(originally aired April 19, 1998)
Sensationalist youth-oriented news and a gross abuse of the animal assistance program are on the docket this week, two plots that aren’t the absolute strongest, but have enough gags to keep this episode an overall engaging outing. We start with the reappearance of Lindsay Naegle, who badgers Krusty into inserting educational content into his show, a ten-minute news program hosted by kids for kids. I remember around this time the FCC cracking down on networks to force them to broadcast children’s programming that had educational content, many of which found loopholes around it. I could bitch more about the asinine nature of this topic, but it’s neither here nor there for this episode. Many Springfield Elementary students are chosen to do the program, with Lisa ecstatic to be the head anchor. Unfortunately her spotlight is usurped by Bart, whose camera pleasing showboating is much better received than Lisa’s dry, straight-forward stories. He is made Lisa’s co-anchor, much to her annoyance.

The way the rest of the episode goes is a bit odd, where Bart overhears Lisa talking to Naegle about how she thinks he’s dumb. He’s pretty hurt by this comment, for some reason. Bart knows he’s not as smart as his sister, and moreover he doesn’t care, but here it’s enough to fuel him to want to one-up her. This leads us to an illuminating view of Kent Brockman, who Bart goes to visit for advice on doing impactful news broadcasts. Brockman teaches the boy about human interest stories that “tug at the heart and fog the mind.” Soon enough Bart is reporting about a sad old man whose ducks at the park have left him, and old war veterans stitching flags out of old clothes, cheap, manufactured pablum that are absolute crowd pleasers. All the reports are wonderfully smarmy, as is Bart’s new fake holier-than-thou attitude, which only drives Lisa even madder. Lisa gets revenge by sending Bart into the clutches of a homeless Willie, whose shack was destroyed by Bart’s earlier shenanigans, but she ends up saving her brother when she finds him truly in danger. It’s a pretty obvious ending after that, especially with the fake-out of the show being immediately cancelled after they agree to work together, but the Willie stuff was all set up earlier, and it’s an all well and good ending.

Running alongside the A-story, Homer finds out about animal assistants for those who are disabled, and works the system so he can get himself a cute little monkey named Mojo. The animal proves to be no help whatsoever, and it isn’t long before man and monkey have stuffed themselves into a lazy food coma in the middle of the TV room floor. I’m not entirely sure why I like this subplot so much, since it’s really pretty dumb. Homer’s not so much of a jerk here as he is a big kid, enthralled and fascinated by this new creature he’s got. Meanwhile, Marge is mortified at first, then eventually just fed up with the whole situation. When we cut back to them from the kids news story, it usually involves Marge burying her head in her hands wondering where her life went so wrong. I like it for what it is, small silly breaks from the main story with crazy animal antics and just enough Homer buffoonery and Marge distress that it doesn’t feel too sad. An engorged, enfeebled Mojo is abandoned back on the doorstep from whence it came, giving perhaps its final words: “Pray for Mojo.” Pray indeed.

Tidbits and Quotes
– Krusty is adamant against the network cutting into his show (“There’s a monologue, those idiot puppets, Krusty’s nap time, the second monologue, Paul Harvey, Senor Papino… I tell yah, it’s the tightest three hours and ten minutes on TV!”) Naegle informs him they’re cutting those ten minutes, to which Krusty ruminates, “Well, I guess we can trim the Hobo Parade to a lean twenty.” I would really love to see a full version of Krusty’s entire show.
– Willie is shocked to find his perfect pile of leaves destroyed (“Me pile! It’s been raped of its bonniness!”) Finding Bart to be the culprit, he confiscates his skateboard and holes himself in his shack. To drown out Bart’s pounding on his door, he turns on his old fashioned radio, then flips through three stations of virtually identical bagpipe music to the one he’s most satisfied with, then lays down to relax.
– Another horrible Simpsons product: Bubble-Crum, the gum with a cracker center (“It’s Crun-Chewy!”) But you know what? I’d love to try it.
– Homer goes to Animal Assistance (“As Felt in Braille Weekly”) to get himself a helper monkey. To get the animal, Homer uses his father as a front, who seems very appreciative, then he drives off with the monkey, abandoning him on the sidewalk. Abe is none the wiser (“I can’t wait to eat that monkey!”)
– Lisa starts the news program with a hard-hitting story: the library’s budget being slashed by 3%. First on the chopping block? Periodicals. Devastating.
– I like that after Naegle spouts out a bunch of nonsense words like ‘zing’ and ‘zork,’ she doesn’t follow Lisa’s simple turn of phrase (“Bart’s not exactly the brightest penny in the fountain.” “In English, Lisa?”)
– Great bit where Bart struggles to read a newspaper, not being able to get through three words (“Supreme Court Reverses…”) He loses his willpower and goes straight to the comics. First up is Archie (“Hey Jughead, did you hear? The Supreme Court reversed…”)
– I like the small bits where the two plots kind of collide: Bart asks his mother if she thinks he’s dumb, who at the moment is preoccupied with the literal monkey business in her house (“Honey, I’d love to reassure you, but right now Mommy needs a Tetanus shot.”) And the second act break with Mojo mimicking Lisa’s laughter is great too.
– All the schmaltzy reports are pretty fantastic, perfectly worded and executed. The one on Joe Banks and his beloved ducks is probably the best, ending with a shot of the poor old man panning down to the soggy bread crumbs on the water to “Where Have All the Flowers Gone?” Then we cut to Burns and Smithers watching it sitting in bean bags for some inexplicable reason, in the best scene of the whole show (“Smithers… you think maybe my power plant killed those ducks?” “There’s no ‘maybe’ about it, sir.” “…excellent.”
– Here we have the first appearance of the Crazy Cat Lady, who is actually pretty funny. Lisa attempts to do a sympathetic story on her, but she proceeds to chase her away throwing cats like a maniac. Then Lisa tries to report on a seemingly defunct train, which proceeds to pass right by upon broadcasting. It just keeps going and going and going and going, then we see the Cat Lady has followed Lisa and makes chase again. Somehow, for some reason, someone thought they should bring the character back many seasons later, and then she became a regular. I have no idea why, since there’s not really much there to work with.
– I like Bart and Lisa’s back-and-forth on the air following one of Bart’s schmaltzy segments (“I just think our veterans deserve a little recognition.” “That’s what Veteran’s Day is for, Bart.” “But is that really enough to honor our brave soldiers?” “They also have Memorial Day.” “Oh, Lisa, maybe you’re right, maybe you’re wrong! The important thing is, veterans deserve a day to honor them!” “They have two!” “Well maybe they should have three. I’m Bart Simpson.”)
– Homer and Mojo passed out on the floor, and Mojo’s pathetic little happy dance is so disconcerting and hilarious at the same time. Speaking of disconcerting, the great tail end of Milhouse’s broadcast (“So, by waking up a little early and having some extra sheets handy, no one’s the wiser. Tomorrow, ‘Destroying The Evidence.'”) And great callback when Bart broadcasts from the dump, commenting on the twisted metal and soiled mattresses. Cut to Milhouse, looking quite nervous.
– Ah, the Mattel and Mars Bar Quick Energy Choc-O-Bot Hour. A spot-on parody of rampant product synergy and commercials disguised as programming. But I would watch it. And now I want a Reese’s. Damn you, corporate America.

(originally aired April 5, 1998)
A big problem continues to present itself this season. At this point, the writers still know funny. Although not as hilarious as ones in the past, season 9 still has a very high quotient of laughs. What seems to be sorely lacking is a cohesive story that makes sense through the entire runtime. This episode is the shining example of this: great individual set pieces amidst an absolute mess of a story. We start out strong: Flanders wakes up midnight of the new year to hurry and get his taxes done, which is perfectly in character. Then, of course, flash to April 15th where the post office is mobbed with people desperately trying to get their returns sent in. Here we hear from some of our supporting players, from Captain McAllister sweetening his file with buried treasure to Otto believing the giant line was for Metallica tickets. All excellent. Then Homer realizes he never did his taxes and frantically scribbles on a bunch of pages to get it in on time. Not only do I not buy Marge would stand idly by while the large mound of taxes on the ‘To Do’ pile right on the TV room table never got done, but really, wouldn’t she just do the taxes herself? Instead, Homer’s poorly packaged tax return ends up smack dab in the ‘Severe Audit’ bin.

The IRS tracks down Homer, and to make up for his faux-pas, he agrees to be a government snitch, wearing a wire to catch suspects incriminate themselves on tape. His biggest assignment is to uncover a stolen trillion-dollar bill from Mr. Burns, who pocketed it himself rather than hand it over to good-for-nothing foreigners after World War II. At this point halfway through the episode, everything pretty much goes to hell. First, for some reason, Homer has qualms about betraying his boss, and I’m not sure why. Inside the mansion, Burns mistakes Homer as a columnist for a magazine and gives him a tour of his estate, showing him his most prized possessions. The last stop is the Hall of Patriots, a wing featuring animatronic displays of Burns’s ancestors, because it makes total sense for an ancient shut-in like Burns to have something like this. He openly shows the bill to Homer, and is promptly arrested. Then Burns goes on a tirade against government oppression, which I guess inspires Homer enough to knock the two agents out, grab Burns and take off. Then, so we have a joke to end the act on, he places one agent’s hand on the other’s ass, giggles and leaves. Well done, writers.

I just really don’t understand what’s with Burns in this episode. If anything, he should be all for the government, standing by a capitalist system that’s responsible to keeping him rich and on a higher platform than the little people. He was against the gross foreign aid after the war, but all the other points don’t really stick. Also, he seems weirdly dumb here, not recognizing Cuba, or realizing he’s flying the plane. He’s like wacky cartoon Burns, not the ruthless no-nonsense miser we know and love. Homer sticks around with Burns for some reason, and ultimately is responsible for losing the trillion dollar bill to Fidel Castro, leaving them and Smithers stranded on a raft out at sea. Between that we have a dead space showing a pretty laugh-free Cuba, and a look back state side as federal agents interrogate the rest of the Simpsons, where Marge for some reason believes the trillion dollars is theirs and Lisa says fuck college, let’s buy dune buggies. This episode had a strong start, then stumbled, crashed and burned in a calamity of bizarre characterization, stuff that made no sense, and an ending that wishes it was triumphant and hilarious, but is actually just irritating. A pretty disastrous outing.

Tidbits and Quotes
– We start out with a great New Year’s celebration… until the ball gets stuck (“Awww, will this horrible year never end?!”) Chief Wiggum shoots to dislodge it, ending up sending the ball crashing down, setting the roof of the town hall aflame, but no one seems to care. Everyone joyously sings “Auld Lang Syne,” including an incredibly inebriated Krusty.
– I love everything with Ned doing his taxes. He considers putting cash register ink as a business expense, but figures he can’t because he loves the smell of it. Todd asks his father what taxes pay for, and Ned is all too happy to answer (“Policemen, trees, sunshine! And lets not forget the folks who just don’t feel like working, God bless ’em!”) He stuffs his folder full of mints and jets it off to the post office. He passes Hibbert on the way out, who is too pleased to announce he’s mailing death certificates from holiday-related fatalities.
– On April 15th, the post office is mobbed. Chief Wiggum tries to calm down the crowd (“The harder you push, the faster we will all get outta here!”) The crowd shoves harder and Wiggum appears content with his work.
– Kent Brockman appears smug in announcing that some people had their accountants do their taxes months ago. We then see a frenzied man with papers in hand asking if anyone has a calculator. Brockman looks worried (“Myron?”)
– Pretty bizarre moment where Marge hangs the ship painting back on the wall (it’s revealed in this episode that she painted it) and muses about how she used to have a lot of talent. Bart and Lisa look at each other dumb-founded. It’s a pretty devastating moment. This was a syndication cut, and I saw this episode quite a bit in reruns, so it always largely sticks out to me whenever I rewatch this one.
– Homer makes a mad dash to the post office, running through a red light, causing two cars to crash. But the animation is so that it looks like one car literally flattens the other, presumably killing every person inside.
– Great bar talk where Moe posits a scenario: you pull a thorn out of the Pope’s butt and he grants you one wish, what is it? Lenny wonders what it would be like to wear something that’s ironed. Moe is impressed (“I was gonna say a night with Joey Heatherton, but an ironed shirt… damn, that’s tempting.”)
– I always liked Charlie. The poor guy just never reached the level of superstardom as Lenny or Carl. Here, he reveals a bit more of his secret life to Homer (“My militia has a secret plan to beat up all sorts of government officials! That’ll teach them to drag their feet on high definition TV!”) Then government agents come to take him away. We’ve never seen Charlie again. Actually, we probably had, but it’s more mysterious if I say we haven’t.
– I love Milhouse in the photo booth (“My… my shirt fell off.”) The secret film is also pretty good, speaking of Truman’s drunken boast, the bill itself featuring Truman doing the “OK” sign and a thumbs up, trusting America’s “wealthiest and therefore must trustworthy man” for the job, and “This film will self-destruct if not properly stored.”
– I kind of like how awkwardly Homer is allowed into the mansion. With the hounds button broken, Burns invites him in (“Perhaps there’s something I can scald you with.”) He puts water on the stove, saying it’ll be a few minutes. He then ends up splashing Homer prematurely, and goes off to get him a towel. This whole thing’s a little out of character for Burns, but I like how silly it is.
– I like that Burns is ultimately arrested for “grand, grand, grand, grand larceny.”
– Smithers seems so displeased for most of the third act. I especially love when Homer is concerned about leaving his family behind fleeing the country, Smithers coldly comments, “That can be shipped.”
– The scene with the agents at the Simpson home really irritates me: why would Marge assume the money is theirs? And the horrible Lisa line. It may seem like splitting hairs, but it’s like these characters aren’t themselves, they just needed a scene to show what they were doing and spout a few jokes. They’re accessories to the stupid story, not actual people.
– More dumb Homer jokes: putting the bill inside the vending machine, immediately gambling over international waters… yawn…
– I do like some of the Castro stuff (“But presidente, America tried to kill you!” “Ah, they’re not so bad. They even named a street after me in San Francisco. …it’s full of what?!”) His “Aye carumba!” is great, and I do like the timing of the ending, even though I’m not a fan of it overall (“Now, give it back.” “Give what back?”) Burns groans, then we cut to him, Homer, and Smithers stranded out on a raft.

(originally aired March 29, 1998)
Homer gets a new job? Better get used to this premise, as we’ll be seeing it a lot more frequently in the coming seasons. There are some elements of this episode that you could say are somewhat shoddy, but one thing can absolve any such shortcomings: laughs. Rule of funny has a way of excusing any problems one might have. There are a few things in this episode that would be glaring if this weren’t the funniest episode of the season. Why does Homer join the naval reserve? Well, first he was fired from the plant after an attempt to enlarge a donut using nuclear material ended up in disaster. Then a naval recruitment ad popped up on his beloved television, illustrating the absolute ease of the average recruit (“After basic training, you’ll only have to work one weekend a month. And most of that time, you’re drunk off your ass!”) The first scene features a traditional bonehead Homer move, and the latter scene is a great comment of service scouting to the lowest common denominator; as silly as the conceit of a naval Homer is, I’m laughing already.

Moe, Barney and Apu go along with Homer through basic training, a plot turn that’s kind of dumb, but I can kind of buy it at least for the first two. For Apu, I can’t see abandoning his store for that long in exchange for a joke (“Although my religion strictly forbids military service, what the hey!”), but we don’t really see him for the rest of the episode. The gang later gets sent off to war games headed by Captain Tennille, named after the pop music act, and voiced by Rod Steiger. He takes an immediate shining to Homer, encapsulated over a great scene on board the sub where the Captain is delighted to hear of Homer’s desire for peace but only attainable through force, but in actuality Homer seeks only peas with a knife. We don’t see him for long, but I really like this character, a man who effectively signs his own death warrant for trusting Homer, sort of like good ol’ Unky Herb back in “Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?” He does openly admits he ain’t that right in the head, so we believe it (“Maybe it’s the saltwater in my veins, or the nitrogen bubbles in my brain, but I’ve taken a real shine to you.”)

After inadvertently shooting the captain out of a torpedo tube, Homer is left in command, who ends up leading the sub into Russian waters, creating an international incident. The episode’s been pretty silly already, so why not get even crazier? Some of the suspense of the crew in danger is a bit ham-fisted, but it’s worth it for great bits like Homer’s unfortunate file photo, Abe’s televised defense of his son, and perhaps the funniest bit in the entire season when the Russians reveal they never disbanded the USSR at all, as tanks roll through Moscow, the Berlin Wall resurfaces, and Lenin rises from his tomb wishing to crush capitalism. It’s all pretty ridiculous, but there are glimmers of reality running throughout. Not wanting to get left out of the latest trend, Bart gets his ear pierced, much to his family’s chagrin. Upset at his father’s staunch disapproval, he bitterly gives Homer the earring before he casts off, an item which ultimately ends up saving the day. It’s not the most believable or emotionally heavy story, one that I can piece apart and examine, and there certainly are flaws, but I laughed through a good portion of it, and that makes it a winner in my book.

Tidbits and Quotes
– Similar to the 2001 opening of “Lisa’s Pony,” here we open with another movie parody dream while Homer’s at work, where he is being held prisoner on the Planet of the Donuts. It’s a nice sequence, ending in a gigantic donut proceeding to eat the prisoner (“Mmmm… Homer…”)
– I like how easy it appears to create a critical situation at the plant. Homer places the donut into a bin that makes it accessible behind glass for him to drop it into nuclear waste. That in turn causes a massive fire in the cooling towers… somehow? I don’t know anything about how power plants work, and watching this show isn’t helping.
– I love the “It’s my first day” running joke. I totally buy how Burns would be fooled by it, and how it absolves Homer of all wrong-doing at the very end. It’s just the right level of stupidness that I take it as being funny instead of being annoyed that it doesn’t make sense or is a cop-out ending.
– Quality programming on the Simpson TV as usual, via Exploitation Theatre: Blacula, followed by Blackenstein, and the Blunchblack of Blotre Blame (“Oooh, funky!”)
– Another great moment when Homer attempts to clap off his non-Clapper bedside lamp. It seems almost too dumb, but timing saves it. We cut to outside the Simpson house where we hear Homer clap a few more times, then out goes the lamp through the window.
– Very disturbing look at Barney’s mother, who basically looks like himself in drag. And if that wasn’t enough, I don’t even want to know what’s up with the sexy Homer picture he puts up in his barracks. Or even how he got the photo. Or why Homer apparently posed for it. Huh.
– I think the repartee between Homer and the drill sergeant is pretty sweet (“All right, Simpson. I don’t like you, and you don’t like me.” “I like you.” “Um, all right… You don’t like me, but I don’t like you.” “Maybe you would like me if you got to know me.” “What are you, a comedian?” Well, I’m no Margaret Cho, but I do a pretty fair Columbo impression.”)
– Milhouse’s earring gets him momentarily under fire by Skinner (“The school dress code specifically forbids the wearing of earrings unless you’re of Gypsy extraction.” “Well, uh, I’m a Gypsy.” “Oh, really! Prove it.” “Uh… I vant to suck your blood!” “Nuh-uh, that’s a vampire. But they’re also covered. Carry on.”)
– Nice moment with Homer’s naval getup getting him some action in the bedroom. With this and Mr. Plow, Marge seems to love a man in uniform.
– Great Abe flashback where he recalls him discovering John F. Kennedy’s dark secret (“Ich bin ein Berliner.” “He’s a Nazi! Get him!”)
– Great great great bit with Bart at the mall where every other store is a Starbucks. He eventually goes into In ‘N’ Out Ear Piercing (If It Dangles, We’ll Punch A Hole Through It), and leaves right before it, and every other store in the mall, has been turned into a Starbucks.
– I loved Captain Tennille pretty much immediately (“I’m a man of few words. …any questions?”)
– The “In The Navy” bit is pretty funny, but it is a little much. The mislead up to the song and the crew dancing is great. Then you actually see the Village People, which would have been dumb if it weren’t for the later joke where they apparently all drown. And then we see Smithers dancing with them. Little too on the nose, don’t you think? Plus then I guess he drowned too. Unnecessary.
– I don’t know if I’m behind Homer accidentally killing the captain, but I do like the enemy ship’s reaction, with the captain vowing they’ll respond in kind, and the crew immediately grabs him to prepare for launch (“Not me, a torpedo!”)
– Abe defends his alleged traitor of a son on the news (“My Homer is not a communist. He may be a liar, a pig, an idiot, a communist, but he is not a porn star!”)
– I love that in the emergency fallout shelter at the school, Skinner saves the best and brightest, which apparently means Sherri, but not Terri. Terri was brought up to the stage with her sister, I guess thinking she would be saved, only to have her walk away dejected and given a supposed death sentence. Ever compassionate, Nelson gives a well-timed “Ha-ha!”
– As the episode nears its ends, Homer must face the music before a committee of five naval officers, but they all are entwined in scandals of their own (“I’m under indictment for accepting bribes from military contractors.” “I torpedoed a Carnival Cruise ship.” “Impersonating the First Lady!”) so Homer gets a mere dishonorable discharge. Marge is relieved (“It’s the best we could’ve hoped for.” “You can’t spell ‘dishonorable’ without ‘honorable’!”)

(originally aired March 22, 1998)
Let’s talk about Ralph, shall we? Some of the most classic and memorable quotes of the entire series have come from this lovable scamp, and he’s one of the more famous secondary characters. He’s a pretty useful utility, but it appears that that’s pretty much all he’s become. Flash back to “I Love Lisa,” where Ralph, while still not quite developed yet, was a pretty real character, a lonely, dim boy with no sense of social skills or tact. He’s oblivious, a simple-minded child who says what’s on his mind, be it how he just ate a crayon or how he bent his Wookie. In later seasons he became a prop for the writers: throw him in a scene and have him spout a non-sequitur, instant laugh, money in the bank. This episode almost seems like the bridge between these two Ralphs, where the writers attempt to center a story around this character as they did before, but partway through the task seemed too daunting, so they leaned up against random Ralph lines and a beyond ridiculous final act. It starts with potential, but ended up collapsing due to lack of support.

The beginning set piece at the Knowledgeum is great, with a lot of jokes about interactive children’s museums. I remember going to the Liberty Science Center in Jersey City many times as a kid, and while it was real cool, I still wished it was as awesome as the Simpsons version. Wouldn’t you love to go down a double helix slide? Skateboard on the surface of Mars? Shoot virtual sperm on a giant turret gun? Anyway, the Simpson family spends the day there, and Marge runs across Chief Wiggum, who is disheartened that his son Ralph is all by his lonesome. Ralph has always ridden the line between slow child and mentally challenged, and this show really seems to be pushing him toward the latter. When he randomly begins running in circles barking like a dog, I was as worried as Marge, but of the fate of this character. Feeling sorry for the boy, Marge ends up pairing Ralph up with Bart, much to his chagrin. There’s a bit of potential with this story, harkening back to arranged playdates from childhood with that kid no one wanted to hang out with, but there’s really not much to that angle of the story before they veer off into other territory.

The third act predicates on acquiring Chief Wiggum’s master key, which can open any lock in Springfield. After goofing around at the toy store and the bakery after dark, Bart wishes to impress the local bullies by going into the spooky abandoned penitentiary. But he ultimately decides to stay back when he sees how scared Ralph is, feeling he can’t betray him. So I guess he learned a lesson, huh? From that point on, we get a series of things that either make no sense or don’t work. Why would the bullies throw away the key instead of using it for themselves? Then there’s this “moment” where Ralph “conquers” his fears by going in after the key, but it’s more like he just wandered in there, like the numbskull he now is. Then we get the finale with Quimby in the electric chair. For some reason the master key is also used to activate the chair, which for some reason is still active. Then later when Quimby does his press conference, he wishes to test the chair, and intends to mime his own convulsions for realism’s sake …okay. And the writers knew how convoluted and stupid the ending was, so they made reference to it in the episode multiple times, from Quimby’s speech to Burns commenting how he’s left the prison’s electric on for thirty years, but commenting on something being bad doesn’t excuse it. In some cases, maybe, but not when it’s the entire last five minutes of the episode. There are a few choice laughs in the episode, but for me, this one will be known as the show that killed Ralph. Poor little guy.

Tidbits and Quotes
– I like the opening bit with everyone in Krabappel’s class frantically trying to get the answer first on their calculators. Though I’m surprised the school could afford them.
– Homer is initially suspect of the Knowledgeum (“Good things don’t end with ‘eum.’ They end with ‘mania.’ Or ‘teria!'”)
– Another great Troy McClure appearance welcoming guests to the museum while they enter on a moving walkway. The family ends up not hearing the end of his spiel as they move away from the giant screen just as he’s mentioning that cars may be subjected to repeated break-ins (“What’d he say? What about my car?”)
– Very very crass line about Bart wishing to toss the virtual salad.
– “Ovulate, damn you! Ovulate!” is an exclamation I wish to use on my future wife. I may want to rethink that though. Krusty is up next on the sex simulator, and while I don’t buy him being at a kid’s museum, I love his enthusiasm (“Hey, baby, remember me?”) Though maybe it was a birthday party and he had some down time. That works. Swish.
– Bart and Marge have an argument about whether Bart will hang out with Ralph while he’s standing wide-eyed at the door. I love the moment where Bart says, “Someone will be right with you,” then closes the door to continue the conversation with his mother.
– At Ralph’s house, Bart inquires where his father keeps all the cool stuff from his job (“He keeps that stuff in his closet. But he says I’m not allowed in there.” “Did he say I’m not allowed in there?” “Yes.” “…well, I’m goin’ in anyway!”)
– I think it’s a bit much that Wiggum announces himself as “Chief Wiggum” coming home to his wife and son. He finds Ralphie and Bart have broken into his secret stash (“What is your fascination with my forbidden closet of mystery?”)
– Nice name on the toy store (J.R.R. Toykins) and Bart and Ralph’s antics, building a giant LEGO brick out of LEGOs, and practicing archery with Malibu Stacy dolls. Later at the bakery, they eat a whole wedding cake and an entire pan of funeral fudge.
– Another crass joke in the name Morningwood Penitentiary. I always thought it was spelled like ‘Mourning’ to have another logical meaning, but no, it’s just an erection joke, plain and simple.
– I don’t know if the evil leprechaun in Ralph’s mind is a bad joke… but it’s not a good one either. It makes him seem less innocent and childlike and more like a psychotic crazy person. Good job, writers.

(originally aired March 8, 1998)
You can certainly understand how Lisa would be curious of how a bright, book-smart girl like her sprung from the loins of her dim-witted dullard father. Does she have latent Simpsons qualities that will emerge later in life? In this episode, we learn about the supposed Simpson gene, and Lisa’s attempts to save her intellect from it. After a few days where nothing seems to go right, Lisa fears she is beginning to lose her smarts. Grampa overhears and confirms this, referring her granddaughter to the “Simpson gene.” Apparently both Homer and Bart were pretty sharp and got good grades as young kids, but over the years they slowly but surely degraded into the dummies they are today. It’s an interesting story idea, and presented in an intriguing way. Grampa isn’t exactly the most reliable source of information, so you, as well as Lisa, are questioning the validity of it, and soon suspect it may actually be real.

As sharp as she is, Lisa needs to find more about DNA, and what better place than a filmstrip by Troy McClure? It’s one of his last appearances, and I think one of his best (“You take a dash of Dad, a pinch of Mom, let it simmer for nine months, and mmm, that’s good Billy!”) There’s a great atmosphere to this episode, intermittently showing Lisa writing in her diary about her mission, and eventually submission to a life of limited intelligence. The best moment is where she stands atop the stairs at night, seeing the flickering of the TV playing something loud and obnoxious with Bart and Homer cheering. She descends the stairs as if stooping to their level, and father and son, both looking kind of creepy in a dumbening blue light, invite Lisa to join them. Homer pats the seat next to him, which has a subtle creepy echo. It establishes a great tone, something this season hasn’t had much of.

Homer eventually catches wind on what Grampa told Lisa and decides to set things right. One morning he gathers up every extended family member he could track down to prove that they’re not all morons. Except it turns out they actually are. But it turns out the Simpson women are actually great successes, and as one reveals, the defective gene is only on the Y-chromosome, so Lisa is in the clear. It’s a brilliant conclusion that’s both sincere and kind of backhanded. Lisa’s “I’ve never been happier to be your daughter!” is sweet, but if she happened to be a boy, she would hate her father’s guts. I also love all the designs of the Simpson men, and Dan Castellaneta’s many different variations of Homer’s voice he uses for them all. What a talented guy, able to take one voice and vary it up into dozens. This is a pretty classic episode, with a lot of heart and sincerity, well-directed, and with a story that keeps you engaged. There’s also plenty of humor, much of it from the wonderful B-story which I didn’t even touch on in the main part of this review. It’s a damned good episode. S’all I gotta say.

Tidbits and Quotes
– Lisa’s mental break starts when she’s the only one who cannot solve a seemingly simple brain teaser on the back of a pre-packed lunch: Professor Provolone’s Picto-Puzzle. It seems completely obvious to me now since I’ve seen the episode, I don’t remember if I got it from just seeing it once. But you totally get Lisa’s feeling, we’ve all had times that we’ve been unable to figure something out, then when we do, or when someone tells us the answer, we feel like total morons. Even Ralph gets it (“I don’t need a hint, Ralph!” “But you’re suffering!”)
– Miss Hoover’s class presents their agriculture projects: Janey makes good use of pipe cleaners, and Ralph’s got a big ol’ cow heart in a bleeding paper bag (“Don’t open it, Ralph. I’ll just give you a C minus.”) Lisa, meanwhile, had totally spaced on the assignment, and comes up with a quick substitute: a little eraser pig with push pins and a springy tail, an object directly taken from an old Life in Hell comic. I love after Hoover’s “This is terrible at best. I’m surprised at you, Lisa!” Lisa looks down at her shoddy handiwork, contemplates for a moment, and bluntly says, “Me too.”
– I gotta mention the B-story: Apu is shocked to find the elderly Jasper locked inside his freezer, hoping to live to see the future. Inspired by gawkers offering him money to see the freezer geezer, Apu reworks his store into the Freak-E-Mart, a museum of supposed oddities. Jasper, or Frostilicus as Grampa calls him, has become a famous show image because of this. I remember going to 7-Elevens during promotion for the movie and almost dying when I saw a frozen Jasper decal over one of the freezer doors. There’s so many classic bits in this subplot: Homer’s fascination with nudie pens, Jasper insisting his pants be changed as fashion dictates and to thaw him out when robot wives are cheap and effective, the offensive hat that dares you to read it: “Show Me Your Ti-” (“It says ‘Show Me Your Tie,” real cute, let’s go!”) and of course, when Jasper is thawed out, “Moon Pies… what a time to be alive.”
– I always thought it was a nice moment for Marge to be cutting Abe’s hair. It brings him into the house in a believable way that he’d have a stupid tiff with his regular barber. Also great is that he’s got the tablecloth wrapped around him, and when he puts it back on the table and shakes it, a bunch of little hairs start floating in the air.
– Bringing more question to Grampa’s believability, as if you needed more, was first he starts showing off his son’s work (“Your dad used to be smart as a monkey! But then his mind started getting lazy and now he’s dumb as a chimp!”) Then when he moves onto Bart… (“Back when he was your age, he was smart as a chimp!”)
– The McClure film is great, as I said. The bit where he takes off his helmet and the other people working by him bolt and peer though the door, the rickety condition of the movie, and how the production abruptly ends when Billy asks what DNA stands for and McClure looks dumbstruck.
– Lisa’s plight could not be more tragic in that she is stuck watching “When Buildings Collapse” on FOX (“Man has always loved his buildings. But what happens when the buildings say ‘no more!'”) It’s a spectacular sequence, full of great ad-libs by Nancy Cartwright and Dan Castellaneta (the best is when Homer mutters, “I didn’t think it was gonna fall down, but then…”) This great programming is followed immediately by “When Surgery Goes Wrong!”
– A horrifying vision of things to come in Lisa’s nightmare of her dumb future: an obese, hammock-bound housewife with an inexplicable Southern accent with Ralph as her Wiener Shack-workin’ husband. One of her many kids using the “pryin’ bar” to dislodge her from her seat is so unbelievably disturbing and hilarious. I’d be devastated if I were Lisa too.
– Lisa realizes her intellectual days are numbered (“Soon, the arts and literature I love will be replaced by talk radio and vulgar mud flaps.”) She indulges in the finer things perhaps one last time, but encounters a few… bumps. The beautiful work of art she admires at the museum is revealed to be a fake, with one of the guards, seemingly a friend of Lisa’s admits that he painted that and the real one is in his garage. Later, at the Jazz Hole, Lisa has a brush with a pretentious jazz prick (“Sounds like she’s hitting a baby with a cat.” “You have to listen to the notes she’s not playing.” “Pssh, I can do that at home.”) After the musician’s set, Lisa goes to tell her how inspiring it was, and the musician gives her a few more words for thought, which cause Lisa to sprint off with a new sense of purpose…. much to the artist’s chagrin (“Damn, that felt like a sale.”)
– Lisa gets on TV to pour her heart out by claiming she’s staunchly against a random proposition 305, which she learns is for discount fares for war widows. Later on, we see Homer seems to agree with this position (“Mooching war widows…”) My favorite line in the show is probably from Brockman, having to follow up Lisa’s impassioned speech out of the blue (“Little girl likes her brain. What’s your opinion?”)
– I love all the Simpson men’s pathetic jobs: running an unsuccessful shrimp company, shooting birds at the airport (“Everybody hates birds! Right?”), prison snitch, jug band manager, begging celebrities for money… Also great is the last of the Simpson women’s accomplishments, regional sales coordinator for the third largest distributor of bunk and trundle beds. Marge is most impressed by that last one.
– Homer dispenses the moral of the episode, with Marge chipping in (“Remember, there’s nothing that says you can’t be a Simpson and a success.” “Unless you’re a man.”) But Lisa still has some of her father in her after all: when she finally gets the brain teaser, she lets out an impulsive “Woo-hoo!” Then backs up with a more dignified “I mean, splendid.” It’s a really sweet ending.