(originally aired April 19, 2009)
Alright, what classic episode are we rehashing this week? Oh, it’s “Bart’s Girlfriend,” except if the first act was the entire episode with no interesting twist? Or anything interesting whatsoever? Great! So here’s the story: Bart meets this girl Jenny, who’s a goody two-shoes good Samaritan, and must pretend to be good to get her to like him. That’s the episode. That’s it. In “Bart’s Girlfriend,” we saw similarly with him trying to win over Jessica Lovejoy, but then it actually went somewhere. Here, it’s just… nothing. I’m not even going to try to compare these two, because it would be way too unfair. So who is Jenny? Why, another one-off character with zero personality to speak of who’s voiced by a celebrity, of course! She’s voiced by Anne Hathaway, and again, mighty fine actress, nondescript, forgettable performance. You could swap dialogue tracks with Natalie Portman from a few seasons back and I wouldn’t be able to tell the difference. It’s just another throwaway role.

The “conflict” occurs when Milhouse discovers the two together. He had previously taken the fall from Bart’s massive prank at the school and gotten suspended, and finds Jenny is the reason Bart stopped visiting him. He then goes into creepy stalker mode as Bart gets more and more nervous that his mischievous past will come back to haunt him. So, build-up, build-up… and then Bart just comes clean with Jenny. Then he makes up with Milhouse and the episode ends. It’s astonishing just how uneventful these shows are getting, there’s barely anything to speak of because barely anything happens. There’s a B-story featuring Lisa’s pessimistic world view being warped thanks to medication, reducing her into a whacked-out stupor where she can only see smiley faces… and then in the end, she stops taking them. Like, stuff will start happening, and then they’ll stop happening. Stories used to have arcs that made sense and were impacting. Now we’re lucky if we even get one at all.

Tidbits and Quotes
– Last season we had Skinner and Chalmers go through absurd, ridiculous lengths to get Bart suspended. Here, they’re so dumb they can’t figure out who Milhouse’s accomplice was. Whoever could it be? Ridiculous.
– The medication Lisa takes is called Ignorital, so we get more obvious product names. Also, it’s not a lot of fun to see Lisa completely out of her gourd, in this very, very subtle satire on mind-altering pharmaceuticals..
– Lenny visits his grandmother’s grave, which reads… “Lenny’s Grandma.” They already have the joke with him bringing the Duffman standee there, couldn’t they have just put a frigging name on there?
– I’m really at a loss here, this is one of the most empty, boring episodes I’ve ever seen. It may trump the astronomy show, actually.

(originally aired April 5, 2009)
And now, another one of those schmaltzy Moe episodes. “Moe Baby Blues” was effective because it managed to balance the lecherous with the sweet, so it still felt like the same bottom feeder Moe, but we got to see a more tender side to him. Here, through almost the whole running time, Moe is this vulnerable, inoffensive guy, where it doesn’t even feel like I’m watching the same character. He gets into a relationship with a girl online and is preparing for their first face-to-face date. To his surprise, Maya (another Tress MacNeille voice we’ve heard a billion times) is a little person, something that Moe comes to terms with and accepts quickly. Their relationship advances normally. Just normally. Nothing particularly funny happens, it’s just Moe making out with someone Lisa’s size, which I have to admit is a little disturbing to see. There’s “conflict” in that Moe is hesitant in showing her to the barflies, thinking they would ridicule her, but nothing ever comes from it.

After a non-disclosed period of time, Moe asks Maya to marry him, and she responds with a jovial crack about her height (“Are you asking me to be your little woman?”) Moe retorts with a few jokes himself, all seemingly in good fun, until Maya takes offense. You’d think at this point she would know he meant no offense. Also it seems she’s a weird trickster herself, in one bizarre scene where she pretends to be a lifeless doll to freak Moe out for no reason. Moe is crestfallen when Maya shuts him out, leaving him no other recourse than to have surgery to reduce his height. Maya arrives at Dr. Nick’s to stop him (“Moe, if you have to be like me to love me, then you’re not seeing the real me!”) Moe then gives a heartfelt soliloquy about how much she really means to him… and then Maya just leaves him anyway. It felt that considering Maya’s character (the very little of it we get to know), it made no sense that this relationship would fall apart. Moe had been nothing but earnest the entire episode, only joking around about her after she cracked wise first. It’s just a cop out ending, but considering Maya is not voiced by a guest star, they didn’t have to write her out. But then again, writing a new character is too much work, so get her out of there. A very boring, ineffectual outing.

Tidbits and Quotes
– The B-story involves Homer being a shitty father to Maggie. Discovering there’s a playground behind Moe’s (after Moe scrubs the back wall and finds a window there, which makes no sense), Homer dumps Maggie there every day so he can get plastered, leaving her at the mercy of some li’l bullies. Growing suspicious of what goes on during the day, Marge places a mini camera on Maggie’s bow, only to watch the footage at the end of the episode. Homer drops off Maggie, but then comes back to save the day from the bullies… but is beaten up himself, until Maggie saves him. He then says some sweet, completely natural-sounding dialogue into the camera, which is enough to absolve the continued abandonment of his infant child in Marge’s eyes.
– I like the initial awkwardness from Moe regarding Maya (“Oh, you’re a little person. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean that, what’s the correct term?” “Little person.” “Woah! Look at me bein’ polite!”) and the bait-and-switch with the car seat.
– There’s not one but two make-out scenes between Moe and Maya, which is kind of uncomfortable to watch. I guess it’s just a lot easier to cut to the chase with the relationship rather than see them talking and understanding why the two are in love.
– As is the case whenever we have a double date scene, we see Homer being a total ass of himself and embarrassing Marge, except the B-plot isn’t really about the two of them being at odds with each other. But basically whenever an episode is about a burgeoning relationship nowadays, we have to show how horrible Homer and Marge’s is for the ten thousandth time.
– So apparently Mr. Largo wanted a sex change operation. They’ve done this joke with Smithers too, with him wanting estrogen pills. I guess the writers equate homosexuality with actually wanting to be the other sex, and that both topics are hysterical to make fun of.
– Despite it mostly feeling empty, I can’t help but think the ending is a little sweet, with Moe making a rose out of his bar rag and putting it on the frame. I’m not made of stone.

(originally aired March 29, 2009)
One trick up this show’s sleeve is to simply rehash and reuse premises from older episodes, this one being particularly egregious. They take one of my favorite episodes ever, “A Milhouse Divided,” and flat-out say that it “didn’t count.” The Parson pays a visit to Reverend Lovejoy with some bad news, that due to some mishaps with his ministerial re-certification, any recent ceremonies he performed were actually fraudulent. This happens to include Homer and Marge’s second wedding as featured in “Divided.” How long did the Parson sit on this news before telling Lovejoy? Clearly this didn’t happen twelve years ago, but some considerable amount of time must have passed. Plus, wouldn’t Homer and Marge have a government-sanctioned marriage license outside the church anyway? There’s really no problem. But whatever, this gives Homer the chance to give Marge the wedding she’s always wanted. …but, he already did. In “A Milhouse Divided,” at home with her family and friends, it was wonderful. But no, here, Marge turns into a Bridezilla, crafting a wedding that’s exorbitant and self-indulgent, whilst being angry and yelling at her husband. Sounds like Marge alright.

The day of the wedding, Marge finds Homer missing, and believes he’s fled thanks to her overbearing nature. But, actually, he’s been kidnapped and chained up in a dingy bathroom and taunted by a gruff, menacing voice over an intercom, forced to do humiliating and painful things to earn his freedom. Hoo boy. Firstly, Saw came out in 2004, leaving the show embarrassingly late to the punch as usual. Second, we find out that it’s Patty and Selma doing this, and I guess we’re supposed to think it’s funny. The mind reels when you think about how ridiculous this show has gotten. Originally, they were Homer’s sister-in-laws, these two hags who constantly wore him down with their words, fueling his insecurities that he’s not good enough for Marge. Now, they’re criminals, chaining him up like an animal and laughing at his suffering. But of course, they’re uncharacteristically brought to tears when Homer mournfully reads out his intended wedding vows, and they let him go. In the end, Marge never apologizes, and still gets the lavish wedding she apparently has always dreaming of. Honestly, fuck this episode. “A Milhouse Divided” was so wonderful and heart-felt, and this one just takes a big shit all over it.

Tidbits and Quotes
– Good opening line by Lovejoy (“So, in summary, there are only two real Commandments, and the other eight are just filler.”) The congregation murmurs in interest.
– I guess the fact that the Parson acts and sings like Bing Crosby is funny. I guess? Also, more shitting on beloved characters: apparently Helen Lovejoy was once Harold. But she has a daughter, so does that mean she was once transgender and identified as male? Or was Jessica adopted? Why the fuck am I thinking about this?
– I know they make it a joke, but the whole conceit of this episode just feels so fucking stupid. Homer and Marge’s marriage “didn’t count,” so now they have to do it again. It’s like when a kid is playing a game and fucks up, but claims it didn’t count and wants another try. But it’s even worse than that, it’s as if the kid had a dynamite first try, then asked for another and did the worst job possible. Every time Marge talks about wanting the perfect wedding and Homer saying he’s gonna give it to her… they already did. It was a great fucking episode, and you REFERENCE IT IN THIS ONE GODDAMMIT.
– Marge is unbearable enough this episode, but they cap it off with horrendous dialogue (“Bridezilla? A combination of ‘bride’ and ‘Godzilla’?!”) At this point, with the show openly explaining gags and plot points left and right, I wouldn’t be surprised if that was put in so drooling morons would pick up on the joke.
– The bridesmaids are doing final gussying up on Marge when she looks in the mirror. Then afterward, she radios to the main hall, and we see that all the bridesmaids are there already. Boy, they must have run super quick. Also apparently she’s real good friends with Cookie Kwan now. I’m shocked we actually had two anonymous faces there, but I guess they ran out of the four adult female characters at their disposal.
– What a lame bait-and-switch with the Sideshow Bob thing, where he and Krusty are having some kind of homoerotic weekend together (“At night, we slept in the same bed for warmth.”) I guess Bob holds no hard feelings toward Krusty helping the Simpsons escape from Italy. But Bart and Lisa had the wrong “SB.” Who could it be? Selma Bouvier. And not only do we see her name plate at the DMV, but both “S” and “B” are in gold letters. I don’t think you made it clear enough, guys, there’s some morons out in Oklahoma who didn’t put it together.

(originally aired March 22, 2009)
Yet another travel episode… yawn. This was a pretty anticipated episode, airing overseas days before it aired here, a first for the series. At least it didn’t seem quite as offensive as past travel shows, instead it was just boring and uninspired. The Simpsons forget about their special day with Grampa for the umpteeth time, and promise to make it up to him. So, it’s off to Ireland in the blink of an eye! Abe wishes to go to the bustling tavern he visited back in his army days, only to find it’s been practically abandoned in the new modernIreland. The innkeeper is delighted to have Homer and Abe’s business though, and after a drunken night, he manages to stick the two with the deed and leave town. Determined to turn the place around, they ship in Moe in a crate (seriously) to determine how to run a successful bar. Why Moe’s is considered successful, I’m not sure. They allow smoking at the pub, which is illegal in Ireland, then they get caught, and the charge is deportation, so that’s another country the Simpsons are banned from returning to.

The “satire” here is so softball. They don’t even get on the ground in Ireland before showing the pilots donned in green with shamrocks. We get plenty of references to leprechauns, Guinness, the Blarney Stone… my goodness, how lazy. And when all else fails, puns! Marge and the kids go sight-seeing, which kills time, but most of the focus is on Homer and Abe and their eventual new ownership of the tavern. I’ve noticed a big issue with episodes this season is that every plot turn must be openly narrated by a character, and it’s particularly offensive here. “What can’t people do in bars in Ireland?” “Look, smoking isn’t allowed in bars in Ireland!” “Well, then we’ll open a smoking bar in Ireland!” That’s barely an exaggeration, that’s pretty much the dialogue. And it’s so ridiculous, they allow smoking in the bar, and through the windows you can clearly see the billows of smoke. Any cop walking by would shut it down immediately, but it’s open just long enough so we can show it’s getting successful. And ultimately, what’s the point? Homer and Abe succeed by breaking the law, then nothing happens to them, per Simpson immunity. And the judge is Mr. Potato Head. Yawn. Another lifeless outing. I hope the Irish were happy with it.

Tidbits and Quotes
– The Simpsons flopping like fish out of water is one of those gags where they felt that if they let it run long enough, it would be funny… but it really just runs too long.
– I don’t get the Kathy Ireland bit at all. They show her accompanied with big text on the screen describing how that’s not her voice, she didn’t want to do the show, and best wishes to her. Two possibilities: the show asked her and she simply said no, and the writers got in a huff (“How dare someone not want to do our show!”) and this was their petty “vengeance.” Or, she gave a more adamant “no” regarding her voice or likeness, and this was their idea of a compromise. But whatever the reason, the joke is terrible.
– I’m sure the writers were really pleased with “yupp-rechauns.” And the goddamn puns… The Simpsons drive past upscale Irish stores like Colleen Secret and Mac’s Fifth Avenue, those are bad enough. Then they’re highlighted as jokes in the dialogue. Hewlett Fitzpackard, Mick-rosoft, Cisc O’Systems. Enough. Enough with the fucking puns.
– I kind of enjoyed the Giant’s Causeway gag being like the layout of Q-Bert, but maybe only because I enjoyed the seemingly obscure reference. Or maybe just because it made me think of Wreck-It Ralph.
– Lisa sneaks into the brewing room at Guinness to see the secret ingredient… why would she do that? It would make sense for Homer, but he’s not there. But why not Bart?
– When they run out of actual Irish landmarks, they make ones up: McEllis Island, with their own Statue of Liberty: a leprechaun holding a pot of gold and a shamrock. Come on, you guys… Then later Moe announces he’s going to look for his long lost relative based on a photo… on a Lucky Charms box. Come on, you guys…
– The only thing I chuckled at were the cops vacuuming up the smoke at the bar into evidence bags, then holding one full bag up to camera.

(originally aired March 15, 2009)
I guess this is the show making fun of the likes of The Da Vinci Code and National Treasure for being too silly. Once again, guys, pot to kettle. At least I didn’t feel as aggressively annoyed as I was during the last couple of bombs, this one’s just kind of innocuous and boring. Following a sequence of dumb events, Maggie is left on the doorstep of a Catholic church, and brought in by nuns who refuse to give her back to a befuddled Homer. So… call the police? Or, we’ll have Lisa masquerade as a nun to infiltrate and rescue her. She’s immediately sidelined from her mission by a quest for some ancient gem or something. Then we get smarty-pants Lisa who is oh-so-satisfied with herself as she solves clues and narrates them as she does it. Within seconds, she can decipher Latin, play the organ and recognize patterns and riddles, and I think we can all agree nothing is more entertaining than a story about problem solving where our lead character instantly deciphers clues and is incredibly pompous while doing it.

During her sleuthing, Lisa encounters Skinner and Comic Book Guy, who are part of some mystery group or something who tell her the history of the gem: it’s been sought after since colonial times, so much so that the Revolutionary War was just a cover so the Americans and English could uncover it before the newly arrived nuns could. I’m not so bothered by this, as it’s just silly enough to be funny to see King George and George Washington play acting fighting each other while they search for the treasure. Long-time Freemason Burns gets in on the action, and eventually it’s concluded that the “gem” is actually Lisa. As if her head wasn’t big enough, she returns to the church as smug as ever, but finds she decrypted it wrong: Maggie is the chosen one, and her placement on the throne brings instant peace and happiness to the town of Springfield. Until Marge takes her away and everything goes back to normal. It’s a conflicting ending, one I felt could have been more satisfying if there was more focus on the Marge-Maggie relationship, in place of Marge being rendered blind when an eclipse literally burns her eyes. Goddammit.

Tidbits and Quotes
– The CG with the Earth and the moon actually looks pretty good, mostly because they’re just simple spheres. I chuckled at the bats fleeing the Washington Monument, and the solar car stopping on the tracks, and almost being hit by a solar train.
– The Simpsons are ready to see the eclipse through their shoebox things, and of course Homer breaks his. Feeling bad for her petulant man child husband, Marge gives hers up, and Homer rubs the majesty of the event in her face (“We’ll be talking about this together for years! I finally feel like part of a family!”) Then Marge looks directly at the eclipse, and we see her eyes burn. Wonderful. It’s even more disgusting than Homer’s eyes crusting over in “Last Tap Dance in Springfield.”
– There have been a lot of Pixar references as of late. We had Homer’s horrible honey-less future dream with a WALL-E knockoff robot, now we have him re-eanct Ratatouille with a rat controlling him in his rat-infested kitchen. Not only does he openly reference the movie, but he narrates what’s happening as it happens. If I were Brad Bird, I’d be very disappointed.
– Homer runs his car off a bridge and down by the river, completely totaling it. He gets out and then immediately switches gear, pondering about out how he’s going to get across the river. No injuries, no wailing about his destroyed car, just keep pushing the stupid plot forward.
– I hate everything about Lisa’s sleuthing. Though I did laugh at the endless Rube Goldberg device that even she gets bored waiting for. The CG on the machine and later on the Springfield sign also aren’t too bad.
– After the world is at peace, we see the prison warden tell the executioner to just set the electric chair to “massage.” He was previously voiced by Charles Napier, and now I think it’s Hank Azaria doing him here, but he’s not even trying to do a sound alike. Napier was still alive, but I can understand if they didn’t want to bring him in for one line. So then, make it another character, or have one of your actors do a Napier impression. Or, do neither of those things, because who gives a shit.