(originally aired October 30, 1995)
I consider Treehouse of Horror IV, V and VI to be a trifecta of absolutely perfect Halloween episodes. I think this one is my favorite. The other two may be stronger overall, but I really love how each segment tops the previous one, and has a clever distinctive theme. First is “Attack of the 50-Foot Eyesores,” where all of the giant company mascots of Springfield come to live when Homer hijacks the giant donut held by Lard Lad of Lard Lad Donuts. To start, the title is brilliant, which leads to the idea of the segment: billboards and outdoor advertisements are such a visual assault to the landscape of a city… and now they’re a literal assault, destroying everyone and everything in sight. We get some great legally distinguishable parodies like Pep Boys (“Don’t scratch up them heads!”) and Mr. Peanut, who snaps open a car and eats the delicious people inside. The resolution is fabulous, where, as in real advertising, if no one pays attention to it, it’ll go away, ending the hideous rampage. The segment is sprinkled with a bunch of laughs, like Homer’s nonplussed attitude toward Lard Lad coming to life at his door, but I love the overall idea of this episode more than anything.

“Nightmare on Evergreen Terrace” is next, of course a riff on Nightmare on Elm Street. I can’t exactly say it’s a parody, it’s more like the show reenacting that film, with Groundskeeper Willie subbing for Freddy Kreuger. But that aside, it definitely makes up for it with a number of hilarious scenes, like how Willie died and vowed revenge in the first place, and all the dream sequences. This also has one of the more genuinely horrifying moments in a Halloween show when Martin is constricted and suffocated, with Russi Taylor giving a terrified death scream that’s pretty chilling (then of course made a joke of when Martin’s twisted corpse is revealed to his classmates, then accidentally wheeled into the kindergarten). Bart and Lisa conclude the only way to stop the madness is to confront Willie in dreamland, which is a great finale, with Willie taking several fantastical forms, the last of which being a giant spider with a bagpipe body. He’s also prone to quips and puns like Freddy; one line may be one of my favorite lines of any episode ever, “When I’m done with you, they’ll have to do a compost mortem!” Maggie saves the day, and then we have the very end, which I absolutely love. On a fresh new morning, Lisa posits Willie may not actually be dead, and can come back anytime in any form. Then a bus pulls up and Willie gets off, making some silly scary faces. The bus takes off, Willie bemoans he left his gun on the seat, and tells the Simpson children politely to stay there. So yeah, Willie was planning on shooting children in the face point blank. Then he chases after the bus and loses his shoe with a Benny Hill-style version of the Simpsons theme. It’s such a silly out-of-nowhere ending, but I love love love it.

Now for the main event: “Homer^3,” a parody of the Twilight Zone segment “Little Girl Lost” where Homer finds himself trapped in the third dimension. The CG animation may look a little primitive, but keep in mind this episode aired a mere month before Toy Story came out. The 3D segments were done by PDI, who would later merge with DreamWorks Animation. Having our characters stumble into 3D is such a visual treat and a really neat concept. I love the 3D environment, filled with random objects and equations, and a directional sign for the different axis. Of course Homer screws up this dimension just like his own, and his time is slowly running out. Professor Frink arrives at the Simpson home to give his hypothesis regarding this bizarre new world, starting with drawing an ordinary square (“Woah, woah, slow down, egghead!”) and adding onto it from the unheard of “z-axis” making a cube (or a Frinkahedron, in honor of its discoverer). Bart attempts a rescue mission, but is unsuccessful, as Homer is sent to an even more unforgiving universe… our own. Not only is this episode just really cool to look at, the ideas behind it are really interesting. Homer’s fascination of his newly weighted body in 3D makes me wonder how he must see himself and the world around him in his normal 2D world. But Homer finds a happy ending in an erotic cake store, discovering our world is just as odd and debased as his own. Not only is this episode alternatively hilarious and spooky, but it makes yah think too.

Tidbits and Quotes
– Homer is quite content driving down “the miracle mile,” full of giant mascots, “where value wears a neon sombrero and there’s not a single church or library to offend the eye.” He arrives at Lard Lad asking for the promoted “Colossal Donut.” Of course the product is just regular-sized. Homer cries false advertising, and vows he’ll get what he wants. Pimply Faced Teen pathetically counters, “You don’t scare us!”
– The scene of Homer, donned with pantyhose on his head, hooking the giant donut and taking off is pretty dramatic and intense, ending with Lard Lad angrily stepping off his perch and doing the Godzilla shriek. The other mascots take notice.
– Mission accomplished, Homer lies inside his giant donut, which takes up the entire living room, drinking a beer. Never mind how he got it in the house, just don’t think about it.
– Great bits with the various mascots, like Bart acting as the devil on the Red Devil Realty devil’s shoulder to get him to smash up the school, the giant Kent Brockman eating the real one, and of course Wiggum accidentally shooting the very tall captain of the high school basketball team (“Yeah, well… he was turning into a monster.”)
– I love the shot of Homer opening the door to Lard Lad’s giant face staring down at him. After tricking him once, Marge arrives and tells him to give him the donut (“Once he has it, that will be the end of all this horror!” “Well… okay. If it’ll end horror.”) Of course, it does nothing; Lard Lad rakes his donut across every roof on the block and continues his rampage. All hope is lost, which gives us a great Marge line (“These monsters are destroying everything and everyone we hold dear! And you kids should have jackets on.”)
– Paul Anka’s a random guest star, but I like how he shows up. The advertising head tries to pump out a jingle on his piano, then off-the-cuff comments it’d sound better coming from Paul Anka. Then, boom, we got Paul Anka to do a song. And plus, am I going to quibble about stuff not making sense in a Halloween show?
– The mascots are defeated, and fall to their deaths… crushing the hospital, the orphanage, and the birthplace of Norman Vincent Peale (how they randomly picked him, I’ve no idea). The last to go is Lard Lad, who falls over and loses his donut, which rolls out of town. This leads to the obligatory Kang and Kodos cameo, it’s always fun to see those two.
– Kent Brockman’s sign-off to the first segment is pretty great (“Lock your doors, bar your windows, because the next advertisement you see could destroy your house and eat your family!”) Cue commercial.
– I like the subtle style change at the start of the second segment, indicating a dream, with the more lusciously painted background and Tex Avery-style wild takes.
– Great back-and-forth when Bart screams himself awake. Homer calls from downstairs, concerned (“Bart, is that you?!” “Yes!” “Take out the garbage.”)
– Skinner appears on the schoolyard to calm the concerns of the kids (“Children, I couldn’t help monitoring your conversation. There’s no mystery about Willy. Why, he simply disappeared. Now, let’s have no more curiosity about this bizarre cover-up.”)
– Martin finishes his standardized test mere seconds after receiving it. An exasperated Edna tells him to put his head down and sit quietly. Martin is satisfied (“Ah, a duet of pleasures.”) His Latin dream is very in-character for him, and Willie appearing in it is quite chilling. And he gets a really great quip (“You’ve mastered a dead tongue, but can you handle a live one?”)
– I could quote every line from the flashback of Willie’s death, it’s just the best. “Stupid Smarch weather…” I love that Homer is inadvertently responsible for Willie’s fate, having raised the thermostat in the first place. I love the quick cuts of Willie’s attempts to escape, only to be thwarted by the measures to not pay for doorknob repair or fill the fire extinguishers (even though it was a free service from the fire department). Willie bursts in the classroom, engulfed in flames, begging for help, but is scolded for interrupting. So he sits in a seat and patiently waits, then burns to death.
– Once Willie is apparently defeated, Bart figures his dreams are back to normal, so he can get back to him and Krusty winning the Super Bowl. Willie reappears, and Krusty’s out of there (“Don’t dream about me no more, kid!”)
– The bit of Homer stepping through the invisible layer that turns him from 2D to 3D is so well done, and Homer is stunned by what he sees, mentally processing this unthinkable new reality (“Oh, glory of glories. Oh heavenly testament to the eternal majesty of God’s creation.”) Sadly, he can’t vocalize such eloquence (“Holy macaroni!”)
– I love how ineffectual the family is at trying to find Homer. They call Ned over to put a ladder in the living room, climb it and look around. What are they looking for?
– Great bit with Homer attempting to describe where he is, asking if anyone’s seen Tron for reference. Just like in real life, no one saw it… except for Wiggum, who immediately takes it back.
– Nice minor animated touch where Frink’s hair flops up as Wiggum fires into the wall. The bullets enter the 3D world and are immediately sucked into the ever-growing hole. Homer laments, “There’s so much I don’t know about astrophysics. I wish I’d read that book by that wheelchair guy.”
– Bart attempts to climb to the edge of the XYZ pole, but tells his father he’s got to jump over to reach him across the incredibly wide chasm. Homer is confident he’ll make it (“Piece of cake, son!”) but he barely jumps at all before he almost immediately falls into the hole. Back in 2D, Bart explains what happened (“We hit a little snag when the universe sort of collapsed on itself. But Dad seemed cautiously optimistic.”)

Completed unrelated note: updated my Disney Animated Canon blog with Winnie the Pooh. Now it’s all up to date. DreamWorks blog coming soon…

(originally aired October 15, 1995)
Considering Lisa has an incredibly ethically and socially conscious mind, it’s easy to turn her into a mouthpiece for adult issues, but one must always remember she’s still a young child. Here, we see her adopt a new cause, but ends up composing herself in a slightly immature way, only to butt heads with an equally immature father. The cause, if you couldn’t decipher from the title, is vegetarianism. Following a trip to a petting zoo, Lisa finds she can’t bring herself to eat a lamb chop after having bonded with an adorable little sheep earlier. Homer is absolute aghast, not so much incensed, but just completely befuddled at the concept that someone can not eat meat. He meanwhile, in a misguided attempt to one-up Ned’s family reunion barbecue next door, decides to old one of his own, so the stage is set for Lisa to be alienated for her beliefs in her own home.

It really does suck to be Lisa sometimes, stuck in a town full of small-minded, easily manipulated citizens. Her protests against dissecting worms and for vegetarian options at the cafeteria are met with hostility, and eventually a moral steamrolling through an educational film played in class, the classic Troy McClure reel “The Meat Council Presents: Meat and You: Partners in Freedom.” Unsurprisingly, it is staunchly pro-meat. Soon the day of the big barbeque arrives, and Lisa’s attempts to introduce an option of gazpacho are met with derisive laughter (yet another instance where grown adults laugh mockingly or boo young children. What’s with this town?) Lisa snaps and carts out Homer’s piece de resistance, a whole suckling pig, sending it down a steep hill, which through a series of events ends up launched far across town. It’s here that Homer and Lisa’s childish feud begins; while Homer being infantile is nothing new, Lisa’s actions are just as low, acting incredibly abrasive toward her father just because he eats meat. She ends up leaving the house in a huff.

In an overwhelmingly carnivorous world, Lisa starts to feel like she doesn’t stand a chance. But at her wit’s end, she discovers that Apu is a vegetarian too, who takes her to his peaceful meditation garden on the roof of the Kwik-E-Mart. There, along with special guests Paul and Linda McCartney, Lisa learns that she needs to be tolerant of other people’s beliefs, and that there are better ways to influence people than to just be belligerent. Now, two things about the McCartneys. One, their colored irises creep me out. The show should never do that. Two, they are pretty unnecessary guest stars. It makes more sense that Lisa confide in some she know, and Apu’s the one who ultimately gives her the message. The McCartneys are just kind of there, though I like the fake-out where Paul asks Lisa if she wants to hear a song, and then Apu starts playing “Sgt. Pepper’s.” We end with a reconciliation between Homer and Lisa, ending with a piggyback… err, veggie-back ride. Kinda reminiscent of “Lisa’s Pony.” That episode was awesome, and so was this one.

Tidbits and Quotes
– Storytown Village (Fun for Ages 1 to 7 1/2) is a great set piece, with crappy animatronics (like “Radio Bart”), Grampa sleeping in Baby Bear’s bed (“Well, I’m sorry but it was 150 degrees in the car!”) and the three increasingly more adorable sheep (the second sheep attempts to get some more love, but Homer shoves him out of the way). Also, Lisa fawning over the little baby lamb is adorable, in a great performance by Yeardley Smith.
– Here’s a perfect Simpsons joke: seeing Lisa with the lamb, Marge asserts that it was a good idea to come to the petting zoo after all. Then a gruff voice comes over the loudspeaker (“Attention, families. This is Mother Goose. The following cars have been broken into…”) Now, you immediately know the Simpson car was one of them, so there’s no need to even dwell on it. We then cut to them pulling into their driveway, the back window completely smashed. You get your laughs as the episode continues forward.
– The Flanders family reunion, with all of Ned’s relatives looking and acting like him, is a tad disturbing, but funny, of course, especially his English relation Lord Thistlewick Flanders, who adapts Flanders-isms begrudgingly (“Charmed… eh, a googily doogily.”)
– Homer is aghast that Lisa won’t eat any more animals. No bacon? Ham? Pork chops? Lisa informs him that’s all the same animal. Homer is incredulous (“Yeah, right Lisa. A wonderful, maaaaagical animal.”)
– I love the independent thought alarms, triggered by Miss Hoover and Lunchlady Doris. Skinner is perturbed at two outbursts in one day, and instructs Willie to remove the colored chalk from every classroom. Willie knew this day would come (“I warned ya! Didn’t I warn ya?! That colored chalk was forged by Lucifer himself!”)
– Great Itchy & Scratchy cartoon: at a fancy restaurant, Itchy serves Scratchy his own bloated stomach. He cuts off a piece and eats it, only for it to come out his stomach. He repeatedly eats the same piece, then Itchy comes over with the bill, which causes Scratchy’s head to explode. I love the small detail that Itchy boxes up the one repeatedly eaten piece for Scratchy before giving him the bill. Bart’s laughing, but Lisa isn’, as she’s come to a shocking discovery )”I never realized before, but some Itchy & Scratchy cartoons send the message that violence against animals is funny.”)
– Homer’s barbeque invitation, shaped like a pig, is great: “Come to Homer’s BBBQ. The extra B is for BYOBB.” (“What’s the extra ‘B’ for?” “That’s a typo.”)
– Skinner introduces the pro-meat film (“So, in the interest in creating an open dialogue, sit silently and watch this film.”) This has got to be one of the best Troy McClure films, the number of classic bits and lines in it are so high. Troy swiping his finger over the cow’s back and licking it, explaining the killing floor not actually being a floor, little Jimmy getting completely traumatized, the scientist getting cut off, the food chain (with all animals leading to be eaten by humans), the stock footage of animals eating other animals (culminating in a shark pulling down a gorilla into the water), and the dramatic look into a cow’s dead eyes (“If a cow ever got the chance, he’d eat you and everyone you care about!”) Lisa is utterly offended by the film (“They can’t seriously expect us to swallow that tripe!”) Skinner takes her set-up for a slam dunk punchline (“Now as a special treat courtesy of our friends at the Meat Council, please help yourself to this tripe.”) The kids of course all chow down.
– Good callback joke to “Treehouse of Horror” where Homer uses an entire can of lighter fluid and then some on his grill, then hits the gas… and a normal flame comes up.
– I like how Lisa was ultimately in the wrong for what she did; Homer’s barbecue was going great and he was proud, and then she disposed of the pig. But of course Homer’s immature nature takes over and both are equally reprehensible, with the great back-and-forth over breakfast where they avoid having to talk to each other directly.
– The ending really is sweet. I especially like Lisa’s low-key “Hi, dad. Looking for me?” Followed by Homer’s quick nonchalant turn “I dunno. You looking for me?” Both know they need to make amends, but are equally embarrassed about their behavior. Homer apologizes, not even knowing why, and is shocked to hear Lisa says she was wrong… too. She still stands by her beliefs, but apologizes to her father for what she did. Homer of course accepts (“I understand, honey. I used to believe in things when I was a kid.”)
– The one great thing about the McCartneys being on the show is having “Maybe I’m Amazed” over the credits, with a subliminal message played backwards: a recipe for a “really ripping” lentil soup.

(originally aired October 8, 1995)
This is another one of those episodes that I remember seeing on syndication a lot, so it really sticks out to me. It remains one of my favorites, harboring a very interesting introspective journey for Bart, along with one of the silliest B-plots ever, and despite it being completely unrelated, the episode still completely works. The plot goes like this: Milhouse rats out Bart for a prank he pulled in church, fearing the fate of his soul. When Bart chastises him for such a foolish belief, Milhouse gets him to sell him his soul for five bucks, as embodied on a sheet of paper reading “Bart Simpson’s Soul.” I love the very kid-like conversation the two have on the concept of souls, with Milhouse claiming it can swim and is equipped with wheels to get to the afterlife. I also like his unusually vindictive turn on Bart when he returns later to ask for his “soul” back. For once, the ball’s in his court and he’s going to savor each moment.

When the trade is made, Bart starts to experience a bizarre sense of emptiness, unable to laugh at Itchy & Scratchy or enter an automatic door, like something very important is missing. We get one of the most classic dream sequences in the series of children and their souls rowing to a divine promise land, but Bart is stuck without a partner to oar with. All of this is dealt with very innocently at first, but grows more and more grave as Bart gets increasingly desperate. He even attempts to acquire a replacement soul from an unwitting Ralph, although the way in which he would do that isn’t clear. Bart finds out Milhouse sold his soul to the comic book store for ALF pogs (“Remember ALF? He’s back, in pog form!”) My favorite shot of the show is Bart in the fetal position sleeping in front of the Android’s Dungeon until it opens; it’s the perfect transition and depiction of how low he has sunk. Comic Book Guy informs Bart his soul has already been sold, which eventually brings Bart to his last option: prayer. Evoking as much true emotion as his previous attempt at prayer in “Bart Gets An F,” his wishes are similarly granted, but this time by an eavesdropping Lisa, revealed to be the mysterious buyer.

This all sounds a little thin to take up twenty-two minutes. Well you’d be right, and do I have the B-story for you. Moe decides to cash in on the recent craze of family-friendly restaurants by turning his rundown tavern into a T.G.I. Fridays-esque eatery, Uncle Moe’s Family Feedbag. Boy do I love everything about this subplot, the classic moments are endless: “But Moe, the dank! The dank!”, his Navy-owned deep fryer that can flash-fry a buffalo in forty seconds (“Forty seconds? But I want it now!”), his furious straining to maintain a grin during his commercial… it’s all so great. And the million dollar birthday fries! That and all the other “fun” names for simple foods (try the southwestern pizza fingers, they’re awesomely outrageous!) Sadly, the restaurant doesn’t last long as Moe’s short temper gets the best of him. What I like is that there’s really only two scenes at Uncle Moe’s, but the ending of Moe losing it is set up in the first scene, which leads in his frustration building and building in the second scene, only to be unleashed at an innocent little girl and her cold teeth in perhaps the greatest Moe line (“Your teef hurt? That’s too freakin’ bad! You hear me! I’ll tell you where you can put your freakin’ sodie too!!”) How brilliant this show is that they can maintain two stories that couldn’t be more different tone-wise, but never clash and feel like a whole. Amazing.

Tidbits and Quotes
– Bart’s “In The Garden of Eden, by I. Ron Butterfly” prank is amazing, with Homer naughtily reminding Marge about how they used to make out to this “hymn,” and Lovejoy’s slow realization, “This sounds like rock and or roll!”
– Bart assures Milhouse that the soul was just made up to scare kids “like the Boogeyman or Michael Jackson.” Milhouse responds, “But every religion says there’s a soul, Bart. Why would they lie? What would they have to gain?” Cut to Lovejoy sorting out a wave of change from the collection plate. Pitch perfect social commentary.
– The role of Hibbert’s kids basically lost its purpose when the show was no longer up against The Cosby Show. I’m probably wrong, but this may be the last time we see them. I always laugh at Hibbert’s daughter’s innocent comment, “Daddy, this place smells like tinkle,” and the other kids exciting suggestions of other crazy restaurants to eat at (including the mouthful “Professor P. J. Cornucopia’s Fantastic Foodmagorium and Great American Steakery.” I want that to exist so I can go there right now). We also get the classic Barney line, “Natural light! Get it off me!”
– I love that Bart bought those little foam dinosaurs, since I did those all the time as a kid… and occasionally as an adult. I like his fantasy of the dinosaur growing to actual size and chewing up Lisa (“It’s dripping funny-smelling water all over me!”), but of course, in actuality, the piece of foam just floats into the storm drain.
– This episode’s full of great quick lines: Rod and Todd’s “Thank you, door!”, Jimbo’s “Way to breath, no-breath!” and Apu’s “Sanjay to the entrance with the Windex… Sanjay to the entrance with the Windex.” Three classic lines in one scene!
– As I said, every Uncle Moe scene is great: the entire bar is being renovated, with everything covered with sheets, including Barney. Homer throws out two possible names (Chairman Moe’s Magic Wok, Madman Moe’s Pressure Cooker) both of which Barney likes. Moe suggests, “Uncle Moe’s Family Feedbag,” which Barney hates.
– I love how merciless Milhouse is, toying with a clearly despondent Bart. The snappy animation of Milhouse’s “Yeeeeeesss?” when Bart first comes up to him (then followed by “Noooo”) is hilarious, as is his feeble attempt to do an evil laugh.
– Moe’s commercial is hilarious, especially the end with the poor jingle (“Come to Uncle Moe’s for family fun, it’s good good good good, good good good!”) and the hysterical animation of him attempting to hold his grin to the camera, which is definitely physically hurting him.
– Very sweet moment when Marge can tell something’s wrong with Bart, and attempts to decipher it with hugs. She boils it down to he’s missing something, and when Bart suggests maybe it’s a missing soul, Marge chuckles off her son’s amusing “joke” (“Aw, honey, you’re not a monster.”)
– I love Moe first losing it after being innocently squirted by Ralph with a water pistol (“What the hell are you doing, you little freak?!”) and his hasty apology (“Sorry, kid, sorry. I’m not used to the laughter of children. It cuts through me like a dentist drill. But no, no, that was funny, that was funny taking away my dignity like that, ha-ha-ha.”)
– Hilarious act break when Bart runs out of the restaurant, and Homer’s brain urges him to support his son so he can eat his spaghetti and Moe-balls. And he does, with his mouth stuffed (“Run, boy! Run for your life! …..boy!”)
– That last Uncle Moe scene, I could just quote the whole thing, it’s one of my favorite scenes of the entire series. But I’ll just quote one line: “Ow! My freakin’ ears!” Another use of Rod and Todd as overly impressionable youngsters. And Ned’s indignant “I’d expect that kind of language at Denny’s, but not here!” is fantastic.
– Totally random addition of the insane street sweeper who drives his vehicle down a subway station… but I love it’s there.
– Brilliant performance by Dan Castellaneta as the raving derelict, who talks so fast that you can barely make out what he’s saying. Neither can Wiggum (“Who’s been stealing your thoughts?”)
– I love how cranky Kirk Van Houten is, perhaps justified in that it’s 2am (“Milhouse, give him back his soul, I’ve got work tomorrow!”) The finale of the scene with Bart running out screaming is so funny (“Close the door, you’re letting the heat out!” “Shut up, shut up, shut up!!“) Man, Kirk is pissed.
– This really seems like it’s gonna be the Comic Book Guy season, who is a tremendous one scene wonder here (“Excuse me, no banging your head on the display case, please. It contains a very rare Mary Worth in which she has advised a friend to commit suicide. Thank you.”)
– An incredibly satisfying end note with the follow-up to Bart’s dream: with his soul back, he’s able to row to Nirvana comfortably, but not before knocking over Martin’s boat, almost drowning his soul. That mischievous little scamp.

Completely unrelated note: updated my Disney Animated Canon blog with Tangled.

(originally aired October 1, 1995)
Despite FOX promos claiming they put the ‘fun’ in ‘dysfunctional,’ the Simpsons are a mostly competent family unit, and moreover, they love and need each other. From the first scene, and as we’ve seen in many episodes prior, Marge is the never-tiring glue that keeps everything running smoothly, and we see that Homer and the kids respect her for it, at least unconsciously. They may not always admit it, they occasionally take her for granted, but they’re well aware of all that mother Simpson does for them. As thanks, Homer managed to score his wife an afternoon away at a luxury spa (“You work yourself stupid for this family. If anyone deserves to be wrapped up in seaweed and buried in mud, it’s you.”) But of course, everything goes to shit in Simpsons fashion as happenstance events compound each other in a ridiculous degree. When Bart and Lisa end up in rough shape at school, social services is called to find the Simpson home an absolute wreck. From all this, the kids are sent to live at a foster home… right next door at the Flanders abode.

This is definitely one of the more intimate, emotional episodes we’ve seen in a while, with scenes of Homer and Marge wandering around their empty house missing all the noise, and Bart and Lisa reminiscing about their parents (“Remember how Mom used to microwave our underwear on cold days?” “Or the way Dad used to call the radio station with fake traffic?”) It’s all incredibly sweet and moving, and through the entire episode you want nothing more than for our beloved characters to be reunited. Going off that, you never feel any ill will regarding the Flanders family. Ned claims to be impartial and nonjudgmental regarding the Simpson parents and does his darndest to give the kids a good, hearty home. But it’s Flanders hearty: cucumbers with cottage cheese and Bible trivia only serve to disturb Bart and Lisa and make them yearn for their own home even more. Meanwhile, Homer and Marge attend court-ordered family skills classes to get their kids back, learning important home safety tips (“Put your garbage in a garbage can, people. I can’t stress that enough. Don’t just throw it out the window.”)

Our climax occurs when Flanders learns that the Simpson kids were never baptized. He’s sat idly by with a lot, but this is the last straw. So it’s off to the Springfield River as Homer and Marge make haste to save their children. I love how this seemingly puerile act takes on such a dramatic, almost horrific angle as Flanders slowly tips his goblet of holy water over Bart’s head, much to Homer’s terror. The slow-mo sequence of him pushing Bart out of the way and taking the proverbial bullet is hilarious, as is the sizzling sound effect when the water hits his head and he writhes in pain (and his brief moment of Biblical clarity following: “Oh, Bartholomew, I feel like St. Augustine of Hippo after his conversion by Ambrose of Milan.” “Wait! Homer, what did you just say?” “I said shut your ugly face, Flanders!”) There’s also an interesting through-line about Maggie, her young impressionable mind seeming to prefer the more loving atmosphere at Casa de Flanders. In the end, it looks she’s going to choose the Flanders flock, until Marge comes into view, and mother and daughter have a lovely reconciliation. “Maggie, you’re a Simpson again.” Belch. That just sums it up right there.

Tidbits and Quotes
– I like how largely all of the pieces that put together the unfit household puzzle are set up very innocuously: the old newspapers, the “stupid baby” note (“Stupid babies need the most attention,”) and a out-of-sorts Grampa (“A disheveled and malnourished man found sleeping in his own filth, seems confused and dehydrated.”) The house was in a bit too big of a mess, and I doubt someone as smothering as Marge would miss that Bart had lice, but now I’m just nitpicking. It was all set up perfectly.
– I love the flashback of how Homer got the tickets. The look on his face when he’s staring forward with the monocle jerking the steering wheel back and forth is hilarious.
– Great disturbing moment at the spa when an off-screen mafia goon gleefully takes off his robe in front of Homer and Marge in the steam room.
– I love the whistling of Lisa’s speech when her tooth falls out. I think they perfectly gave her dialogue with “s” and “th” sounds so they could really emphasize the effect. Also great is the social worker’s condescending attitude to her (“Don’t you worry, little girl. We’ll get you some nice county dentures.”)
– Classic Grampa line when Homer confronts him (“We leave you the kids for three hours and the county takes them away?!” “Oh, bitch, bitch, bitch!”)
– Rod and Todd’s printing press is such a wonderfully lame activity. It’s first used as a joke with “Extra Extra! Todd Smells!” (“Bart, I don’t know if this should be an ‘extra.'” “Is your source on this reliable?”) and later it’s brought back exquisitely as a touching act break (“Simpson Kids Miss Mom and Dad.”)
– The Itchy & Scratchy here is particularly brutal, with Itchy posing as a baby at Scratchy’s doorstep, who then smashes his bottle, pierces the cat twice in the chest, then loots his TV leaving the cat to bleed to death, pleading, “Why?” Rod and Todd’s traumatized reactions and their extremely impressionable questions (“Dad, should I poke Rod with a sharp thing like the mouse did?”) is a spectacular satire on what overzealous media censorship nazis think the effect of such movies and shows have on kids.
– Great shot of the statue of John Swartzwelder on a horse in front of the courthouse.
– Agnes Skinner is at the family skills class, who is in danger of losing Seymour after another fight over that damn bath pillow, as previously argued about in “The Springfield Connection.”
– Here we have Cletus in his second appearance, and the first time he’s named, I think, in a great, great scene with Homer where they role play father and son. “Pa, I cut my finger on the screen door again.” For some reason, Homer is incensed by this and strangles him (even adapting a more country-fied “Why you cotton pickin’!!”) Remembering he needs to pass the course to get his kids back, he backs down, “Son, let’s stop the fussin’ and the feudin’.” He has a tearful embrace with Cletus, prompting the class to wildly applaud, complete with select gun shots.
– It’s a minor bit, but I like that Maude has two stickers on each cheek from Bible trivia. Not only is it a cute visual, but I’m sure she knew most of the answers and let her boys answer, but also participated herself to show she was into the game. Bart and Lisa, of course, can’t answer one. When Lisa reveals the kids were never baptized, Ned faints straight away. A panicked Maude gets some smelling salts to revitalize him, which works, until Ned says, “No, that ain’t gonna do it,” and faints again.
– Everybody passes their parenting class… except for Marge who tested positive for crack and PCP. This is obviously an easily remedied mix-up, leading to a tremendous Marge quote (“The only thing I’m high on is love… love for my son and daughters. Yes, a little LSD is all I need.”)
– Ned is rendered a babbling mess about the baptism situation and calls the Reverend for guidance. Lovejoy of course is very annoyed (“Ned, have you thought about one of the other major religions? They’re all pretty much the same,”) and hangs up to find his model train has wrecked (“Damn Flanders.”) There’s a great callback later when a new train environment Lovejoy is getting delivered is smashed to bits by the speeding Simpson car. He looks to the heavens and asks the Almighty, “Why do you hate my trains?”
– I love Homer’s mocking attempt to think like Flanders (“I’m a big four-eyed lame-o, and I wear the same stupid sweater every day and…”) and how that gets him to the correct location of the Springfield River. Also great how Ned’s “I (HEART) Your Children” bumper sticker drives Homer into a rage as he runs off into the woods.

(originally aired September 24, 1995)
Bloated big budget Hollywood pictures are prime targets for sharp satire, but this episode isn’t so much interested in that as much as just doing a bunch of silly gags, but since said gags are really funny, who am I to complain? Hollywood executives are producing a film version of Radioactive Man (starring McBain’s Rainier Wolfcastle) to be filmed in Springfield, much to the pleasure of Mayor Quimby, who levies as many taxes on them as he can get away with. Auditions are held for the superhero’s ward, Fallout Boy. Bart is eager to get cast, but it ends up going to a greatly reluctant Milhouse. Production halts when Milhouse, sick and tired of the life of an actor, runs off, and when a last minute swap for Mickey Rooney doesn’t work, the film is hastily cancelled.

I really like the concept of someone getting fame thrust upon them against their will, and it certainly makes sense with Milhouse. He’s the eternal second banana, and has no real urge to change that. I like his melancholy attitude through the whole production, which later turns to a weird seething anger regarding the repetitive nature of the business (“We already did it. It took seven hours, but we did it. It’s done.“) Things get a bit weirder in the third act when Bart finds Milhouse in hiding, who expresses his displeasure about Hollywood and how he could be curing diseases or stopping famine. It leads into a jokey monologue by Bart, but it would have fit more if he’d just expressed his lack of interest of being in the spotlight. But the story has a competent balance between Milhouse, and Bart, who has to fight between being jealous and being supportive of his best friend.

While not as much as I’d hoped, there’s plenty of great pokes at Hollywood, mostly from the fast-talking director, building people up with great enthusiasm before cutting them down, and not being bothered to check whether his actors are actually at risk. It’s all worth it for his artistic vision. Wolfcastle works perfectly as the title role, our pseudo Schwarzeneggar, who gets a number of great scenes (“Up and atom!” “Up and at them!”), culminating with one of the most quoted lines of the entire series, “My eyes! The goggles do nothing!” Mickey Rooney proved to be a great guest, giving Milhouse a pep talk, and then later scolding the town of Springfield for driving those good-hearted Hollywood folks out of town (“They weren’t thinking about the money. They just wanted to tell a story, a story about a radioactive man, and you slick small-towners took ’em for all they were worth.”) Which leads to the hilarious end which seems to take place in a very normal and believable version of Hollywood, where the failed production crew are met with open arms and open hearts. It’s truly a forgiving, accepting place, ending on “Lean On Me.” Wonderful.

Tidbits and Quotes
– Noticeable right off the bat is the change in animation this episode. This was the show’s first test at using digital color rather than painting on cels. Some years later, they would try this again (“Tennis the Menace,”) then the show would go all digital starting in season 14.
– We’ve seen Comic Book Guy a select few times in the past, but rather infrequently. I think it’s not until the increasing advent of social networking on computers that he took off, adapting the anal-retentive Internet geek persona, almost mocking the die hard Simpsons fans. Bart and Milhouse pride themselves on collectively owning every Radioactive Man (including the special limited-edition issue where he and Fallout Boy get killed on every page), and wish to know who’s playing the lead in the Radioactive Man picture. So it’s off to the Internet! The animation of CBG waddling to his computer in the back room is hilarious, where he consults alt.nerd.obsessive, most likely referencing the old alt.tv.simpsons newsgroup.
– Amazing parody of the old Batman TV series with Radioactive Man, with guest star Paul Lynde as the Scoutmaster (“Don’t be afraid to use your nails, boys!”), which of course ends with beach party music and dancing girls.
– The producers flip through Variety, and one of them singles out the very small “FLIM SPRINGFIELD” ad (“All right, this place must be hot. They don’t need a big ad, or even correct spelling!”) Another producer responds, “I agree with that logic.” It’s like the writers knew how stupid this plot turn was to get them in Springfield, so they point it out with a good joke.
– I always laugh at the “We ‘HEART’ Phonies” banner up in downtown Springfield.
– It’s pretty much unrelated to the story, but I love the traumatic flashback to Moe’s Little Rascals days, where he killed the original Alfalfa after he stole his “eye in the exhaust pipe” bit. It’s great that a stagehand refers to the poor boy as “the original Alfalfa” in the flashback, and Moe’s afterward to his story (“Luckily, Alfalfa was an orphan owned by the studio.”)
– The director at the auditions has a lot of great bits, from not going with the perfect choice (Martin) because he didn’t sign in (“Oh, forget him, then. It wouldn’t be fair to the other children who filled out their application forms in full,”) and then building Bart’s hopes up twice before rejecting him.
– I love how after Milhouse gets the part, he’s immediately swarmed by fans and runs home, only to find his parents have already bought a living room full of stuff, like somehow they knew already. And great, great elaborate prop of the scuba suit.
– Good timing on the first Milhouse exploding in front of Bart, and then the second, which ends up being the little person actor who we’ve seen in “Burns’ Heir” and “Homie the Clown.” That poor guy can’t catch a break.
– Great sequence where Homer and the teamsters fight over who’s the laziest, culminating in them all writhing on the floor stretching and making loud relaxed noises.
– The whole conceit of the power plant scene is so ridiculous. Why would they use real acid? It’s like the ultimate form of method acting. I like how worried Rainier is after the director announces it, seemingly hearing of it for the first time (“Real acid?”) And how exactly was Milhouse supposed to bring him to safety that he couldn’t do himself? And why was there no safety mechanism to bring him up? And why didn’t Wolfcastle suffer extreme acid burns or die after getting swept up in a gigantic tidal wave? None of this matter of course, since we have “My eyes! The goggles do nothing!”
– Great joke regarding the spinning newspapers, a gag we’ve seen many times in this show and other shows. We get two ones about Milhouse being missing, then a third one reading “Spinning Newspaper Injures Printer.”
– The best scene of the episode is the shifty editor claiming they can finish the movie by splicing together shots of Milhouse with new footage. So Wolfcastle and Milhouse are surrounded by some thugs underground. Cut to Wolfcastle whispering to his sidekick off screen. Cut to the two of them in a bright open field so Milhouse can say his line. Cut to Wolfcastle again whispering, “Are you ready?” Cut to Milhouse on a green room couch, with a flat, “Yes.” Cut to the two of them punching aliens on the moon. Absolutely stellar work (“Seamless, huh?” “You’re fired.” “And with good cause!”)
– Great bits as Bart searches for Milhouse: he’s not at Slot Car Haven where Comic Book Guy and Otto are racing, not at the Spirograph Factory, where the owner has gone mad, but he is at the treehouse, with a great joke featuring a repeat pan to the apparently six corners of the treehouse before we finally land on Milhouse.
– I love how dramatically Mickey Rooney shows up in the helicopter. It’s ridiculous, but then they have a joke explaining how he found them, by tapping their tin can and string phone. If they did this now, there’d be no explanation; celebrities just show up randomly and it’s all good. But here, the Mickster’s so funny, and a real good sport to say “Jiminy Jillickers!” and comment how he could easily sub in for a little girl in a JELL-O pudding commercial.