(originally March 21, 2004)
I don’t feel like sidestepping here, this is one of the worst fucking episodes of the series. We’ve seen plenty of Homer being a selfish asshole, but in this episode, not only does he do something completely irredeemable to his wife, she takes him back with absolutely no acknowledgement of it. But before I open that can of worms, let’s cover the terrible first act, where the show takes aim at Star Wars: Episode I. When did that movie come out? 1999, five years before this show aired. How topical! Also it’s not Star Wars, it’s “Cosmic Wars,” where everything is exactly like Star Wars, and just the names have been tweaked. Why bother? Remember when young Homer and Marge saw The Empire Strikes Back? Now they’d make it “The Lordship Fights Again” or some shit. We’ve already had SPRAWL-MART, this is just one small step toward Nintendo Zii and Mapple. Anyway, the show’s scathing criticism of the movie is that its over-reliant on special effects and Jar Jar is annoying, observations that certainly haven’t been made a thousand times over already. Bart and Lisa are incensed, and the family goes to California for them to complain to George Lu… I mean, Randall Curtis himself, because I guess they have the money to drop everything and go across the country on a dime. The kids break into Curtis’s office, where Lisa speaks as the writers in humorless criticism (“Better technology doesn’t mean better storytelling!”) In ten seconds, Curtis is a changed filmmaker, and that’s the end of him. But honestly, this show is in no position to criticize anyone for lack of quality. Episode I certainly has its problems, but I’d watch it over modern Simpsons any day of the week.

Anyway, the plot here, and I use that term loosely, is that Homer and Marge become drinking buddies, which strengthens their relationship somehow. But there’s an uncomfortable edge to it even at the start, where it feels like Homer is allowing Marge into his world almost begrudgingly, even though she should be the love of his life. Marge feels honored that Homer invites her to Moe’s, even though she should hate the place that her husband has wasted so many hours wallowing away in away from his family. After one too many hangovers, Marge suggests the two socialize without drinking, which Homer of course will have none of. He feigns ignorance and brings Marge to Oktoberfest, where the two of them get plastered. Homer crashes the car driving home, and not wanting to get another DUI and get his license taken away, he places a passed out Marge into the driver’s seat, framing her for the crime. Homer’s done a lot of shit, but I can honestly say this is the worst thing he’s ever done. Anyone who can pitch a more deplorable act, be my guest, but this is just monstrous.

Homer bails Marge out, thinking it will all be water under the bridge, but Marge is devastated at what she thought she did, and becomes something of a town laughing stock for her drunken escapades, even though I’m sure Homer gets into far worse at a more regular schedule. She checks herself into rehab, and Homer goes to visit her and confesses his horrible actions. Here’s what happens after that: Marge is completely livid and storms out, while Homer appears sad, then takes another swig out of his flask hidden in a Bible, because he’s a hopeless addict. Marge returns to her support group and they all get hammered. After a few drinks, she says that she doesn’t feel happy drinking, then concludes that it was Homer’s company she enjoyed all along. Then she reunites with Homer and urges him to cut down on drinking. He reluctantly accepts that he’ll cut out all clear liquids, but it’s really no agreement at all since we know he’ll be a raging drunk in future episodes. So no mention of Homer’s transgressions at all after that, Marge has just completely forgotten about it. Before the two leave, the rehab clerk speaks up (“I really don’t think you two should leave. He’s a chronic alcoholic, and you’re in complete denial.”) And you know what? He’s right. Homer’s completely wasted and Marge drags him out. It’s almost like an abusive relationship. Homer got his wife thrown in jail and continues to kill himself with booze and Marge takes him back every single time. What a sour, disheartening look at this couple I love. This episode starts out aggravating with the Star Wars stuff and just gets worse and worse into a completely explosive ending where I end up hating everyone and everything that’s happening. Homer has gotten away with a lot of awful things, but doing this hideously awful thing to the love of his life out of his own selfishness and completely getting away with it with absolutely no remorse? Fuck this guy.

Tidbits and Quotes
– All the Cosmic Wars stuff is just interminable, and it’s the entire first act. Why would they wait so late to do this shit? I’m sure it’s something they wrote around the time of Episode I and kept it lying around, then figured they could just dig it up and slap it on the front of the Homer/Marge drunk story.
– Jar Jar Binks is now called Jim Jam. Sigh. We saw Comic Book Guy with a Jar Jar figure in a past episode, so this don’t make no sense. All this name change stuff is so uninspired, it’s like out of a low rent MAD Magazine.
– Homer rubs me the wrong way right out of the box, hesistant about Marge joining his wine binge (“Who am I gonna complain about when I’m drinking?”) Why would he complain about Marge, the saintly woman who puts up with his crap all the time? There’s a lot of troubling things in Homer’s day-to-day, but one thing that always made him likable was his unwavering love toward his wife. Now she’s this buzzkill harpy that gives him a hard time. Bullshit.
– A latter-day Simpsons staple joke seems to be over-explanation, which we see several times this episode, from Moe (“Now, in a step I should have perhaps taken initially, let me look up the value of that bottle in this wine collector’s guide,”) and Chief Wiggum (“Maybe someone else is here, and maybe he’ll step forward and admit to being the real culprit!”) These lines don’t work because they feel completely unnatural. No one talks like this at all. Ever.
– Homer and Marge’s social drinking is not fun to watch. Seeing them completely blasted and stumbling about giggling and laughing, it’s not healthy behavior. It’s basically Marge aiding and abetting Homer’s rampant alcoholism.
– It’s amazing how Homer remains completely selfish throughout the entire third act (“I can’t believe I drove drunk.” “But you do believe it, right?”) even up until his final admission of guilt (“Marge, I did it out of love! Love of not being arrested!”) It’s baffling how the writers don’t seem to understand or bother to notice how completely unlikable this makes Homer. Most telling is during this last act, where you’d think Homer would be going through some emotional turmoil from what he did, but there’s a terminally extended sequence involving Homer mimicking hold music on the phone that goes on foreeeeeeever. His wife checked herself into rehab and is in complete despair all because of him, and we’re watching him belting out songs and giving phony hold messages like a fucking idiot. It’s a virtually unwatchable sequence in a virtually unwatchable show.

(originally aired March 14, 2004)
“Half-Decent Proposal” wasn’t exactly brilliant, but it brought back an old character in a interesting way and made a somewhat believable and entertaining show out of it. This one drags him back for a third outing, and is the complete opposite, making for a stupid, aimless episode void of any sense or emotional content. The first act exemplifies all of this, where Homer takes the kids to the movies, and impulsively buys tickets to a terrifying horror movie. He sits there with a mindless grin as Bart and Lisa are visibly scared, and continue to be clearly traumatized throughout the night. Marge acknowledges what Homer did, but doesn’t seem to care whatsoever, as the two are about to have sex before the kids burst in the room claiming they hear weird noises from the attic. Who’s up there? Artie Ziff, who’s somehow been living there for quite some time, sucking the moisture from the rafters. It’s not a very good sign when you’re repeating plot elements from a Treehouse of Horror episode, and even worse when they’re even more preposterous and unrealistic.

So whatever, Artie’s back, a victim of the dotcom bubble burst, choosing to live with the Simpsons since Marge is the closest thing Artie ever had to a true love. In Artie’s many years out on his own, of all the people he’s met and ingratiated himself with to become a CEO, there’s no one else he could have fallen back on? It’s a risk you run when you have characters show up again and again to make them somewhat make sense, but here it’s like Artie’s life revolves around the Simpsons for some reason. They agree to let Artie stay, or rather everyone but Marge agrees, and she just murmurs. Why would Marge allow this? Oh right, because she’s a continually bulldozed-over doormat who randomly puts up with her husband’s insane bullshit week in and week out. Making the episode about Marge feeling uncomfortable around Artie and Artie trying to convince her he’s not so bad may have been a bit interesting, but this episode is not concerned about that at all. It’s all bonehead Homer all the time, as he wins 98% of the shares of Artie’s company in a poker game, and ends up under fire from the SEC as the largest shareholder for ZiffCorp’s fraudulent business practices.

The only Marge/Artie stuff we get is when Marge accuses Artie for being self-centered, which seems like a fairly soft blow given that he’s manipulated Homer take the fall for him. Also she apparently waited until Homer’s sentencing before throwing Artie out of the house, which was nice of her. Meanwhile Homer has been such a complete imbecilic jerk this entire show that I don’t even feel bad that he’s in prison, lamenting that when he gets out, Bart will be too old for him to choke anymore. Salvation comes when Patty and Selma run into Artie and are bowled over to find he’s responsible for putting Homer away, leading to a vigorous fuck session between Selma and Artie. Then afterwards Artie turns himself in, having a change of heart for absolutely no reason. If he’s made this connection with Selma, why wouldn’t he just want to stay with her? We’ve seen he’s a bit of a dick, why not? Or he realizes how despondent Marge has become and decides to do the right thing for her sake. But Marge only exists for Artie to make inappropriate remarks to, and bears nothing coming close to a human emotion in this episode. None of the characters do. This episode is like a humorless sterile vacuum that sucks the life from everyone, and tragically, Jon Lovitz is the next one to fall. Not even him singing or all the “achem”s in the world can save this shit script.

Tidbits and Quotes
– Speaking of shit scripts, this one was written by Dan Castellaneta and wife Deb Lacusta, which is especially weird considering this is the most assholey we’ve seen Homer in a long while. You’d think the guy who voices Homer would have a better understanding of his character.
– We open with a static shot of the movie theater marquee, giving us ample time to read all of the terrible joke movie titles. Looking back to “Colonel Homer,” the same shot is done in half the time, along with an additional joke of Homer commenting, “Oooh, they all look good!” instead of just a music cue here. Sad, sad times.
– There seems to be this belief that the viewer hates to read, as we get multiple instances of written sight gags being read out loud, from the religious movie pamphlet to the Newsweek headline. Even after the long hold on the movie titles, Homer runs off a couple more of them to Raphael at the box office.
– There seems to be no real reason why Rod and Todd are at the movies. I guess it was just an excuse for the “What Would Jesus View?” bit, which admittedly isn’t bad.
– Homer is a flaming asshole during the movie (“Relax, stupid!”) Purposefully freaking out the Flanders kids for no reason, then ignoring the frightened pleas of his daughter. What a stand-up guy! In place of Marge being upset with Homer about all this, we have a joke instead (“You took little children to The Re-deadening? Homer, this is a rare lapse in judgement for you!”)
– Topical as ever, the writers pull off a Blair Witch parody a mere… six years after the movie came out. It’s material we’ve seen ripped on a thousand other places, and these guys have nothing new to add.
– I know I shouldn’t even bother asking, but they never explain exactly how Artie got into the attic, and no one even inquires about it. The second act opens with Marge asking, “Why are you living in our attic?” instead of “How the fuck did you get in our house? I’m calling the cops.”
– Having all of Lovitz’s other characters appear at Moe’s is kind of inspired, I guess. Just a little. I’d probably be more amused if I didn’t hate everything else in the episode so much.
– The only thing I like in this show is how underhanded and squirrely Artie is for letting Homer take the fall. He could have seen it as getting Homer out of the picture to pursue Marge, but eventually decided to do the right thing for the sake of the woman he loved. They kind of already did that in “Proposal” though, but it makes a hell of a lot more sense than this stupid ending.
– Krusty appears on the board of congressmen who ream out Homer, the only other time I can recall we see him in public office.
– Homer is in full fledged intolerable asshole mode this whole episode, but particularly in act three, from exasperating the Blue-Haired Lawyer (“You, sir, are a moron!” “A Mormon? But I’m from Earth!”) to thinking that Artie is Bart after being released from prison.
– The show ends with Artie squirting water on the cigarettes of all of his fellow inmates, but he didn’t seem to have much of an issue with Selma smoking, did he? Oh, who gives a shit. Clearly the writers don’t, so why should I?

(originally aired February 22, 2004)
Another episode that makes my mind hurt. When your core story is so ridiculous and illogical, it’s a shaky foundation, and then when you compound all the other absurd elements and failed attempts at jokes, it’s head-rattling how bothersome the entire ordeal is. The Simpsons stumble upon a highly selective pre-nursery school, and are convinced that they should try to get Maggie in. I get the gag about our culture wanting to entrap children in the education system at earlier and earlier ages, but Maggie is a year old. She’s a baby competing against toddlers, it doesn’t make a lot of sense from the start, and continues being bizarre as the show goes on. The screening process is held by Simon Cowell, or rather a character who looks and acts just like him, who is actually voiced by Cowell. This has happened a few times (Stephen Colbert comes to mind) where they have a celebrity basically play themselves, but they’re not actually themselves. Cowell berates one-year-old Maggie for not being able to speak, and claims she has absolutely no future. What an asshole. I thought it was bad when Declan Desmond viciously chastised Lisa, but this is a fucking baby, for God’s sake.

After an IQ test, Maggie is declared a genius, holding an even higher IQ than her sister by eight points. This completely devastates Lisa, believing since she’s no longer the smartest in the family, her life has no purpose. What? What possible threat does Maggie have to her? This doesn’t affect her or her schoolwork or her life in any way whatsoever. Lisa tries out a variety of new personas, but finds that none of them stick. Then in a fit of petty, stupid jealousy, she mis-teaches Maggie some flash cards, much to the shock of Marge and Homer, who come in full guns blazing to reprimand her for it. I’m so completely confused at this point, there’s no real story here since I don’t understand why Lisa is driving herself into such a fit about this. Is she so ridiculously insecure that she’s jealous of her infant sister? Apparently so, enough that she decides to run away and start a new life, eventually deciding on living in the natural history museum.

The climax consists of Homer, Marge and Bart being stuck in a gigantic model of the digestive system, that is fully functional and they’re in risk of being digested themselves. Lisa shows up at the nick of time to tell Maggie how to disable the machine, and she does. She’s grown to accept her sister and her gift, and vows to be helpful and nurturing. So there we go, conflict resolved right? Not quite. Cowell shows up to inform the Simpsons that there was foul play during the IQ test. Turns out Lisa was subconsciously giving Maggie all the answers with hand motions and body language. It makes no fucking sense whatsoever, but beyond the stupid explanation, why did they feel the need to end like this? First off, from the show’s beginning in “Bart the Genius,” we’ve seen that Maggie is of a higher intelligence, it’s a firmly established character trait that she’s a bright baby. Second, it completely undermines Lisa’s character growth, and I use that term incredibly fucking lightly given how dumb this episode was. And third, what difference does it make if Maggie’s a genius or not? Why slam the reset button for something so inconsequential? I was more confused by this episode more than anything, if someone would like to take a stab at analyzing it themselves, be my guest.

Tidbits and Quotes
– We kill a minute and a half at the start with a cartoonish bathroom battle between Homer and Bart, then Homer takes the family for pancakes. They stand outside the building, then look behind them to see the pre-nursery school and a big long line. It’s not even across the street, but in the same goddamn parking lot. How did they not notice that? There’s no transition at all, Homer literally tuns his head and there’s the school.
– Cowell just isn’t funny, especially when he’s hurling insults at a one-year-old. From this, Marge frets that Maggie has no future, which makes a little more sense since she’s a susceptible, worrywart mother. But it’s still dumb.
– Marge tries to absolve Lisa’s identity crisis by reminding her who she is, with a piece of paper labeled, “You are Lisa Simpson.” Lisa flatly remarks she already has that, gesturing to a frame of the paper and Mr. Bergstrom’s photo. More just pulling stuff from classic episodes; it’s almost insulting seeing it here in such a shit episode.
– Lisa apparently comes to school with a backpack full of outfits, trying out class clown, goth, cheerleader… whatever.
– The flashcard scene is absolutely painful. It’s so uncharacteristic to see Lisa try to deceive Maggie, but then Marge comes in immediately and yells at her for her misdeed, despite the fact she comes in from behind and would have no idea what’s going on. Homer piles on and calls her a disappointment through his Phonics Frog, causing Lisa to run off crying. It’s an absolutely bonkers sequence. But after that we get really the only good joke in the show, with Homer asleep clutching Phonics Fog, repeatedly holding down the ‘Z’ button.
– The police force is supposedly inept, but here they’re so completely unhelpful that you kind of don’t like them. Wiggum forces Marge to fill out a performance evaluation to start off their investigation (“‘Somewhat satisfied?’ I see. Well, maybe I’ll just somewhat find your daughter!”) Then when they get to the museum while the climax is happening, they’re just standing around fucking with optical illusions. I know they need to be kept out of it since Lisa and Maggie save the day, but you could immobilize or dissuade them in some other way. Instead, they seem to just not give a fuck.
– I like Lisa’s recycled pin dress. It’s a nice design. And as a concept, I like the gigantic digestive system body thing, I would love to see an actual version of that. Then again, this is some elaborate museum. Springfield is a shitty town, and one that’s not very cultured to boot, why would they blow money on this place?
– Homer’s “Free Beer!” signs alerting Lisa is missing is another poor lift from “Lisa’s Substitute” (“SEX! Now that I have your attention, vote for Bart!”)
– The ending is really just so insulting, one of the worst in the whole series. It’s a one-two punch of it making absolutely no sense and there being no reason to make Maggie not smart after going through the whole goddamn episode. Plus Cowell just shows up at the house, covered with some joke about Moe being a butler, who also appears out of nowhere. Seriously, this fucking ending… it’s insulting that they expect us to swallow this shit up.

(originally aired February 15, 2004)
As I’ve mentioned several times, Al Jean’s tenure as showrunner seemed to involve attempting to bring the show back to its roots, but failing in most regards. We see it in episodes like this, which attempts to contain an emotionally-driven story, but is done in such a way that feel so sterile. Here we see that Luann Van Houten is moving Milhouse to Capitol City, leaving Bart without a best friend. At the start of the episode, we see Milhouse acting rambunctious on a field trip, figuring he has nothing to lose since he’s leaving Springfield seemingly forever. Bart is understandably upset; even though their dynamic has always involved him exploiting and doling abuse unto Milhouse, the two are still genuinely friends. Everyone has lost a childhood friend during their lives, so this is completely relatable, but there’s just something about it that doesn’t pack the right punch. We see Bart watching old videos of the two horsing around and he starts crying, and it just feels way too cloying. I think back to “Homer Defined” and the shot of Milhouse alone on the see saw, which is both hilariously pathetic and legitimately sad at the same time.

Let me get this stupid B-story out of the way before I continue. After getting blasted at Moe’s, people view a disheveled Homer sitting on the sidewalk as a homeless man. With a new wad of cash and Marge’s anniversary coming up, Homer takes to panhandling, which consists of him annoying pedestrians and raving and screaming like a maniac, because apparently that’s in-character and funny to watch. An actual bum appears from nowhere and gives Homer tips of the trade for some reason, but he starts to get annoyed when Homer continues to panhandle after getting the money to buy Marge some nice earrings as his gift. As Homer is stealing all of their “business,” said bum somehow knows who Marge is, tracks her down and exposes her husband’s actions. She’s upset at first, but then decides she wants more shit and demand Homer get the money to get her a broach. End of plot. I don’t mind Marge breaking her normal moralistic character. It kind of reminded me of the end of “The Cartridge Family,” except that ending worked, and this doesn’t. Her understandable anger at her husband is completely dissolved by her random selfish inclinations, it just ends up feeling unsatisfying.

Both with no one to really confide in or hang out with, Bart and Lisa inexplicably end up becoming friends. Some of their interactions are kind of cute, but a lot of their scenes together just drag and are left joke-less. Just as their relationship continues to burgeon, Milhouse returns home, leaving Bart to ditch Lisa for him. Earlier we saw Milhouse had adapted a cool new persona to impress his new urban friends, but that was basically a one-off scene. It would have been cool if this episode was actually about Milhouse, attempting to be like Bart in a new town so he could be on top, then lamenting having to go back to his lame self when he gets back to Springfield. But whatever, instead we have the Bart and Lisa thing, which ends with the most saccharine sweet ending ever, where Bart writes Monopoly Chance cards for his sister of kindnesses he’ll do for her. It’s so overtly manipulative and sappy, and not funny at all. This show used to triumph at creating emotional moments that were heartwarming and hilarious at the same time, now we see the show can barely do either right. Another disposable show.

Tidbits and Quotes
– We start with an extended sequence of the kids laughing at Nelson being poor, who gets kicked off the bus in the middle of nowhere and imagining himself in a tux and tails, muses, “Someday…” I don’t like that this has become his go-to character trait. It’s just sad and not funny…
– Nuclear inspectors are coming to the plant, so Burns has to hide the less-competent employees, sending Homer, Lenny and Carl to Moe’s. I guess gone are the days of shutting Homer in the basement to guard a bee. Why would Burns pay for their drinks?
– Isabel Sanford voices herself at the Museum of Television and Radio… I mean, TV, which is useless enough, but then they bothered to get Dick Tufeld, William Daniels and Nick Bakay to voice the Lost in Space robot, KITT and Salem the cat respectively, all of which say like two words. Two words. Couldn’t Hank or Harry have done it? Ridiculous. Just more padding out the guest star count.
– Simple, but effective billboard gag (Diamonds: Because Money Equals Love).
– I may be alone, but I love the “Yeess!” guy. He’s unquestionably one-note, but I really like Dan Castellaneta’s performance. Here he sees a dirty, unkempt Homer walking to the register (“Oh no… oh noo… oh nooo!”) who then produces a fistful of dollars (“Oh yeessss!”)
– One of Milhouse’s Capitol City friends is like a little Eminem kid who raps… I dunno, is that like a joke? Whatever.
– Bart and Lisa horsing around washing the car is pretty cute, but the bits of them on bikes and discovering the Indian burial mound are basically joke-free.
– I was surprised when the episode ended, since it didn’t seem to resolve anything. Milhouse comes home, Lisa is dissatisfied, Bart does the schmaltziest thing ever and the two make up. It just felt very rushed, but no skin off my back, since I didn’t really care about the plot to begin with.

(originally aired February 8, 2004)
I really don’t care for these anthology episodes, I just don’t find it that interesting to see our characters playing roles within other famous stories. These episodes end up becoming all about the gags, and while there are a few here that work, it just further cements my boredom of this format. At a totally defunct library with book report due dates looming, Marge regales the kids with stories of the past, because apparently she’s a master historian. First is King Henry VIII, played by Homer, and his quest to father a rightful heir to the throne, otherwise known as a male. He invents the concept of divorce in order to jump from wife to wife to try to bear just the right fruit, ultimately coming up short. Now I could complain about the historical inaccuracies… but then I’d look like an asshole. Who gives a shit if it’s accurate or not? It’s close enough. The segment’s alright, but seeing Homer be a literal royal asshole to everyone is a bit disheartening to see. He’s in another role, but that’s basically his character nowadays anyway.

Next is Lisa as Sacajawea, who must assist explorers Lewis and Clark (Lenny and Carl) to the Pacific Northwest. It’s okay. These episodes really are so hard to write about because I don’t really have any feelings towards them. The last segment retells the story of Mozart, or rather retells the movie Amadeus, depicting the rivalry of Mozart (Bart) and Antonio Salieri (Lisa). Lisa points this out in the end, because it makes sense that an eight-year-old girl not only knows the movie, but the thorough history of classic composers. Maybe it makes a little sense, given her interest in music. The story is probably my favorite if I had to pick one, since Bart and Lisa easily fall into those roles, and it’s a fun dynamic to watch play out. Sort of. I dunno. I’ll pose the question again, does anyone really like these episodes? Not just like ‘they’re alright,’ but one you can point to say and say ‘that was a great episode.’ They’re just so innocuous to me, filler episodes in seasons where they seem to be scrambling to fill slots.

Tidbits and Quotes
– To be fair, the new selfish and assholeish Homer fits the role of Henry VIII pretty well. The one-two punch of him consulting marriage counseler Dr. Hibbert (“Your feelings are valid, but I’m afraid marriage takes a lot of hard work… and who needs that? I say trade in that lemon and get biz-zay!”) and the Lord Chancellor Ned Flanders (“I work for the Pope, and I think a celibate Italian weirdo knows a lot more about marriage than you.”) is pretty good, especially the ending with “canonizing” Flanders.
– Ghastly, disturbing gag with Homer proposing that Lisa “either grow a penis, or get lost.” Then she tries to. Horrible.
– Nice gag with Lenny and Carl passing right by the White House (“It’s been two years, so our brave explorers should be right about here… you morons!”)
– My favorite line comes from Rainier Wolfcastle, who fits right in at the Austrian Musik Awards (“What is it about music that enchants us? The notes.”)
– Nelson as Beethoven is another great fit. His laugh to the Fifth Symphony is a good joke.
– We close out with Homer singing the theme from Animal House, which makes as little sense as the Ghostbusters ending from “Tales From the Public Domain.”
– This might be my shortest review ever. Sorry guys, but I just got nothing on this one.