(originally aired April 13, 1997)
I gotta tell you, I’m not quite sure where to start with this one. There were so many elements to it that confused me or just didn’t work… so I guess I’ll take it from the top. Shenanigans begin when Bart gets his hands on a credit card under his dog’s name (I do like how Santa’s Little Helper becomes Santos L. Halper) and goes on a spending spree. Amongst the extravagant items he buys is a pure bred collie named Laddie, who is basically the most perfect of perfect dogs. It isn’t long before all of Bart’s purchases are repossessed, and in a knee-jerk decision, Bart has Santa’s Little Helper taken in Laddie’s place, eventually leading to his great remorse of this decision. The rest of the family is basically in the dark about most of this, for reasons that escape me. Bart gives them all lavish gifts and has a room full of expensive junk and nobody says anything? He also claims he got Laddie at a church carnival two towns over at a “truth-telling contest.” I get it’s supposed to be a joke, but there’s so many points in this episode I feel like Marge or even Homer would say something about what’s happening, but everyone just kind of goes along with it. It didn’t make a lot of sense to me.

This is an episode that kind of needs to hinge on Bart’s relationship with Santa’s Little Helper… except it doesn’t really show it. In the first act we see the dog clumsily knock into the front door and stare into the window for hours on end, but not much affection is given to the poor mutt. There’s one scene where Bart hugs the dog after receiving the phony credit card, but it’s not really something that’s genuine, he’s just glad using the dog as a pawn in his scheme worked. He ignores his dog when Laddie comes into the picture, and then later feels bad when he gives him away, which all could have worked if we had more build-up showing the love for his dog. Of course we know that Bart loves him, as we’ve seen in “Bart vs. Thanksgiving” and “Dog of Death,” but thinking back to those episodes only makes this one feel more ramshackle. Toward the end, we find that a blind man now owns Santa’s Little Helper and Bart must get him back. This is a tough pill to swallow, even knowing how much those two love each other, but in this episode, it’s even worse given that I don’t even buy Bart loves the dog. I’d rather he stay with the poor blind man.

This episode marks a first, at 173 episodes in, this is the first one I felt like turning off. After getting Lisa’s blessing for robbing the blind man (what?!), Bart’s sneaking into his house is so tedious, we get cloying out-of-character Bart pleading with the man and a hackneyed bit where they let the dog decide ownership (what is this, Air Bud?) Not even the marijuana twist at the end can save it. The show just felt incredibly thin, where nothing important really happens in the second act at all, it’s just filling time before Bart decides to get the dog back. There are a few good jokes and amusing parts, but a lot of it felt pretty dead to me. It set up a situation where Bart’s antics and behavior went too far, and I found myself rooting against him. Even at his lowest pathetic point, I didn’t think he deserved the dog back. It’s just a really scatterbrained episode that misses most of its marks.

Tidbits and Quotes
– I guess it’s good satire that even Bart’s phony application is good enough for “MoneyBank” to get him a card. I like how he lists his income, “Whatever I finds, I keeps.”
– Bart finds out pretty quickly he can’t get away using his card at local vendors, such as Comic Book Guy (“Your phony credit card is no good here. Now make like my pants, and split!”)
– I like the voice over of Bart’s pachinko machine (“You winner! Ha ha ha!”) and Lisa’s ticked reaction to her new pep pills (Trucker’s Choice).
– I love the condescending, but cheerful speech the creditor gives Bart on the phone (“Because you sound like a mature, responsible person who wouldn’t want an unpaid credit card bill to spoil all his hopes and dreams for the future. Dreams such as home ownership, boat ownership and event-attendance!”) Bart decides enough is enough and has Laddie bury the credit card. Fat Tony and his goons bury a body alongside him (“We didn’t see nothin’ if you didn’t see nothin’!”)
– Mr. Burns likes Laddie? What happened to “Dogs are idiots!” Then again he did take a shine to one of Santa’s Little Helper’s puppies. But then again, he wanted to skin the rest of them.
– Milhouse indignantly recalls an incident with Santa’s Little Helper (“Remember the time he ate my goldfish, and you lied to me and said I never had any goldfish? Then why did I have the bowl, Bart? Why did I have the bowl?”) Bart responds, “Yeah, he was a great dog.”
– Bart’s dog furnace fantasy is a bit slow and boring, but saved by him looking out the window musing, “Where are yah, boy?” followed by a distant boat horn noise.
– Classic Homer line: “You gave both dogs away?! You know how I feel about giving!” I also kind of like his pep talk speech to Bart, which he hopes will end in his son eating dog food.
– The best gag in the episode is probably Moe’s repossessed floor. We see the Repo Depot is not a large building, then all of a sudden we see Moe’s entire floor propped against the wall (“Hey, next time, pay your bills.” “But I don’t want to!”)
– I always liked the red bow tie on Polly’s skeleton neck. You’d think it would have rotted much quicker than its body. Or maybe Mr. Mitchell’s been fitting the tie on his beloved bird’s remains for a long while now.
– I was so numbed by the third act, the marijuana bit didn’t even faze me, though I do love Mr. Mitchell’s excuse (“Without it, I could go even… blinder!”) Hank Azaria ad-libbing with himself as Wiggum and Lou to “Jamming” over the credits is pretty amusing too, with one last “Jamming!” over the Gracie Films logo.

(originally aired April 6, 1997)
Well, my timing is impeccable. Just in time for Valentine’s Day, here’s an episode centered around a torrid schoolhouse romance. Having Skinner and Krabappel kindle a relationship isn’t exactly an original idea, but it’s kind of interesting to see in action. Harry Shearer and Marcia Wallace hand in very believable and nuanced performances. The scenes building up to their kiss feel very genuine, and we buy that they’re attracted to each other as two lonely people wishing to share a connection. It’s a sweet story overall, but it feels a little thin, with things included to draw it out that don’t really feel right. First, their relationship must, for some reason, remain a secret. This seems like the kind of weirdly paranoid stuff lesser minded characters would be nerve-racking about, but Skinner and Krabappel are two pretty intelligent people. Do they really think Chalmers would go into a rage if they ran it by him? What does it matter? Instead, they must keep it hush-hush, and strike a deal with the only witness of their kiss, Bart, with his silence being made in exchange for his hefty permanent record being swapped for some other poor sap (Milhouse).

From this point, Bart falls into the weird role of Skinner and Krabappel’s walking excuse. When Chalmers stumbles upon the two at a late night movie, Skinner rushes to get Bart out of bed to the theater to keep up the ruse of a school field trip. They use Bart to exchange mash notes to each other. Bart must watch Agnes while Skinner is out. Atop the absurdity of keeping this such a ridiculous secret, why are they throwing Bart around like this, and why is he agreeing to it? Bart has all the leverage, why would Skinner force Bart to say, “I love you, Edna Krabappel,” in front of the class, when he knew it would humiliate him? It’s incredibly bizarre to me. The second act is only saved due to the individual scenes being hysterical, such as Chalmers whispering to a half-asleep Bart in the movies (“Do you think they actually filmed this in Atlanta?”) and Agnes’s photo album of pictures of cakes (“You can’t have that one! That’s a coconut cake!”)

Bart finally reaches his limit and exposes Skinner and Krabappel’s make-out session in the janitor’s closet to the entire school. The innocent embellishments of the scene by the kids get their parents all flared up, as well as Chalmers, who is out for Skinner and Krabappel’s jobs. After a pep talk from Bart, Skinner springs into action, barricading Krabappel and himself in the school until their jobs and relationship is secure. Things start feeling more draggy in the third act. The silliness is ever present and you know how it’s going to end, so you’re just drawing out the clock until the credits. What is successful is how the controversy begins and ends. All the kids give their own outrageous versions of the story, some by here-say, which when it gets to the parents becomes here-say of here-say, until it goes too far (“Sordid public sexual congress!”) To completely clear his name, Skinner must make a shocking public confession: at forty-four years old, he is still a virgin. The crowd is stunned. I remember seeing this episode quite often as a kid (during my syndication viewings, season 8 seemed to be in heavy rotation), and I can’t remember what I thought about this ending or what it meant. But I love it now, how everyone is so floored and uncomfortable they just disband from the crowd as quick as they can. So yeah, while the story is flimsy and some parts don’t make sense, we’re still left with a fair share of amusing scenes, and a solid overall premise. It’s passable. But since it’s Valentine’s Day, I’ll be nice, it’s pretty darn neato.

Tidbits and Quotes
– I love Skinner’s boring morning announcements (“Finally, the bake sale to raise money for the car wash has been cancelled due to confusion.”) Krabappel’s class is so struck with boredom that Edna must light a firecracker in the middle of the room to wake them up.
– I don’t know why, but I love Homer’s little scene play-acting astronauts for a bored Bart and Milhouse. It feels really sweet that he’s doing this for Bart. The writers needed a scene where Bart decides to go to Martin’s lame party, so they needed to have him doing something even more lame. This is a logical and amusing solution. And we have Homer mimicking Richard Nixon.
– Martin’s party is a pretty lavish gala, complete with an ice statue of himself, which Bart breaks the fingers off to put in his class. We also get a great scene with the Mathemagician, who has the power to make remainders disappear (with help of a magical 7). The climax of the kids getting sick from oysters is pretty great. Bart notices Lisa on a stretcher (“Hey, why’d you eat them? I thought you were a vegetarian.” “I didn’t. I just wanted to leave.”)
– The scene with Skinner and Krabapple in the playhouse is pretty sweet (“What kind of little boy has a tea set?” “I think we both know the answer to that… a lucky boy.”) I also like both party’s compliments to each other; Edna finds Seymour’s innocence charming, and Skinner likes Krabappel’s “tart honesty and ability to be personally offended by broad social trends.”
– The scene with Agnes and Bart is my favorite bit of the show. I like seeing Mrs. Skinner act like an old lady. Later, they’d just use her to be angry and bitter at her son all the time. It reminded me of Bart having to deal with Mrs. Glick in “Three Men and a Comic Book.” (“I don’t have much saliva left, so you’ll have to lick my thumb before I can turn the page.” “Can’t I just turn the page for you?” “No!”)
– I like how childishly giddy Lisa is recounting Skinner and Krabappel allegedly being naked in the janitor’s closet, and Homer’s knee-jerk reaction to this news (“Bart’s teacher is named Krabappel? I’ve been calling her Crandall! Why didn’t someone tell me? Oh, I’ve been making an idiot out of myself!”) Then of course, there’s Ralph’s immortal retelling (“Mrs. Krabappel and Principal Skinner were in the closet making babies and I saw one of the babies and then the baby looked at me.” “The baby looked at you?!”)
– Skinner announces from the school roof they’ve locked themselves in until their demands are met, to an audience of one (“Willie hears ya. Willie don’t care.”) Bart assists in creating a scene, calling the local news about a giant octopus, spurring up a media circus. Kent Brockman reports (“So, once again, I’ve been had. But an even more interesting story has developed high atop this two-story school: a love story.”)
– Great bit with Homer and the megaphone, asking Bart where the remote is. Turns out it was in his pocket the whole time. I like how he talks back to Marge through the megaphone for a second, then realizes it and puts it down to finish his sentence. Latter-day Homer would just scream into the megaphone in his wife’s face.
– I love how embittered Chalmers is, speaking how as a public servant he isn’t permitted to use his judgement in any way, and his response to Krabappel’s request to take their case to the people, raising the dander of a certain Mr. Sideshow Mel (“Oh, yeah, that’ll be real productive. Who do you want to talk to first? The, the guy with a bumblebee suit, or the one with a bone through his hair?” “My opinions are as valid as the next man’s!”)
– I don’t buy that Skinner would go with Bart’s bomb idea, but it’s saved by jokes (Harry Shearer’s read on “I… have a bomb,” the Armour hot dogs jingle, and the animation of one lone hot dog sticking to Skinner’s shirt, then peeling off.)
– The crowd is miffed about the alleged naughty behavior going on in the school (“I don’t think we’re talking about love here. We’re talking about S-E-X. In front of the C-H-I-L-D-R-E-N.” “Sex Cauldron? I thought they closed that place down!”) Skinner’s admission of being a virgin shuts them up, with a great follow-up question from Homer (“Hey, does this mean that Mrs. Krabappel is a virgin, too?” “Ha!”) Chalmers is mollified (“Well, it’s clear you’ve been falsely accused. Because no one, anywhere, ever, would pretend to be a 44-year-old virgin.”) I love Hank Azaria’s quieted and hurried read for this last scene, so stunned by this news that he just wants to get the hell out of there.

(originally aired March 16, 1997)
Springfield is a really boozy town if you look at it. So just like depriving our main character of beer in “Duffless,” this episode depletes the entire city limits of alcohol. It all starts with an over-exuberant St. Patrick’s Day parade, where in the midst of the calamitous celebration to Lady Liquor, Bart accidentally gets drunk in the most preposterous of ways. The footage of a shitfaced ten-year-old makes waves of outrage to the moralizing busybodies of Springfield, who demand that the town enact prohibition. Upon discovering there’s already an unenforced two-hundred-year-old law on the books banning alcohol, Quimby puts it into effect, making the entire town dry as a bone. Now, not only does this throw the title of the episode into question, wouldn’t the twenty-first Amendment supersede this law? But ’tis a minor quibble. I’m sure Quimby is clueless of it, and any of the town’s drunks who could have protested with this argument are just as in the dark.

Within no time, Moe’s becomes a hush-hush speakeasy under the new guise of “Moe’s Pet Shop.” It’s quickly discovered by the aforementioned busybodies, and upon seeing Wiggum graciously partake in its wears, they make further demands to Quimby to bring in an actually competent law enforcer. Enter Rex Banner, a smart suited fed straight out of the 1930s, who outs Wiggum and boots the booze bootleggers. Banner is voiced by Dave Thomas, a Canadian comedian who gives a great old timey performance (“Listen, rummy, I’m gonna say it plain and simple. Where’d you pinch the hooch? Is some blind tiger jerking suds on the side?”) With supply cut off, Homer steps up with a plan, unearthing the dozens of buried beer barrels and swindling them into Moe’s himself, through an admittedly clever plan involving hollowed out bowling balls and an elaborate piping system. I’ll accept that someone as dim as Homer could come up with this idea (even Marge is impressed), but that he actually efficiently constructed it and put it into action? I dunno, but it’s not incredibly bothersome.

There’s a lot good about this show, but some parts don’t exactly fit right with me. I like Homer’s bravado attitude upon being dubbed the Beer Baron, and upon running out of supplies, he starts brewing his own liquor instead, with dozens of basement bathtubs all on the brink of explosion. Marge discovers Homer’s operation, and is unusually supportive of it. I could see her thinking the law is silly, but I don’t think she would support Homer in something like this. There’s also the matter of Rex Banner, who’s tough as nails, but also kind of ineffective, unable to apprehend Homer even with him right under his nose. But I’m not a fan of his expulsion by catapult, even though it never really bothered me until now. As one commenter astutely pointed out, this season is full of one-off characters getting killed, but I guess there’s a certain finesse you need to have to pull it off. Shary Bobbins was a cruel ironic joke at the last second of the show, the undoing of Frank Grimes is something the whole episode is building towards, but here, Banner is hoisted out merely for convenience only. It gives the ending a sourness that doesn’t feel necessary. But despite that, I like the overall story, and there’s a lot of great funny bits in here, so in light of the cruel, cruel death of Mr. Banner, this show gets a pass.

Tidbits and Quotes
– All the St. Paddy’s Day at the beginning is great, from Bart’s fatal mistake of not wearing green (“No one’s pinching his legs!”), Moe booting out the designated drivers (“I got no room for cheapskates,”) the Irish cops float, Marge’s green hair, and Kent Brockman’s shock at seeing the parade descend into drunken disorder (“All this drinking, violence, destruction of property. Are these the things we think of when we think of the Irish?”)
– Drunk Bart is pretty disconcerting and hilarious at the same time. I like his friends cheering him on, and Brockman’s cold echo of his drunk statements (“‘What are you looking at?’: the innocent words of a drunken child. Well, I’ll tell you what we’re looking at, young man. A town gone mad. A town whose very conscious was washed away in a tide of beer and green vomit.”)
– Marge feels she’s the worst mother in the world for what happened with Bart, and Homer assures her she’s not, citing “that freezer lady in Georgia.” Anyone want to shine light on what this is a reference to?
– When the fun police of Springfield demand prohibition, I love the responses from Quimby (“It tastes great, makes women appear more attractive, and makes a person virtually invulnerable to criticism.”) and from Wiggum (“All our founding fathers, astronauts, and World Series heroes have either been drunk or on cocaine.”)
– We get a quick look at Dr. Hibbert’s wife Bernice’s latent alcoholism. We don’t hear, or see, much from her, but perhaps there’s a reason.
– A wonderful call-back between acts: at the end of the first act, we see a newspaper sub-headline dovetailing the prohibition main story, “Bums Threaten to Leave Town.” Then at the start of act two, we see “Bums Extend Deadline.”
– Great bit with the CEO of Duff insisting that customers will stick with the brand now that it must release a non-alcoholic brew. Minutes later, the company is out of business (“Well, that’s the end of me.”)
– The animation of the partying at Moe’s is crazy. Wiggum dances with Princess Kashmir, with a tube top and breasts that laugh in the face of gravity. This leads to a great moment where Helen Lovejoy gets increasingly horrified when a tipsy Wiggum walks closer to her, and in a line delivery that you can hear shook the walls of the recording booth, she screams, “PERVERT!!!”
– Rex Banner’s brick wall in the middle of the highway with cars crashing and piling up is pretty dumb, but the reaction shot of him pleased with his work as jagged metal flies around by him is great. I also love his warming up to, but ultimate denial of Fat Tony’s bribes (“Okay. You win. From now on, we’ll stick to smuggling heroin.” “See that you do!”)
– The chase scene between Homer and Banner is kind of silly, but the over-the-top music helps it. The jangly ragtime number sort of fits the era Banner walked out of.
– Moe tells Barney a bowling ball beer’s gonna cost him a pretty penny (“Forty-five bucks?! This better be the best tasting beer in the world!”) Sip. “You got lucky!”
– I love how ruthless Banner is, smashing through the diner window to accost Barney. Then later we get the great scene with Moe’s safety switch, rotating the bar and stools for bird cages and aquariums to keep up his pet shop ruse (“What kind of pet shop is filled with rambunctious yahoos and hot jazz music at 1 am?” “Uhh… the best damn pet shop in town!”) Banner is suspect, but leaves with a warning (“Baby turtles and alligators may seem like a cute idea for a pet, but they grow up.”) Moe changes his bar back, only to find Barney had rotated as well (“Wow, those gears down there really hurt!”)
– Homer and Bart’s beer brewing operation hits a snag when the stills start exploding. I love their scream in shock at the first one, and Homer’s cover to Marge (“I think it must have been that bean I had for dinner.”) Bean, singular.
– Great moment where Banner insists the “Beer Baron” was a concoction of the media, and that the very concept of such a person is laughable. He attempts to laugh to demonstrate, but is physically unable to (“Well, you all know what laughter sounds like!”)
– Upon being released, Quimby asks Homer how long it will take to get alcohol back to Springfield, but he insists he’s done with the business. Fat Tony swoops in, insisting it’ll take four minutes. Five minutes later, the town’s full of liquor again, giving us the classic final line from Homer: “To alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.”