(originally aired February 11, 2007)
It’s time for a Bart to get another girlfriend voiced by a celebrity! What’s the gimmick this time? Sheeeeeeee’s pregnant! There’s two things here that are huge detriments to these kind of shows, this one in particular. But first, the road there: a fire started at Cletus’s farm trails its way to the entire town, because I guess all of Springfield is flammable and fire is now sentient. Bart ends up saving the day inadvertently riding a wagon powered by fire extinguishers, which I guess have enough retardant in them to engulf the entirety of the town-wide brush fire. For his good deed, Quimby offers Bart one wish, because I guess he’s a genie now, and he chooses to get his driver’s license. This leads to him driving to North Haverbrook and meeting an older girl Darcy. Who is Darcy? Who knows? I can’t give you a single personality trait of hers. Not one. The episode involves the two of them and their “relationship” heading to a serious place, but we know absolutely nothing about her. I once again point to Jessica Lovejoy: a one-off character like the rest, but with more character than all of Bart’s future lady friends put together.

Darcy wants to marry Bart, and soon admits it’s because she’s pregnant, hoping she could easily snag a surrogate father. So let’s figure this out: Darcy’s taller than Bart, but certainly short for a teenager, she may be fifteen, sixteen? And she thinks that Bart, this childish imp who can barely see over his own steering wheel, is around her age? It’s another instance of the writers wanting to make the kids older and develop young adult stories for them. Bart seriously considering marrying this girl and becoming a father? What happened to the kid who still believed in cooties and derided all “girly” behavior like love and kissing? Well, he’s still here, it’s just one scene he’ll be immature, and the next he’ll be making out with Darcy and contemplating married life. They want to have their cake and eat it too, except it just doesn’t work at all. We get a cop-out ending that really isn’t an ending at all where Darcy’s parents are a-OK with her pregnancy, and she and Bart’s relationship is over for some reason. Another complete waste of a good guest star. Why the fuck bother getting Natalie Portman if you give her absolutely nothing to do?

Tidbits and Quotes
– There’s also a B-story involving Lisa bluffing through Heritage Day claiming she’s descended from Native Americans, but it’s so unbelievably boring. That and it feels like a pathetic after school special about telling the truth. It all culminates in Lisa speaking at a big conference, where she ultimately admits she was lying, it’s as if she herself got tired of the plot and just wanted to end it. Nothing but worthless filler.
– They give a self-conscious nod with the “I’m flaming!” Smithers line, but like all of their fourth wall moments nowadays, it’s well after the show had beaten the joke into the ground, and I’m sure we’ll be seeing plenty more lazy Smithers gay jokes in the future.
– The recreation of the opening sequence with Bart driving the car is really more killing time, and it was done much better with heavy Bart in “The Heartbroke Kid.”
– Rather than meet Darcy early in act two and give her a character, we waste time by having Homer force Bart to drive him places. First up, he takes him to the gas station to fill up a sack of volleyballs to chuck over the prison fence, to “create chaos and confusion.” For what purpose? Is this a joke? And also, can we please, please retire the loud Homer whisper voice? I’m so fucking tired of it.
– How is Bart able to drive without some kind of a booster seat? He’s got a book underneath the pedal, but how can his short little legs reach it at all? Oh, who cares. The writers sure didn’t.
– What do we know about Utah? They’re polygamist weirdos! (“So, how many brides will you be marrying today, Mr. Simpson?” “Just one.” “Pfft. What’re you, gay?”) What do we know about pregnant women? They get mad cravings! The satire on this show used to be through the roof, and now it’s permanently stuck on the base level and seemingly content to be there.

(originally aired January 28, 2007)
Sigh… Another fucking anthology episode. The Rich Texan cuts Homer off and he swears revenge, sparking three stories with a theme of vengeance. Here once more, Homer’s “character” is cemented as an out-of-control blood thirsty wild man who should be locked away somewhere far away from Marge and the kids. First is the Count of Monte Cristo, which involves Moe stealing Marge away from Homer, which at this point we’ve seen twice already in these trilogy shows. The stories are different, but the character dynamics are all the same shit we’ve seen before, wrapped up in the most tired French jokes imaginable. The second is not a parody, just some nonsense where Milhouse gets a magic weapon to enact payback on the bullies. These episodes where characters randomly retell these famous stories are strange enough, and here we have Lisa telling this tale that she seemingly just made up on the spot. Lastly is Bartman, reenacting the Batman origin story, except it defies the source material since it involves Bart killing people. I won’t belabor these points further. These anthology episodes are just plain lazy, and I very much dislike them.

Tidbits and Quotes
– “Revenge never solves anything!” “Then what’s America doing in Iraq?” Great political commentary, guys!
– Burns for some reason helps Homer escape from prison, then admits he’s doing it because he sexually assaulted him several times as he slept. Because as established in “Strong Arms of the Ma,” rape is funny, right? So gay rape will be even funnier!
– The crazy Rube Goldberg killing machine at the end of the first segment is so random. What does this have to do with the story? Then Marge spells out the obvious moral, and we go back to reality to find Homer wasn’t paying attention and is still a sociopath. He’s tracking down this old man to beat him within an inch of his life, what else can I call him?
– So Homer admits to framing Maggie for shooting Mr. Burns, in basically yet another big middle finger to the fans. It’s this odd scorn where the writers are annoyed, seemingly angered that viewers care about this show and want it to be taken at least somewhat seriously, and then they give us episodes like this.
– The second segment is incredibly thin, clocking in at barely four minutes. Then it becomes almost like a Halloween show with decapitating Willie, which they comment on at the end, because we all know that if one points out their shitty writing, it completely absolves it, right?
– Speaking of… “Hey, jerk! Puns are lazy writing!” PLEASE STOP, YOU FUCKING HYPOCRITES.

(originally aired January 7, 2007)
Is six years too late to parody something as forgettable as The Perfect Storm? And do we even care to see it? Well, it doesn’t matter, ’cause here it is. This episode is kind of a big jumble of stuff leading to the back half with Homer out at sea, where we get “drama” and “tension” regarding whether he and the crew will survive. What do you fucking think? Things get rolling when we see old Bouvier home movies of young Marge at Barnacle Bay, a New England island of fun and fancy free. In a shocking display of unselfish generosity for once, Homer takes the whole family there, only to find the place is now a filthy, run-down shell of its former self. And so, with one step forward, we get twenty steps back as Homer vows to rebuild his wife’s childhood memories… by paying meth addicts to fix up a dilapidated carousel and forcing his children to manually power it from below the boardwalk. What a swell guy.

After accidentally setting fire to said boardwalk, Homer pays off his debt by assisting the local fishermen. Through painfully boring exposition, we find that the town used to rely on succulent “yum yum” fish, but they had driven them to near extinction. At least until dumbass Homer uses beer batter as bait and catches a whole slew of them. Then a storm hits. Then the ship sinks. Then everyone thinks they’re all dead. Then they show up and they’re not dead. Jesus. We as an audience know they’ll survive, but the characters should treat grave situations in a believable manner. “One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish” had everyone thinking Homer was going to die, and we believed it based on how people acted. Here, the ship is crawling up a humungous wave, and Homer, for no discernible reason, whips out a golf club, goes out on the bow and tees off. We also have li’l irritating activist Lisa shaming the locals for abusing their resources, and it ends with a big slap in the face as the town goes from overfishing to overlogging. So it’s not satisfying seeing Lisa act like such a pushy self-righteous know-it-all, but despite that, it’s also not satisfying seeing her ignored and her hopes diminished, because we still care about her, or at least who she used to be. So ultimately it’s an ending, and an episode, that satisfies no one. But of course, this is nothing new.

Tidbits and Quotes
– Seeing the Simpsons and Van Houtens fight at the outdoor movie event reminds me that a few episodes ago they showed Kirk at the Divorced Dad Picnic. I totally forgot that he and Luann had got back together. It seems the writers did too. I guess it’ll be like Barney’s sobriety, Kirk and Luann’s relationship will wax and wane depending on what joke they need. Fuck continuity.
– “While you’re watching this quiet riot, I’ll be slipping these religious pamphlets on your windshields!” Every time Flanders appears on screen, I dislike him more and more. These characters I once loved are now becoming the subject of hate. It’s really uncomfortable.
– The silent film goes on foreeeeevver, and none of it is funny. Then Patty and Selma show the home movies, which also feels wrong. They love their vacation slides, but they’re also very private people. Would they really be eager to screen their private moments to the entire town?
– “This is the most disgusting place we’ve ever gone!” “What about Brazil?” “After Brazil.” Some of the shots the show takes now kind of seem unnecessarily mean. They made the Brazil episode, basically painting the country as a complete shithole, people got upset because of the poor portrayal, and now this is the show’s response, “Well, fuck you, guys, your country is garbage.” When New Orleans got upset about the song in “A Streetcar Named Marge,” they had the chalkboard gag, “I Will Not Defame New Orleans.” It wasn’t the show falling to its knees and pathetically apologizing, but it was an amusing nod that this was all in good fun. Here, the attacks are just mean-spirited.
– We are at the point where nearly every scene contains something annoying. Homer eats the disgusting fish, including one of its sharp spikes. He’s seriously dumb enough to serve the crew bait, and to continue to think it’s Opposite Day. And the scene where he clubs the fish to death without batting an eye… it felt really sad. I mean, “Whacking Day,” this ain’t.
– “The Carnival of the Animals” is used so often in this show, and it is forever tainted because of it. Well, not really. I’ll always remember that piece of music, and this episode will fade into obscurity in my memory soon enough.

(originally aired December 17, 2006)
I feel like there was potential in this episode, a chance to develop a one-note secondary character, and an examination of Marge and how far she can be pushed until she hits a breaking point, but this is yet another time where the show’s penchant for being extremely exaggerated works against it. An act of kindness to Lisa by department store Santa Gil ends up getting him fired on Christmas Eve. Taking pity on him, Marge lets Gil stay for the night, then for the next day, and then for the entire next year. The second act is in two stages: first, the “conflict” is set up with the most transparent dialogue possible. Marge explains how she can’t say no to people, and later while Homer is complaining about Gil at the bar, Carl comes out of nowhere with this statement (“Well, you can’t kick him out, because then Marge will never learn to assert herself.”) Thanks, Carl, that sounded completely natural for you to say. After that, it’s just fast-forwarding through the year as Gil becomes more and more of a burden and a mooch, Homer scowls and Marge does nothing. Yawn.

This plot is insane. An entire year goes by and Marge can’t tell Gil to leave? And moreover, Homer doesn’t buckle and force him out himself? Or when Marge sees how her kids are being affected, with Gil stealing their lunches, she doesn’t step up then? If this had been over a month, and we really see her struggle, okay, sure, but once again, when it’s an entire year, it feels exaggerated to such an absurd level I can’t take it seriously. When Marge finally works up the gumption to kick Gil out, it turns out he’s already gone. Not only that, he apparently became a real estate kingpin in Scottsdale overnight. How did this happen? And how did Marge not notice him leave? I guess she was raking those leaves for a long time. Wanting to get her big “no” out, the now insane Marge drives to Scottsdale and tells Gil off at work, causing him to get fired. It’s a really sour ending. Gil took advantage of the Simpsons, but in a blind-sighted, naive way. Marge was a complete doormat against the constant insistence by her husband, then completely blew Gil’s happy ending for her own selfish reasons. It’s hard to really feel for anyone by the end of this, which is kind of rough for a Christmas episode.

Tidbits and Quotes
– We have a completely redone winter-themed version of the opening, which is nice, I guess. We’re but a stone’s throw away from the new HD opening, but more on that when we get there. The only curious thing is that they reanimated everything except for Bart writing on the chalkboard. That old 90s cel animated asset really clashes with the digitally colored stuff surrounding it. If they redid everything else, why not that small part?
– I think this is the title I hate the most. Sure, all these episodes have lame parody titles, but they always at least make some sense. “Moe’N’a Lisa”? Well, it’s about Moe and Lisa. “Ice Cream of Margie”? Well, Homer’s got his ice cream truck and that ties in with the Marge story, so sure. But this one, “Kill Gil”? Yeah, Marge is annoyed with Gil, but the title just makes no sense. And try and say the whole thing out loud: Kill Gil, Volumes 1 & 2. Just rolls off the tongue, doesn’t it?
– Krusty’s Kristmas on Ice: Adults $40/Children $39. Literally the exact same joke from the Halloween show concerning Krusty’s museum.
– It’s gotten to the point where I can predict jokes before they happen. Marge wants to leave when a fight breaks out on the ice? Homer’s going to be in that fight. Then we cut to Costington’s and we see Mayor Quimby. It’s going to be an infidelity gag. Then Burns and Smithers walk by, and Burns gets four words out before I figure out the next forty second scene. The characters have all become so painfully sanitized and one-note, what’s the point in watching this show if you can easily call them on their gags?
– It is pretty sweet when Gil gets Lisa her toy and refuses to take it back at the risk of his job. That’s the thing, he’s a nice guy, but inadvertently takes advantage, I feel they could have really made a great story out of this. Instead, they pushed it too far into ridiculous territory and I can’t go along with it.
– Nice exchange between Marge and Homer on MLK Jr. Day (“We have to let him stay! It’s what Dr. King would want us to do!” “Oh, that’s it, we’re changing doctors!”)
– I get the joke they were going for with Marge recalling her memory, but it’s something only we see and not Homer, leaving him confused… but it just doesn’t work.
– It’s so, so stupid, but the Grumple that keeps showing up everywhere amused me. Homer knocks him out at the bar and starts bleeding green blood (“What the hell is this thing?!”)
– Would Marge be such a wet blanket that she wouldn’t tell Gil to quiet down when he’s playing piano and singing with a bunch of drunks on St. Patrick’s Day night? I guess so. Also, apparently the leprechaun from “Treehouse of Horror XII” is real in this universe, somehow.
– So, in the end, the Simpsons bought a house in Scottsdale… why? Gil just got fired, it’s not helping him out. Oh, whatever.

(originally aired December 10, 2006)
We had sad, pathetic Moe two episodes ago, and now we have sad, pathetic Nelson. What’s with wussifying all these characters? It’s the idea that the big mean school bully is just scared, vulnerable and wants to be loved, but that’s such a trite concept that the episode does nothing to build upon. Nelson invites everyone to his birthday party, and only Bart arrives, having been forced to go, and also the one who riled everyone else up to ditch him. He soon feels bad, as Nelson is apparently a pitiful, lonely loser, and the two become friends. I’ve mentioned this previously, but a big thing lost in these new episodes is subtlety. Making Nelson more than just a threat on the playground is fine, as we’ve seen softer sides to him before with his infatuation with Andy Williams and huckleberries. But here, Nelson’s this cloying, co-dependent basket case. It’s such a wild shift, and none of it was particularly entertaining. It’s sort of like a character study, but I wasn’t buying into it.

Bart discovers being friends with Nelson gives him amnesty from the other bullies, which warms him up to his new acquaintance. But Nelson becomes insanely jealous when he finds Bart hanging out with Milhouse, and Bart gets understandably shaken up about it. The two have a final confrontation on a field trip, where feelings are expressed (“There you go again, you act all nice and then you go crazy!” “Well, maybe I get jealous, but it’s just because… I’ve never had a best friend before.”) Awww, how sweet. Gag. Everything feels so artificial and phony though, since this turn with Nelson had no real build-up to it. Why didn’t the other bullies show up to Nelson’s party? And doesn’t he consider them his friends? If they had showed Nelson is like the pariah in the bully social circle and that they don’t really care about him, I would buy into that, since he hangs around with them all the time. Why didn’t they do anything like that? An annoyingly empty episode.

Tidbits and Quotes
– The B-plot involves Homer’s bedtime story time to Lisa, reading “Angelica Button,” which the shrewd viewer will notice slightly resembles Harry Potter. And by slightly, I mean it’s this show’s version of “parody,” which is just copy the thing and change the nouns. It’s also this bizarre thing where they’ve talked about Harry Potter on the show, and had J.K. Rowling guest star, and yet this knock-off series exists, just like we have Star Wars and Cosmic Wars. Also, Homer cries over a signed photo of Graystache, which for some reason looks like the fantasy version we see when he tells the story, which exactly like him. It’s all a bunch of nonsense. The conclusion with Lisa preferring Homer’s made-up ending to spare her feelings is kind of sweet, and I really like the line, “Time to do what I do best: lie to a child!,” but that’s about it.
– Bart and Lisa walking in on their parents having sex kind of bothers me. It’s happened in the past, but as a quick joke: spurring baby Bart’s first words, or working into a story, like in the montage of Homer and Marge’s struggling sex life, but here, much effort is made by them to shoo the kids away so they can have morning coitus, then they see it, and we see Bart visibly traumatized. It’s kind of disturbing to me, then they follow it up with Milhouse mentioning he’s walked in on his dad masturbating. Or perhaps something much more filthy. I’d rather not extrapolate.
– “Individually, we are weak, like a single twig, but as a bundle, we form a mighty faggot!” Yeah guys, “faggot” is an actual word outside a gay slur. But lots of people don’t know that. So how can we make this joke? Show the dictionary definition on the screen. Because as I always say, explaining the joke always makes things funnier.
– Nelson escorts Bart to the good life, walking through the back of the cafeteria to VIP seating a la the long camera shot from Goodfellas. At least it’s a “parody” that integrates into the story, but it’s still kind of weird. When did Nelson become kingpin of the school? And also, more poor cel-shaded CG with the hallways.
– The well-established poor Nelson apparently has a digital camera that he took pictures of Bart and Milhouse with. Okay.
– At the start of act three, Bart fears for his life from Nelson at the kitchen table. Then Grampa appears (“Bully problem, eh!”) He’s just there standing in the kitchen, and due to a slight animation mistake, when the camera pulls out to reveal him, he slides forward a bit into position. And what a perfect visual representation of this trope. Characters appearing in scenes for no reason, just sliding into frame and then sliding out once they’ve done their stupid gag. Also, we’ve come such a long way since “Bart the General.” Both episodes involved Grampa advising Bart about Nelson the bully. Old Grampa was full of piss and vinegar. New Grampa is a pussy (“You know what they say: all bullies are cowards. It’s not true! They’re brave ’cause they’re strong!”)
– We end on a Brokeback Mountain reference at the end where Bart hugs the jacket Nelson gave him, which just feels kind of weird given these are ten-year-olds. He’s really tenderly clutching that thing and stroking it… like what the fuck am I watching?