(originally aired November 8, 1998)
Let’s talk about the role celebrities play on this show. This is a series that skewers all elements of American society, and the media elite is a humungous prime target. Along with the dozens of pop culture digs they make in every show, whenever a celebrity does a guest voice as themselves, they’re always subject to some level of mockery or derision. James Taylor is surprisingly disgruntled, Dick Cavett is a fame whore leech, Ernest Bourgnine ends up lost in the woods and presumably killed. Sure, the writers respected anyone who would be nice enough to do the show, but the humor was always sharp that even with mocking them, it still felt sincere and appreciative. They felt like they could have it both ways. Now we have this episode, where the celebrities are the stars: Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger are presented in the highest, most holiest of lights, more so than any other guest star. There’s lots of problems with this trash heap, but the first being that the gentlest of kid gloves are used here in handling these two. Be it characters saying it, or the rarefied air throughout the episode, they’re presented as such great people. Bleeeccch.

So through a bonehead mishap, Homer winds smackdab in the bedroom of Baldwin and Basinger’s secluded Springfield estate, where they’re residing to get away from the hustle and bustle of Hollywood. Then somehow Homer winds up their servant/friend/something. He doesn’t appear to be starstruck at all upon meeting them, and becomes incredibly annoying and options to work for them apropos of nothing. He really becomes this big suck-up that they can’t get rid of, which actually could have been a little interesting, except here Baldwin and Basinger really like him for some reason. Aside from Jerkass Homer present through the whole show, this is a fatal flaw here. Homer is most lovable when he’s a down-on-his-luck schlub. Like the common man, it seems the whole world is against him, and we cheer on when he manages to achieve something despite himself. Here, he’s playing badminton with celebrities and having a grand old time. It’s like polar opposite interpretations. Later when the celebrities “fire” him, he’s gotten used to the high life and believes he’s better than his commoner family. He even turns down Marge’s bargain basement sloppy Joes. Homer turning down food of any kind? Ridiculous.

There’s not much I can praise this episode for. I guess the only bright spot is Ron Howard and his inexplicable alcoholism, and how he shamelessly steals Homer’s movie pitch at the very end. Unlike the other two celebs, I guess the writers felt he wasn’t high profile enough so they could rip on him a bit, even enough to have him back next season for no apparent reason. There’s some mocking of society’s obsession with celebrity culture in the mob of Springfieldians flocking to the celebrity home, and later indulging in Homer’s perverted museum of oddities, but it all feels either really obvious or real softball stuff that could have been crammed into any episode. A lot of terrible changes occurred during the Mike Scully years, and it’s not clear who to blame, but one big thing was not only the sharp increase in amount of random celebrity guests, but in having them on and treating them with the utmost reverence. So you’re gonna have Britney Spears, Richard Gere and the Rolling Stones on just so you can kiss their asses and say how cool they are? That’s not The Simpsons. That’s Entertainment fucking Tonight. Fuck this episode.

Tidbits and Quotes
– I feel I should like Homer’s Yogi Bear dream at the beginning, but for some reason, I don’t. I do like his recollection of it when he wakes up (“I was having the most wonderful dream. I had a hat and a tie with no pants on.”)
– Nice moment in cartoon timing when Homer’s parachute gets ripped off in the trees, he floats in the air long enough to moan about it, then he plummets to the ground.
– Why the fuck didn’t Baldwin and Basinger have an assistant before? Or some means to get things if they’re running out of toilet paper and toothpaste? They could have all that shit mailed to them, they obviously have the funds and connections to do so.
– So… the Homer-can’t-read bit. What’s spectacular about this is a minute after that joke, we see Homer drive to the Kwik-E-Mart (in a Humvee for some reason. Presumably Baldwin and Basinger’s) and proceeds to read off a list to Apu. So since he clearly can read, the joke can be two things: either Homer felt he needed to make up a secret on the spot to impress the two celebrities, or Homer is so unbelievably stupid that he forgot he could read. I don’t like playing guessing games when it comes to a simple joke like this. Also the joke wasn’t funny, so fuck it.
– The bit with the Oscar polish and Baldwin whining that too much of it will take the finish off really reminds me of the bit where Krusty tries to come up with everyday problems for the average man (“You mean like when your lazy butler washes your sock garters and they’re still covered with schmutz?”)
– At some point, Homer morphed into this bizarre clingy guy who believes he’s super awesome and everybody’s best friend. He’s so annoying and bizarre in this episode, and many after it. Who thought this was a good character turn?
– Moe tricking Kirk Van Houten to climb the electric fence and get shocked right in front of his son is pretty cruel. I mean, even by Moe’s standards.
– I like during his incensed rant about celebrities, Homer name-drops Ray Bolger (“And when it’s time to do the dishes, where’s Ray Bolger? I’ll tell ya! Ray Bolger is looking out for Ray Bolger!”) Research reveals he was the Scarecrow in The Wizard of Oz. Also he’s been dead for twenty-five years.
– Why are Krusty and Sideshow Mel stooped outside the celebrity house? And when the celebrities leave and chase after Homer’s van, the crowd just stands there and watches. Wouldn’t they immediately flock the vehicle? And the car chase is so unbelievably dumb, the Humvee continues moving even when no one’s at the wheel, powered by magic, I guess.
– Homer’s final statements in court about the nature of celebrity is a pretty alright wrap-up to such a shit show (“If celebrities didn’t want people pawing through their garbage and saying they’re gay, they shouldn’t have tried to express themselves creatively. In closing, you people must realize that the public owns you for life! And when you’re dead, you’ll all be in commercials, dancing with vacuum cleaners.”) Also the restraining order keeping him five hundred feet from any celebrity sure worked out, didn’t it? How long before that got broken? About four more episodes before he’s bodyguard to Mark Hamill. Mmn.

(originally aired October 25, 1998)
The Halloween shows are always really special, truly indicative of how creative and sharp the series can be. One of the greatest bummers for me was when these specials became disappointments year after year after year. If they can’t make these episodes that have absolutely no logical or in-universe restrictions at least somewhat interesting, then there’s a big problem. But this issue is probably best saved for another time, since this year’s Halloween episode isn’t bad, but definitely doesn’t feel all too memorable. The first segment is “Hell Toupee” (a clever play on words, I’ll admit.) Following petty thug Snake’s execution, Homer ends up with his hair surgically implanted on his scalp, a procedure that seems to have some adverse side effects. Now he’s possessed by Snake’s spirit, who seeks to get revenge on the eyewitnesses to his final crime: Apu, Moe, and Bart Simpson. The premise is kind of intriguing, but a lot of it feels a bit dry. You know exactly where the plot’s going, the order of the murders, and the resolution, so there’s no real suspense, you’re just kind of riding out the seven minutes. There are some laughs to be had, but when Marge cuts off her daughter explaining the scenario with, “Oh, please, Lisa, everyone’s already figured that out,” it’s very telling on a number of levels.

“Terror in Toon Town” is memorable for me in one respect: I remember watching it as a kid and having my mom shut it off at about the same time as Marge turned off the Krusty show. She was pretty skeptical about this show, thinking it would warp my young mind, but it wasn’t long before I browbeat her into letting me watch. I was quite the persuasive youngster. Anyway, Bart and Lisa get sucked into an Itchy & Scratchy cartoon. Yeah. Again, it just feels kind of empty on the whole. And call it splitting hairs to nitpick plot holes in a Halloween show, but rather than scour for batteries for the remote, Bart and Lisa are already sitting right up to the TV. Couldn’t they just, y’know, turn the knob? The Itchy & Scratchy antics take up most of the time, which ultimately aren’t that funny. The best bits occur around the main stuff, like the bizarre live action Regis & Kathie Lee cameo. And the twist at the end is okay, I guess.

“Starship Poopers” is easily the standout segment. First off, alien Maggie is a pretty neat design, and seeing her limbs just pop out is genuinely disconcerting. Also the first part is like a build-up to the inevitable appearance of Kang and Kodos. Once you see her green tentacles, you know they’re coming… Marge reveals that Kang is actually Maggie’s father, the result of a bizarre abduction/in-breeding program Marge was part of against her will, told in a spectacular flashback (“Oh, you look lovely this evening. Have you decreased in mass?”) Unable to come to a compromise regarding Maggie’s custody, Bart steps in, assuring only one man can resolve the conflict: Jerry Springer. The show segment is certainly memorable, albeit at this point a little hackneyed, but at the time having Jerry on and doing this spoof was topical, I’m sure. Plus Homer and Kang exchanging blows and bleeped curse words is pretty fantastic. There’s a sort of genius attributed to making bleeps funny, they need to be timed just right. Anyway, I’d say this is definitely the weakest “Treehouse” thus far, but there’s nothing terrible about it. But save the last segment, there’s not a whole lot to highly recommend either.

Tidbits and Quotes
– The bit with Snake using nacho cheese to slick back his hair is pretty gross. Then you have old crusty cheese in your hair. Sick!
– Nice set-up where Moe asks Apu for a cereal for people with syphilis, then later we see him eating the wonderfully named Penicill-O’s.
– Troy McClure was originally supposed to host FOX’s “World’s Deadliest Executions. I believe he even recorded the part too, but the writers wisely considered recasting the part following Hartman’s death. Ed McMahon is a well suited replacement, if only to have him doing his patented “Hi-yohh!” immediately following Snake’s death.
– Great moment with Dr. Nick prepping for Homer’s surgery, holding up a syringe that will make the operation feel like a wonderful dream. He proceeds to punch Homer to knock him out, then injects himself, and drowsily utilizes a pizza cutter to tear at Homer’s scalp.
– Chief Wiggum is as incompetent as ever here, busy sucking on a Squishee and disregarding Apu’s mangled corpse shoved inside the machine (“Jeez, Lou, how long were you going to let me keep drinking this thing?”) and later in his attempted arrest of Homer (“You’re under arrest for the murders of Moe Syzslak and Apu Nahassa… passa… well, just Moe, just Moe.”)
– I like the animation of the sentient hair piece shaking its “fist,” and just how many bullets it takes for it to stay down.
– The reveal of Homer’s tattered hobo clothes to not be a costume is an easy joke, but I do like his harmonica-assisted lament of Bart and Lisa’s plight (“Mama took those batteries / she took ’em away / Mama took those batteries / Size double-A!”), swiftly cut off by Bart slamming the kitchen door, a door we’ve never seen before or since.
– Its random and pointless, but I still like the reappearance of Poochie, if only to have him mowed down mercilessly.
– I guess Regis and Kathie Lee are the only guest stars to appear in live action. Can anyone prove me wrong? They make a pretty sweet cameo, with Kathie Lee as bitchy as ever (“That’s it! I’m going home! Dom DeLouise can interview himself!”)
– Homer and Marge take alien Maggie to Dr. Hibbert, who offers up his educated prescription (“Fire, and lots of it!” “Oh, that’s your cure for everything.”)
– I love the censor subversion of Kang’s exclamation “Holy flerking schnit!” If you’re not really paying attention, it basically sounds like the genuine article.
– Two great moments of male insecurity: upon finding Marge has “made it” with an alien monster, Homer sobs uncontrollably, only to quickly snap back and ask, “Was he better than me?” Then in the flashback we see the “mating” consisted of Kang shooting a ray gun at Marge’s head for a split second. She comments how fast it was, to which Kang defensively responds, “What are you implying?”
– Kang and Kodos pull out all the stops for their breeding program (“To put you at ease, we have recreated the most common spawning locations of your species. You may choose either the back seat of a Camaro, an airplane bathroom, a friend’s wedding, or the alley behind a porno theater.”) Marge remains indignant (“I absolutely refuse to go along with this… but since I have no choice, I’ll take the alley.”)
– There’s a fair share of great lines on the Springer show: Homer’s response to Jerry asking how he felt about the situation (“It made me angry, Jerry. Angry and tired,”) Kang’s “I hear all!!“, and the final bit of Maggie killing Jerry, with Kang and Homer exchanging blows, to which Marge laments, “I’m so [bleep]ing embarrassed…”
– A rather dated ADR line when Kang and Kodos leave to wipe out all of Earth’s politicians, Bart comments, “Don’t forget Ken Starr!” Yeah, because Bart totally knows who that is.

(originally aired September 27, 1998)
While the season premiere was aggressively awful, this episode is of a different color, namely in that it’s incredibly dry from start to finish. Despite a third act twist that seems like it should be a lot more biting, the tone throughout this show remains constant, and it’s something I can’t quite place. Marge forbids Bart from hanging out with troublemaker Nelson, but he ignores her plea so he can try out the hoodlum’s new BB gun. Bart ends up accidentally killing an innocent bird, which Marge finds out about, causing her to effectively give up on her son, having been disappointed one too many times. This episode has shades of “Marge Be Not Proud” since it’s about Bart trying to do right by his mother, except this one feels so much more heavy-handed. Nelson taunting Bart to shoot the bird feels like it belongs in an after-school special about peer pressure, and his remorse afterwards basically engulfs the entire episode. The first act ends with an extended slow zoom on Bart dropping the gun and looking regretful. The rest of the show never shakes this bummer feeling.

Bart finds two lone eggs in the newly empty nest and takes it upon himself to care for the orphaned birds until they hatch. Sounds scintillating, doesn’t it? I wouldn’t say it’s wildly out of character for Bart to want to make good like this, but it’s not something I’m that interested in watching, and there’s not much in terms of jokes you can milk from it. Act two is kind of one big dead zone. Around that you have Marge’s dissatisfaction with her son, which I felt worked a lot better in “Proud.” Her disillusionment of Bart stealing was a whole lot more interesting than her over-dramatic throwing up of her hands (“You wanna play with little hoodlums? Fine. Have fun killing things.”) As if the episode wasn’t overbearing enough. The mother-son disconnect in “Proud” felt very genuine and purposeful, but here, it comes off as very sour, and gives the entire episode this feeling of unease and displeasure. Not that I want every episode to be a laugh riot, but I don’t want to feel down either.

The clever twist is that the two eggs hatch to reveal Bolivian tree lizards, a species who eat bird’s eggs and lay their own in their place, so their newly hatched young can feast upon the mother bird. Bart comes to find that the lizards are federally banned for this reason, and the local birdwatching society seeks to put an end to them. It’s kind of interesting, but given that you need to have a scene or two to explain what the lizards are and their backstory, it’s not as easy to digest to make it a fantastic twist. This revelation gives us more sad, crying Bart, who’s come to care for these lizards, and Marge assists him to get away from the birdwatching mob. In the end, the lizards are set free, but end up being an unseen blessing in that they dramatically reduce the pigeon population in Springfield, although now they’re overrun with lizards instead. When this episode wasn’t making me uncomfortable, it was boring more than anything, with only a few select laughs to cut through the doldrums. Ultimately, it’s just downright forgettable.

Tidbits and Quotes
– I like the bit at the very beginning with Homer’s mail call (“One stinkin’ letter? Why’d you make us gather ’round like that?” “I needed my power fix.”)
– The Family Fun Center set piece isn’t fantastic, but it’s got a few good things: Marge’s slow and steady speed on the go-karts, Nelson knocking Milhouse’s kart off the track, which of course bursts into flames, and Bart’s pathetic choice of prizes with his paltry amount of tickets. But then we also have Homer at the batting cage, which is just him wailing and getting hurt repeatedly, though I do Bart and Lisa’s commentary as balls continue to pelt their father’s motionless body (“Hang in there, Dad, just half a basket left!” “Wow, you sure get a lot of balls for a quarter.”)
– I kinda like how Bart purposely aims to miss the bird but hits it anyway, with Nelson commenting how Bart’s such a pro for compensating for the crooked sight.
– In his last appearance, Troy McClure stars in “Birds: Our Fine Feathered Colleagues,” a video which is pretty much the only bright spot here. Hartman is golden as always (“Precious eggs. If they’re to survive, they require the gentle warmth and tender love that only a mother can provide. Or better yet, a seventy-five watt bulb.”) Maybe not the best episode to go out on, but with the video ending with his callous response to little Jimmy and giving a big ol’ shit-eating grin to the camera, that’s just how I want to remember him. Farewell, Mr. McClure.
– Call me hypocritical for besmirching the batting cage bit, but I like Homer repeatedly falling down the stairs. First it works as a quick joke where Bart talks about finding a light bulb “lying around,” then we see Homer flick on the absent basement light and take a tumble. Then we see it again randomly in a montage, then much later after the whole lizard reveal and you’ve forgotten about it, Homer says he’s going to eat the remaining pies in the basement, and we get hit once more with it. That’s the way you make Homer getting gratuitously hurt be funny.
– The birdwatching society is filled with recognizable faces, some of which make sense, some don’t. Skinner is perfect as the leader, some like Jasper, Apu and even Moe make a little sense, but Edna? Mr. Burns? Kind of like bringing back Alison in “Lard of the Dance,” this is more of a growing trend of inserting as many recognizable characters into scenes as possible, without much regard whether it makes sense for them to be there.
– I like Skinner listing off the tree lizard’s target birds (“It’s already wiped out the Dodo, the Cuckoo, and the Ne-Ne, and it has nasty plans for the Booby, the Titmouse, the Woodcock, and the Titpecker.”) I don’t care for how bloodthirsty he seems to be, though: putting the lizards in the paper cutter works as a quick gag, but then he proceeds to hold up a power drill and talks about preparing for splatter… that doesn’t seem like Skinner. Also, this exchange (“Wow, did you know they had those webbed flaps for gliding?” “Yes, but I was hoping they didn’t know that.”) Why is Skinner a moron all of a sudden?
– Nice paltry gift Quimby bestows upon Bart for unleashing the lizards: a scented candle (“Mmmm… loganberry.”)

(originally aired September 20, 1998)
Well, this is our official season premiere, and boy oh boy is it a bad sign. I had more problems with “Lard of the Dance” then I remembered, but I still kind of enjoyed it on the whole. This one is pretty damn terrible, from its directionless beginning to its ridiculous twist ending. I knew we were trouble from the start: hearing on the radio that the new average life expectancy, Homer realizes he’s already lived half his life, stops his car on the freeway, wanders through traffic and picks up the phone in the call box thinking he’s talking to his wife. I don’t know, I guess the writers think it’s funny to see how unbelievably stupid they can make Homer, which may be amusing just talking about it in the writer’s room, but actually seeing it in the show, it just makes him less like an actual person and more of a caricatured dolt. The leap to the main story couldn’t be more tenuous: the family’s film projector breaks, prompting Lisa to comment that it was originally invented by Thomas Edison. Homer then becomes obsessed with researching the man, then realizes that his life can be fulfilled if he follows in Edison’s footsteps and becomes an inventor. Your guess is as good as mine as to how this make sense.

There’s not much to comment on in act two, since nothing at all really happens. Really. Homer sequesters himself in the basement to come up with ideas for inventions, so it’s just scene after scene of either him trying to jump start his brain (a nigh impossible task) or the other members of the family coming down to help and/or bother him. Eventually he comes up with four awful contraptions, which are faulty products, but still seem too well done. I mean, Homer couldn’t even build a spice rack properly, you think he’d be able to make an electric hammer? Or a make-up gun which he hilariously holds up and shoots in his wife’s face? Marge tells her husband as politely as she can that the inventions are fucking terrible, which he takes to heart. “I’m not saying you’re a bad inventor…” she starts off. Why? This is another thing that would develop over these seasons, when it’s a wacky Homer story, the other Simpsons are just tag-alongs, enabling him in his goofy antics. Later when they discover Homer’s chair with two extra legs, they shower him with praise and give him a group hug with big smiles on their faces. It’s a really eerie shot, like they need to cheer up this mentally insane person or fear the consequences. They’re treating a delusional idiot with kid’s gloves or something.

Now we get to the big dumb ending. Homer finds that he subconsciously stole the six-legged chair idea from his Edison poster, which leaves him with only one option: go to Menlo Park, find said chair and destroy it. Bart questions this, thinking his father loved Edison. Homer replies, “Ah, the hell with him!” He’s spent the entire episode praising the man’s name, now fuck this guy, smashy smashy, I’m an inventor too! But before he can commit the deed, he finds that Edison had the same stupid invention graph as he did, competing with his own idol Leonardo Da Vinci for the most patents held. Totally makes sense. Then the finale of the show is that Homer leaves his electric hammer behind in the museum, which is then credited to Edison and his newly wealthy heirs. Still totally makes sense. I chuckled a handful of times here, but this one’s an absolute mess beginning to end. What’s most puzzling to me is that it was written by John Swartzwelder, who penned some of the greatest episodes of the show’s history, and his detective novellas are just as hilarious. Meanwhile, he also wrote some of the worst episodes ever: this one, “Kill the Alligator and Run,” “Simpson Safari,” and so on. Lots of talented people still work on this show, are these seasons just a higher form of comedy? Or is it all a big damn joke? Well either way, I’m not laughing.

Tidbits and Quotes
– I like Homer’s vision of his funeral, featuring multi-Oscar-winning Barney, President Lenny and Heckle and Jeckle for some reason. The shot of the dump truck dropping Homer’s bloated corpse into the ground is pretty funny.
– I feel like there’s some kind of meat that could be pulled from Homer’s mid-life crisis. I like his line about not being able to remember anything (“You know how many memories I have? Three! Standing in line for a movie, having a key made, and sitting here talking to you. Thirty-eight years and that’s all I have to show for it!”) I have a piss poor memory, I can’t imagine what it’s going to be when I get that old. Spring boarding from that to the family showing him the home movies of his achievements makes sense, but then the show completely derails. I do love the shot of Homer’s space shuttle ramming the Mir station. Wonder how they got that footage.
– Homer at the school library starts out fine, citing some unexplained “unpleasantness” at the “big people library.” But then he acts more infantile than Bart and is quick with a “SCHOOL” pennant to show the librarian. There was a weird sort of pennant running gag through the Scully years for some reason… don’t know what that was about.
– Homer’s Edison obsession is really boring. I don’t get why they thought this was a good idea.
– I like the bit where Homer backs up from his work, then rushes toward the paper, hoping kinetic momentum will jog an idea out of him, but… nothing.
– The scene with Homer and Frink is indicative of how empty this episode feels. Homer wants to be an inventor to give his life meaning, but doesn’t know what the fuck he’s doing at all (“I just wanna know how to invent things. Tell me!”) As a result, the whole episode feels very meandering and meaningless. At least we got Frink’s hamburger earmuffs out of it (“These babies will be in the stores while he’s still grappling with the pickle matrix!”)
– Homer holding the gun up to Marge’s face is slightly uncomfortable. But then again he did it in “The Cartridge Family,” but it made more sense story-wise there. And I hate his line, “Women will like what I tell them to like!” It just encapsulates this new Homer attitude, that he thinks he’s better than everyone else and he’s the only one that matters. Remember when he was kind of a humble guy?
– I like the bit with Edison’s ghost getting “run over” by Homer, him screaming back at him, then Homer backing up as Edison worriedly hides behind some bushes.
– The only really great stuff in the show is at the Edison Museum: the sign out front, “No Gang Colors,” the tour guide’s lame riddle much to the crowd’s amusement, Edison’s boyhood gift shop, and an incredible tease (“Now, behind that door is Edison’s actual preserved brain. Ordinarily, folks, tour groups are not allowed to see it. And of course, today will be no exception.”)
– The ending is so goddamn stupid with that Edison/Da Vinci poster. And it doesn’t really close off the Homer inventor story at all, just his sporadic random intention to destroy Edison that we got a mere three minutes ago. Also apparently Bart knows who Da Vinci is.
– The framing for the final shot of Homer on his toilet chair is pretty poor. We clearly see that he’s right next to Bart on the couch up until the last shot. I’m all for cheats, but only if you try a little hard to cover them up.