235. Grift of the Magi

(originally aired December 19, 1999)
I don’t know if any personal nostalgia is taking over, but as rough as this season is, there’s still quite a number of iconic elements in it. Funzo is one of them, the result of tireless market research cobbling together every conceivably dumb want a kid could ask for in a toy. It’s an abjectly pandering, soulless corporate money-making machine, and as such, Funzo is creepy as hell. This is a pretty solid Christmas show, taking a look at the capitalist side of the holiday, aping on the then-recent frenzies over toys like Furby and Tickle Me Elmo. Our path to get here is a bit silly, but it kind of works. Bart ends up with his ass in a cast and Skinner is forced to finally make his school handicap accessible. And by ‘forced,’ I mean bamboozled by Fat Tony and his goons, who construct ridiculous ramps all around the building which instantly collapse upon its grand opening. While it feels a little dumb that they’d seriously make it out of bread sticks, and Skinner is a bit too wimpy in not raising complaints earlier, it’s the level of stupid that is ridiculous, but doesn’t go too far as to not be funny.

In order to pay off the mob, Springfield Elementary must close its doors. But before long, they reopen, thanks to the efforts of Kid First Industries, who aim to engage kids by talking about their favorite toys and why they love them. I really like this conceit; similar to how junk food and soda companies want their products and brands present in schools, this is the next step: completely usurping children’s education in order to do market research to make their dumb toys sell well. Lisa eventually discovers what’s going on, just in time for Kid First to get out of dodge and use their ill-gotten information to unleash a new toy unto the world. Enter Funzo, a precocious Furby-like creature who boasts everything a kid could want, regardless of any purpose to the toy itself. The marketing campaign is quite aggressive (“Funzo! Funzo! Funzo! If you don’t have Funzo, you’re nothin’!”) The toy of course is a humungous hit, with the two Kid First heads eating up the footage of people getting trampled at local stores trying to get their hands on the new hot toy.

As if this isn’t bad enough, Bart and Lisa are shocked to find that the Funzo dolls are literally wiping out their competition as it proceeds to destroy all their other toys. A visit to Kid First ends up being fruitless, so they’re left to resort to other measures. They enlist Homer to sneak into everyone’s houses on Christmas Eve to confiscate all the Funzos and destroy them. Their plan goes off without a hitch, until the arrival of security guard Gary Coleman. He initially appears as a superfluous cameo, but he gets a fair share of great lines and I love how the plot is “resolved” as he and the Simpsons have a long discussion over the corporate hijacking of Xmas, before coming to a sound conclusion (“Lets just agree that the commercialization of Christmas is, at best, a mixed blessing.” “Amen.”) This is a pretty great episode, with a thoughtful core topic, lots of great bits, and kind of a heartwarming ending, as holiday story cliches fly hard and fast, including one to explain how the school ultimately reopened. And especially compared to the last Xmas show, this one is pretty golden.

Tidbits and Quotes
– Not sure why Marge has a box of wigs in her closet. I like Homer’s thought process upon walking in on Bart and Milhouse (“What’s going on?! And I want a non-gay explanation!” “Uh… we’re drunk. Really drunk.” “Oh, thank God.”)
– Bart’s butt cast is pretty silly, but I do like the family laughing at hearing Hibbet say ‘coccyx’ (even Marge), and the medical interns vigorously taking notes staring at Bart’s ass. And good thing Hibbert installed that viewing window, how else would he… relieve himself?
– I do think Skinner is a bit too wimpy, but Fat Tony’s got some great lines here (“Do we really need all those ramps?” “Who’s to say? Does a peacock need all those feathers?” “Look, you’re getting a little philosophical for me.” “I suppose so. They say it happens in the autumn years.”) We also get the great line, “I don’t get mad. I get stabby.”
– Great speech from Skinner at the groundbreaking ceremony (“This is a proud day. Now when people ask if we’re in compliance the Americans with Disabilities Act of 1975, I can say, we are closer than ever before! To inaugurate our ramp system, here’s the first of what I hope will be many disabled students, Bart Simpson!”)
– I love Milhouse’s explosive enthusiasm of describing his dream toy (“Its eyes should be telescopes! No, periscopes! No, microscopes! Can you come back to me?”)
– It’s great how the name that Lisa gives off the top of her head ultimately becomes the name of the toy. It shows just how little thought the company is willing to put into these things. Also great is the role reversal of Lisa having to write on the chalkboard as punishment for doing math in class. Bart eats it up (“Lisa’s in trouble. The ironing is delicious.” “The word is ‘irony’.” “Huh?”)
– Classic bit from Krusty as he signs off for the season (“So, have a merry Christmas, a happy Hanukkah, a kwazy Kwanza, a tip-top Tet, and a solemn, dignified Ramadan. Now a word from my god: our sponsor.”)
– I love the ridiculous accessories you can get for Funzo: Funzo’s dream fortress, Funzo’s lower back pain chair, Funzo’s European Voltage converter…
– More great Springfield mob mentality as Lenny breaks through the glass store door with a giant candy cane and the masses rush to get their Funzos. Lindsay Naegle, watching on a security feed, says she’d like it more if there were some trampling. Cut to Moe getting stampeded over (“Ow! Now why would you wear cleats to a store?!”)
– The best line of the show comes from Coleman, pulling up to bust Homer, Bart and Lisa (“Well, what do we have here? Looks like the biggest rip-off since Webster!”)