(originally aired November 21, 2004)
Next up on the roster of characters the show is intent on ruining is school bully Nelson. We’ve slowly seen glimmers of him being poor and his troubled family life, but this is where it really comes to a head, where Nelson is now a poor little urchin boy. The show wants to have it both ways and keep him a threat to Bart, but when you push him so far in this pathetically needy direction, any intimidation he might have had just dissolves. Following a particularly lame party she threw for Bart, and feeling distance from Lisa concerning a B-plot we’ll get into later, Marge feels unappreciated by her children. Enter Nelson, who we first see fishing for tadpoles in a pond to eat for lunch. Marge offers him a sandwich, which he hesitates to and quickly grabs like some kind of wounded animal. She begins to take a shine towards the boy, who seems to appreciate her kindness, and gets him to do chores around the house. Not long after that, Nelson’s mother leaves him home alone, so he’s given residence at the Simpson house, much to Bart’s chagrin.

We get a better sense of Nelson’s sad home life in this episode. We already know his father abandoned him at some point in the last few years, but here we get our first good look at his disheveled, uncaring mother. The joke here is that she’s a whore: she openly talks about who she’s slept with and wanting to take her top off, and her panties drop in public. And it’s funny because she’s a dancer, but she’s haggard and old. That’s all the thought that was put into her character. Everything in this show with Nelson is treated so deadly seriously, but last season we had an episode that began with him being poor and pathetic being a big gag. You’re either going to mock him for being destitute or make us feel sorry for him, you can’t do both. Or you could, if this show was written better. This series used to champion itself with having its cake and eating it too, garnering sympathy while getting laughs at the same time. Now you can literally hear the gears violently shift between a cloying and forced scene and a stupid gag.

As for the B-story, it’s another instance of writing the kids older as eight-year-old Lisa becomes conscious of her weight, and proceeds to over-exercise and not eat. It’s not really much of a plot, but rather just this thing that’s set up at the beginning and is left running in the background. At the very least they address in the end that this kind of story about female body issues can’t be resolved in twenty minutes, but ultimately it makes it feel like an exercise in futility since the story didn’t illuminate anything about the issue at all. Lisa gets teased, stresses about getting thinner, then snaps and goes wild over a giant cake. I guess going on insane diets can turn you into a maniac? Maybe, but it just doesn’t work. I’m sure at this point there are grade school girls who are worried about them being fat, which is horrifying to think about, but this story just doesn’t work for someone as young as Lisa. So nothing in the episode really works too well. I’m definitely more annoyed with this show than the last one for tearing Nelson down, but in the end, it’s just another whatever episode.

Tidbits and Quotes
– A gag where Homer illustrates “the Simpson butt” turns into a weird “how-to-draw” lesson where he sketches a perfect drawing of himself. Then he proceeds to talk to himself in a different high-pitched persona and eats a gigantic sandwich he pulls from nowhere. The man needs to be put in a clinic.
– Here we have the first of many instances where we see Skinner and Krabappel together again: they’re fucking, but Krabappel asserts it means nothing. And it doesn’t. The connection they had way back in “Grade School Confidential” was kind of sweet and endearing, but now Krabappel is an uncaring, miserable harlot and Skinner is a spineless wuss. The march of characterization goes on…
– A sick Milhouse appearing at the party via speaker phone, complete with a framed photo of him beside it, is an alright gag. The call quickly begins to break up (“I told him to use a LAN line!”) The rest of the party is just bizarre though, with Martin apparently being an expert artist (maybe he took lessons from Homer), and Ralph repeatedly saying “duck” in Duck, Duck, Goose, a gag the writers seemed to think was so funny they used it as the first act break, a joke that goes on far, far, faaaaaaaaaaaarrr too long.
– “Ha-ha! You’re nocturnal!” “You don’t have to impress me by making fun of others. I already like you.” “Ha-ha! I’m starting to let down my guard! Ha-ha!” I feel at some point with running gags you need to learn how to pack it in. “Ha-ha!” may be Nelson’s catchphrase, but it just feels so overdone at this point. In the classic years we had him calling Bart on the phone to laugh at him, and greater than that, we saw him have an out-of-body experience so he could appear in someone’s thoughts to laugh at their misery. That’s really pushing it to a wonderfully ridiculous place, and that was a decade ago.
– This is the last episode directed by Lauren MacMullen, and she brings her usual visual flairs: panning across the Bowlarama logo to fade into a ball going down the lanes, an upshot over the frying pan of pancakes… visual flairs like these are much appreciated in such a boring episode.
– “I get the feeling Bart isn’t everything he could be in the son department.” That’s a quote from Nelson. What kid, let alone Nelson, talks like that?
– Given the episode title, the idea of Bart’s home life being made miserable after Nelson moves in isn’t really explored at all. We see he finds his father in the end because he wants to get rid of him, but we really don’t get much of why. It also hurts that Nelson’s been such a sad, pathetic character up to that point, that it’s jarring when he flips back into bully-mode. And then he flips back when he starts singing fucking Yentl. I had to fast-forward that part, I just couldn’t take it.
– The sequence showing where Mr. Muntz had been all this time is so insulting and crazy… I barely even want to describe it. He’s at the Kwik-E-Mart and eats a candy bar, which he claims he didn’t know had peanuts in it, even though we see it’s a “Nut-Nutt” bar. His entire face puffs up, muffling his speech into incoherent garbles, and he runs into a traveling circus outside. Cut to him in a burlap sack as the star circus attraction. So what, was he stuck at the circus for years as a prisoner? I guess they try to explain how he stayed in his sickly state by the audience chucking peanuts at him, but the swelling never went down even at night to the point he could talk and possibly escape? And people were chucking peanuts at him at every single show, every single day of the year? Maybe the barker told them to, like it was part of the act. In that case, maybe he knew that the peanuts would aggravate his condition and he did it on purpose. Where is this evil barker and how can he get away with this? Are there other members of his freak show that he’s kidnapped and forced to work for him? What the fuck is happening? Oh, who gives a shit…

(originally aired November 14, 2004)
Poor, poor Marge. Why is it so hard to write episodes for you? Wacky antics and boyish pranks from Homer and Bart must be easier to come up with than a story involving the emotional and mindful Simpson women. I love Marge and I feel there’s so much you could explore with her character, but I don’t have much hope with a bland and boring episode like this that they’ll ever give this woman her due. Homer and Marge attend the open house next door (I guess the Powers are officially gone for good now), where Marge is enraptured by their lavish, modern kitchen. Hearing his wife’s concerns regarding their own crap shack, Homer gets to work remodeling their kitchen, just so we can have some wacky physical comedy of him getting electrocuted and mindlessly smashing through walls with a sledgehammer. Eventually Marge hires a professional, and the result is an absolutely gorgeous, high-end kitchen, one that we will never, ever see again ever. It doesn’t even look like it belongs in the Simpson house, it’s so large that it seems like it would take up two-thirds of their bottom floor. Couldn’t they have just used the regular kitchen as a base model and just made it more flashy and nicer? Plus it has a $100,000 price tag, which I guess Homer can afford and Marge was a-OK with spending. All these small bits just eat away at me. This show used to champion itself in its attention to detail, now it’s just whatever we need, throw it in.

The new kitchen fires up Marge’s cooking mojo, enough so for her to enter into a big bake-off competition. However, she finds her fellow contestants are not so cordial, and they proceed to sabotage her dish during the contest. It’s all very random and strange how everyone immediately pounces on Marge specifically and flat-out ruins her entry with no consideration or repercussion. Discouraged but incensed, Marge sets out her revenge by dousing the other entries with baby ear medicine, cinching herself and Brandine (whose entry she thought was garbage) as finalists. However, Lisa witnessed her mother’s misdeeds and confronts her about it, in the most melodramatic and heavy-handed manner possible. Think back to “Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment” where she had a similar disillusionment to a parent: her childlike demeanor and innocent, but incredibly mindful questioning of her father’s actions were believable, and enough to eat away at Homer until he relented in the end. Here, Lisa completely vilifies her mother and corners her in a harshly direct fashion. No longer a child, now just an insanely moralistic rabble-rouser.

At the finals, Marge sets out to cheat once more, even though it’s done before a live audience and surely she could whip up something better than whatever literal gutter trash Brandine is making, but she ultimately admits to her misdeeds and wins Lisa back. Yawn. There’s a B-story here too, one that I’m having some trouble understanding. Marge uncovers Homer’s old Playdude magazines, and calls her husband’s bluff that he only kept them for the articles and cuts out all of the centerfolds. Bart and Milhouse uncover the edited nudie magazines, and decide they want to adopt the Playdude lifestyle, acting like suave bachelors from the 60s, wearing cushy robes and listening to smooth jazz. It’s that weird thing where they write Bart (and Lisa) so adult in recent years, it feels like whiplash slamming him back into a kid-like mindset, talking ignorantly about orgies and “getting some” without having any concept of sex. I really don’t know what to make of it, and I’m thinking that the writers probably didn’t either, just figuring that Bart talking about Norman Mailer and James Caan randomly appearing was funny. Another lousy, but ultimately innocuous episode to throw on the pile. And this was their premiere? Wow-wee.

Tidbits and Quotes
– “Blacula Meets Black Dracula” isn’t bad. “You mean a honky rink!” and their little strut is pretty great, but I still prefer “The Blunchblack of Blotre Blame.”
– The Playdude Cover “The Girls of Kent State: Four Nude in Ohio” is wonderfully tasteless.
– Homer flips around from being brain dead and an asshole this show: plastering the kitchen ceiling two feet above the ground, then chucking items and screaming at the contractor Marge ends up hiring.
– Thomas Pynchon is at the church pot luck for some reason, spouting a bunch of joke references to things I don’t know about. I guess they had some extra time after they recorded him for “Diatribe of a Mad Housewife” and scribbled down a part for him in this show real fast.
– Flanders encourages Marge to enter the bake-off (“Up against you, I wouldn’t have a Hindu’s chance in heaven!”) Odd of him to say with Apu a short distance away. Plus I guess Apu hates his family and wants to ditch them now.
– Walking into the bake-off, competitors have nameplates, but some just read “Lunchlady Doris” and “Jasper” for some reason. Also Ruth Powers is there. Maybe she moved to another house in town or something.
– James Caan is just there in Bart’s treehouse. No explanation, just there. In “$pringfield,” not only did Bart opening his own casino tie into the main story and make sense for a kid to do, we got a great bit of how he got Robert Goulet to perform there (“Hi. You from the casino?” “I’m from a casino.” “Good enough, let’s go.”) Here, it’s just “We’re The Simpsons. We can get celebrities. Here’s a celebrity.”
– Marge prides herself for feeding her family on twelve dollars a week. Meanwhile she just let her husband spend a hundred grand on a new kitchen. The family can either be rich or they can be poor, but you’ve got to choose one, guys.
– The dream sequence of Homer meeting all the food mascots is pretty good (“Blood for cream!”) but it could’ve been shortened a bit. I also hate Homer calling out the mascots (“The Koobler Dwarves! Snip, Crinkle and Poof!”) It’s just like the real ones, but tweaked a bit! No different than Sprawl-Mart or Mapple.
– Lisa’s card is so pathetically saccharine. One scene she’s scornful and passive-aggressive like an adult, and now she’s been reduced to a child’s level again.
– We end with James Caan getting horribly killed in a similar fashion as his character from The Godfather. It’s just the toll booth scene redone note for note, so it’s not exactly a parody at all. Remember “Mr. Plow” when they actually did a parody of that scene involving Bart getting pelted with snowballs instead of bullets? It’s funny there because Bart is reacting as if he was getting shot. Even something like Marge beating up the mugger in “Strong Arms of the Ma” is better than this, it’s just as much of a non-parody, but at least it works as a payoff to our main story. Here, it’s just this random bizarre tag where we kill off our guest star. Very strange. And not funny.

(originally aired November 7, 2004)
I’m thinking my enjoyment of last season’s Halloween special was an anomaly, since now we’re back to them being bland and mildly irritating. In “The Ned Zone,” a freak accident causes Flanders to foresee people’s deaths by touching them. Y’know, just like that movie, The Dead Zone! Except it’s “The Ned Zone” because it’s about Flanders! I feel like sometimes they just choose the parody title then make it work afterwards, since there’s really no point in specifically giving Flanders this ability. Homer manages to squeeze his jerkass behavior into Halloween shows now, as he’s the one who gives Ned a concussion, then is basically responsible for Dr. Hibbert’s death, all to get back his stupid Frisbee. When Ned witnesses a future of him shooting Homer dead, he is about to leave town when Homer throws a gun in his hand and incessantly taunts him to shoot him. He is so unbelievably annoying and aggravating in this scene that you really do want Ned to shoot him. When he destroys the gun, Ned then sees that Homer will cause an explosion at the plant, killing everyone in town, just like in the source material. Even in their most extensive parodies like “The Shinning” and “Nightmare on Evergreen Terrace,” it seemed the series always had a unique spin on things. Here it’s just going through the motions. Everyone ends up dying, and Homer is rewarded for his intolerable buffoonery as God gives him back his Frisbee. Wonderful.

“Four Beheadings and a Funeral” brings us back to 19th century London, as Lisa and Bart step in for Sherlock Holmes and Watson as they try to track down the elusive Muttonchop Murderer, who’s been offing streetwalkers with the mystical Seven Swords of Osiris. British accents are attempted for the Simpsons, and some work (Dan Castellaneta), while some don’t (Julie Kavner), but for some reason no one else has an accent. Seeing what all the characters are up to in this new reality is kind of interesting: Comic Book Guy runs an exotic antiquities shop, Moe’s is now an opium den, and Apu is a local merchant, whose pigmentation makes him automatically suspicious (“Lock ’em up until we find someone darker, boys!”) The end twist of Wiggum being the killer for the most childish of reasons is pretty good, until they extend it with Kang and Kodos, and having it all be Ralph’s dream. But whatever, I guess if I had to pick, this segment is probably the best. It’s self contained in a fantasy, a few of the jokes work, and best of all, we don’t see a lot of Homer and he’s not an asshole.

“In the Belly of the Boss” is a parody of the famous scary movie Fantastic Voyage. Maggie ends up shrunk down and ingested by Mr. Burns, and it’s up to the rest of the Simpson family to save her in Professor Frink’s miniature vessel. Homer’s a dickhead in this one too, loudly ignoring Frink’s instructions and delaying their mission to save his infant daughter. When they finally do get Maggie, the ship becomes to heavy to pilot back, so someone must stay behind. The baby can’t weigh that much, there’s nothing else on that ship they can leave behind? But whatever, after suggesting one of his kids sacrifice themselves, Homer begrudgingly stays behind, and ultimately ends up regrowing to normal size within Mr. Burns’s body. This is the only thing in this segment, and really in this whole episode, that I really like. Seeing Homer grow and stretch out Burns’s flesh is wonderfully disturbing, as is him going out to dinner and the final dance number. It’s sort of reminiscent of the family going inside-out and dancing to “One” in “Treehouse of Horror V.” But I feel that’s giving this show way too much credit. Nothing in this episode is really too awful, it’s just kind of… blah. And if there’s any show that shouldn’t be ‘blah,’ it’s the Halloween show.

Tidbits and Quotes
– I like the cheesy sitcom opening with Kang and Kodos (“A fine meal like that deserves a hyper-galactic promotion.” “Hyper-galactic?!”) and the use of the Perfect Strangers theme song.
– The writers really like that Frisbee bit, carrying it through the entire segment. I hope they were amused, because I’m not.
– Hibbert saying “Welcome back, dawg” to Ned really bothers me. It’s like when they had him, Carl, Lou and Tatum drive in the same car so Homer could do the black power salute, or when Tatum punched him and said black-on-black violence must end… it’s like Hibbert being black is now a “thing,” whereas before it didn’t matter what skin color he had.
– The Rosie O’Donnell musical gag is so labored and obvious. My brain groaned loudly the second I saw that marquee.
– If Homer pestering Ned to shoot him wasn’t enough, we have Bart and Lisa talking about how everyone in town wants to shoot their father, and Lisa giving her approval for it. I know at this point Homer is no longer just an ordinary citizen like he used to be, but it just bothers me that we’re at the point where everyone in town hates Homer and wants him dead. Yeah, this is a Halloween show, but it’s no different than in “The Great Louse Detective” when everyone was attacking the Homer effigy, including Homer himself. Ugh.
– “I did it! I changed the future!” “What have I done? I’ve changed the future for the worst!” Thanks for narrating, Ned, I’d be lost unless someone explained everything for me.
– At least the episode gets its tired British jabs out of the way quickly with the Scotland Yard motto sign and Marge’s dialogue.
– Homer throwing skinny, scraggly addicts to slow down Bart and Lisa is a pretty good gag (“Opium ruuuuules!”)
– I like Wiggum’s last words as his escape balloon pops (“Remember me for my police work and not the murders!”)
– Nice R. Crumb-inspired drawing of the “retro-virus” (“Seriously though, touch one and you’re dead.”)
– Normally I’m all for gratuitous nudity, but the jokes with Marge and her swimsuit… ehh.

(originally aired May 23, 2004)
Ho-hum, a rather boring Burns episode to close out our season, with plenty of ridiculous and stupid moments peppered in, along with the continued watered down characterization of the twisted, heartless billionaire. The first part of the episode is pretty indicative of the spastic nature of this show. Everyone in town has gathered to the natural land formation known as Geezer Rock, as it is to be decreed a national landmark. Lisa notices that there’s a tree growing out of its “eye,” which might eventually grow to damage the monument. So what happens? Homer climbs up the goddamn thing, yanks it out, and wouldn’t you know it, the whole thing crumbles. Let’s put aside the fact that Homer would actually give a shit enough to do this, or even have the energy to. He’s right behind the stage where there’s a big crowd to honor the rock he’s currently climbing. You’re telling me that nobody saw him and thought to say anything? Then he basically destroys the landmark, which I’m sure would have been a boon for Springfield and created tourist revenue. Any repercussions? Nope. No one mentions Homer’s actions whatsoever, and the whole Geezer Rock thing is ultimately forgotten. During the Simpsons drive home, the gear shift of the plot couldn’t be more sudden.

I’m not entirely sure how, but Mr. Burns gets crushed by the falling rubble from Geezer Rock. He manages to survive because he’s a cartoon character now, slithering through gaps in the rocks like a snake, eating bugs and suckling on mole teats. He turns on the news hoping to hear a heartfelt eulogy for him, but finds the exact opposite. He muses, “I don’t have a friend in the world.” So this is like “Monty Can’t Buy Me Love” again. Why does Burns give a shit what anyone thinks, especially lower-class commoners, which would be pretty much everybody below his income bracket? To counteract this, he sets out to buy every media outlet in town, a plot point he reiterates before and after he does it, just in case you weren’t paying attention. Now, like a lot of premises these days, part of me feels this could have worked, but with a different angle. Make it like “Two Cars in Every Garage and Three Eyes on Every Fish,” where Burns commands a media conglomerate in order to assert and promote nuclear power as being safe and efficient. They touch on this a bit with the pro-nuclear Itchy & Scratchy cartoon, but like most latter-day routines, it goes too long and goes too far to get the simple joke across.

Meanwhile Lisa has started her own newspaper, and it’s pretty much as boring as it sounds. And for some reason she has Ralph on as a feature columnist. Soon she’s in Burns’s sights, as her paper is the only piece of media he doesn’t have his bony claws on. Lisa can’t be bought, so Burns must resort to more drastic measures… for some reason. Good God, this is boring. He gets dirt on Lisa from an unwitting Homer, which eventually becomes her undoing, making her alleged romance with Milhouse front page news, and as a projection of the two fired onto the moon. Instead of this silliness, why doesn’t Burns threaten to fire Homer unless he gets his daughter to stop? With no source of income, the Simpson family will wither and die, right? Instead, Lisa gives up, prompting Homer to write an op-ed piece of his own, which admittedly is a touching bit (“All my daughter even did was to tell people to think for themselves. I may be her father, but when I grow up, I want to be just like her.”) Then everyone starts their own papers and Burns randomly decides to give up his conglomerate. I don’t even have much to say on this one, really, it’s about as innocuous an episode if I’ve ever seen one. Perfect for a show-stopping season finale. Should have switched this one with “Bart-Mangled Banner,” it would have been a great F-U to the fans.

Tidbits and Quotes
– “Carved by centuries of wind and rain, Geezer Rock will soon be more than a place for teens to have sex and commit suicide.” I just talked in the comments about the differences of this show dealing with crass topics opposed to a show like South Park, and this is a perfect example. We see the Pimply Faced Teen about to kill himself for a stupid reason (“Why did they cancel Futurama?”) and then he lands on another kid in a car, presumably crushing and killing him. Then his girlfriend proceeds to make out with him. What exactly is the point of this? What is going on? I haven’t a clue, and arguably neither does this show.
– We see Geezer Rock is faaaaaar into the distance from the stage where everyone is standing by. Then when it starts to collapse, all of a sudden it’s directly underneath them, leaving them in danger. And then Burns is apparently standing directly underneath it, since the rocks rain over him from straight above. Related note, but did no one realize Burns got crushed until later? There’s no mention of the Simpsons about Burns’s apparent death, except for one stupid bit where Homer, Lenny and Carl were going to dance on his grave.
– My God, I hate the scene with Burns surviving under the rubble. I fucking hate it. It’s got to be one of the worst scenes of the entire series. And even worse, the act break is Burns suckling on a mole’s teat. It’s like the show actively is coming up with new ways to sink lower and lower.
– Lisa ponders the possibility of printing a second issue of her paper. Bart comes in with an unusually stilted line reading from Nancy Cartwright (“You better! I’ve already sold a bunch of subscriptions. How do you think I got these swell prizes?”) We then pan over a collection of pricey swag ranging from bikes, canoes and telescopes, complete with a harp sound. So, what is this gag? Is it like when kids sell magazine subscriptions to adults to support a cause or whatever? Within a day not only did Bart sell a bunch of subscriptions, but apparently enough to get him a whole mess of prizes? I shouldn’t be thinking this fucking hard about a simple joke, why can’t you just be funny, guys?
– The Itchy & Scratchy cartoon is alright. As I mentioned earlier, it would be a lot better if Burns pushing nuclear power was the plot. Bald eagle Burns coming in as an insert at the very end is a fine way to close it, but they just have to keep compounding the jokes (“Don’t end up like me! Vote Republican!” “God bless America! This cartoon was made in Korea.”) Don’t try to bite off more than you can chew, guys.
– Burns makes it his mission to crush this eight-year-old girl, having hired goons try to ram the Simpson car off the road, so they’re seemingly aim to kill, or at least seriously maim. Smithers can just be bothered enough to meekly suggest Burns try a non-violent approach. At this point, Smithers isn’t really a character anymore, he’s just someone to stand next to Burns and give him someone to assist in his evil schemes. And of course to be gaaaaaaaaaaayyyyy.
– Skinner has another Vietnam flashback, this time we get a helpful time card (Vietnam – 1968) just in case we were confused. Here’s the scene: Skinner is using a mimeograph, then is taken hostage by enemy soldiers, then we see he was printing a “for sale” sign for a chair. …what’s the gag?
– Burns being unimaginably weak has always been one of his classic traits, but how the show deals with it then and now are completely different. Here, Burns can’t even squash an ant. He wears himself out and collapses, telling the insect to take his money and leave him alone. He’s made to be a sad, pathetic character there. Contrast with an earlier episode where he struggles to crush a paper cup. He finally manages to do so, and is oh-so satisfied at his abilities. That confidence keeps Burns a strong-willed character even when showing his physical frailness.
– How dare they use the wonderful montage music from “Last Exit to Springfield” over the shopping photos at the very end. And surprise surprise, it’s completely misused. It was funny then because it came right after Burns callously mentioning that he and Smithers could easily run the plant themselves, so the wistful, happy music is representative of how much of a cinch Burns thinks the job is, at least until his robot workers rebel against him. Here, it’s just Burns have a grand old time shopping. It’s not happy-time music, it’s more than that. Also Burns is shopping at a regular mall, eating burgers at a food court? What?

Season 15 Final Thoughts
Yeah. Honestly, there’s not much more I can say about this season than I already did about the last one. It’s the same corral of shit stories, shit characterization and shit jokes with the extremely rare bit of actual humor and cleverness buried within. Characters I used to love are now getting on my nerves, or have become depressingly pathetic, parodies have now become uninspired references, and stories remain disjointed and aimless as ever.  Since the start of the Al Jean era, the show is now trapped in a limbo of awfulness, neither rising or falling in quality. Prove me wrong, later seasons, but I’m assuming season 16 will be no different, and if that’s the case, I’ll just post a link to this post in my final thoughts just to prove my point.

The Best
“Treehouse of Horror XIV,” “I, D’oh-bot.” Of twenty-two episodes, I can honestly say I only enjoyed two of them. Not so good news.

The Worst
“The Regina Monologues,” “Smart and Smarter,” “Co-Dependent’s Day,” “My Big Fat Geek Wedding,” “Catch ‘Em If You Can”

(originally aired May 16, 2004)
People hate this episode. They hate it. Even at the eternally apologetic No Homers they ripped this show apart, and certainly for good reason. Its absurdity and unrealistic shenanigans are through the stratosphere, it’s a rather piss poor satire on the then-jingoistic American landscape, and none of the elements and scenes of the episode fit together or work on their own at all. It’s a flaming hot mess… but I don’t hate it. Episodes like “My Big Fat Geek Wedding” and “Co-Dependent’s Day” want you to think they have an emotional center, but ultimately betray and tarnish our beloved characters in an insulting, denigrating way. This episode is absolutely bonkers from beginning to end; right from the start, there’s no mistaking this is going to be a ride far removed from reality. The Simpson kids go in for shots, but Bart remains elusive, leading to a montage of Dr. Hibbert stalking him with needles at the ready at the school, piloting a plane a la North by Northwest, and at a carnival. No punches are being pulled here to trick you into thinking this might all make sense, it’s complete insanity straight away.

Bart’s inoculation ends up rendering him temporarily deaf, right before the school’s donkey basketball game, which I guess is a thing. Does anyone know about this, or better yet, have been to one? Anyway, Bart teases a donkey and ends up having his shorts ripped off, just as an American flag is being unfurled behind him, resulting in a photo that appears to depict him mooning Old Glory. I don’t entirely understand why they needed Bart to be deaf for this inopportune situation, as he just kind of stands there slightly crouched over as Martin takes a picture. Said photo is reprinted and aggrandized in the paper, and the Simpson family become town pariahs. To clear their names, they appear on an aggressive FOX News-type show which only serves to make things worse. This scene is the only inspired part of the episode, as the host is written perfectly (“Coming up after this commercial, I will be talking even louder! Don’t miss it!!“) Springfield does damage control and the town gets an ultra American makeover, but the Simpsons are arrested by the government for their “crimes” and sent to Alcatraz for American re-education. They escape, go off to France, then return to America as new citizens.

The episode just gets crazier and crazier as it goes, that’s why I can’t get mad at this show, it’s like some kind of mad drug trip. The first two acts don’t make much sense, where the uber-patriotic Springfield completely whitewashes the town’s complete hatred for the Simpsons. Then we get to act three and everything goes ape shit. I get what they were going for here with satirizing the Patriot Act (the Government Knows Best Act line is pretty good), but the government interning children for months on end with fellow prisoners Bill Clinton and Elmo is just far too absurd. It’s a conceit that feels more out of South Park than this show. By the time we get to the end with the family dining inside the Eiffel Tower, then coming to Ellis Island by boat dressed as old-timey immigrants, I’m completely beside myself. It’s like this show is just so far gone, it’s essentially bullet proof. What can I take issue with here? That it makes no sense? Of course it doesn’t, the entire episode is completely bananas. It’s all so insane that a part of me perversely admires it. It’s by no means good, but I definitely wasn’t offended like I was with other episodes this season. I’ll definitely say it’s the fucking craziest episode of the entire series that I can think of. Anyone else have one nuttier, feel free to mention it.

Tidbits and Quotes
– The dramatic locking of the car doors, as well as the air conditioner flaps, was a nice quick gag.
– I broke pretty quickly into this one, as no more than three minutes in we get the crazy Hibbert montage, which ends with him tricking Bart by having Barney dress up like him in an incredibly realistic costume and facial prosthetic, then he magically emerges from behind a tree with a gigantic grin on his face brandishing a needle. I just had to laugh, it’s so insane.
– Not only are Patty and Selma in the crowd booing Bart, but so is Jacqueline Bouvier. So much for a grandmother’s love.
– I kind of liked the bit with Homer on the phone (“Appear on your TV show? Tell our side of the story? You’ll see us there? Goodbye? Dial tone?”)
– In the green room at the talk show, Homer gives some crazy advice to Bart (“To stay out of trouble, just say nothing. Don’t rock the boat. Don’t even get in the boat. Just buy some ice cream and walk around the pier. But don’t go into the bathrooms, they’re filthy.”) Then later Marge cites the “don’t rock the boat” part as actual advice Homer gave that they could have heeded to avoid getting thrown in jail. What?
– The Libertyville bits are kind of amusing, with the red, white and blue traffic lights and Apu blatantly referring to the current witch hunt.
– Good thing everyone’s cells are labeled with prisoner’s names, otherwise I wouldn’t be able to recognize obscure faces like Michael Moore or Elmo.
– The insane prisoner that helps the Simpsons escape is basically that Cookie guy from “Dude, Where’s My Ranch?” If any character deserved a second appearance, it definitely… is not him. Also he died in that episode, didn’t he? Oh, who cares.