(originally aired March 24, 1996)
Troy McClure is pretty much a gag character, a washed-up actor from another era trying to keep himself relevant (and get paid) doing crummy infomercials and instructional videos. This episode is extremely fascinating as we see a more human side to the character, or at least whatever humanity he has left in him. Reported to pass an eye test at the DMV, he crosses paths with Selma, whom he sweet talks into getting his license OK’d in exchange for a date. Right off we establish Troy as a man desperately clinging to his past fame: his slight disappointment that Chief Wiggum doesn’t recognize him almost comes through his phony smiling facade. He clearly has no interest in Selma during their date, at least until paparazzi take notice, when Troy quickly finds that having a healthy relationship is just the thing to kick start his career. It isn’t long before he pushes the train forward into marriage, and a starstruck, man-crazy Selma gleefully accepts.

This episode is just so surprising, it’s one of the more serious the series has ever done. The pacing is pretty leisurely, with a lot of scenes of characters talking through situations that are really emotional. A drunken Troy confides with Homer about the phony marriage, which quickly gets to Marge, leading to her confronting Selma about it. Troy is quick to admit to his new wife that their marriage is a sham, but doesn’t see the harm in it: his career is on an upswing, and she’s living the glamorous life she’s always wished for. Seeing how their situation is mutually beneficial, Selma decides to just go along for the ride. It’s just very interesting watching these two opposite characters interact: for all her gruffness, Selma’s actually quiet gentle and genuine, while every word out of Troy’s mouth are empty, self-congratulatory pleasantries. It’s not an episode with the biggest laughs, aside from the Planet of the Apes musical, of course (one of the best bits of the entire series,) It’s an odd breed of episode where you’re not really laughing that much but you’re still extremely engaged in this adult story.

Troy finds that he can boost his image even further by having a baby, an idea Selma is lukewarm about, but, having always wanted a child, she agrees to. The scene where the two attempt to get in the mood is so very bizarre. Selma attempts to be beguiling, and Troy… I have no idea what the hell he’s doing. There’s the ongoing gag about his bizarre fish fetish (what that is exactly, I’m not even going to think about), but really, what is his sexuality? He doesn’t even seem to fathom how sex operates. He exists in this vacuum of fame where anything coming close to an actual emotion doesn’t even permeate. Coming off this energy, Selma concludes that while she and Troy’s loveless marriage may be fine for them, but she can’t bring a child into this world in this situation, and with that, she bids Troy adieu. Even in its climax and conclusion, this episode is so low-key and subdued, but very powerful, ending with two adults coming to a realization and going their separate ways. It’s an episode we haven’t seen much of, and probably won’t ever again. This show doesn’t always have to be a laugh riot. Sometimes we can have more intimate shows with our minor characters, with the Simpsons peeking in every once and a while. The series features a rich universe, full of different characters and emotions, waiting to be explored. Or we can have Homer take up another job. That’ll be funny.

Tidbits and Quotes
– Watching this episode makes me all the more sad that Phil Hartman is dead. There were talks that he was interested in starring in a live-action Troy McClure movie, and honestly, doesn’t that sound like the most amazing idea ever? It would have been great.
– Though it seems to be displaying the contrary, we open with seeing Troy in his prime starring in “The Muppets Go Medieval.” Big stars were scrambling to be on The Muppet Show in the height of its popularity, so this is McClure at his finest. As a Muppet fan, it’s fun to see. I love whoever’s doing Piggy’s voice’s (Dan Castellaneta?) take on her low serious voice, and Homer’s explanation to the kids on what a Muppet is (“Well, it’s not quite a mop, and it’s not quite a puppet, but man… so to answer your question I don’t know.”)
– Great naive Marge line in response to Homer mentioning McClure’s alleged fetish, where she asserts that he’s a perfect gentleman “like Bing Crosby or JFK.”
– I don’t know why, but it’s somewhat fitting that Troy drives a DeLorean. It’s also great that Wiggum gets knocked in the face by its gull wing doors.
– The constant references to the fish fetish thing are so discomforting (“Hot damn! I’m going to Sea World!”) We see his house has a giant aquarium too. It’s so strange… like what is it? Then I think back to a horrifying, horrifying drawing I saw online and I stop thinking of it. I’m not going to say what it is, and certainly not going to try and find it and post it, but it involves Troy doing unnatural things to poor three-eyed Blinky.
– The Pimento Grove is freeze frame central with all the celebrity portraits on the wall, both real and Springfield-adjacent celebrities we’ve seen on the show before. Troy’s portrait is on the doggie door.
– Troy kissing Selma ends up on Page Ten above a column “Look Who’s Drunk” with a very inebriated Rainier Wolfcastle.
– It’s perfect how the upscale restaurant crowd turns on Selma like a rabid animal when she attempts to light a cigarette (“Excuse me, I ordered a Zima, not emphysema.” “Please, don’t smoke in our restaurant; we don’t serve contemporary Californian cuisine in your lungs.”) Also great how it turns into a romantic moment when Troy puffs up with Selma outside.
– “Stop the Planet of the Apes, I Want to Get Off!” is brilliant. And I think it should be turned into an actual musical. And why not? They made Spider-Man a musical, why not this? I could totally see it, and I would love it. And if no one else is gonna do it, then I’ll write it. One of these days. “You’ve Finally Made a Monkey Out Of Me” rivals “A Stranger’s Just a Friend You Haven’t Met” for best song of the series .It’s the perfect finale for a musical version of the film. The “I love you, Dr. Zaius!” at the end seals the deal.
– I love Selma’s fashionable outfits throughout the show, a non-verbal indicator of how she’s enjoying the good life.
– Classic bit when Lovejoy asks those to speak now or forever hold their peace at Troy and Selma’s wedding. Close-in on Homer… “Na na na na na, hey!” I only know the song by that, but it’s actually “Rock ‘N’ Roll Part Two” by Gary Glitter.
– I love how non-plussed Troy is at his own wedding, with their nuptial photo just him mugging for the camera, and when Selma says it’s the best day of her life, he proclaims, “It’s a good day for me too, baby!”
– I haven’t mentioned Jeff Goldblum as Troy’s agent MacArthur Parker, but he does a swell job. He’s almost more cold and disconnected than Troy (“You and your, er, wife have gotta have a baby.”) When Troy asks how, he says he’ll send him a pamphlet. I’m still confused about this, is it like Troy’s so disconnected from reality in being a big star in his mind he literally cannot function without being told what to do? I’ve never pondered this much about a cartoon character’s sex life before… He starred in “The Erotic Adventures of Hercules” for God’s sakes, he must know something!
– I guess I’ll end with this: The Contrabulous Fabtraption of Professor Horatio Hufnagel. I’d watch it right after the live-action Troy McClure movie. The perfect double bill.

(originally aired March 17, 1996)
Itchy & Scratchy has always been the show’s outlet to animation parodies, and this episode is absolutely no exception. For a cartoon nut like me, this show is a treat, with so many different kinds of animation and allusions to toon history. Some of the most iconic characters of the medium have shaky histories as to who created what. Felix the Cat was conceived by Otto Messmer, but heavily marketed by Pat Sullivan. Ub Iwerks animated most of Walt Disney’s “Steamboat Willie.” And here, we have our own cartoon controversy: Bart comes upon penniless bum Chester Lampwick (voiced by Kirk Douglas), who claims he created the character of Itchy, having the original 1919 film to prove it. Sadly, upon one screening to prove it to Bart, the film burns up in the projector, but that’s enough to make Bart vow to get Lampwick the rightful credit (and cash) he deserves. Hope appears lost during an ensuing trial until Bart uncovers a message written to Roger Myers, Sr. from Lampwick on an old production drawing, vindicating him. However, the huge cash settlement results in the immediate shutdown of Itchy & Scratchy Studios.

The animation references in this episode are amazing, from the original Itchy cartoon filled with the anarchic spirit of old 30s cartoons, to the R. Crumb-styled “Fritz the Cat” crossover. Most astounding is “Amendment to Be,” the Schoolhouse Rock-inspired segment. It’s absolutely flawless, it couldn’t have captured the source material better. If not for the Simpsons-esque overbites, you could easily place that into rotation with other Schoolhouse segments and no one probably would notice. Getting Jack Sheldon, who voiced the Bill in the parodied segment, is genius, and he does such a phenomenal job. On top of everything else, it even has a great political slant in its ending, as the ratified anti-flag burning amendment opens precedent, allowing all of the crazy and nutty bills to storm Congress. Also fantastic is Roger Meyers, Jr.’s outburst in court, claiming that all animation was built on plagiarism, referencing The Honeymooners predating The Flintstones, Huckleberry Hound aping Andy Griffith, and our very own Chief Wiggum being just a riff on Edward G. Robison (in the court room, Wiggum acknowledges this reference with an odd look.) He finishes his rant with a spectacular line (“Your honor, you take away our right to steal ideas, where are they gonna come from?”)

The third act is pretty great, in a bizarre sort of way. After getting his millions, Lampwick becomes of absolutely no help to Bart. He’s a man who once may have had artistic integrity and a desire to make cartoons, but now, after decades of sitting in the gutter, his only ambition was to get the money he had coming to him, and now that he’s got it, his life is complete (“I’m not greedy. As long as I’ve got my health, and my millions of dollars and my gold house and my rocket car, I don’t need anything else.”) He couldn’t be less interested in Bart and Lisa’s pleas to reopen I&S Studios, despite owing everything to them. At this point, we get another edition of Bart and Lisa Detective Agency as the two study up on copyright law and statutes of limitations to see if they can overthrow the ruling. This conceit of pint-sized problem solvers has become so ridiculous by now that the writers acknowledge it, giving us a ridiculous meta ending where the day is saved… by two other crime solving kids Lester and Eliza, modeled after the primitive Tracey Ullman-era designs of Bart and Lisa. Who are these two? Where did they come from? Are they from some bizarre parallel universe? Who knows, but as Bart attests so well, there’s something very… unsettling about them.

Tidbits and Quotes
– We get Itchy & Scratchy cartoons as bookends in this show. The one at the start is pretty standard fare (I love Scratchy’s angry eyes as Itchy stirs them in his glass), but the one at the end is really amazing. It starts with a chase through the desert a la Road Runner cartoons. Itchy spots a church and immediately stops to pray. Scratchy is then crushed by the foot of God, who is later revealed to be a mouse, and He and Itchy wink at the camera. What a strange conceit. God created Itchy in His image, so are mice His chosen ones, and cats are scourges of the earth to be killed in horrible, horrible ways? It’s a real thinker.
– This really is the season of Comic Book Guy, he’s been in almost every episode. Not that I’m complaining of course. I love his contemptuous reading of “toodle-oo.”
– The commentary of the Itchy & Scratchy parade is great, with the wooden, stoic male announcer reading his teleprompted lines as unenthusiastically as possible, played against the peppy Suzanne Sommers.
– Right when the parade enters Bumtown, you’re thinking why exactly did they have the parade go through there… then it’s commented on (“This certainly seems to be a poorly planned parade route.”) I love the quick animation and sped up music as the parade guns it out of the sketchy neighborhood.
– All Lampwick needs is a ninety-year-old projector to play his old reel. Where can Bart get such an ancient piece of technology? Springfield Elementary, of course.
– “Manhattan Madness,” the first Itchy cartoon, is absolutely fabulous. Its look and feel is so authentic, as well as the title cards (I love the bit where Milhouse slowly reads it, but gives a small groan when he doesn’t finish in time for the next scene.) Itchy’s mischievous nature is so spot-on too, mirroring the early days of Mickey Mouse. People may only know of “Steamboat Willie” from Mickey gleefully whistling at the helm, but go and watch it and you’ll see Mickey was kind of a dick, abusing animals to get them to play music, totally different from the innocuous corporate logo he would become in later years.
– Bart vouches for the good nature of Roger Meyers, Jr. (“Every Christmas, he goes down to the pound and rescues one cat and one mouse and gives them to a hungry family.”)
– Bart hides Lampwick in the basement to, at first, no suspicion. Homer walks by the basement door and tosses down some change when asked with no reaction, but Lisa is more observant (“Mom, there’s a weird smell and a lot of cursing coming from the basement and Dad’s upstairs.”)
– Lionel Hutz is fabulous as always (“No, money down!”), as are his catalog of surprise witnesses, consisting of a Santa in crutches, John Swartzwelder, and the McCrary twins on their motorbikes.
– I love Grampa and Chester’s furious feud over an unpaid debt about a painted fence. The animation of Grampa leaping over the table and the brawl that ensues is pretty great. And there’s a great callback later when Krusty and Chester have a similar altercation in court, this time over blintzes.
– The Blue Haired Lawyer is at his most contemptuous here, which does make sense given that Hutz literally has no evidence at all to support his client’s claims (“Your famous film, the one you destroyed before the trial and haven’t been able to find another copy of! Oh yes, that film.” “Yes. You don’t have a copy, do you?”)
– I love how recklessly Bart opens up the frame on the drawing Lampwick gives him, busting the frame and the glass, ripping the paper, then callously flinging it up for the judge to catch. Also great that Lampwick calls him “Brad,” showing that he really has no regard for this kid who’s helping him before or after the trial.
– Another Disney reference in showing that Meyers, Sr. has to keep his father’s head in an icebox (now thawing and melting), obviously alluding to the rumor that Uncle Walt is cryogenically frozen somewhere. Alex Rocco’s reading of “You comfortable in there, daddy?” is perplexing to me. I’s like half sincere, half sarcastic, all disturbing.
– I love the resolution to Meyers, Jr.’s plight: finding that his father’s pathetic stick figure creation Manic Mailman was “ripped off” by the postal service’s similarly simply designed Mr. Zip. Also great is how in the middle of the press conference, he draws in extra details on Manic Mailman to make it appear more similar to the other one, eliciting no suspicion at all from the crowd.