(originally aired March 2, 2003)
I really don’t like single Flanders. It just doesn’t work. As mentioned before, what made Flanders so great in the past is that he represented all that Homer didn’t have, but now with his wife gone, he’s now a sad, lonely man who Homer elicits some sympathy for, at least enough to not be as much of a dick to him. So now every Flanders plot has to involve him finding a new romance, even though we know they won’t work out, and they all make no sense at all, and of course, like all one-episode love interests, they have little to no characterization. The dame here is actress Sara Sloane, voiced by Marisa Tomei, who Flanders unwittingly serves at the Leftorium (“You don’t know who I am, do you?” “I sure do. You’re the most important person in the world, because you’re my customer!”) Sloane is filming a movie in Springfield, and takes comfort in Ned’s simple way of living. Tomei gives her a degree of likability, and the ultra-revealing dress she wears in the third act doesn’t hurt, but ultimately, she’s pretty much disposable.

So even though a scene prior he muses how he’s “happily married to a dead woman,” Ned proceeds to date Sloane, and the two have a whirlwind romance. Or at least as whirlwind as Ned can allow, which doesn’t go much further than holding hands with her. The main running “conflict” here is that Sloane is a lot more uninhibited than Ned, making her a source of temptation, but most of the middle portion of the episode kind of just kills time, with reactions from the Simpson family about the relationship, and Rainier Wolfcastle appearing as Sloane’s ex-boyfriend. The one bit I do like is the crazed tabloid reporters storming Ned’s home, breaking all of his possessions and taking photos of the mess they caused (“Let’s concoct more lies!”) Then instead of running with that, they kill the bit off with a stupid gag about a Cher-crow. The stuff with Sloane and Ned is kind of sweet, but there really doesn’t feel like a big connection between the two, at least not as big as we’re supposed to believe. I get Sloane is into Ned for his quaint, small-town charm, but what does Ned like about Sloane? That she’s pretty and nice? Through the whole show, it just feels like he’s being very polite rather than he’s head over heels in love.

As her movie wraps up, Sloane proposes Ned move out with her to Hollywood, but that being a wicked, sinful place, he refuses. So Sloane decides she’s going to stay in Springfield, even though it’s incredibly inconvenient and detrimental to her career being that far away from Los Angeles. But she’s only got one thing on her mind: fucking Ned Flanders. Ned of course is hesitant, premarital “doodly” being a sin and all, but after consulting the Bible and all of its passages that affirm this, he eventually relents and just bangs Sloane anyway. Sure, it’s out of character, but look, he’s a guy, and she’s a hot movie star, so I’ll be gracious and give him a pass on that. Plus he then expects her to marry him right afterwards (“I’m like Baskin Robbins, you get one free taste, then you gotta buy the scoop.”) Sloane declines, telling him she’s not ready to be tied down. Oh? But you already moved to this jerkwater berg away from your job to be with Ned, how is this any different? Oh, because I guess all she wanted to do is to get her rocks off, because she leaves him after this, then goes off and has a three hour celebrity marriage as a finale gag. So how genuine was Sloane through all this? Was Ned proposing marriage just her easy out? They wrap it up so quickly that it’s hard to discern. And we get a “happy” ending in that since he dated a movie star, Ned is more attractive to the ladies of Springfield, even though that doesn’t matter since he’ll never remarry ever, ever. Except he just did recently, but I’m not even going to touch upon that, because I never watched it.

Tidbits and Quotes
– Maggie encased in sunscreen with her sunglasses and sun hat is pretty cute.
– Twice in this episode, Ned consults Homer for advice about Sloane, and both times Homer rambles on some nonsense that is barely related to the subject, and both times the scene ends with Ned looking contemplative. Contemplative over what? What Homer just spouted was not helpful in the least, stop asking him for advice about everything.
– “She’s had more stars on her than Lisa’s homework!” When did Bart become catty? It’s like that stupid bit at the WNBA. Of the whole family, it seems Bart has turned into the hardest character to write. Homer is a moronic insane man, Marge is cautious and makes lame jokes, Lisa is the know-it-all/substitute narrator, and Bart… well… there’s no simple personality traits you can imprint onto him, he’s just a regular ten-year-old. So instead of writing him like one, we’ll just throw random lines at him and hopefully people will think it’s funny.
– I really like this line from Ned (“We occupy that useless mass of land between Los Angeles and New York called ‘America’!”)
– One of the paparazzi yells at Ned, “Do you plan to kill Sara like your last wife!” a horrible, despicable line, but out of the mouths of bottom-feeding tabloid reporters, it works just fine.
– Sloane is shooting her film at PolyStar Pictures, which is the studio we saw in Hollywood in the Mel Gibson episode. Couldn’t they have pulled a shot of Krustylu Studios? There must be dozens of establishing shots they could have reused. Or did they not give a shit?
– “Ned, I haven’t seen you this happy in years!” “I haven’t felt this good since we stole the 2000 election!” Yep, Ned’s an ultra wacko religious conservative Republican now! The GOP is evil and he loves George Bush!
– I like Ned’s twisted nightmare of “Hollyweird,” complete with an appearance from James L. Brooks (“Perhaps you’d like to go to a football game?” “Well…” “We don’t have a team!” “Nooo!!”)
– The scene at the Kwik-E-Mart is like a perfect storm of shit: distasteful dialogue (“The last thing I bought for a lady was a casket,”) Apu trying to pawn off two of his kids on Sloane, and apparently has already given away three to Mia Farrow, then the Simpsons walk in and we get this dialogue from Bart and Lisa (“Look, it’s celebrity boy-toy Ned Flanders and his arm candy Sara Sloane!” “Miss Sloane, how are you handling the change from La-La-Land to Blah-Blah-Land?”) Nobody talks like that. At all. Especially not small children. If they’re going to keep writing dialogue like this for these kids, they might as well age them up to teens so it makes a little more sense.
– Sloane attends the local book club, where they all make excuses for why they didn’t read the week’s book and crack open the margaritas. I like that conceit, but then it’s ruined when Sloane brings in Bridget Jone’s Diary author Helen Fielding (voicing herself) to do a stupid bit, which then comes back later when the writers had absolutely no idea how to end the episode.
– I love this dialogue when Sloane shows Ned her skimpy outfit (“Loosen up, honey, this dress just creates the illusion of nudity.” “Well, Siegfried and Roy create a lot of illusions, but I doubt their girlfriends dress like that!”)
– Honestly, I can see Ned being tempted and sleeping with Sloane. It would have worked a lot better if the entire episode was focused on it, because it’s a huge leap for his character. Call it “The Last Temptation of Flanders.” Instead we got this, and a cop-out ending. Le sigh.

(originally aired February 16, 2003)
This episode aired directly after “Barting Over,” dubbed the “301st” episode, and while it has its problems, it’s a substantially better episode than the much-hyped “300th.” Lisa wins a school spelling bee, and is entered into a competition known as the Spell-ympics. The entire town is really psyched about her success, and while it’s not exactly clear why this is, it’s nice to see Lisa get some modicum of respect (which she quickly loses when she suggests that maybe academics can be viewed above athletes as national heroes for once). Meanwhile Homer tries out the new Krusty Burger concotion the Ribwich, and is instantly hooked. He’s surprised to find out that the “food” was only being tested for a limited time, and soon hooks up with some fellow “rib-heads” to travel to San Francisco to catch the foodstuff at its last stop. Homer’s Requiem for a Dream-style freakout to eating the sandwich is one of the more inspired bits in the last few years, a great representation of what it must be for these people who eat that goddamn McRib, and the frenzy they go into when McDonald’s releases it every so often. I can’t even imagine what’s in that sandwich, I assume a mixture of lips, assholes and tripe. Of what animal, I’m not entirely sure though.

George Plimpton guest stars as the head of the Spell-ympics, playing a very peculiar character. He’s of a serious air and seemingly standing for honesty and intellectualism, but it proves to be mostly a facade. But Plimpton plays it completely straight, and he’s pretty fantastic (“If spelling is to compete, it needs a charismatic champion. Someone like me, back when I was a white-haired little boy.”) And now for Lisa’s dilemma: the competition is down to three finalists, one of them being a sickeningly precocious little boy named Alex. The kid being a real crowd-pleaser, Plimpton sees him as the poster child of the “sport,” one who can bring it real legitimacy. Why this is, I’m not quite sure though. He mentions how people care more about Ozzy Osbourne than high-minded academics, meaning educational material is too strait-laced and safe. So why is your goal to have a saccharine sweet kid representing you? Wouldn’t you want some edgy, too-cool-for-school type as your champ? Whatever, the point is that Plimtpon urges Lisa to throw the contest, and in exchange, he will offer him a full scholarship to any of the Seven Sisters colleges.

So we’re at the start of act three and we know the ending from the start. Of course Lisa is not going to take the fall, and of course she’s not going to win. But let’s think this through. It’s not like the scholarship is coming from ill-gotten means, like Lisa’s dilemma on whether to accept Burns’s money in “The Old Man and the Lisa.” It’s also not clear on exactly what she gets if she wins the Spell-ympics. Just the trophy? Is that it? So she can either win the competition and get a trophy that will sit on her shelf and collect dust, or she can flub a word and get a full scholarship to a school she knows full well her parents can’t afford, but that academically she would be accepted to. Honestly, I would have just taken the fall. I know Lisa’s a girl of integrity, and it wouldn’t be much of an ending if she sold out, but really, come on. It would be totally excusable and satisfying if she did that. But regardless, Lisa returns home to find that the town still thinks she’s great! Overall, this episode is a bit dry and thin, and I have my own issues with the ending, clearly, but it’s alright, with its share of laughs, and it even manages to cram in a little sweet Homer-Lisa moment at the end, when Homer chooses his daughter over his last chance at some sweet Ribwich goodness.

Tidbits and Quotes
– This is our first appearance of Elvira “parody” Booberella. Parody is in quotes, since the great observation they made is that Elvira has big tits, and wore outfits that showed them prominently. I’ll admit, I was slightly amused by Tress MacNeille’s performance the first time around, but for some reason, this character kept coming back. Why, I don’t know, but I guess they thought the “Boooooobs!” schtick had legs. So there you go, our great new female characters for the later seasons: Lindsay Naegle, Cookie Kwan, the Crazy Cat Lady, and Booberella.
– I like the Ribwich commercial, with the product being made in some kind of steel mill, completely divorced from any kind of natural cooking process whatsoever. Krusty approves (“I don’t mind the taste!”)
– It’s great how Milhouse chokes on the word “choke.” He is laughed at incessantly by the children. Skinner opposes this at first (“Stop laughing! It will scar him for life!”) until he eventually gives in to a good chuckle himself. The animation of Milhouse slowly and despondently walking off stage in the background is pretty amazing.
– Chalmers heads the state spelling bee finals. The word is ‘ameliorate’ (“Can you use it in a sentence?” “Nothing can ameliorate the ineptitude of Principal Skinner.” “I wish he wouldn’t use me in every example.”)
– Lisa’s Rocky training montage is pretty great, with Otto asking her to spell AC-DC, Cletus getting his new young’n’s middle name (Scabies), and the very end bit with Moe berating her to spell “Little Miss She-Thinks-She’s-So-Big,” then losing interest when she actually complied (“I don’t got time for this, I got a bar to run.”) Then of course we have relapsed Barney. I guess the writers exhausted everything they could do with sober Barney, so they made him drunk again! …oh wait, they did nothing with sober Barney. Nothing. At all.
– Plimpton gives his credits while Homer shouts from the stands. Plimtpon is so straight-faced, that’s what makes it great (“Founder of the Paris Review, and I also played the evil dean in Boner Academy.” “You monster! Why did you expel Boogerman!” “He replaced my tennis racquet with a rubber phallus.”)
– Homer has to miss Lisa’s big final competition to follow the Ribwich to San Francisco, a terrible act that’s made somewhat excusable when you see that he’s actually going through physical withdrawal (“It’s not just a sandwich! It’s about brotherhood, it’s about freedom, it’s about three days since I’ve had one! I’m getting the shakes! Oh, and I’m getting the fries!”)
– Lisa dreams of the Seven Sisters actually personified as women. I remember this episode had a minor controversy over two of them kissing. Like there was literally a news article about it. The issue I have is why would an eight-year-old girl be dreaming about lesbianism in college, with the one urging her to “explore” with her. I don’t much like that. But I do like Plimpton popping in hawking his hot plate. “And a hot plate!” was often quoted by me and my friends.
– Homer gets his hands on the last Ribwich, but gives it away to a man offering him his car so he can get back to Springfield for Lisa’s competition. The man eats it in five seconds (“I have the buyer’s remorse…”)
– Quimby claims Lisa is the biggest winner in Springfield history by placing second, even though Homer went into outer space, was in a Grammy-winning group, and other such accolades. Maybe they were just humoring her. And then they show they’ve carved her likeness on the side of a humungous mountain, something we’d never ever see again. Okay. Whatever.

(originally aired February 16, 2003)
Homer strangling Bart has always been one of the show’s comic staples. When you think about it, it really is a horrible abusive action, but as Matt Groening puts it, it’s always done very quickly, and only when Homer is so incensed and feels he has no other recourse. This episode, for some reason or another, feels the need to illuminate this kind of behavior and make a semi-serious story out of it. Not specifically about the strangling, but of Homer’s uncharacteristic assholey behavior to his son on this show. Seeing the two at odds is kind of uncomfortable, which is really weird considering this is the “official” 300th episode. During spring cleaning, Bart and Lisa uncover a box of old video tapes, one containing an old baby product commercial starring an infant Bart. When Bart demands an explanation from his parents, Marge explains that the money he made went straight into a college fund, but of course Homer blew it all to buy back some incriminating photos of him dropping baby Bart off a hotel balcony a la Michael Jackson. Who’s taking these photos? Just the cavalier manner he discusses dropping his infant son potentially to his death is pretty horrible, so yeah, this is another ‘Homer-is-an-insufferable-asshole’ show.

Since Homer is apparently a raging madman and hates his son, Bart decides the best course of action is to get himself emancipated. Judge Harm surmises that he is clearly unsafe being around his father and rules in his favor. Okay, well, if that’s your flimsy excuse to get a ten-year-old out on his own, then what about Lisa and Maggie? They must be just as unsafe, put them in foster care or something. I feel so weird pondering over all this, like Homer is this abusive monster who tortures his kids, but in this episode, he doesn’t seem too far off. Bart should want to get the hell out of there, but that’s not what I want to see. We’ve seen a lot of examples of Homer being an excessively unlikable “protagonist,” but this might be the worst, where his asshole behavior has cost him his own son, and for good reason. It just puts this really dark cloud over the entire episode when Bart and Homer are at such serious odds with each other, which they of course put a flimsy bow on at the end to mend fences, but it couldn’t feel more forced.

With half of Homer’s wages, Bart rents a loft in a seedy part of downtown. He’s understandably uneasy being on his own at first, until he discovers the floor above him is a happenin’ skate pad where he meets Tony Hawk and blink-182. Okay. So our big finale is Homer getting Hawk to lose to him in a skateboarding contest using a magic skateboard, where they then duke it out in midair, floating on what must be invisible wires. Okay. Really, this entire episode has been dour and somewhat depressing, and now in our third act we just go full out ridiculous and crazy, but in the worst way possible. Why does Homer think that Bart left because he thought he wasn’t cool enough? It’s clear what Bart’s reasons for leaving were, he said it a thousand times, this confusion doesn’t make sense at all. If Homer can’t be expected to remember or care about the problems in the episode, then I shouldn’t either. This show is just a hot mess, made even more egregious in how much it was touted as the 300th episode. Not because it wasn’t actually the 300th, I don’t care about that. Within the show, Marge wonders how many crazy schemes Homer’s gotten into. With clicker in hand, Lisa counts 300. I guess that’s what the show thinks of itself now: Homer doing some zaaaanny each week on The Simpsons! I’m kinda bummed out right now.

Tidbits and Quotes
– Why would Bart or Lisa want to watch a tape labeled “Homer and Marge Get Dirty”? It’s not what you think it is, but what if it was?
– Lisa taunting Bart in English, then again in French is a little odd, but Maggie imitating her on the couch is pretty adorable.
– Why would the show make that Michael Jackson joke with Homer? Doing it with a deplorable side character, sure, but not our hero. That’s a fucking awful thing, and all Homer can do is joke about it doing the flipbook in reverse. “See? I saved you!” Terrible.
– Tired jokes come in spades at the end of act one. They lampoon on the age-old silly law firm names with “Hackey, Joke & Dunnit,” then have a character do the “Ee-wha?!” noise in surprise, but it’s actually Blue-Haired Lawyer calling for his Hawaiian secretary. Now that’s a fucking stretch.
– I keep pulling examples like this, but it illuminates how the show focuses more on writing “jokes” than actual believable dialogue. The family gets the subpoena that Bart wants to leave the house, to be divorced from his parents. What is Marge’s reaction? “I wanted a sewing room, but not like this! Not like this!” Her son, whom she loves more than life itself, has announced he plans to leave and never come back, and that is her knee-jerk response?
– Homer honestly is a maniac in the courtroom, threatening everybody, yelling at his son, tackling one of the guards… Really, all of his kids should be taken away from him at this point.
– The heart-shaped Indian burn Bart gives Lisa is kind of sweet (“If I did it right, it’s permanent.”) I also like Bart thinking that a loft has hay.
– The whole thing with Tony Hawk and the crew is another example of the writers wanting to write Bart older, but not quite as damning in that Bart already skateboards so it would be logical that Hawk would be an idol of his. Except we see Bart on his skateboard for about three seconds, so it doesn’t matter. blink-182 get fifteen words of dialogue between the three band members, they collect their checks and go on their merry way.
– Somehow, Bart is about to afford to furnish his apartment with a bunch of awesome stuff, plus still pay rent and food, with half of Homer’s salary. How could he swing all that? Plus the Simpson family is hard up as it is, the homestead must be falling apart having to pay for four people with their budget slashed in half. Perhaps they could have made that a plot point? …nope!
– The self-skating skateboard, Homer and Hawk floating in mid-air… why should I even bother commenting about the ending? I’ll say that Hawk seemed like a pretty good sport. He gave a good effort, it’s just he barely had any good material to work with (“You’re going down, Homer! Then back up. Then down, then back up again. That’s how the game is played.”)
– Lindsay Naegle appears on top of the skating ramp out of nowhere for the ending of the plot: Homer stars in his own commercial and gives the money to Bart as retribution. It’s for Viagragay, a product for hair growth and erectile dysfunction. The only great line in the whole episode comes from the very end with the fast disclaimer, and it’s one I quote with friends to this day (“Possible side effects include loss of scalp or penis.” “What’d he say about my scalp?”)

(originally aired February 9, 2003)
This isn’t exactly a startling conclusion, but it seems over the last five seasons or so, characters have become lesser versions of themselves, more caricatured and toothless. I refer to them as “neutered,” because it feels like a core element of some of these beloved regulars has been taken out, leaving them with a large emptiness. Homer’s slight sense of decency and humility has been lost, and replaced with a rampant sense of entitlement and assholery, but even more devastating is what’s happened to Marge. Once the voice of reason, and Homer’s guiding light through the world, it seems that Marge is content with standing on the sidelines while her husband either does something incredibly reckless and life-endangering, or something deplorable and selfish. Marge is a nagger, remember? One of her core character traits? Though it’s hardly nagging for her to speak up about some of the crazy shit Homer’s done, this episode being one of the most awful of his exploits.

This episode as a whole is kind of strange. I felt like I got what it was going for, but the way it was handled was so unfocused and sloppy, it just didn’t read correctly. But anyway, it starts almost as a reverse of “Viva Ned Flanders” (what good news!) where Homer inquires as to why Flanders lives such a good and lucky life. He eventually concludes that prayer is the answer, and proceeds to pray for incredibly minor items that coincidentally come true, like finding the TV remote or coming up with a new delicious snack treat. There’s no real plot to speak of yet, and already Homer is kind of being a selfish jerk, but don’t worry, he gets better. Homer somehow ends up falling in a small hole on church property, and with the help of a lawyer appearing out of thin air, he decides he’s going to sue the church. This is apparently to pay for repairs to his own house, which was presented in the last scene as a gag, not an actual concern for Homer. For reasons that escape me, Marge is mostly silent through the rest of the episode, popping in every now and again to meekly ask Homer reconsider his horrible actions, which of course he doesn’t. Get the fuck out of here, Marge, you’re ruining my good time being an inconsiderate dick! Aren’t I a likeable main character?

So Homer wins, somehow, to the tune of one million dollars, for some reason, and Reverend Lovejoy, not having that kind of money, must give up the deed to the church. And apparently the Lovejoys live in there, so they’re forced to move out. Homer shows absolutely no remorse or any kind of feeling toward anything he’s done, and proceeds to live in the church rather than make repairs for the house. He heartlessly kicks out an AA meeting from the building, and in its place starts up a multi-day hedonistic bash, with food, drink and debauchery. It’s obvious what the intent is here: with Lovejoy gone, Springfield becomes God-less, making the former church almost like a modern-day Sodom, with drinking, gambling and worshiping false idols. I know many of the citizens of Springfield are disgusting, shameless slobs, but this is stooping to such a sorry low. And Homer’s the ringleader here, making it even more uncomfortable. So eventually there’s a flood that drives everyone to the church roof, Lovejoy shows up on a helicopter for no fucking reason to pray for God’s forgiveness, causing the rain to stop. Then rather than have an actual ending, we have Lisa give a bullshit explanation for how the impossible stuff we just witnessed could happen. Except it makes no sense. I feel I’d be more pissed at this episode if it actually felt competently made, but it wasn’t clicking for me it all. The whole twenty minutes just kind of washed over me, and when it was over, it was over. What a glowing review, huh?

Tidbits and Quotes
– Tell me if this sounds like natural Bart dialogue to you (“Check out Janeane Giraffe-alo!” “That’s Fung Pang Li, the seven-foot sensation from Sichaun.” “Sichaun, eh? No wonder she’s so spicy!”) What the fuck? Then Homer wonders what it would be like to be with a woman that large. But you were, don’t you remember last week when your wife got super muscular? What happened is that you were raped.
– The WNBA is a very boring setpiece, with the only gags coming from “they’re women, and they’re playing basketball!” Their mascot is a sexy basketball with legs (who is revealed to be Gil, which Moe keeps trying to court, a gag that goes on and on and onnnn…), then we get a look at the WNFL, whose logo is a football sitting at a hairdresser’s. Because that’s what ladies do, amiright?!
– Guest star Lisa Leslie (another worthless celebrity appearance) is incredulous about Flanders actually watching sports, so he responds with a funny list (“Speed-walking, ballroom dancing, rhythmic gymnastics, extreme choir…”) Here we have neutered Flanders. Remember in the past when Ned was actually a guy who enjoyed football, could lose his temper from time to time, and enjoy some of the artificial splendors in life? Now he’s just a lame, Bible-thumping wuss pushed to an unbelievable degree, making him less of a character and more of a caricature, like much of the cast nowadays.
– Ned’s good luck cuts Homer too deep when he’s allowed to drive home in the Wienermobile (“It’s not fair! I’ve always wanted to drive a food-shaped car!” “The steering wheel is a giant onion ring!” “They thought of everything!”)
– I feel like this story of Homer abusing the power of prayer could have worked, like in the third act something actually horrible happens and Homer has to work his way out of it himself, with the message being God can’t solve all your problems, and sometimes you have to be willing to put up or shut up yourself. But no, let’s have a flood instead.
– Homer announces he’s going to sue the church, one of the most horrible ideas he’s ever had. What is Marge’s reaction? “You can’t sue the church! They’ll poke fun at us in the church bulletin!” That’s her immediate thinking process? Every line doesn’t have to be a joke, especially when it’s a lousy one.
– The trial zips by like a bullet train. The Blue-Haired Lawyer shows a video displaying how Homer is naturally accident prone, which cracks up the jury, who then immediately finds the church guilty. What? Also Homer is in a leg cast in the courtroom, but then in the next scene at the church, his leg is fine. So was it all phony? Like “Bart Gets Hit By a Car” phony bandages? I guess so. Man, what a flaming asshole. The third act may be the worst he’s ever been, but he drifts through the episode in such a fog that it’s hard to be mad at him for some reason.
– “Got two of every animal. But only males, I don’t want any hanky-panky.” I hate this line. Why would Ned do this? I feel like a fucking moron having to explain this, but God wanted two of every creature on the ark so they could procreate, so Ned vetoing this for his bizarro anti-sexual self is him defying God’s law. Does that sound like Ned to you?
– The ending is so horrible. Lovejoy literally appears with no explanation or reason and causes the rain to stop. Then Lisa feebly explains what happened, even though it makes even less sense than the flood in “Mom and Pop Art,” which was a big enough stretch as it was.

(originally aired February 2, 2003)
I started out dreading this one immediately, because all I could remember is it involved a roided-up muscular Marge pumping with insane rage. But shockingly, contained within the first two acts of this episode is an actually serviceable and satisfying story about Marge overcoming her anxieties. Then they had nowhere to go and slapped on one of the most ridiculous and uncomfortable plot turns ever. We start at a yard sale prompted by Rainier Wolfcastle filing for bankruptcy, where Homer picks up his original weight set, thinking it may go up in value. On her way home alone, Marge stops at the Kwik-E-Mart to change Maggie, but is accosted by a mugger in the alleyway, who grabs the pearls off her neck and flees. Marge is understandably shocked by this, and soon after develops a severe case of agoraphobia. There’s a nicely animated sequence of Marge unable to leave the front stoop into the whirling, dangerous vortex that is the outside world.

What works here is that for the large part, Marge’s condition is treated seriously, with Homer and the kids acting genuinely worried about her and trying to help her get back into the world. Eventually Marge becomes so far gone she takes up living in the basement. The scene of Homer finding his wife nervously hunched in a corner down the stairs is pretty disconcerting. I was surprised how on-the-level they kept this story, but then I guess it’s hard to crack as many jokes when it’s at Marge’s expense. With nothing else to do, Marge takes up weightlifting, and by a few weeks, she starts to get pretty bulked up and a renewed sense of energy, so much so that she runs outside to get a lemon without a second thought. I really like the shot where she’s standing outside frozen, finally processing what she just did, overcoming her fears without even realizing it. Her triumphant run through Springfield is cut short when she encounters the mugger, who she proceeds to beat the shit out of, Godfather style. So there you go, the main catalyst of the episode has been dealt with, Marge is cured and the story is basically over, let’s go home, everybody. …wait, we have seven minutes left?

All the good will earned by the first two acts is dragged down an awful lot by the third. Marge encounters her old neighbor Ruth Powers on the beach, who encourages her to enter a bodybuilding competition, with some performance enhancing “assistance.” Now, it doesn’t make sense for her to want to compete in anything, and as a PTA mother, she would never, ever take drugs, ever. Her walk on the wild side with Ruth in “Marge on the Lam” actually made sense given the backstory, and that she was mostly dragged along for it, but this is like apples and oranges. Plus, Ruth is barely in this episode, and she basically doesn’t matter here. So Marge roids it up and becomes a hulking, scary mountain of a woman, who ends up destroying everything and everyone in Moe’s after winning second place in the competition. A genuinely fear-struck Homer tells her how much she wants her sweet, caring Marge back, which permeates her drug-addled brain, leading her to dispose of her barbells. Except they were never the problem, it was the steroids. There’s actually a really solid story here in the first two acts, but then everything goes to shit in the end when they have nowhere to go. A promising, but ultimately sloppy episode.

Tidbits and Quotes
– The Eye on Springfield opening is kind of depressing. It’s recycled from an older episode (season 3, I think?), and it’s been used a few times, but here it starkly contrasts with the newer animation, and the new bits they added aren’t even jokes. Kent washes his car. Kent bites into a sandwich and the contents fall out. Okay?
– I kind of like Homer filling up his car Tetris-style, but that’s basically it for the whole beginning. Besides that we have him eating a sword and Rainier’s past in gay porn. I’m guessing that’s a Schwarzenegger reference, did he act in gay porn? I dunno.
– The little Kwik-E-Mart play the family sets up is pretty cute. And I liked how Milhouse acted as the robber, but seemingly of his own volition. Bart probably told him about it and decided it would be a funny prank, not realizing how devastating the situation actually is.
– The episode plays Marge’s condition fairly straight, save Hibbert’s slightly antagonistic speech to her, and this rough line she gives (“What to do now… too crazy to go outside, not crazy enough to have imaginary friends.”)
– I really don’t have anything to say about Ruth’s reappearance. She just kind of shows up with barely a mention of where she’s been or where her daughter is. She’s basically the episode’s excuse to get a friendly face to convince Marge to do the steroids. And since Marge really has no friends, they had to drag Ruth back out again.
– “Man, what am I smoking? …oh right, pot.” And with that, any semblance of subtlety in Otto’s character is lost forever. From this point on, he’s just a guy who takes drugs. Lots of drugs. Let’s do a bunch of drug jokes, we can get away with them now! Yeah!
– By the time we get to the bodybuilding competition, I have no idea what I’m watching. It all feels so completely alien to me. I get that Marge has completely whacked out on ‘roids, but I still don’t buy she would do this at all in the first place. Then she brutally beats up everyone in the bar, in a manner that many of them must be seriously injured, or possibly even killed. She smashes the record player over Disco Stu’s head, he must have some sort of brain damage now (“Disco Stu should have Disco Ducked!”) Then the ending is so fucking serious, with Marge still in a rage and Homer nervously trying to calm his wife down with maudlin music in the background… Jesus Christ, a few scenes earlier we were making jokes about buffed up women, now it’s a drama all of a sudden. I really hate this third act, it’s awful all around.
– I think I’ve covered just about everything. …oh wait, one more thing, in this episode, Marge rapes Homer. Yep. She rapes him. And it’s played off as comedy, because as we all know, rape isn’t a thing if it’s female-on-male. A muscular Marge accosts Homer in bed (“Let’s do it!” “Listen, my bulky flower, I have an early day tomorrow…” “I wasn’t asking.”) Next scene we see Homer at the kitchen table, clearly sore and out of sorts with a glazed look in his eyes. Just terrible. I can’t believe they did this. Now I’m a big fan of dark comedy, and I’ve laughed at some pretty horrid shit, but when it comes to joking about really severe topics, context and delivery are absolutely key, and can make or break your gag. So what’s happening in the scene? Homer is nervous and whimpering, being pinned down by his buff wife, then we cut to the next day of him barely being able to walk. So yeah, the joke is that Marge had rough, raw sex with him against his will, so much so that he’s having trouble moving. That’s fucking terrible. Hands down the most terrible, tasteless joke the show has ever, ever done. If anyone has the DVD and could tell me what the crew says about this part on the commentary, if anything, I’d be interested how they could possibly defend this deplorable “joke.” I’m sure it’ll go something like this: someone will off-hand say that possibly it was in poor taste, then they’ll all laugh about it.