(originally aired November 16, 2003)
This show has had its fair share of memorable tunes, but only one episode I could definitely call a musical, “Simpsoncalifragilisticexpiala-D’oh!-cious.” That feels like the most obvious comparison to this episode, as they’re both parodies of specific musicals, with their stories and general melodies lifted and modified. The great difference here is contextual adaption. This episode tries to tackle Evita, with Lisa subbing for Eva Peron and their rises and falls from positions of power. Now, I have not seen Evita, but I know the broad strokes of the story, that she was a spiritual leader in Argentina, beloved by the people, but scorned by those in government for coming from the lower classes. Lisa, meanwhile, is a social outcast with little to no friends, so what people are going to adore her? She wins the election for student body president via musical number, then in the next scene, Skinner worries about how all the students will follow her every word. What? No one has ever given two shits about Lisa in that school, now all of a sudden she’s their savior. It just doesn’t gel well.

Anyway, Skinner is pissed because he’s got an evil scheme brewed up that he feels Lisa will interfere with, so the entire faculty commiserates to distract Lisa with exclusive privileges like all-access to the study hall in lieu of pushing any policies. Ultimately, she ends up signing and approving the removal of gym, music and art classes from the school without even realizing it, and when news of this gets out, she’s cut down a peg by her people. The entire faculty, the little of it we have at this school, from Lunchlady Doris to Otto, all help transform Lisa and assist Skinner. But why do these characters care? We’ve seen the entire faculty is as eager for the bell to ring as the students, they don’t want to be there at all. Without those extracurriculars, maybe it means they can get bigger paychecks? It’s just so sporadic. Krabappel is thrilled to get Nelson’s answer key to the real estate license exam (“My ticket to freedom!”) then later she’s helping Skinner with his plot. Also, there was no need for Lisa to sign the agreement, it was all just to discredit her in the eyes of the student body. But what a backhanded and horrible thing for Skinner and the others to do, to vilify their top student, an innocent little eight-year-old, who barely has any friends to begin with? It really casts a dark shadow over Skinner, a character who has never been completely unfavorable before.

Outraged at her betrayal, Lisa calls for a student strike, one that escalates until the move is made by Chalmers to transfer her to another school, forcing her to leave her people behind. She’s supposedly devastated, but walks off the bus with a smile at Springfield Magnet School, an intellectual institution where she would thrive. But then Homer drives up and says she can’t go, as he doesn’t feel like taking the forty-five minute trip to get there. It’s as abrupt as an ending as you can fucking get, and the Evita parody just screeches to a halt. Protesting her father’s hasty arrival, Lisa cries out, “But this is my dream!” So Lisa never cared about her fellow students, she just wanted to go to a better school. That’s why this episode doesn’t work, because the parody doesn’t fit. “D’oh-cious” involved a Mary Poppins type coming in to make the Simpsons model citizens, and failing. There’s no bit of Homer being Dick Van Dyke and learning to be a better father, since that doesn’t fit the story being told. In the end, they acknowledge status quo is God, and they’re happy just as things are. In this episode, they crammed in the Evita stuff even though it didn’t fit the characters. Lisa is never popular and Skinner is not a pure-blood antagonist. It just doesn’t work.

Tidbits and Quotes
– It’s casino night at Springfield Elementary, which means another gag about Marge’s gambling addiction. I hate when they do this. In “$pringfield,” the fact that Marge becomes an addict is not presented as funny, it’s everything around it that is. It was treated with a real severity, an uncomfortable issue with an open-ended non-solution. Now it’s just treated as a goof, where Marge going crazy on betting and splashing a drink in Ralph’s face is presented as comedy, instead of just being horrifying.
– Homer’s repeated “D’oh”s as the wheel spins is rather annoying. In fact, this whole episode he’s basically a humungous moron, prancing around the house with a tutu, making the faces on two sets of stamps “make out,” musing about never having married a businessman… the Scully seasons had Jerkass Homer, now we have Braindead Homer.
– I could be wrong, but I think this is the first time we’ve seen Lunchlady Doris since her last appearance after Doris Grau’s death. Thankfully, they kept her silent, until a few seasons later she’d randomly appear with Tress MacNeille attempting to mimic Grau’s voice. Aside the fact that it’s kind of disrespectful to break her silence, I just think of how completely unnecessary it was. How difficult is it to design a new cafeteria worker? It’s not like she’s a major character, make a new disgruntled employee and be done with it. Instead they stepped all over poor, poor Doris. But that’s not this episode.
– I like the Lisa vs. Nelson conceit, that it’s all just a big popularity contest, because that’s exactly how school elections are. And to some extent, general elections. Zing!
– Superintendent Chalmers appears to reside at the school now. He’s always there, glued to Skinner’s side. Doesn’t he have other schools to attend to? Also they’re really abusing the “Skinner!!” gag at this point.
– Skinner tricks Lisa into signing the orders, but then she quickly returns, wanting to read what she signed. Skinner shuts the door on her. Lisa returns again to complain, then Skinner shuts and locks the door. Lisa opens the door with the skeleton key he gave her and he groans. Scene over. So, wouldn’t Lisa have gotten to read the form and be outraged at that point? At least end your scene properly, guys.
– Why in the holy mother of fuck does Bart care about gym, music and art being cut from the school? And how does he know that Skinner is using Lisa? He’s been absent almost this entire episode, then he just kind of shows up and gets a few lines in some songs.
– Willie ripping the art room off the school building is as bad as Homer stealing Flanders’s guest room, but at least he’s hauling it off on a tracker here. With the kiln still running.
– The kids inexplicably have signs made at the protest that just started, Homer and Marge randomly appear at the school, the police show up on the drop of a dime ready to beat children, Michael Moore appears for a worthless cameo… the only thing in the third act I like is the title of Kent Brockman’s news segment, “Alphabet Coup.” But the rest sucks. But at least it matches the rest of the episode.

(originally aired November 9, 2003)
It’s undeniable that “Mother Simpson” is one of the most touching episodes of the entire series. To me, it’s only second to “Lisa’s Wedding.” The question of what happened to Homer’s mother had really been untouched prior to that, and that episode illuminated her character, her backstory, and her heartbreaking relationship with her son. So now eight years later, we have a followup with the return of Mona Simpson, an opportunity to tell another story and showcase a different side to her character. Or, we’ll just repeat the same beats as the first time. Things start on thin ice immediately with how Mona is reintroduced: desperately searching for a newspaper headline gaffe to win a T-shirt, Homer discovers a hidden message from Mona in an article by highlighting the first letter in each column, with the note telling him to meet under a local overpass at midnight. This plan is absolutely asinine, as the chances of Homer getting the paper, reading the article and decoding this bizarre puzzle are essentially slim to none. Apparently Mona had her friends at the “liberal media” (groan) pick an article about food to catch Homer’s eye, but I guess she also didn’t figure that her son is a complete dunce who could never figure this out unless by plot convenience.

Mona is still on the lam for her attacks on Mr. Burns’s germ warfare plant decades ago, and it isn’t long before she’s caught and finally stands trial. The jury is touched by a blubbering testimony from Homer, and Mona is found not guilty, free to live and catch up with her family. The middle act serves as an indicator of how much the show has strayed, because invariably you have to compare it to “Mother Simpson.” Genuinely sweet moments like Homer and Mona chuckling about dresser drawers and Lisa connecting with her enlightened grandmother are replaced with stupid shit like Homer forcing Marge to recreate the birth of Bart and Homer somehow ripping the entire guest room out of Flanders’s house to affix to his. When your show is filled with so many ridiculous gags and set pieces, it’s hard to really get any emotional reaction from anything because whatever moments like that there are, they’re given no breathing room. Upon meeting his mother again, Homer has an internal dilemma about whether he should emotionally open up to the woman who abandoned him twice. He then proceeds to hug her… then it’s revealed to be a bum. And Homer steals his wine. It basically obliterates any real emotional response I might have had.

Ever the vindictive one, Burns ends up getting Mona sent back to prison on a technical charge, and Homer can come up with no better plan than to bust her out by hijacking her prison bus. To save her son from facing a prison sentence himself, Mona pushes him from the vehicle and evades the police, before the bus careens off the road and into a lake. It then explodes, and is completely buried by an avalanche, all of which Homer sees with his own eyes. We know she’s not dead, but this is fucking horrifying for Homer. During her funeral, Homer tearfully holds his mother’s casket, saying that at least now he’ll never lose her again. Then the casket rolls away down the hill. I guess this is supposed to be a gag, but it’s just so absolutely terrible and in bad taste. Then the episode ends with Homer frantically looking through articles to find another coded message, and the family humors him by agreeing that Mona is still alive. It’s a really unsettling ending that doesn’t feel handled that right way, considering how jokey and callous the show is now. But in summation, this episode is basically running on nostalgia fumes, essentially retelling the same basic story we saw in “Mother Simpson,” except much more clumsily and crassly. But it’s nothing compared to the third Mona episode. My God… more on that dung heap later.

Tidbits and Quotes
– The Oops Patrol opening is basically an act-long extension of the “Ketchup Truck Hits Hamburger Stand, Three Dead” gag from “Lisa the Treehugger,” and the shot of Homer’s brain filled with black and white 30’s cartoon characters is straight from the Shary Bobbins episode. Hooray for recycling!
– Honestly, Mona could have just showed up at the Simpson house in a simple disguise. But then again, Lou instantly recognizes her and Eddie has her wanted poster in the car for some reason. In “Mother Simpson,” it made sense since Burns saw the poster on the old post office bulletin board, but here, not so much.
– Homer crashes his car through the police station, but of course there’s no repercussions for it. Although later he admits he’s due back in court multiple times the day of his mother’s trial, so maybe that’s part of it. But then, once again, Homer’s gone from everyman to maniac with repeat felonies who damages property and torches blood banks (!)
– Nice 19th century woodcut of Burns preying on young children.
– I really like Judge Snyder, I don’t know why. I also like we find out about his taunting sister and that he just got divorced, there’s a lot more to learn about him. Except now his airtime’s been cut down since we got Judge Judy… I mean, Judge Harm. This is the first time we’ve seen him since that episode, actually.
– The “I’m not a man who’s good with words…” silence bit goes on soooo long. Which then is immediately followed by Homer’s sniveling plea to save his mother. The two bits don’t gel together at all.
– Mona signing her name as “Anita Bonghit” is kind of juvenile, but I can see her having a raw sense of humor as an old hippie.
– The flipping though the highway warnings is another joke that goes on far too long. Know when to quit, guys.
– “Mom, I’m gonna hide you where there’s no one around for miles: Disney’s California Adventure!” Shot number two! Zing! Again, no one besides theme park geeks like me knew about or gave a shit about California Adventure in 2003.
– Mona’s funeral consists of each Simpson family member saying a punchline, instead of it actually being, you know, a heartfelt scene with a deeper meaning.

(originally aired November 2, 2003)
Another year, another Halloween show. John Swartzwelder takes the helm for all three segments here, and despite the decline in quality of his post-classic years episodes, I actually enjoyed this one, as it struck a fair balance between creepy and violent and delightfully silly. First in “Reaper Madness,” Homer offs the Grim Reaper, and by putting on his robe, he ends up becoming Death himself. Things are wonderfully weird right away that Homer cracks the Reaper’s skull with a bowling ball, then when he dumps his deceased bones and other remnants into the trash can outside, he gives his garments a try (“Check it out! I finally found a dead guy’s clothes that fit me!”) On his first assignment, we have an establishing shot of the Retirement Castle with Homer’s car parked out front, and I immediately chuckled thinking of him driving there in his robes, and walking through the front door as Death to kill Jasper. I’m sure no one batted an eye at him about that. The finale involves the powers that be commanding Homer kill Marge, but he gets out of it by tricking God and escaping on his motorcycle. It sounds really stupid… because it is, but it’s done in such a goofy fashion that it made it even funnier to me.

In “Frinkenstein,” Professor Frink finds he’s won the Nobel Prize, but is saddened that his father isn’t around to see his success… because his body is being kept alive in his freezer. Reanimated, John Frink, Sr. seeks to replace his new mechanical body parts with the real deal, ripping vital organs out of the people of Springfield. Seeing him rip Flanders’s heart out through his throat or tearing Skinner’s spine from his back are pretty horrifying to see, but it’s all so dumb and ridiculous that I still laughed at it, especially when we get to the point where Frink, Sr. is nothing but stolen body parts. He’s voiced by Jerry Lewis, in a great bit of casting considering he’s the basis of Frink’s voice. In his first scene when you go from Hank Azaria to him, it couldn’t be more clear, and just to hear Lewis go nuts and do the “hyuvin!” noises is pretty excellent. I wasn’t completely on board or understood what made Frink, Sr. such a maniac and go nuts at the end, but again, seeing him rip off people’s scalps and stuff brains into his head is such a bizarre sight, I just had to marvel at it.

Lastly we have “Clockstoppers.” Oh wait, I mean “Stop the World, I Want To Goof Off.” Bart gets a stopwatch from an ad in an old comic book that apparently can stop time, and wouldn’t you know, it actually works. He and Milhouse proceed to run wild, messing with the minds of everyone in town. Their pranks are all pretty entertaining to watch, going from pantsing Skinner (“My trousers! They’ve descended!”) to repeatedly putting costumes on Mayor Quimby, everything from a maid’s outfit to a gigantic sandwich. When the kids are found out, an angry mob quickly forms out for blood. Bart and Milhouse stop time, but destroy the watch in the process. After reaping the benefits of being the only two active people on Earth, they decide they need to try and fix things. Of course eight hours of watch repair takes the boys fifteen years to complete, leaving them worse-for-wear twenty-somethings. In a wonderfully cruel moment, they place Martin in front of the mob before they resume time, leaving him as the scapegoat to be pummeled mercilessly. All three segments were surprisingly strong, amusing and enjoyable; the best Halloween show since season 11.

Tidbits and Quotes
– I don’t care for the opening. Unlike the rest of the episode, the violence feels uncomfortable instead of goofy. But I do like the tag with Kang and Kodos commenting how the episode is being aired in November (“Who’s still thinking about Halloween? We already have our Christmas decorations up!”)
– I like the Benny Hill chase of Death and the Simpsons throughout the upstairs hallway. This setting and context works a hell of a lot better than the same gag in “A Star is Born Again.”
– Great bit with Frankie the Squealer unable to die, followed by a not-so-great bit with Moe hanging himself.
– I love the ending of “Reaper,” with God unable to identify Patty right away, and chasing Homer as a beam of light, which ultimately is stopped by a train whizzing by. He quickly gives up with an excellent, quotable line (“Doggone it, I am too old and too rich for this.”)
– I like the idea of Frink, Sr. as a more rugged, adventure-seeking scientist, like an Indiana Jones to regular Frink’s Nutty Professor. I kind of wish there had been another episode that developed this relationship seriously in the series proper. We’ve never had a Frink episode before. Pity.
– They must have recorded Jerry Lewis somewhere with sub-optimal acoustics. In the moments when he gets real loud, which is quite often, it sounds like he’s stuck in a shower.
– Frink wins the Nobel Prize for his hybrid hammer-screwdriver (“It was a slow year.”) I love that this not-very-impressive invention crux of why he decided just now to reanimate his father, that it would save him the inconvenience of switching tools.
– Even a throwaway role from Jennifer Garner becomes memorable when teamed with a no-nonsense Nobel laureate (“This is the most exciting Nobel Prize ceremony ever!” “I disagree.”)
– Jerry Lewis really did a great job, with his crazy noises accompanying Frink on stage, and his labored death sequence. I also like that Frink, Sr. asserts he’s going to hell so casually.
– I like the running gag of Milhouse’s non-response to Bart’s questions (“Yeah… but you say it first.”) It feels very in-character.
– Nice bit out front of Town Hall with the endlessly changing announcement board.
– Another throwaway role for Oscar de la Hoya, but considering it involves him brutally punching a defenseless ten-year-old, I’d say it’s worth it (“Dios mio! This kid is fun to hit!”)

(originally aired May 18, 2003)
Simpsons apologists have about four or five episodes at the ready to defend the sorry state of the last decade of the show, and this is one of them: a genuine, emotionally driven story focused on our favorite gargoyle of a bartender. And yeah, there are parts of it that are definitely very sweet, and it’s probably the most solid, enjoyable episode of the season. But when people start throwing stuff around like “as good as the classic era,” I have to call bullshit, because there’s also a lot in this episode that feels too exaggerated within this simple, emotional story. We start with the entire town flocking to the botanical gardens for the blooming of the Sumatran Century Flower, which as its namesake suggests, opens only once a century. Moe is the only one not in attendance, and when he does arrive, he’s kicked out as the garden is one over capacity. I get Moe is a lonely guy with crippling emotional issues, but this opening just paints him as way too sad. Moe may be bitter and despondent, but like many of the characters, he seemed reasonably content with his lot in life, even if it was just providing intoxicants to other despondent losers. Now he’s just this super pathetic guy who is so desperate for human contact, he lets Chief Wiggum push him down a muddy hill.

Nothing left for Moe than to commit suicide, I guess. This would eventually become one of his character quirks, because suicide is hilarious! Just as he’s about to jump off a bridge, Maggie comes falling down into his arms, having been flung from the Simpson car due to Homer being a shitty, inattentive driver. Moe is smitten with the little tyke, and eventually falls into the role as Maggie’s babysitter. The scenes between these two are absolutely adorable, with Moe still retaining his rough personality (“It’s so nice to be with someone who can’t understand the horrible things I say.”) The highlight is Moe’s story time where he regales the story of The Godfather using dolls, much to Maggie’s enjoyment. It’s not long before Homer and Marge start getting annoyed by how involved and overprotective Moe becomes of Maggie. The scene at the party really works showing how despite Moe being a bit overbearing, Maggie seems to have a stronger bond with him than her actual parents. But then they push things too far into a creepy realm by showing Moe has his own baby monitor and a video camera in Maggie’s room, which is the final straw for Homer, who tells Moe he’s not allowed to see her again.

The story is all about Moe, but as the episode goes on, you start to think maybe it’ll turn where Homer, and maybe even Marge, realizes they need to step up their parenting game when Maggie starts to take a shining more to Moe than to them. There’s one scene where Homer acknowledges this, but it’s basically dropped after that. The ending involves Maggie following the mob in the middle of the night, after seeing Fat Tony imitate Don Corleone as Moe did to her. It ends up in a mafia standoff at Luigi’s, and Moe has to risk his life to rescue Maggie. Normally I complain about episodes focused on secondary characters that have the Simpsons shoehorned in, but in this case, I feel they weren’t incorporated in the story enough. I’m fine with the ending as is, and I like how it tied into Moe’s Godfather story (although I’m not sure why the mob regularly hangs out outside the Simpson house), but I feel it would have been more emotionally satisfying if it involved Homer and Marge more, trying to win their daughter back. But I don’t want to step all over this episode, it’s definitely really sweet, has lots of funny moments, and is ultimately pretty satisfying. A real gem in a shit season.

Tidbits and Quotes
– More awkward and weird Homer dialogue (“Every time you say pick a number from one to ten, it’s always seven.” “That’s because there were seven apostles.” “No, there were twelve.” “Boy, that’s a big staff, and still he wasn’t that funny.”) Also you could see the Venus Fly trap gag coming from a mile away.
– I’m quite partial to the “Beverly Hillbillies Go Down Under” bit (“Hey Granny, I’m gonna be a professional didgeridoo player!” “Now it’s a didgeri-don’t!”)
– I really didn’t like how Homer directly almost caused the death of his infant daughter. He hits the gas in the middle of a traffic jam, then must jam the brakes and ends up smashing in the back of someone. Maggie’s safety harness breaks and she ends up flying through the sunroof. If it weren’t for Moe, she’d be dead, and Homer would have been responsible. How horrible would that have been? Actually, I’m morbidly curious what that show would have been now. Maybe Marge was the one who bought the shitty safety lock and both parents blame themselves for the incident. Hmm.
– The sweetest moment of the show is when Moe gives Maggie back her “nose” (“There yah go, yah little idiot.”) Funny, heartwarming and in-character all at the same time. Just because the episode as a whole isn’t classic-worthy doesn’t mean there aren’t excellent moments in it.
– I love Moe misinterpreting the woman trying to pick him up because of Maggie (“Aww, what a face! She looks just like you!” “You calling her repellant? ‘Cause you ain’t exactly Karen Allen yourself!”) He goes from zero to sixty in a second, cracking his knuckles like he’s about to punch this poor woman out on the spot. Also great is the bumper car scene where Moe smashes Nelson’s vehicle with a crowbar, much to Maggie’s amusement.
– Moe retells The Godfather, and we take a look at a classic scene (“I think we can scare that movie producer by putting a horse’s blanket in his bed. Imagine waking up and seeing you’ve got the wrong kind of a blanket?” “How about a horse’s head?” “Aww, you see here, that’s why you’re the Godfather!”)
– I really like the birthday party scene, it walks the line perfectly of Moe being sweet and somewhat overbearing, right before it falls into creepy territory in the scene following it. Him fixing her bow (“I know it don’t seem like it matters, but she hates looking like crap,”) yelling at one of Apu’s children playing next to her (“Sure he was, Nahasa-pasa-I’m-raising-a-pervert,”) and his gift to Maggie: a Moe’s Tavern playset, with classic drunk Barney! And the figures talk too, in what might be a reference to the recent Playmates toy line featuring Simpsons character figures that “speak” when connected to certain playsets (“I peed my pants!” “I recorded that for private use!”)
– It is rather disturbing when Homer, Marge and the police stake out Moe’s thinking he kidnapped Maggie, and it looks like he’s thrown her in the oven. But of course, it’s just a ham.
– I like Don Castellaneta (three guesses who he’s named after.) When Fat Tony and his associates all spill wine on themselves at the same time and go to the restroom, he comments, “Those boys should really consider sippy cups.” I also like the bit where the President of the Italian-American Anti-Defamation League is present in the restaurant… who then proceeds to take out two guns himself (“This really burns my cannoli!”)
– I want to see a Moe and Maggie spin-off. I don’t know what it would be about. Maybe they could solve mysteries, with Maggie as the brains and Moe the brawn.

Season 14 Final Thoughts
There may be a point where I forgo giving my final thoughts per season, and that point may be right now. This season is really no different than the last, and I feel the show is going to stay at this plateau of quality for a while now, and the only direction to go is down. The series is in such a sorry place, with all of the issues and problems of the past just getting more and more flagrant, with any sincerity or realism that the show once possessed almost completely obliterated. Dead Homer Society coined the term “Zombie Simpsons,” and it really couldn’t be more apt. The show is lifeless and sterile, an empty shell vaguely resembling the actual soul that actually once resided in it. Harsh words, yes, but I really don’t even know how better to describe it. Perhaps the biggest indictment of all is that a lot of these episodes just barely even registered with me. I considered putting a couple on the “worst” list, but then realized that I didn’t even give a shit about them. Mike Scully episodes will piss me off, but Al Jean episodes are just so unremarkable. The show’s deader than dead, and I still have six more seasons to go. I do it only out of obligation now, I can’t have come this far to stop now.

The Best
“The Dad Who Knew Too Little,” “Mr. Spritz Goes to Washington,” “Moe Baby Blues”

The Worst
“How I Spent My Strummer Vacation,” “Helter Shelter,” “The Great Louse Detective,” “Three Gays of the Condo,” “Brake My Wife, Please”

(originally aired May 18, 2003)
I’m trying to keep my level of exasperation down, but with episodes like these, it’s really difficult. You have to wonder exactly what the writers and producers are thinking when they’re color screening these shows, that despite almost every single scene having a glaring issue, be it clunky dialogue, questionable characterization, or stupid plot turns, they deem it good enough to air as a Simpsons episode. I’d like to say that there’s a decent premise buried here, but that’s me being really generous. Bart and Milhouse get into some massive hijinks, in this case breaking into the Flanders house and destroying his secret room of Beatles memorabilia. Why it had to be The Beatles is irrelevant and this is just the quick set-up to our story, except it takes the entire first act, so you realize that the writers were scrambling to bring this one to length. The two kids end up in separate youth groups: the Pre-Teen Braves, led by Homer, then later Marge, and the Calvary Kids, led by Kirk Van Houten.

These youth groups perform community service and promote wellness and responsibility amongst children. A kid like Bart is going to have no interest in something like this. Homer starts off as a predictably incompetent leader, but Marge soon takes the helm and shows the kids the wonders of the native peoples, winning them over immediately by showing them a smoke signal. From that point we hand-wave any contention the kids might have and they’re all super-psyched about spending their sunny weekends picking up litter. Bart’s fellow members are Nelson, Ralph and Database, and Milhouse’s are Jimbo, Martin and Cosine, one of the Superfriends. Nelson gets a few lines, and Ralph is literally used as a prop, but none of them feel like anything but utilities for this pathetic story. The older bully Jimbo in a community-minded organization with two big nerds? Doesn’t matter, just throw whoever in there. We’re at the point where the same faces get recycled over and over regardless of it makes sense. Why waste time making new designs when you can regurgitate the old ones?

The two groups have a tiff over who gets to clean up some Godforsaken field, which immediately ignites a rivalry, instigated by Marge of all people. From that point, it’s just a tired exercise of the two teams one-upping each other, until eventually they make amends in a grand fashion. Let’s just skip to the end: the Pre-Teen Braves impersonate the Calvary Kids, singing a botched National Anthem at Springfield Stadium, enraging the crowd. The real Calvary Kids show up and a fight breaks out. Then for no apparent reason everyone in the crowd starts fighting each other. I know the town loves a good mob, but goddamn, there’s no motivation for this. Marge laments she just wanted to teach the kids good citizenship, despite the fact she went along with their petty rivalry to begin with, and starts crying. A cameraman turns and shoots her, for no reason, displaying it onto the Jumbotron. Then Homer says the worst line of dialogue ever (“Oh my God, that’s my wife! And she’s crying!”) The crowd sings the Canadian national anthem and takes another crack at America, and the episode ends. I can’t even feel mad about this one, it’s just so pathetic and inept in all aspects. Like… whatever.

Tidbits and Quotes
– I guess in response to the “Simpsons Already Did It” episode of South Park, the show responds in kind by having Bart and Milhouse watch a South Park parody, except I’m not exactly sure what the parody is. They show the series has fart humor, violence, and features celebrities, except they’re dated celebrities like Calista Flockhart and O.J. Simpson. I don’t quite understand what they were going for with this. South Park‘s tribute to The Simpsons was so brilliant, and this is just a sad follow-up.
– Flanders chastises his son for feeling good for doing charity (“Sin of pride, Roddy!”) then for apologizing (“Sin of regret,”) freaks the fuck out when he finds the house is busted up and goes to the padlocked panic room, then freaks the fuck out of his children as he posits the possibility of a killer using a blowtorch and getting in to slay them through song. It’s just as disconcerting as it sounds. Then we get this brilliant piece of dialogue, when Homer tells Ned he never knew he was a Beatles fan (“Of course I am, they were bigger than Jesus!”) Now, this current exaggerated version of Ned, the psycho-Christian, you’d think he would have completely vilified the Beatles for such a statement. But I guess a line like that is supposed to be funny because it contrasts with the exaggerated character that Flanders currently has? I guess? But ultimately it doesn’t matter, since the Beatles stuff is nothing short of random, just killing time with stupid bullshit because there’s no story to be had here. All the time the artists must have spent designing that Beatles room for no point at all.
– This is the first episode where we see Nelson’s tragic backstory due to his father having left him, even though we’ve seen him in the past in “Bart Star.” It’s nice that the show treats the devastating sadness and mania of a young child so callously and as a big goof. The second time it happens, Marge comments, “For God’s sakes, I can see why he left.” How wildly inappropriate and out-of-character.
– “What are we gonna do to that field!” “Clean it!” “And why are we gonna clean it?” “Liberal guilt!” CHECK OUT OUR BITING COMMENTARY, YOU GUYS!!
– “Those Calvary Kids are bigger credit hogs than the Red Cross!” AREN’T WE EDGY? WE CAN BE EDGY TOO!!
– Ralph, an eight-year-old, gets thrown through a window with a note taped on him, spouting a one-liner. At this point I declare his devolution complete, from slightly challenged youngster to brain dead one-liner-spouting prop.
– Did Homer inject each and every candy bar with laxatives? There were dozens and dozens of boxes? How did he do that? Oh, who gives a fuck…
– The only chuckle I got from this episode was from the Junior Dandies (“Oh, the indignity!”)
– “Well, Bart, we’ve learned that war is never the answer.” “Except to all of America’s problems.” “Amen.” BITING COMMENTARY, GUYS!!