(originally aired January 27, 2002)
These reviews are getting harder and harder to start off. At some point I might just forgo trying to come up with an opening statement and just jump into the episode. It’s not like there are any overarching themes or interesting character stuff to talk about, these episodes are mostly just a bunch of stuff that happens. Here’s how this one starts: the Simpsons attend a gay pride parade. Then they go to a movie. That’s it. There’s literally no connection between the two, they leave the parade and show up at the theater without even mentioning it. It may not seem like a big deal, but it just makes me feel like the first two minutes I just watched was worthless since they couldn’t have been bothered to connect it to anything. It’s like it was lifted from another episode. Also the parade stuff itself is so unfunny and makes no sense. First, I don’t know any parades that go down a residential street. Second, Homer’s behavior. At first he’s very enthused by the parade, even giving a “Woo-hoo!” but then we see that he’s kind of nervous and uncomfortable by the floats. Characters have changed drastically from scene to scene before, but I can’t remember them changing mid-scene. It’s like they’re not even paying attention, or caring. And look, I blew this whole paragraph on the first fucking two minutes of the episode.

Let’s skip to the main plot. Homer makes a ruckus at the theater and is chased out by ushers. For some reason they continue chasing him even when they’ve gotten him out of the building, and Homer runs face-first into the fist of the newly christened statue of Drederick Tatum. His jaw busted, Homer must have it wired shut in order for it to heal, keeping him completely mute, and worst of all, unable to eat solid foods. Now, at this point I’m glad, because this looks to be an episode where Homer won’t be screaming. Unable to speak, Homer ends up becoming a pretty good listener, much to the delight of the family. Marge even feels confident enough that they can go to the formal ball at the country club. Which they do, with people like Mr. Burns and the wealthy dowager there. What is this event? How did they get tickets? A prior episode showed that the Simpsons were complete outsiders, financially and socially, from the high and mighty social elite at the country club, now all of a sudden they can get in with ease and rub elbows with the elite. It’s like stuff like this doesn’t matter anymore, just do whatever the story calls for, do it, regardless if it makes sense.

When Homer gets his wires removed, Marge fears he will revert back to his normal self, but the changes actually stick. They even end up on a The View-style show somehow to talk about Homer’s transformation. Marge complains that the old Homer was a complete glutton, and it’s not exactly addressed or explained why Homer doesn’t go back to eating a lot. But anyway, the weeks drag on and Marge finds herself completely bored without Homer causing some wacky, dangerous schemes for her to clean up. This whole conceit is very disturbing as it further clinches Homer’s new “character,” the reckless impulsive maniac as revealed in “Lost Our Lisa.” Here, we see he’s even forgone entering the demolition derby. Why would Homer want to participate in the derby? Real Homer would be sitting on his ass, drinking beer, and whooping it up in the stands, or watching on TV at home, not risking his life in the pit itself. So Marge enters the derby, wanting some excitement in her life, something she immediately regrets, and Homer has to save her by going back to his old reckless self. We end with Marge saying the family needs its live wire. Of all the fucking things I’d call Homer, “live wire” is not one of them. Homer is a lazy, lazy, lazy man, not Captain Daredevil as the writers apparently think he is now.

Tidbits and Quotes
– The only good thing at the gay pride parade was this bit between the marchers and Lisa (“We’re here! We’re queer! Get used to it!” “You do this every year! We are used to it.” “Spoilsport!”) Then we have the bit with Smithers and Patty on a float hidden “in the closet.” The subtly for Smithers’s sexuality is basically gone at this point, but I guess Patty’s been officially outed. But what a lame way to do it. Go back to “Treehouse of Horror III,” where Homer runs naked through the kitchen, and Patty comments, “There goes the last lingering thread of my heterosexuality.” Classic.
– The movie theater pre-roll jumble at the theater is pretty good (“Otm Shank. He is India’s answer to Brian Dennehy.”)
– I don’t know what to think about the Soccer Mummy trailer and the bit with him getting a boner. The joke is that this is a terrible gag from a bad movie, but the movie they’re presenting looks like a family film, since it’s about a downtrodden little kid (with an adult voice, for some reason) and this supernatural being who’s helping him achieve his dreams. So what’s a sex joke doing in there? Again, no thought put into this.
– Why do the ushers keep chasing Homer outside? I worked at a movie theater, believe me, no one gave that much of a shit. No fucking way a staff of unqualified teens is going to go above and beyond the call of duty like that.
– The “So Your Life Is Ruined” pamphlet is basically reused from “I Married Marge,” except it was much funnier in regards to a pregnancy than having ones jaw wired shut for a few weeks. And then there’s a conveniently labeled suicide machine in Hibbert’s office for some reason. Okay.
– The scene at the bar with Duffman is alright (“Newsweek said you died of liver failure.” “Duffman can never die, only the actors who play him!”) The quiz is so unbelievably stupid, but that’s kind of the point, so I don’t mind.
– Here’s a scene that bothers me: Homer listens to Lisa’s complaints. She talks about a tiff she had with Ralph playing four-square, and how he basically ignored the rules because he’s a dumb kid. Considering how adult the writers make Lisa, you’d think she’d know that he’s special needs and not get so upset, but whatever. What bothers me most is what Homer thinks when he hugs his daughter: “Maybe a hug will cork her cry-hole.” What an awful thing to say. Or think, in this case. It made me think of one of the greatest Homer lines, “Just because I don’t care doesn’t mean I don’t understand,” which shows how he can be unintentionally offensive and misguided. “Maybe a hug will shut my daughter the fuck up” is different, it’s just mean.
– The only really funny line in the show comes from Grampa, following one of his long-winded stories (“Anyway, ‘long story short,’ is a phrase whose origins are complicated and rambling.”)
– We have Homer trying to tell Marge he’s horny, Moe on the phone with an escort wanting to be taken to “Orgasm-ville,” and Homer at the derby yelling, “Quit banging my wife!” I dunno, am I being too sensitive? I just don’t think this kind of humor fits with this show. I get they’re trying to chase after the current comedy trends of the early 2000s of being more risqué, but these jokes feel so uncomfortable.
– Homer and Marge go on “Afternoon Yak” to talk about Homer’s transformation. And they bring a clip with them of Homer making ostrich burgers, meaning he’s got ostriches in his backyard and he’s going to beat them to death to make burgers out of them. This bit kind of broke my brain. As if this show wasn’t further removed from reality, this shot it even more so. I can’t even be bothered to comment, who out there can tell me this bit, hell this episode, made any sense at all or was funny?
– Homer saves Marge by becoming Popeye, but at that point I don’t really care. Though there’s one exchange at the end that is so incredibly indicative of the outlook of the writers (“Isn’t it great to have the old Dad back?” “I thought you liked the new Dad.” “Whatever.”) There it is. If the writers can’t even be bothered to care about whether their show is good or makes sense, why should we?

(originally aired January 20, 2002)
I think I need some medication or something, every episode this season so far has infuriated me in some way. I’ve got to calm down if I’m going to make it through eight (!) more of these. These few Al Jean episodes are just as bad as Scully’s, if not worse in some respects, but I can’t entirely place why. Maybe because it feels like they’re trying harder to be meaningful episodes with a point, but couldn’t fail harder at it. Despite having a consistent plot, this episode felt like an endless string of sketches that happened to have a story around it. By the end, I felt like I had watched nothing at all. We start at a library book sale where Homer comes upon the Duff Book of World Records. After exhausting everyone with reading off different records, he decides he want to make his own, but finds out the World Records council will only accept those done as a group. So Homer gets the entire town of Springfield together, somehow, to participate in the world’s largest human pyramid. Okay, sure, it’s a bit of a stretch, but Springfield is filled with a bunch of rubes like Homer that would love to have a record to their name, so I get it. Then the pyramid collapses, and the entire town forms a gigantic rolling ball that careens down the street. Honestly, how can I comment about this? I already had my aneurysm for the day, I’m not going to trigger it again.

The human ball lands on a truck weigh station scale, where the people of Springfield earn their record after all, as the World’s Fattest Town. Everyone is pretty psyched about this, save Marge, who is upset about the state of the townspeople’s health. She pays a visit to Garth Motherloving, owner of the local sugar manufacturer, to plead with him to rethink his business, but he’ll have none of it. Garth is voiced by Ben Stiller, and I’m glad they gave him an interesting comic character to play. Oh wait, never mind, he’s just a generic evil corporate head who does things because he’s evil. Another celebrity wasted. So Marge gathers signatures in order to file a class action suit against the company. Things appear to maybe get interesting when Professor Frink gives Marge a tip-off, and then testifies in court about the addictiveness of his top-secret sugar plan for Motherloving… but then that’s it. No interesting twist. I would’ve even gone for something stupid at this point. In the end, Judge Snyder rules in favor of Marge, and has all sugar products banned from the town.

It doesn’t take long before the entire town goes through sugar withdrawal, one of the worst being Homer. Eventually he falls into a secret group consisting of Mr. Burns, Motherloving, Apu and Count Fudgula, scheming to get sugar back to Springfield. Even though they could easily smuggle it from across the town borders, instead they have to go off shore to the island of San Glucose. Maybe it’s because they got it free of charge (“Okay, man, here’s the sugar. Now you give us the money.” “That wasn’t part of the deal!” “…he’s right. Who wrote this thing?”) Then it becomes wacky Homer antics as he goes with them on the boat, falling back off the boat and completing the deal. Why did they need him for this? Couldn’t Apu have done this? Or maybe Count Fudgula could have bitten them, because apparently he’s a real vampire. Or at least a deranged man who thinks he is. I want to see an episode about him. But, not really. Anyway, this whole third act is essentially Homer going behind Marge’s back and breaking the law to pull this con, but it’s never addressed. He ends up dumping the sugar to appease her, but the fact that he betrayed her in the first place is never brought up. He just reassures her with a paltry line, they kiss, Snyder shows up to revert things back to the status quo, and that’s the end. It just all felt so empty and meaningless, traits that would carry through the Jean years for many seasons. At least the Scully episodes evoked some kind of response.

Tidbits and Quotes
– Some of the library stuff is alright: Comic Book Guy buys Leonard Nimoy’s books, Dr. Nick’s complete shock at a real medical journal, and Cletus feeding his pigs torn up, unsold books. Then Marge shows Homer the Duff record book. When Bart asks why Duff would put out a book at all, Lisa pipes in, “It was originally published to settle arguments in taverns.” Now, why would she know that? How could she know that? It’s a small line, but feels telling to me, that now Lisa is just the know-it-all, and any time we need something explained or narrated, they’ll have her say it, regardless if it makes sense.
– Seeing Homer do a wacky dance before the Duff judges is absolutely painful. Then he grabs a banjo and cobra that he’s seemingly brought with him. He couldn’t be more removed from reality at this point. He is Captain Wacky now.
– I like Homer’s blueprints for the human pyramid: just a big triangle.
– The various products at the Kwik-E-Mart are great: Sugar, Free Donuts, Honey-Glazed Cauliflower, and Choco-Blasted Baby Aspirin.
– “Why don’t you file a class-action suit?” “Oh, yeah, like Erin Brockovich.” “The prostitute with a heart of gold.” Similar to the Lisa thing earlier, how would Bart know who Erin Brockovich is? I don’t buy it.
– There’s some nice bits of Marge going door-to-door, best of all being Disco Stu, who proceeds to do lines of sugar before boogie-ing down to “More More More” on a sugar high. It would have been funnier if he actually inhaled the stuff, but no way they could get away with that.
– Garth snapping in court and claiming he’ll kill everybody feels like such a hollow imitation of Freddy Quimby doing the same in “The Boy Who Knew Too Much.”
– After the sugar ban, the police burn all the sweets in town. They try to throw in some Butterfingers, but they’re not even singed (“Even the fire doesn’t want them.”) Butterfinger ended their contract with the show in 2001, so I guess this was their shot back at them. This show has always bit the hand that feeds, but this kind of felt really petty. Plus Butterfingers are delicious, fuck all y’all.
– Act three really is just a tour-de-force of stupid Homer shit: consciously licking a puddle of blood and Vapo-Rub, landing backwards on the lower deck, then on a whale, trying to use reverse-psychology on a bird, and “marking” his share of the sugar. Then he has a high-speed boat chase with the police, which is not tense at all or funny. Oh yeah, and Bart’s there too for some reason. Not really sure why.
– “Now that I think of it, I wildly exceeded my authority, and I declare the sugar ban over.” That’s how we resolve the story. That little thought was put into it. It’s the writers basically saying, “Oops,” and throwing that line in to fix the problem.

(originally aired January 6, 2002)
We’re two episodes in and I’ve already given up hope of anything improving under the Jean era. Even as an indiscriminate teen who gave most episodes a pass, I remember not liking this one, mostly for its third act. But there’s a big fundamental issue here, one I hope I can articulate into words, something that really rubs me the wrong way, and seems incredibly telling of the show’s new sensibilities. As the first episode produced in this production season, if this episode is who they think the Simpson family is, we’re in for a long, long road ahead… We start with our tangential opening where the Republican party repeals all environmental laws. The headquarters is in the same spooky castle as “Sideshow Bob Roberts,” but any shred of subtlety that was once there is gone, with Burns directly asking what evil schemes the Republicans have up their sleeves. No real motives, just good old fashioned evil-doings. And Smithers is there, despite what we saw in “Roberts.” And how could they push these laws with the Democratic Quimby in office? We’re two minutes in and I’m already exhausted.

Hazardous smoke levels create a downpour of acid rain. With a dramatic swell of music, we think that this may be important. But nope, it’s just the catalyst for the Simpsons to stay inside and play Monopoly. How do we make this leap? The environmental story is ten times more interesting than what plays out, and it’s dropped completely. A petty squabble over the board game turns into a huge fight with the family, for some reason. A fight that seemingly is continuous for a good hour or so before the police arrive and use their negotiator robot to trap them in a giant wad of taffy. I don’t even need to comment on some of this stuff anymore; writing out the summary just highlights the shittiness by itself. A social worker, Gabriel, is assigned to help the Simpsons be a family again. But here’s the problem: the Simpsons have always been a loving family. Despite their squabbles and tiffs, they’ve always appreciated one another and been rather close-knit. Seeing them pushed to the point where they seem like a broken family feels disheartening and weird. The problems that are illuminated are ever present, but are played in an incredibly sad, unfunny light. So when Gabriel has them do their outdoor exercise, I believe the family would be able to figure it out. Instead, we have Homer acting like a wild man and bashing a tree over with his car. It just doesn’t work.

Anyway, here’s the horrible third act. Just as the family seems to have been repaired, who should reappear but Amber and Ginger, the two cocktail waitresses Homer and Ned married in “Viva Ned Flanders.” Now, there’s so many problems with this, starting with the fact that I never wanted to see these characters ever again. Second, it’s so out of left field, and especially so to those who haven’t seen that episode. Then it suddenly becomes a whole new story where Homer must deal with having two wives, it has nothing to do with the family working through a problem since this incident was all Homer’s fault. The ending of “Viva” was so sloppy and preposterous, like a terrible gag extended five minutes, but at least it was treated as such. Here, the idea of Homer’s second wife is almost given some seriousness, with Lisa and Bart talking to their “Vegas Mom” and Ned embracing his new wife because that’s what God would have wanted. Then apropos of nothing, Marge not only forgives Homer, but concocts an elaborate scheme with him: get Amber drunk and have her marry Abe. So they basically pull the same dirty trick the waitresses did to Homer and Ned, but doing it back to them is okay. And the Simpsons did it as a family, so yay, togetherness! The others turn on a dime in favor of the lecherous monster Homer, and everything turns out fine. Disjointed, unfunny, outlandish and crude, this episode is many things, but most egregious of all is its handling the Simpson family. We’ve seen many characters be pushed in awful directions over the last few seasons, but this is the first we’ve seen where the whole family, the crux of the entire series, be pushed and pulled with no regard for who these characters are or how they interact. Our once loving family has been reduced to ruin, then put back into place within the last two minutes for no particular reason. I actually find that more offensive than any of the Mike Scully stuff. Could this be the worst episode ever? I dunno, maybe.

Tidbits and Quotes
– How could they go so far as showing a catastrophic storm of acid rain and never mention it ever again? All we get out of it is this “hysterical” sequence: the rain melts the TV antenna, thus killing the reception. Homer screams bloody murder, then runs outside, and screams again upon feeling the acid rain. Runs back inside, sees the TV, screams. Runs back outside… and so on. Dan Castallenata’s vocal cords gets another workout.
– One of the only good bits from the episode is hearing the different types of Monopoly, including Rasta-Mon-opoly and Edna Krabapp-oly. Marge decides to stick with the original version (“The game’s crazy enough as it is. How can an iron be a landlord?”)
– The dialogue during the Monopoly game feels weird to me (“I’d like to trust you, Homer, but you’ve been in jail three times.” “They told me it would be like this on the outside.”) Homer’s not play-acting, so is the gag that he thinks it’s real? I don’t know. Plus how could Bart have put down fake hotels without anyone noticing? Although it looks like he’s the banker. I don’t know, I just think they could have had a better instigator for this story than this… Or not do it at all. That would also have worked.
– Homer joins his son in childishly taunting his daughter about not getting into an Ivy league school. He basically becomes Bart Sr. if the scene or joke warrants it.
– How fucking dumb is Homer that he thinks Gabriel is an actual angel? He’s stupid, but this is just too much.
– During the family exercise, Homer snaps and backs his car into the giant tree repeatedly, which falls forward towards him. Very slowly. We see Gabriel under it, who just stands there and doesn’t move. He gets caught in the branches, then the tree falls down a slope we never saw before into a chasm. Okay. Then the family comes up with a plan. Someone will go down to the tree and secure Gabriel in a harness to pull him up, and someone else drives the car to pull them to safety. Let’s have Homer do the complicated part, his extra hundred pounds won’t be a hindrance at all. And because Marge twists her “driving ankle,” Bart has to drive. She couldn’t have used her other foot? So really, only Homer and Bart saved the day, the Simpson women did nothing. Brilliant.
– “You know, we’ve been through some 280 adventures together, but our bond has never been stronger.” “Yep, our family is as functional as all get-out.” “Could this be the end of our series… of events?” Why must you tease me like this…
– Judge Harm reappears, which is annoying. Then we have discussion of “mouth-whoopie,” Homer’s lust-filled string of double entendres while Amber makes him a sandwich… so disgusting and wrong. With no home to go to, Homer crawls into the doghouse, gets it stuck on his head, and runs around like a maniac. Marge looks out the window at this and smiles admirably. This surely is one of the most pathetic things she’s ever seen, and this is why she forgives her husband. What?!