(originally aired March 31, 1994)
There have been a handful of episodes this season that have showcased rather flimsy, meandering plot lines. However, laughter can excuse almost anything, and if the episode is funny enough, it usually gets a pass, and can become pretty memorable based on a particularly outstanding joke or two alone. “Bart Gets An Elephant” has probably the loosest premise of any episode so far, and isn’t really the funniest of this season, but damn I still loved it anyway. It’s also pretty memorable despite being so ridiculous; what super fan could forget about Stampy? Stupidity aside, this show does have its share of brilliant moments, and some nice character stuff with Bart, caring for his pet elephant and calling for it like Lassie. As dumb as this episode can get, there’s still an emotional core buried in there somewhere.

We open with an unrelated tangent of Marge forcing the family to do a little spring cleaning around the house. We get a few funny bits here, with Homer treasuring decades-old newspapers and TV Guides and Bart mindlessly erasing a Grant Wood original out of boredom. It also has a great final scene, where two seconds after the house is spotless, it becomes messy again, basically negating the four minutes we’ve just watched. The “plot” kicks in when Bart is the call-in winner for a KBBL radio contest, but rather than take the cash prize, he is adamant on receiving the gag gift: an African elephant. And in the end, that’s what Bart gets; act one ends with an elephant being left on the Simpson lawn. Never mind how those radio numbskulls got their hands on one. I like to think that they stole it from a zoo or an animal sanctuary. From this point, the show becomes a cross between “Lisa’s Pony” in the family must deal with the financial hardship of such an extravagant animal, and the beginning of “Bart’s Inner Child” where Homer starts a home-based racket charging people money to see and ride the elephant.

I hate that I brought up “Lisa’s Pony” just then, because this just isn’t that caliber of episode. Bart cares for Stampy, but nowhere near the wish fulfillment that Princess was to Lisa. But again, this episode is about the laughs. Homer is set on selling Stampy to an ivory dealer (who according to his logic is less likely to harm the elephant compared to someone whose ivory supplies are low). Bart intends to run away with his pet, but Stampy goes on a rampage and ends up missing. The Simpsons end up at the Springfield Tar Pits, and after the elephant saves him from sinking, Homer has a (begrudging) change of heart and gives the animal to a local wildlife preserve. By act three, everything felt very by-the-numbers, like of course Stampy was going to end up at the reserve, and was going to save Homer to get him to change his mind. But even with the pieced-together plot, there are still enough laughs and memorable moments to retain this one’s classic status. Kudos to you, Stampy.

Tidbits and Quotes
– A great line reading on Homer’s confused “D’oh?” when no one fights him on calling dibs to clean the basement. Seeing the horrendous shape the cellar is in, he sees why.
– Nice appearance by President Clinton, playing sax in the Little White Girls Blues Quartet. Moe drives by and yells at him to get back to work. An unbothered Clinton responds, “Make me!”
– I love how sloooow Homer is to process that Bart chooses the elephant over ten thousand dollars; when he finally gets it, he freaks out (“With $10,000, we’d be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like… love!”) Marge recommends double-ply windows, which no one else cares for. Lisa puts in her two cents regarding cruelty to animals, to which Homer shuts her down quick and tells her to go to her room.
– I don’t think this is the first time we’ve seen Bill and Marty, but it’s probably the longest we’ve ever seen them on screen, before or since this. They’re exposed as two chuckle head morons who have to make good with their boss or lose their job. Their attempt to win Bart over by using the money to bribe Skinner to spend a year with his pants at his ankles doesn’t work, so they up the ante by offering to surgically alter him into a bizarre lobster creature (Skinner is not on board: “Now, wait just a minute, that wasn’t discussed with me!”) The final straw is when their boss threatens them with their potential replacement: the DJ 3000, which can play records and dispense inane banter (Bill is impressed. Marty murmurs aside, “Don’t praise the machine.”)
– I like how reckless and destructive Stampy is; they didn’t pull any punches in making him a real animal, unable to comprehend anything that is said to him, at least up until the end. Kind of.
– A really cute bit with Homer noticing a bird perched on Stampy grooming him, then getting a bird of his own (“Mmmm… elephant fresh.”)
– Great running gag of Santa’s Little Helper and Snowball II desperately trying to impress the family, leading up to the dog actually speaking. That “Weee… looovee… yooouu” is the stuff of nightmares.
– More great thick-headed Homer: in the midst of discussing money woes, gawking kids come to the door offering to pay money to see the elephant (“For the ninth time, no!”) That gives him an idea: posting a “Go Away” sign on the lawn. Bart offers up his own sign, charging money to see and ride the elephant, to which Homer says, “I don’t have time to read it. Just give me the gist of it, son.”
– Classic first appearance by Cletus the slack-jawed yokel (“Hey, maw! Look at that pointy-hairded little girl!”)
– Absolutely timeless gag with Stampy marching through the Republican Convention (“We want what’s worst for everyone,” “We’re just plain evil”) and the Democratic Convention (“We hate life and ourselves,” “We can’t govern.”) It’s really not much far off now almost twenty years later.
– I like the pacing of Homer’s plan of escaping the tar pit (“I’m pretty sure I can struggle my way out. First I’ll just reach in and pull my legs out, now I’ll pull my arms out with my face.”) Stampy goes to save him, first pulling out Barney, who thanks the elephant by name somehow, then proceeds to light a cigarette and engulf himself in flames. Seeing how stringent this show is about continuity, I expect next episode to start with Barney’s funeral.

(originally aired March 17, 1994)
As I’ve noted before, Homer’s rampant animosity toward Ned Flanders is really out of jealousy; deep down, he wishes he could be as well-off, loving and together as the Flanders family. Because of this petty reasoning, it doesn’t seem too far off that Homer could come to really enjoy Ned’s company and forge a nice friendship if he wanted to… and that’s what happens in this episode. But when that happens, it’s almost like the fabric of the series starts to unravel. Homer befriending Flanders should not be, so it drives Ned, the calmest man in the universe, to hate, becoming increasingly more frustrated as the episode continues. Homer’s friendship is a lot more dangerous than his mild antagonism, it seems. The role-reversal between both characters feels very genuine, and the ending is one of the sweetest of the series, leaving us with a fun, wacky episode.

Homer’s after tickets for the biggest football game of the year, but his only option is to take up Ned’s offer to go with him. He’s hostile at first, but numerous kind gestures later, including getting the game ball, Homer is completely bowled over by his friendly neighbor-eeno. This is your classic about-face from Homer: he’s a man of impulse, and whatever feeling he has, he goes with it in full force. Now he’s Ned’s best friend in the whole world, and he wants everyone to know it: his family, co-worker, the barflies, strangers, everybody. At first, Ned is pleased by Homer’s change-of-heart. But then again, he’s pleased by his irrational hatred of him as well. It’s never quite clear if he even registers Homer’s assholery, I’m still not sure whether he’s just oblivious or very forgiving. But either way, Ned grows uncomfortable that Homer wedges his way into his life, bothering him while volunteering at the homeless shelter (then usurping the credit), and later, a Simpson-Flanders family picnic goes horribly, horribly wrong. Ned wakes in a cold sweat with a shocking revelation: he’s developed a strange new emotion: hatred… for Homer Simpson.

The third act is all about Ned’s downward spiral, trying to avoid Homer at all costs. However, there are some costs, like using little white lies in front of his kids, which they don’t care for (“Lies make baby Jesus cry.”) Following an amazing chase sequence out of Terminator 2 with Homer as a wall-eyed T-1000, Ned is pulled over for speeding and given a sobriety test, and then of course the gossipy church bus group passes by. This series is great at these emotional turns where they just pile stuff on the characters to speed up whatever they’re supposed to be feeling. Now Ned is ostracized from the entire church (save Homer, of course) as Lovejoy is about to give his opening sermon, “What Ned Did.” One final irritant from Homer sets Ned off (“Can’t you see this man isn’t a hero, he’s annoying! He’s very very annoying!!”) But Homer comes to Ned’s defense with a heartfelt, passionate, true-to-character speech, one of the best monologues of the series, which calms down the mob and wins back Ned’s friendship. And then of course one week later, things are back to normal. That’s the way things are with the status quo.

Tidbits and Quotes
– Homer’s quest for tickets to the game is littered with great bits: the TV warning about tickets not being taken internally (“See? Because of me, now they have a warning,”) Bart selling his father bogus tickets for fifty bucks (I love his slow turn to anger as he reads off the entire coupon, then snap back to the very disturbing dream of Homer imagining himself imitating his wife with a Marge wig), the scalper buying every single ticket with only a $10 deposit, and Homer’s lamentation about Ned winning the radio contest’s tickets courtesy of Eddie Money’s “Two Tickets to Paradise.”
– I love Lisa’s summarizing of the never-ending rivalry between Springfield and Shelbyville (“They built a mini-mall, so we built a bigger mini-mall. They made the world’s largest pizza, so we burnt down their city hall.”)
– For the change-of-heart to truly work, Homer is ramped up high here with his hatred of Flanders, first apparently going to smack him unconscious with a lead pipe, then later making him duck down whilst driving so he wouldn’t be seen with Homer by Lenny and Carl (“Look, Homer’s got one of those robot cars!”) The car proceeds to crash off-screen, and Carl adds on, “One of those American robot cars.”
– I love that Burns, who of course owns the Springfield Atoms, was vindictive enough to cripple Milhouse to properly motivate his team to win (“I hope they win, or Mr. Burns said he’s coming back.”)
– Classic bit with Homer’s nacho hat, with him singing an alternate version of “Macho Man.”
– Great bit with footballer Stan “The Boy” Taylor talking about how Ned saved him (“I used to party all night and sleep with lingerie models until Ned and his bible group showed me that I could have more.”) Homer muses, “Professional athletes, always wantin’ more.” I also like his cooing over the game ball (“Now I have four children. You will be called ‘Stitchface.'”) And of course, fantastic act break joke when Homer drives by Lenny and Carl again, this time proudly announcing his friendship with Ned (“What did he say?” “I dunno, something about being gay.”)
– The religious talking animal cartoon teaching about envy is hilarious. Todd is not as won over (“It’s all well and good for sheep, but what are we to do?”)
– Ned gives a great pre-meal prayer (“Bless the grocer for this wonderful meat, the middlemen who jacked up the price, and let’s not forget the humane but determined boys over at the slaughterhouse.”) I also love Homer’s dainty bites as he picks apart Ned’s turkey.
– Classic bit with the Rappin’ Ronnie Reagan tape (“You know something? He did say ‘well’ a lot!”)
– The family picnic has a lot of great bits too, but my favorite is probably Bart being a drug pusher on Rod and Todd with pixie sticks, which the boys go mad over. One part that irks me a bit is Marge and Lisa contributing to the food fight. I get the parallel they were making, but it didn’t seem to fit. I also love Ned’s excuse for leaving, “Todd’s got Zesty Italian in his eye.”
– Ned’s dream is wonderfully animated, and pretty damn chilling. I almost wish they didn’t dampen with the tone with the comical crazy postman.
– Homer appearing and disappearing through the hedge is another great bit of animation, as well as the chase, as I’ve mentioned.
– I love Wiggum playing up Ned’s altered state for the passing church bus as he arrests him (“High as a kite, everybody! Goofballs!”)
– The final straw that sets Ned off is genius: it’s so minor, but just a microcosm of Homer’s annoyance. During a silent prayer, Homer breathes through his nose, which makes an increasingly noisy whistling noise, but I think the volume of it raising is all in Ned’s head, chipping away at him until he finally cracks.
– Homer’s speech defending Ned is beautiful, so I will just reprint it in full (“How dare you talk about Ned Flanders like that. He’s a wonderful, kind, caring man… maybe even more so than me. There have been times when I lost patience with him, even lashed out at him, but this man has turned every cheek on his body. If everyone here were like Ned Flanders, there’d be no need for heaven: we’d already be there.”) I also love after Lovejoy admits they were wrong, Lenny shouts out, “Hey, that guy’s right!” Referring to the Reverend as “that guy” seems very Lenny. Don’t know how much sense that makes.

(originally aired February 24, 1994)
There’s no denying that this show has gotten much more absurd and unrealistic as the years have gone on. So that’s why it’s strange that one of the most ridiculous episodes, premise-wise, is right here in season 5. A lot of shit has gone down in later years, but here, Homer goes into space. Into fucking space. This is like Saturday morning cartoon fodder. But the genius of a show like this is that even with the most outlandish plot in the world, not only do they make it believable with a sharp lead-in to the premise, but keep it funny and even inject some real drive and emotion into it. There’s no way an episode like this should operate on any level besides goofy, but goddamn do they manage to make it feel more than that.

A real dilemma is being discussed down at NASA: the Nielsen ratings for their shuttle launches are way low. Right away, I’m on board this premise, the idea that the government will only spend its money on something the general public will be eating up with a spoon. They need to better connect with the everyman, who, according to their prime time TV research, appear to be unkempt, lazy slobs. Thankfully, unkempt, lazy slob Homer Simpson calls in, giving NASA their latest astronaut. Before all this, we set groundwork for the driving force of our story: Homer wanting respect after losing a “worker of the week” award to an inanimate carbon rod and being generally mocked by his family. This element is crucial, as it really gives Homer a reason to do what he does to actually get some respect, especially when it’s basically spelled out to him when NASA officials approach Barney about the position. The middle portion of the episode is Homer vs. Barney, who, without alcohol, reverts to his athletic genius state as we’ve seen in “Mr. Plow.” But non-alcoholic champagne does him in at the end, and Homer is made NASA’s first average-naut.

Homer is to be sent up with two seasoned astronauts, one guest star Buzz Aldrin, who delivers maybe the greatest line a guest star has ever said (“Second comes right after first!”) Again, this adds more credibility to the story: this is purely a publicity stunt by NASA, they’re not going to really have Homer do anything, he’s just along for the ride as the professionals do their jobs. Plus, their mission is just as exaggeratedly asinine, seeing if ants can sort tiny screws in space. There’s a really touching moment where Homer freaks out pre-launch and calls Marge from a pay phone with his second thoughts. Then comedy is flawlessly blended in when Homer relates not going into space like the time he missed out on seeing Mr. T at the mall. Not often a show can make you laugh and tear up a bit at something so stupid. The mission ends up botched, but they make it back to Earth unharmed (Grampa has a fabulous commenting line, “Of course he’ll make it, it’s TV!”) and all credit goes to the hero: an inanimate carbon rod, to which they throw a massive ticker tape parade for. A ridiculous end to a ridiculous show, but truly one of the all-time greats.

Tidbits and Quotes
– I love how proud Homer is that he’s basically going to win the worker-of-the-week award by default, citing union rule 26 (“Every employee must win ‘Worker of the Week’ at least once, regardless of gross incompetence, obesity, or rank odor.”) It almost sets up later Homer’s excitement for being chosen over Barney by default. Also wonderful is Homer’s anger toward the rod (“Inanimate, huh? I’ll show you inanimate!!”) and he strikes a furious pose, and holds it. For a while, as his long shadow casts across the ground. Hilarious.
– Great parodies of Home Improvement (“Oh no, I’ve killed Wilson! Looks like it’s back to jail for me”) and Married… with Children (toilet flush, right by the couch, followed by raucous laughter and applause). To find their next astronaut, a NASA assistant proposes “a lengthy, inefficient search. At the taxpayers’ expense, of course.” Thankfully Homer immediately calls in (“I’m just an ordinary, blue-collar slob, but I know what I likes on TV!”) A toilet flush over the phone seals the deal.
– I love how petty Homer gets in trying to discredit Barney to beat him: talking aside to one of the aides (“He’s got a big drinking problem; could embarrass the program. Meet me up in that tree later and I’ll tell you more”) and later showing up for his first day on time (“I don’t see Barney ‘Let’s crash the rocket into the White House and kill the President’ Gumble!”)
– The endurance tests are great, with Homer morphing into Popeye in the centrifuge (“I can’t stands no more!”) and drinking the liquid inside the blowing test (“Mmmm… medicine-y.”)
– The head scientist is pretty blunt in announcing who’s getting picked (“Gentlemen, you’ve both worked very hard. And in a way, you’re both winners. But in another more accurate way, Barney is the winner.”) They propose a toast (big mistake) and Barney immediately reverts back to a drunkard (“It begins!!”) He hijacks a jetpack, which runs out of gas, and he painfully skids on the roof of a pillow factory, then is run over by a truck of marshmallows.
– Really great space-themed Itchy & Scratchy (especially Itchy slicing Scratchy’s body in half with the rings of Saturn, and his torso burning in the atmosphere), which the kids find hilarious, but freaks Homer the fuck out.
– I like the shuttle payload checklist, including an IRS surveillance satellite and children’s letters to God.
– Of course, one of the series’s greatest scenes, Homer eating chips in zero gravity to the Blue Danube Waltz. I don’t even need to comment, the scene speaks for itself.
– We’ve got not one, but two great guest stars here, with James Taylor sending the crew soft melodies from Mission Control. Every bit with him is great: his irrational anger toward the distressed crew (“I’m not as laid back as people think. Now here’s the deal: I’m going to play, and you’re going to float there and like it,”) backpedaling the lyrics to “Fire and Rain” realizing they might not be appropriate, then coming up with the idea that saves the day, but when things go wrong, he books it the hell out of there, leaving his guitar behind.
– Another classic bit with Brockman, when he sees the shuttle footage with an ant hovering close near the camera, he quickly jumps to conclusions with his sharp journalism. Again, this speaks for itself (“The Corvair spacecraft has been taken over, conquered if you will, by a master race of giant space ants. It’s difficult to tell from this vantage point whether they will consume the captive earth men or merely enslave them. One thing is for certain, there is no stopping them; the ants will soon be here. And I, for one, welcome our new insect overlords. I’d like to remind them that as a trusted TV personality, I can be helpful in rounding up others to toil in their underground sugar caves.”) Then, later, he must cover over his faux pas (“Well, this reporter was… possibly a little hasty earlier and would like to… reaffirm his allegiance to this country and its human president. May not be perfect, but it’s still the best government we have. For now.”)
– As if “Second comes right after first” wasn’t enough, they got Buzz Aldrin to say, “Make hatch blow now!” What a good sport. Then again he was just in Transformers: Dark of the Moon. [shudder]
– Upon the dangerous re-entry, Buzz and Race hum “Battle Hymn of the Republic.” Homer sings the commercial jingle to Golden Grahams. The ship crash lands in the worst possible spot: a news reporter convention.
– Great final line from Homer, after receiving kudos from his family (“Maybe I do have the right… what’s that stuff?”)

(originally aired February 17, 1994)
I think with Lisa episodes, you really need a B-plot; most of her stories are emotional, moralistic endeavors, and 22-minutes of that would feel… I dunno, rather un-Simpsons-y. So to balance this episode’s satire of crass commercialism and sexism, we have a bunch of Grampa being a silly old person. Our set-up is Abe realizing he’s not long for this world, so he decides to gives away his prized possessions to the Simpson family, who then go off to the mall to spend the valuables. Abe tags along, and complains and rambles the whole way. It’s there that Lisa buys the new talking Malibu Stacy doll, whose catalog of phrases includes “Let’s bake some cookies for the boys!” and “Thinking too much gives you wrinkles!” I’ve not much knowledge over the history of Barbie, but I’m aware of the various watchdog groups that have attacked the doll’s persona for providing a negative role model to young girls. Afterwards, they gave Barbie more proactive job titles, and later divorced Ken, ’cause she don’t need no man to make it in the world. That was a news article on CNN, I believe. The point is that this is a spectacular exaggeration of the pop culture icon, and Lisa crusades to put a stop to this reductive depiction of women.

When a trip to the Malibu Stacy factory (or rather, the PetroChem Petrochemical Corporation) proves fruitless, Lisa pays a visit to the recluse creator of the doll Stacy Lovell (voiced by the great Kathleen Turner), a defeated drunkard who has holed herself up in a replica of the Stacy Dream House, only to have Lisa reignite the fire within her and agree to take action. They set to work on making a new doll, one which will be more empowering for little girls, with phrases like “When I grow up, I’m keeping my own name!” The conclusion to the story is extraordinary: to combat the release of Lisa’s doll, Malibu Stacy is given a re-release, but with a new hat. The swarm of girls (and Smithers) are instinctively bowled over, buying the updated doll en mass. It’s a pitch perfect take on so many things, from useless toy variants to the commercial illusion of something being new and improved. So we don’t feel too bad for Lisa, a silver lining is drawn as she witnesses one little girl, smiling with Lisa’s doll in her hands. Not so bad after all.

Back to the Grampa plot: he tries to make an effort to not be a useless old person and get a job. He ends up at Krusty Burger, I guess a reference to how back in the 90s, McDonald’s was making a point to hire up the elderly. It doesn’t feel like this plot had much energy in it, it’s mainly just an endless parade of old jokes at Abe’s expense, which are funny when utilized once in a while, but not for an entire subplot. They tried to tie it into Lisa’s story in the middle when the two are musing that no one will listen to them being too young and too old, which leads to Homer briskly walking in, delivering a classic line: “I’m a white male, age 18 to 49.  Everyone listens to me, no matter how dumb my suggestions are!” (he proceeds to take out from the cabinet a can of Nuts & Gum “Together at last!”) While some of the Grampa scenes are funny (“This sandwich just took a bite out of me!”), it didn’t really amount to much. I think it would have been better if after the Simpson family leaves Grampa rambling to himself in the car, he’s gone from the episode, like his usefulness has run out and that’s the joke. But hey, what do I know? I don’t make ’em, I just watch ’em.

Tidbits and Quotes
– I like how Grampa’s ramblings start as long winded stories, then toward the end, he just starts making disjointed annoyed remarks and quips (“I’m thirsty! Ew, what smells like mustard? There’re sure a lot of ugly people in your neighborhood. Oh! Look at that one. Ow, my glaucoma just got worse! The president is a Demmycrat!”)
– The ultra-violent Sergeant Thug’s Mountaintop Command Post play set apparently utilizes actually explosive technology. Bart launches a missile out the window and an explosion is seen in the distance.
– I love Lisa’s furious breathless rant about her new doll to an unreceptive Bart (“Millions of girls will grow up thinking that this is the right way to act, that they can never be more than vacuous ninnies whose only goal is to look pretty, land a rich husband, and spend all day on the phone with their equally vacuous friends talking about how damn terrific it is to look pretty and have a rich husband!!”) Also, great direction on the camera turn as she furiously throws the doll out the window.
– Classic bit with the one girl’s doll’s defective voicebox (“My Spidey senses are tingling! Anyone call for a web slinger?”)
– There’s some subtle character stuff here with Marge, who seems to be torn with supporting her daughter and her internal belief to not cause a fuss (“Lisa, ordinarily I’d say you should stand up for what you believe in. But you’ve been doing that an awful lot lately.”) She’s stopped in her tracks when one of her Stepford Wife-esque phrases is revealed to be one of Stacy’s (“Now let’s forget our troubles with a big bowl of strawberry ice cream!”)
– The Malibu Stacy tour is filled with great bits: the beyond disgruntled assembly line workers, the origins of the doll initially being made of dried onion meal, the reveal that Smithers owns the largest collection in the world (which of course raises further questions), and the blatant, acceptable sexist environment of the company (“Don’t act like you don’t like it!”) Also nice animation bit with the tour guide closing the door with her ass.
– Speaking of questions, we get more disturbing stuff from Smithers’s with the classic Burns screensaver (“Hello. Smithers. You’re. Quite. Good. At. Turning. Me. On.”) How much time must that have taken to splice together?
– I love Stacy Lovell, who appears to have mirrored the life of her doll, with her dream house mansion and ex-husbands such as Ken and G.I. Joe, who shows up later (“I must have you back. Just come for a ride with me in my Mobile Command Unit.”) Also her revelation of being forced out of the company in the 70s (“They said my way of thinking just wasn’t cost effective. Well, that, and… I was funneling profits to the Viet Cong.”) And the great scene where she claims she’s too drunk to do anything, and continues sipping her drink.
– There’s some great self-deprecating lines in here as well, from Lisa (“I’d be mortified if someone ever made a lousy product with the Simpson name on it”) and Ms. Lovell admitting the Simpson family has hideous hair… from a design point of view.
– The greatest bit in the episode is Krusty’s in-and-out recording session. Each part of it is brilliant: his golf outfit, his cavalier, all-business attitude, his lifeless read, and inability to remember his sidekick’s name (“Hey, here comes Slideshow Mel! Again, here comes Sideshow Mel!”) And the kicker where Krusty hauls ass out of there before the technician has even put in the reel.
– I like how Kent Brockman’s daughter basically has the exact same hair as him, as well as the fact that she apparently convinced him to report on the Berlin Wall.

(originally aired February 10, 1994)
Oh, Apu Nahasapeemapetelion. Your origins so humble, and your destiny so great. Some could cry he was a stereotype, but it was more of the show pulling from real life (if you haven’t noticed, many convenience store clerks are Indian). As the seasons progressed, we’d catch more glimpses of him in his price gouging, yet kind-spirited nature. But this is the episode that really cemented him as a respectable secondary character. His tenure living with the Simpsons made him a family friend and ally, and we learned more about Apu, his expertise, his faith and his dreams, all of which involve his beloved Kwik-E-Mart in some fashion. Between this, a hoard of solid jokes and a show-stopping musical number, this is one of the great ones.

In his efforts to conserve stock, Apu places expired food in the bargain bin, but no one’s thick enough to fall for such an obvious deception… except Homer… twice. Attempting to get even, Homer teams up with Kent Brockman to do an expose piece on the Kwik-E-Mart, which he bungles, but not before getting some damning evidence. We don’t dislike Apu for his actions because here he exists as a mouthpiece for the stingiest, cost-cutting methods of his company (a point he makes later when he comes under fire by Kwik-E-Mart heads, attesting he was only following company procedure. A representative responds by noting, it’s also company procedure to blame any problems on a scapegoat or sacrificial lamb. Apu, not fully getting the situation, replies, “And if I can obtain for you these animals?”) Relieved of his post, Apu realizes his wrong-doings and vows to make it up to Homer and his family. He becomes a helpful house guest: cooking ethnic meals, assisting Marge with efficient shopping tips, and overall improving the family’s way of life. It appears Apu has turned the corner to a new life, indicated by his song “Who Needs the Kwik-E-Mart?” But, like many characters on this show, he secretly yearns for the status quo, and would like nothing more than to return there.

Filling Apu’s position is guest star James Woods, who takes the job as research for a movie role (maybe). He’s one of the best celebrity voices ever on the show, with his wavering method of speech, and the times he gets really fierce (harassing Jimbo in going through a line reading, arguing with his agent on the phone.) He gives a really mellow, yet spirited performance, and he’s hilarious. Meanwhile, Homer accompanies Apu to India to trek to the world’s first convenience store to beg for his job back. Homer, of course, screws things up, and we’re back in America in about a minute and a half. While it may seem like a stupid sidebar, it’s a classic Simpsons moment nonetheless, with the elderly and wise Kwik-E-Mart CEO slurping on a Squishee as zen-like as he possibly can. After taking a bullet for Mr. Woods, Apu manages to restore his employment in the end, and all is well in the world. It’s an episode that seamlessly blends the low-key main story with ridiculous side bits involving celebrities and spur-of-the-moment trips across the world. It also, in one episode, gave new life to a side character, making him someone we truly care about and want to see more of.

Tidbits and Quotes
– The first scene sets the stage perfectly, illustrating the Kwik-E-Mart’s inflated prices. A 29-cent stamp? $1.85. Two bucks of gas? $4.20. Penny candy? Surprisingly expensive. A disgruntled customer attempts to wreck some merchandise on his way out, allowing Apu to deliver a classic line: “Silly customer! You cannot hurt a Twinkie!”
– Homer is as thick as ever here: even while experiencing terrible indigestion, he continues to eat the rancid ham. Afterwards, he confronts Apu, who counters his anger with five pounds of frozen shrimp. Homer astutely notices the shrimp isn’t frozen and it smells funny. Apu ups it to ten pounds. Homer is sold. Cut to an ambulance. Brilliant.
– The barking dog on “Bite Back with Kent Brockman” may be one of my favorite gags in the entire series. I forgot all about it when it popped up, I love it. It’s one of those gags that goes on for so long, and just gets funnier and funnier. I only wish the barking had been even more ridiculously long. It’s made even better by the final bit with the dog barking a message from the Church of Latter-Day Saints.
– The camera hat is a wonderful Simpsons accessory, so inconspicuous. The POV shot from the camera wobbling and slowly entering the Kwik-E-Mart as Apu stares blankly is a great bit of direction. Homer tries to be casual (“Don’t be alarmed, Apu. Just go about your daily routine like I’m not wearing the hat,”) but when Apu notices the buzzing sound and posits that Homer may have a “bee in his bonnet,” Homer freaks out, smashes the hat and runs away. However, it manages to catch incriminating footage of Apu selling the most filth-ridden hot dog in the universe, and ridiculously enough narrating it to the camera (“Now this is just between me and you… smashed hat.”) Homer, of course, buys the hot dog.
– Great bit of the babbling brook Apu believes to be like mocking laughter turning out to be two bums under the bridge having a good time (“Who needs money when we got feathers?”)
– I love the stupid fake-out between act one and act two of Apu appearing to want to viciously strangle Homer, but revealing it to be the signal of apology in his customs. He later comments on how misleading it might appear (“You know, now that I think about it, it may be a little confusing. Many have died needlessly.”) When Apu offers to help Homer for karmic realignment, Homer surprisingly replies that karma can only be dosed out by the cosmos and slams the door. Apu muses, “He’s got me there.”
– In exchange for a Chipwich, Homer agrees to let Apu stay, which leads to a number of great scenes: Apu utilizing store display techniques to push products at home (“Hey, corn! Haven’t had that in a while!”) and the trip to MonstroMart, a wonderful parody of big box warehouse stores (“That’s a great price for twelve pounds of nutmeg!”) Apu wisely advises Marge against the express line, of which a rambling Grampa is at the head of, in exchange for the longest (“All pathetic single men. Only cash, no chitchat.”)
– The musical number is fantastic, with Apu twice knocking over Grampa, and the awkward end where the family just stands there and sits down on the couch (“Everything really wrapped up nicely. Hmm. Much quicker than usual.”) I also love Homer’s anger toward Apu’s mood change (“He lied to us through song! I hate when people do that!”)
– Woods has a great monologue on the phone with his agent, a bit of it sounds ad-libbed but it’s really funny (“How can it be the same movie if they’ve changed my character from a convenience store clerk to a jittery eskimo firefighter? …Uh huh… uh huh… mm hmm… well, actually, that’s a pretty good explanation.”)
– Really sweet moment when Apu finally returns to the Kwik-E-Mart, pumped up to face his demons, but he quickly melts upon seeing the familiar sights of his beloved store (“Ah, my old Squishee machine. And my scum bucket with fly. And a hot check list.”)
– Classic bit of tape with Apu’s 96-hour shift, so delusional toward the end he believed to be a hummingbird. And classic ending where the bullet that hit Apu actually ricocheted off another bullet lodged in his chest from a previous robbery, saving him from death.