(originally aired May 12, 2002)
There seemed to be potential in this premise, but ultimately it went unfulfilled, thanks to some lapses in logic and an unusually irrelevant third act. And a padded B “plot” didn’t help either. In order to not fail gym, Lisa must take athletic classes with an outside coach. Here we get the return of Coach Lugash, who is hands-down the best thing in this episode. I love Dan Castallaneta’s loud, boisterous read as he’s screaming at little girls that they’re going to be killed by poisonous snakes. I’m all for yelling at children, it’s comedic gold. So Lisa is in class with two other girls, who she discovers have intellectual hobbies just like her, and then finds out they’re actually both in college. Now, Lisa’s eight years old, let’s say she’s around four foot? These other girls are maybe about a foot taller than her, so I guess they could pass for extremely petite adults. But them mistaking Lisa, a child, as a college student? I just don’t see it. Plus, in the class, Lisa asks Lugash if she’ll be able to pass gym with the girls standing right there. The fact that she is in elementary school had to come up at some point during all of this. It’s a big leap, but strangely not the worst of this episode’s issues.

So Lisa starts passing herself off as a college student to keep her new friends, sneaking off during school to assimilate herself on campus. She also sit in on lectures, which also is possible. But then they make jokes that the one girl cheated off Lisa’s test and that she got sixteen credits, how is that possible? She’s not registered for any classes, she wouldn’t be able to do that. Maybe since I’m sure Springfield University isn’t the most stable institution, she managed to trick some teachers into getting her name on their attendance sheets or something. But that would have been interesting and amusing to see! Instead we have time filler with Bart in a plastic bubble, a temporary health measure when he contracts panda virus from a Chinese mosquito. Then it just becomes a goofy cartoon, with various over-the-top gags involving the bubble. Bart is embarrassed by the bubble in the first scene, but then after that he’s as cocky as ever, and even has developed a catch phrase for himself as new savior for nerds on the playground. All in all, it’s more time I wish we had devoted to the Lisa story, as it actually had… y’know, a purpose.

Milhouse notices Lisa sneaking out during recess, and he, Martin and Database follow her. They find her in a lecture hall and call her out on being a kid, exposing her charade to everyone, including Lisa’s new friends. This is the end of act two. At this point, this feels like “Summer at 4 Ft. 2,” where Lisa gets new friends pretending to be someone she’s not, and in the end she must be true to herself, and that’s what her friends liked about her in the first place. So do we see the two girls in the third act? Nope. It doesn’t really matter, since they’re not even characters. But one scene of them maybe still being bitter and not wanting to hang out with a kid would have been worth it. Does Lisa feel vindictive toward Milhouse for ruining her ruse? Nope. So what is the third act? Lisa feels ostracized from the other kids at school and wants to fit in again. Now, when did she ever fit in to begin with? Lisa’s an outcast from everyone else, that’s her role in the show. She never was accepted at the school before. So Bart lends Lisa his bubble to play a prank on Skinner and she’s celebrated by the kids, and everything is alright. What? Now, this might have worked if actually set this up. Maybe it’s like “Lard of the Dance” where Lisa realizes she has so many short years to stay a kid and decides to indulge in childish pranks and hold off on college for a while, and then the ending would make sense. But instead, it’s all from Lisa’s sadness of kids mocking her for being smart, which they already did all the time. This episode could have been worthwhile, but ultimately ended up kind of… shit.

Tidbits and Quotes
– I’m not sure if we saw Mrs. Pommelhorst before this, but I kind of like the character, a burly, butch, no nonsense gym teacher with a Tress MacNeille voice I can stomach. Later the writers thought it would be hysterical to make multiple jokes about how she was getting a sex change. Get it? Because if you’re a woman and you seem really masculine, that means you want to get a sex change!
– To convince her to take Lugash’s class, Lisa has a hallucination of meeting President Kennedy, convincing her that athletics are just as important as academics. It’s a very confusing and pointless sequence, with the only joke being that Kennedy is in hell, I guess. Scathing!
– I love the design of the Krusty poster in the Chinese sweat shop. The sweat shop itself is a bit of an easy joke though.
– Lugash’s explanation of Lisa’s aerodynamic qualities is great (“God give you greatest gift: big head! Like beach ball made of bone! Gives you perfect balance! See you tomorrow! Rest your giant head!”)
– Robert Pinsky guest stars and does a fine job, although I think I like the material of the emcee introducing him better (“Now open your minds for the Coltrane of the quatrain, the Tony Danza of the AB stanza!”)
– Lisa comes to campus to find it completely deserted. Turns out everyone’s taking Anthro 101: Passive Analysis of Visual Iconography. The class just watches Itchy & Scratchy cartoons, and projects their own messages and meanings to them (“It show show the depletion of our natural resources has pitted our small farmers against each other.” “Yes, and birds go tweet. What else?”)
– I’m surprised they brought back Lisa’s gymnast skills to get her up the tree, and that they even merged the two stories at all in the end. And it all might have worked if they set it up in a way that made sense for Lisa.
– In the end, we get this golden gem from Ralph (“Look! It’s Lisa! And she’s winning us back!”) I can’t express how much I hate this line. Combined with the nonsensical third act turn, it being Ralph saying it, and the completely insincere nature of the line… it’s awful. It may be my least favorite line in the whole series, though there are probably others that are worse. What’s your least favorite line ever? Send me a message at idontgiveacrap@whocaresyoustupiddipshitasshole.net. Just kidding. Just post a comment.

(originally aired May 5, 2002)
Funny how we got two John Swartzwelder episodes in a row, with the last one being surprisingly sharp, and this one being… well, the exact opposite. This series has handled the delicate premise of infidelity before in such great episodes as “Life in the Fast Lane” and “The Last Temptation of Homer,” but in this show, Apu actually does commit and have an affair. It’s not so much about the emotional connections Homer and Marge had with others as it is Apu getting his rocks off. It’s a different kind of story, but with serious ground to cover. However, this episode is not interested in any of that. The story is treated as callously as possible to make stupid jokes and wrap itself up in a nice status quo bow as clumsily and illogically as possible. There’s a lot I hate about this episode, so let’s begin. One late night, Homer witnesses a shocking sight: Apu canoodling with the Squishee machine vendor after hours in the back room. Marge eventually gets the information out of him, and tells Homer he needs to tell Apu what he saw. Eventually Manjula finds out, and files for divorce soon after.

So there’s not much story here, but that’s fine because it’s dealing with a serious issue that has a lot of avenues to explore between the two characters involved… oh wait, we gotta cram the Simpsons into every frame, right? They’re all over Apu and Manjula’s lives. Where the hell is Sanjay? But surprisingly, I was more annoyed with Marge here than Homer, who spends the whole episode meddling and manipulating to get things to go the way she sees fit. I reminded me of Buck McCoy in “The Lastest Gun in the West” when she injected herself into his affairs. It’s a bit different here since Apu and Manjula are friends of theirs, but her actions go from normal concern to abrasively rude and pushy for reasons that escape me. When Kirk and Luann got divorced, at her own party, no less, Marge lamented and stood by Luann as a “friend” like a normal human being. Here, she’s made it her life’s mission to get Apu and Manjula back together. She randomly appears in their apartment, having trained the octuplets to plead for their father back, which is a one-off gag that has some severely creepy undertones to it. She also has her kids dressed in a crude Ganesh costume commanding them to get back together, which she refers to as “this thing.” How unbelievably offensive must that be to them? I can see Homer dressing up like him and being a buffoon at their wedding, but for Marge to do this? She should have more sense.

Characters continue to act weirdly, and combined with callous jokes about suicide and sex puns, it really detracts from any serious intentions this episode ever even thought about covering about adultery. I have no idea if they wanted this to be treated with any kind of seriousness whatsoever, because the episode is completely aloof from beginning to end. The biggest indicator is the ending: to come back home and be “forgiven,” Apu must perform a list of tasks for Manjula, which are all jokes, like changing his name to “Slime Q. Slimedog,” and performing My Fair Lady with the octuplets. Why should I even bother? But that also presents us with a telltale scene. I’m sure there are others just like it, but it rung completely false and awful with me, and indicative of problems we’ve seen and problems we will continue to see as seasons go on. After the performance of Lady, we have this exchange between Homer, Lisa and Bart (“It was magic. He took a cockney flower girl and turned her into My Fair Lady!” “I liked all the roles filled by minority actors.” “Why, I didn’t even notice!”) Those three would never say these lines. These are lines that were written, and then just given to the characters. Even if they were saying it all jokingly, it wouldn’t play right. But that’s what this show is now, characters aren’t really speaking lines that feel true to themselves, they’re just spewing jokes and one-liners that don’t feel the least bit natural. And when you’re doing an episode about a serious subject like infidelity, dialogue like that really stands out, especially when the whole episode is full of it. This episode sucks, big time.

Tidbits and Quotes
– This is a nice exchange, and feels like classic bonehead Homer (“Are you sure you don’t want to come, Apu? In a Civil War re-enactment, we need a lot of Indians to shoot!” “…I don’t know which part of that sentence to correct first, but I cannot come.”)
– The Squishee Lady is voiced by… go on, guess! …Tress MacNeille. Is she the only voice actress on the planet now?
– The Civil War re-enactment doesn’t really have any laughs, though I kind of like how they comment how absurd it is in concept (“The Second Battle of Springfield was fought by the North, the South, and the East, to keep Springfield in, out of, and next to the Union respectively.”)
– The end of the first act with Homer walking backwards stunned goes on for faaaaar too long. Then they do it again at the very end with Homer on the ladder, after he had just been spying on Apu and Manjula having sex. When did he become a creepy stalker? First Flanders, now Apu? What a lovable perverted scamp that Homer is.
– The bit during badminton with the repeated sex slang terms might have been amusing, except they bash you over the head with setting it up and pointing at it. Marge comments how they have their game the next day, and very directly points out, “Oh, I hope no one makes any double entendres!” Thanks for setting that up, Marge! Then after every line, they cut to Homer and Marge doing the Charles Nelson Reilly collar tug. Couldn’t they have just let it play? Or do we think the audience is stupid and won’t notice unless we illuminate it with a big sign?
– I’m really not sure why Marge cares for goddamn much about this situation, to the point that she’s sitting on the couch crying watching Apu and Manjula’s wedding tape. She must have known other couples who have broken up in the past, who acts like this other than a crazy person?
– I don’t understand the gag with Homer wanting to involve Krusty in everything. More bizarre, out-of-character “jokes.”
– Instead of giving her any semblance of a personality, the Squishee Lady is just a hot girl who’s down to fuck. I guess that’s okay for what she represents for the story though. The “Do Me” licorice thing was kind of dumb and crass.
– My favorite bit in the episode is Apu’s poorly disguised cover when Manjula asks if he’s hiding anything in bed, it’s just a great performance by Hank Azaria (“How can you even accuse me of repeated infidelity! I’m so angry I could just fall asleep!”) Then he fakes sleeping, muttering “Completely innocent” under his breath. But then later on the convenience tape, it’s played too far, with Apu during sex doing a Johnny Carson “Mmmm, that’s good adultery!” What’s that about?
– The Inside the Actor’s Studio bit with James Lipton is pretty good, except it feels like complete padding.
– Why the fuck would Homer and Marge need to tell the kids about Apu and Manjula’s separation? Why would they need to know? Or care? It’s just another desperate excuse to try to shoehorn the Simpsons into this story of which they don’t belong.
– Oh, and an overused Homer quote that I’m tired of, is when he goes into his low voice after a proclamation and goes, “And if they [blank]…” “Yeah! ‘Cause if they don’t…” “How much sex will be involved? ‘Cause if it’s some…” Enough already…
– I get the feeling that the writers don’t like lawyers. Maybe it’s the grossly cartoony lawyer at the start of act three that tipped me off, who laughs maniacally and dances atop his desk in devilish glee. What a pathetic attempt at “commentary.” Were a lot of the writers going through divorces at this time?
– I guess Marge is a pervert now too, wanting desperately to go to a strip club with Manjula. Like husband, like wife, I guess…
– Manjula walks in on Apu with a noose around his neck. Her response? “Oh, Apu, you’re such a drama queen.” That’s right folks, people with suicidal tendencies? They’re just being dramatic. What a bunch of whiners, amiright?
– The whole third act is garbage. Apu completes Manjula’s stupid inane tasks, he moves back in with her, the two of them are fine, the end. It couldn’t feel any less sincere or meaningful. Or funny.

(originally aired April 7, 2002)
While “Blame It On Lisa” got all the controversy, FOX executives were much more worried about this episode featuring Homer using medical marijuana. They were very dodgy at what the show could and could not do, especially on the point that they couldn’t actually show Homer smoking, so I guess it wouldn’t be teaching kids exactly how to do it. The episode kind of talks about the benefits of medicinal weed and the legalization of the drug. There are several different interesting avenues this show could have gone down regarding this topic. Not that I’m expecting any meaty, serious discussion on the matter, just an comedic perspective on the issue. Or we could just have Homer become a stereotypical stoner and make jokes off of that. A big chunk of this episode is basically the most hacky material one could write for a stoner character, and it couldn’t feel more lazy. Add on a truly bizarre third act that serves only to make the parody title make sense and you get a very strange episode.

Following our first act where Homer gets his eyes viciously attacked by crows, Dr. Hibbert prescribes him medical marijuana to cure what ails him. After some brief hesitation, Homer eventually tokes up and spends the entire second act high as a kite, with his pupils doubled in size and a permanently glazed look in his eyes. What shenanigans does he get up to? Listening to Lisa’s saxophone for hours, laughing at everything, watching the Three Stooges in the attic with fellow pothead Otto, it’s the easiest material you can possibly come up with. And it all feels so removed from Homer, I began to stop thinking him as himself for the second half of the act, which would have worked as the point if the rest of the episode was truly focused on him going cold turkey and sticking with it. Homer springs into action when anti-marijuana legislation threatens to harsh his mellow, so he arranges a pot rally. And he got Phish to play at the benefit! How? Doesn’t matter. But here’s the kicker. Turns out the vote for the proposition was the day before! They were so stoned they forgot what day it was! What a hilarious twist! Of all the hacky shit this episode, hell, this season, this is the most uninspired comedic “twist” I’ve ever seen. The lack of originality is staggering.

With pot banned, Homer is stuck living clean and sober, relenting to Marge in promising the kids he’ll never do drugs again. There’s a disheartening undercurrent here though, similar to “Jaws Wired Shut,” where people yearn for the status quo for reasons that even they can’t justify (Lisa comments, “I want the old Dad back, the one who was yelling all the time, and… you know, I’m not really sure what I want…”) He may have been dodgy and slightly off, but stoned Homer is a lot more bearable than wild, out-of-control “regular” Homer. But anyway, his penchant for laughing at everything got him promoted by Burns, who needs someone to yuck it up at all his zingers during his upcoming investor’s meeting. However, without dope, Homer is unable to laugh on cue, and since he promised Marge he wouldn’t smoke anymore, he has Smithers do it instead. But the two lose track of time while Burns is in the tub, and find the old man has seemingly drowned. And the investor’s meeting is in twenty minutes! What to do? Pull a Weekend at Bernie’s, and have Smithers work a super complicated marionette routine with Burns’s corpse, which for some reason works flawlessly, and revives Burns in the end. Even though it’s set up in act two, the ending is so jarringly out of place; it has nothing to do with Homer redeeming himself in any way. But whatever, I should be used to this shit making no sense by now. So yeah, uninspired and clumsy, and for a show about such a controversial topic, it sure did play it safe.

Tidbits and Quotes
– As if marijuana wasn’t enough, the beginning of the show takes on genetically modified foods, with the joke being that the food has become sentient. Not bad, but it’s a gag that takes three times the length as it really should.
– The Pop-Up Video stuff with all of the old Simpsons artifacts is kind of clever. Not to be too detrimental, but that’s as high praise as I can give it.
– Homer and the crows is kind of bizarre. The only thing I like is this exchange with Marge (“I’m very uncomfortable having a gang of crows in our bedroom.” “It’s a murder, honey. A group of crows is called a ‘murder‘”)
– We get a flashback to Homer’s past traumatic experience with pot. Hiding a toke from the cops in his underwear, a police dog sniffs it and bites his groin, whipping him back and forth. Hysterical.
– I like Lisa commenting the smoke-filled house smells like the art teacher’s office.
– Homer is slightly cruel to Lisa making her play until the wee hours of the morning, but at least he’s paying her. Better than when he forced her to cut lemons for his garage bar that he didn’t even use. Again, I’d much rather have stoned Homer than insane regular Homer.
– We have more strangely out-of-character Burns in this episode. He self-admittedly pissed away $60 million? On what? He’s a responsible business mogul, how does that happen? And he’s so concerned about his jokes going over big, where’s the heartless, humorless miser we know and love? Burns is almost adorable now, where he was once a compelling antagonist.
– The only Homer stoner line I laughed at was this bit (“I got news for you! I just got promoted and it’s all thanks to Yes-I-Cannabis! …we have a kitchen?!”)
– Phish is basically another in the long list of expendable guest stars, but I do enjoy their music, so I got no beef with them. And I like the guy initially misreading “pothead” in introducing Homer on stage.
– The police start a marijuana bonfire after the ban, but it inadvertently creates an alluring smoke, so they dump some barber hair on top to mask it. At home, Homer bemoans the situation (“I could have smoked that pot! And worn that hair!”)
– The scene at Moe’s, the bit at the dinner table, it’s obvious that the writers really had no material for Homer going cold turkey, so I guess that’s why they fell back on the Burns thing. I guess it’s like Homer having to brave through a situation without using drugs… except not, because Smithers came up with the Burns dummy idea. And do I even need to comment on how the Burns dummy rig makes no sense and how there’s no way in hell Smithers could pull that off? But as ridiculous as it was, I do like Homer very nonchalantly pushing Burns’s head behind the curtain and playing him off Elvis-style (“Mr. Burns has left the building!”)