(originally aired November 16, 2008)
This episode is kind of like “Lisa the Greek,” except it’s terrible. More pretentious know-it-all Lisa, and unforgivable asshole Homer, together in one aggravating, uncomfortable show. Lisa develops a knack for doing crosswords, becoming an expert, because the Simpsons are insanely fast learners nowadays. These are New York Times level crosswords, containing clues pertaining to history, old pop culture, an untold multitude of questions that no eight-year-old girl could possibly be able to figure out. But never mind that, of course Lisa knows Isaac Bashevis wrote Yentl, or the Bay Area Rapid Transit. Doesn’t everyone? She is entered into a crossword competition, going up against adults. In “I’m Spelling As Fast As I Can,” we had Lisa in a spelling bee against other kids, that makes logical sense. Here, she’s besting everyone at doing these really hard crosswords with questions that there’s no possible way she would know the answers to. Lisa is very smart, but she’s still just a little girl, something the writers fail to remember a lot of the time.

Shit hits the fan before the final round. Homer has been making huge bets for her daughter to win it all, but pulls back when Lisa talks to him about her worry that she might sabotage herself as she gets closer to the finals, in a rather depressing manner that again sounds nothing like an eight-year-old (“In my young life, I’ve seen that every time I’m about to achieve true happiness, some little piece of me says, ‘You don’t deserve this,’ and another little piece says, ‘I agree.'”) This is really worrying behavior. Perhaps Homer should quit while he’s ahead, hold onto his already vast winnings, and get her daughter into therapy. Or, he can bet against her and get some more money. What a fucking scumbag. Lisa finds out and is livid of course, so much so she rejects the Simpson name and rebrands herself Lisa Bouvier. How will Homer wiggle his way out of this? By someone contacting the guys who make the New York Times crossword to print clues in the form of a half-assed apology to her. That’ll patch things up nicely. How about Homer put that ill-gotten money into Lisa’s college fund? Nah, twenty minutes is up, we’ve wrapped things up already, never mind. Can you imagine “Lisa the Greek” now? Homer would’ve bet on the big game in the third act and acted like an inconsiderate buffoon, until the last two minutes where we’d have an insincere resolution crammed in. Just awful.

Tidbits and Quotes
– Homer is aggravating from the start, with his new “business” of assisting with break-ups, where he will do the break-up for someone who’s too spineless to do it themselves. This proves to be quite lucrative, starting off with him dumping Skinner for Edna, who for some reason can’t do it herself, and also the two are together again, I guess. Homer even gets a call from his old roommate Grady (“The gay guy?” “That’s not all I am!”) Sorry, but on this show, that is all you are He wants to break up with Julio since now he’s with Duffman. Homer goes down to the gay club to tell him, and assists everyone else in the club with their breakups: everyone just move one guy to the right and they’re all happy. Because gay guys are promiscuous, and will fuck any other guy without qualm. Those craaaaazy gays! The Homer plot doesn’t even tie into the crossword betting, only in that he uses his money he earned from this “business” to bet with. But if he’d have pulled out a giant wad of cash out of nowhere, I wouldn’t have batted an eye at this point.
– I take issue with the words having been removed from the dictionary: I still use ‘skedaddle’ and ‘hootenanny’ all the time.
– I really don’t understand why Gil is the champion at the end for several reasons. First, it’s Gil coming up with a duplicitous plan to trick this little girl and take home the gold. This is Gil, the ultimate loser, he shouldn’t be this sharp. That and he completes the entire crossword in under five seconds, which is just fucking impossible. Also, why would his plan work at all? Even if Lisa had never seen any of Gil’s matches, he still got all the way up to the semi-finals. He has to be really good at crosswords, otherwise he wouldn’t even be there. So if it were Gil or just another random character, either way it makes no goddamn sense.
– It’s astounding just how insensitive and monstrous Homer is in this episode, only finally feeling remorseful once he realizes he’s in the doghouse. Seeing him filled with glee at Lisa losing as his tray of money is handed over to him is such an unpleasant sight. They might as well have made the act break Homer laughing maniacally fanning himself with bills with Lisa’s face crying on a TV in the background.
– Marge never knew Jacqueline Kennedy’s last name was Bouvier, thinking it was just Jackie O (“Like Spaghetti-O’s!”) Seriously? More of the writers mistaking her naivety for her just being stupid.
– Oh my God! Will Shortz and Merl Reagle guest star! Two people that no one fucking knows! Reagle did all the crosswords appearing in the show, including a special Simpsons-themed one for the New York Times the Sunday this episode aired. He did a fantastic job, and I’m sure he worked harder on those than the writers did on this whole fucking episode.

(originally aired November 9, 2008)
Did Homer and Marge do anything else in their past other than fight, break up and get back together? The writers certainly can’t think of anything else, so here’s another fucking flashback episode. This one actually jumps between two time periods, twenty years prior, and five years prior to present day, about Homer and Marge’s simultaneous almost affairs. This is after “I Married Marge” and “Lisa’s First Word,” by the way, and all those wonderful, beautiful moments where we saw just how much these two love each other and what Homer is willing to do for his wife and his family. Here, they squabble and bitch about stupid shit, because their relationship is always on the rocks in every time period (“Homer Simpson, I wish I’d never met you!”) First we see young Homer and Marge hitch a ride with recent newlyweds Ned and Maude Flanders. Goddammit, more of the “everybody knew everybody” shit again. Worse yet, of course this is more psycho religious Ned, forcing Homer and Marge to sleep in separate rooms and having Maude wait up in a tree with a Super Soaker aimed at Homer’s penis if case he tries any funny stuff the morning after. No, really, that happened.

The most focus is on five years ago when Homer and Marge both almost had one-night stands with two people they met at a party, two people whose names I don’t remember and have no real character traits to speak of. The guy is another Hank Azaria-voiced swarthy fellow, and the girl is another nondescript Tress MacNeille voice. I’ll once again reiterate this is after Bart and Lisa were born, so Homer and Marge’s relationship should be pretty strong and meaningful at this point. But instead, they have a petty skirmish… something about Homer being reckless and irresponsible, and him thinking Marge is no fun. Okay… whatever. The two characters end up together at the end, and they show up at the cabin that the present day Simpsons are visiting, and the truth is revealed. Homer and Marge have another falling out, and get back together by the end, because of course they do. I think this may be the worst flashback show ever… yes, even worse than “That ’90s Show.” That and “The Way We Weren’t” were terrible, but at least they existed in Homer and Marge’s pre-marital days. Here, the events of the classic flashback episodes already happened, and despite all that, we see Homer and Marge are still as flimsy a couple as ever, negating everything those other shows stood for.

Tidbits and Quotes
– Nice small joke at the beginning where Lisa and Maggie are asleep in the backseat leaning against each other, and Bart toys with their heads, seeing that their spiky hair interlocks like cogs.
– Holy shit I hate the Flanders stuff. Homer’s instant irrational hatred of Ned in “Lisa’s First Word” is a lot funnier than here where we see young Homer is taken with the guy, at least until he splits them up (“I never thought I’d say this, but… stupid Flanders.”) See, it’s funny because he hates Ned in modern day! Idn’t that great! Also, Ned is a sick, sick fuck, putting a bear trap outside Homer’s door (“What better way to celebrate our wedding night than by keeping an unmarried couple apart?”) and getting aroused by Maude buttoning up her dead grandmother’s pajamas.
– Bart plays a video game, Cereal Killer, where he guns down famous cereal mascots, all voiced by Maurice LaMarche. I found it funny since LaMarche actually is the voice of Toucan Sam, and here he does his death cries as he’s shot down.
– They try to play Homer and Marge extremely naive in how they stumble into almost fucking these other people, but I don’t get it. These two are grown adults who should be able to pick up on obvious cues (“You are adorable! Are you alone?” “No, I’m talking to you at this great party!”) Marge doesn’t speak up for herself because she’s a namby pamby pushover, and Homer they just have get drunk. That almost feels worse to me… this whole episode feels worse, to be fair.
– I don’t see exactly what bullshit lies Homer and Marge concocted for each other on where the other had been all day, why they both ended up at that cabin, where Marge got that fancy dress, or where the girl’s car or the guy’s giant plane came from.
– The only good thing in the episode comes from li’l Bart and Lisa. Abe arrives at the cabin with the two kids and passes out on the bed. Bart cheers that now they can stay awake forever, the two jump for joy, then immediately pass out. So freaking adorable.
– The peddle car bit with Bart and Lisa is cute at first, but goes on for twice as long as it needs to.
– It’s weird that Marge, and seemingly Homer, would hold onto the cabin memory as one of the most beautiful moments of their marriage considering the secretive circumstances. You’d think each of them would be quick to brush those memories off and not mention them, let alone go on a family visit to the cabin where they almost fucked other people.