(originally aired November 10, 2002)
Now this is a historic episode, as it’s the last one Mike Scully ever wrote. He wrote last season’s premiere episode, which was garbage, and wouldn’t you know it, this one ain’t much better. I have a lot to talk about with one, so let’s just get this out of the way first. This episode is about Homer attending “Rock ‘n’ Roll Fantasy Camp,” a one-week program held right outside of Springfield where people receive rock star training from the Rolling Stones and other famous artists. To complain that this story makes no sense is a fool’s errand. Why should I waste my time talking about how little sense this premise makes? The reality of this series has already been shattered, so this doesn’t even feel that egregious to me. I guess when you have such huge guest stars, you feel the need to really showcase them and put them on a mantle, but look back at “Stark Raving Dad,” where the show took the biggest celebrity in the world and made him a hulking, bald, ugly mental patient. Now we have the Rolling Stones on and Homer fawning how awesome they are. But whatever, when I gave up on the story, all I was hoping was that characterization made sense and that it was funny. I got neither.

Let’s rewind a bit and highlight this episode’s fatal flaw. Homer ends up so wasted that not only can he not remember how he got home one night, but he also spaced that he was filmed for a TV show “Taxicab Confessions.” He and his family watch as he drunkenly admits that he could have had a rock star life if it weren’t for his goddamn wife and annoying kids, which the other Simpsons are understandably hurt by. So what happens after this? They send Homer to the camp, and not only that, they empathize with him (“Even though what you said about us was incredibly thoughtless and hurtful, you had a point.”) So in honor of him going to work and sometimes being a decent father, they blow their vacation fund on this camp just for him. Then Homer acts like a loudmouth party rocker at the camp for some reason. Since when is it his dream to be a rock star? I guess it kind of fits with the wackier, more high-energy Homer of later seasons, but what happened to the lazy son-of-a-bitch I used to know and love? At the end of act two when camp is finally over, Homer is crestfallen. The opening of act three is him whining and sobbing like a four-year-old. I don’t think I’ve thought this before, but Homer is absolutely pathetic here. Not a good quality for your lead to have.

Mick Jagger and Keith Richards feel sorry for Homer and allow him to be a guest at their benefit concert the following night. Homer manages to welch a bunch of front-row tickets for his family and friends, and is all ready to rock out on stage! Except the musicians just want him to do the mic check. Why the fuck did Homer think he would be performing? The whole ending makes absolutely no sense. We get the sad music as Homer walks on stage to the crowd cheering, but I felt absolutely no sympathy because Homer is completely deluded, yearning for a dream that we never knew he fucking had, and makes no sense for him to have. Then he does the mic check, and the crowd is disappointed, for some reason, even Marge for some reason, who I thought would be smart enough to realize that Homer was not going to perform (“Why is he performing the duties of a roadie?”) Then the Stones prove to be just as moronic. Rather than pull Homer off stage when he starts playing guitar, they drive a giant fucking Satan head around the stage and end up crashing into the audience. Then they have to apologize to Homer. That’s what this whole show is: Homer being an inconsiderate, hyperactive moron, and everyone else having to apologize to him. I wasn’t as pissed off as I was with “The Parent Rap,” but this episode is just abysmal, and a real uncreative waste of such high profile guest stars.

Tidbits and Quotes
– Sympathetic Moe of later years can go two ways for me. I kind of like showing his crushing desire to be accepted in certain situations, but him feeling bad for not giving Homer a beer without paying? And then offering him a free beer? The man who wouldn’t even give one to those Iranian hostages? I don’t think so.
– Homer arrives home only to find that it’s dinner time. He’s quite confused (“Wait, was last night the night we set the clock ahead eight hours?”)
– I don’t know what I feel about the Disco Stu bit. Him admitting he hates disco is sort of like the jokes we’ve had with ancillary characters in the past rebuking their entire gimmick (“Yarrr, I hate the sea and everything in it,”) but I dunno. I feel kind of bummed that Disco Stu is apparently really depressed with his lot in life, and I know how fucked up that is for me to be concerned with the well-being of a tertiary character, but I love Disco Stu. I just want him to be happy! Is that so wrong?
– The editing of the family watching “Taxicab Confessions” is so sporadic, we cut back and forth way too many goddamn times. We cut back twice to have the family laud Homer for being so nice, then like four more times when things start to go sour. You really only need half of those cuts to get the message across, but instead, it just lays it on way too thick. The family loves Homer! Now the family hates Homer! Yeah, we get it.
– The family acts evil and laughs maniacally when Homer gets in the car for no real reason. The fake-out is drawn out so long and handled so clumsily.
– Here’s the only complaint I’ll give about the fantasy camp. All the other campers are known faces, of course. Here’s the line-up: Otto, Barney, Apu, Wiggum, Herman, Louie, Kirk Van Houten, Dr. Hibbert, Frink and Gil. Now let’s put aside the notion that a lot of those characters have seemingly no inclination towards rock ‘n’ roll. A one-week instructional course taught by the Rolling Stones has to cost a pretty penny. I’d say even more than the Simpsons can afford, but let’s say the vacation money covers it. I would be generous in saying maybe half of the people there could afford this extravagant program. But completely broke characters like Otto, Kirk and Gil? Homer’s band at the end consists of Otto, Barney, Apu and Wiggum, so you don’t even need the others. They have no lines anyway. And the others barely have any. What a bunch of crap.
– There are a few choice lines at the camp that I laughed at, the first being from Mick Jagger (“Remember, rule number one: there are no rules! Rule number two: no outside food.”)
– The bit with drugged up insane Homer in the morning may be the most awkward scene in show history. It’s so completely bizarre, out-of-character and unfunny, combined with we’re just as uncomfortable during the scene as the other characters.
– My favorite bit in the whole episode is definitely Elvis Costello’s twinging eyebrow, and his shock when Homer rips off his hat and glasses (“My image!”)
– They filled the camp with recognizable faces, but Homer gets 85% of the lines. Why include them at all if you’re not going to have them talk?
– I like that the musicians have to get back home to do menial chores (“My lawn’s not going to mow itself!” “And I’ve got to put up the storm windows. Winter’s coming!”)
– “I was so close to being a rock star that now there’s a chance it might not happen!” Homer is truly a lunatic in this. Why should we feel sympathy for a character this deluded?
– Homer escorts his family to their front-row seats. Marge comments, “I’m so proud of you, Homie!” Proud of him? You were there when you saw your husband cry like a little baby until he got what he wanted. What the fuck is there to be proud of? Why does everyone assume Homer’s going to get on stage and be a rock star? Wouldn’t they care more about seeing the Rolling fucking Stones perform than this fat idiot?
– I hate everything about this ending… except (“Test one, test two, test three, test four, you test me like the water in El Salvador!” “Wooo! El Salvador!”)
– Actually, the biggest laugh I got was at the end when Keith Richards takes a drag off his cigarette while Mick Jaggar is talking. He blows out smoke, then it just holds on his open mouth, so while the scene goes on for another three more seconds, Richards is just standing there wall-eyed with his mouth open. It’s kind of telling when my favorite part of the episode is an animation mistake.

(originally aired November 3, 2002)
Here’s the part where I talk about how depressing it is that these Halloween shows are declining in quality, since I can’t think of any new way to start these. Or I could just jump in immediately. That’s a better idea. “Send in the Clones” is a decidedly goofy segment where Homer buys a magic hammock only to find it creates mindless clones of himself. At first he reaps the benefits, now able to fulfill multiple boring family and work duties at once, but when he finds the clones are capable of terrible things, he abandons them all out of town… along with the hammock. Soon an army of Homers is created and starts destroying the town, and they must be stopped. I kind of like the first half of this, with all the dummy Homers subbing for the real one, but the ending feels kind of lazy. The Homer clones eat everything and all go to the Duff brewery? Come on, that’s too easy. It almost seemed like they were setting up the clones were going to off Homer, which could have been interesting, but then they turn it into a joke (“It would take three clones to kill the original Homer! …I mean, four!”) That’s another odd thing about this segment, where everyone acts so casually and jokey even when there’s strange or horrible things afoot. It’s like a normal episode when the characters don’t seem to care, but even more bizarre here given the fantastical things that are happening. Oh, and the ending was completely obvious too.

“The Fight to Creep and Scare Harms” is really strange, I’m not even sure what to make of it. Lisa sees a tombstone of a young man killed by gun violence, and in response, she pleads with the town to ban all guns. Her wish is granted, but when Springfield is left defenseless, gunmen of the old west rise from the grave, led by the deceased man Lisa was inspired by, William Bonney, aka Billy the Kid. I get the idea here, that without guns, five men are able to completely take over the town with their six shooters, but it really doesn’t feel right. Why can’t they get help from another town over? Then there’s the scene where they’re all at Moe’s, and the whole Simpson family is there of course, why couldn’t anyone else just ambush them with giant bats? Or torch the place? I dunno. South Park unintentionally took this idea (Simpsons did it!) in their “Pinewood Derby” episode, but it works a lot better there. Then Homer steals Frink’s time machine, goes back and has everyone repeatedly shoot the graves of the dead ghouls, causing them to rise and run like hell, and Lisa cops that guns are the answer. I can’t even say I hate this one, even though I want to, because I feel I really don’t understand what they were going for. I’m still puzzled.

“The Island of Dr. Hibbert” is the only segment that kind of works… kind of. The Simpsons vacation on an island resort run by Dr. Hibbert, who had long ago gone mad. Turns out it wasn’t the best idea, as Hibbert has been spending his days turning humans into animals, and the Simpsons are next on the chopping block. Seeing all the animal-ized characters is visually interesting in how it reflects their characters, like Agnes Skinner as a kangaroo with Skinner in her pouch, Wiggum as a pig (not much to change there), and of course Disco Shrew. But why is Dr. Hibbert doing this? He has one mad spiel about how he feels humans should never have evolved, but it doesn’t really fit who he is. It’s basically they wanted to do a Island of Dr. Moreau parody, and figured they had to go with Hibbert since he’s the doctor character they have. I almost feel like an idiot talking about reason or sense in a Halloween show, but you need at least some in there. Burns and Willie work as villains since they’re already crass and mean, but Hibbert, not so much. But this is the best of the three segments, though that’s not saying an awful lot. Definitely the worst Halloween show so far, though I have a creeping feeling I’ll be repeating that in later seasons.

Tidbits and Quotes
– The opening seance with Maude, voiced again at long last by Maggie Roswell, felt uncomfortable to me, and really showed how the writers had no concern about dealing with offing Maude, to create such crass comedy about senselessly killing the wife of an important character (“Maude! You look as pretty as the day I buried you!”) It kind of made me cringe. And not much has changed: the latest Halloween show where they pathetically tried to parody Dexter showed a devilish Maude apparently being Satan’s love slave. What the fuck, guys?
– Really, why didn’t the first segment end with the Homer clones trying to get rid of Homer? It was set up, it makes the most sense, hell, they even released a promo card of the clones ganging up on the original. They could intimidate him with their dumb clone voices, and it could be creepy and weird, but still funny since they’re mindless Homers. But instead we’ll end with getting rid of them with helicopters carrying giant donuts. The potential for creepiness and scares in these Halloween shows is basically gone, and been replaced by the same sad attempts at comedy we see in the show proper.
– The only joke in the first segment I like is the slow bit where Homer shoots the clones that know how to get back into town. It’s pretty well timed. I didn’t even laugh at Peter Griffin in the sea of clones. Any pot shots the show makes at other media nowadays feels kind of toothless, given how poor the series has gotten.
– Going off of “Poppa’s Got a Brand New Badge,” I weirdly didn’t mind Maggie shooting all the mobsters in that episode, but her being a master marksman becoming one of her personality traits is something that’s not so cool with me. So here we are, an episode later, doing a gag showing a giant box labeled “Maggie’s Guns.” It’s a Halloween show, but still, what?
– The only joke in the second segment I like is when Billy gets upset when Homer starts playing piano. He said to play pian-ee, which is more like jangly old Western-type music.
– Why does Frink pull Homer aside to tell him about the time machine? Why the fuck didn’t he just go back in time himself? They didn’t even bother to explain it.
– Turkey Frink’s dying speech is good, but kind of went on too long.
– I love whenever Marge attempts to be funny (“‘House of Pain’? This must be where you pay the bill!”)
– I have no doubt that cat creature Marge set off signals for a lot of furries out there. Even though it’s so dumb that he didn’t notice, I love how shocked Homer is by it after the fact (“Oh my God! She’s become a monster! Which I have to admit, I sort of suspected during the sex.”)
– Why would Hibbert turn Flanders into a female cow? Because we need a joke where Homer has to milk someone he doesn’t like. Why not make it Patty or Selma? Actually… no, that would be incredibly creepy…
– I like that Comic Book Guy is the leader of the “manimal” clan. It kind of fits him that he, normally an social outcast, would be on top in this fantastical situation.
– Kang and Kodos get wedged in at the end. They’re feeling more and more like an afterthought in the last couple specials. They deserve more, dammit! (“Look at that island! It’s shaped like our number four!” “Makes you think.”)

(originally aired May 22, 2002)
A serviceable set-up and overall premise gets squandered when the episode gets to its third act realizing it really has nowhere to go, so they throw on a “climactic” ending and calls it quits. But I actually didn’t mind everything that preceded it. Most of it isn’t fantastic, but it certainly is a lot better than a lot of the shit we’ve seen this season. A massive heat wave strikes Springfield, giving us a nice series of gags, a fair amount of them hitting their marks. Homer plugs in one too many things, causing a town-wide blackout, which results in a massive riot, filled with looting and destruction. The police force, of course, are of absolutely no help. Among those affected is Lisa, whose Malibu Stacey dolls are stolen, and Homer vows to get them back. Him standing up for Lisa kind of feels like “Hungry, Hungry Homer,” except it works better here because it fits in with the story more cohesively, and returning stolen items makes more sense than getting one stupid piece from a Blocko set that is purposely left out of each set.

Feeling the rush of doing good, Homer decides to start his own home security company SpringShield, with Lenny and Carl as his fellow officers. Unqualified and ignorant? Sure, but it doesn’t matter, as they soon become the most trusted protectors in Springfield. How? I’m not entirely sure. We don’t really have any scenes of the three working or doing anything. Homer returns the items he stole from Flanders, we see their commercial, then we see them basking in the town’s glory. It’s like there are scenes missing of them actually doing their job and earning their accolades. So much material left unfulfilled, of them getting tip-offs and information, working the beat, scoping out crimes… instead we just skip ahead to Quimby outing Wiggum and handing over the precinct to SpringShield. After one last bust, Springfield is declared crime-free. How did Homer do all this? Later he comments how he actually wasn’t lazy and incompetent for once in his life, but we never really see why or how. The story could have had more resonance if we saw something like Homer’s passion for assisting the downtrodden made him really good at his job, but even then that seems so alien to the lazy oafish Homer we love, but it would have been something.

Said last bust was on Fat Tony and his associates, who for some reason are trying to pass off ferrets as poodles with cotton balls. Though he had been taken to jail the scene before, Tony announces over the radio that he intends to mow down Homer the next day, and calls in his fellow mobsters from Jersey to assist. You can see where this is going: a Sopranos parody! This marks a first for the show: “parodying” a currently popular show/movie/whatever. And when I say “parody,” I mean just duplicate. They have Tony driving to the Simpson house a la the Sopranos opening, with the same music and everything… but it’s not really a parody. It’s just them doing the Sopranos opening, there’s no commentary on it or satire, it’s just a reference. Something I vehemently decry a show like Family Guy doing, this show has been doing quite a lot of for the most recent decade or so. So Homer faces down seven armed gangsters, how does he get out of it? A random gunman disarms them all. Who was it? Sweet little Maggie, armed with a rifled up in her bedroom. A pretty sorry deus ex machina, but honestly, after the fiasco ending of “The Frying Game,” anything looks logical in comparison. As ridiculous of a premise as it was, I still think this one could have worked, but it just kind of fell apart as it went along.

Tidbits and Quotes
– Because FOX is very silly, I remember they dubbed “The Frying Game” as the season finale, then aired this one on Wednesday as a special “bonus” episode. Might as well have aired them on the same night as an hour-long finale or something.
– After so many instances in a row seeing him weak and wimpy, it’s a breath of fresh air to get a classic sinister Burns line, when Quimby asks him if his plant can handle the recent surge in power use (“We’ve siphoned off extra power from the orphanage. Who are they going to complain to? Their parents?”)
– I really love Homer’s panicked “Jingle Bell what?!” when the power goes out and the Santa robot stops his song mid-verse.
– I like the bit of Lenny and Carl talking on the phones to each other while driving and colliding their cars, but then it’s dampened by them just getting out with no reaction and resolving to just start stealing shit.
– I love the Kent Brockman/Arnie Pye feud (“This city has exploded in a fireball of pent up rage!” “I think what the viewers want to know, Arnie, is my house okay?” “You mean is your giant castle okay, Kent?!” “Don’t hate me because I bought at the right time, Arnie!” “When’s my right time, Kent? When’s my right time?!”)
– At the wake of the riot, Quimby announces the formation of a blue ribbon committee, which immediately placates the crowd and they all leave. I guess that’s the joke, since the committee is never heard of or mentioned again, but maybe like a contented smirk from Quimby at the end would have sold it better.
– There’s a shocking amount of classic Homer here, with him actually acknowledging that he did something wrong and wanting to do something about it. I love his quick back-and-forth with the Wooly Bully owner (“You sell hats?” “Yeah.” “To people?” “Maybe.” “People with heads?” “Sometimes.”) Then Jimbo walks right into his clutches in the most convenient of ways (“You’re going to juvie.” “But I just got out of juvie!” “Good, because I need directions.”)
– Classic bit with Apu’s silent alarm (“SILENT ALARM ACTIVATED!”)
– Homer plows through a long list of his previous occupations as a goof, and of course about eighty percent of them are from the last five seasons.
– The commercial’s got some good lines in it (“Have no fear! SpringShield’s present!” “Monster put in wallet.”) I also like Homer and Marge’s commentary after it (“You know, the old lady’s apartment was actually Lenny’s. We just used a different duvet cover.” “Well they’re both lovely.”)
– Homer pleading for help at the church, Lenny and Carl locking themselves in jail, the whole third act just feels very haphazard. It just doesn’t feel right, I dunno…
– As dumb as it is, part of me kind of likes Maggie shooting the mobsters. For one thing, it’s a large callback to when Homer leaves his gun in Maggie’s crib from “Mom and Pop Art,” though there’s no way in hell that was intentional. I also like Homer’s comment, “She’s just like Clark Kent. When there’s lots of excitement, she’s nowhere to be found.”

Season 13 Final Thoughts
After slogging through some of the worst episodes to come out of the Mike Scully era, we move onto Al Jean’s reign, and any hope that he might elevate the series in quality a bit was pretty much dashed instantaneously. In fact, the show may have even shifted down a bit. As bad as some of the Scully shows were, at least they had a distinct tone and feel to them. The Jean episodes all feel like a wash of attempted sentiment, self-reference and characters being yammering joke boxes. The cast continues to feel less like real people and more as caricatures, spewing lines that feel written instead of natural, the comedy is more broad and punchy, and the stories are completely lazy, and at worse disregarded. I was shocked at the sloppy nature of a lot of these episodes. These people should be professionals writing this show, but there will not only be gaping plot holes, but openly pointing out the plot holes and laughing at the audience about it. I’ve basically given up any hope of a return to form. At the very least what I expect from these seven seasons left is for an average level of humor, but even that I’m feeling I’m asking too much.

The Best
“Half-Decent Proposal,” “Tales From the Public Domain,” “I Am Furious (Yellow)”

The Worst
“The Parent Rap,” “Homer the Moe,” “A Hunka Hunka Burns in Love,” “Brawl in the Family,” “The Frying Game” I guess I’ll also give “Gump Roast” a (dis)honorable mention as well.

(originally aired May 19, 2002)
As of late, this show has seemed to be very unconcerned whether its stories contain little things like logic, or sense, or cohesion, or reason. Certain elements or plot turns in recent episodes are so baffling that the writers couldn’t have not noticed them. They must have figured they were funny and wanted you to laugh at them. But this is the motherfucking grand daddy of them all, the ultimate batshit insane episode, with a plot that is so convoluted and ridiculous, all leading up to the most insulting cop-out ending I’ve ever seen. So let’s jump right into this fuck fest. Homer buys Marge a koi pond, which ends up being the chosen habitat for an annoying little creature called the screamapillar (three guesses what it does.) An EPA agent informs the family they have to care for it, as it is an endangered species. How does he show up? He just appears out from behind a tree thinner than himself. This has happened previously with Fat Tony in “Grift of the Magi,” but at least there, it worked a little since Tony is a shady character waiting for opportunity to rear its head. The EPA agent just shows up in the backyard, and then shows up again landing with a giant fucking helicopter in the middle of the night. Who is this guy? What is happening?

Homer accidentally crushes the annoying bug, and ends up serving community service doing Meals on Wheels. On the job, he builds a relationship with kindly old lady Mrs. Bellamy, who quickly turns on a dime, becoming an emotionally manipulative woman who makes Homer and Marge into her servants. This makes no sense, and it happens so suddenly since there’s so much shit to cram into this episode. She calls Homer at work for a favor, then the next scene we see he’s been run ragged, Marge goes to talk with her and she exposes her true colors. Then all of a sudden Homer and Marge are in fucking maid outfits in her house. Why? They initially don’t want to be rude to this nice old lady, but it soon became very clear that she’s a using bitch, so what’s keeping them there? One night, Mrs. Bellamy is stabbed, and Homer and Marge witness the killer escaping. But with the old lady’s will having been recently changed to leave them her inheritance, they are quickly made top suspects. After killing time with Homer abusing the fact that people think he’s a murderer, police search the Simpson house, and after finding Mrs. Bellamy’s diamond necklace, Homer and Marge are arrested.

So here’s the thing. As far as this episode goes with this, the audience knows Homer and Marge won’t be put to death, or get life in prison. No matter what, nothing bad is gonna happen. We know this, but on the flip side of the same coin, the characters don’t know this. Think back to “One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish,” where Homer thought he was going to die, and it’s treated with a tone to match, but still managed to be hilarious and fantastic. Here, Homer doesn’t seem the least bit worried about anything, since he’s being his wacky cartoon self. The only point in which he gets serious is on the walk to the electric chair, though really only because they wanted to do a Green Mile parody. The foreman of the jury cracks a joke with Judge Snyder, the Catholic priest and Lovejoy have a fist fight, Homer pressures his wife to have sex between prison bars… the story isn’t treated with a lick of seriousness or care whatsoever. If none of the characters are concerned about their situation, then why should we be? But here comes the ending. Homer’s in the electric chair, the switch is thrown… and it turns out it was all a ruse, as the whole thing was being filmed for a wacky FOX reality show, “Frame-Up.” And nobody knew about it. The questions are endless: how did no one notice any cameras? What kind of magic body suit did Carmen Electra wear to make her look like an old woman? Did FOX infiltrate the police force and the jury system to get the desired results for their program? And on top of that, wouldn’t Homer, Marge and everyone else have to sign agreements allowing FOX to use their likenesses on television? After this whole charade, you think anyone would be receptive to that? They’d have shot all that footage, wasted all that time, all for shit they can’t use. BUT maybe it could have worked. The episode would have been just as insulting, but they could have had Homer decry the producers for manipulating with people’s lives like he does here, then when one of them shoves a contract under his nose saying he’ll be on TV, he signs up immediately. They kind of do that with Wiggum, but in the capacity of explaining how bullshit the ending was and try to sweep it under the rug. But with Homer, it would work since he was the most affected. Instead we’ll just have him stare at Electra’s breasts. Hysterical. Mind-numbingly awful from start to finish, I hereby dub thee the newest worst episode ever.

Tidbits and Quotes
– When Lenny and Carl ask him for advice on marriage, Homer rattles off some joke answers off the top of his head (“Surprise her with a pasta salad! Put a mini beret on your wang!”) And now that’s all I can picture… Goddammit.
– All the screamapillar stuff is so annoying. I mean, outside the screaming. It’s such a convoluted and stupid way to get Homer doing community service. But then you think about the ending and think, well, did FOX plant the screamapillar there to get the ball rolling? At what point did this whole plot begin? Then I stop thinking about it because my head hurts. Then the bug appears in court with a neck brace, and again at Homer’s execution, laughing hysterically. Because of course bugs can do that. Fuck. I did like Homer being charged with “attempted insecticide and aggravated buggery,” a nice sort of subtle dirty joke for once.
– Homer’s stuck doing Meals on Wheels. First up, the home of Crazy Old Man. Except he lives in the Retirement Castle, right? Well, why should we come up with a new old person character to use in a twenty second scene when we can use one of our regulars? Nobody will notice. Or care. And if you do, then you can suck it.
– The first act break is the biggest fucking cheat. Homer hides in the closet and finds a skeleton there. An actual, physical skeleton. Then after the break, Bellamy reveals it’s just a costume, a shirt and pants set with a skeleton just painted on. But it was an actual fucking skeleton. We just saw it. People watch this shit before they put it on the air, right? And Bellamy using a gigantic axe to cut through her steak is pretty insulting. What about a big knife? Just… whatever.
– Mrs. Bellamy is voiced by Cloris Leachman, and then later the character is revealed to actually be Carmen Electra, who not only is wearing the world’s most convincing prosthetics, but deserves an in-universe Emmy for her work here. She sounds just like that old lady! Now, here’s a thought. Why couldn’t they have gotten an actress who can be well-known, but is also someone who can do a convincing old lady voice. That way when you do your ridiculous reveal, at least I can meet you halfway. But no, that’s too much work, let’s just do more stunt casting.
– The scene where Homer gets Burns to cover for him is just dreadful. Burns as a character is essentially dead to me. Who was once a convincing and compelling villain is now just a cheap joke, much like every other character now.
– Even the simple jokes don’t make sense anymore. Marge informs Homer of the chores he hasn’t finished, like filling up the aquarium. We see the fish tank is overflowing with a fish clinging on for dear life. So, no one could have just turned off that hose? Ridiculous.
– Mrs. Bellamy has some guests over for an old lady get-together: Agnes Skinner, Mrs. Glick and the wealthy dowager. Again, we’ll just use all the old ladies we have at our disposal, regardless of what sense it makes. Bellamy is openly a mean old witch at this point. Agnes makes sense to be there, and maybe even the dowager, but kindly old Mrs. Glick laughing derisively at Skinner? I don’t see it.
– Exposing Wiggum’s pathetic attempts at interrogation, Homer contently says, “Book ’em, Lou!” So Lou puts Wiggum in handcuffs and leads him out. This is fucking crap, Lou’s supposed to be the competent cop, why is this happening?
– Every scene here makes no sense. Here’s a perfect example. At Moe’s, everyone is talking about how shocked they are at Homer being a murderer. Homer walks in, haphazardly saying he’d “kill” for a beer. Seeing Moe quickly and nervously give him one, he decides to abuse this privilege and get more stuff out of fear. Now this is an alright set-up, albeit a little dickish from Homer, but it works because it comes from the characters acting somewhat genuine. Then we have this (“Give me some peanuts!” “Ah, ah! You didn’t say you’d kill me!”) Now that the writers have made the characters acknowledge the bit, the scene is ruined, since it’s not real anymore. This happens all the time. Is it that hard to understand?
– Wiggum personally searches through all of Marge’s underwear, so I guess he’s a pervert now. I don’t like that.
– I briefly mentioned all the shit leading up to the ending, and the ending itself, and I really don’t feel like talking about it anymore. It’s really the biggest middle finger the writers have ever given to the audience, like “The Great Money Caper” times a thousand. But before that, we have the only good bit in the entire episode, where Wiggum tells a scared Homer who’s strapped in the electric chair (“Chin up, Homer. We gotta put an electrode there to ground the brain stem. Thank you.”) The only laugh I got this whole episode. One small pearl in a sea of shit, I guess.

(originally aired May 12, 2002)
There seemed to be potential in this premise, but ultimately it went unfulfilled, thanks to some lapses in logic and an unusually irrelevant third act. And a padded B “plot” didn’t help either. In order to not fail gym, Lisa must take athletic classes with an outside coach. Here we get the return of Coach Lugash, who is hands-down the best thing in this episode. I love Dan Castallaneta’s loud, boisterous read as he’s screaming at little girls that they’re going to be killed by poisonous snakes. I’m all for yelling at children, it’s comedic gold. So Lisa is in class with two other girls, who she discovers have intellectual hobbies just like her, and then finds out they’re actually both in college. Now, Lisa’s eight years old, let’s say she’s around four foot? These other girls are maybe about a foot taller than her, so I guess they could pass for extremely petite adults. But them mistaking Lisa, a child, as a college student? I just don’t see it. Plus, in the class, Lisa asks Lugash if she’ll be able to pass gym with the girls standing right there. The fact that she is in elementary school had to come up at some point during all of this. It’s a big leap, but strangely not the worst of this episode’s issues.

So Lisa starts passing herself off as a college student to keep her new friends, sneaking off during school to assimilate herself on campus. She also sit in on lectures, which also is possible. But then they make jokes that the one girl cheated off Lisa’s test and that she got sixteen credits, how is that possible? She’s not registered for any classes, she wouldn’t be able to do that. Maybe since I’m sure Springfield University isn’t the most stable institution, she managed to trick some teachers into getting her name on their attendance sheets or something. But that would have been interesting and amusing to see! Instead we have time filler with Bart in a plastic bubble, a temporary health measure when he contracts panda virus from a Chinese mosquito. Then it just becomes a goofy cartoon, with various over-the-top gags involving the bubble. Bart is embarrassed by the bubble in the first scene, but then after that he’s as cocky as ever, and even has developed a catch phrase for himself as new savior for nerds on the playground. All in all, it’s more time I wish we had devoted to the Lisa story, as it actually had… y’know, a purpose.

Milhouse notices Lisa sneaking out during recess, and he, Martin and Database follow her. They find her in a lecture hall and call her out on being a kid, exposing her charade to everyone, including Lisa’s new friends. This is the end of act two. At this point, this feels like “Summer at 4 Ft. 2,” where Lisa gets new friends pretending to be someone she’s not, and in the end she must be true to herself, and that’s what her friends liked about her in the first place. So do we see the two girls in the third act? Nope. It doesn’t really matter, since they’re not even characters. But one scene of them maybe still being bitter and not wanting to hang out with a kid would have been worth it. Does Lisa feel vindictive toward Milhouse for ruining her ruse? Nope. So what is the third act? Lisa feels ostracized from the other kids at school and wants to fit in again. Now, when did she ever fit in to begin with? Lisa’s an outcast from everyone else, that’s her role in the show. She never was accepted at the school before. So Bart lends Lisa his bubble to play a prank on Skinner and she’s celebrated by the kids, and everything is alright. What? Now, this might have worked if actually set this up. Maybe it’s like “Lard of the Dance” where Lisa realizes she has so many short years to stay a kid and decides to indulge in childish pranks and hold off on college for a while, and then the ending would make sense. But instead, it’s all from Lisa’s sadness of kids mocking her for being smart, which they already did all the time. This episode could have been worthwhile, but ultimately ended up kind of… shit.

Tidbits and Quotes
– I’m not sure if we saw Mrs. Pommelhorst before this, but I kind of like the character, a burly, butch, no nonsense gym teacher with a Tress MacNeille voice I can stomach. Later the writers thought it would be hysterical to make multiple jokes about how she was getting a sex change. Get it? Because if you’re a woman and you seem really masculine, that means you want to get a sex change!
– To convince her to take Lugash’s class, Lisa has a hallucination of meeting President Kennedy, convincing her that athletics are just as important as academics. It’s a very confusing and pointless sequence, with the only joke being that Kennedy is in hell, I guess. Scathing!
– I love the design of the Krusty poster in the Chinese sweat shop. The sweat shop itself is a bit of an easy joke though.
– Lugash’s explanation of Lisa’s aerodynamic qualities is great (“God give you greatest gift: big head! Like beach ball made of bone! Gives you perfect balance! See you tomorrow! Rest your giant head!”)
– Robert Pinsky guest stars and does a fine job, although I think I like the material of the emcee introducing him better (“Now open your minds for the Coltrane of the quatrain, the Tony Danza of the AB stanza!”)
– Lisa comes to campus to find it completely deserted. Turns out everyone’s taking Anthro 101: Passive Analysis of Visual Iconography. The class just watches Itchy & Scratchy cartoons, and projects their own messages and meanings to them (“It show show the depletion of our natural resources has pitted our small farmers against each other.” “Yes, and birds go tweet. What else?”)
– I’m surprised they brought back Lisa’s gymnast skills to get her up the tree, and that they even merged the two stories at all in the end. And it all might have worked if they set it up in a way that made sense for Lisa.
– In the end, we get this golden gem from Ralph (“Look! It’s Lisa! And she’s winning us back!”) I can’t express how much I hate this line. Combined with the nonsensical third act turn, it being Ralph saying it, and the completely insincere nature of the line… it’s awful. It may be my least favorite line in the whole series, though there are probably others that are worse. What’s your least favorite line ever? Send me a message at idontgiveacrap@whocaresyoustupiddipshitasshole.net. Just kidding. Just post a comment.