not steal” befuddling the Homer expy of the time. In modern day, Homer is most ecstatic about his widened television options. The rest of the family is mixed: Bart is just as pleased as his father (especially upon discovering late-night nudie films), while Marge is mildly concerned about the legality, but is the quieter, less affirmative voice of reason. It’s up to Lisa to put her father back on the right path, but how?

First, a day at Sunday School strikes fear into Lisa over the possibility of her family being Hell-bound, which leads to a great sequence in which the living room morphs into the fiery pits below. Lisa then seeks help from Reverend Lovejoy, who suggests she perform a bit of a silent protest. The tension continues to build to the climax, a big house party Homer is throwing for an ultimate boxing match. Little items build up: concerns from his wife, a shifty return from the crooked cable guy, and catching Bart disobeying his orders not to watch X-rated TV (Bart bemoans, “I wish I was an adult so I could break the rules.”) Homer becomes even more frantic the night of the fight, hurriedly hiding other stolen items from guests and nearly breaking down before the police. His world is crumbling, but good wins out as he joins Lisa on the lawn during the fight, and cuts the cable.

It’s such a solid, sweet story, but this episode is also ripe with TV parodies given the subject matter. The first thing Homer sees on cable is a home shopping network pitch of a hideous clown figurine that no one has bought, and it brings a tear to his eye. Later, he watches a Seinfeld-esque comedian, who he’s much amused by (with the immortal line, and the most succinct summary of that type of comedy, “It’s funny because it’s true!”) There’s also the fight promotion and pre-show that’s great, with our first look at Drederick Tatum, the Simpsons universe’s Mike Tyson. We also see the introduction of Troy McClure, famous B-movie star who will do anything for a paycheck, including hawking a bogus teeth-whitening candy on a cheap infomercial. Phil Hartman is abound in this show, voicing McClure, the cable guy, and Moses in the opening. Like he was on SNL, he’s a valuable asset, and any character he voices is going to get a laugh. So yeah, this is a real good one.

Tidbits and Quotes
– Hartman scores immediately as Moses, who announces in a commanding, completely serious tone, “The Lord has handed down to us ten commandments by which to live! I will now read them in no particular order!” Then again, in the present, when Ned chews out the cable guy (“I should box your ears, you… you sneaky Pete!”), Hartman gives him a pandering, “Easy, tiger.”
– The “So You’ve Decided to Steal Cable” pamphlet is genius (“Myth: Cable piracy is wrong. Fact: Cable companies are big faceless corporations, which makes it okay.”) It’s also very fitting to Internet piracy today, which I of course never, ever, ever do. Ever. Maybe.
– I’d love to see entire versions of some of the stuff the family watches on TV: the Hear Me Roar network, for one. I want to see how to make your own band-aid with five yards of sterilized cotton.
– Odd that the Sunday School teacher claims that if anyone ever saw Hell, they would die, when Bart had been and left there a few episodes back.
– Bart in the car ride back endlessly repeating “Hell” is such a great kid moment, capped off by the great Marge line, “Bart, you’re no longer in Sunday School! Don’t swear!”
– I love the grocery clerk; he’s almost like the Charles Bronsan type, but even surlier. “I need a price check on two grapes!” kills me every time.
– Homer’s logic loophole for excusing his theft is bulletproof (“Look, Marge, I can’t afford it. when I can afford to pay for it, I will, but I can’t, so I’m not going to.”)
– They’ve played with Burns always forgetting who Homer is up to this point, but here’s where I first felt it to be extremely comical. His dinner at the Simpson house cost him the election, he was involved in a legal battle with them, but upon arriving for the fight, he mistakes Homer for Barney, not realizing a thing. Also, “Smithers, the Cheet-O’s” is such a great line, I always pronounce it like that, with both syllables emphasized.
– Homer’s moment of redemption is as begrudging as it gets, though we know he’s acknowledged what he’s doing is right… like it or not (“I hate to interrupt your judging me, but I wanted you to know that I’ve made a couple of really important decisions. Number 1: I’m cutting the cable as soon as the fight’s over, and Number 2: I’m not very fond of any of you.”)