(originally aired January 23, 2000)
Like “Hello Gutter, Hello Fadder,” this is a relatively new breed of episode, one we’d see often in the future. It’s a “stuff just happens” show; there’s a lot of different tenuously connected set pieces, and things definitely do happen, but none of it is cohesive or has a consistent theme whatsoever. Also the actual point of the story is unclear. What exactly is this episode about? If it’s about Homer desperately wanting to cling to this billionaire high life, they sure did a poor job communicating it. We open at the Springfield Pride Awards, hosted by Kent Brockman and… Britney Spears. Now, many celebrities have appeared at hometown events in the past (Leonard Nimoy, Barry White, James Brown, and so on), but all of them either were somewhat related to the subject of the event, and were really funny. As preposterous as it was for a big star to be at a local festival, you accepted that they were there. But megastar Britney Spears hosting this? No way. Just more bullshit stunt casting.

At said award show, Mr. Burns realizes he’s the oldest man in Springfield, and decides he’s due for a medical check-up. So who will watch his spacious mansion when he’s gone? One of his many servants, cronies, or business friends? Nope, let’s just get that big dumb idiot to do it. This is more sanitized Burns, he’s stuck in his helpless old man mode we saw in “The Old Man and the Lisa.” His ruthless nature appears to have evaporated. His reaction to the doctor’s bad news feels so pathetic, when I feel he should be irritated in some way. But anyway, the Simpsons take residence at Burns Manor, where, as I’ve said, stuff happens. It’s a bunch of isolated scenes at first, then seem to be gearing towards Homer planning a big party before Burns returns. Homer’s a blind moron here, driving drunk in the house, swishing Brandy over his daughter’s face, and just being a generally irresponsible man child. This idea of Homer living the high life and not wanting to give it up feels like it had potential, but it appears none of it actually made it to the screen.

When he finds out booze can’t be sold until 2pm on Sundays, Homer holds his party on international waters, where they can drink all they want. Having everyone go out to sea for the third act kind of divorces yourself from your main story. You know what else does that too? Fucking pirates. The ship is attacked and taken over by pirates. What exactly is the point of all this? And what the fuck is happening? We get an unwelcome return of dumb action sequence endings that occurred in every single season 10 episode, even though we’re on a boat and Homer has no place he can hide or get away to. It’s all just clumsy filler, and I’m busy checking my watch praying it will be over soon. So we end on improbable and moronic reasoning for their escape, Burns returning neutered as ever, and a tacky hokey resolution to the main “story.” To some degree, I don’t even feel I can hate an episode like this or “Hello Gutter, Hello Fadder.” They don’t even seem to try to be about anything or make a point, so at least they didn’t fail at their mission. But still, this is what the series has become? Aimless non-stories with unrelated sequences and an ending with goddamn pirates? Not The Simpsons I know…

Tidbits and Quotes
– The whole Springfield Pride Awards idea bothers me. When we’re at the point where we’re showing Lenny and the other characters getting awards, it’s getting closer and closer to everyone in town knowing everyone else. Everyone in town has their own little separate social circles, like any major town, but soon Barney will know who Cletus is, or the Sea Captain will acknowledge Milhouse. This is a town full of pride for good ol’ Jebediah and their history, but I’m not too sure they have much pride in each other. Plus there’s no good jokes in the scene whatsoever. I smirked at Cornelius Chapman taking a bullet for Huey Long. And oh, Britney Spears’s kiss kills the old man. Hilarious. And Brockman acts so cavalier about it, nudging his corpse aside. Feels more cruel than funny to me.
– “Who’s that fellow who always screws up and creates havoc?” “Homer Simpson, sir?” “Yes! The way I see it, he’s due for a good performance!” I hate, hate, hate this bit. It’s not enough that he’d trust Homer, but that he acknowledges that he’d fuck shit up at his house. Why would Burns do this? It’s just a clumsy wink-and-nod about how of course he’s going to pick the Simpsons, but they could have done it in a way that was funny (call back to Smithers’s database search in “Homer the Smithers.”)
– We see Marge’s painting of Burns from “Brush With Greatness” in the hallway, with his genitals obscured by a nearby flower. Just makes me wish I were watching that episode instead.
– Pretty crass and out-of-character joke of Marge scratching her ass with the supposed ass-scratching fork.
– I like the animation of when Homer collapses from the brandy, the glass shifting around and hitting his head with a “tink” sound.
– One of the few parts I liked was Homer’s call to Thailand, where he “uh-huhs” once or twice before commenting, “That’s some language you got there. And you talk like that 24/7, huh?”
– I kind of like the explanation of Burns’s condition (Three Stooges syndrome), but it does feel way too dumb. Burns’s callous reaction to it doesn’t help much either.
– I really don’t have much to say about the boat stuff. Just the characters acting like idiots and pirates show up. And as if we didn’t have enough physically impossible things this season, the net full of people floats. Any explanation for this? No. Whatever. Fuck you.
– Dan Castellaneta does an amusing ad-lib over the credits, screaming and whining about how everyone is rich. An adequate way to end an abysmal show.

(originally aired January 16, 2000)
Some of these episodes are getting harder and harder to write about. I liked a few parts of this one, and the core idea is something that could have worked… maybe, but by the third act basically everything collapses into empty tension and stupidity. A lot of it just felt very vacuous overall. We start with Homer returning to Springfield University for an alumni party, which is dangerous territory, given the inevitable comparison to one of the greatest episodes ever, “Homer Goes to College.” His old nerd buddies return, but they feel more like generic nerd characters than they did before. Dean Peterson is gone and replaced with an actual crusty old dean, and having Homer’s hatred and pranking of him actually be justified is a lot less funny than him being misguided. This is one of the first times the show has attempted to go back to the well, mining old characters and set pieces to try and either have lightning strike twice or get petty recognition points from viewers. It would get more egregious as time went on, but here it’s not so terrible, since it’s only part of the first act. It’s more a harbinger than anything else.

Homer’s prank backfires and he ends up with a bucket glued to his head, with no hope for removal. His salvation comes when the family winds up at the service of Brother Faith, a faith healer showman who claims he can expel Satan’s hold from the afflicted. He has Bart remove the bucket from his father’s head, and informs the boy that he has “the power.” Bart takes this to heart, and starts his own faith healing charade in his backyard. I felt this story would have worked a lot better starting smaller, then building from there, like maybe have Bart’s sermons just be for the kids, then expand into gullible adults. It kind of does this with Bart using his new “skills” at the schoolyard, but then right after that he does some kick boxing moves in church and everyone (even Flanders) wildly applauds. Next thing you know everyone’s going to Bart’s “church,” leaving Lovejoy a shepard without a flock. If the show really wanted to be about faith healing, why not make it more about Lovejoy’s response to this more upbeat, in-your-face sermonizing? The title of the show is “Faith Off,” after all, and it would have made more sense.

The third act takes place at the college football game between Springfield U and Springfield A&M, in an attempt to bridge both “plots” together. Homer has decided to make a homecoming float, of his own accord for some reason, but ends up driving it onto the field drunk and mowing down the star player. Pretty irresponsible behavior, right? Is he arrested? Punished? Nah. He’s also sober by the next scene, when Fat Tony randomly appears, who has money on the game, wanting retribution. Homer hopes to wiggle out of his by having Bart attempt to “heal” the athlete. I guess it’s supposed to be a sweet moment when Bart says he’ll do it for his dad, but when Homer caused the problem to begin with and is using his son to get him out of it, you don’t feel so bad for Homer as much as you start to get pissed at him. The episode ends in such a ridiculous fashion that it almost becomes funny (almost) and cuts to credits on a dull groaner of a line. This episode’s got a bit of a leg up (ha ha ha…) on “Little Big Mom” for having a few good jokes and ideas, but ultimately feels just as disposable.

Tidbits and Quotes
– I like the nerd Benjamin’s enthusiasm over his contribution to society: a device that downloads Internet porn a million times faster. Homer is very appreciative.
– One of the only bright spots in this episode is Springfield U’s “all-American” kicker Anton Lubchenko, football all-star with a Communications major (“Is phony major! Lubchenko learn nothing! Nothing!”)
– The twist of a bucket of glue already being over the Dean’s door, and no one noticing it, is pretty dumb, but I think it still works. It was those rascals from Kappa Gamma Tau (“Last in grades, first in pranks!”)
– It really doesn’t make much sense that Hibbert can’t remove the bucket. Again, he’s becoming less and less of a professional each episode he’s in. I do like the horrifying squish noise made when Bart permeates Homer’s eye with a drill, and also the animation of Homer’s limited POV driving and ending up in a ditch (“That had nothing to do with the bucket.”)
– Don Cheadle gives an energetic performance as Brother Faith, he did a pretty great job. My favorite part is when he searches for a “holy helper” to assist Homer (“Someone who believes!”) He turns to Lisa, who emphatically says no. Faith recovers, “Okay, movin’ on!” and goes over to Bart. I also love how violent he is in helping Cletus (“I done sprained my elby-bone, so it goes in the oppositty direction”) and Krusty, who gets his comedy “K’s” back (“King Kong cold-cocked Kato Kaelin! Hey, you Gentiles are alright!”)
– More brain dead Homer as he draws flip books of Moe in a hula skirt, and when Lisa tells him to think of something school-related for his float, he draws Superman fighting Godzilla. Homer’s funnier when he’s dim, not mentally disabled.
– “Testify” is an alright song, I guess. It fits the atmosphere of the scene and has a nice rhythm to it. But it certainly can’t stand up to some of the greats of the show’s past. It was used as the title song of the third album they put out of all the songs from seasons 11-on, and you can certainly hear the difference in quality if you want to venture and give it a listen.
– There’s a really awkward joke delivered by Milhouse at the start of the third act (“This cast is real itchy, and I tried to scratch and the fork got stuck in there and I think there was some food on the fork.”) Then we see ants climbing into his cast. It’s such a clumsy and lengthy line read for such a minor joke. We’d see plenty more of those in the future.
– Nice bit with Brockman’s frustration at his nephew repeatedly using “fever” in his report, having lost his thesaurus (“In preparation for the big game, Springfield Stadium has caught additional seating capacity fever!”)
– I like Captain McAllister approaching Bart to help him, but being turned away, having to look elsewhere to ease his crippling depression. Bart is surprised (“Man, and I thought he had it all.”)
– Homer somehow manages to build a gigantic float that has a working mechanical arm on top of it. How did he manage that? Also, I think the joke of his float being offensive and grotesque would have worked a lot better if the actual Springfield U float didn’t feature a public hanging of their rival’s mascot.
– Part of me likes how stupid the ending is. That shot of the dismembered leg flying in to kick the ball again over the goal post is so ridiculous. But why oh why would Hibbert not attempt to recover the leg? Why is he becoming as incompetent as Dr. Nick these days?

(originally aired January 9, 2000)
This episode has a weird presence to it, for one reason or another, nothing really felt right for the whole running time. It’s kind of hard to explain. From the opening set piece to the main thrust of the story to the random ending, it was all so off, like some novice writer took his stab at writing an episode without really understanding the series. At the start, things just feel so lazy as the show attempts to jump into the skiing opening by acknowledging how random and abrupt the transition is. It doesn’t work. The first act is pretty much laugh-free, save for the famous “Stupid sexy Flanders!” bit, which is immediately made irritating as Homer gets hit in the crotch repeatedly while screaming at the top of his lungs. Hey guys, volume does not equal funny.

So the crux of the story is Lisa filling in for Marge in keeping the house together, but realizing it’s more hassle than she thought. Now, this whole premise doesn’t work for two big reasons. Firstly, it’s an egregious example of having Homer and Bart being partners in crime rather than father and son. Call back to “Bart After Dark” and their hilarious lazy and awkward escapades at having the house to themselves. Here they’re two big kids, horsing around at the hospital and Homer laughing derisively at his daughter’s request to turn the TV down. Homer is a man child for sure, but not to this degree. Second, I feel this role doesn’t exactly befit Lisa. It’s sort of reminiscent of “My Sister, My Sitter” where she wants to be viewed as more mature, but this is a bigger leap. Episodes like “Homer Alone” and “Marge in Chains” have shown how the house goes to shit without Marge, where we see that Lisa is just as much a kid needing her mother as anyone. Lisa the authority figure just feels like her flimsy adult-child characterization she’d be saddled with later on.

To get back at her father and brother, Lisa makes them think they have leprosy by applying fake oatmeal and poster paint sores on their body. I can buy this a little bit, like you could use the joke that Homer and Bart don’t bathe to explain why the sores stay on. But when Flanders takes pity on them and sends them to Hawaii, all good will evaporates. How could these trained professionals not see it’s just fucking oatmeal? It just felt so silly, and not in a good way. This whole episode is filled with either big dead spots with no laughs, or stuff that makes no sense and feels out of character. Like “Take My Wife, Sleaze,” despite its laundry list of problems, I can’t say I hate this one, but I certainly rue and lament it.

Tidbits and Quotes
– Even the Itchy and Scratchy feels wrong. It’s way too long with too light of a payoff.
– The skiing opening is pretty much a dead zone. I like the name Mt. Embolism, but all the other material just kind of laid there.
– I hate Homer and Bart at the hospital, but I do like this exchange (“You’re wasting thousands of dollars of interferon!” “And you’re interfere-on with our good time!”) Also, what happened to Hibbert being a competent doctor? A bone in Marge’s leg piercing her brain? What?
– Homer is not only a complete child but in full idiot mode here. Having him talk into that candy phone like it was real was pretty aggravating in that’s what they felt was a great joke.
– I like Tress MacNeille’s grizzled Lucille Ball voice. The sequence was kind of silly, but it has the only few laughs in this show (“Lucy Macgillacudy Ricardo Carmichael. And I think there’s some more.”)
– I guess it’s kind of neat they got the AOL guy to voice the Virtual Doctor. Kind of. A little. …not really. Though I do like that it’s from the creator of “Sim Sandwich.”
– Apart from “stupid sexy Flanders,” the only other golden bit occurs when Bart and Homer claw through Ned’s mail slot like zombies (“Braaains… braaaiins… use your brains to help us! Your delicious braaiins…”) There’s a few other amusing bits there too, with Ned being upset Maude saw Ben Hur without him, and urging his boys to get him the alcohol-free alcohol.
– It involves more Homer screaming and yelling, but I really like the performance of Dan Castellaneta singing “Aloha Oe” punctuated with needle lacerations. And the Hawaiian version of the end theme is pretty great. At least I can give the ending that.

(originally aired December 19, 1999)
I don’t know if any personal nostalgia is taking over, but as rough as this season is, there’s still quite a number of iconic elements in it. Funzo is one of them, the result of tireless market research cobbling together every conceivably dumb want a kid could ask for in a toy. It’s an abjectly pandering, soulless corporate money-making machine, and as such, Funzo is creepy as hell. This is a pretty solid Christmas show, taking a look at the capitalist side of the holiday, aping on the then-recent frenzies over toys like Furby and Tickle Me Elmo. Our path to get here is a bit silly, but it kind of works. Bart ends up with his ass in a cast and Skinner is forced to finally make his school handicap accessible. And by ‘forced,’ I mean bamboozled by Fat Tony and his goons, who construct ridiculous ramps all around the building which instantly collapse upon its grand opening. While it feels a little dumb that they’d seriously make it out of bread sticks, and Skinner is a bit too wimpy in not raising complaints earlier, it’s the level of stupid that is ridiculous, but doesn’t go too far as to not be funny.

In order to pay off the mob, Springfield Elementary must close its doors. But before long, they reopen, thanks to the efforts of Kid First Industries, who aim to engage kids by talking about their favorite toys and why they love them. I really like this conceit; similar to how junk food and soda companies want their products and brands present in schools, this is the next step: completely usurping children’s education in order to do market research to make their dumb toys sell well. Lisa eventually discovers what’s going on, just in time for Kid First to get out of dodge and use their ill-gotten information to unleash a new toy unto the world. Enter Funzo, a precocious Furby-like creature who boasts everything a kid could want, regardless of any purpose to the toy itself. The marketing campaign is quite aggressive (“Funzo! Funzo! Funzo! If you don’t have Funzo, you’re nothin’!”) The toy of course is a humungous hit, with the two Kid First heads eating up the footage of people getting trampled at local stores trying to get their hands on the new hot toy.

As if this isn’t bad enough, Bart and Lisa are shocked to find that the Funzo dolls are literally wiping out their competition as it proceeds to destroy all their other toys. A visit to Kid First ends up being fruitless, so they’re left to resort to other measures. They enlist Homer to sneak into everyone’s houses on Christmas Eve to confiscate all the Funzos and destroy them. Their plan goes off without a hitch, until the arrival of security guard Gary Coleman. He initially appears as a superfluous cameo, but he gets a fair share of great lines and I love how the plot is “resolved” as he and the Simpsons have a long discussion over the corporate hijacking of Xmas, before coming to a sound conclusion (“Lets just agree that the commercialization of Christmas is, at best, a mixed blessing.” “Amen.”) This is a pretty great episode, with a thoughtful core topic, lots of great bits, and kind of a heartwarming ending, as holiday story cliches fly hard and fast, including one to explain how the school ultimately reopened. And especially compared to the last Xmas show, this one is pretty golden.

Tidbits and Quotes
– Not sure why Marge has a box of wigs in her closet. I like Homer’s thought process upon walking in on Bart and Milhouse (“What’s going on?! And I want a non-gay explanation!” “Uh… we’re drunk. Really drunk.” “Oh, thank God.”)
– Bart’s butt cast is pretty silly, but I do like the family laughing at hearing Hibbet say ‘coccyx’ (even Marge), and the medical interns vigorously taking notes staring at Bart’s ass. And good thing Hibbert installed that viewing window, how else would he… relieve himself?
– I do think Skinner is a bit too wimpy, but Fat Tony’s got some great lines here (“Do we really need all those ramps?” “Who’s to say? Does a peacock need all those feathers?” “Look, you’re getting a little philosophical for me.” “I suppose so. They say it happens in the autumn years.”) We also get the great line, “I don’t get mad. I get stabby.”
– Great speech from Skinner at the groundbreaking ceremony (“This is a proud day. Now when people ask if we’re in compliance the Americans with Disabilities Act of 1975, I can say, we are closer than ever before! To inaugurate our ramp system, here’s the first of what I hope will be many disabled students, Bart Simpson!”)
– I love Milhouse’s explosive enthusiasm of describing his dream toy (“Its eyes should be telescopes! No, periscopes! No, microscopes! Can you come back to me?”)
– It’s great how the name that Lisa gives off the top of her head ultimately becomes the name of the toy. It shows just how little thought the company is willing to put into these things. Also great is the role reversal of Lisa having to write on the chalkboard as punishment for doing math in class. Bart eats it up (“Lisa’s in trouble. The ironing is delicious.” “The word is ‘irony’.” “Huh?”)
– Classic bit from Krusty as he signs off for the season (“So, have a merry Christmas, a happy Hanukkah, a kwazy Kwanza, a tip-top Tet, and a solemn, dignified Ramadan. Now a word from my god: our sponsor.”)
– I love the ridiculous accessories you can get for Funzo: Funzo’s dream fortress, Funzo’s lower back pain chair, Funzo’s European Voltage converter…
– More great Springfield mob mentality as Lenny breaks through the glass store door with a giant candy cane and the masses rush to get their Funzos. Lindsay Naegle, watching on a security feed, says she’d like it more if there were some trampling. Cut to Moe getting stampeded over (“Ow! Now why would you wear cleats to a store?!”)
– The best line of the show comes from Coleman, pulling up to bust Homer, Bart and Lisa (“Well, what do we have here? Looks like the biggest rip-off since Webster!”)

(originally aired November 28, 1999)
To me, there are two different kinds of bad episodes. The first type elicits a great negative response, that the content is fundamentally egregious and terrible; episodes like “Kidney Trouble” or “Beyond Blunderdome” are examples of this. But then there are episodes that don’t garner such an angry response, but are filled to the brim with awfulness. This is one of those episodes. Why shows like these go in the latter column are varied, but in the case of this one, as with others, is that I feel that there is a nugget of a good idea buried in here somewhere, but absolutely nothing is done with it. We open with the family going to a retro ’50s diner, a set piece that is wholly disposable, and only needed so we can get Homer on a motorcycle. Bart teaches him to ride it, another useless sequence that makes no sense, and before long, Homer is inspired to form a motorcycle gang, acting like a street punk and being an overall nuisance toward the townspeople and his family.

When we get to seeing Homer, Lenny, Flanders and others standing out front of the Kwik-E-Mart flipping pennies, I have to wonder just exactly what the fuck is going on in this episode. Is this Homer trying to live out a cool life he’s seen on TV? For what purpose? I don’t know. The plot turns when it’s revealed Homer has accidentally named his group Hell’s Satans after an existing biker gang, who are none too happy about it. As retribution, they crash at the Simpson house, making it a total filthy wreck. Now, part of me kind of likes this idea. I love John Goodman as the leader Meathook, and Henry Winkler giving a more subdued performance as his right hand man Ramrod. Some of their reads are genuinely funny (“Mrs. Simpson! I killed my pencil!” “Broke. You broke your pencil.” “I… broke him.”) But it takes so long to get to this point, almost the halfway mark. The diner, teaching Homer to bike, Homer’s dumb gang antics, all of this worthless material that could have been shaved down to move the story along.

Things come to a head when the bikers leave and take Marge with them, but ultimately she ends up nurturing them, helping them write their resumes and to use words instead of violence. Then Homer comes out of nowhere and starts beating the crap out of everyone. Now, here’s where I see the fleeting potential. If they had built up Marge’s relationship with the bikers a bit more, and expanded this a bit further, it could have been kind of neat. She reforms them into model citizens, and meanwhile we could have seen Homer getting increasingly more rash and angrier searching for his wife. In the end, he’s a total monster, beating the shit out of the now docile bikers. A nice role reversal. But instead, the bikers revert back to their old selves so them can have a showdown. A showdown that ends with them swordfighting with fucking motorcycles. For God’s sake… So, yeah, as I said, almost nothing in this episode works at all, but I still don’t hold as much ire toward it as other truly terrible shows. Rather than white hot rage, it’s more of a groan of disappointment. Uggh…

Tidbits and Quotes
– I like the opening with the Guinness World Records show. It’s not so much a parody as it is an accurate depiction of what it was.
– Some of the newspaper headline regalia at the diner is pretty great (Study: Teens Rarely Pregnant, We All Agree: Conformity Is Best).
– The scene with Jay North is kind of neat, I guess. Matt Groening told a story way back when of watching the Dennis the Menace show, and being ramped up at seeing the little hellion he was in the animated opening title sequence, and being disappointed that the show never lived up to that level of mischief. So Bart acts as Groening here, completely disinterested in the genuine article. North’s a great sport about tit.
– The Alan Gins-burger and Polio Dog have nothing on the Eyeball Stew and the Baby Guts from “Itchy & Scratchy Land.”
– I guess Homer and Marge’s ridiculous dance routine kind of parodies the resurgence of bombastic swing music, but it feels kind of uncomfortable seeing Homer swing Marge by her hair. That must hurt. Also it’s not funny. That also hurts.
– I like Bart laughing at his father not knowing how to ride a bike, then graciously accepts his request for him to teach him. But the montage itself is lame. Homer’s pants and shirt get caught up in the chain, the motorcycle slips up and has enough momentum to fly up and crash into the Simpson roof, just a bunch of shit that makes no sense whatsoever, but hey, who cares, it’s a cartoon, right?!
– I hate everything about Homer’s gang, except for Moe suggesting their name be the Christ Punchers, and Ned’s flustered response (“I don’t think you understand my objection…”)
– There’s a lot of neat animation in this episode, particularly with Meathook bursting through the Simpson house on his bike and riding up onto Homer and Marge’s bed.
– Part of me feels they pushed how dumb the bikers are a little too far, but that kind of makes it absurd in a good way. Goodman and Winkler’s performances also help (“Haven’t any of you ever had a dream?” “Yeah, I had a dream! I was in this beautiful garden, pounding the crap out of a shopkeeper!” “No, no, I mean the dream of a good job, a loving family, and a home in the suburbs.” “Aw, man, to get all that you’d have to kill, like, fifty people!”)
– There’s a lot of weird out-of-place sex references in this episode: Homer telling his kids to order a Korean love bride, the bikers wanting to bring Marge to an orgy… it just doesn’t feel right.
– Honestly, I’m still reeling from Maggie pulling Homer to shore two episodes ago, but now not only do we have Homer and Meathook holding up motorcycles and using them as swords, but Marge manages to throw one up to her husband to use. I mean, seriously, this is way too far. Don’t give me this bullshit, it doesn’t make any sense. You’re not that kind of cartoon, it doesn’t fit here.